ventdri

[ventdri]

01/26/2019

so much tea.

***to anyone who may stumble on this that i know irl (including my future self) i am aware that i am reading into many things and im not taking everything actually this seriously okay

SHINNS PARTY/THOUGHTS ON ANTHONY B4 throwback to a week ago, at shinn’s going away party. they told me to invite teresa and i said “i’ll see if she’s free” and then didnt invite her, bc 1) i like to be myself at parties and i cant be when i’m with her, and 2) i didnt want her to flirt with anthony :) at some point, anthony gave me his jacket, then i got warm later and took it off. at another point, josh gave me his jacket, and then i later gave it back too lol. also anthony is so sweet, i went over to sit by him to eat the macaroni tuna salad i made for erryone, but then the seat next to him was full, so he insisted i take his seat lol but in my head i was like um i want to just chat next to you but after he gave me his seat he left lmao. 

SHINN’S PARTY CONT (taking pics) then later we were taking group pics and anthony put his arm around me for a few, then he like realllllly put his arm around me. like i was wearing a crop top and so his hand wrapped around my waist was very sensual. i put my hand tight on his waist back (back as in he did it first, not as in on his back), but in hindsight i shouldve grabbed his and moved it tighter or something lol. we kept it like that for a few pics, and broke and then took more pics. josh thought he could do the same thing so he also put his arm sensually on me hahahahaha. in hindsight again, i should have moved his hand further lol. sitting on the couch he also was letting his leg touch mine, which i did not care about, but now i’m wondering if it meant something to him. 

THOUGHTS ON JOSH josh has done a few cringey things that i think are hilarious but i dont tell anyone lol, and idk if he’ll remember them and he’ll probably never bring them up. also i’m nice to him bc we’re FRIENDS so maybe he’s reading into that? i brought him cane’s post-his-birthday-throw-up bc im a good person and it was his birthday lol. i had told him how justin was always texting me and how i’d wait like hours to respond, and now josh is texting me about tamuhack and so maybe he’s reading into that bc im actually replying? which is because when i text justin, josh knows i wait, so maybe he thinks that since i’m not waiting im into him?? i don’t want him to get any wrong hints???? ugggghhhhh (also i could be reading into things myself, like when i thought he was asking me out so i rejected him but then he said it was supposed to be a group thing, to which madison thinks is bs and im pretty sure i do too. UGH I ALREADY TOLD HIM IM NOT INTO HIM. i’ve already pondered it for a while and decided no)

MY PICKUP SKILLZ in hindsight, apparently my current “moves” on anthony could be perceived as subtle, and adding him on snap and swiping up on shinn’s story of him playing guitar probs wasn’t enough.

in retrospect, i should just do what i want and stop caring about hurting people’s feelings. which is why i wanna openly flirt with anthony at shinn’s next coming back/going away party. this is my plan (imma reread it and be like that’s still too subtle): 

ideas: we should play beer pong, opposing teams then same team??? lots of high fives and maybe get touchy feely?? sit next to him on the couch?? ask him to walk me to my car -> thank him, maybe kiss him, maybe offer to “give him a ride home.” or if he goes home, ask whoever’s giving him a ride to also give me a ride, and drop off anthony first, then maybe i’ll stay ;)))). or if someone (josh) ALSO tags along to walk me to my car, i can drop off josh at his place and then go to anthony’s lol. ooh should we play never have i ever?

is anthony gonna reciprocate?? am i gonna get rejected?? what if he’s like “she’s drunk, she doesn’t really want it, i should wait till she’s sober

AT ACM MEETING josh was like “when are we gonna go shooting???” “you’re out of town this weekend lol” “but like when are you free???” “on the weekends lol” “so next weekend” “yes haha” then i talked to miggy.

miggy had messaged me earlier about teresa’s golf skillz. i asked him what made him think of it, then he said he was telling anthony about it earlier. (anthony’s into golf.) as someone else approached to talk to him/us, he whispered real quick, “is she single?” and i said yeah, but i didnt want to end the conversation!!! i am also single!!! i also think anthony is cute!!!

so convo got interrupted, then at some point, josh is bringing up shooting again, but i kinda end it and talk to miggy again. and i say, “sooo ummm about anthony.... well i am also single. and i also think he’s cute.” cue, “Adri?!?!?!? i didn’t know you were into younger guys?!?” and i don’t think i said anything (maybe “yeah?”) but i kinda made this face like “hmm never really thought about it?” then he comes close and he quietly basically says like “not in like a judgy way or anything, but are you the type to smash around?” and i again cannot remember what i said but it was like nodding my head and saying a hearty (confident?) “yeah” whatever that means!! but in my head i was like “yas i prefer it that way!!” and “bruh i literally graduate in 4 months.” and i was like “is that what he wants” and he was like “mm yeah?” i think, and i think i nodded??? i wish i could remember?????????? 

idk if josh heard any of that. but miggy probs is gonna tell anthony??? i haven’t told teresa any of this??? do u think miggy will tell josh??? maybe only if josh brings it up first, i am confident in miggy’s ability to shoot him down and be like “um nah fam” lol. 

what if he does that and josh doesn’t surrender? or if he gets mad??? um here’s my comeback if he ever casually brings it up lol. “remember when you introduced me to all your friends at litmas?? and you were like “that’s michael, he’s the one who blablabla. that’s so and so, and he blahblahblah. and now that’s anthony. anthony makes water wet.” and do you know what I think about when i think of anthony now lmao. 

miggy probably already told anthony that i’m into him (dtf) but that takes just a bit of the fun out of it. but that also makes it easier bc he’s also probs dtf?? idk??? miggy didn’t say anthony was into me explicitly???? 

wait does anthony have a car lol. 

[ventdri]

i think sef is hot. its in my plans to sleep with him at some point. two options: wait and make it more serious so i can tell him about my situation? or just go ahead and do it and not tell him, or maybe tell him, but risk judgement from friends. also kelly knows about my situation probs

if bri or anyone talks shit about me and ever tells someone about me behind my back, imma be fuckin pissed

bc first of all

1. who has spent hours and hours over the past two years reading research on herpes? (me)

2. what percent of the population has a form of it? (~75%)

3. what percent of carriers show it? (1/3)

apply that to our friend group: 4 of us. so 3 of us probs have it. 1 of us shows it. 

4. what is the only way to pass it? (skin to skin contact with an open sore or broken skin)

so who of us can pass it on? all 3 of us. who is the only one disclosing? me. think about pistella, still not disclosing. 

5. if you have a unprotected sex with no breakout, twice a week for a year, what are your odds of passing it to a noncarrier? (4% after a year)

6. unprotected sex with no breakout, but also with condoms? (2% after a year)

7. unprotected sex with no breakout, but also with condoms, also with suppressive therapy? (1% after a year)

8. how often do iiiiiiii get breakouts? (once a year. maybe twice)

9. where do i get breakout?? (not IN my vagina. literally in my pubes. one zit. not a cluster. it’s literally like a zit. we all get them on our face. our back. our butt. but one on my pubic hair and everyone freaks out? it’s like an ingrown hair. and no one will ever see it. i will never be intimate with someone when i have a breakout)

10. how often do i take antiviral medication? (every day for 2 years)

11. how many people have I disclosed to? 4

12. how many disclosures resulted in negative interactions? ZERO because they’re on my terms. ALWAYS.

13. what percent of them were still dtf? 100%

14. if someone has slept with 25+ people, do they already have it? (likely, not in a slutshaming way. are they gonna disclose to me? probs not.)

WHOSE SECRET IS IT TO TELL? MINE

you have no idea how i felt. i thought my sex life was over. i was literally prepared to never be intimate with anyone ever again. preparing myself for people to leave when i tell them. i am literally the butt of people’s jokes. from people who know like tanya, to people who didn’t know like andre. the first two times we hung out, he had already made 3 herpes jokes. 3! how tf am i supposed to tell someone like that and expect them to be open-minded? i could literally be his next punch-line when he hangs out with his friends. then when they see me on campus, lean over and whisper to their friends “omg that’s the girl that tried to fuck andre but she has herpes, fucking disgusting.” 

But you know what? he was cool with it. because (i am confident always and am now fine with possible rejection that has never happened, and) he once got tested, found out he’s a carrier but doesn’t show it. is he disclosing? no. is he taking antivirals even though he can pass it? no. 

but i became confident. i am LITERALLY an expert on herpes. i have read years of research, know about different strains, the difference between type 1/2, that both can be in either place, transmission statistics for all kinds of situations. 

this belongs somewhere: 

standard STI tests don’t show it. 

also, if you disclosed to someone in australia, they’d look at you weird. not bc you have it, but because it’s a normal thing to have, it’s not considered gross, everyone has it (speaking in a general manner), and it’s not stigmatized. 

also, i had only slept with 3 people before pistella. 2 of those were literally long-term relationships. and i didn’t even get it the first time i slept with pistella. it was like the 5th time

also, why the fuck would you tell someone’s secret like that, esp that belonging to a friend, and speak of them in such a gross manner. i could understand when you were with tanya and she rubbed off on you. but i regret defending you and your shitty personality. 

(disclosure, she hasn’t done it, but at some point i feel like it’s something she’d do)

#herpes #bri #fears

[ventdri]

11/12/2018

poor raegan. im in the holden tutoring center study area, and this guy comes up and sits next to her and tries to start a convo bc she knows her. imo she doesn’t want to. the other guy here apparently knows her too, so he spends time shit talking their professor, about how shes only 1 year older older, she’s on a power trip, she isn’t lenient on deadlines.

how about he respects her title and ignores her age, he realizes she’s literally doing her job and not on a power trip, and turn in his fucking work on time. 

he also is taking a semester off before his last one where he actually graduates, so he has “time for himself” before he has to start looking for a job

also he’s taking his soon to be ttu freshman sister on a tour of campus--but a “real tour” so he can tell her “yeah that’s murdough where you’ll be eating all the time” bc the acutal tour guides “don’t say that” (they do). he’s thinks he can do a better job to appeal to his sister, wanting to take her to broadway, doesn’t know what he’ll show her in depot district (when there’s first friday and yoga and the farmers market and food trucks), and he’s never been to pie bar

side note, he tried to fight a guy (to defend someone else) at the UT game and his girlfriend had to physically restrain him 

#guys i hate