understoodbackwards

[understoodbackwards]

I don’t think I ever believed in the concept of twin flames, at least not until I realized that you were mine. And for as much time that has passed and the changing nature of our relationship, my flame will always burn for you. After all this time.

I think at any given point, no matter how many years go by, you could still reach out across the miles and distance and my heart would still leap every time you said my name. Because I don’t think I’ve ever had with anyone what I have with you — ease. It’s never been easy with anyone. I don’t laugh with them the way I do with you. I don’t find myself being as open with them as easily as you make me for you; if my face is an open book then my heart is a rare library and you have a key.

What kills me is that I know you felt it once too. You were the one who wanted to FaceTime all the time, you’d send me voice memos out of the blue, you asked me to come to London with you. You TOLD me that no one else understood you like I do. That you never told anyone the things that poured out of the darkest parts of your soul, the things that both haunt you and drive you at the same time.. except to me.

And now, I watch as you fall in love with someone else. And I’m sure she’s wonderful and I can see that she’s beautiful and I know I don’t think about this often except for the times that I do, and then it keeps me up at night and it consumes me and ties me to a stake and burns me alive. And I don’t hate her but I can’t like her.

Because she’s still not me. And I wanted it to be me. Even though my heart has lent itself to another for the last two years, I wanted it to be me. I wanted you to see in me what I have always seen in you.

Because I think if you ever asked, I would in a heartbeat. Asked what? Anything. Everything.

#dt

[understoodbackwards]

It's that time of night again when I should probably have been sleeping hours ago instead of reminiscing and introspecting. And let's be honest, romanticizing. I think being a romantic is my truest nature -- and those are the moments that I think back on and replay in my memories the most. If they were cassette tapes they'd be long worn out by now.

The tape named Maxwell has been reloaded again. Something that started making me miss him and think of him over the holidays. The feeling of wanting to text him on new years but holding off because we hadn't talked in a few months but more than that, we haven't really talked in a while. Not since LA. But I miss him.

I sometimes wonder if it's him that I miss or how he made me feel that I miss. A bit of both I think. Even over the last few days, him initiating texts first thing in the morning to me has been enough to make me smile and warm what feels like my barely alive heart. It's as if my heart is a reptile that's been too long without sun, in a cryo rest, beating every so often to remind itself that it's alive but not living. Not really anyways. But he texts me and it thaws my heart a little. His messages always feel intentional and specific to me - things he thinks I'll find interest or take some enjoyment in.

He's always been like that. It's what drew me to him all those years ago when it was something I had never even considered. I had almost forgotten that he tried asking me to dinner on the first day that we met and it wasn't until the end when he was almost leaving that we actually connected. And even that was a fluke as it had been merely circumstance that placed us together, circumstance and effort on his part despite the fact that I hadn't invited him to the outing or even wanted to spend time alone together. I wish I had realized that sooner and hadn't wasted time not seeing him. Not being with him. Because even if it hadn't worked out, at least I would have given it a shot and at least I'd have more memories of us. Because the memories I have when we really got to be together, not just over the phone, they are all of them wonderful. And the part of me that now does care for him (and I do care for him even if it's not the love that I'm so desperate for), refuses to ever hurt him or put him through... me because I am chaotic and fast and wild and emotional. All the things he's not (maybe one of them with an addending e lol). Which he has told me and expressed before but I know I need more. And I don't want to push that expectation on him when I don't really know what I want.

I do suppose this is also a conversation that could be had with him and he'd probably be very open to it. Realistically, I don't know where his feelings lie and geographically we're even further apart now than we were the first time. And yet maybe I can take it slowly and we can rebuild intimacy, even better if it's without expectations. Then I can take it slow as well. But as he once told me, "you're lightning." I don't know if slow is in my nature. But again I think about how he met me and within less than one day knew he'd try to ask me out. He knew where his interests lay and what he wanted and to hell with any pretence or pause. It may be the second boldest thing I've witnessed him do. The first being when he announced his interest in me and kissed me a minute later. I miss that part of him too. So maybe we'll see. Maybe tomorrow I'll text him to ask if he's read Before the Coffee's Gone Cold and he'll say of course, because.. of course. And we'll go from there and I'll keep replaying this tape for a little while longer. Grateful that it's him and that his tape has only pleasant memories I can get lost in.

[understoodbackwards]

I want to talk about fear for a moment. I'm fearful of regressing into a version of myself I should have long grown from. I'm scared that I'm stuck in a mindset that keeps me frozen in time, in life, never growing or reaching my full potential. I worry that I haven't lived enough to give myself the tools and experiences to make use of any talents I was supposed to create my life with.

I know what I'm supposed to do but I feel like I don't know who I am. Like I haven't lived and experienced enough because of conventions or fears about something going wrong. But what if it's supposed to? What if you have to risk everything for the chance at a worthwhile reward? What if the act of failing is in itself the story I've been looking for this whole time? I don't just want to live, I want to feel alive. I want for a single moment to feel and be excited by the depth and tones and shades of what it is to be alive.

I think all the best artists let themselves go into new situations and new places in order to put those experiences into their art. It's what sets them apart. They find themselves and their art become great because of it. Evergreen. And it may sound slightly egotistical to put myself in this category but people pleasing is what's limited myself in the past and this is my blog so I'm just going to say it.. I think I'm meant to make great art but I haven't yet because I need to expand my understanding of the world and what makes great art transcendent. How can you touch on something universal if it comes from a limited view?

So, I think I'm going to go and experience really living in the next year.

[understoodbackwards]

I've started dreaming again. Bold, vivid dreams with distinct people and moments. I haven't dreamed in a while if I'm being honest. I can't remember when I last did but lately I have been close to every night over the last week. But something in last night's dream, a feeling, is lingering and staying with me today. A melancholic ache deep within my soul for something that I've always wanted but never had despite being so sure that it was a possibility.

You see, amongst the many lives I've had with all their branches and universes, I was so sure that in at least one of them.. Devon and I were meant to be. I have loved him from the moment we met and our friendship was born of that. At one point in time, I was the first person he wanted to tell when something good happened. I was the person who understood him better than anyone else. The person I clicked with. He was my person. Or so I thought.

And yet we haven't been close in years - a painful truth to admit. And despite ending his long term relationship, we never even got to try because he moved back home and now is in love with someone else yet again. And I know that, and I'm happy for him.. but also a little sad for me. Because I don't know why I can't seem to find someone who looks at me the way Dev does, who sees me for who I am, who makes me want to laugh and appreciate every moment life has. He makes even grabbing ice-cream and fries seem like the greatest thing in the world. And I had forgotten what being with him and having him hold my hand felt like until last night. But if that's all that I'm going to get, at least in this lifetime, then I'll take it. Because even a momentary dream, might be a good one.

Maybe this feeling comes on the heels of Sil, or nvr, or even Max. But it just has me in my feels today and I needed some place to put these feelings. Even if it's on here as my once work/inspiration/life journaling space has now turned into the emotional ramblings about all the people I have loved and not been loved by, at least not in the way I want.

[understoodbackwards]

I wish I could bottle up and store that memory for the future - able to return to it any time I wanted, with full perfect recollection. The memory of being led by the hostess, walking through the double doors, through that velvet curtain into the room where all the beloved friends we work with were mingling, and immediately you were the first one to see me even if you weren't the first to run over to greet me. But your eyes and that gaze, a deep hunger and depth of feeling behind them, stayed locked on me as I entered and embraced others. Knowing you were watching and had never seen me dressed up outside of work except for that brief moment on your birthday made me feel the kind of beautiful that people write movies about. The kind of beautiful I wish I always felt. And then we spent the evening talking and learning about each other. And I got to stare at you and laugh with you and have you lean forward to listen to me. And if for any reason, I thought it was a dream I had imagined because you literally are a dream.. my dear friend Alice captured proof. Proof that it's exactly as enchanting in real life as it feels to have your complete undivided attention and to know that your connection with me is real and definitely not one-sided. To know that when we're spending time with each other, the rest of the world falls away. And while I know there likely isn't any real future for us, it's so comforting to know that I could capture for even a second the attention of someone like you. That I could captivate you enough to *always* be leaning towards me, trying to get closer, playfully touching in the same love language that I have, and making me feel desired. You're built of every dream I have ever had about the perfect man and you're real. And you also like me too. So while we got the right place and we're definitely the right people, I'm okay knowing we didn't get the timing right because every moment with you reminds me that it's worth waiting to feel that spark, worth waiting to feel special and sure, and worth waiting for the right thing.

#nvr

[understoodbackwards]

things happen when you least expect them

I thought that chapter of our story was over. I had made my peace with it and moved on. I could never have predicted last night/this morning would happen and when it did the part that caught me off guard the most was how natural and right it felt.

I think some part of me always knew that we would fit together and that if we could just align ourselves at the right time, in the right place.. that we would click. It felt like we had kissed before - like we had been doing it for years but it was our first. I've always had thoughts or been nervous/excited about kissing someone new but this just felt like we should have been doing this the whole time.

I don't know if it's me or you or both of us that changed or merely circumstance. But it feels so fitting that we would finally come together almost a year from when this started.

I have no expectations about the future but I'm willing to see what happens next..

#SC

[understoodbackwards]

I was an assistant for five years before finally breaking through and becoming an associate producer. It took me another year and a half after that to make co-producer. I'm liking this trajectory. Honestly couldn't be more grateful right now.

[understoodbackwards]

CO-MOTHERFUCKING-PRODUCER BABY. ✨

[understoodbackwards]

You and I really have run through the range of things and while some of this has been so incredibly difficult and heartbreaking, my fav part is that despite everything we always knew we'd be okay in the end. I meant it that morning when we were in bed and I was lying on your chest, when I said that we would know each other forever. Because we will. Our lives are too intertwined not to be but more than that, more important than that, we care about each other. And the love might not be the kind I thought I wanted but it's deep and it's real. It's you being furious with me for driving home from weho that night and then admitting that you couldn't handle it if something happened to me. It's you tentatively reaching out knowing that we hadn't spoken in a month and things have been tense between us. And even though we haven't really talked directly to each other, I know we've both been asking. I think the liquor got to you at that dinner but of all the people in the world to spill to, you told the guy who got me a best friend friendship necklace for my birthday. Of course he called me the second he got into the car home. I realized when I was in Connecticut that even though I'm still upset with you for not addressing that text, that regardless.. I still fucking missed you and felt like there was a hole in my life. I love that you've been texting me more and more when we're both in the room. I love that we're getting back to where we were before feelings got involved this year. I love that we're going to be okay.

[understoodbackwards]

I hate that I'm getting annoyed by you and finding things to be angry about. I never wanted to be in this place with you, I just wanted to fall out of love a little. I just wanted to be able to move forward and not have it hurt every time I looked at you or not feel my heart jump every time your name pops up. But I guess you can't decide how much of your feelings you're going to control and what's oddly happening is that I'm getting annoyed and questioning why I was ever interested, why it ever switched in the first place. And while the tiniest little part of me that I'm trying to bury deep down and tuck away, still wants us to end up together.. the bigger part of me right now wants to give in to this feeling and to just let myself get over you. Two wolves inside you and all that I guess.

[understoodbackwards]

the stab of waking up from a dream about something so mundane but exactly what your heart desires only to realize that it wasn't real

#I really did break my own heart with this one

[understoodbackwards]

Goodbye to us laughing together, you with that giant grin and twinkling eyes. To the moment when you'd be so amused you couldn't talk and then you'd look me in the eyes, and deftly lean forward to kiss me. To the weekends we'd spend together in Ojai as you brought me into the adopted family you've had for years - the people who had been waiting for you to find happiness forever. To matching energies. To meeting your real family finally and fitting in with them but also having the entire Sheridan family being so excited for us. They'd brag about how they'd met me first or predicted it first. Aunt Bernadette would insist she knew we were in love way back at Sinatra's. Dennis would be thrilled and tell him he couldn't have found anyone better. To sitting around campfires and pools and on rooftops and beaches with your arm around me in one of many hoodies I'd stolen by now, laughing with your friends and drinking as we jam out. To feeling like I'd found the group of friends I'd been searching for my whole life. To many more nights at the bowl laughing about how awkward we were there that second time. To nights spent cuddling in bed and waking up next to each other. To every moment when you grab my inner thigh with your rough hands and have me melting all over you. To probably the best sex either of us have ever had. To vacations, laying on beaches, exploring the world together. To you meeting my family and them loving you more than I ever could have hoped and you being so nervous about making a good first impression but knocking it out of the park. To all my friends approving and loving you as they all cheer and celebrate us at -- To our wedding. It wouldn't matter to me where we got married or how big it is or what it looks like. I would genuinely just be so happy to pick you and marry you in front of all our family and friends. We'd want everyone there more than decorations or outfits or flowers because our people are what matters to us. Our vows would be unreal. The best thing you'd ever written you'd say when retelling the story, the truest words from your heart that tore through every block and barrier you'd ever put up. We'd build each other up and help heal those broken parts inside. We'd motivate each other and encourage each other. It's why our wedding would be the most beautiful, because it would be true. To the house we'd live in, beautifully designed and decorated with the perfect amount of homey but cinematically classic touches. To us being best friends and soulmates who were destined to be together. To having you open up and spill all your secrets, and the deep endless conversations we'd have. To the feeling like we just fit together. To the look you'd give me when the entire world fell away and it was just you and me. When you were vulnerable and shy and open. When you made me feel like you loved me just as much. To the future we could have had together.

This is me saying goodbye to all the expectations I built up by myself in my head. You hurt me but I broke my own heart with this one.

[understoodbackwards]

how it should have gone

#why can't we be honest with each other #why is everything we do or say so weighted

[understoodbackwards]

I'm done. I can't do this with him, or play these kind of will they/won't they games. I came here for answers, and I got one. It might not have been what I wanted and I feel disappointed but I'm also going to be okay.

[understoodbackwards]

Maybe one day I'll stop coming here with expectations that only leave me disappointed. But this feels really shitty to be here in Toluca again in a place by myself wondering why you're not showing up like you promised. I feel like I'm repeating history and it sucks.

I might delete this one later.

[understoodbackwards]

"Be my heart, I've got you in the end, I wish I had you from the start."

[understoodbackwards]

Every person I've really had feelings for has been so much better than the previous one in many ways. And I keep making better decisions about who to feel for each time. So even if it doesn't work out between us, it's been a pleasure to give my heart to you because you're about as good as they get. You're funny, smart, kind, generous, and your heart is bigger than your muscles which are also fairly huge. You care about people and when it comes down to it, you're there in the ways that matter. I genuinely can't imagine anyone better than you. But if it doesn't work out for us, that's okay too because it just means that the next person I fall for will somehow be even better than you so they must be pretty spectacular. But I hope it's you. I hope you're it because I would be pretty damn happy if you're the end.

#SC