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Six of Crows as stuff I've heard at School:

Jesper: Yeah, I kind of quit being good at school.

Nina: You can take a picture of me; I'm fabulous!

Matthias: I died. It was really fun.

Kaz to Jesper: I'm not your friend. You just keep talking to me!

Kaz: (It numbs pain) Then put it on my soul!

That's all I can think of right now.

#six of crows #kaz brekker #jesper fahey #nina zenik #part one

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Van Eck: I have kidnapped Inej, and unless you give me Kuwei Yul-Bo, I'm not giving her back.

Kaz: I have kidnapped your pregnant wife, and unless you give me Inej, I'm not giving her back.

Van Eck: *enraged stammering*

#kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kaz and inej #kanej #van eck #jan van eck #kuwei yul bo #six of crows #crooked kingdom #the bastard of the barrel #the wraith

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Bruce: What I really want — honestly, Dick — is for you to know it so you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.

Dick: Oh, okay…

Bruce: What?

Dick: It’s whoever, not whomever.

Bruce: No, it’s whomever…

Dick: No…whomever is never actually right.

Barbara: Well, sometimes it’s right.

Stephanie: Dick is right. It’s a made-up word used to trick students.

Duke: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.

Cassandra: Obviously, it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly.

Dick: (to the camera): Not a native speaker.

Tim: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say because you’re all jerks who keep waking me up for absolute bullshit.

Bruce: Do you really know which one is correct?

Tim: I don’t know.

Jason: It’s whom when it’s the object of the sentence and who when it’s the subject.

Tim: That sounds right.

Damian: Well, it sounds right, but is it?

Stephanie: How did Bruce use it, as an object?

Bruce: As an object…

Dick: Bruce used me as an object.

Stephanie: Is he right about that?

Tim: How did he use it again?

Jason: It was…Bruce wanted Dick, the subject, to, uh explain the case, the subject–

Barbara: Yes!

Jason –to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object…which is the correct usage of the word.

Bruce: No one asked you anything, ever, so whomever’s name is Jason, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull?

#batfamily memes #damian wayne #dick grayson #barbara gordon #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #duke thomas #tim drake #jason todd #bruce wayne

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This needs more love pls

I genuinely love how most of the batfamily fandom does not give a fuck about canon. I just think it’s so hilarious.

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Not My Usual Post:

Normally this is all just abandoned fanfiction and memes, but today I have a question. I didn't feel like making a quora account, so hopefully someone here can help me.

Recently one of my best friends went on her first date. Her mother came, too. With a friend she'd invited along for fun.

She found a table not far away and then they sat there watching them and taking pictures.

My friend doesn't see anything wrong with thia and just laughs it off, but it's been a while since her mom had boundaries.

I think she's just used to her and thinks what her mom does is okay. I'm not saying she really abuses her kids, or that I here stuff like this often, but when I do, I'm always shocked at the lack of awareness my friend has that this is a problem.

I want to confront her mom about it, considering that my friend will never. (Even if something does upset her, she's normally to shy to tell her parents.)

What should I do?

#questions #no boundaries #my friends #parents #momswithcameras #first date #spying

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Percy: *beginning to think that his life might get better*

Apollo: Hi, Percy.

Percy: NOO! NO, GODS! NO, GODS, PLEASE NO!!! NO! NO! NOOOOO!!!!

#percy jackson #the office #apollo #the trials of apollo

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The Funeral

Damian: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.

Bruce: I have a lot of work to do.

Damian: Well, I’m sorry to inconvenience you, Father. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. You killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.

Jason: But…

Damian: No, no, no! That’s enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dick] Find a box for him.

Dick: Did I wake up this morning thinking I’d be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.

Tim: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking “I’m a little too old for this.” And I was five.

#jason todd #bruce wayne #batfamily #damian wayne incorrect quotes #damian wayne #dick grayson and damian wayne #dick grayson #tim drake

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Sometimes I unlile things and then like them again so that I can see them at the top of my list.

Theater Theme Villain? Theater Theme Villain!

Nightwing: Step away from the bomb.

Red Hood: This little thing? I'd hardly call this a bomb. This is just to trigger the packs of thermals over there in the warehouse. Those are bombs. Those human garbage are gonna-

Nightwing, to his comm: In the warehouse, quick!

Red Hood, grabs Nightwing: I’M NOT DONE YET.

Nightwing: It’s not your crazy musical, Hood! Cut it off!

Red Hood, grins: All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

Nightwing: We’ll hold a theater night for you, NOW SHUT UP!

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Bruce: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our family today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better… than… here. And none of can say “Boo” because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there’s somebody I’d like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I’m prison Bruce! You know why they call me prison Bruce?!

Damian: Do you really expect us to believe you’re somebody else?

Bruce: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [Costumed Freak Club protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that’s just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody’s bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Tim] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don’t drop the soap! Don’t drop the soap!

Tim: Bruce, please. [Bruce makes kissing noises]

Duke: Where… did you learn all of this?

Bruce: Internet.

Jason: So, not prison.

Bruce: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I’m saying. It’s not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jason: What’d you do, Prison Bruce?

Bruce: I stole. … And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the… president’s son. And held him for ransom.

Jason: That is… quite the rap sheet, Prison Bruce.

Bruce: And I nevah got caught, neither.

Jason: Well, you’re… in… prison, but, mmhmm.

Dick: Prison Bruce? What was the food like in prison?

Bruce: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

Stephanie: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.

Bruce: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Stephanie. Tanks.

Tim: Prison Bruce? What’s the very very worst thing about prison?

Barbara: Don’t encourage him, Tim.

Bruce: The worst thing about prison was the… was the Dementors. They… were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they’d come down, and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!

Jason: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?

Bruce: No, not Harry Potter. … There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who… have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody’s bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Bruce, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. ‘Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn’t sound so great, does it?

Dick: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.

Jason: Yeah, that… wasn’t really… at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I’ve seen on television. But it didn’t remind me of my time in prison.

Bruce: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]

Dick: Okay, B-man. Come on. Let us out.

Bruce: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it’s like to have freedom. And if this doesn’t bother them, then I am out of ideas.

#batfamily #bruce wayne #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #barbara gordon #stephanie brown #duke thomas #prison mike #dick grayson #batfamily incorrect quotes #the office

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Dick and Damian as The Office

Dick: He’s in a box?

Bruce: Dick, he’s in a box. He’s downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I’m serious. Go down there and work your magic.

Dick: Today, I, Dick Grayson, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.

Damian Diversifying. Smart.

Dick: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they’d throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.

Damian:And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People’d obey the law, there’d be less troublemakers.

Dick: Maybe.

Teacher: So, Damian… I met your dad a couple times. He’s so nice.

Damian: Who? Grayson?

Teacher: Mmhmm.

Damian: That man is not my father. That is my oldest brother.

Dick: It’s just good to stop a Damian train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

Damian: Where are we going?

Dick: Come on, get inside.

Damian: Where are we going?

Dick: We’re going to Chuck E. Cheese.

Jason: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I’m so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.

Dick: We’re going to the hospital, Jason.

Jason:I know, just sayin’.

Dick: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Damian for him to file a grievance against Tim. I tell him that I’m sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.

Damian: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.

Dick: Actually, I have a separate folder for against Damian. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder]

#dick grayson #damian wayne #dick and dami #the office

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Tim: Wait. What are you writing? Don’t write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? ‘Cause I’m suffering from both.

Jason: I’m inventing new diseases.

Tim: Oh, great.

Jason: So, let’s say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Tim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Jason: Nice.

Tim: Thank you.

#batfamily #tim drake #jason todd #the office

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The Batfamily Fire Drill

Alfred: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky?

Damian: Did you bring your jerky in again?

Alfred: [clears throat]

Cassandra: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!

Stephanie: What–

Duke: Whoa, fire!

Alfred: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?

Cassandra: The phones are dead.

Alfred: Oh, how did that happen?

Dick: It’s out in the hall.

Alfred: No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.

Bruce: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.

Alfred: What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure?

Bruce: Stay [bleep] calm!

Alfred: Wait, wait, wait.

Bruce: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!

Alfred: No! No, Master Bruce! No! Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.

Bruce: What does warm mean?

Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God.

Alfred: Not a viable option.

Cassandra: Try a different door.

Alfred: Okay, what’s next?

Bruce: Don’t run.

Alfred: Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle?

Stephanie: It– it’s warm.

Alfred: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]

Barbara: Back door.

Alfred: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!

Stephanie: Oh! I forgot my purse.

Tim: Leave it woman!

Bruce: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!

Alfred: Things can be replaced, Miss Stephanie! People, human lives, however, can…

Duke: Ah! My hand! That’s hot!

Bruce: Aah! This ones hot too!

Damian: Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself.

Alfred: Okay, let’s go.

Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way!

Alfred: Calm, please

Damian: Get out of the way!

Alfred: Have you ever seen a burn victim?

Jason: Move it!

Alfred: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth?

Damian: [pulling Alfred the cat out of filing drawer] It’s okay. Shh shhh.

Alfred: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.

Damian: Cain.

Dwight: What’s next?

Damian: Cain!

Cassandra: Stay alive! I’m getting help!

Damian: Pull me up!

Cassandra: You’re too heavy!

Damian: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh– save Alfred! [throws Alfred the cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!

Alfred: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Damian throws a chair at the window, Jason smashes through a weapon case and begins to grab guns, everyone is shouting.]

Duke: What do we do?

Alfred: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.

Barbara: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Alfred lights some fire crackers and they start popping]

Duke: What is that? What is that?

Tim: The fire’s shooting at us!

Duke: What in the name of God is going on?!

Damian: Yes! [Bruce pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!

Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Cassandra’s leg crashes through the ceiling]

Dick: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Barbara and Jason ram the door with the copy machine]

Bruce: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!

Tim: I’m about to die!

Alfred: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Costumed Freak Club! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.

Dick: What?!

Alfred: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Cassandra drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Tim falls to the floor] Oh come on. It’s not real Master Timothy. Don’t pass out.

(My friend insisted that I use Alfred for Dwight's part, because: "no one listens to him".)

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The Mortal Instruments Fire Drill

Jace: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky? Magnus: Did you bring your jerky in again? Jace: [clears throat] Clary: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God! Isabelle: What– Simon: Whoa, fire! Jace: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people? Clary: The phones are dead. Clary: Oh, how did that happen? Maryse: It’s out in the hall. Jace: No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct. Alec: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm. Jace: What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure? Alec: Stay [bleep] calm!

Jace: Wait, wait, wait. Alec: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down! Jace: No! No, Alec! No! Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. Alec: What does warm mean? Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God. Jace: Not a viable option. Clary: Try a different door. Jace: Okay, what’s next? Alec: Don’t run. Jace: Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle? Simon: It– it’s warm. Jace: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once] Maia: Back door. Jace: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No pushing! Isabelle: Oh! I forgot my purse. Robert: Leave it woman! Alec: Get out of the way! Go, go, go! Jace: Things can be replaced, Isabelle! People, human lives, however, can… Raphael: Ah! My hand! That’s hot! Simon: Aah! This ones hot too! Alec: Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself. Jace: Okay, let’s go. Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way! Jace: Calm, please Simon: Get out of the way! Jace: Have you ever seen a burn victim? Simon: Move it! Jace: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth?   Magnus: [pulling Chairman Meow out of filing drawer] It’s okay. Shh shhh. Jace: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people. Magnus: Raphael. Dwight: What’s next? Magnus: Raphael! Raphael: Stay alive! I’m getting help!

Magnus: Pull me up!

Raphael: You’re too heavy! Magnus: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh– save Chairman Meow![throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh! Jace: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Alec throws a chair at the window, Maryse smashes a chair through a glass case and begins to grab seraph blades, everyone is shouting.] Clary: What do we do? Jace: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Maia: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Jace lights some fire crackers and they start popping] Magnus: What is that? What is that? Simon The fire’s shooting at us! Isabelle: What in the name of the Angel is going on?! Simon: Yes! [Jace pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram! Isabelle and Jordon: Ahhhh!!! [Raphael ’s leg crashes through the ceiling] Simon: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Simon and Maia ram the door with the copy machine] Alec: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!Robert: I’m about to die! Jace: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Shadowhunters of the New York Institute! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation. Maia: What?! Jace: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Raphael drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Robert falls to the floor] Oh come on. It’s not real, Dad. Don’t have a heart attack.

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this is so upsetting, PLEASE rb to spread awareness

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Batfamily as the Office

Bruce: “And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.” 

Alfred: “I am a black belt in gift wrapping.”

Jason: “People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”

Dick: “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”

Damian: “In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.”

Stephanie: “Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”

Tim: (Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?) “Dwight, you ignorant slut!”

Cassandra: “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

Selina: “Occasionally I’ll hit someone with my car. So sue me.” 

Barbara: “I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.”

Duke: “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”

(None of us could handle Dick's undivided attention. He has too much love to give!)

#batfamily as the office quotes #batfamily incorrect quotes #batfamily #batfam #bruce Wayne #damian Wayne #Cassandra Cain #tim drake #barbara gordon #alfred pennyworth #jason todd #dick grayson #stephanie brown #duke thomas #Selina kyle

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Bruce: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? Jason: No, Bruce. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. Bruce: No, that’s not part of it. Jason: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? Dick: I would want to live with no legs. Jason: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Dick. You don’t do anything. Bruce: All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute . Jason: okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? Dick: How’s that gonna help you? Jason: I will divide and then count to it.

Bruce: Yeah, okay. You didn’t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him. Damian: Okay, he’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Brown? Stephanie: I have no idea. Damian: Anyone else? Dick: We bury him? Damian: Wrong. Tt. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. Jason: He has no wallet, I checked. Cassandra: He is an organ donor. Damian He is. Cassandra: Yes. Damian: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go. Bruce: Oh my God! Damian! Dick: Damian Stephanie: What are you– [people are yelling] What are you doing? Damian: We search for the organs. Where’s the heart? The precious heart. Tim: I’m not feeling well. I need to sit down. Jason: Hey, Tim.

Bruce: Tim  Dick: Are you okay? Barbara: Oh my God! [Damian has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own] Tim: Oh my God! Bruce: Damian! Damian: Drake? Tim: Oh my God!

#batfamily incorrect quotes #Damian Wayne #Tim Drake #bruce wayne #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #Jason Todd #the office #the office stress relief #bat family cpr training

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Bruce: How could you possibly think this is a good idea? Damian: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Damian: Electricity. Damian: Shampoo. Bruce: You could have burned down the whole building. Damian: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Drake was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back home in a couple days. 

#the office quotes #the office #batfamily #Damian Wayne #Tim Drake #bruce wayne #batboys #batboys incorrect quotes #damian wayne incorrect quotes