truc0nfessionz

[truc0nfessionz]

i guess i have a hard time hearing you out right now or enjoying your contributions because i don’t feel emotionally safe here. i know no matter what i say, my feelings will never be held space for. at least not without “including yours at the same time”.

i don’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean.

i’m not angry with you, i’m just sad. i’m so sad and i feel so alone. i guess im a little angry that i feel like you’re not trying to understand me.

it’s not that you’re not trying i guess. you are trying. but you can only be you, you can only have your trauma. you can only care for and understand me to the extent you care for and understand yourself. and that’s not good news for me.

i want to have faith you will change. i want to believe you will get better. but do i sit here and wait? do i risk my life, and the damage to my soul?

idk what to do.

#4.19.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i don’t feel seen or understood here.

i feel like every time i ask you to validate my feelings - you don’t know how to without also putting me down.

you can’t see past your own emotions even for a second to honor mine.

you wear me down with this. i can only take so much.

i’ve been taken advantage of by a lot of people.

so many have leeched off my kindness, my generosity, my wisdom and guidance

and shown no appreciation. no genuine care for me or what i do.

but i didn’t expect it from you.

when we first started dating, you used to tell me more times a day than i could count how beautiful i was. how smart i was. how much you were in awe of me.

now i’m just another annoyance in your life. another obligation. another person to absorb your misguided energy.

i don’t deserve this. time and time again i know i don’t deserve this. i don’t deserve these emotional responses, nor the lack of empathy for what im going through. i don’t deserve your wildly misguided accusations and emotions. i don’t deserve the brunt of your BPD symptoms. i can want to help you completely and also hold space for myself that i don’t deserve this.

i can’t recount a million conversations of misunderstandings. i will actually die if i have to go around doing he said she said with you again.

it never gets us anywhere. it just gets me further isolated, further destroyed, further alone.

and i’ll never say that to you. because it never ends well.

but just know that every time i learn that i have to keep something to myself, it reminds me that maybe many things would be better off done alone.

being alone would be less painful than being gaslit about my emotions every time we disagree.

i hate myself for replicating the childhood pattern of being around people who have no space for my emotions. people who i have to work harder to control the situation and their emotional responses, because that’s the only way i can keep myself safe.

i will sooner lose the $7k we (or should i say I, since that’s more accurate!!!!) spend on my engagement ring. money comes and goes but this is my life. and if i die in this encounter there’s no reason to have money anyway.

i think you underestimate the lengths i’ve gone through to pull myself out of bad situations. i have burnt everything to the ground and started over countless times. and every time i emerge a phoenix from the ashes. every person who gets left behind is FOREVER in awe of my flame. and they will never, ever get it back. because for me to light myself on fire in order to escape you, you have killed the part of me that could ever be unbroken.

it’s your choice, really. but i cant stay anywhere where my feelings aren’t safe. i never will be able to. i will break this shit apart and set myself free before i let you hold me in misery.

you’ve got the wrong one.

#4.19.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i feel pissed and annoyed on so many levels right now….

how are you gonna say to me you’re at the park five minutes away and when i check your location you’re across town?

then you say don’t freak out, i’m getting a homeless man food and taking him to a motel

please ask yourself how you would feel if you got that text from me. please.

this is irresponsible on so many levels. this could be fucking dangerous, you could get hurt, you would LITERALLY FLIP OUT if i ever did something like this,

and never mind the fact that WE SAID WE WOULD CHECK IN AT A CERTAIN TIME AND YOU DIDNT. at that time you’re across town with a fucking homeless stranger in your car?!???? make it make fucking sense. make it make fucking sense. what the fuck is wrong with you.

that is so disrespectful. you do not fucking care how this would impact me and it’s so fucked up because all i do is think about how you will respond to things. all i do is say “can’t say that, can’t do that” to myself because i know it’ll upset you.

clearly that consideration isn’t the same the other way around.

you have honestly put my nerves on 10000000000000 and you don’t even care. what the fuck is wrong with you. this is so dangerous and i’m so angry at you for not considering my feelings at all.

honestly, i hope and pray you’re safe but im really irritated with you. maximum irritated with you. fuck our evening, fuck dinner, fuck all that cause you’re off doing LITERALLY GOD KNOWS WHAT.

this is honestly fucking ape shit. i can’t believe you right now. i can’t believe you don’t care or didn’t think at all how this would impact me, and the worst part is i know when you come home later you’re gonna feel super vindicated in your actions and try to gaslight me for being upset about this.

the thing is, when you choose things other than me, i choose me. but im doing that as a defense mechanism since clearly you won’t choose me or consider me.

i won’t even be able to express my feelings about it cause you’re gonna feel so fucking vindicated in what you’re doing that you aren’t going to give a literal fuck how it impacts me.

this feels really selfish but i hope you’re enjoying this. i hope it’s everything you wanted or were looking for. i hope you’re fucking safe since you’re putting your fucking life at risk doing this.

i can’t believe you’re doing this rn.

#4.3.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i’m having a hard time with your attention to detail, or rather lack of it.

i literally told you where to go to see *your* chiropractors of choice. you didn’t listen. didn’t call ahead like i advised. ended up going to a random location in a different town which is nowhere near the other errand you offered to run for me…

and now we’re gonna be leaving late to the beach because you can’t either a) remember the details of your own life or b) listen when i literally told them to you

and you’re gonna say “i was sooo busy doing my homework” but the truth is, that’s being done at the last minute too, every time. if you weren’t waiting till the last min, you could’ve had bandwidth to listen to me and not be constantly stressed until the very last second

i know that’s your style but it’s not mine. and it’s stressful, especially when your lack of preparedness impacts me.

i don’t want to be rude about it, but also it grinds my gears because it makes me feel like i have to be responsible for all the details or we’ll be shit out of luck. you never have to listen, pay attention, remember things because i’m going to… that’s honestly weird as fuck

i’m sure it’s just annoyance speaking but… please try to pay more attention

#3.29.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i’m worried about our fights.

i know you get triggered, but lately they’ve been so so bad

and i’m scared, because as we get older, decide to marry and have kids

stress is only going to get worse.

and it terrifies me how it’s going right now.

i’m scared because when these bad fights happen, i know my life is at risk. i try to talk calmly, apologize, hear you out, agree with what you’re saying - but i can’t get through to you.

i can rationalize that you’re super stressed and acting out of character - but what about how those actions impact me?

when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, punching walls, threatening to beat the shit out of the dog, yelling in my face while i cower in fear

what about what those actions do to me?

i feel hurt that i don’t think can be undone. i feel trauma forming. it does remind me of the most toxic relationship ive ever been in. and i know my life is at risk.

in those moments all i can do is try to protect myself. Nancy said it’s not my job to think through how to fix this or bring you back, so i try to make myself useful and not make things worse. i stay quiet, i clean things, i don’t bring up any topics that could cause tension and i barely speak at all.

i try to remember all the things i shouldn’t say; even tho sometimes the start of our fights can’t be predicted by me… for example, how does me saying i feel like i have no one lead to a conversation where you’re punching walls?

i’m crunching myself down so small trying to avoid conflict. i already have nobody left. so when you’re screaming at me, i know im truly alone. i know it.

so these fights worry me. because in the end you come back and say it’s you being out of character… but what if i would have died while you were busy figuring that out?

or what if the aggressive shouting took me to a place i couldn’t get back from? what then?

i don’t think you can see this is a replication of my childhood. hell, it’s probably somehow a replication of yours as well. but as a child, i remember that any feeling i had was an issue. it led to a fight, it led to me being sent to my room and being alone. it led to me having years of unmet needs by caretakers who were not emotionally evolved enough to be a safe space for my emotions. it led to me always, always feeling like i would be better off dead.

i know that in those moments, you can’t see that this could kill me. but i can. and im starting to feel like if i don’t protect myself on that front, no one will.

and what’s worse is, you so often double down after all the fighting by saying you’re going to leave. it feels like the nail in the coffin.

i fear that one of these times, the fight will go too far. i will run out of steam, run out of strength, run out of tears. i will run out of time. and if you can’t protect me from that possibility with your actions, i feel like i have to protect me with mine.

please try to remember that all i want - all i’ve ever wanted - is a happy, healthy relationship with you. but if our triggers lead to a place where i may not be alive at all, i feel like i have to keep myself safe.

i don’t know what that means but i’m sad it’s something i feel i have to say at all. the island i stand on gets smaller every day, and damn do i feel so fucking alone. but i am still going to try to do what’s best for me because i truly believe im here for a reason.

#3.22.24

[truc0nfessionz]

how many times will i die inside

begging for you to see my side?

how many nights will i hit the floor

crying as you run for the door?

how many breaths can i command

when you’re screaming at me and i can’t stand?

i worry the count is not enough

to help me live, i’m not that tough.

i love you dearly, and i try so hard

to make you see inside my heart -

see that i want to be on your side,

i may not be perfect but i have tried.

i’ve tried so hard, given so much

and you’re ready to end it at the slightest touch

so i watch my mouth, try not to breathe

to not give you a reason to be angry with me.

today, i shared my feelings with you

and look what it got us - a fresh new fued.

only i never want to continue the fighting,

i know the truth, i could end up dying.

i love you, but i have to love me too

have to remember i was a person with things to do

before we met, we fell, we flew,

and my whole world crumbled at the sight of you.

you hold so much power over my life,

i know you can’t see that through your own strife,

and i respect you truly, really, i do

but the fights between us they break me in two.

not figuratively, i’m actually being for real

i feel wounds appear that i know will not heal

and all i can do is try to survive

just try to remember, you could end my life.

#3.21.24

[truc0nfessionz]

in therapy yesterday i realized i don’t trust anyone except Ivy, and maybe sometimes my sister

i don’t trust my best friends, i don’t trust my parents. i don’t trust most people at all

i don’t trust them with my emotions and i don’t trust their ability to help me

on this front, i am on my own.

more than the distrust i’m also upset with them.

i’m upset that no one came through for me on my 30th birthday even though i come through for everyone, every holiday, every small celebration, every time.

and if you can’t be there for me on my best days, why would i let you in on my worst?

i’ve felt more isolated than ever before. i am so disappointed in the people i thought would be there for me, and i can’t forget that.

i can’t forget it because the hurt is too great. if i were to forget and forgive and let them back in, they could hurt me again and that time i really may not make it.

i love everyone so much, but i have to show love for me too. i have to be the person who tries to live. and if that means i have to live without close friends then i have to.

the sadness i carry about being alone is so great. it’s huge. it crowds every other emotion and makes my window of tolerance so small.

and when Ivy and i get into fights the sadness just magnifies. the loneliness multiplies. i feel desperately alone and hopeless.

i don’t know what happens from here but i’m doing my best every day. i’m taking it minute by minute if that’s what it takes. i’m going to therapy, trying to work on my shit, trying to have fun, trying to do self care. but i am doing it mostly alone.

no one knows what it’s like to be me. no one. my sister would be the closest i guess. she’s been in a high stress job at a young age (she quit long ago), and she’s felt the stressy depressy energy that sometimes comes with all those things.

but no one else really gets it. they don’t understand how much energy it takes to just live and do what needs to be done.

i know that these things happen because i’m me. no one else is me, so no one else will get it. i am filled with so much love and the want to give it, but i am continuously broken when that love is disrespected or unreturned.

i grieve the relationships i thought i had before. i grieve the peace i had in my soul. i wish things were different, and people could show up for me. i wish Ivy and i could understand each other better.

i wish every day i didn’t have to measure my life based on a “will to live scale”.

damn, this shit is so heavy today.

#3.21.24

[truc0nfessionz]

its been a really tough 2 months and a really tough 2 weeks.

at the highest level, Ivy and i have fought more than ever before.

i've felt more alone than i have in a long, long time if not ever.

my life has been in danger and i've self harmed more lately than i can ever remember doing before.

to say i'm having a hard time would be an understatement,

when i think about what's different now than before, they're things i don't want to admit, but they are my truth. i don't want to admit them because i don't want to place blame on Ivy for our relationship or cause an adverse reaction to my feelings, but i've got to be honest somewhere.

to start, i feel like things aren't the same as they were when our relationship first started. not that i would expect them to be, but what i mean is: in the beginning of our relationship, Ivy always wanted to make me breakfast. always got up early as possible to do it for me. hell, she wanted to make me every meal, and i always thanked her, and she would say something like "always", which gave me the impression this was a behavior she would always want to do. she used to go out of her way to help me clean and maintain the house, even before she lived here. she used to always want to walk the dogs so i didn't have to. most importantly, she cared so damn much about my feelings. she always wanted to be a reason i smiled, she always wanted to cheer me up, to do something for me, to make my day easier. i don't ever remember feeling unheard - although we've always had differing opinions on things. when i first met her, i told her my pet peeve was someone saying they would do something and not do it, and she swore to be mindful of that.

maybe it's my low mood these days. maybe it's because i'm now a year off of hormonal birth control. maybe it's her stress, and my stress, and everything else.

but these days, i feel like i'm on my own a lot.

she very rarely makes me breakfast these days. maybe once a week? maybe twice? she can't, because she has school early, and even when she doesn't have school, she's tired and hates mornings. even if she told me she would do it the night before...

she very frequently tells me she will do something and doesn't follow through. i've come to a point where when she says she'll do something, automatically, in my mind i have to say that it's okay if she doesn't... i say that out loud a lot too, because i'm trying to be reasonable with her. i understand plans change. but does she understand how deeply it makes me feel when someone says something and doesn't do it?

she can't help me around the house as often because she has school, and a workstudy and homework and she doesn't have time.

she often doesn't notice my feelings or that i'm upset because she's tired from said workstudy, homework, school, etc.

most hurtful of all, when i do work up the ability to talk about my feelings she often completely denies them completely and doesn't even notice that she does it. instead of being on my side and on my team, she often invalidates me or poses an opposing view point... but for what? to just deny my existence or experience? is that what's supposed to make me feel like we're on the same team?

there have been so many instances, too many to count, where she honestly just can't be reasoned with. if we are in a conversation with growing intensity and she hears one thing she doesn't like, she will latch onto that one thing and run with it to a point where she won't come back. she will talk to me crazy, accuse me of doing things i've never done, whole ass break up with me, and then most likely leave the premises because she can't deal with me. and when i ask her what i can do to fix it or how i can be back on her side she explodes at me and says i'm putting everything on her... these scenarios have been happening often, more often than i can quantify, and they put me in the literal worst headspace imaginable. they put my life at risk. and she will just leave. we'll engage in a disagreement and she'll see me in that headspace and she will try to hurt me as much as she physically can by leaving. i don't know what to do with that. that is the behavior that puts my life at risk and i've explained that to her several times. she says she has to leave because of her trauma, and i understand she needs to do what she needs to for herself. but i also have to start thinking about me. i could honestly and actually die in those moments.

for so long in this relationship, i've been worried about her. her feelings, her triggers, the ways that i can prevent her from getting escalated or bring her back when she gets there. what i should avoid saying, doing, sharing or feeling. lately, i feel like i'm making myself small, denying my truth and agreeing with hers for the sake of peace. but where is that getting me? alone, with invasive thoughts? isolated with my life at risk?

something that our therapist said to me recently that i think we both needed to hear is that it's not my job to bring Ivy back. Ivy has to bring Ivy back. i can support her in getting there, but it's too heavy a weight for me to carry. and if i'm honest, before that moment i think Ivy and I were both going to let me carry that.

i haven't seen my best friend in weeks at this point, also somewhat related to Ivy. 2 weeks ago when things got really bad, Ivy texted my best friend and told her painstaking details of my darkest moment in my entire life. i understand why she did that, i do. but i am still entitled to my own feelings about it. and i feel betrayed. i feel embarrassed. i feel so, so sad. that is my experience. that was my story to tell. and now it's not. now i have no chance of telling my story the way i wanted to. now i have to answer to someone about my actions and tbh, i really don't fucking want to. i don't feel like i should have to because i would've rather told the story my way from the beginning.

another reason i'm not willing to see my best friend is that i feel like if any of the stress of my relationship were going to spill out, she would ask if this is good for me. hell, even based on what she knows that i didn't get to tell her, that would be enough for her to ask if this relationship is good for me. to ask if this relationship is putting my life in danger. because to be honest i am not prepared to answer that.

i haven't even wanted to mentally consider that question at all until the last 2 weeks occurred.

in the last two weeks and two months, i have felt my life was in danger so many times. i have felt deep, inexplicable hurt in my soul so many times. i have felt betrayed and abandoned so many times. and each time i have begged, "how do i fix this? how do i get you back?"

and for the first time, even though i really really didn't want to, i'm starting to realize that my actions to save my relationship directly put my life in danger. i am being the person i never wanted to be - the one who would start myself on fire to keep you warm. and i hate that for me.

i hate that because there would be no 'me', if i continued in this fashion. it isn't smart, it isn't possible. there would have to be deep and drastic change. if there isn't, it could literally kill me. and i am trying so so hard for that not to be the outcome.

i love Ivy so much, more than i've ever loved anything or anyone in my life. but if my life is so often in danger in this relationship—is it actually worth it? should i risk my life daily, weekly or monthly in the midst of our chaotic fighting? is that fair to me? will the odds be in my favor?

it seems really, really risky. i suppose it's a risk i take every day.

and it's tough because when our relationship is good it's so so good... but these bad times recently have threatened to end it all, for real.

i don't know where we go from here. i don't think this is something i could bring Ivy because all she would see are her inadequacies. all she would see is me trying to tell her everything is her fault and it isn't. and those kind of negative conversations put me in such a bad headspace, i'd rather avoid or agree in an effort to honestly save my own life.

but i don't think that's the relationship we wanted to be in. and i think that the fact that she can't see how dangerous it is for me, or isn't in the headspace to accept and hear how her actions affect me, makes it so much harder and more isolating.

maybe this just needs time to blow over. time for our energy levels to return. time for me to feel better. but if time doesn't fix it i don't know what will.

i won't say i'm going to mourn the dreams of the life we built because i'm not there yet. hell, i still hope that's not where we end up... but to prevent further hurt to myself, i am putting those dreams on pause.

if i don't live to see them, they definitely won't come true, so i guess we've got to get through that part first.

#3.18.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i’m in a situation i can’t fix. i can’t reason with you. i’m admitting my fault and validating your feelings and you still won’t even try to see my side. you want to perpetuate persecuting me for this when at the end of the day… i didn’t cheat on you. i didn’t talk to my ex. i didn’t do anything like that. but i didn’t have the number blocked. and that’s something im gonna have to pay for for so long. so, so long.

i can’t change the past. you are so adamantly mad at me and i can’t fix it. i agree with you, i apologize, i take your side, and you threaten me, say untrue things about me. make it seem like you don’t care.

i’m not sure if you realize that this relationship has the potential to end my life. i don’t think you get that. and maybe it’s not yours to get. maybe that’s just a me thing and it’ll be worked out when it works out.

but damn, it’s been a while since i put myself in a position where im likely to die. and i stayed here. for 40 minutes i sat here in the car, waiting to die. waiting to fall into a sleep i never get out of. and you said, “you’re not the only one having a hard time here”

lately, i don’t feel like im taking it day by day km taking it minute by minute sometimes. every minute i have to fight to be alive. every single minute of the day somedays. every minute i have to try and fight. and i don’t think people get that at all.

i’m so tired of fighting. i really am. i want a good life and i may never have it, no matter how hard i try.

i’m not going to discuss any of this with you. i don’t want to be seen as a manipulator. that is a really hurtful thing to say to someone who feels like their life isn’t worth living sometimes.

if the person who’s supposed to care about me the most says that.. why am i even here? what am i still doing here?

to end our relationship over this would feel crazy. to end my life over this just feels like a casualty of the situation.

if there’s a someday, i hope i don’t feel like this then. and if there’s not a someday, im still proud of all the days i tried to give it all and make it there. i can only do so much.

i have genuinely tried to give nothing but love on this earth. even for my enemies. and you can’t see that for what it is. you can only see your own trauma, which is that someone hurt you with an ex before so that must be what i’m doing. you’re going to sleep on the couch for days because of something i haven’t done.

legitimately, i don’t know that i can do this anymore. i’m too tired. i didn’t do anything and your reaction feels really misplaced.

i may not survive this round.

#3.7.24

[truc0nfessionz]

if i don’t make it past today, please tell the story that i lived with love. that i tried so hard to give it, and to make this world a better place. please say that i tried for as long as i could, and please understand that it’s not a lack of love for anyone else that i could no longer be here.

i’ve known since i was really young that my time on this earth was limited. i’ve never known a life without pain, and i withstood pain as long as i could. i’m only human.

when i go, i hope my memory touches someone. even though i failed, i hope someone succeeds. i hope someone learns the things i couldn’t, and overcomes the things that took me under. i hope someone finds the joy i always sought, i hope someone can be the change i never could.

but mostly, i want the pain to stop. for real. i’ve had depression every day of my life that i can remember, and sometimes it’s just too much to carry. it’s too much to fight, i don’t have anything else to give.

i want rest. i want peace. i want my soul to not ache. the pain of being alive is so much to bear, at what point is enough enough? at what point have i done enough?

i send everlasting and continued love to my friends and family. i send love from the corners of the universe, where i hope it will still reach them. i know they won’t understand, and i never want them to hurt, but i am also deeply hurt, and i can only take so much.

i loved everyone, i loved everything, and i gave my best. that’s the story i hope they tell. and if they don’t, well at least i wont be around to hear it.

#3.7.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i’m full of sad energy this morning, though i hope for improvement throughout the day.

i hate the idea that i’m the reason we’re not having more sex. it doesn’t feel like a fair statement when i have never rejected any of your legitimate advances towards me. of course if it’s during a time when we’re actually not gonna have sex and you try to paw me or something, i do brush it off because it’s not actually going to happen at that time. and you say that response makes you not want to try to initiate actual sex but… what should a better response be? you won’t give me an answer. i guess maybe there isn’t one. but this is why i feel like you’re saying it’s my fault. that’s all that was said and i don’t know how to fix it.

this is a really exhausting way to start my day. i feel like i have zero energy now to do anything. im sad and im exhausted. i’m lucky to have few meetings today but i still have work to do. and its honestly hard when you’re so so sad. but i’m gonna do what i can.

i hope it ends up being a better day.

#2.8.24

[truc0nfessionz]

today i feel really sick and sad.

a lot of it is work. if im being honest, im tired. 5 years of constant changes and sprinting in new directions has fucking worn on me. 5 years of new bosses, new products, new leadership and the same disorganized CEO - it gets exhausting after a while.

it’s hard to be the one who champions every change, the one who always produces something from nothing. it’s hard to keep putting in “my all”, all of which gets thrown away when we see the next shiny object to chase. i get it, it must be hard to be ultimately responsible for the fate of the business and i really do have empathy for that.

but it is really hard to keep sprinting alongside it all. at some points, your legs give out and you’re just getting dragged. i try to be grateful there’s a company still here to drag me at all after all the questionable leadership we’ve seen.

i feel like i’m in jess’ crosshairs right now. she’s pissed that the CS numbers look bad, somehow conveniently forgetting that they forced me to go to absolute minimum viable staffing. now she’s focused on the hoops i can jump through to fix it. meanwhile, the answer is i just need more people.

and honestly, i get tired of jumping. i get tired of telling the same stories. i am so grateful to have this income, but the way it wears on my soul is starting to get old.

i hope it’s a phase. i hope we recover. i hope the metrics improve enough for her to focus her energy somewhere else and leave my team in peace. but if not, i guess we’ll see what happens. i guess we’ll see how much energy i can give and what happens when i finally can give no more. cause damn, i am so tired.

also, i’m still deeply hurt about my 30th birthday and the fact that my best friend and my parents didn’t really show up for me. i didn’t get a birthday card, a flower, a balloon, nothing. neither party tried to call me on my day. it’s like it was nothing to them. and considering I’M the person who shows up for them in every way - i go to great lengths to always make sure they feel special, loved, appreciated - it’s so fucking hurtful to me that they couldn’t even give me 10% of what i give them.

and it hurts a lot specifically from K. i’ve always said she’s the one who knows my heart. she would know that i literally don’t need expensive gifts or an equal contribution - i just want to be acknowledged in SOME WAY that shows you thought about me before this physical moment when i’m standing here. why would i have to explain that to someone who has claimed to know me and be my best friend for YEARS?

honestly, i don’t know how to get over this. i can see how to many it wouldn’t be a big deal, but to me it’s very personal. it’s the biggest milestone birthday ive had in a decade…. and you did nothing at all.

it’s actually enough for me to wonder if i’m going to continue the friendship at all. why would i show up for anyone who doesn’t show up for me?

and to add insult to injury - the fucking expensive ass gift i got her for christmas (that she ASKED FOR) isn’t the right thing in the end and she wasn’t even going to TELL ME during the period where i could actually get my money back. she would have let it sit there and let me waste my money entirely instead of just be honest with me.

how on earth is this someone who cares about me? the math doesn’t math on that at all. it just doesn’t.

so if i have to let this go overall, i have to. and it would hurt like hell for a long time. it fucking hurts right now. but as a 30 year old woman, i can’t show up for people who don’t show up for me. i won’t.

just because you’ve been a part of my life in the past doesn’t mean i can take you into the future. but i will let it go with love. i will wish nothing but the best for those who don’t move on with me. but i will hold the love for myself most dear - because at the end of the day: i can’t love anyone who doesn’t love me the same way.

so yeah i’m really fucking tired right now. just exhausted with work and with life. and honestly, if my best friend and i break up i might be exhausted for a long, long time. but i’m gonna push on. i’m gonna do what i can do. and no matter what, im gonna live a great life. with or without those who didn’t show up for me.

#1.25.24

[truc0nfessionz]

i’m still really sad today.

i wish i could support you better for what you’re going through. i wish i had the strength right now.

i’m still really hurt from yesterday. and i don’t want to bring it up because i can’t stomach another day of fighting.

but the way that you did the things you promised me you wouldn’t do… it impacts all of my faith in what we’re building here

you promised me you would never physically leave. and you especially promised me you wouldn’t leave without telling me goodbye. december 11, 2023. that’s when you promised me you wouldn’t do that. and nine days later when we’re in a fight, it means nothing. your word isn’t kept. and now i don’t know which promises you’re making that you’ll actually be able to keep. you want me to promise my life to you. we’re supposed to be promising our lives to each other… but if you make me a promise, i don’t know that you’ll keep it. even if you know it means hurting me so fucking much. even if you know that that action is my deepest and most painful trigger. you will still do it even though you promised me you wouldn’t.

i can’t take that. i really can’t. it’s too risky if your word doesn’t mean anything - especially on what you know will hurt me the most. i literally love you. i’m sorry i raised my voice and pushed you to the point where you felt like you had to hurt me in the way you knew would devastate me the most.

i just honestly don’t know where we can go from here.

#12.20.23

[truc0nfessionz]

remember who i used to be before the fires started?

i trusted so easily, i gave so freely

but when the flames roared and the smoke billowed

i began to singe, caught an ember, and the next thing you know id been reduced to cinders

i don’t know if i’ll ever recover. i don’t know if one can

am i stronger now? or just tougher?

i was burned. and those scars show

how can you repair something ravaged by fire? burnt to bitter blackness?

once you strike a match you can never undo it.

i don’t think i’ve ever liked fire.

#12.18.23

[truc0nfessionz]

honestly, i’m still hurt as fuck from last night.

i still have hurt in my body this morning.

i still don’t understand how me telling you “i’ll tell you whenever you want” and you telling me “i really don’t care” somehow translates to me not trusting you and keeping a “highly guarded secret”

how is that fair to me? i believed your words and i couldn’t read your mind. and the ferocity with which you came at me last night - the one where you couldn’t explain it but you were DEAD SET that you had asked me before - that ferocity paralyzes me. how can you be so adamantly against me over something neither one of us can recall? something that debatably, is not true?

that’s what hurts me the most. is the idea that some day, you’re gonna be so busy aggressively standing on your point that this relationship gets ruined over something that neither of us can remember if even happened… but you’re SO willing to throw me away over something you don’t remember? i have a good memory, i definitely remember a lot, and i would’ve believed you if you could hint to me an instance where this had happened… but you couldn’t. and you were so ready to go to the garage and spend another night not talking. don’t you know that triggers my abandonment? to blame me for something i didn’t do, then leave me over it? it’s really really triggering; because it’s what you did the day you packed your bags to leave me as well after you swore that i said someone else was cute… which is WE BOTH KNOW in our right mind i didn’t do.

i don’t have an issue with you feeling your feelings, but sometimes it feels like you’re really quick to assume mal-intent on my part. why am i being accused of being secretive and sneaky? because i couldn’t read your mind and determine that you were meaning the EXACT opposite of what you were saying? you’re offended that i didn’t want to hurt your feelings but you were whole ass making an accusation of me trying to be sneaky…. honestly, i don’t understand that. it still really, really hurts. you know me - how could you so quickly make an accusation of me that doesn’t match ANY of my words or intentions over the last year? when have i ever been secretive to you??? when???

i’ve literally NEVER tried to be sneaky. never. but you’re wanting me to accept and stand on that… why? i have literally been the opposite of sneaky by SAYING i will tell you whenever you want. you’re mad at me for “comparing you to other people” when you’re whole ass accusing me of something i have never done. and you get mad that i wont agree with you??? on something i never did????

it feels like there are demons unhealed here. i don’t want to be the punching bag for your past traumas. i really don’t deserve being aggressively accused if i legit didnt do any of what you’re saying… what happens next time you’re too angry to even see that what you’re saying isn’t true at all??? just know that every time you do something like that, it causes damage i can’t repair. it’s too hurtful to be gaslit by the one you love.

and how does this all happen on the eve that we’re supposed to be buying my engagement ring..? how can we emulate marriage with a human who literally is ready to leave me at any time over something I HAVENT DONE? how is that a marriage? a relationship? how does that have a future?

the anger and intensity with which you were willing to stand on that lie and leave me gives me a deep internal disturbance. i have trust issues now that some other day or time you’re gonna be set off by something else and im actually gonna get left over something that isn’t even true at all. another situation where you can’t be reasoned with and you can’t even be around me. this is the second time that’s happened… it can’t happen a third time, it just can’t. i hope you know that every time that happens, it hurts me in a way that i can’t fix. it leaves space for a distrust that will take a long time to dissipate.

it makes me feel like i have absolutely no control of this situation. how can something i DID NOT DO leave such a dent on our relationship? how can you be so ready to leave my presence / tell me you can’t be around me when i legitimately haven’t done anything? it feels like the ultimate form of gaslighting - for you to get pissed at me for something i didn’t do and leave then leave me? it leaves a deeper scar than i can ever explain. and i suppose we have to go to therapy to discuss why the fuck that triggers me too.

last night was terrible, and today was so tough. it’s not a great start to the day where we purchase my engagement ring…

#12.4.23

[truc0nfessionz]

i release expectations of what you will do

i release expectations of who you will be,

i’ll maintain my baited breath and hope

you’ll be someone that thinks of me.

i love you regardless of it all,

i believe in your intent;

i hope you’ll catch me when i fall

and that we won’t lament.

maybe everything is hard because depression looms

it traps me in, creates a tomb

but i guess that’s why i look to you

and hope and pray you’ll choose me too.

#scribble #11.5.23

[truc0nfessionz]

to November 2021 me:

baby girl, you’re gonna make it. you’re gonna kill it. i know it felt like this year was gonna end you. i know it felt like you were caught in a storm, lost at sea, far from any sight of shore - but i promise, you’re on the right track.

damn, what a painful year of lessons it’s been. i am so proud of your strength and bravery. everything you’re up against now is setting you up to be the strongest person you’ve ever been, and although it seems sketchy sometimes you are going to survive. you’ll start to thrive soon. just hold on tight.

the negative energies have been stuck in your presence for several months now. you’ve been wondering - why me? how this? must it come all at once?

but yes, it must. you are learning right now how to push through the biggest betrayals you’ve ever encountered - most of which has been a betrayal to yourself.

trust your gut. don’t put others first who don’t deserve it. hold people accountable based on their actions, not their potential. protect yourself -not everyone has the pure heart you do. in fact, most people don’t. and they will want to take what you have as their own.

but hold strong. be still. lean into your own power and trust the divine timing of the universe. you are on the precipice of great things, and when you look back shortly you’ll see it was all worth it.

you’ll start to believe after a while that you are not deserving of great things. you’ll question if you deserve the terrible things happening around you. you don’t. you never did and you never do.

you are always loved. love leaves you but it always returns. and don’t worry about those who have wronged you. they will get what’s coming to them in time.

you are divinely protected, and you’re so close to greatness. just hold on.

#10.30.23