findingmypeace

[findingmypeace]

This week is going to be so busy. More busy than last week. After my new roommate dropped out (most likely a blessing in disguise) the owners and I worked out a deal so that I can still move in on Wednesday. I will spend the month of May looking for a new roommate while I’m living in my new place. I am so relieved. But now the issue is packing all my stuff and doing all the cleaning while I’m still going to work today (Monday) and tomorrow (Tuesday). I had only done a little bit of that because I wasn’t sure if the roommate situation would fall through. Now it’s two days away. Thankfully, I am only moving across the courtyard (30-40ish feet) and then up the stairs so I can hand carry a lot of my things. But that’s a lot of stairs. I’m going to be so sore!

#personal #moving

[findingmypeace]

On of the less intuitive things about love, I've found, of any kind, is the importance of needing things.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

It's not needy, or selfish, or taking up energy. It's giving the gift of being wanted, and needed, and thought of. It's giving someone the security of being part of someone's life.

#this #it's not wrong to need someone #It's not wrong to depend on others #I am always so honored when someone asks me to do things like this #they trust me #they care enough to ask

[findingmypeace]

“One of the hardest parts of recovery is learning that being sick is not the only thing important about you, that you do not have to stay sick to show you are suffering, that suffering was never meant to define you.”

— (via aplacecalledsilence)

[findingmypeace]

[findingmypeace]

Is anyone getting likes from random people you’ve never interacted with? I mean if it’s just someone browsing profiles I get it but 3 “likes” from three different strangers in one day. I can’t tell if they’re bots or real people.

[findingmypeace]

Nothing is ever easy. New roommate back out. I knew this was going to happen when she wasn’t responding to me. It’s about her concern with her own finances but of course she didn’t say anything about it until less than a week to our move in date (May 1st). And since it’s 9pm on Thursday night I have 5 days to find a roommate. All is not lost. I have until June 5th to get out of my current place. I might just end up staying here for another month while I look for a roommate. However, everything is set up for me to move on May 1st. I’m taking PTO May 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. My brother is also taking May 1st off to help me move. My current landlord has based his plans off of me leaving on May 1st. My new landlords have had my new place painted, the carpets cleaned and everything is fixed up for me to move in on May 1st.

And here we are. Like I said, nothing ever comes easy.

#personal #moving #frustration #my life is about always waiting for the next shoe to drop #that way I’m never surprised #Is it just me

[findingmypeace]

Why do I feel so sad? I’m not even sad about anything in particular. I thought I’d go home and finish my work where there is no interruptions but now I’m wondering if that would be worse. I do not like this feeling. I took the increased dose this morning. Please, please work quickly. I didn’t even realize I was feeling better and now that the “feeling better” feeling isn’t there I want it back asap. Why did I think adjusting things would be okay?😔

[findingmypeace]

TW: food, weight loss, diet culture, ED update.

I haven’t talked about this for awhile on here because, honestly, I’ve told no one. This first time I’m saying anything.

I have talked about how my weight has skyrocketed beyond anything I could ever imagine and I’ve been completely powerless to change it. I’m just at my wits end. I can’t take it anymore. Through my insurance I signed up for a free weight loss program. They sent me a fancy scale that shows me my weight and BMI and automatically shares my progress with them. I only started the full program on Monday but I received the scale a few weeks ago and have been sharing my weight them since which has earned me a free Fitbit. They also offer a prepared meal service at a discounted prices and I paid for two weeks worth of meals.

There is so much diet culture bullshit but I’m just ignoring that. Thankfully I am a place where I can see through that bullshit. But I am desperate to lose weight. This program works on a level system and after a few weeks you can choose to stay on the same level or move up to the next one. Since I just started I am on level one. On level one your diet is supposed to consist of 75% fruits and vegetables and 25% protein. It’s based off an inflammation and elimination diet so that on level 2 you start adding back in other foods. Level one is a minimum of three weeks.

I know this isn’t the best idea for someone with a long term eating disorder but in a way there are some positives. There is more structure to what I’m eating and I don’t want to ‘mess it up’ by b/ping. I also am starting to make food instead of just microwave it and call it done.

I am afraid of getting too restrictive. One thing that has kept the restriction in check is the amount of brain fog I had last spring/summer. I never want that again. People didn’t think I was sick. They thought I was dumb and incompetent. I don’t want that ever again, especially in my job. But also I want to lose weight. Back and forth. The eating disorder is saying “well maybe if you drink enough fluids and include protein the brain fog won’t be as bad” And then I remember how things were a year ago and I still scared it will happen again. Back and forth. Ugh, I want this so bad. I’m going to try my hardest to not let this spiral.

#personal #ed recovery #bulimia #diet culture

[findingmypeace]

I had a medication change last week because I was so sleepy all day long and almost fell asleep during a very important meeting. During the session with my psychiatrist it occurred to me that I have actually started feeling better!!!! I reflected over the previous few weeks and realized I wasn’t as sad and depressed for the first time in years! I started crying because this realization felt SO good. Of course things weren’t ‘perfect’ and of course I wasn’t the happiest person on earth but I didn’t feel dread everyday. I can’t even describe that moment of realization.

But I was practically sleeping through meetings. To help with this we didn’t eliminate any medication but we did lower the dose on one and moved another from morning to night. I woke up this morning crying to the picture of Rosie that is my wallpaper on my phone. And yesterday’s management meeting was awful (that’s a different story) and I came home and it felt like I could hardly move. And for years I’ve had an issue with ‘zoning out’ or technically a few minutes of dissociation until I snap back into reality and this has started happening again.

And it’s all from that minor med change. My psychiatrist did say if this happens I can increase the dose back to its previous level so I’m going to do that. I just don’t want to be sleepy but I also don’t want to be so depressed either.

And it’s 5:30am and I’m up because I have 3 reports due today. Two that I found out about on Tuesday.

Lastly, I have few drafts written up. One of them is an ED update. I’m doing my best to maintain a harm reduction approach but I’ve hit a little bit of a wall. I’m fighting so, so hard not to let things spin out of control again. I’m hoping to finish up all these drafts tonight.

#personal #depression #med adjustments

[findingmypeace]

At work today we have a management meeting. These things usually go on for hours and involve team building activities, socializing, announcements, addressing certain issues, watching a video on leadership, and end with lunch.

I’m not in the mood for any of it. I used to look forward to these because they were fun. Now they show case the hypocrites, all the double standards, and everyone circles around into tiny groups whispering about each other and all other gossip. I used to feel welcomed by everyone at these meetings and now I just feel like shit. They are only once a month and it’s typically the only time I see some of these people which is a big positive. I have so much to do this week, for work, and it seems like such a waste of time to be playing the bullshit game with people who really don’t care or act like they are above any lesson that may be taught.

I’m just tired. This week has been nonstop. I want a vacation.

#personal #work

[findingmypeace]

Saw a sibling poll and needed to expand it because I fit, like. Mid youngest, youngest in theory only child in practice, and adopted. And I think they all have their own unique parts in the sibling ecosystem.

#oldest #I have 5 younger siblings

[findingmypeace]

I don't know if I'm dilerious and exhausted or if this really is funny. Poor ostrich.

[findingmypeace]

One more meeting but my nerves are shot. I haven’t stopped moving all day and so much more just got added to my plate. Maybe that’s a good thing because they are trusting me more.

I am dragging today. And it’s going to be a very long day with 3 very important meetings, including one where I am the presenter. Too much on one day!!!!

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

[findingmypeace]

I am dragging today. And it’s going to be a very long day with 3 very important meetings, including one where I am the presenter. Too much on one day!!!!

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

#personal #work

[findingmypeace]

#yippee #Thursday #haha

[findingmypeace]

I especially love the last part of this post about singing it because my show choir SANG this song and did a choreographed dance to it at the same time. I'd post the youtube video of it but that would give away my location. I absolutely LOVE this song. Brings back all the memories. And everyone was singing along to it the other day at work. Now I need to go listen to it again.

every person can feel freddie’s presence in their souls when they sing MAMAAAAAA UUHHHH, I DONT WANNA DIE, I SOMETIMES I WISH I’VE NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL with all the air in their lungs i’m not joking

[findingmypeace]

after being mutuals for a certain time tumblr should give you a coupon for a free trip to hang out with them