thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

There's no reward for being a good girl, no medal or recognition. Nothing waits for you on the other end for your excessive politeness, proclaimed purity, and enmeshed empathy - whatever that means. There's no celebration for sacrificing yourself for acceptance. No one claps for you for not being difficult, firm, and loud. Unfortunately, no judgement or karma awaits those who continuously take from you, at least not in this life. So be daring, quiet if it fits, be audacious just be all that you desire. Do so because it pleases you, be who you want to be so there are no scapegoats at the end. Let the judgment that meets you in heaven be justified, you aren't doing anyone any favours by being passive in this life. There's no reward for being a good woman so why not just be the kind of woman you like?

-thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

My lover is complex, poetic, and majestic. Definitely my type. My lover feels like the sun, everything about this encounter is intentional. Did you pray for me? You must have, I hope you did. I have a thing for people who are decisive about me and show it.

-teaching myself to receive love, fully.

[thoughtsfromlove]

These beautiful words aren't mine.

Perhaps I've never disclosed the truth to anyone, opting for silence out of fear that discussing it might do more harm than healing. I've spent my entire life shutting the door, and keeping it in. I've lost track of how many times I've heard the doorbell ring and the faint muffled sounds beyond. I never budged, not an inch, nor did I ever dared to peek through the peephole. What if all along it’s been her, struggling in her confinement, unable to move or escape the cocoon of guilt, for a temporary forever she was trapped. It's a vision akin to a fish caught in a spinner, to no end going in circles. What if she's been standing on the other side of the door all this time, frightened and scared, patiently waiting for someone; perhaps even me, to welcome her in or set her free? Welcome her in, prepare a steaming cup of hot chocolate, ask if she is okay, offer a comforting embrace, and assure her that it's okay to fall apart.

Perhaps, in that moment, it could have been the perfect chance for her to break down, tear down her walls, and cry for a childhood lost, for what might have been, and for the unbearable pain she endured and inflicted, while convinced she deserved to be punished. Regrettably, no one came to the door, no one took notice. They were all likely absorbed in their own sorrow, entangled in their personal pain, no one to spare her a second glance or detect the tear-streaked cheeks. Maybe they did notice but assumed she was grappling with the same anguish everyone else felt, the loss of a loved one. Internally, she was screaming and thrashing. When the agony became overwhelming, she made the decision to endure the pain and bury the guilt. Her tears, like rain, unintentionally nurtured a seed she planted, instead of laying to rest. With each passing year, it grew, bloomed, and flourished into a colossal flower of self-destruction that some labeled a beautiful mess.

One fateful evening, I baked cookies, prepared two mugs of hot chocolate, and made the choice to welcome her in. As I settled her down, I inquired, "What happened to you?" hesitant, she countered with a "When?" I could sense her mind racing, as a multitude of events had unfolded, and everything that could have gone awry indeed did. Despite it all, she managed to muster the broadest smile possible and replied, "Not much. You see, I'm still here, still standing, so I'm okay." Yet, behind that smile, all she truly wished to express was, "Come, take a seat, and let me share with you." How at 10 the so-called relatives stopped coming to visit, after my dad was poisoned and died. Or how, at the age of 14, I started the fire that killed my grandfather and was so overcome with guilt that I was unable to grieve properly. How it slowly consumed me without anyone taking notice. No, don't worry, I'm not an arsonist; it was an accident. I simply forgot to tend to the pots in time.

Or perhaps the prayer that Thursday afternoon took longer than I had anticipated, so I suppose God was too preoccupied with our pleas and praise that he forgot to remember to save the elderly man who was unable to escape a burning house. In the haze of trying to survive, to live and forget I fell pregnant at 16. In my first year of varsity got sexually assaulted by a familiar stranger. Or should I tell you about how I wanted to die at 23 and jumped out of a moving car to save the very life I thought I was tired of, only to realize how bad I wanted to live. However, expressing any of that is beyond me, who am I to lament my pain and sorrow when there are others facing more challenging situations? So, she wears a smile and remains silent. While holding a cup of hot chocolate that's still emitting steam, a realization dawns on her, although It took a moment. It turns out, the cocoon, isn’t as inescapable as it appears.

It provides the perfect setting for her to sit with herself, engage in a heart to heart, and release her pent-up emotions. The fear of being trapped propels her beyond her limitations, and from within, strength emerges. Surprisingly, the once tiny and frightened caterpillar sprouts wings. Like a seed breaking free from its shell. With my newly found wings look at me flying. I am taking it in, I can finally breathe.

-written by a childhood friend.

[thoughtsfromlove]

My therapist says I need to learn to sit with the feelings I spend so much of my energy trying to run away from. She says I need to lean in and meet myself there. I tell her I am terrified they might swallow me whole, what if I sit with the critic long enough that she becomes my own voice? I tell her my mind is very creative, it's a beautiful thing but I fear it. I think she is trying to teach me self-acceptance and compassion. I had a therapist once who said to me, you can't punish yourself into being better - you need to be more compassionate. Here I am a few years later still learning the same thing. There's no arriving with healing, it's not a goal to be achieved, not something you aim for with a timeline and clear objectives. It's constant and continuous, all you are doing is teaching yourself to be okay with who you are, that's it. The work is all about accepting that you have wounds because of what you have seen and who you have been, let the sun kiss them so they heal - they might leave scars and that is okay, wear them without judgement otherwise they will own you.

-on healing

[thoughtsfromlove]

There are plenty of things I am still learning - my biggest struggle is still with letting go and allowing moments to pass through without attaching to them. I am still learning to let God be the artist that he is, which is a bold thing to say. I mean who do I think I am speaking as though I am doing God a favour by inviting him into my life. But I am human, the truth is my inability to relinquish control inhibits my progress one way or the other. It has taken time to even admit this part out loud. However, I have had moments with self, looked at everything, and identified a pattern if you can call it that. There's a strong need to be in control of the outcomes of every aspect of my life even when it involves things beyond my control. I think that stems from fear - they say we do things for two reasons either we are driven by fear or love. I think fear has won too many times in my life which is beyond comprehension because I am love in every sense. It is so easy to miss it when we are driven by fear I think this is why being present is so important. When we are present in our experiences we get to see what life is reflecting to us. My prayer is that I get better at moving from a place of love so I don't miss my journey.

[thoughtsfromlove]

My life exhausts me at times. I wish I was someone else, the kind of person who knows who and what they need to be, the kind of person you see in movies. Their path is always distinct, their personality unambiguous, and their storyline layered perfectly. I feel l have been going in circles, repeating the same patterns, relearning the same lessons, and saying the same prayer - especially as far as my behaviour is concerned. My life exhausts me. I don't know who and what I am supposed to be.

[thoughtsfromlove]

2023 was a gorgeous one, truly one for the books. A care free girl that came with beautiful memories, bittersweet moments, big wins, necessary Ls, new connections, and of course gorgeous lovers who know how to love right. And thank God, thank God for all of it.

[thoughtsfromlove]

I will tell you one thing about me, I love to love and to be loved. My love is loud and audacious. I want the whole world to know when I love you, I want to speak of this love that I am experiencing. I love to love and be loved - and I am not just talking about romantic love, that is just a small fraction, a small part of this world of loving. I love loving mates, documenting moments, boasting about them, laughing with them, and most importantly sharing my heart with them. I love loving moments, experiences, and things. Like how excited I get when I see sunflowers, how my spirit lights up when I share a genuine laugh with someone, or when I try something new for the first time. I love to love like when I teach myself patience as I stop myself from being irritated with my brother, or when we chuckle together, or when I intentionally try to be kinder to my sister when all I want is to scream at her. I love to love and be loved. When somebody extends themselves for me I enjoy it so much, I bask in the adoration of those I hold closely to my heart. This is who I am and will always be. A lover of love in every way possible.

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

Me, I just want to love myself, love my life, and love my people. I want to receive that very same love from life and those around me. Put plainly I just want to live a full life, to leave no stone left unturned, and to never say I allowed fear to stand in my way.

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

I have been thinking about who God says I am, not me the mere mortal, but the creator of everything, the one who is infinite. God says I am made in His image, that I am divine, purposeful, one of a kind. If the one who made me sees me as majestic then I ought to believe it. Full stop!

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

I don’t know when exactly I learned to hide, to shrink, to swallow my words, and disappear. All I know is there was a moment, there was a decision made that in order for me to survive I somehow had to die. At least the part of me that was willing and wanting to take up space. I don’t know where exactly, but I am certain the death was there, it happened because I feel like I have been grieving my whole life. A grief I have no words for. This heaviness has to be accounted for, this unwillingness to live, to live fully, this debilitating anxiety that consumes me has to have a root. I just can’t seem to get to it. All I see are the fruits of my fears, they show up in my relationship with myself. At times they even sneak up in my relationships with others. Sometimes they show up in my inability to be satisfied, satisfied with anything. Sometimes they are disguised as my ambitions, my constant yearning for more, for better, because tell me how does one sacrifice sleep and joy for achievements they will not acknowledge or celebrate? Why are we so comfortable exchanging notes on our sorrows, but can barely accept a compliment? Why are we so comfortable not celebrating our birthdays? I mean you only get one day out of 365 days, to clap for yourself never mind the people around you celebrating you, but you? You, yourself, the one that knows the demons that keep you up at night, the one constantly encountering defeat, betrayal, depression, emptiness, disappointment, rejection, abandonment - you will extend that very same harshness to yourself? You will downplay and abandon yourself? I don’t know when we mistook humility with self neglect.

I don’t know when exactly, I learned to hide, to shrink, to swallow my words, and disappear. but there was something, there was a shift. I don’t know if it was conscious, but my reality continues to be a manifestation of a life of survival and I think I would like to start living now.

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

Thank God for my friends. My best friend said to me the other day, “thank you for the work you do on yourself, thank you for choosing to heal yourself, it is because you are working on yourself that you are able to hear me, understand me, by healing yourself you also help me to heal myself”. I am reminded yet again that everything begins with self. We have to learn to love ourselves better so that we can gift others a love experience that doesn’t revive their wounds, but maybe helps them heal.

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

I think my purpose is simple. I am here to live fully and deeply, to heal myself and in the process grant those around me the gift of healing themselves as well. Everything I pour into me is extended to those around me, my purpose is me - I am here for the pursuit of self, to follow the natural flow of my aliveness. As I draw closer to me, I draw closer to God which means I draw closer to you too.

People that move from a place of lack seldom give freely, even their love comes at a price - what’s in it for them they always ask? You wonder why you always feel empty. What will become of you when you constantly choose lovers that do not recognise their divinity, those that are always yearning for something? You are infinite, abundant, everything you need is inside of you. You are a spirit having a human experience, your biggest accomplishment is yourself. Learn to not attach yourself to anyone or anything, every experience is fleeting and seasonal. To live is to be constantly becoming.

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

What is life but lessons, faith, hangovers, and the occasional lovers who know how to love right.

- thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

"At times I believe it is necessary that we be a bit delusional about our existence here. It's important that we believe we are it, even if we have no proof or confirmation, our belief is enough. You are the shit."

thoughtsfromlove

[thoughtsfromlove]

"I promise I will stop apologising for being soft and guarded at the same time. My softness is the reason for these walls."

two things can be true at the same time.

[thoughtsfromlove]

Sometimes I read the things I write and I ask myself, why did I not believe in myself just a little bit more? 

- the woman in doubt won