kommikoira

[kommikoira]

2024_06_06 // love: complicated, all-encompassing, necessary

happy pride month to every queer person out there and shinji's birthday also to every queer person. today i will take on the sisyphean task of explaining love to some degree, as it's veen affecting me greatly lately.

so. love. i believe love comes in many different types- all of which show themselves in various forms. first and foremost you have the obvious ones, platonic, self, and romantic love which many people experience to some degree in their lives. these things affect everybody differently, especially when intimacy, sex, ace-spec, limerance and come into the equation. then there is the love that you can experience from the world and all things within it and the love some have in return for all things, which i will call divine love and universal love.

as this is my blog, i will mainly be touching on my own experiences with these things and how they have affected, shaped, and impacted me. to begin with, i would say that i am a person who is filled with love, there is so much love within me, particularly platonic and universal love. so much so that i find myself overwhelmed by it in my daily life (so you can imagine how i feel on mushrooms). i crave nothing more than to craft a perfect world for myself and those around me and would be willing to martyr myself immediately if it meant i could foster a process by which humanity and life could be saved from itself and the pain that too often characterizes it. i care for those close to me unyieldingly, willing to do absolutely whatever i can to ensure they have comfortable lives and grow into people they can love, yet i cannot express all of this as quickly as it fills me, especially with my schizoid personality disorder, leaving me in a place where i have to resign to pray that i hopefully express this adequately and frequently enough so that others may understand.

self-love is something I have never had a problem with, however younger, previous iterations of me have definitely had problems with it, and i have seen many struggle themselves with such things, which pains me to a degree as i wish they could simply see how great they are or could be. often, it is simply a matter of needing to grow and wanting to see for themselves that leads to the realization in most, in my experience and observations.

now, it's time for the one i struggle with the most.

i would consider myself on the aromantic spectrum to a degree, but not for the reasons you may think. the person I am is one who is extremely in-tune with themselves to a degree of being basically unaffected by many things and able to personify and practice my principles to a level i haven't seen from too many others, but much of that comes from experience. one thing i lack experience in is romantic love, which leads my mind to immediately have a disadvantage at navigating it, and with such heavy consequences on the line, it isn't something i am too privy to work at through trial-and-error. the next reason is a result of my autism and schizoid personality disorder. both things as well as just the person i am make me both not particularly inclined to give constant affirmation or physical affection or even attention, all of which can be problematic in a romantic relationship in my observation. both of these things culminate into a desire to avoid romance and romantic attraction, which i have openly expressed, so all is fine then, yes? no. the problem is no matter how hard i fucking try, i cannot purge this love type from my mind and heart. every single iteration of me other than one has tried to a degree and nothing has worked, only reduced it, which leads to an annoying problem of mine.

emotions of mine that are too specific, complex, and difficult to describe i compartmentalize under a distinct noun. for example, i have The Dictator, the King of the Graveyard, the Esher, the Evereffervescence, and the topic of this discussion- the Weeping Cardinal. the Weeping Cardinal, in the easiest way i could describe it, is effectively a paradoxical yearing and negative reinforcement loop that my brain can fall into, exemplifying one of my catch 22s in regards to romantic love. i am in pain because i do not and cannot have that sort of love becauses me to be in pain. the feeling is a disgusting yearning yet something so beautiful and human within me.

speaking of human, my inhumanity has a part to play in this mess as well, as because of it i have effectively convinced myself i am not ever capable of doing romantic love healthily and properly. my inhumanity is not just from my therianthropy is why this is.

now, for that second catch 22. when my mind makes the mistake of falling in love with somebody, i do not act normally toward them, as i find it harder to regulate myself as i often do in the face of such strong and specific attraction, therefore i begin to fear that the integrity of the friendship may be at stake, but then if such a love for some reason progressed, i would be now in a relationship that is obviously doomed to fail for the previously mentioned reasons i said before, leaving me with my second catch 22. if i don't do the relationship, the friendship will be jeopardized, and if i do, then the friendship will be jeopardized.

and now you know why i don't do romance in the best way i can explain. welcome to my love dilemmas. i want to give the world to my friends but i do not have the means to do so, i want to save the world but i may not be able to, and i yearn for romance but know i could never do it, so i shut myself off from it.

this post isn't meant to be negative, as i hope the first half really exemplified just how much love is in my heart and how much i love you, yes You! even if you're somebody i haven't met yet or somebody i want gone permanently from my life, i love you a lot and hope you can return the favor by loving those around you just as unconditionally.

happy pride month :)

#blog post #pride month #aromantic #divine love #universal love #unconditional love #i love you #yes #you reading the tags #hope this shed some light into my weird broken beautiful mind #or at least that's how i see it

[kommikoira]

"but alex sharpiepaws, if i don't use social media, how will i know when things happen! i'm not going to check every individual website every day in case something new has happened" we've had a solution for this since 1999 and it's called an rss feed. it takes zero time to make an update on the webmaster's end and there are a bajillion different free rss feed readers out there on the web visitor's end. and, guess what. if you use an rss feed you don't need to make an account on some site you'd otherwise have no interest in using just because someone you like the work of uses it!

[kommikoira]

[kommikoira]

2024_05_27 // minun on puhdistettava

expect this one to be a bit rambley and short, it's a full-blown schizotypal rant, but not a real blog post. i just need to get some long-form thoughts out.

i feel like i cannot escape this spectre. immediately it has thrusted itself into my life and now i cannot escape it. within days i have seen it dominate the conduit. i know there is nothing genuinely vindictive occuring, but my mind keeps creating these ideas. at first i thought it would be fun to act against, but that may have upset the tao and now i feel i am being punished by feeling like an egregore is forming and staring at me. i feel like i should just switch my stance but where i am now is hard to jump directly away from without some response, and thus we are here. i will not elaborate on the nature, form, or anything else of this spectre as that may give it more power over my entropy.

god damn, i am going mad, aren't i? and over absolutely nothing. i think her posts and videos didn't help. there is nothing affecting my entropy, but my deluded mind wants me to think so. the worst part is this spectre is particularly effecting darius and neuvonta, so that's annoying.

thinking in russian exclusively seems to help the problem, but it is very difficult as i tend to think in an incoherent mixture of language, picture, feelings, images, and concepts to explain the bare minimum.

it started with that interaction, ironically one technically possible and tangible for the spectre, but now i think about it in her terms and it got a lot worse. this is unhealthy and this spectre is wildly powerful, i can understand the grip. i just need to calm down and rationalize before something of note happens.

fixation over incarnation.

i need to replay portal 2

#blog post #eagle eyed viewers may have caught something #schizotypal delusion rant #send help #thou must embrace the rot

[kommikoira]

2024_05_02 // mixup in the mindspace

so, i have had an eventful last few days. last night most of me was informed about something very distressing. i have explained what it was on my private twitter account but i wanted to go into more detail and give my thoughts on the matters. first, some context.

i am a system of 12 operating as one independent person. there is no "me." the me that you know is 12 beings who learned to talk with one mouth. the members of that system, until lately, have been puppy, wolfie, camellia, roberta, hushy, eden, menthol, socks, laika, and a factive who was considering changing her name. i will call her rowan for the extent of this post.

rowan tended to be pretty whacky and generally obnoxious but in a sweetly self-aware way. she generally sort of made light of most things and has a bit of trouble expressing feelings due to that, but was ultimately a very easy and enjoyable person to share a head with. as you can probably tell by my use of past tense (or if i've already told you what happened) you can assume something has happened to her. unlike the rest of my introjects, she had a very very hard time seperating herself from her source. now, seeing as her source was somebody real, young, and that i didn't know very directly, the real one was inevitably going to change, and they did in a very dramatic way. this threw rowan into a major identity crisis that resulted in them spiraling, which we tried to assist with as much as possible. in the end, it seems her and socks made some sort of agreement a bit less than two weeks ago and rowan integrated into her, effectively ending her life and awareness.

this fact was dropped on the rest of me by socks last night, which has come at an already turbulent crossroads in the mind, as in the last few days we have officially recognized and welcome two new headmates. a kin who fully materialized, vizlet, and an entirely new headmate, neuvonta. all of this happening within such a short time is probably contributing to my recent change lately, and if you have been negatively impacted by such a change then i would like to give my formal and utmost apologies.

i've basically just repeated what i said on twitter, but now i want to go more into what this will mean for me and my feelings on it.

first, i will explain the ramifications of these changes and why they are so substantial. as i said before, "i" do not exist. I am a collection of beings able to speak with a single mouth. now, i have gotten new headmates in the time i have known some of my friends, which has changed me but not substantially in my eyes. this case is a bit different. i haven't lost a headmate since the Hole (unless you count the creation of menthol). this, as you can tell, has lead to some changes, and getting two more headmates around the same time has only added to those changes. everybody changes, including me, and it's not like i will be unidentifiable, but i am changed now. fundamentally and forever.

now, my thoughts. apologies in advance if this section is a bit disorganized. so first, i want to just say how shocking this has been for me. i have been moving so fast and changing these last few days that i haven't even had time to look back and reflect on it. this brings to mind the other times i have lost headmates. four in particular stand out in my mind: cyril, ren, eugene, and camille. cyril was one of the few times i had a genuinely antagonistic force in my head. he spoke in garbled sounds and bits of russian i had heard from the tv and exasperated my paranoia and schizotypal as a kid for about two and a half years, but he was locked away in the depths of my brain for years once i was strong enough. ren was a tragic tale, and that most like rowan's. he was a fictive who was constantly scared, completely shocked to the core by coming into my head. he couldn't handle it and ultimately took his own life. eugene and camille, alongside cyril and two others, suffered the same fate. we went into the Hole, and they never came back. after nearly 3 years, i only now feel okay saying this publicly. i want to think they were able to make it out. maybe they rode the vast unconscious like a greyhound and found somewhere else where they were more suited, but part of me wonders if they're still down there, and i have almost been tempted to look a lot of times. but when i think about ren, i feel so much grief. i feel so bad, thinking that my mind facilitated that suffering and that they were drove to that. it makes me wonder if i am responsible enough to be this way. i hear people talk about how they wish they were plural like me, and unlike others, i am not offended by that, but i sometimes think they don't get how hard it can be navigating so many individuals in one mind trying to act like a single person. but, i take a breath, it isn't my choice what my headmates do and don't do. all we can do, is try and facilitate a space that makes all current and future members of me feel comfortable and able to. now, i just want to take a moment to think about how far we have all come. puppy has gotten so much better at not letting her loyalty be her fault, and instead use it to bolster herself and relationships. roberta has gotten better at leaving life to luck and not worrying each thing and being paranoid about monsters lying in wait. menthol has grown from a shitty, half-baked factive that fused with a fucking master shake fictive to their own person with morals, convictions, and rational personality. darius and camellia have seen more shit than anyone of us and have handled and managed it insanely well. laika has also been dealing with her exotrauma well. when i think about these things, i think that's i am doing alright. rowan made her choice and, as shocking and painful as it may be, we'll get through it. we always do.

#blog post #this one was hard guys #plurality #dissociatives #please be kind

[kommikoira]

2024_04_30 // veganism and the state of consumption

i would consider myself somebody who enjoys eating. i have in the past spent more than i should having an enjoyable meal to treat myself despite it not being the best idea. as a person with autism, my relationship with food is very complex and the fact i enjoy eating adds complications to that.

historically, i have been very close-minded about eating food, new food. i was the epitome of the child who wants to eat 5 things (except i hated ketchup and still do). luckily, as i got older i was more and more interested in trying food. broadening my palette, which an old friend of my grandmother who was addicted to gambling loved to facilitate. i could write a whole post about that relationship and how it affected me, and maybe i will one day, but for now, back on track. food.

as of writing this, i eat all but red meat. pork, fish, and chicken are parts of my diet, but i have been coming to question this choice for a myriad of reasons. taste and convenience are, obviously, not reasons i am considering this. on the topic of convenience, that leads me to my first point.

"convenience makes it so easy to fall back into the pattern, and i'm frustrated with myself for it as well. the constant cycle of "service -> sell the unsustainable service -> service needs investors/advertisers..." -em essex (2024)

this quote is in regards to the centralized net and the doomed collapse of the social media industry, but it got me thinking about the role that convenience plays in my life. as an american i am relatively used to convenience, despite having never been middle class before. but i am no stranger to fast food, pre-made meals, and buying meat at the grocery store. there is always a cost for convenience, and under capitalism it is generally either exploitation or cutting corners. the meat industry convenient for both reason. cenny's video on zoophilia and the role it plays in the furry fandom opened my eyes to the systemic abuse of animals in the meat and dairy industry and how little people seem to actually care. historically, i have said i would never ever be a vegan because it didn't align with my morals in the belief of the intimacy of life consuming other life to live, but i think that relationship has been warped and abhorred by capitalism and so makes it even more against my morals to continue to consume meat and animal products under such a system. i will make it clear now that i would not chose to go vegan because i am against eating meat, i think when done with respect and intention it can be a very respectful and irreverent as an experience, but such things are unable to be done under capitalism at this point.

the other main reason in my mind as i have become an increasing believer in animal rights and the equality of life. animals are living, intelligent beings who are exploited and in need of liberation from bourgeois oppression just like the rest of us. human supremacy is going to come to be challenged in the anthropocene as human development skyrockets and irreparably changes the planet, so as a therian i understand more than lots of people the affects of human supremacy on society.

i will try and inact this change in my life in the coming years.

#blog post #veganism #animal rights #animal-bourgeois relationship #kommikoira #therian #fuck ketchup

[kommikoira]

heavily recommend this album, it's very good computer music

#music recs #greenhouse #halley labs #lapfox trax #i have been listening to this and the other greenhouse exclusively this week #their simplicity and simultaneous depth is very inspiring #mantis and 露華 are the best tracks

[kommikoira]

2024_04_29 // thoughts on my internet presence

[the following is generally both a paraphrased and expanded upon explanation of ideas shared on twitter]

seeing as i am kind of getting sick with the way things are on the current internet, i am definitely interested in either pursuing a life outside of it or making my own space on it, rather than being a part of the massive commercialized central net.

the latter definitely is easier to a degree, considering where i am at the moment and the current people in my life, but it is no longer as appealing. i have been increasingly interested in understanding decentralized communications networks or simply self-hosting communications services like an RSS feed for myself, seeing as twitter is basically my little microblog where i post little thoughts i have had that day or try to share ideas.

in their blog, em essex said "the walled gardens are growing higher and higher and are just horrible to navigate." and i definitely agree. so many of the centralized massive communication networks people have been used to using or even born into are finally reaching their limits of growth and are shifting to total profit maximization and/or bolstering and fueling certain political views and debates. the twitter and tumblr of 2016 are gone.

i am looking into hopefully understanding mastodon or matrix a bit better but ultimately i am losing more and more interest in social media as a hobby as i find myself less interested in meeting new people, having already met and made friends with so many people i strived to for years. i mainly like it for art. i am more interested in keeping a blog and having a place to soon share my creative works and learning journey. social media does seem like a necessary thing for a while once i start making music for the purposes of sharing it, so that's a bummer.

#just a little blog post #haven't used tumblr in probably a decade almost? #decentralized web #death of the free internet #msx has the right idea it seems #STRIKE ME DOWN TRANSPHOBIC CEO

[kommikoira]

My three girlfriends. And yes, they smoke weed.