goldenshamy

[goldenshamy]

I never thought i would be happy in a relationship without sex, but look at me now happy as can be and in a wonderful relationship with this blond bombshell who's looks are so good they might just be able to kill.do i crave sex....of course i do what guy doesnt but because of her beliefs im gonna wait, its gonna be a hard road to walk...but im gonna make the effort because she actually likes me FOR ME.....which lets face it....my past 2 girlfriends havent AND ONE OF THEM I ALMOST MARRIED!!! Like what the fuck was i thinking....i mean our relationship at the time was great but once that tattoo artist took her....she wasnt my gf...she changed....and thats my biggest worry with my newest gf Taylor cause she is so clingy im not as worried but it does concern me that once i move away she (like all the others) will look for a new guy while i just sit dreaming of her. Ive cried too many times due to nightmares of her finding a new guy....yet everytime we talk she swears up one side and down the other she wont walk away from this relationship....every girl ive tried to be with has walked so what makes this one different....idk but it feels different, it feels like she actually wants me...and i hope not just for my body....but still she is the first girl i actually feel like i can be myself around and not care cause she will love me no matter what....i just hope my lust side doesnt take over as much as we both wish it would....i dont want her to regret being with me...i want her to feel safe, loved, and all the other sappy shit but i also want her to realize i like feeling all the same sappy shit....but i dont want her to change once i leave....cause im almost convinced she will...and to this day it scares me....i love her and thats no doubt but as much as i want the best for her...her being with me might not seem the best for her in her eyes once i live in another state...i feel so bad for posting something like this cause i know if she finds it she will cry and then ill feel like shit but she might actually be the one to get me to stop doing things i love doing just because she is there....not cause she asked me to but because her presence is so extremely amazing i cant help but stare in shock as i think to myself....omg that amazing woman is mine and i dont have to share at all, im so proud of her and her accomplishments and just the fact of being hers is something to be proud of....like i love hearing her discribe me in public as HER man....it just gives me that warm feeling of being wanted by someone that just makes me want to be hers even more than i already am....anyway im babbling on about this and how amazing she is instead of sleeping cause she is worth it...and im afraid of the nightmare....but still i hope she reads this at somepoint and feels even better about being mine....cause i do love her and will care for her as much as i possibly can in the time we have....just so each step we take together is one giant one toward our goals of relationships :P

[goldenshamy]

So i got this new girlfriend (i never thought i would get) and she is absolutely amazing, she makes every other girl ive dated seem like an asshole, this girl treats me like a king and its great! I never thought i could be excited to go see someone that i saw yesterday....but lets take this back to the beginning, first time i locked eyes with her she was actually taken by some cumquat who treated her like shit, but i thought i saw a goddess that needed some help. So i helped her every chance i got that way if she ever broke up with him she might think "wow let me see if this guy that is helping me is single" which never happened...so one day i got the guts to ask her to hang out....thinking she is still taken i ask her to join me and my boss for a few drinks at a bar nearby after work....as expected she said she would join us...which im still thinking at this point she has a guy and is happy with him. So our meet up time comes around and my boss and i show up at the bar and this girl i thought was single shows up in what i couldnt have thought possible but she showed up looking even more stunning (i cant remember exactly what she was wearing but it was hot) than she looked at work and after we sat and talked like a small group of friends, i took my boss back to his place and he and i sat in his driveway for 20ish min and then continued to text after for another 25 min where he kept telling me to ask her out and i would argue that im sooooooooo not good enough....finally i cave cause as he and i got in the car he subtly added that she was single and once he dropped that a 4th time during our arguement i said "FINE ILL DO IT NOW" and the moment i texted her she got back to me...like she was sitting next to the phone waiting for it. That was the first time i ever prayed since my first dog died....and look at me now her and i have been dating every day for 2 weeks now and i cant stop getting excited to see her...she keeps saying she isnt good enough....well reading everything above this you should be able to tell she is more than good enough...the only downside (i cant find any other one and this one isnt really a downside but i know i need to find something so here) is that she wants to follow her religion's restriction of no sex...which isnt all bad its something that i admire as much as hate....but i hate it cause ive been a sex addict for a while and havent been able to get any but i love it cause once someone marrys this amazing woman its gonna be so special for that man....she has no idea how badly i wanna be that lucky guy i mean like she really is someone my gut tells me i love but my heart is still incomplete and wants to wait and see if she is the missing piece and so far she has been the missing piece, but the whole reason for this post is my heart has made its choice...after seeing some of the things on her tumblr she would want, some stuff i do and somethings i wanna try, but she seems like she wants sex as much as i do, she just wants to wait till after marriage for any of it, and since she wants to wait, as much as i dont want to wait, i shall due to the fact that i think this girl wants me as much as i want her....she seems like she loves me but im trying really hard not to say it too soon even though i told her that my gut told me to tell her already....AND SHE DIDNT MIND well at least she didnt seem to mind...but i also told her that my gut desides way faster than my heart but after spending so much time together i really wanna tell her...but then again i dont wanna fuck this up and say it before she is ready to say it back...still though she really has brought my spirits up she has helped me in so many ways and last but certainly not least she has been there for me for anything i need...just like i am there for her....she is one of the most amazing girls in my life and i hope my gut is right cause my heart is starting to follow my gut....

[goldenshamy]

You ever been so horny you would fuck a wall if you thought it would make you feel better? Ive finally know what that feeling is like...i feel like i would hurt daniela's feelings for looking for someone else...but still i want to call her for a good time but i dont want to push something like that "too early" i know we broke up almost 2 months ago but still my balls feel like they are gonna burst....using my hand doesnt always work and even still reading that she wants to have sex and knowing i want it im just not sure how to say call me without sounding like im trying to get her back....i saw a post where she was complaining about people's nudes....yet im sitting here wishing she would come take her own with me and get a good time out of it too...this may just be me being a horny 21 year old man but still it would be nice for my FWB to call....which i know she said it would be a while before we did anything but since the last time we talked face to face ive just been sitting here wishing my hand would work...but still do i want to show her a passion ive had for her since we first met...absolutely but will i sit here and continue to push her away by trying to win her back...? No im not like that...she wants to find other guys....i hope she does....and i hope she finds a good guy or (and i have all hope for this...) she wants to get back with me...but i hope she knows she can call me for a good time when ever (please call soon :P) do i have feelings for her...yes....will i push us getting back together....no...not unless i see she is being treated badly! I may be an ex but i still care for her and wish her all the best and will stand behind her in all her decisions....more because she is one of my best friends and she is still considered family to everyone in my family :) if i cant love her as a lover i shall love her as a friend :) but on a more serious note....please call...im sure we both could use a good fuck :)

[goldenshamy]

This is so true...and sometimes it just makes you want to not be around....but still with the "stubbornness of the irish" eventually we get over it and move on as much as it hurts...

i still don’t understand the phrase “luck of the irish” because the luck of the irish is, historically speaking, fucking terrible.

[goldenshamy]

There is a time to feel alone...and there is a time to accept the fact you are alone...neither time has hit me yet but reality has i havent been sleeping and i havent been eating right and i dont think much is going well...they all say when it rains it pours....well ever since my (now ex) fiance broke up with me everything has been rolling downhill....ive had 4 members of my family have to go to the hospital and another 3 fall extremely ill im over worked and under paid and totally under appreciated i tried to treat her like a queen...you know happy wife happy life...right? I guess women dont want that...she didnt see a future with me that is her reasoning and she is sticking to it....i mean i cant get more broken up about this and now im hearing rumors that she is sleeping around....i can say confidently she isnt cause she isnt like that but just hearing it makes everything hurt so much more...ive had 16 anxiety attacks just for being alone and now she has rumors going around that she has 4 boyfriends...and she has screwed all of them....im sorry its hurting too much not to do anything and i know it is a lie she keeps saying there might be a chance for us to get together again though and maybe if i change everything about me to suit her needs maybe....just maybe i can have my queen back...i just want to feel loved by someone that actually wants to be around me...ive been alone for too long...i promise not to fuck up on my next relationship....ive screwed up too many times...just because one gf didnt like my physical appearance she had 3 guys with her....this was not my latest ex...my latest ex treated me with respect and dignity and my short temper fucked that whole relationship...and the whole reason i was short tempered....all my past girl friends treated me like garbage and when i didnt fight back they laughed at me told me to fight back and when i refused they left me...now that i did fight for what i believed in....i lost the one girl i will forever have a place in my heart for....and i cant stop worrying about her...i cant stop thinking of her...i cant get out of my head that i am a failure i am a loser and i am not worth the time of day from the ugliest meanest girl on the planet....no im not going gay most will think that from reading all this....and no im not even worth that...im worthless im garbage and nothing will make me feel differently about her and the whole relationship....i love her....i always will...who ever tells you that you cant love more than 1 person...explain your family...how do you love your mom AND your dad....last i checked they arent the same person...so why cant you have love for one girl and still have love for an ex...idk but i will say that i will try and love both dearly and keep both close to my heart...i will say that my ex cant break it to the extent she has now....but im no longer letting any woman that close...not my next gf not my mom not my grandmother....NO ONE WILL EVER GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO BREAK ME....in the famous words of ivan moody if i fall im taking everybody out....all my friends know emotionally when im upset they dont even need to see me its just a gut feeling they get...in turn they all feel my pain...well a portion of it...but still they feel it almost as hard as i do...and i hope i find someone that will make me as happy as i make them...but no one will break me....im fucking bulletproof and now taking applications for my new gf....i know no one will apply but still its worth a try....i really try to be a good guy but some how my dumbass is too stupid for someone as smart as her...well ive been broken and need someone to repair my heart...it right now has been liquified thanks to my ex fiance and i have it sitting in the freezer waiting for someone to mold it back into place....but wait there is a piece missing....ya daniela still has it...and that void will never be filled by another girl

#alone #depression #regret #love #wishful thinking #anxiety

[goldenshamy]

I never thought i would be alone again...well this time im not alone i have amazing friends...but now my one true love is no longer my fiance she is now a friend...a close friend but still a friend...i feel so broken...ive not had someone stick my heart in a blender before...if i seem heartless im sorry my heart is no longer existant...my love has it in her hands...and she didnt want it and it shattered...im hoping in time she will not only remember me but remember that i will wait for her....and love her all of my life...i will believe until im on my deathbed that she and i should be together....im sorry for rambling on but can this be true....can this actually be the end of what i thought was an amazing relationship? She always said that if you cry more than you smile in a relationship you should leave it...well what ever happened to WORK IT OUT some of us with quick tempers cant turn a switch and have it work but we can do that for a lot of other changes...which is what i did...and because my temper didnt go away as fast as anything else she broke up with me....but thats not all she broke it off with me for.....apperantly i am like a child...and she didnt see a future with me....im sorry but i can only understand 2 of those....you are supposed to plan for the future BUT make it your own so you can make memories of not only completing your plans but of the extra shit you did along the way....either way reguardless the reason im still alone and she seems happy cause of it...and thats what i want is for her to be happy so if that means i never hear from her again but she stays happy then let it happen....i know i will be forgotten by her at some point but she will never be forgotten in my shattered heart.....i love daniela cueto whether or not we are together idc i love her always and forever...

[goldenshamy]

I know i said i had one post i lied...sorry i have 2 of course i had something to give you for Valentine's day and i wanna give it to you just cause one of them is a somewhat represents our similarities its a cute black and white bunny which at the time i got it i just thought it was adorable and you would like it but now its a bunny with complete opposite colors they have nothing in common but yet they work so well together....like our love for each other is the only thing we need not just cause we look good together but we actually have enough likes and dislikes to compliment one another amazingly so just cause we dont have alot in common we can still compliment each other and make us feel better as a couple...yes we dont have alot to go on when you look at it as similarities but if you look at it as complimentary traits we are not only compatible but we fit together dam near perfectly! And....lost my train of thought...fuck....oh wait found it! So but looking at plans for the future....you have a plan in turn since i got day by day you can have a plan for me....for our video games well...i can try yours...and i can only hope you will play with me on mine daniela i love you and as i have said time and time again i will fight for this relationship but it takes 2 to tango and one of us doesnt know how to dance....so please teach me and take me back....all i want is you beside me if that requires us taking a step back and living a part for a while but still being a couple then ill do it!!! If it takes time for you...well....us to calm down then fine tell me when you are calm but tell me you want to be mine...i know neither of us want to be alone for valentine's day...i know its valentine's day everyday but still lets make it a holiday and make it the day we get back together....please daniela all i want is your happiness and i know how much pain you are going through.....let me help you end the pain and give you a relationship youll love your whole life...

[goldenshamy]

I need help I really do when I went to look for someone to be my gf the one I would love and do anything for I found Daniela. At first I didn't have and confidence in the relationship but the longer I pushed all my negativity back to the back of my head the more I loved her. She was amazing I loved everything about her...she was my life and I keep thinking if I fight for this I will win her back I need to keep fighting I need to keep moving closer but I don't know how long to wait...I would wait an eternity if I needed to but it would be an unbearable eternity just for the fact I don't want any other woman in my life I want her of course I had a quick temper but she saw through it and knew how to calm me down faster than anything else I could have imagined. She was the one that put perspective into my eyes. She is the one who changed me for the better. She is the one and only I would ever change for. Hell I would even like stuff I never liked if I could only be with her at least one more day...I want to prove to her that I love her I want to be the guy to help her in all her endeavors she left me with the words inevitable split...we were never going to be a split if she would have been willing to let me keep changing in her arms I would have changed for the better...now that we have split I can't stop thinking someone is influencing her decision because the woman I loved would want to try and make it work...the woman I loved would try and let me change or changed herself to make it work that is why love conquers all because love will push you to change to make it work and Daniela is you do read this PLEASE LET ME LOVE YOU I WANT TO CHANGE TO MAKE IT WORK. I hope she doesn't just skim past this I want her to know my feelings I want her to know that I will wait whatever time I need I just need to know how long....I would rather give up everything of value around us than let us split...if it means I need to sew my mouth shut then that is what I will do....I love Daniela no one will change that and no time will make me not regret all the hardships I caused with my emotions for what it's worth I'm on my parents couch with just the clothes on my back and I don't care what it takes I will fight for this...just please Daniela if you do read all of this we need to stay together just give me a chance to change I know you aren't asking but this is why love conquers all let me show you the power of love let us get back together just let me do what I've been doing since we got together let me change this time for the better please...

[goldenshamy]

She doesn't want to hug she doesn't want to kiss she obviously doesn't want me around....she says that it will take time to get over what I did....well seeing that I fucked up I'm trying to fix it all and she wants no part of helping to fix it....she is the love of my life and I fucked up so bad I can't live with myself...she is my one and only...but she is acting like she wants anyone but me I don't know what to do she usually says leave her alone which makes me cry cause I can't be a helping part of her life and I'm always told no one wants to be around me unless I'm being made fun of or being put down by others...she is the only one that doesn't do that in turn I would rather live in a cardboard box and have her next to me constantly than live in a nice place and be constantly apart...right now not only do I regret what I did but I'm starting to regret proposing and being in this life and being part of reality....I should never have been born according to my parents....well I'm starting to agree cause I think I just ruined the life of the one person in this world that treated me amazingly....I can't stop replaying the night over and over in my head....it's so bad I want to die...this changed her from the fun loving person I fell in love with to being this distant girl of which I have dated many like her (her being the distant girl) in the past but I couldn't love them and now I have her and I think I broke her fun loving attitude toward me because not only does she not trust me but she pulls away on a hug she avoids kisses and refuses to make eye contact....if this doesn't describe an abuse victim Idk what does and as I said before I didn't hit her and from my sense of touch I didn't think I pulled her hand away from my face that hard but apparently I did....and thanks to her in the beginning I stopped be suicidal well now thanks to what I have done she seems like she wants nothing to do with me and that I'm forcing her into this relationship IM NOT she says she wants to be with me and I don't feel it but she does and I trust her for it...but now that I have lost her trust now I'm not trusted anymore nor do I think she will trust me ever...I guess this is what the typical guy doesn't give a shit about....but I'm not a typical guy I hate this feeling I hate being distant...I've been distant all my life I don't need more distance I need more tlc and I just fucked that up so bad I can't live with myself....yes I want to die now and the reason behind it is the look in her eyes when she sees me isn't joy anymore it's fear....I can't live like this....she is my love and should not fear me she should be happy to see me not dread the moment...I want to die because I think I have now ruined her view not only of me but of all men....granted I'm not the first bf to do something wrong and this isn't my first time doing something wrong but SHE WONT LET ME HELP (again the reason I cry more than smile cause she always wants to be alone to try and fix it on her own) and that's all I've been trying to do after I apologized to her everytime.....I love her with ever fiber of my being I just wish I wasn't such a screw up....when I look into her eyes it looks like she is looking at a big red pen "x" over me....I'm such a screw up and I'm sorry for it......

[goldenshamy]

I never thought my heart could break so easily...fuck! who am I kidding it's been broke time and time again...and by different people each time...I recently came across an ex of mine and I couldn't stand to even see a hint of her screen name let alone listen to something she had to say...I don't think I have cried as much as my ex made me....well now I can safely say I have....once my gf fell asleep last night...she is my one and only...well she also said last night that if you are in a relationship where you cry more than you smile you should leave....well I have cried more than smiled in this current relationship mostly because I'm alone....thanks to her 2 jobs and school she has no time for ANYONE honestly I went over last night thinking I'm just gonna curl up cuddle and sleep....no her annoying little piece of...nope not going there even on this blog...but her little brother was spending the night...of which is like me and hates losing even if it means putting people in a situation where they are uncomfortable....he does it every time and it pisses me off every time....well this time I broke....my gf put her hands over my eyes while I was playing and my instinct kicked in where if you are uncomfortable in a situation you are forced into you fight with all you got...well not being able to see...scared me more than anything....she knows how uncomfortable I am when playing in those situations and she still wanted to mess with me...I'm sorry I lashed out...I've been saying it all night and I'm still saying it...well now I don't think she loves me.....I don't think she ever could after what I did....right now thanks to that I want to die....I want it over with fast So I don't hurt anyone else....and I'm scared I'm going to....I just want to remove the danger....we'll if I'm a threat I need to be eliminated.....

[goldenshamy]

I love how people get you to open up then completely back hand you once your guard is down....it's happened to every gf before dani and now I'm starting to see the same trend they all have followed....it's called finding out from someone/something else....I don't mind talking even if I am the one that fucked up and at the beginning of my relationship I sat quietly and didn't talk....now that I'm open she is shut in....there is only one thing that will make me instantly walk away....but there are 2 thing's that are close enough to it to make me want to but not.....one of them being talking....if your gonna open me up you better dam well stay open for me....I'm 2 seconds from walking away from this amazing relationship because of this fucking site....the fact that her blog finds out her feelings faster than her talking to me.....think about it...if you have time to blog you have time to pull me aside and tell me that something is wrong....and watch her not even see this post.....after all I don't post much but when I do it's a novel....whether it's happy or sad it's still long as ever....still I just wonder I'm not mad anymore I'm annoyed as any man in my position would be....but I just wanna know why we don't talk much anymore....she is busy and I get it....so am I....but if it means saving/taking part in my relationship I'll do anything in my power to make a hole....seems like I'm starting to become more of a side project than a significant other....every time I try and do something with her it's either I'm working or I'm too tired......I miss my old gf.....with one job and looking to spend time with the people she cares about.......granted I'm kinda an over protective guy when it comes to her and her friends.....but still I would rather be jealous than a side project.....and right now I'm getting attention from her which is great because before this 2 job thing I felt ignored.....but if she had 1 job and kept the attention span for me that she has now she would still have time for her friends and her mom....who am I kidding she isn't gonna give either of those up....she is too happy and both....and as for me.....fuck it I'll deal....I'm just so tired of her not talking and when she is it's just excuse after excuse....if she sees this I'm hoping for a phone call...but watch I doubt I'll even get a text goodnight

[goldenshamy]

People love me and people hate me but today is among one of the worst I had ever...I did have a shining moment when my gf actually picked up the phone and we spent time together but that moment is over and im finally seeing through the veil that clouds my vision of people's true colors.....seems like I have fewer people that like me than I ever had..........I usually have 2-3 that like me when all colors are shown but now I am down to one....yes...one and only one....my gf Daniela she is my one shining light in this dark abyss you all like to call a world she is the only reason I still call myself "worthwhile" because she thinks so....and if she thinks so then it must be somewhat true....but I have caught all my friends and my family in a huge fucking lie....NONE OF THEM CARE AT ALL!!!! I really dont want to say what I am thinking right now cause I know Dani will kill me.....but still im starting to fall back to where I was when I moved....helpless, alone, and wanting but not recieving any form of care...right now I am 1 of the three...next step is alone....which calling my wonderous gf a few times and texting her once with no avail...tells me that shit is going down up with her family but then again....with her no answers or responces I shouldnt feel this but I do and I am starting to feel alone....one more step left and I will give up.....and lose all trust for anyone and everyone....hurray for not being physically able to cry.....or else I would look like I just walked out of the shower with all my clothes on....someone once told me....dont live or make a home out of a place you dont FEEL welcome.....I feel more welcome sleeping in my car than anywhere remotely close to my parents....aka I wouldnt wanna sleep in the same state if I could avoid it....back to the issue that people wanna know what it is....well my mother is saying im a waste of space that I dont help out around the house (i have 3 jobs...) and that I am incompetent and completely worthless in every possable way.....there is no greater insult to someone that looks to you for guidance and approval than shooting them down saying how worthless they are and how they do nothing and if they did something then they would do it wrong....well I looked to my parents for such feelings....and that is a general idea as to what I got back.... I dont want to be part of a household that hates its members....I wanna feel loved, appreciated, and most of all...WANTED...of which I am none in this house I live in atm....to them im a worthless failure and couldnt be worth anything even if I tried.... With that in mind imma try and go home and ignore the failure of which I am, feel, and will be....

[goldenshamy]

Ever have a guilty thought? Of course everyone has! Are you scared of something....again everyone is! Usually its only one thing...mine....well...mine has a special name....anxiety...and its a bitch...for the past few weeks ive had constant attacks and I think ive been annoying my gf by asking her to hang out almost every day...I hope I havent and of course all the "what if"s are coming back...like what if I am annoying her or what if something is going on that I dont know about or what if im an asshole of a bf or what if she doesnt trust me...what if she leaves me cause I did something wrong....no matter what the "what if" question is it scares the fuck out of me and I find it hard to talk to her about it cause I cant express myself in the right set of words to NOT piss her off...of course she is super understanding of my lack of language skills and she still cares for me and loves me and everything! She is undoubtedly the best gf of all but I cant help but worry about those "what if" situations cause she really isnt like any other girl...I have all the reason in the world to trust her and absolutely no reason not to trust her yet my conscience is telling me dont...im refusing to listen to it but its causing so much internal pain im starting to cry myself to sleep....I need these feelings to go away so I can live my life without fear of anything....I just need to get this out somewhere but again....what if she gets mad from seeing this...I dont want her mad...thats not what im here for...im in her life to make things better NOT WORSE!!! And im afraid that I am making it worse...:'( I dont want her to leave me ever...I wanna talk I really do....but im really not good at talking to people in a way not to hurt them and still get my point across...im sorry to all those who hate me for it....and im sorry to all of those that I have hurt just by talking...I dont want to hurt anyone by talking but im scared to write about it and people should know about it...im good at math but anything that isnt numbers I cant even compete with a monkey and win...I love my gf with all my heart and trust her completely....well everything but my conscience trusts her...but my conscience judges on the past and if a situation arises how well I can jump in and screw it up or help it along and I hate how it does that....because I have the girl of my dreams and the family of...well lets not get too mushy...but the job could use some work...but still I have the girl of my dreams as my gf and she trusts me completely idk why my conscience cant trust her it has every fucking reason to...yet it wont...I know thats not anywhere remotely a good thing but I think im getting out of the rut...but still the anxiety will be there for those "what if" moments but they should go away with time....a lot of time....but still time...again I cant say how sorry I am for not being able to talk like a normal human being and I think I wrote enough to say way more than my fair share...but I need to at least apologize for my conscience and my lack of the ability to talk but I always want to say I love you with every fiber of my being to my gf....I really hope I dont hurt her by posting this...but i got to tell her somehow :'(

[goldenshamy]

I cant believe how sad I was last night...I keep hearing about how all these guys keep hitting on my gf and it just makes me think....thats how all my other relationships ended....and it all started with a "hello" I mean really are guys out in the world that despirate that they need to hit on my gf infront of me....it really scares me that she might get interested in another guy it has me so scared that I may lose her that I actually almost cried infront of her....I feel bad for having such low trust in everyone but with the amount of times I got burnt....well...this time im out of ice and I cant afford to get burned so I got my oven mitts on and im ready for the flames...it hurts when her friends act more possessive over her than me and see her being ok with it....I hate myself for my feelings when im in a situation like that cause I try and be playful and happy but they see it as anger....well at least I know the vail im putting over my actual feelings is thin....but still the fact that she has had feelings for her friends at one point or another makes me wonder if they will try again....and if they do what will happen...I cant stand it when my gf and her guy friends hang out when im not there....cause idk whats going on behind closed doors....everyone could be lieing to me for all I know....I need to stop feeling like this but this is how the world has shaped me....I have gotten rid of friends altogether because they said something about her that I didnt like...I want to set boundaries with her but she isnt the kind of girl that wouldnt mind it....she would feel enclosed and forced into likeing me and im not like that....I want her to want me and right now the only couple of ways I feel like she cares about me is when we are cuddling or having sex....I mean there are the couple of times where its something else but those dont happen enough to count them....I mean think about it....she has canceled a date for us because she isnt feeling good then I see all this stuff on how she had so much fun and some place with a bunch of friends.....granted that happend once....and it was a while ago....doesnt make it hurt any less....by this point I think im ranting but this is why I dont share my thoughts cause they arent what people want to hear....all this is gonna go is put her in tears and im sorry for that plus im gonna feel about a million times worse but im at the point where im crying myself to sleep cause I think that one day soon I will lose my gf to some joe shmoe off the streets and I will never trust another soul again....do I trust my gf? Absolutely! Do I trust others around her behind closed doors.....not one bit and I really am sorry for all this bullshit but im in pain and seeing a guy hit on my gf just makes me think of how many more do I not hear about.....are they all like that to the point where they almost whip out their dick to get her? Im sorry for my thoughts but these are what everyone keeps fucking asking for and because it upsets me.....I know it will upset the others that know who they are in here....and that is why I NEVER say what im thinking.....I love talking to my gf but she sometimes falls asleep as im talking to her and I just shut up and hold it in and cry myself to sleep....I hope no one takes this the wrong way and thinks im pissed.....im sad and really depressed.....and dont want to be...I love my gf with all my heart and will do anything for her....but id like to find a way to stop all these guys from flirting with her....so my self esteem can rise up enough so I wont care....but as long as the is the "behind closed doors effect" my self esteem isnt going anywhere....again im sorry for sharing my thoughts and I promise ill stop soon....but thats prolly not soon enough....

[goldenshamy]

Im so tired of my parents fucking up my plans no matter what....tonight I tried to be a good bf and show my gf I can cook.....so I was going to cook a great dinner for her and my mother just told me about 2.5 hours before im suppoed to have the dinner mostly cooked that im not allowed to cook because she is gonna sleep on the couch tonight...she is there cause she thinks she has bed bugs in her room....SHE REFUSES TO USE THE SPARE BEDROOM....so instead of sleeping in a bed in a completely different room....she chooses to ruin my plans and both my parents think that reimbursing me for the food is plenty to fix the issue....how bout this cunt of a mother I have actually gives a shit about what I plan instead of going and fucking it up cause she is too scared to be upstairs any longer than 10 min because she saw a bug....this bitch has ruined my plans constantly and cant realize how many tears I shed.....im just glad ive gotten so good at hiding the fact that I completely break down and cry when she becomes inconsiderate that everyone thinks we are a happy family.....I want out of this house so bad if this shit happens again im gonna quit college and work full time so I can move out and keep my gf happy and so I can make plans that wont be cancelled by parents that seem like they WANT to fuck up my plans...

[goldenshamy]

First post ever!

I may not be the best at having this blog thing but I gotta say I undoubtedly have the best girlfriend ever and reason for that is cause she knows when im down even if I dont say anything its like she can read my mind. Im so glad I have her in my life cause if I didnt...well...lets not go that route...but I can say that she has held me back from a lot of stupid decisions in my life and she has helped me through others...but the memory of my sister no one can ever heal and every time the day comes around its like the depressed version of christmas cause I get extremely sad the day before and when the day comes (which just so happens to be today) I usually cant function at all but because she was there for me yesterday I was not only able to function but I was even able to hold back my emotions till after work. Most people never think of me to be the emotional type but its true that I am. And thanks to my wonderous girlfriend I can hide them even better. I just wish that I could talk to people about it without breaking down but my sister was the best friend/guardian I ever had/will have I just wish she was here today to see how everyone has turned out but thanks to her (several times) I am here today. I just wish she was too :'( R.I.P. Sasha