trauma-shit

[trauma-shit]

my dad is borderlime grooming me!!! what the fuck!!!!

[trauma-shit]

*tw:abuse*

snakeskin leash

you ruined me.

you took my babydoll skin

and turned me to leather.

my hands are raw and shaking

because as much as i may try,

no scathing shower can scrub me

clean of you.

i am beginning to smell you again.

i can hear your voice when i

hold my breath to quiet my sobs

and i can see your smile

when i close my eyes.

it's been a long time since

i remembered your touch but

now it's everywhere.

i want to be clean of you

i want a body you have never known and

a voice that hasn't ever said your name.

they don't know you,

like i know you.

they don't know the way i made you weak

and they don't know the way

you broke me.

i'm slamming myself against the wall

this time around but

i can almost feel your hands

oh my shoulders.

you poisoned my doe eyes

and i see you in the dark again.

my lip is trembling and

i feel fifteen once more,

breaking my fist on the shower wall

demanding my body to feel something again.

i hate myself for wanting

to know if you're alright

i hate myself for wondering

if you think of me from time to time.

it's so goddamn unfair

that you can wipe your world

clean of me yet

your stain coats mine.

you can run all you want

but i'm hogtied and

my ankles broke months ago.

the bitterness and resentment

had turned into

blindingly white hot rage,

i hope i fucking destroy you.

i hope you one day remember what you did

and the gravity of your depravity hits you.

i hope you lay up at wake

taunted by memories of my laugh,

the voice you once claimed to love

ripping you to shreds.

i loved you,

and i twirled from

the string wrapped around your pinky

like a pretty ballerina for

far too fucking long.

you're lucky i'm here

and you're there

because if we ever crossed paths again

i promise you

i am not a scared little girl anymore,

your puppy running with her tail

between her legs

scared to get kicked in the ribs again.

i would end you,

much like you ended me.

#i reread this every once in awhile and lose my mind everytime. #never heard my thoughts explained by someone else lol

[trauma-shit]

"it isn't consent if you're scared to say no"

#i convince myself that i wasnt raped bc i didnt say no but i would never think that abt someone else if they were in my situation #esp bc i went into it consensually like 'are u sure' 'yeah?' p immediately i was like nooooooo haha nevermind get me out of here #but i couldn't say no!!!!! he'd pull that ridiculous guilt tripping shit and be mad at me and i couldn't take it #I CRIED AFTER!!!!! i'm just. still so affected by the girl who said it was just sex i regret. hope she dies #i was scared to in the first place but i felt like i had to!!!!! i brought it up but its like 1. he'd never let me stop in the middle #of anything sexual. 2. it's something everyone is like 'boys love this u have to do it' esp w the guilf tripping i was already getting #like it would've been my fault if i said no anyway. god i'm just so upset about it still #he's dating someone now and i just worry about her #think i might message one of those hot lines because i feel like shit

[trauma-shit]

someone i love said very hurtful things about me today and ... idk how to deal... i'm not mad.. it just hurts you know? like you really think that about me? especially because its been so rough lately. i dont want to victimize myself but the past three years of my life have been one mental illness pit of darkness of hell bro. monstrous. and idk how someone i love can watch me go thru that and..get angry? judge me for it? because i'm an adult. who should be taking accountability. ok..... as if thats not what every god damn adult has said to me. but does anyone offer advice? help? no. i wasn't raised RIGHT. i don't have any idea what i'm doing. and people just think i should. how does that help? i'm trying my best every single day and its not enough for anyone. im trying to find compassion for myself and care about myself but its so hard and everyone has something to say about it. i know i'm doing what i can. i'm trying. i'll try more tomorrow, but for ME. i want to feel better and feel alive and i can work on that. i never thought this person would upset me like this... i'm beyond hurt. i don't know. it's temporary right? we'll both get over it. i don't need to let it dig into me so much. i accept how it feels how i feel but it wasn't meant to hurt. i have no idea how to process emotions

[trauma-shit]

i'm shaking and tearing up and need to frantically google things to calm down because i don't like feeling my feelings!!!!!!!! i need to intellectualize this shit asap

[trauma-shit]

saw him today. for the first time since.

#lord help me i'm going to kill myself🙏

[trauma-shit]

hello personal diary i have updates

[trauma-shit]

ok no ones on here so noone cares if i sound insane right

[trauma-shit]

read a hannibal fic . would really love to maim a certain guy rn .

#HIM #tbat tags so funny to me now #him from the powerpuff girls. heheh

[trauma-shit]

*tw:abuse*

snakeskin leash

you ruined me.

you took my babydoll skin

and turned me to leather.

my hands are raw and shaking

because as much as i may try,

no scathing shower can scrub me

clean of you.

i am beginning to smell you again.

i can hear your voice when i

hold my breath to quiet my sobs

and i can see your smile

when i close my eyes.

it's been a long time since

i remembered your touch but

now it's everywhere.

i want to be clean of you

i want a body you have never known and

a voice that hasn't ever said your name.

they don't know you,

like i know you.

they don't know the way i made you weak

and they don't know the way

you broke me.

i'm slamming myself against the wall

this time around but

i can almost feel your hands

oh my shoulders.

you poisoned my doe eyes

and i see you in the dark again.

my lip is trembling and

i feel fifteen once more,

breaking my fist on the shower wall

demanding my body to feel something again.

i hate myself for wanting

to know if you're alright

i hate myself for wondering

if you think of me from time to time.

it's so goddamn unfair

that you can wipe your world

clean of me yet

your stain coats mine.

you can run all you want

but i'm hogtied and

my ankles broke months ago.

the bitterness and resentment

had turned into

blindingly white hot rage,

i hope i fucking destroy you.

i hope you one day remember what you did

and the gravity of your depravity hits you.

i hope you lay up at wake

taunted by memories of my laugh,

the voice you once claimed to love

ripping you to shreds.

i loved you,

and i twirled from

the string wrapped around your pinky

like a pretty ballerina for

far too fucking long.

you're lucky i'm here

and you're there

because if we ever crossed paths again

i promise you

i am not a scared little girl anymore,

your puppy running with her tail

between her legs

scared to get kicked in the ribs again.

i would end you,

much like you ended me.

#bro ok logging back on to my ptsd account... this post did not get enuf attention #it still hits me incredibly hard. like im. wow. you really captured the feeling.

[trauma-shit]

i had a bad episode or whatever its called awhile ago but tonight it is bad enough that i am looking thru the trauma core tag. yeah

[trauma-shit]

anyone else feeling extra traumatized tonite

#i think my ptsd has like had it's lowest moments already but. noy

[trauma-shit]

accidentally rbing non trauma things here.... humiliating

#JUST IGNORE IT FKDHHSHD

[trauma-shit]

“but is it still abuse if the abuser doesn’t seem to realize he’s doing it?”

YES IT IS. Abuse is defined by the pain and trauma victims go thru, your suffering and fear don’t go down one bit because “abuser may not be aware of what they’re doing”, actually, it goes up! Being tortured by someone who doesn’t care enough to even freaking realize they’re damaging you is much more dehumanizing and emotionally taxing than at least knowing the abuser’s intention clearly and that they’re achieving exactly what they want to achieve. Being lost about abuser’s intentions adds on to the trauma!

It doesn’t matter if they meant to do it or not (in most cases they absolutely meant it or didn’t actually give a shit if they’re hurting you or not as long as they get what they want). Staying safe from this person is important. Stopping the abuse and preventing any future abuse is important. Healing is important. Label the abuser with whatever you need that helps you to heal. Forget abuser’s side of the story and focus on yours. What they agree or disagree, what they’re aware or aren’t aware isn’t nearly as important as stopping that person from harming you, and preventing them from hurting you ever again.

[trauma-shit]

isn't it fucked up how I have to suffer because of shit you did? You fucking knew what you were doing and how much it'd break me. You broke me. You don't feel any guilt, do you? You're the worst. You're not hurting and it isn't fair. I'm in agony because of you. I've lost all of who I was because of you. I can't trust anyone anymore because I'm terrified they're just like you. You ruined me, and you're fine. Isn't that fucked up? I have to live with this for the rest of my miserable life and you've moved on.

#god i felt this

[trauma-shit]

everything i liked about myself left with you

#ugh i be feeling this

[trauma-shit]

no I'm just chilling *beats my fucking abusers to death*

#word