fatstevewrites

[fatstevewrites]

For writers: How NOT To Write Dialog

Hey, guys! Like... All three of you.  Content has not been forthcoming because the past few months have been kinda crazy. First, Best Buy got weird. Then, I went full-time at Allegory, and quit Best Buy, and it was weird getting used to long days and consistent scheduling, and I had a bunch of stuff to catch up on at home. Which I didn’t, because of course I didn’t. And now, thanks to some financial crises coming up all at the same time, I’m being laid-off at Allegory at the end of the month. Yay, stress-induced mouth sores and motor tics! My favorite! So, this all means that I’m losing my job and my schedule stability, I haven’t cleaned my house properly for a month, it’s finally stopped raining and my lawn desperately needs to be mowed. Sounds to me like the perfect time to write another blog post! Today, I’d like to talk about writing, from the perspective of a reader.  As an aspiring writer, I read. A lot. A really, really huge lot. Part of why I have such a hard time getting anything done, in fact. I recommend this personality defect to everyone, it makes you smarter than TV will, in addition to being drastically more useful to someone trying to learn how to write, themselves. Writing is, at its heart, specifically for reading, isn’t it?  However, it’s also true that there’s no small number of things amateur writers can do to make themselves look like they need to read a little bit more. That’s why today, I’m going to talk about a few things writers often do that consistently take me out of the writing, specifically involving dialog.  1. Ridiculous children’s dialog.  Children are young and inexperienced, and as a result, their dialog is going to quite often sound very different from adults. However, since “young and inexperienced” does not universally translate to “severely mentally disabled”, there are some wrong ways to do this. Keep in mind when writing a child, what age and sex they are, what sorts of words they should (and shouldn’t) be using, what sorts of grammatical and pronunciation corruptions they should be using, so on, so forth. WHen in doubt, look up videos of children from the associated age range on YouTube. It’s very difficult to take your child character at face value if they’re 13 and everyone accepts their inability to pronounce the letter R as an artifact of their youth, and not a legitimate speech impediment. Your contemporary 4-year-old is probably not going to come across as believable if they never use contractions and they address their parents as “mother” and “father” rather than the significantly easier to pronounce “mommy” and “daddy”. That shit is creepy. If that’s what you’re going for, great! But more often than not, you probably aren’t. Perhaps the most important, is in hyper-pluralization. WHen children learn a grammatical rule, they try to apply it as a blanket across all examples they see. For example, words like “mice”, “geese”, “deer” et. al, usually get redundantly or incorrectly pluralized to something like “mouses”, “geeses”, “deers”, so on, so forth. What this DOESN’T mean, however, is sprinkling extra letter S’s into every second or third word of the dialog. If yours child characters is talkings like this, that’s not Timmy Toddler you’ve just written, that’s Skwisgaar Skwigelf.  2. Hyper-formal speech for no good reason. I always found the most unnerving, jarring, uncanny-valley part of The Matrix trilogy to be the parts where the characters are in the distant future, living in a grimy underground city, eating recycled protein paste and rubbing their USB ports together in carved-out stone alcove beds, but suddenly everyone has forgotten how to use contractions, and their vocabulary choice makes them sound like they’re reading off of a formal business letter. It gets even worse when you watch movies like Battlefield Earth, where the unwashed post-apocalyptic masses don’t even have the benefit of learning how to speak in such a stilted manner while plugged into giant cornstalks. It’s weird and it’s jarring, not old-timey and proper. This goes for all time periods, but especially for contemporary and futuristic. People are lazy. The internet, the biggest and most gloriously complex invention mankind has ever conceived of, was originally drawn up by college professors who didn’t want to get up out of their chair and use two different computers. It’s hard to believe that as time goes by, people will resort to more complicated and time-consuming speech patterns just for the hell of it. 

 3. Middle-English pronoun abuse. If you’re trying to write Middle English, on the other hand, don’t just sprinkle in the flowery pronouns to sound pretty. There are appropriate times to use thee, thou, thy, thine, and ye, and they are not interchangeable, and it’s *really* embarrassing to use them incorrectly and have someone who understands them, have absolutely no idea what you’re trying to say.  I won’t go too deep into grammar and specific use, but a simple reader’s digest is that “thou” and “thee” are simple second-person pronouns, subject and object respectively, “thy” and “thine” are possessive forms, and “ye” is the plural. There are a whole bunch of really good, quick-and-easy guides on when to use these pronouns, along with more Middle English stuff such as early contractions and grammatical corruptions that sound cool and help to add immersion to your work. Since it really is sort of a different language, it’s important to understand it before trying to write it. The alternative is to just keep being the literary equivalent of that pixie-cut mommy type driving the burgundy GMC Acadia with an unrealistically large stick figure family and “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” on the liftgate window, who tries to communicate with the Latino cashier at Best Buy by adding “el” to the beginning of every word and ending them all with “-o”. 4. Stammering. Like, a whole lot. Emotion in dialog is a funny thing. When the word choice and punctuation are just right, and the line breaks reflect pauses and body language, the reader can really be drawn in and feel like part of the story. On the other hand, some people just make everyone fucking stammer all the time like the poor character has just finished recovering from a stroke. I don’t know about you, but that *really* takes me out of the moment. This is especially common when a character is being portrayed as shy or nervous, and for some reason, amateur writers seem to like to turn the stammer dial up to 11 when writing dialog for a sexually submissive character in an erotic scene or story. In these situations especially, it makes absolutely no sense. If your character doesn’t have some sort of neurological disorder or a severe stutter, and isn’t freezing to death, th-then th-th-they sh-shouldn’t b-b-b-be t-talking l-li-like th-this. Normal people will stutter or slip in speech once in a while, especially when they’re stressed or excited, but sounding like Porky the Pig is not normal, and it certainly is not sexy. Seriously, think to yourself for a moment. When’s the last time you heard a real person, excluding those dealing with an actual stutter, or currently dying from hypothermia, who sounded like that? And no, the token shy new kid in the latest Fantasy-Themed High-School Of The Week anime doesn’t count as a real person. 5. Obtuse F-bomb surrogacy. This is almost exclusively within the realm of sci-fi, generally limited to young authors attempting to be edgy but worried their friends or family might see their work and think they’re uncreative or vulgar. It’s happened a bunch on network television, as well, but the extent is quite different. Imagine a dark and serious sci-fi adventure following the exploits of a sexy cyborg mercenary badass involving gratuitous, graphic violence, complicated, deep adult themes, and occasionally even fairly explicit sexuality, and the strangely incongruent use of hyper-sanitized nonsense versions of contemporary profanity.  One moment, our heroine is  murdering a band of armed thugs with a piece of broken pipe, and the next, she’s telling someone to go frell themself, or that she can’t find her fracking space helmet. It’s true, language changes. New words replace old words, the meaning and common use of such words changes and evolves to suit society’s agreed-upon use of said words. However, I promise you that this isn’t going to happen to “fuck” for a very, very long time. The word “fuck” has been in documented use in current form since as early as the 12th century, and came into relatively common use as early as the 14th. If we’re using the word in essentially the same context with virtually the same meaning more than 700 years later, and it only gets more popular, more widespread, and more socially acceptable by the day, it stands to reason that another 700 years probably won’t have a huge effect on its linguistic use as the ultimate profanity multitool. To keep it right to the point, your audience (me) is going to find the tone bizarrely discontinuous if you’re fine writing about some very dark, adult themes involving graphic violence, death, and eroticism all silhouetted against the backdrop of a grand battle to rescue humanity from the brink of cosmic oblivion, but your protagonist isn’t allowed to scream “Fuck” at the top of his lungs when he stubs his toe. You know, like normal human beings do. If you’re concerned about being seen as vulgar or uncreative with your dialog choice, then maybe use some other words in addition to “fuck”, like normal people also do. And on the off chance you’re writing for younger audiences who shouldn’t really be seeing that kind of language per modern social standards, then perhaps the adult themes, graphic violence and eroticism were a bad place to start. Just say “Fuck”.  By not showing these issues in your writing, regardless of whether that’s by not having done them  in the first place, or by eliminating the ones you find yourself guilty of, you make your dialog dramatically more relatable and more readable, and by extension, you and your work look a whole lot more professional.  So, now that that’s done, I’d like to talk about my own writing project a little bit. It’s a long time in the making, a science fiction piece involving heavy cyberpunk and space opera themes, centered around historical allegory. Imagine about 600 years in the future, where mankind has industrialized, though maybe not perfected, long-range, faster-than-light space travel. Finding habitable planets to colonize is hard and costly and time-consuming, and terraforming planets to make them more suitable for human life is only slightly less so. In 2686, humanity is only a scant 45 years past its first large-scale interstellar war, which has just totally decimated the economy of the Core Systems, the nation which really kinda started the whole thing as a land grab. Clifford Cryer is an aging private security contractor who, aside from heavy cybernetic alteration, is not quite human.  His entire subspecies was genetically for the purpose of reinforcing dwindling troop reserves during the latter half of the war, and when they came home after the Core Systems surrendered, the economy didn’t really know what to do with them. With each passing day, the sentiment against the cruel and excessive sanctions placed on the Core Systems by their enemies in the previous war cause public sentiment to grow against foreigners and nonhumans, and things take a turn for worse when his home is rocked by a massive terrorist bombing. As a result, Cryer is framed as one of the perpetrators in a massive conspiracy, forcing him to decide whether it’s more important to him to fight for survival, or to fight for the truth. 

#writing #fiction #new author #writing advice #scifi

[fatstevewrites]

HOW TO INTERACT WITH RETAIL SALESPEOPLE: A guide for retail electronics shoppers, BY retail electronics shoppers.

1. Always haggle about everything, everywhere, because stores always have a huge margin on everything and are happy to spend literally all day earning your business on something that costs less than the hourly rate of the employee you're harassing. This is a waiting game. Remember: these are not human beings trying to meet quotas and serve all of their customers. They have no soul and exist solely to serve and satisfy you. 2. Whistling and snapping your fingers are the preferred way to attract the attention of a salesperson. In fact, if they are working with another customer, these are the *only* ways you should attract their attention. Using phrases such as "Excuse me" and "I'm sorry, I know you're in the middle of something, but I just have one brief question and then I'll be on my way", should be avoided at all costs, as these things make you look weak. Salespeople can smell weakness and will definitely use it to dupe you into a protection plan or credit card that you don't want, against your will. 3. The magic password that allows retail employees and their managers to break all the rules set by their company and their vendors is "I'm a really good customer". If you say this enough times to the right people, you'll get whatever price you want. Do you actually have to *be* a really good customer? Of course not. If you were, you wouldn't be haggling over a shelf-model generic Chromebook already marked down 2/3 off normal retail price. 4. Whenever practical, insult your sales associate in some way. Complaining about their generation and peer/age/demographic group will give them a sense that you are a superior being and should be treated with respect and deference. This works best when trying to negotiate for free services, because it's those damned millennials' fault everything is so complicated, after all. 5. Revealing to white salespeople that you're a racist and that you prefer working with them instead of their black/latino/middle-eastern/flamboyantly homosexual coworkers will definitely make them like you more. If they don't, it's because they've been brainwashed by the liberal media, and you should definitely lecture them about this. 6. If a salesperson says something doesn't exist, just ask for another salesperson. There's no way that this item you've imagined *must exist*, cannot exist. THis works best when you first proclaim that you're technologically illiterate, to a man who is assembling a laptop in front of you. Because nothing says 'I know what I'm talking about' quite like openly admitting that you are a moron. 7. If someone says something is out of stock or not carried at a location, always ask them to check "The Back". Rephrase this request as many times as you like when being told that there is no "The Back" because the receiving area contains nothing but televisions, and that the computer says the store has none of the product because it was discontinued a month ago. Your computer is always broken, so it stands to reason that his computer is also broken and simply telling him incorrect information. Eventually they'll relent. 8. If the above fails, scowl and repeat this line verbatim, as condescendingly as possible: "Well, your website says you have it." NOTE- Knowing a product number, accurate product description, or even how to *use* said webpage are not actually necessary, as most of the time, when the employee checks said website, the website will NOT, in fact, say that they have it. No need to worry, you simply need to respond with "Well, it did when I looked this morning". 9. In the event you fail to understand a product, a price bundle, or a purchase limitation or condition, or in the event something you want is actually not in stock, it is clearly an example of false advertising, and you should definitely make sure to point this out. Simply knowing how to pronounce the term 'false advertising' will make you appear to be a savvy consumer. Will this accomplish anything? Is there a damned thing the employee can do about it? The answer to both questions is no, but throwing an adult temper tantrum will make you feel better. 10. If all else fails and you have still not gotten your way, you must turn the tables. THose retailers have disrespected you by not acquiescing to your every demand and utter lack of understanding of how retail works, and you have to show them what's what. This can be accomplished in two steps: First, throw whatever you're holding on the nearest countertop or table. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be a product you were planning to purchase, a drink you've been sloshing and spilling all over the displays all day, a stack of sales fliers. Do it with a sense of finality and loudly proclaim "You've just lost a customer". While it would be entirely in-character for these subhuman workers to patronizingly apologize, then roll their eyes and go back to the literal dozens of people waiting to be helped while you made a scene, you know that inside, they're feeling terrible pain, because they exist solely to make YOU happy. Because YOU matter, and nobody else does.

#retail #milennials #baby boomers

[fatstevewrites]

Penises and farting. IN SPACE!

Hello there! My name is Steve. My hobbies include reading and writing, fixing broken things, building new things to break, and pretending that I understand social conventions. Allow me to tell you a little bit about what I’m doing here! Any aspiring writer out there will tell you that the process of writing a novel is a bit of an adventure, as I’ve been discovering over the past few months. It gets even more adventurous when you’re a new homeowner working two jobs. Adventurous enough, in fact, that a number of my experiences have prompted fairly interesting discussions on Facebook with strangers. Actual strangers who are actually interested, not just, like, people I’m forced into contact with because of an arbitrary set of social rules that govern how salespeople talk to the people who enter a store.  Anyway, I promise the title of this post isn’t meant to be too clickbait-y, but I have to give you some context first.  I’m currently writing what will end up being the third full draft of a science fiction novel  (seventh draft, if you count the times I restarted without finishing a draft) tentatively called Clifford Cryer: Civil Insurgent. The book is a dystopian proto-cyberpunk space opera about the titular Clifford Cryer, an aging former private security contractor on the run for his life after being framed for a large-scale terrorist attack. Much, perhaps even most, of the book takes place in space, because outer space is cool and exciting, and if you disagree, you are objectively wrong. Now, my writing style can best be described as “Consistent sci-fi that is hard and factual except where it makes for bad storytelling”. So I’ve been doing a tremendous amount of research into the early space program, and a number of ergonomic concerns relating to space exploration and travel. Whenever I’ve successfully found an excuse not to write (eg. Communicating with the bank about the fact that my taxes are supposed to be paid via escrow, mowing the yard because the grass is 18 inches tall and the neighbors are starting to think I’ve died, et-cetera), I generally watch documentaries or listen to narrations about early space science. Today I’d like to share with you a few of the more amusing factoids that I’ve learned which were, while of dubious usefulness to me, at least amusing. Because I have the relative maturity level of a ten-year-old boy. 1. Microgravity affects blood flow and circulation. WHile researching how microgravity affects bleeding from things such as gunshot or stab wounds, I discovered that apparently, the human body relies pretty heavily on gravity in order to circulate blood to the bottom half of the body. Which, as you’ll note, is where your penis is, if you’re a dude. This causes the amusing combination of circumstances wherein it is both absurdly difficult to get and maintain an erection, according to a number of astronauts, as well as the fact that the lack of natural drainage from gravity makes morning wood both particularly pronounced and aggressive, as well as longer-lasting than under Earth’s gravity. My guess is that this is probably why you don’t see a lot of sweatpants or lounge pants in videos from the ISS. 2. During the Apollo program, much experimentation went into finding ways for people to go to the bathroom in space. With urine in particular, men were fitted with an external catheter, basically a reusable condom that connects to a storage bag. In fitting these condoms, engineers originally created three sizes: Small, Medium, and Large. You can probably see the issue here. Astronauts were apparently *very* reluctant to select the appropriate size for themselves in instances where it wasn’t “Large”. When this actually became an issue ( and not “C’mon, Captain, it’s not the size of the rocket, it’s how smoothly you can dock it, now drop your Dockers and let Papa Von Braun measure your little kommando”, I mean, like, “OH GOD THERE IS LITERALLY PEE FLOATING AROUND THE CABIN, WHICH IS BOTH DISGUSTING AND POTENTIALLY LETHAL”), the design team simply relabeled these sizes Large, Gigantic, and Humongous. Mine would definitely be “Large”, if ‘ya know what I mean.  3. Playtex, yes, the same Playtex that made women’s shapewear, bras, corsetry, all that other fun stuff, was actually chosen as the principal contractor to design and build the space suit that Apollo astronauts would use on the moon. The amusing part about this is not so much that literally the very same individual people making brassieres  would be sewing together space suits, but more that they won the contract against close to half a dozen other actual military and aerospace contractors.  4. During the Apollo 16 moon landing, Commander John Young ostensibly suffered some ill effects from the potassium-enriched diet that they fed astronauts to compensate for an irregular heartbeat experienced by some of the Apollo 15 crew members. And by “Ill effects”, I mean apparently this poor dude had absolutely spectacular gas while moonwalking. There were actually several pretty funny conversations between Young and lunar lander pilot Charlie Duke, to where NASA had to censor approximately ten to fifteen minutes worth of complaining about farting.  My summary is this:  Being an astronaut must have been miserable. You have to fight against an unintentional boner to squeeze into your lingerie spacesuit, which reeks of farts, and when you get to take the suit off, you can’t even bust a nut because your little Sputnik can’t get up to critical altitude. But at least you finally have documented proof that you have a large penis. 

#space #bathroom humor #history #writing #scifi