4deathme

[4deathme]

There isn't a single word that could express the overwhelming happiness that I am experiencing right now.

Lonely nights to isolated and disturbed days, what a twisted stories that I go through on each one of my episodes.

Sad events to horrifying tales with sprinkles of hope, courage & faith; and my mind & hearts speaks to me by telling me "yes, you can Danny, of course, you can, mate".

Yes, indeed! I can, and I will, no matter what the unavoidable destiny has to offer me, imma put my head up, and sing along the underrated, unappreciated songs that could be only heard by the purest soul.

Noona, you're the best! I miss you alot. Your one of the most amazing & certainly the most talented, poetic, & realistic soul that came across my path. I appreciate you alot what you've done for me.

Thank you for always being there for me, your advice is always engraved in my heart.

I will definitely show you my best side by proving that; the most dejected, pessimistic & suicidal boy is on his way to the peak, no matter how slippery the mountain is gonna be. 💙

What a lovely, cold night.

19th September, Monday.

Time - 11:09 pm

[4deathme]

"sano ujyalo ko kiran ma khusi huney ma junnkiri"

"kaha paunu tyo nyano pariwar ko maya sayad vagya ma aaftyaro lekeheko"

-my fav line from my song lol 🥺🥹

[4deathme]

You have finally freed me from the guilt that was chained deep down in my heart. I now believe that stars are finally starting to work out for me. When you said that you actually worried about me if I was still ok(alive) or not, what has happened to me outta sudden, those words truly beautiful than the other magic words. I accept her friendship, I thank her for making me her one of the oldie friend once again.

It is true, that I have changed the way I used to think in the past and the way I used to behave, not because I am isolated in a zone, but bcus I've started to realize all of my wrong doings, and how I only used to think how bad my life was. Life is truly beautiful when you realize that you really have to forget things and make amends, if ever you have hurted anyone whom you or they used to love you.

It's 12:51 am in the morning, it's still raining. Those rain droplets asking me "Danny are you feeling sleepy?" And I respond, "yes, I am but I have my responsibility to fulfill". Yes, indeed, metaphorically, those rain droplets, those rainstorm, those thunderstorm, lightings comes in our way every now and then in our life stages, so how are we going to deal it? Are we simply gonna get wet with tears and soak in those cold and wet water? Or are we gonna hope for the sun to rise and dry our tears, our sweats and than give you the warmest rays of love & care?

I feel so good right now when I think about this.

I especially like to thank my friend Miss Sanity, the funniest one still the way she talks, lol. The way she makes accent when she speaks English, I get amused, and honestly it's funny too haha.

Forgiveness is truly a blessing and the one who forgives the other one whom have caused you a harm in the past, yet, they blast the past and still forgives the other one is one of the most sincere and most beautiful dignity of karma they hold.

And don't worry, we shall always meet in the other world, in the other parallel universe that still exists.

Believe that!

P.S yours truly

Danny

[4deathme]

My grungy music days.

[4deathme]

Rose Petal on Chess board

It’1:23am in Tuesday morning, 26th of October, here at office. I see that it’s been almost 3 months since I haven’t wrote any journal about my life. I really didn’t had any idea what to write about ever since my life events turned upside down, and it really felt like all hell was on loose. *EDITED* 

I wrote all this last week but i wasn’t able to complete it or post it as i got carried away with works. 

Right now it’s 4:34am of 4th of November, Thursday. 

It has almost been like 5 months since we broke up and still i feel like it was just yesterday. Sometimes, i still feel like our relationship is still on and she’s just waiting for my text or my calls (Perhaps in some Parallel universe)

The nature of this world is quite too metaphorical, and complicated, everything seems to have a positive and negative energy. Such as Love; it’s just like a Rose with thorns, see how beautiful the  flower rose looks like, that amazing nature of the smell but once plucked from its roots, and those beauty and affects only lasts for sometime and then after it looses its originality, its functions, its nature, its pride, everything. Once the flower Rose turns into Red to Black, all is left is that dry Petal loosing its all emotions.

Likewise, the two hearts and souls symbolize like the flower Rose; one heart is like a flower and the other one is the one who take cares of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4:36 am in the morning, a cold atmosphere filled with stars, few vehicles passing by, a deserted road that leads to emptiness. Anyways, so for the past few days, i have been late at work, with no proper meal. Ahh, fuck, idk why i can’t eat so much, I'm so lazy to cook and lazy to eat as well. I wish to have a good physic so i could cover my body with tats lol. Hmm, prolly i might look good. Yeah, whatever, doesn’t matter none. At the end of the day, money matters the most in this cold fucking city.  Last week, me and my office Vai went to ‘Tareyveer’ to buy some weed, after returning back, due to his mom phone call, he got distracted and then we fell badly from the Scooter. Ah fuck, my fav Down jacket got bit scratched bcus of that lol haha why am i not being thankful that at least i didn't break any bones. Yeah we both just had some bruises but it was all fine, but later on my leg started feeling heavy and painful, i couldn’t walk properly. It was prolly Wednesday morning when we got in accident, so including 3 working days and weekend, I slept non stop for like a 5 days, with no proper meal. It was too painful for me to even go outside to buy smoke, but eventually i did. It almost seemed like i need smoke n herbs more than the food itself. Thankfully, on Monday morning my leg and body recovered.  Right now in the office, my colleagues are playing cards lol i was playing too but yeah I'm not that good gambler and yeah I'm not interested gambling too. Yuno why? Ironically, I have been gambling throughout my whole life haha, yeah, that’s so true. All this fucking years, i believed i too had a queen by myside but i see that i was just a pawn in the chess. I couldn’t control any of my moves, i was just being moved, i was being controlled, and hypnotized by the charms of the human beings. 

Wow, i was just thinking what Title should i come up with, and as going thru the passage, and dissecting two different paragraph from two different days. ‘Rose Petal on the Chess Board’  Can you understand the metaphor behind this? 

We wrapping up now, time to go.

                                                        TO BE CONTINUED 

[4deathme]

No Vacation - August “Never thought I'd be feeling so all alone :(

Truth, is I missed those summer days” 

#sad #august #novacation #bedroompop #dreampop

[4deathme]

Ok, let me start off by saying this, actually i had began writing journal starting from 1:23am and i had already wrote more than 6 paragraphs of the journal from the month of July despair. I have to write again now starting over again. What a pain in ass.

Alrighty, right now its 2:39am as i am writing these sentence.

It was July 22nd, Thursday, around 5:20pm i texted her long texts asking for forgiveness, acknowledging my mistakes. After lots of texts she finally responded to me at 6:14pm. She wrote a long text too explaining that i had hurt a lot and as she was trying to deal with her past trauma and was tryna fix herself too. She said that she need some time as she's overwhelmed by the current negative situations. She said that she had cried enough for the day. Although she said that she forgave me but also reminded me that i wasn't getting the same version of her like before.

I felt bad but i could understand because the amount of pressure i was giving to her weeks ago. Anyways, we were having good conversation after that, she was tryna lift me up by saying that i need to move on forward and then have a proper meal and sleep. She still cared about this stupid boy after all. She said that she’ll be forgiving me under one condition, and the condition was for my own benefit. I had to get better from the depressing state i was living in. She cared bout it still, yet fool like me always wanted more than anything. She texted me till 1:34am and then i got no response, she might have fallen asleep but yet i dared to call her twice.

Following the next day 23rd July Friday, I wished her in the morning and she responded at 11:23pm, our conversation was casual, she was getting ready to go out to her fam’s cafe to help her brothers out as she does every Fridays and Saturdays. After textin her ‘yello’ around 5:40ish, I just simply waited for her texts. She replied to me at 7:20pm something like that. She replied that her day was quit boring when i asked how her day went.

I reminded her that she was gonna call me tonight, which she declined by saying that she only said that she might. I was quite sad to heard that but i knew i could do nothin. If only that i night i wouldn’t have been drinking things would have gone in right direction. But as you know careless stupid drunkard never learns his lesson.  

From 8-9pm we were both talkin about this and that about my current health and situation and at 9:46pm I texted her if i could ask her something, she said ok but then again i hesitated to ask her, she asked me what was it but then i just dismissed it by saying ‘it was nothing’ and her last hands on a face emoji. (The thing i wanted to ask her was, if i could get a one last chance to resolve broken love of the tales of Yuno and Yuki. I just wanted her back, i wanted to tell her so much that, never had i ever missed her voice, her laugh, her smile, her everything. It felt like i was in drugged into love.  

And then it happened, around 11:38pm i started to annoy her more by texting and calling her.. little did i knew that she was actually sleeping and i was pissing her off. The thoughts of day labor at her fam’s restro didn’t seemed to occurred to me at that time, if it had came across my mind i would have thought about it lot but i just simply forgot it. She then responded furiously telling me how i could not think bout that she was sleeping. And idk why the fuck i started to babble about my feelings. Instead of apologizing and just wishin her goodnight i kept on babbling about my feelings and heart. She voice texted me too, and she sound genuinely pissed off. Yet to make things even more worse i started to talk about that my love was never fake and shit, and telling her that i was ready to meet her parents and marry her. Fuckin stupid ass drunkard me i hate myself for my own mistakes. That was the only time that i could have ever repent from my wrong doings but again no, fuckin miserable chap like me never gets his lessons.

Yah she got mad, she told me that i never understand my lessons and that i had just ruined her sleep. She told me to stop talking and let her sleep and that she was losing her mind bcus of me, yah that was the last text i received that night at 11:57pm. While me i just texted her until it was 4:56am in the morning and then finally im sorruuu text around 7am before going to sleep.

That was it after that. When i woke up in the evening and went thru my phone to check if i got any texts but then i saw that she had blocked me. It was quite like living in despair. It was not her fault at all, it was mine shit. I couldn’t fukcin handle myself. I was losing myself. I was numb. I was depressed. She was the only hope, the only light i felt while i was into the darkness and yet i fuckin blew it up in 2 single fucking night.

Wondering alone at the night in the street, reality and dreams steal my feelings and everything seems to have ended when it just begins. I'm in the abyss and she can’t see me. Should I let go and forget the past? I feel like I'm falling and the night is more darker than before. I feel so exhausted.

Current time before post : 3:49am

TO BE CONTINUED  

#the future diary #yuno gasai #dawn #lonely cursed heartbroken #sad #despair #yukiteru amano

[4deathme]

Idk what just happened between this 3 months, i've not been able to cope with reality at the present time.

Bad things had been following me up these past months, i just wished if i could just turn back in time and redeem from those negative aspects i carried out.

The thing is on May 31'st around 11:30 i had missed lots of missed calls from my cousin and from my sister, as i had passed out smoking weed.

When i woke up around 11:30'sh or 12 i went to bathroom, and later on when i checked my phone i saw lots of calls.

Immediately, my thoughts went to my father. I knew that it was about my Father, i was really scared to call back as i knew that something bad had happened.

My cousin called me back and as i recieved the call,he with sad voice told me that my Dad had passed away. At that moment i was comepletly numbed by thoughts. This was the thing i scared the most and it just happened.

I had not seen him fro more than 5 months, although we stay in the same city, i was living on my own. I felt guilty that throughout the years in my life, i only cared bout myself, i was never able to help him back with all those dreams and hope from me.

I just feel so guiltg that i did not meet him for sucha long time and i only called few times while living on my own.

I called my Yuno(my:( gf) i cried alot on video calli told how alone i suddenly felt. Her eyes were watery too bcus the way i shed my tears ;( now i had nobody else but her.

But only after few weeks, she was already on distance. She barely called or texted me. She always used to call me and text me but i guess bcus of she got annoyed with me idk.

I love her idk when i was drunk i called her and asked for something n she denied. So.i got pissed off and then i told her to fuck off. I know it was my mistake then se got hurt cus of me and she said she wasnt comig back on social media.

I was angry too so i didnt say anything. I thought after few days things will be okay.but when i called back then she said that she wants to end our relationship.

She said that it was time to put an end to the story of "Yuno Gassai and Yukki"

I thought she was just playing with me and thought she said that bcus she was angry with me. But she really did mean it.

I was miissing her so much and she chose to let me go in the abyss. One night i was so drunk and called her so many times in t midnight. I did not had balance on my ohone so i miss called her so many times. She didnt responded to my calls at all.

In the morning when i came back to room and checked her ig she had shared some music.. it was during that time when i had called her so many times and she was just too buay posting stories on ber ig.. it really pissed me off, so i reacted with haha emoji and puke emoji and went back to sleep.

When i woke up and checked my phone she had texted me on ig saying that i was too toxic and bcus of my behavior i ven blew the chance of staying as friends.

She said those words and then blocked me:(

I know it was my fault but i just want to resolve things between us. I always wanted to say her that " i love you Yuno, always, even though you feel so insecured bcus of me, i always wanted to hug you tightly the day we meet and then kiss on your forehead"

I feel so bad bcus at the end i feel like it was my fault. Perhaps death and dark loneliness always seem to be my only friend.

Sometimes i just dont want to live anymore at all. I am going through so many different things, i am always overwhelmed by the sad and dark emotions.

And yet she dared to leave me in such disaster time.

to be continued...

[4deathme]

I would like to be yours :) 

#asian #interestingboy #cuteboy #haha #chinese #korean #japanese #seoul #mongolian #igboy #insta

[4deathme]

Motherspaceship

It’s 5:39am here in Kathmandu, Nepal, me and few of my team we’re still dialing for some PST zone campaign like in California. The music that’s been playing on the background right now is ‘Steal my heart away by The Paper Kites’, and of course i put that indie folk music. One of my friend sitting beside to me always complains (Jokingly)that I put on music that’s completely alien to them, because i play music like from different bedroom pop artist, or indie rock or Hip-hop music. And i answer him back by saying that ‘it’s him who’s unaware of that music, not that i put different music, and it’s obviously about the music taste as well’. They always mainstream music or some Nepali music which i really don’t like haha.. Seriously, they say that I was only born in Nepal, but listen completely different music from many different countries, but hardly listens to Nepali, which  agree with them. It’s not that i don’t like Nepali music, i do, but not the pop music or stupid songs. 

Anyways, today was the last day of the third week of the month, now we got one more week to go along with 3 more working days, and then we’re done for the month of March. It always feels like time is running in a speed of light while working in night shift in Call center. I’m just sometime scared that I don’t want to have a regret someday like i just did nothing so progressive in my career or lets say in my life that helped to be by myself or as reborn as a new person.. idk wtf that even means.. 

But, seriously dude, i do enjoy working on the platform where it’s carefree zone, where the pressure i feel comes within myself, as i have my own target and want to exceed it. Since my past jobs in many different companies, i have always been rebellious, you know. I am hard working, or let’s say I’m fucking trying my best, and even with that if the CEO’s or the Manager’s gets in my nerves, pressurizing on the basis of my performances, i have a habit of firing back whatever the fuck when they tries to question me on my performance.  Even though when i was at the position of Team leader or Project Manager, when i had to lead my team and come up with good results, if there were to be injustice to the employee, whether, be the raise on the salary, or firing them or this or that, i used to stood for them.. blah blah blah fuck all of these stuff. I really hate selfish, and mean companies who only think about their own profit and their own growth. All of these fucking mature people just try to take an advantage of teens. I’ve seen that, I’ve been there, i went though lotta bullshit throughout my life. 

 I have lots of story to tell, the only reason, I’m writing this blogs is that i wont be losing it ever, bcus on the paper on diary , it can get lost, but here, i can restore all of my memories and events. Should i just keep all of the blogs to myself, or share with some of my friends idk, i don’t want anyone to have a sympathy on me bcus they just be like “oh poor, boy, he went through this and that, how sad’ and the next couple of days or weeks, they don’t really give a fuck a bout you. It’s all good bcus i don’t give a fuck about them too. 

Ok, ok i’m cursing a lot today haha, sorry for that, anyways, after 10 or 20 mins imm outta here and go watch some anime or some space news aliens stuff oou man i’m really into that. I wish how Aliens shows up on Huge mother spaceship and fucking invade our planet like it’s fucking movie. Imagine that, no more working, no more sadness, depression, love , hate whatever, we would only think about how to avoid thos mf and stay alive. Hmmm sounds so , fantastical Sci-fi  right? haha yeah i know. Don’t think i just watched World War Z ok haha. 

Lol, anyways i was already done dialing but i remembered i had to call back on some Mexican restro, and did all back on Cali, and got an app for Tuesday, but the reason that i’m amused is the owner that spoke with was quite charming and chil guy who had bit hard understanding in English, and was saying that he was gonna be busy or he’s not being able to follow me up in the converstation, but anyways, i did tried my best to make him understand about our campaign, hope the recording is well qualified and will go though the Dashboard, haha. 

Ok i’m done for now, i’ll be leaving anytime soon, and once i reach home, i’ll be drinking some coffee, and for the breakfast maybe Sausage roll from the cafe that’ nearby. And watch some weird fucking shit on Netflix or on Youtube, or anime. We’ll see about that one.

SO YEAHH!!! 

[4deathme]

Am I selfish? Why are we so selfish?

I don’t know why I feel sad tonight, I don’t find any reason to be sad or my mind just don’t understand why I feel sad but my heart is telling me different thing. My heart really feel heavy right now :( 

I don’t always want talk about my sadness and depression, but to be honest I’m a bipolar. Out of sudden sometimes i get depressed, and i want to pour my heart out to someone, anyone who could be all ears to listen. Though they might not understand my true feelings, I always want to tell them that, although I am not a perfect guy, like i do have bad habits, i have short temper but I am really a sweet and honest guy (Maybe not so much lol) but idk how to tell about myself, ok, I’m just different. 

And, then suddenly, I have these feeling I can’t describe right now. Why am I only thinking about myself? Only babbling about my sadness or my happiness or my crazy thoughts? When the whole world at the corner is suffering from so many different things. Some in Myanmar are fighting for their freedom and the young teens coming out for the peaceful protest are being killed day by day, its so traumatizing not only to those deceased families but also to the unknown people like you and me. Let’s just think about it? Why are we still losing on this battlefield of Evil and Love? What is Love? What is pain? When will this sufferings end? Ok, you might think now, why am I thinking like this, as it’s none of my or your concern but just think about it, if we were supposed to be in similar situations like them. I’m sorry for talking stupid things that i don't understand too, but i wish all of us could lead a normal happy life. 

Why do we worship or pray to Gods? Is there a God that can understand your and mine heart? If there were Gods why do they love to see us human suffer? Why does there needs to be any kind of judgement? Why can’t God just pardon our sins and let us live in a peaceful order. Perhaps, the thoughts of Heaven and Hell is just an illusion. 

to be continued...... bcus i gotta work now.

#selfish world #illusion #evil #love #pain #heaven #hell #bipolar #gods

[4deathme]

Mind like a water

Today, I’m late at work, I couldn’t wake up as I was in deep sleep. I woke up around 11pm. After I was ready to go, at the street there was a food stall, i had dumplings, and sausage and fried potato. After that, i took a ride in Pathao(Like Uber but in bike). Paid him around Rs320 once i reached the office. Just after making a few calls i made two appointment for my manager(that’s what we do as a lead generator) in a short time. 

Though I have been working since past 3 or 4 years in this call center industry, i have always been lost in my thoughts, thinking what I should do with my life, how long would I be running this marathon of life; the thoughts of success and failure always gives me a chill in my nerves. I always reminisce about the things that had let me down, let it be on relationship, or family or status. Right now my friends are working and I’m just jotting down this crazy stuff that been flowing through my mind and heart. 

I do apologize that the content that I’m writing is in disorder, my thoughts are just like a wind, it just blows to the every direction. Sometimes when i write, there might be no beginning, and there might not be any conclusion. Perhaps, our mind and spiritual body is just like the river, flowing continuously, whether the volume be less like a spring water, channeling though the streams, and finally meeting at the end point of the ocean. The ideas of pain, happiness, sadness, depression is similar to those flowing water. We suffer little less or more, we find happiness in small things and huge achievements or whatsoever. 

Back to my work environment only few more campaigns are left to be closed and then we’re done for the day. My friends are discussing right now over some topic that I'm not aware of, since i am busy writing this stuff. Some are smoking, some are making coffee. Ok now I’ll go make coffee and smoke. Btw I’m smoking less these days as I'm at the verge of quitting it. 

Whoever finds this and read this, i hope you find your own path, since your lost, we all are lost at some point. There may never be light at the end of the tunnel, some of us are able to embrace the darkness. Darkness is not too bad, we just have to spark the light thought the light, and not just wait for that end of the tunnel.

#mind #ideas #sadness #happiness #suffering #thoughts #alone #easy come easy go #rockbottom

[4deathme]

A New Earth

Where will I end up in life is one of the toughest question one could answer. A lonely teen who’s struggling to shine on his own through the tunnel of the life. What does happiness mean to us these days? Posting a glamorous pictures, living up your life with adventurous events, that you share with friends and unknown people around the world? Letting your social media friends that you’re doing well with your life and is in the state of completely bliss? I think we are losing the meaning of bliss day by day because of the portal of the internet that we feed ourselves with both negative and positive attractions. The idea of realism is losing its nature as well. We add or follow on social media and then we try to communicate with the strangers, and then we exchange our personal data, we schedule for a date and then land up on bed. The very next day, we might either lose each other contact and forget like nothing happened between us, or we continue with the relation we had. We don’t know or act like we don’t know or don’t seem to care about our consequences anymore. Our perception toward each other has changed drastically as well. Though, everyone quote themselves “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” the mentality they still carry is none other than the person who judge people by their appearance or their status or their, past and the present. Perhaps this is the New Earth that we all are living in and slowly adapting its harsh nature of the truth. 

#newearth #thoughts #socialmedia #internet #teen thoughts #bipolar #doyoucare #solitary #insanity #am i alone here? #darktruth

[4deathme]

It's 3 am here in Kathmandu, Nepal, and I'm just working alongside with my colleagues. Today was a great start at work, I scored like 6app sales within a matter of 2 hours, from 10pm-12am, which was my best record so far to be able to do so. Right now I'm trying out more, now we only got one more campaign left, where only two manager schedule is available; for Colt and Steve. I love working in a environment where there's a good music playing on a background and cool colleagues to work with. I am also waiting for someone text on Facebook, hmm, the thoughts of being insecure and solitary is completely different that anyone could understand, obviously which goes out to the opposite person whom i mean.

Danny(Yalashine)

#solitary #thoughts #nightwork #callcenter #insecure #kathmandu #nepal #lonely

[4deathme]

It's 3:52 am here in Kathmandu, and I am still working(Call Center). It's 2nd week of the new month and i made 8 appointment sales last week, and i got like 6 app on the first day of the week. A good start to go ahead :)

#callcenter #telemarketer #lonelyme #depression #youngteen #teen struggles