lightsinthesky

[lightsinthesky]

For anyone who has found themselves here:

Thank you for reading. I hope you have found utility in my experience, thoughts, and feelings expressed. After careful consideration, I have determined it's time for me to take an indefinite pause and redirect my creative energies towards more meaningful pursuits.

These chronicles will remain digitally etched in time for your reference/enjoyment/critique/whatever...

I thank anyone who took the time to take a peak and I hope that any of it was in any way helpful or useful or interesting.

Until next time...

J

[lightsinthesky]

“Gimme one half dozen

blunt-force concussions

crack my head in two

just don't put me through

saying, ‘I love you’”

PART I. (of III.): The Ramblings of a Fool (in Love)

There’s about 9,000,000,000 songs about love. Quadruple that number for heartbreak. Just look at Taylor Swift's discography for a microcosm of evidence...

Anyway, I don’t exactly know how to approach this topic without getting very personal, but I’ll do my best to keep it somewhat vague out of respect.

The short version is this: Love is #1 for me. It manifests itself in my life in so many ways, but in terms of personal importance, personal identity, and what I want most out of life, that committed, forever partnership/romantic love is at the absolute top of the hierarchy. I’m sappy enough to take the John Lennon, “all you need is love” approach to life. Not that I think *only love* is enough, but rather that it’s a very safe and encouraging foundation from which to be stable, grateful, and happy in an overall sense. We are social creatures by nature and the kind of connection experienced with someone you can see spending your life with is profound. It’s not disposable. It’s precious and deserves care, attention, and effort to cultivate and build. I’m of the mind that I could live in a cardboard box, but if it’s with the one I truly love and hold above all else, I could still be happy. The good thing for me is that I’m stable enough to not have to worry about that…

This is part one of what will be (at least) a three-part odyssey on the topic. While I plan to explore the idea of love overall, I’m starting at a place very specific to where I am in my life right now. I’m hoping I will one day be able to look back on this and laugh. But I’m nowhere close to that yet… I’m in a conundrum and at a bit of a crossroads with the whole thing.

First and foremost: I do not crave a relationship or simple distraction. Casual dating has long since run its course for me. That’s not at all what this is about. I don’t have the patience or energy to give anything to anyone who I’m not all-in on. My sense of self-worth and self-respect doesn’t stem from external validation. I’ve been there before and it was awful in every sense. I’d rather spend every night alone than with anyone other than the person I love in the truest sense. So that’s at the very least a good starting point in terms of my intentions and being receptive to what I want and deserve out of life.

Where I stand right now is that I have an extremely specific idea of what love looks like for me. And I have no avenue by which to pursue it. This errs into extremely personal territory, so I will just leave it at the fact that my hopeless romanticism coupled with the experience(s) I’ve had has left me craving something very particular. And to accept that I will never get back what it is that I want has shaken me to my foundational core. The fears have cropped up: why? Is there any chance I could ever experience something like this again? Am I doomed to experience unrequited love and die alone because I can’t move past it? More questions of why? The questioning and confusion has led me down a path of deep introspection in terms of “what am I doing wrong” to not successfully breeze past all this. And the hard truth is that, as someone who wears his heart on his sleeve and loves with intense ferocity, commitment, and dedication, it’s just my nature that has led to this. Ultimately, I have no choice but to continue to endure. I don’t know what the timeline is for moving on, but I sure as hell can’t see it from where I currently stand. It's a hypothetical point far past the horizon.

My fear in all of this stems from the fact that the most important thing in life to me has more or less been "ruined." I trust not permanently, but I am so closed off to even the idea of finding what I crave elsewhere that if Margot Robbie herself were to profess her love for me, I’d have to sigh and say “sorry, you ain’t it.” And that is maddening for so many reasons.

So back to that need. Again, it’s not a relationship. It’s not attention. It’s not companionship. It's not sex. I get my social fix from the bonds of friendship. Romantic love hits different. It’s something else entirely. In this realm, I am absolutely unwilling to settle in any capacity. I’m not OK with “good enough.” I know the lightning-strike feeling of star-crossed lovers and experiencing things on a spiritual level. I know what it means to see someone to their core and adore every molecule and thought that comprises them. Authenticity is key. Part of what’s making this even harder is *because* my self-worth is at an all-time high, I deem myself worthy and capable of being a great partner. So I find myself asking “why” over and over and how I’m not enough. And the simple truth is I’ll never receive any answer that satisfies. It is what it is. I hate that phrase, but I guess it’s the kind of cop-out form of radical acceptance.

I was never one to believe in timing. I have trust that everything happens as it’s supposed to or “should” (another word I hate). So I believe in this whole process unfolding in the way it has. I’ve learned what I’m capable of enduring. I’ve learned of my capacity for growth through extreme pain and discomfort and, ultimately, I know I’m going to emerge stronger than I ever knew possible. But I’m kind of sick of the lessons. I get it. I’m not tied to anything in terms of outcomes, I just want to stop feeling the way that I feel. My life on paper is pretty magnificent. It’s peaceful and my needs are more than met. I have a few lingering problems, but nothing that’s life-or-death and nothing that won’t have its inevitable conclusion in a few months’ time.

But in regard to where I am, timing was kind of a bitch. The cruel irony (?) in all of this is that now would be so much better. I had stability at the outset, but I was still cultivating so much self-knowledge and steadily working towards that profound moment of self-actualization. Now that I’m here (and will continue to grow into it), I’m like. “Fuck, now would’ve been so much better.” But again, I don’t dictate timelines and how things unfold. I trust in all of this having some form of utility in the context of my never-ending growth and journey through life. But to hit that deep moment of realization and see everything in retrospect so much more clearly, it’s extremely difficult not to kick myself.

I sit, day in and day out, doing my best to smash the delusion of the feelings that I feel. I wake up every morning with the same thought. I go to bed every night with the thought. Time, the supposed universal healer, is really not doing its thing. The problem is that, for me, because of my nature, I can’t alleviate my emotions in any meaningful sense, no matter how hard I try or what I do or who I talk to. I get temporary relief and wind up back in that mental and emotional loop of the same old song and dance. And to experience it over a couple of months is exhausting. It kills my ability to characterize it as meaningless. My subconscious is unwilling to sever the thread that I feel this way for a “reason.” The fact remains that, for me, these feelings aren’t a delusion. They’re arguably too real. I intellectually understand all of the things I’m supposed to be doing. And I follow suit. But my heart consistently tells my brain to go fuck itself.

So, what do I do?

I audibly sigh, I pray and meditate, and I continue down the path I’m on. That’s it. I know life isn’t about getting what I want. And mostly, that’s fine. I believe in the unexpected serving us more than our desires and wishes. But when it comes to this shit, it just plain sucks. I’ll never make sense of it, but I guess onward I march…

While I’m vague on the details, this is probably the most overtly personal I’ve gotten with these writings. I find immense utility in writing out all that I feel, all that I perceive, and where I am on my journey. I have a personal journal that’s “for my eyes only” and try to only share what could potentially have utility here. So, while this is specific and deeply personal, I suppose my intended sense of value in this post is that to have such complicated and complex feelings and seemingly no way to successfully navigate them is not insanity. For a while, I felt insane. Still do a little bit… but this has been a not-insignificant part of my journey and warrants discussion. I've successfully moved past suffering and depression and now these feelings sit as a nagging constant. Part of my journey of radical acceptance has simply been to acknowledge that I can't control how I feel, so I better learn to live with it without completely going off the rails.

As I continue to grow, heal (I hope), and move forward, I know that a lot of these things will change. Or at least I believe they will. 

But love in this sense is high-risk/high-reward. And as much potential as there is for suffering, it’s all more than worth it to me. I know that one day I’ll be able to experience it again in a way that meets my needs. Until then, I guess I’ll just write stupid tumblr posts, write stupid rhymes, and play silly little songs. I'll keep living to the best of my ability. I cling to trust and gratitude for dear life. And that helps...

I love love. And nothing is going to change that. I am who I am and I sure as shit ain’t sorry about it. Not anymore.

So, as I've said before, if I love you, you already know it. And to the rest, don't be afraid to seek it. Pain is inevitable in life. But real love is worth it all. Always.

[lightsinthesky]

jupiter

[lightsinthesky]

#nin

[lightsinthesky]

#haiku

[lightsinthesky]

#doodle

[lightsinthesky]

#SoundCloud

[lightsinthesky]

Purposeful ambition vs. grateful contentment…

How the hell do I even begin to characterize the latest existential conundrum?

It’s not unique to me. I’m sure all have experienced it, at least to some degree. One thing I recognize is that it stems from a normalized pattern of stability, contentment, and having my needs met. The baseline has been established. And now my ambition is returning with a previously absent ferocity. My concern is that it’s an example of “moving the goalposts” in terms of seeking something to fill a hole. My optimism says I’m approaching a major turning point or opportunity. Whatever it is, I can palpably feel it…

So let’s consider where I am: I have a great, stable job that affords me things I need, things I want and like, and gives me a daily sense of functional purpose in the context of serving society and the very general realm of engaging in some low-key, rudimentary productivity. None of it is life and death, but I’m grateful and take it seriously.

Emotionally, I’m still a little all over the map. There are various external factors that contribute to this, but I’ve accepted that I’m just a highly emotional being and this will always be the case, regardless of what’s going on. I just have to keep trying to cultivate external things that bring me joy to the best of my considerably limited ability. I try to temper it with a focus and reliance on continuing to tend to my healthy spiritual life and my knowledge and implementation of the concept of impermanence.

So, in that vein, spiritually, I’m pretty “fit” overall. I have an unwavering reliance and trust on the will of God/the universe/whatever (™). Trust, trust, trust. I hammer that home with almost every writing. I do not harbor a victim-complex, I don’t think that what I feel I want or need is necessarily reflective of the reality of the notion of what will best serve me and my life long term. It’s a constant recognition of my fallibility (and complete inability) to ever truly be certain that I know what is best. As stated time and time again, it’s a matter of taking action to do the next right thing as established by my program of principles, beliefs, actions, and behaviors, which stem from the desire to help others. I distill my purpose in the world as manifestations of love, which extends to understanding, help, support, empathy, and care. Good vibes and positive influence and all that…

In the realm of relationships, the ones I hold are rock solid. I am supported, loved, cared for, and I do my best to reciprocate it. It’s no secret that, as the hopeless romantic I am, I yearn for my since-lost love connection in a romantic sense. But I also crave authenticity there, so I’m willing to wait because it’s one thing above all else I’m absolutely unwilling to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve. I know that lightning-in-a-bottle feeling and I only accept that as the foundation from which to try and build a partnership through life. It’s exceptionally rare and must be held precious and met with the willingness and ability to make and sustain the effort it deserves and that’s required.

So, what’s the cause of the unsettled feeling? As with most things, I simply don’t know exactly. I can’t pinpoint it. No singular “thing” will alleviate it. Distractions are fleeting and steady progress is insufficient. I’m holding out for a big W. The danger in this is that I might wait and wait and wait and never experience “it.” 

So now we have to dive into the following: namely, is this some sense of delusion, unrealistic expectation, or cause for inevitable disappointment?

Could be. Could not be. Because…? I. Still. Don’t. Know. Shit.

Ultimately, time will tell. But every fiber of my being is priming me to be ready for… something. I’m not saying I’m going to hit the lottery or become a rock star, but I know that with where I am, my willingness to receive, and my hunger for actualizing my abilities, I can take a major leap forward. It might end up being some kind of internal realization. Something completely intangible. It might be an incredible and unforeseen opportunity. It might be a plan of action falling into place. It might be someone coming into my life. I literally don’t know (how many times have I said that now?). So right now, primed for anything that might come my way, I am doing everything within my power to temper any sense of expectation.

So, back to that ambition in the face of this unknowing sensation of what’s to come. For a while there, my focus was entirely on stabilizing and normalizing my life. I achieved that rather quickly (by some miracle) and have sustained it for several months now. So, in the wake of that, without distraction or any real major shake-ups (outside of the emotional front), I’ve recognized a sense of mundanity. This is a blessing in that my life is so devoid of chaos that I can actually experience anything adjacent to boredom. But for a dreaming fool like me, it’s the launchpad from which to set some lofty goals for success.

This time around, my metrics for success have been tempered. I’m grateful and satisfied with what I have. And if I try and fail and am forced to return to this? That’s fine by me. I’ll probably never stop trying, but it’s nice to know that some semblance of peace and comfort awaits if I ever have to come back with my tail between my legs.

“So, what the hell are you talking about, Justin? What are these goals and ambitions? What do you foresee happening?”

Well, it’s pretty varied in terms of possibilities. The hierarchy of critical things I’d like to introduce into my life (with no timeline of success) are: true love, the meaningful pursuit of creative passions, and not living here forever.

One of the critical catalysts for this whole introspective questioning of “what now?” has been my enthusiasm in the creative realm. Once upon a time I wanted a career in film. Then as a screenwriter, specifically. Then as a fictional novel writer. Music has always been in the periphery. Then I was forced to grow up (very arguable as to whether that ever really happened) and I fell into marketing and set everything else aside. What I’m recognizing is that there is an ability to marry the two and then, ideally, eventually, pursue the passion(s) exclusively.

Everyone wants to do what they love and get paid for it. It’s not easy, otherwise we’d all do that. I fundamentally understand the degrees of borderline delusion required in the “hustle” to achieve success creatively. But it’s a numbers game. For every million that try, maybe only a handful achieve it. But with the safety net of stability I’ve obtained, I think I’m willing to start moving the pieces towards an attempt to, at the very least, explore it.

In short, this is all as rambling and unclear as my thoughts these past couple of weeks. But I suppose the point is that taking that unsettled feeling and characterizing it with excitement and optimism is much more preferable to me than seeing it as an unfillable hole and that I’ll never be satisfied. I really don’t require much. I just dream big. But dreams are just that without effort.

So I guess we’ll just see what happens… I’m ready either way.

#recovery

[lightsinthesky]

#oliver tree #cowboys don't cry

[lightsinthesky]

Do you ever really want to do something, but everyone you trust tells you not to?

I do.

It’s highly uncomfortable and unsettling to have self-awareness of your instincts, then act opposite. Especially when you’ve spent your entire life trusting them to at least some degree. That kind of disconnect can make you question everything in a snowball effect stemming from the thought of, “am I a dumbass?”

I’m still learning about the difference between what I truly want and what might be best for me. Quadruple the intensity of the confusion when emotions come into play, which, for me, they pretty much always do. Part of me is just a firm believer in fairy tale endings. Another part of me is cynical and characterizes life as happening “to me” instead of “for me.” It’s a struggle and a half to navigate. But, as I’ve said more times than I can count at this point, I trust the process. I still believe that things happen as they are “supposed to” and that all I seek to get out of this life will come to me in some way so long as I stay the course, maintain my hope, trust, and willingness to receive. And also accepting that whole annoying-as-hell concept of experiencing linear time.

But that part about willingness to receive is still a motherfucker. I have a frustrating disconnect at the moment between what I intellectually know to be true, what I hope for, what I believe in, and that discomfort of simply not knowing any of each of those things for certain.

Removing myself from attachment to outcomes, desires or wishes that are specific, and cultivating a sense of openness to receive the unexpected is an exhausting little dance of the mind, heart, and spirit.

I’ve never been one to “fake it ‘til you make it.” I wear my heart on my sleeve and live in authenticity to the highest degree possible for me. Am I perfect? No. Sometimes I will present a certain way. But overall, I think I’m pretty damn open and transparent. I try to express it all with tact, but the short version is that I’m kind of an open book. Take it or leave it. No hard feelings.

So back to the main topic: acting opposite. In spite of my struggles with alcoholism and the litany of shitty behaviors that came with that, I’ve, at bare minimum, led a life where I held certain virtuous beliefs to be true. I acted opposite so much of what I believed in in my active alcoholism and have immense remorse as a result. But shame, guilt, and regret are not the subject - I can’t change the past and I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I don’t have to live with the constant misery of being that fearful, depressed shell of a man anymore.

So, as things got better, and still continue to get better and better and more clear, it becomes a whole new concept to act opposite of my instincts. When you achieve a steady plane of emotional, mental, and spiritual fitness (which is always improving and learning and implementing… don’t worry, I’m not overconfident or complacent), it’s hard to be like, “hold on a minute, is this actually the best idea/thought/action?” So now I sit and wait and meditate and pray and ask for advice. I’ve stopped trying to manage all of this on my own 24/7. And when my bullshit is not cosigned, I trust those who have come before me. I’m no longer chronically unique.

And sometimes? It sucks. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It opens up a whole new wealth of uncertainty. But that’s simply the reality of where I’m at. I’m “good.” I’ve achieved serenity as a baseline more or less. There are intense dips and some peaks, but overall, looking at the trend (which I can literally do now since being super extra and making a color-coded mood chart), it trends towards neutrality and general peace.

So what the actual fuck is next? I still have no clue. I won’t pretend I do. Will my emotions take over if I’m presented an opportunity I seek? Maybe. Will I be OK to let something else happen that I didn’t anticipate in any sense? Maybe. Will I be thoughtful and considerate of myself while trying to figure out all of this? For sure.

I don’t know if it’s good, bad, or simply human, but there are things I want. They will always exist in my heart. So, for me, the trick is in detaching from the outcomes. I cannot maintain an attitude or belief that they are inevitable or I will be chronically disappointed.

So, at least for now, I choose to remain this little empty vessel for the will of God/the universe/whatever and just do my best to be happy with where I’m at. So far, so good. But there are inevitable shakeups on the way. So I will prepare the worst and hope the best.

My mission of love and hope is too foundational to ever be taken away, even at the lowest of lows. 

So, today, I’m actually kind of low-key excited for what might come next. The signs are pointing towards… something. So I will sit and wait patiently, but never stand still. I’m still moving forward at a steady pace. And I think that whenever it comes, whatever it is, I’ll be ready and it’ll be at that exact right moment. I never believed in timing, but I trust that’s because it has all always unfolded as it’s “supposed to.”

So, as with every day for the last 171 days, I’m moving forward to a destination unknown…

#recovery #Youtube

[lightsinthesky]

still believe in happy endings...

[lightsinthesky]

Forever mood 🖤

#Youtube

[lightsinthesky]

Literally both

#smashing pumpkins #today #tonight tonight

[lightsinthesky]

“I run the marathons ‘til the very last mile” - Beastie Boys, Intergalactic

On the cusp of six months of sobriety, I am really starting to internalize some things about my ability to endure and, with time, overcome. While I’ve been relatively patient in many aspects of my life to this point, I’m cultivating an all new meaning of the word as it pertains to specific elements about my life as a whole, my goals, my desires, my wishes, my hopes, my dreams… really, all of it.

One of the common themes in these writings is how little I know. And while that can certainly come across as some sense of projected humility or a cop-out with regard to achieving goals, I don’t mean it in either sense. When I say “I don’t know,” it’s specific to a few things. 1. Outcomes. It’s impossible to know any outcome. There are likely and unlikely scenarios, but, at this point, I recognize that truly anything can happen. 2. I’m still learning. And I always will. I’m a “forever student.” There’s no point at which we “get this” and just live free of distress. It’s always in a flux and we have to try our best with what we have to influence that in a positive way. 3. The possibilities are endless. If ten years ago you had told me that this is where I would be and that this is what I would be doing at 33 years old, I’d have called you insane for a number of reasons. The truth is that my life has been wholly unexpected. For better and for worse, but there has been so much experience in all of it. My adaptability has served as a blessing and a curse as I constantly sought change and new beginnings and blah blah blah.

So, today, the only day that truly matters, I am doing… solid. Alright? Fine? Good? I don’t like characterizing the wide array of emotions and thoughts we all experience into a singular adjective. Especially when it can change minute by minute. 

My timeline has been something like this: gift of desperation > willingness > fierce determination > work, work, work > change > stability > more work > more change > emotional discomfort > more growth > continued work. That’s a gross oversimplification. It’s a scribbled line trending forward, but it’s not linear in any sense. Where I am versus where I was is wildly different. Knowing this intellectually provides me with the reinforcement of evidence that it works and I have to keep going. And so I will.

But the truth is very simple: this is a marathon, not a sprint. The finish line is six feet under. We keep doing this until the (hopefully not so) bitter end. And getting caught up thinking along those lines is a death sentence, emotionally speaking. The importance of “one day at a time” is that we can better wield our influence in increments that are manageable. Trying to change the world overnight is impossible. But small steps towards larger goals makes them more likely to come true. 

These are principles, philosophies, and behaviors that exist outside of recovery. Pretty much everyone has awareness of all of this. But actually putting it all into practice can be difficult. We get so lost in the clutter. Pain experienced lies to you that it’s forever. That you’re doomed. Joy and happiness can be taken for granted in the moment. Being bored can create frustration and discontentment. It’s hard to simply exist in some zen state 24/7.

But it brings me back to my constant, my source of strength: love, hope, and trust.

Yes, for me the spiritual element of this program is huge. It’s the cornerstone and what made it all click for me. But it’s ultimately boiled down to a very nebulous, yet sincere trust that everything is in its right place. Trying to determine the meaning and purpose behind all of that is a pointless exercise in existentialism. It’s a presumption that “neat and tidy” is the right order. We all know life, society, and our species do not act in accordance with that. At all.

But our experiences are all relative. And I can’t stress enough how much responsibility to do good I feel that we all have. It doesn’t have to be major, grand gestures. We don’t have to manifest world peace in a day. But helping those in your vicinity is sufficient. While we can get so wrapped up in insecurities and our differences, we are biologically pretty much identical. It’s a fact. So even when we act completely opposite, the fact remains that we are in this together in some sense.

So, back to this whole thing being a marathon, not a sprint… time takes time. It’s annoying as all hell, but it is what it is. I am powerless against its flow. So, sometimes the only option forward is to simply endure. Applying the rest of what I’ve learned to that fact helps to manifest that critical hope and trust that it’s A. all worth it and B. will be OK in the end.

Characterizing all of these emotions and experiences is a bitch. Sometimes, the overwhelming nature of whatever I’m feeling can make it seem as though no progress has been made or that I’m regressing or whatever. But taken and observed from a higher level, removed from the incessant overthinking of my mind and over-feeling of my heart, the persistence in growth is way more obvious. Self-awareness goes a long way. It’s the first critical step towards being able to effectively characterize experiences, identify trends and patterns of behavior and thought, and implementing effective measures to alleviate any discomfort.

And the facts for me? I did it and I’m doing it. All of those old patterns of behavior have effectively been removed. They are lingering impulses that I no longer wish to act upon. Have I done all of this perfectly? Fuck no. But I persist and grow stronger with each experience. It’s all become normalized. And the discomfort of shutting down an impulse is overridden with the sense of virtuous confidence in doing the right thing. Knowing that old behaviors and actions in the name of seeking relief aren’t going to solve a damn thing. I am fully in a place of craving authenticity and authenticity alone.

I wish I were better at being able to distill all of this. It’s not that every single day is some profound step towards enlightenment. The whole thing is a process that lasts a lifetime. But the fact that I’ve grown so damn much in such a short span is pretty wild. There is discomfort even in that. It’s like a warped grieving of the me who lived in pain. Like, I’m glad to see him go, but I feel so much compassion and sadness for all he had to endure to get here, only to be let go.

Simplifying life sounds great. We all more or less strive for it. We want things to be “easy.” But our nature prevents that. And the more thoughtful, curious, and ambitious you are, the worse it all is. 

I’m at the point in the race where I know I’m about to get that runner’s high to carry me forward with greater ease. The heavy lifting has been done for the most part and now it’s about maintenance and a slow, steady progression.

The novelty of all of it hasn’t worn off, so it’s sometimes very unexpected and surprising to recognize it all for what it is. I’m looking forward to the day when these writings become less inward and more outwardly observational. I could really use a break.

But as I say with all of these, onward I go. That’s my promise to myself. It’s the cliche, “I didn’t come this far just to make it this far” kind of sentiment. And I hold strong to that. I’ve already endured a litany of things that would historically have “taken me out.” And I’m fine. Uncomfortable at times, but capable beyond a reasonable doubt.

So through this wild ass journey through space and time, I’m gonna keep jogging/swimming/crawling/walking/whatever - just moving. Sometimes I’ll sprint, sometimes I’ll walk, sometimes I’ll lay down until someone brings me Gatorade. But it will all end at the same finish line. To victory we march…

Love and hope will never leave me… and in their strength, paired with my trust in all that will be, I am ready to continue.

#recovery #Youtube

[lightsinthesky]

Fresh content. Kind of a weird little one...

#SoundCloud

[lightsinthesky]

#Youtube

[lightsinthesky]

Mood

#Youtube