wcoastboy

[wcoastboy]

[wcoastboy]

By societyofgardendesigner

[wcoastboy]

list of things i'm grateful for in 2022 got a new phone ✨ got a new macbook ✨ got new airpods ✨ caught up with tv shows ✨ got a good internship ✨ worked on my body ✨ made good friends ✨ bought couture ✨ got some nice clothes ✨ went out with some nice guys ✨ got closer to my bfs ✨ got more confident ✨ got healthier ✨ got better at arabic ✨ saw more of beirut ✨ weed ✨ 4.0 gpa ✨

[wcoastboy]

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.

ugh this phrase by albert einstein is sooo relatable. I love knowing, I just so absolutely do I don't think I can find words to express it, I feel like I am a dry sponge, thirsting for water and knowledge is just a long await relief. sometimes I think im addicted, but I love it. I can read countless wikipedia articles at night before sleeping, its just so fun, I read jstor articles on skincare products to understand my routine, I go on drugs. com for fun just to see interactions, I read so much history of so many places, and recently I just love knowing policy and bureaucracy? 

I feel like it truly gives me just so much power, over myself, over others, over situations, it makes me speak better and at the same time humbles myself in the sense that I realize we (or I) also don't know enough and we’ll never do - and perhaps is better this way? 

knowing, knowing, knowing, reading, reading, reading, ugh, discovering a new thing is like being in a cozy place finding a treasure after a hunt, it just mimics the vaginal pleasures of discovery. 

and when I read hegel, or butler, or nochlin, or gombrich, or winckelmann, or marx, or kant, or read about alexander, hadrian, turing, jobs, dummond, tolstoy, michelangelo, and everything they've done, and everything they've built is just so, so beautiful...to live and grasp in the world of academia is truly wonderful to touch even if just a bit in the spirit of our age. sometimes I think of these people almost as the foundations for us, like in a way they've truly led humanity, its almost divine

I want to know more

[wcoastboy]

the only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. one day I will be beautiful...

Ralph Waldo Emerson

[wcoastboy]

"When you are troubled and afflicted, that

is the time to gain merit. You must pass

through water and fire before coming to

rest. Unless you do violence to yourself

you will not overcome vice."

- Imitation of Christ

[wcoastboy]

I just want the ease that everything will be good

me

[wcoastboy]

[wcoastboy]

god has blessed me. riches, love, and beauty. the mother gives, and gives, and gives. but I want more, oh lord come unto me and let there be light in my journey

[wcoastboy]

ars longa. vita brevis

the greeks said it, and its true. how am I supposed to achieve greatness in this short butterfly cycle of ephemeralness 

[wcoastboy]

an entry on sensibility

I have always been sensible to everything, how people responded to my presense, how they treated me, what they thought of me, how they did (or didn’t) remember me and so much more. I can remember instances in which I was so saddened by minor things, and equally just as happy by minor things. 

my first memories in this sense always trace back to school. I remembering thinking that people had a whatsapp group without me besides the class group. I think it was paranoia but I always overthink these things. Or when luisa let daniel, igor and vinicius to mock her so much, and tickle her, and so much more, and if I did that, I was instantly seen as rude or mean - even though we were so much closer. or how the entire class gets happy/support idk daniel or anyone else in their online and life endeavors, but no one really bothers to hype me up, sometimes its the littlest things like why do they all comment on each other’s post (including me), and no one comments on mine? 

sometimes, when me and eduardo would bother, tickle, and play with carol’s hair, (even when sometimes I was quiet and he instigated me) everyone assumed it was my idea, and that I was mean while eduardo was just partaking in good fun. 

or when isabella lied to the professor that I locked her out of the door, when she knew I didn’t and the door’s lock was rusty, and the professor believed her. 

I always had these feelings, I am not sure but maybe a lot of people do to, but I don’t feel like I was at the center of the groups in school. in high school I guess it got a little better when I started going out with my friends, but then it got worse again. I blame my parents a little bit, everyone, since childhood got to have playdates, pizza nights, sleepovers, roadtrips all together, and I was mostly out of the picture (quite literally when we revisit school pictures...). it gave me so much fomo when I got older..wow I remember everyone renting houses at the beach during carnival, new years, and so much more, and when we would go back to classes there were sooooo many stories, and I wasn’t part of any of them. this actually quite hurt me.

there were instances in which tiny things would warm my heart. one day when my mom realized I snacked on a cucumber, she went to the kitchen and cut me some, and gave it to me while I was watching TV. I cried. one day eduardo, despite going through a period of not talking to me, asked my help because he was facing anorexia. I felt so sad that this was going on, but so warm to know I was the one he still trusted. I felt so happy when carol got into USP, and when eduardo was gonna buy an apartment. I get so happy when rayan defended me over omar, or when zainab decides not to go out and she calls me for us to get high together. I feel so immensely happy when me zainab and rayan do anything together. 

and...I feel so, sooooo happy when I get compliments, and when I reazlie a handsome guy is attempting to pursue me sexually, but just as equally miserable when he is not anymore. and now..............its bothering me.

I guess, from putting all this down, its quite clear it always bothered me right? but idk, recently I have even been considering going to therapy because of this extreme sensitivity I feel from men. I think it is probably daddy issues, maybe I did not get enough from him so I project need for attention/love/care in other boys. but they have so much power over me and I absolutely hate it, I have been trying to control it and I think I am making slow progress but they still hold such a grip over me. 

oh god I am feeling the fomo right now as I write, realizing that people’s stories are so packed with images of the beach, hotels and resorts, restaurants, games, malls, trips, bars and clubs [all. the. time.] 

anyways, men. yeah I just want this to stop, when they give me any attention its like, I get so happy, I feel so seen, validated even, but as soon as they retrieve it, its like darkness, and almost if I was experiencing some sort of...withdrawal symptoms? its so annoying and tiring and..I dont know. and the worse part is that I dont even like them that much, I am not in love with some of them or anything, but when I see them after meeting me going from guys to guys...it disgusts me a little bit, even if sometimes im almost just as bad. 

Idk, its really bothering me, I just want balance, to be a 50. being 0 or 300 all the time is so difficult, and quite draining I might add. life is not, and should not be an abrupt and immediatist seasonal change between happy and sad. we need moments of contempt, happiness, calm and peace, sadness, healing, etc. why do I base so much of these crucial things of my life in the approval of other guys? 

god. 

#journal #journalentry

[wcoastboy]

sometimes its quite sad, isn't it?

me

[wcoastboy]

[wcoastboy]

#fresco #mythology #art #archeology #pompeii #mann #napoli https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq2Tr1DlcsZ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1x23j867mul9a

[wcoastboy]

Roman #Mosaic of Birds, 4th - 5th c CE; #Antioch, Anatolia. https://www.instagram.com/p/B_kbRgnlA3s/?igshid=1c97d50h4w95o

[wcoastboy]

[wcoastboy]