todayinthoughts

[todayinthoughts]

I recently watched The Half of It, and there’s this scene that I keep thinking about. It’s the scene where, after their friendship has been grown and is now established, Paul goes to kiss Ellie. It’s an important scene because it’s when Paul realizes that Ellie is gay and likes Aster too, and I found it to be a really jarring scene but not because of Paul’s homophobic reaction or any of the other aftermath. Rather, my reaction was simply because I saw Ellie have a realization in that scene that is all too familiar, and that I don’t think I’ve seen portrayed before in such an accurate way.

The story is told from Ellie’s perspective, and there are a few reasons related to this fact that I think make this scene so jarring. First of all, Ellie is established as a social outcast off the bat, so the possibility that anyone in her small town would be attracted to or romantically interested in her isn’t really something she seems to have considered. Secondly, Ellie is gay, so the thought of a romantic relationship with Paul never crossed her mind. Lastly, the thing that instigated her friendship with Paul was his infatuation with a girl, Aster, which hasn’t seemed to waver. Because of these things, the audience (or at least I) never thought of the possibility that their close friendship could be perceived as anything other than a friendship, because that’s how Ellie sees it.

And then Paul tries to kiss her.

In that moment, there is this realization, I think, for Ellie that I’m not sure I can entirely articulate, but here’s my attempt:

It’s the realization that someone you have no romantic interest in can be attracted to you. By this, I mean that a person, who belongs to a category of people you’re not interested in (for Ellie, that’s men), can be interested in you romantically. 

But that’s not quiet it.

It’s also the realization that a person who belongs to a category of people that you’re not interested in can believe that you are interested in them and act on that belief.

It’s the realization that your friendship or even your casual pleasantries can be interpreted as romantic interest by people you, categorically, are not interested in.

It’s also the realization that the people who do this are not necessarily creeps who ignore obvious disinterest. Sometimes, often even, they are normal, kind people who made some wrong deductions because they were missing a key piece of information.

It’s the realization that your romantic disinterest in (x group) is not immediately apparent to others, or even apparent to those who seem to know you well.

It’s the realization that, if you don’t want this to happen again, you have to actively combat the possibility of someone perceiving your behaviour as romantic interest in all your future interactions with people of (x group). Or, at the very least, it’s something you have to be aware of in all your future interactions with people of (x group).

It’s the realization that no relationship with a person from (x group) is safe from assumptions rooted in heteronormativity.

#the half of it #does anyone know what i'm talking about #and can articulate it better?

[todayinthoughts]

Unallocated Feelings

Sometimes, I can feel the tension of emotion building up with no real reason. It doesn’t happen in specific circumstances or in response to life happenings, rather, it more seems to be preemptive.

It’s as if there’s a specific allotment of emotion, which I regularly receive in advance, to use as needed. And when I’m first given my new allowance, there’s an excess that doesn’t have any place to go yet. So I’m just left with the restlessness of unallocated feelings.

#05/16/19 #unallocated feelings

[todayinthoughts]

Unsent Letters: #2

K,

Throughout the semester, I’ve had the opportunity to see and appreciate your untainted curiosity and love of learning, as well as the compassion that you have for students. I’ve enjoyed the inclusive way that you teach, not valuing prestige over learning, and not limiting curiosity to the confines of the course material.

#acoul #unsent letters #05/01/19

[todayinthoughts]

Unsent Letters: #1

Dear K,

I appreciate the small yet intentional ways in which you try to be kind and uplifting to others.

#acoul #unsent letters #04/25/19

[todayinthoughts]

A Collection of Unsent Letters

I sometimes like to write short letters or notes to people with no intention of ever sending them. They’re usually just an expressions of something that appreciate about that person, that for whatever reason I feel uncomfortable telling that person. So now I just have a small accumulation of unsent letters in the notes section of my phone.

And I decided to put them here, minus the names of the people they’re intended for (because I couldn’t sleep last night and it seemed like a good idea at the time, which obviously means I’ve now mentally committed to it).

#a collection of unsent letters #04/24/19 #unsent letters #a series

[todayinthoughts]

Day 28: Personal Slang

There are certain words and phrases which I’ll come across which I’ll start incorporating into my general thought process. They usually originate from memes, or pop culture, or sometimes niche YouTube videos. Occasionally these phrases are even just random snippets of conversations that I’ve had or overheard. All of these things will have some original meaning, but somehow, they’ll morph into something very specific and different to me.

I think that this is because these words or phrases have a specific emotion attached to them which is being expressed. At some point while I’m processing them, those emotions that are being communicated become the focus instead of the phrasing that is used or the context in which they are used.

So, if I where to ever use these phrases with others, they would make no sense, and they just become my personal, internal slang.

#03/17/19 #d28 #personal slang

[todayinthoughts]

Day 27: Suspicious Exam Results

Sometimes, I walk into a test feeling at least moderately confident about my knowledge and understand of the material, and I end up walking out wide-eyed with the realization that I have no clue what is going on. I spend the next week or two dreading getting my mark, but then when I get it back, it’s suspiciously good, and I wonder what wizardry went on with the marking that I somehow ended up with a good mark.

Other times, I’ll walk into a test not feeling adequately prepared, and then walk out wondering if it really was as easy as I thought it was, or if I just don’t know enough to know how utterly wrong I was about all the answers I gave. Then, if I get my results back and they’re positive (meaning the test was as easy as I thought it was), I get that same suspicious feeling.

In both of these scenarios, my perception has, at some point in the process  (between entering an exam and receiving the results of said exam) been skewed so that it is out-of-line with reality.

One possible explanation for this disparity is related to expectations. It’s possible that I was expecting the marking to be harsher than it was. Or maybe I thought a question required a more in depth, complex answer than what I provided because the answer that I gave was just too obvious, but in reality, the question that was asked was as simple as the answer I gave.

The other explanation is impostor syndrome: maybe I underestimate the difficulty of a thing or my abilities, so think that I just happened to be lucky and stumble upon the right things accidentally. I sometimes assume that something is easy to understand in general because it is obvious to me, which is not always the case. Because I am surrounded by intelligent, hard-working people, I forget that we have all made it through similar classes and have gone through a similar process to get to this point. In essence, I forget that maybe I should consider myself part of the group of intelligent, hard-working people who surround me instead of someone who has somehow conned their way into the place that they now occupy.

The problem, however, is that I’m not sure how to tell the difference between the two. Or, the problem might be something else entirely; who knows?

#03/15/19 #d27 #suspicious exam results

[todayinthoughts]

Day 26: Priorities

I have a terrible habit of mixing up my priorities, and I don’t know how to shuffle them so that they’re in the right order.

#03/14/19 #d26 #priorities

[todayinthoughts]

Day 25: Identity Words

There are certain identity words that I use that happen to have communities centered around them. While an identity word may have it’s own meaning, the community surrounding it also has an identity that extends beyond that original word.

Sometimes, that group identity can interact and influence my personal identity. By that I mean that although I may originally identify with a word, once I’m exposed to the community who share that identifier, I have a tendency to want to take on other identifiers which are part of the whole-community identity, regardless of whether they actually apply to me. I think the reason behind this is related to fitting in, but maybe more deeply is related to a fear that this thing that I do hold closely as a characteristic of mine can only be true if I also have all the intertwined, extra characteristics that seem to be required to go with it. Essentially, I feel like I have to express all these other, seemingly co-dependent identities in order to prove that I should be allowed to claim one identity.

Sometimes it’s hard to disentangle these two things. I’m not always sure if a word or identity actually describes me or if I just think it does because it was attached to another word with which I definitely do identify.

#03/13/19 #d25 #identity words

[todayinthoughts]

Day 24: On Graduating

I should be graduating at the end of this semester, and people keep asking me how I’m feeling about that. I think they keep expecting me to say I’m excited to be getting out of there, and that it’s been an overall stressful, hell-ish experience. In reality, when I think about the fact that I’ll be graduating, I don’t really feel too much, or I just feel a bit sad and melancholy.

And it’s not that everything about my experience here has been rainbows and butterflies: I’ve had periods where I’ve been extremely stressed and my mental health has suffered, and I’ve had to spend the day just trying to keep it together. But I’ve also had the chance to learn a lot of really cool things, and meet inspirational, passionate, amazing people who are both my profs and peers. More than that, or maybe within and because of those things, school has become a home for me, and I don’t know when or if I’ll feel that again.

So whenever I think about graduating, more than anything, it feels like I’m grieving. Is that weird?

#03/12/19 #d24 #on graduating

[todayinthoughts]

Day 23: Coping Mechanisms

My brain is in a bit of a weird place today, so behold, I bring 2 things that I wrote that were attempts at coping today:

Coping, the First:

Sometimes I think that I can outsmart my pre-test jitters using information that I’ve learned in psychology and human physiology classes. My logic is as follows:

There is a theory that emotions are just interpretations of physiological symptoms/events (i.e. things happening to/in the body can be perceived as different emotions depending on context)

Both pre-test jitters and exercise induce en elevated heart rate.

Therefore, if I do some mild exercise just before a test (like going up the 2 flights of stairs quickly to get to the classroom), my brain will interpret my elevated heart rate as a side effect of the exercise.

My symptoms of my anxiety will be masked, causing it to dissipate.

What actually happens:

My brain registers that I am anxious because of the upcoming test, and this is partially manifested in the perception of an increased heart rate.

I exercise, subsequently increaseing my heart rate.

My brain perceives this extra increase in heart rate and perceives it as extra anxiety....

....ladies and gentlemen, this has been my dumb brain, again, outsmarting me.

Coping, the Second:

In certain situations when looking to future events, I have tendency to catastrophize unnecessarily. Often, to prevent this, I find my inner monologue shifting automatically into this over-dramatic, ridiculous voice narrating mundane things. I think this helps me because it entertains and distracts me, but it also grounds me before I get to far into my hypothetical calamity. It reminds me not to take myself too seriously.

I’m just now realizing that this strategies sounds weirdly similar to how you defend against a boggart (i.e. the manifestation of fear/panic) in the Harry Potter universe.

#03/11/19 #d23 #coping mechanisms

[todayinthoughts]

Day 22: “More Specific”

There’s this improv game where the actors start a scene, and at points during the scene, audience members can shout out “more specific”. This phrase prompts the actors to redo the part of the scene they just did, but in this redo, they have to add in more information. I’m sure that there’s a point to this exercise, but I sometimes wish that this was a normal thing that I could do in average conversations and in assignments.

I was given an assignment to write about a scientific paper in the form of a blog post - the point of this assignment being to practice effectively communicating scientific topics and research with the general public.

I had a bit of trouble completing this assignment, and I think it centers around the fact that there is not a pre-existing context into which this new post is going to be added; i.e. there is no blog that this post is going to be a part of. Because this blog doesn’t exist, I’m missing information about how to write a new post. To my prof: “More specific!”

Who is the author? Who is the audience? And what is the relationship between them? What is the communication style? 

Is this a personal blog that happens to include information about new scientific research because it is of interest to the author? Do I write informally, as if I’m talking to a friend about whatever topic is at hand? Do I bring in my opinions on the topic or personal anecdotes that may be relevant?

Or does it center around current events and science that is related to them? Do I write formally, as if I’m a journalist? Do I then included possible societal implications?

Or is it an educational blog, where its explicit purpose is to present new, exciting research? Do I write in an formal manner, as if this is a TED talk or a teacher-student relationship?

I know that the logical conclusion to this lack-of-context is just to decide on my own the details about my hypothetical blog. The problem that I have with this is that once I do this, the isolated post which I am writing will make sense to me because I am aware of the imagined context in which it exists, but anyone else who reads it doesn’t have that extra information, so it may be confusing.

#03/10/19 #d22 #more specific

[todayinthoughts]

Day 21: Healthy Isolation

I really enjoy being alone, but it’s days like today where I am reminded that it isn’t healthy for me to be alone for too long. I’m still learning where the line is between healthy isolation, which is rejuvenating, and unhealthy isolation, which can lead to a negative mental state.

#03/09/19 #d21 #healthy isolation

[todayinthoughts]

Day 20: Problem Solving

Accompanying the lectures at my uni, we often have a class run by the TA with fewer students in each class to allow us to ask questions and better understand the material. During these classes, problem-solving questions are often posed to us as a way to get us thinking about the things we’ve learned in lecture and to help us better understand the material.

When asked to solve these problems, I can’t, not because I don’t have the ability in general, but because of the context in which I am asked to do so. For one, I get very distracted by my surroundings. I want to take in as much information as possible before attempting to solve a problem, so if I am still able to glean information from my surroundings, like by listening in on other conversations, I will.

Another reason I have trouble problem solving in contexts like these, I think, is because I like to think with my body. That may sound a bit odd, but what I mean by that is that pacing, and making hand gestures, and performing different body movements, all while mumbling to myself about whatever topic, are all useful in advancing my thought process. However, being surrounded by other people who may be able to witness that process makes me uncomfortable, so my thought process is a lot slower, and I become a lot less effective at problem solving.

#03/08/19 #d20 #problem solving

[todayinthoughts]

Day 19: Feeling Seen

There’s this ability that some people have of making others feel seen, and it’s something I both love about others and envy. I’m not entirely sure how people do this; it’s some combination of fully listening and being captivated by what another person is saying, alongside asking the right combination of gentle, probing questions, with something else that I can’t quite pinpoint thrown in. It’s a trait that I want to have, but I’m not sure how to cultivate it.

#03/07/19 #d19 #feeling seen

[todayinthoughts]

Day 18: Equations in Biology

I once was trying to articulate how I think and study in order to find strategies to improve my test performance, and it came up that I sometimes think in terms of equations, but I couldn’t properly articulate why I sometimes do that.

The reason I like equations in the context of biological systems is not simply because I like equations in general, but rather, because they function as compact, organized storage units for complex trees of thought.

#03/06/19 #d18 #equations in biology

[todayinthoughts]

Day 17: Personality Paradoxes

I often find myself wanting to make sweeping, generalized statements about myself to others in order to explain my actions or to, in some way, help them have a clearer, more accurate picture of me as a person. But so often when I do this, I later find myself making the exact opposite statement about myself.

In one situation you might hear me say that I’m usually pretty organized, and later I might say that I’m always a scattered mess. Or I’ll say that I can make myself be interested in almost any subject, but then go on to talk about all the subjects that disinterest me. 

I’m not sure what to do in these situations where two opposite descriptions can apply to be, but the current situation only illustrates one side. Because I think what I’m really trying to communicate is ‘this is normal for me’. I want that person to know that, given another situation where you see similar behaviour from me, the reasoning is probably the same as the current situation. For some reason presenting an explanation as a constant character trait seems like the easiest, most effective way to communicate that.

Is there are better way to do this?

#03/05/19 #d17 #personality paradoxes