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caribouwritings · 7 months

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Alright… let’s talk…

(Honestly, this post is mostly just an update on my life and why I’ve been off tumblr all year)

This is going to be a very long post with a lot of venting. No sugar coating it, no beating around the bush.

I’ve had some pretty messed up and awful things happen in my life, I don’t like talking about them openly. However, those things were spread out… this year SUCKED!

To explain where I’ve been, we have to start back in October when I stopped posting as much regularly.

I met a guy at work, we got along really great… but he just got out of an abusive relationship. Despite what I thought was an instant connection, he was wary of me and based on my own experience, I was guarded. We danced around this crush for weeks before our coworkers caught on and someone told him I’m single, someone told me he’s single, and we were exchanging numbers.

Despite dumping him and “wanting-nothing-to-do-with-him”, his ex continued to find reasons to message him or break into his home… so finding out he met someone, she was livid and somehow got both my number and my name. She was calling me and harassing me from an unknown number so I couldn’t even block her. When he found out, he ended up getting into a big fight with her and the ex disappeared, but it wasn’t over.

This guy and I started dating. We were happy and having fun learning all about each other, then my “friends” started cutting into the relationship and putting pressure on both of us. We weren’t even boyfriend/girlfriend yet and they were telling him to buy me stuff, give me flowers, take me places, and do things for me! If I told them to stop, they’d tell me they were just playing and to lighten up. In hindsight, I know I should of did better in stopping them, after all, it wasn’t fair to him to be harassed like that even if he said it didn’t bother him.

Things began falling apart in December. My (now ex) best friend invited me to a Christmas party. I don’t like parties, but she said he could come too. We went, he got a little drunk, she kept separating us to spend time with me, he got more drunk, I got overstimulated and annoyed, and I drove him home. Three days before Christmas, I get screenshots from his ex. He sent her drunk texts saying “I miss you, but I have a girlfriend now” and “I don’t feel happy anymore, I don’t have fun anymore”

What hurt worse a week before that, he told me I make him feel alive again and that he was falling in love with me. In less than a week, the same person who whispered he loved me told his ex he feels like nothing now that she’s gone.

I cried, vented to my friend, she comforted me, and then stabbed me in the back. I had told her not to bring it up because I wanted to talk to him and try to work this out. She told all our mutual friends and any coworker who would listen that he cheated on me right before Christmas, and guess who’s side they obviously took: mine.

I didn’t even get to talk to him before half the store knew some version of the story.

How he found out I knew was from one of his department coworkers—who has known me for years—basically going back there and asking him “what the f*ck is wrong with you?” and him getting an earful from the same people who helped push us together.

He was rightfully mad at me, but more so at my friend for sharing our business like that. We tried to get past it, but I was still hurt and I unintentionally made him very unliked employee.

I squashed the rumors, and people backed off.

His problems resolved. Mine didn’t.

I broke up with him. Deep down, I didn’t want to, but with everything happening I didn’t feel strong enough to keep going and he let me walk away saying I’m still his favorite coworker.

I cried for days, I was in love with him despite how much he hurt me.

A few weeks later I was informed the job I applied for in September was hiring again. I reapplied in January and got in, but it was going to be a long hiring process.

I still really liked my ex, it hurt seeing him, but we were still friends. My friends said it was very obvious he still cared for me, that there was a chance we could start again. He only came to me even if I had a line, he’d say hello to me, he’d make sure he said goodbye before leaving, he kept all my doodles, and I was delusional enough to believe them when they said that those were signs he still has feelings for me.

Except, he contacted his ex. The same person who abused him and harassed me multiple times was getting a second chance. It was Valentine’s Day and he told me I needed to forget him while I cried in the parking lot.

My friend dragged me out to the movies that night. I was heartbroken for this man all over again, and she was venting to me about how I was lucky since her crush doesn’t even notice her and that she’d give anything to have an one night stand with him. I just wanted to go home and she refused to let me go until we did something she could post on her Snap Story. She didn’t even care that you could see the tear marks on my face and posted a video of me acting happy and carefree in Target. I found out she posted it because she had my ex in her Snap friends and wanted him to see me “moving on”.

I was in hysterics crying when I finally drove home that I honestly shouldn’t have been driving.

I was in a very empty, sad state for weeks after that. I tried to pretend I was fine despite her telling everyone who’d listen that I was moping over a man who drunk texted his ex. The only thing I cared about at that point was getting my paperwork together to start my new job in March.

I barely spoke to my now ex, but the night before I started my new job, I got a bunch of texts from his phone. His now-girlfriend-again stole his phone and was texting me things like “you’re a f*cking slut” “crazy c*nt” “never talk to me again you stupid b*tch”.

She blocked on everything and I was laying in bed half asleep and extremely confused what happened when he called me on her phone. He to get us to clear things up, but all it was was her accusing him of cheating and her demanding me to explain myself. The last time I saw him outside of work was January and the only interaction we had that day was when he was when he came through my line to buy his lunch. It all gets straightened out (sort of) that he never was cheating and I’m just his friend/coworker, but I have to stay blocked. Even though I understand, I cry myself to sleep because I don’t know what happened and why it happened like that (I still don’t).

I start my new job, and it’s a month of online classes and training.

I was working three jobs by the end of March.

I’m sad, I’m stressed, I’m overworked.

It is the end of April, and my friend insists we go to the movies together to hang out. I agree to meet up at the theater after I get out of my very long day of working one job in the morning and another in the afternoon. Just as I’m about to drive half a hour to the theater, she cancels on me because she made other plans with other friends, but she says can hang out after nine o’clock.

I have work in the morning and I have a midnight curfew. When I try to tell her I can’t hang out that late at night, she doesn’t answer, so I drive home. Five minutes before the movie is suppose to start, she texts me suddenly able go with me again. At this point, I’m now home and not anywheres near close to being ready to go out and the theater is over half a hour away. She gets mad at me and accuses me of not making time for her anymore.

I hit my breaking point and our friendship starts dying from this point onward.

At the end of May—right before my birthday—I had a minor procedure done to help with my headaches. Nothing major, but I had to get my head cut open and stitches on the back of my head. I worried it was cancer—luckily it wasn’t—but I didn’t feel safe telling anyone considering how things went down the last time I shared what was happening in my life.

I dropped one of my jobs temporarily to focus on the new job and the summer job. Despite my manager position at the summer job, my supervisor had retired and the new supervisor didn’t really treat me as a manager. I had been there for nine years and for some reason my only use was training new employees. All my previous responsibilities were taken away and I would work eight hour long shifts outside in a hot shack with a janky desk fan doing nothing but reading books if I wasn’t showing a new sixteen year old how the cash register worked.

I put in my two weeks notice in June and was gone by July. The only ones who cared that I was leaving were the sixteen year old girls who thought it was cool I knew the latest TikTok trends, sang along to the Taylor Swift songs, and fangirled over the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie coming out.

After an extra a few weeks I spent focusing on the new job, I went back to work at the job with my ex and my ex-friend in early August. Despite working there only on weekends, I still found myself checking the parking lot to make sure I didn’t see either of their vehicles there. Most days I’m lucky and I can get away with not seeing either.

My mental health was beginning to take a turn for the worse as summer began to come to an end. I began a “healing journey” which included working on my passions, learning new skills, getting back in touch with my inner child, falling back in love with life, and working on my health.

Lately it’s been getting bad again despite my efforts.

Between the holidays coming up making both my jobs busy, my favorite coworker at my new job is leaving and it’s bringing out all the red flags about my new big girl job. We’re understaffed, there’s clear favoritism, and a lot stress put on us because of the field we work in.

Somedays I go home and I feel like I’m in a daze.

Most days, I lay in bed and just cry because the life I planned no longer exists and I feel stuck.

All I wanted in life was to fall in love, get married to someone who made me feel safe and loved, own a home together where we could raise our kids, and one day publish a physical book.

Now a days, I don’t feel anyone could love me and even if they could I won’t be able to love them. I thought my biggest challenge was going to be publication, not romance.

I’m just here. Stuck somewhere between I want to live and wondering what’s the point? I don’t want to die and I’m not actively thinking of ways to end my life, but there are nights where I lay in bed and the idea of not waking up in the morning doesn’t sound too bad.

I just want to write silly headcanons or lovey dovey stories, but I don’t feel happy and the idea of love hurts.

I want the old me back, but she’s gone.

The new me isn’t sure who exactly she is yet either.

All I know is this is me trying.

#caribou speaks #tw depressing thoughts #don’t even get me started about the flash backs from 2021 being worse this year #yes i cry a lot

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caribouwritings · 7 months

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Howdy y’all, it’s been awhile…

Um, where do I even begin? I started a new job in March, I like it… sort of. When I say I like it, I mean I like the paycheck because it’s more than I’ve been making at my other jobs. However, I still work a second job because my ambitions cost more than I make currently.

There’s a whole list of reasons why I haven’t been posting much. Mostly because I’ve been working a lot, the other reason being when I’m not working I just feel empty/depressed.

A lot has gone on in my life since last October that it sometimes feels like I’m literally losing my mind. I’m trying to get to a better place, but right now I feel like I’m drowning in feelings I cannot explain.

I’m sorry I disappeared, I know I do it a lot that some of you probably already know the drill. (*Caribou stops posting for a few months and returns out of the blue*) I hate that I’m like this… and I’m truly sorry this happens with me.

I want to return, I like writing here…

…I just can’t post what I want to right now.

#caribou speaks

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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Hello lovelies! It’s been a minute!

I haven’t been writing on here much as I have been writing about my Star Wars OCs on my main blog @comm-caribou, along with reblogging some cool stuff!

Requests are still open, but it may be a while before I do them. Please be sure to check the rules!

All requests must be sent through the ask box, I will not take requests sent through direct messages.

————

Transformers: closed permanently

Mortal Kombat: open

Star Wars: the Clone Wars: open

Star Wars: The Bad Batch: open

Star Wars: Republic Commando: open

#caribou speaks #I am working on some master posts but this blog is over five years old full of writing… it’s taking awhile

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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Random Headcanon #72:

Warning: dark and angst filled thought

With how chaotic and confusing the war was, many clones got lost and/or left behind in battle.

While some ended up like Cut Lawquane with a new, happy life and maybe even a family, others didn’t.

Others ended up like Gregor, paying off a debt to someone who barely saw them as human, breaking their spirits and treating them so poorly they wanted to go back to the frontlines.

Others ended up in even worse situations. Kidnapped and hunted down for sport (like in Padawan Lost) or thrown in the black market to be auctioned off as slaves (like in Slaves of the Republic)

Worst of all, nobody probably thought to look for them.

#caribou headcanons #caribou originals #star wars #star wars the clone wars #republic commando #random headcanon #clone troopers

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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Random Headcanon #71:

Your clone trooper and Jedi OCs are canon.

#caribou speaks #caribou headcanons #random headcanon #caribou originals #star wars #star wars the clone wars #republic commando

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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22.

The last normal birthday

Before the world closed.

The last year I was in college

Where I wrote everyday

And my passion was soaring.

The last ounce of stability

As I worked steadily every week

And didn’t cope with online shopping.

The last fleeting moments

Before I turned 23

And fell apart

Trying to stay awake.

—And now we’re 25.

#caribou speaks #caribou poetry

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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Hi lovelies!

Feel free to leave your Mortal Kombat requests, however I will not be answering them anytime soon. I have currently fallen out of the fandom.

You’re more likely to get random writing as of right now, ranging from personal pieces and Star Wars.

Stay tuned.

#caribou speaks

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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Cut n’ Run

Word Count: 498

Summary: Its barely night when Suu notices something run across her yard. To protect her children, she goes into the barn to face the intruder. (I know this is not canon on how they would’ve met, but I couldn’t get it out of my head)

Warning: blood mentioned

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“Mommy! What was that?”

Suu quickly grabbed Shaeeah before she ran out their front door. Her daughter always had a habit of running first, asking questions later.

“Stay here,” Suu ordered, caressing her daughter’s face, “watch your brother.”

“Awe!” Shaeeah pouted, heading back to her game on the floor with her Jek.

Suu grabbed a staff she kept by the door.

“What if it’s a monster?” Jek protested.

“I’ll take care of it,” Suu assured, “I’ll fight till my last breath to keep you two safe.”

With that, she proceeded outside to the barn with its door ajar.

The trespasser was definitely inside.

Although frightened, Suu crept close to the door peeking in.

Her eopies seemed unbothered, which was some reassurance.

She inched in, keeping her staff pointed ahead of her and scanning the barn for anything out of the ordinary.

Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me, she thought to herself.

She checked the ground, finding blood droplet on the wooden planks. She knelt down, seeing they led to a stall in the back of the barn.

A couple eopies staring inside curiously.

She stood up again, putting on a brave face as she approached.

She paused outside the stall, listening to shallow, heavy breaths.

“We don’t want any trouble,” she called, “you need to be on your way now.”

A sound escaped the intruder, almost like a sob.

Suu inched closer to the door, “are you injured?”

The intruder didn’t answer.

She took a deep breath, then whipped around into the doorway, staff pointed.

What she saw was not a threat at all.

She heard of the soldiers of the Republic.

Brave troopers in black and white armor.

She just never expected to see one in her barn.

Backed into a corner with his hands raised in surrender and tears in his dark, brown eyes.

Suu lowered her staff, “what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know,” he barely whispered. “Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll be gone by morning, I just need a place to sleep tonight.”

Her eyes shifted to his hand, his glove sliced open and blood trickling down his palm.

“Must’ve got cut on the fence,” she leaned her staff on the wall. “Mind if I take a look?”

He moved away, terrified.

You poor man, Suu lowered down to his level, what horrors you must’ve saw.

She held out her hand, “I’m Suu.”

He barely met her eye, “they called me Cut.”

Suu took his injured hand, “hmm, I have some bandages inside. If you would like, you can come inside?”

“I don’t want to intrude more than I already have,” he said quietly.

“Well,” Suu smiled, “you’re already here, and you look half starved. I could set up an extra plate.”

Cut thought for a moment, then nodded.

Suu stood up, offering him a hand up, “I hope you like answering questions. My children will have plenty for you.”

Cut hesitated, but reached his hand out for her’s.

#caribou drabbles #caribou originals #star wars #star wars the clone wars #cut lawquane #suu lawquane

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caribouwritings · 2 years

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Hi lovelies

Been spending a lot of time on my main blog talking about my Star Wars OCs and the story I’m writing about them. Felt right to post this piece there rather than here, but still wanted to share the writing here.

Beach Day:

Word count: 348

@just-some-girl-92 and @voidika you wanted to read some one-shots about my OCs, here’s a little one I did based off what I wrote about Juliette’s dream vacation.

Warnings: none

—————

“Am I doing this right?”

“Hardwire, my dear,” Juliette playfully cooed, “if you have to ask, then you’re doing it wrong.”

Hardwire shifted in his lounge chair, feeling uncomfortable without his armor and so much of his scarred skin exposed.

He leaned back, twiddling his thumbs.

“Just relax,” Juliette sighed, “you’re on leave, there’s no need to be on edge. Just lean back and chill.”

Hardwire did as she said, looking over at her.

She had her eyes closed behind pink tinted sunglasses, and completely at ease in her purple ruffle bikini that matched his trunks.

“Juliette,” he crossed his arms over his bare chest.

She smiled, tilting her glasses down to look at him, “do I need to order you to relax?”

“No,” he chuckled, “it’s just… all my life it’s been go, go, go. I’ve never just stopped.”

Juliette placed her glasses on her face again, “you know, you could tilt that cap over your eyes and just take a nap.”

Hardwire hummed, then tilted his cap down.

“I’ll wake you up if anything happens,” Juliette patted the top of his hand.

“Thank you,” he mumbled.

****

Juliette had been sketching for hours, listening to Hardwire snore beside her as the sun toasted them.

“Uh, General?” a voice behind her said.

“We’re not on duty,” she reminded the trooper.

“Juliette,” Boomerang leaned over her shoulder, “you’re burning.”

Juliette looked down at her arm, “what?”

Boomerang lifted her pink lens up, “see?”

Her skin was bright red like a sith’s lightsaber.

“Oh kriff.” Juliette swore.

Boomerang chuckled, “did you forget your sunblock, goofball?”

“I put it on,” Juliette tapped Hardwire’s hand.

He groaned, lifting up his cap tiredly, “wha… what the heck?”

“Did you reapply it?” Boomerang snickered.

“Was I suppose to?” Juliette peeled herself off the chair.

“Yes.” Boomerang ran his hand over his face.

“I’m going back to sleep,” Hardwire sunk back down.

“Hardwire!” Juliette exclaimed. “I’m in crisis!”

“I’m sleeping,” Hardwire lied as his lips twitched.

“You’re laughing!”

“Sleeping.”

“You’re so full of it!”

Boomerang rolled his eyes, “I’ll get the aloe and acetaminophen.”

#caribou drabbles #caribou originals #caribou ocs #star wars #star wars the clone wars #juliette trix #commander hardwire #boomerang

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