wish-upon-a-dying-star
slowly slipping into old habits
The name’s Star | 19 | all pronouns | pansexual polyamorous enby | basically my virtual diary | put me out of my misery please
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One of the saddest, hardest moments of your life will be when you are crying and screaming to the world pleading for a sign.
A sign that you should stay alive for one more day, maybe a couple of days.
But that sign doesn’ t come. You stare at your phone thinking maybe someone will answer or someone will text you asking if you’re okay. You search endlessly for some reason to stay alive but you can’t find any.
That is probably the most heartbreaking moment when you can’t find any reason to stay alive when you need it most because you suddenly feel all this pain and you feel more alone than you’ve ever felt in your entire life.
That moment will break you and I don’t wish it on even my worst enemies.
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dying would be so peaceful. no more loneliness. no more pain. no more hurting. no more isolation. no more exhaustion. no more stress. anxiety. fear. abandonment. expectations. guilt. deadlines. pretending. tears.
no more trying to be someone im not.
no more hurting other people.
no more excuses.
No more me.
.
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At what point do I just block somebody? I mean. They’re not doing anything wrong.. per se.. I just don’t enjoy talking to them and to be honest the difference in age is royally throwing me off. I know people preach about using the block button even if you don’t have a “good” reason, but it’s making me feel like an asshole.
I mean I’ve tried to drop hints (subtle, and maybe uh. Not so subtle) that I’m uncomfy but I don’t know if they got the message or if they’re choosing to just ignore it. Ugh. I mean they’re just gonna message me on their alt account anyway so what’s even the point 😭
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i’ll love you like a dog and you’ll betray me like a man
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Idk I don’t think I have existed yet this year
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If he leaves I’ll be truly alone
No friends
Little to no family
No him
Just me.
And soon, there won’t be a me either.
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oh my god i’m spiraling so bad make it stop before i do something i’ll regret please make it stop i don’t want it to get worse again i was doing so well i swear please it has to stop it isn’t fair i don’t want to hurt my head hurts so bad my eyes are achey i don’t want this please end it i can’t start over i just can’t i won’t make it back to this point i can’t do it again please you don’t understand i swear i was getting better i can’t go back i won’t make it back please please let me stay i don’t want to hurt anymore please i can’t you don’t understand i can’t do it again i won’t do it again please stop i can’t
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fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck why did I think I was allowed to be happy why the fuck did I ever think it was going to be okay I know it won’t be but I always get my stupid hopes up
this time I have nobody to blame but myself he’s gonna leave me and it’s all my fault he probably hates me now why am I so stupid and selfish I could have just been honest with him months ago but noooo I tried to hide it and now he knows and probably thinks I’m a disgusting fucking pig I’m just a freak that he wants nothing to do with
what am I supposed to do I gave up so much for him I don’t think I’ll be able to come back if he ditches me I promised myself I’d never let anyone get that close to me ever again and look what happened he got too close and now everything’s falling apart
I’ve been putting it off too long if this doesn’t resolve this may be my last post idk if I have a reason to stay here anymore idk if there’s any purpose to my existence there’s no point in carrying on if it’s all in agony
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id take an “i love you” or an “im so proud of you” as a birthday present btw.
that’s all i really want anyway.
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happy happy birthday to me.
never expected to make it to 19.. and i think it shows.
no plans for the future. no idea what im doing with my life. no idea where im going.
no idea who i am.
wonder if ill ever make it to 20.
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I’ve been so stressed that I haven’t had my period since November. It’s February 19th.
I’ve been so stressed that I’ve been breaking out in hives at any new introduction of stress in my life. So at least twice a month.
I’ve been so stressed that my hair is falling out. I have bald patches.
I’ve been so stressed that I either need to sleep for 15 hours minimum. Or I cannot sleep more than 2 hours. There is no in between.
I’ve been so stressed that my body will start shaking periodically. It starts with my knees. Then my thighs. My stomach quivers. Then my hands. I even feel it in my shoulders.
I’ve been so stressed that I wake up at the same time every night. 4:00am. Every. Single. Night. Out of sheer habit. Because I always needed time to wake up before I was needed at 4:30.
I’ve been so stressed that my migraines come more frequently. I was doing so well managing them…
I’ve been so stressed that I can only look forward to going back to sleep after I wake up each day.
Need I go on?
I did not realize how bad it had gotten until I got away. I left. 9 1/2 hours away from the mess. The chaos. The hurt. The pain. The grief.
It took 4 days of being away for me to finally feel my shoulders relax. 4 days to notice my hair wasn’t coming out in clumps in the shower. 4 days to get my period again. 4 days to not wake up at 4:00am. 4 days for my hives to go away.
But now, that’s over. I have to return. These 4 days were lovely. Im trying to remember this surreal feeling while it’s still here.
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So tired of counting down the days, hours, seconds until the inevitable.
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I’m so sorry, my sweet boy. You deserved better. And I couldn’t be better for you. I hope you can forgive me some day. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you in the way you needed me to. I just hope you’re comfy, sweet boy.
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