urbanpineapplefarmer

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Tracy Chapman and Luke Combs performing Fast Car at the Grammys

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Me, plunking Stinky Bastard Man’s carrier on the counter: hi he’s here for shots and a nail trim and he’ll need to be sedated

Nurse: Are you sure? We can try-

Me: he needs to be sedated

Nurse: Well, it’ll take longer-

Me: he needs to be sedated, he will try to rip your face off

Nurse: Well we’ll try without first and we’ll let you know if we need to sedate

Me, watching her carry him away: you will need to sedate him

Nurse, coming back 10 minutes later clutching her hand: so, we will need to sedate him

Me:

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

sorry i covered your neck in dark hickeys and clamped down hard on your throat like limp prey while i was giving you a handjob. you whimpered a little too soft and i blacked out and believed myself to be a feral dog in possession of an entire rotisserie chicken

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Honestly, I don't mind the proliferation of emojis in casual online communication because it makes my favourite sort of bit much easier to pull off. Saying patently absurd shit in a perfect deadpan used to be hard to convey in pure text, and now all I have to do is punctuate and avoid using little cartoons.

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Explaining the Kendrick Drake feud to my New England Old Money friend

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Cant have fucking shit in Detroit

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

THANK YOU. JESUS CHRIST THIS DRIVES ME INSANE EVERY FUCKING TIME BE NICE TO THE PSYCHROLUTES GOD

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

not an author’s note but it made me stop scrolling and laugh so hard I cried

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

A story within a story where a mother sits her rowdy children down and tells them a story about a the world's sweetest, kindest mother who never lost her temper, never cursed and never yelled at her children, no matter how rowdy they could get. She would only gently, kindly told them to not do the dangerous things. One day she sweetly, kindly told her children to not go play at the riverbank, because it's dangerous and they might slip on the rocks, fall into the water, and die. Her children do not listen. They go play at the riverbank, where they slip on the rocks, fall into the water, and die.

And the sweet perfect mother of the story comes to the riverbank, sees that all her children drowned, and starts crying so bitterly that angels overhear her, and the angels say to each other, "she does not deserve this, this woman has never done anything wrong in her life, this should not have happened to her", and feeling great pity for her, bring her children back to life, and after that they always listened to their mother and lived happily ever after.

And the storyteller's children, who at this point are familiar with the concept that these stories are supposed to have some sort of a moral or lesson in them, interject to point out that their mother hasn't always done everything perfectly, she isn't always sweet, curses a lot, and as a matter of fact loses her shit at her kids all the time. She isn't like the mother of the story at all.

And their mother agrees: Her children are correct. She is not a perfect mother who has never done anything wrong. Angels will not have pity on her, and they will not bring her little shits back to life if they go to the river and die. So they better fucking not go get themselves killed in the first place.

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Jason as those AO3 authors who have the worst tragedies happening to them and yet still continues to pump out his new chapter every week

Some poor, unbeknownst Gothamite: “My favorite fanfic writer hasn’t posted or updated any of their fanfic in like four years. I don’t want to bug them but I’m always hoping for them to come back. I hope their okay :( ”

Jason, in between cutting off right hand mens heads and antagonize black mask, like Really Living It Up: “hey, sorry, guys! I know it’s been forever! I literally died and clawed my way back from zombiehood, but I’m back now! Hope you enjoy this new chapter!”

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

is it fucking weird to anyone else to think that deer are like, everywhere

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

This is the dream, tho?

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

Policy proposal: we create a big device that spins really fast and put all annoying people into it

[urbanpineapplefarmer]

More examples of the WORST mansplaining here.