Last Seen Blogs
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BeliUtopia Peru
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im-not-a-monster-fucker
I’m Not A Monster Fucker, But-
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No good in goodbye
It’s a struggle everyday- just to remain sane. Maybe I should let you go. What you had for me was attraction and not love. There’s a difference... Cause if you loved me, we wouldn’t be hurting. I’m not perfect. I’m a mess and that’s why I never wanted to be with you. But when I was with you... I loved you with all my flaws and my broken pieces. I tried to understand you. I tried to love you and I do love you...
But I feel things changing. When I’m broken, and I have no will to live... that’s when I know things have changed. I know that I have changed. I can no longer bear your hypocrisy, the hypocrisy I always justified. I can no longer bear your lies, your lies I tried to understand. I can no longer bear your selfish ways, the ways I thought I deserved. I can no longer do that. I have to let go. And I don’t regret it. You were the best thing that happened to me and I’ll forever wonder what would it be like if we were together because you were the best thing that happened to me.
I guess we didn’t know how to love. I know that I don’t... After all this time, I know that my love will never be enough to keep anyone near me. Because after all I’m just a wild ruckus.
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What matters the most
And no matter what you say, no matter what I know, no matter what I see, the only thing that steers me is how I feel. How I feel at that exact moment, how I felt when your words pierced me, how I felt when you ignored me, and how I felt when your starting changing...
Yes... What I feel matters the most. Nothing else.
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And that’s when it hit me...
I never understood why you fell for me... I never did... Everyone else in your life before me was everything someone would want... And then I realized it’s because you could control me. I gave you power to control me; and they didn’t.
That’s why you are with me... That’s the only reason...
I understand now... I was foolishly in love with you... I understand now
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Worthless
I mean... I understand... At least I force myself to do, just to remain sane. You no longer want me, I will try to understand because it is no surprise. I’ve never thought I was good enough for anyone, not even you. Maybe that was my problem. I never loved myself and I accepted everything-the good and the bad-without hesitation because I believed that I was worthless. Your presence in my dull life validated me... But maybe it will change. Maybe I will value myself again and find myself.
Till then...
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It was a Lie
And then you started lying...
It was nothing at first... Just about whether you ate, slept, and the little things. But then it started. You lied about everything. You never thought twice about it. It was as if you had lied for all this time... That’s what hurt the most. The thought that none of this was real...
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And just like that nothing mattered anymore...
People say “move on”, “get over” but I don’t understand… How do you do it? Because at one moment in your life, when everything starts falling apart and you have nothing to cling onto… you will cling onto your memories-the beautiful and the ugly. It’s at this moment will you realize that you’ve been cheating yourself by believing that you have moved on…
People fall in love with someone for how they make them feel… You don’t fall for the person… You never do. Because if you did, you wouldn’t let your relationship depend on how someone makes you feel. You would be able to throw away all that jealousy, misunderstanding, doubt and every negative emotion and focus on the good.
It’s just an illusion…
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