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cruellunar · 1 month

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just a vent <3

i just want to be normal. im 19 and for awhile i’ve struggled with my identity. not just sexuality wise but gender too. i don’t know if my situation is exactly relatable or anything because i feel completely alone.

i was born a girl and when i was 11 i came out as trans and since then i’ve been living as a boy. at 14 i started testosterone and by 15 i had my name and gender marker changed. so the last 4 almost 5 years i’ve just been a cis male to the world. within those years i struggled with my sexuality heavily because i didn’t know how to feel. i was extremely confused and that stemmed from being confused before i had come out as trans.

before i had come out, i had had breakdowns about being attracted to girls and not wanting to be because multiple people had said that they knew i was or assumed i would be and i didn’t want them to be right. which idk why bc no one i knew was homophobic but still. so after i came out i was sort of confused as to if that meant i could like girls now without it being gay. my thought process was “if i’m a boy, i can like girls. that’s not gonna be weird.” but it still felt weird to say it. like if my dad asked if a girl was hot i would get shy and anxious to say yes. like i shouldn’t think she’s cute. but the same thing happened with boys because “i’m a boy now… that means it’s gay to think a boy is cute.” while i never really thought about boys one way or another.

even now, i’m always conflicted about men because i can see that they’re attractive and know it but struggle to know if i’m actually attracted to them or not. i know im not ever emotionally attracted to them. and whenever i think about women i feel it’s gay if that makes sense?

but i’ve been living as a male for so long that i feel i’m just stuck. i have this vision in my head of who i want to be and it’s so far fetched from what i am now. even who i was as a kid. if i can’t be the person in my head i feel i should just stay who i am now.

the thing is, i don’t feel entirely uncomfortable with he/him or boyfriend or male words, i guess i’ve just grown used to them. i just also don’t feel uncomfortable with she/her or anything. i mean it feels a little off but that’s probably because i haven’t used it for most of my life now.

i also feel this pull toward the lesbian community and women in general. i’ve felt horrible for it like i shouldn’t because i don’t belong there. like i’m an outsider and have no place but i feel like maybe i had a place and was pushed out by own fears, thoughts and expectations and now i’m just stuck. i don’t know.

i just want to be normal and happy. i’m tired of constantly going back and forth with feeling unhappy with who i am. with not knowing who i am. or i guess knowing but not being able to be.

#vent post #personal vent #advice #lgbtq community #lgbt #lgbt help #advice needed #transgender #femme lesbian #lgbtqia

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cruellunar · 8 months

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gaylor/kaylor theory

call me insane i do not care- it’s just a silly little theory BUT what if this whole travis kelce thing is just a double cover up.

here me out, sophie turner has been at the games too right? and just before that we saw her and taylor having dinner. what if it’s actually her who’s with travis and her and taylor worked out a plan that it would be taylor who would be seen with him in public so sophie would have heat off of her and taylor wouldn’t be questioned about karlie at her eras concert and if they’re back together/“friends” again.

it’s a double cover up that works out for both them.

if this theory has been said before i haven’t seen it so i’m sorryyy but again, just a theory and stuff no hate to taylor or anyone at all🤍

#taylor swift #karlie kloss #kaylor #gaylor #sophie turner #taylor swizzle

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