literaryfaeriecorner

[literaryfaeriecorner]

02/21/2021: Promotions, Old Friends, and Yellow School Buses

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February 21st, 2021

somehow i received a promotion at work last Friday even though i am literally probably one of the LEAST motivated people teaching at that school... fuck. so... now, instead of just being a regular-schmegular teacher, i am now the '6th grade head social studies teacher' which means that i have to run planning meetings for the social studies team, attend morning meetings discussing whole-grade growth and failings, and solutions for how we're going to get the kids to... not suck. uuuuuuggggghhhhhh!!! and this is for the rest of the year and the next!!!!

apparently, i am the 'perfect person' for this position because all of my classes have consistently performed better than the rest... but between you, me, and the entire internet, that speaks more to the abilities of my students than my own personal abilities as a teacher. i don't believe i'm a sucky teacher or anything but the fact remains that between work, grad school, delusional lovesick-related episodes, mental illness, and other varying distractions, i am not Doing The Best I Can. in fact, i'm literally in survival mode 95% of the time. the other 5% of the time, i'm in manic-as-fuck mode. so... do i really DESERVE this promotion? who even fucking knows? i like to believe, however, that i'll eventually figure out how to bullshit this new responsibility as well and no one will be the wiser. i mean, if this promotion came with a financial boost as well, i'd be more inclined to not fuck it up but, like... i'm doing more work for the same weak ass pay... i'm not as motivated with kind words and encouragement than i would be with a solid boost to my pay grade. anyway... whatever.

i was on tumblr the other day (i am fasting from all social media sites during the day for Lent but tumblr doesn't count because i literally just reblog five or six posts into the void, look at sad literature quotes, and log out just to do it all over again the next day... i am not addicted to tumblr as i am to twitter, instagram, pinterest, and linkedin... yes, linkedin. my quest to escape my job has led me down a very weird and addictive path) and i came across this post by user beetlejuices:

"isn't it all about old friends? like everything? all of it?"

and it is. i think so. i really do.

one of the things i've been conscious of in my early adulthood is that i am still chasing after the friendships i had in middle school. i wrote about this two Lents ago too. there is a memory that i remember so vividly in middle school and it reminds me constantly about how i felt so loved and appreciated and like the world couldn't go on without me if i somehow left or disappeared or went away. i think about it all the time. that is how freeing and loving and whole it is. just a simple memory of being three hours late to school (after a huge, blown out argument between parents who should've divorced years ago) and being startled by a flood of texts that starting pouring in at 7 that morning.

ashley: YOOOO where r u? they snagged all the donuts from the corner store!

alysha: you missed the bus this morning?

ashley: i bought donuts off eman 4 u... say im the best :D

kiera: U MISSED CRYSTAL'S FAT HEAD ASS SLIP DOWN THE STEPS LMAOOO

kiera: u're always here early u good?

alysha: are you coming 2 school today?

ashley: are u ok?

Christyl: don't forget we have a test in math!! where are you?

kiera: babe?

ashley: are you ok? why is ur phone off?

alysha: i just talked to ashley are u ok?

Christyl: where r u?

kiera: i just talked to ashley r u ok?

kiera: none of ur sisters r here either... u ok?

ashley: i'll call again @ lunch

alysha: pls be safe

Christyl: i'll tell the teacher you're sick and maybe you can take it tomorrow

Christyl: are you ok?

and even more messages that were sent during and inbetween classes... i thought it was a bit too late (and too time consuming) to respond to them all individually so after being signed into school three hours late, i decided to wait for all my friends at our table in the cafeteria to surprise them before explaining my mess of a morning. i was nervous because i thought they would be mad at me for some reason. but as soon as they saw me, ashley, alysha, kiera, and christyl, they came barreling towards me screaming my name. it was an entire scene. people looking at them crazy and then raising their eyebrows at me, not seeing what the big deal was. i probably looked the same exact way that i did the day before. unspectacular, bookish, awkward. they couldn't see what the big deal was. it embarrassed me but it thrilled me at the same time.

they nearly knocked me to the floor pushing each other to get to me first trying to steal the first hug. in the end, i stretched my arms out as far as i could and they all fell into them. we probably looked a mess. a tangle of brown legs, arms, frizzy hair, loose braids, and scuffed dress shoes. i remember feeling so loved and wanted. i felt bigger and grander than i was. i had stopped the world for five entire minutes and i didn't do anything. i was just existing.

i don't really talk to any of the girls anymore. i follow them on social media and i wish them happy birthday every year and we're all on each other's close friends list on insta... so i still know a few, if not all, of their secrets... but we'll probably never be as close as we were in middle school. and that's ok. i still love them as much as i did when they tackled me in the lunch room that day. i still root and cheer for them like we still spend every night after school on the phone for hours talking shit and planning presidential campaigns and gossiping about boys. i will never forget that day in the lunchroom. ever. and, like i said, it has only occurred to me now, as a young adult, that i've been chasing that kind of friendship and sisterhood since it happened.

i like to treat all my friendships as mini-romances. i remember a tweet that said, "friendships ARE romance," and i agree. i think i'm in love with all of my close friends, if not all of my friends. it's embarrassing (just a bit) but i have probably fallen in love with all of my friends at least once or twice. this is especially true for my group of college friends (at this point, they are really family). i have been in love, at least once, with all eight of them throughout our four years. i don't actually find this embarrassing like i said earlier. what's embarrassing is that this information might embarrass other people which, in turn, would thoroughly embarrass me. but the fact itself doesn't embarrass me. that is how i am. i fall in love and out of love at breakneck speeds. i think it's important to be a little bit in love with your friends.

i really enjoyed being in undergrad and planning literal dates between all eight or nine of us. and we would call it that. "what are we doing for our date next weekend?" "so who's going on the date tomorrow?" "are we cancelling the date or does the weather not matter?" (the weather always mattered.) my favorite college date was valentine's day senior year. we all went to korean-style karaoke and ordered so much food and drink we could barely stand to sing. we were all sat around the tv singing horribly to mariah carey or beyonce or rapping to nicki minaj verses. we took so many bad pictures and tone deaf videos and we kept leaning or hugging or holding each other's hands. that's another thing i love about my college family. most of us are touchy-feely people. i am a touchy-feely person. i'm southern and my mom is ridiculously gooey so one of my love languages, inevitably, is touch. i, usually, reign it in A LOT unless i have a partner but in college, i somehow discovered a whole group of people who loved to kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands and lean on other people, and lock arms. i felt at home. really.

maybe it's not only about old friends, though. maybe it's about feeling at home.

there was another post on tumblr and i think about it a lot. it's a screenshot of a tweet from twitter user @HumbleCore.

"HUGE NEWS: finally found my best friend from middle school on FB. We've both been looking for each other for over a decade. I told her I think about her whenever I play any boardgame or drive by a church. She told me she uses my name as her password at work. A perfect reunion."

when i read that the other night, i cried. i don't know why. it was heavy and ridiculous and i was worried my roommates would hear me. i don't know why i cried. at all. and even typing it out like that made me want to cry again. the feeling is not as strong or as overwhelming as it was the first time but it's still there.

i think about a best friend i had in first grade. even before i thought of ashley as my best friend (i have known Middle School Ashley since the first grade. i thought we were destined to be best friends forever and ever and ever, which is what i wrote in her middle school yearbook). his name was Malik. or Malique. my memory fails me. but anyway, i loved him like crazy. we didn't do anything without the other. we shared lunch together, we HAD to be partners on every field trip, i cried when Ms. Sanchez moved my seat from his in an effort to stop us from disrupting her lessons and i hated her for an entire week. (a very long time from a first-grade perspective.) even now, i think about him whenever i go to petting zoos or farms and when i ride on yellow school buses with my students.

Malik/Malique was my first kiss. we were hiding from Ms. Sanchez and the other chaperones so we could pet the goats one last time. while we were hiding behind a barn, he kissed me. "for good luck," he said. and then we sprinted across the farm to get back to the goats. and we pet them again before Ms. Sanchez found us and ordered us back on the big yellow school bus where we held hands for the entire hour-long ride back to school.

it's very silly to think now but in high school when i was trying to determine whether i loved my first boyfriend or not i remember thinking, "well, does he make me feel like Malik/Malique?" it's silly but sweet. at fourteen, still comparing the way he made me feel behind a barn at 5 years old to how another boy, years and years later, made me feel. it is silly but i think it's sweet.

i don't actually have any interest in finding Malik/Malique or knowing for certain what he does or how he's doing because i seriously doubt i had such an impact on his life, but i hope he's well and alive and happy because that's what i always naturally hope for when i pass petting zoos or farms or see bright yellow school buses.

so, yes. i think everything, us, our relationships, the entire world, is about old friends. all of it. every last bit of it.

i have a whole-grade data analysis, 300 pages of reading, and two mini-papers for classes to finish before tonight so i'm going to get going... i just wanted to write about old friends first.

#on love #on friendship #on teaching #on community #stream of conscious #crushes

[literaryfaeriecorner]

2/17/2021: Cycles and Diamonds and Lent

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February 17th, 2021

today is Ash Wednesday

i’m on the third day of my menstrual cycle and i’m still cramping

i ask myself, ‘why does it hurt??’

a clinical voice answers: the uterus is shedding itself,

starting anew

monday night my diamond stud sunk into my ear

the entire diamond hid itself in the piercing

my hands were sticky with blood

trying to push it thru the hole

i have never birthed anything before

(or rebirthed?)

there is a fleck of blood on the center face now

alcohol won’t wash it away

you can only see it if you stand too close

on tuesday i go to class

every week the professor asks:

‘how do we grapple with the world?’

‘how do we know what we know?’

‘is there any truth in the world? where can we find it?’

it frustrates me.

i sit in class and listen to my classmates debate things that go over my head

and circle back to wrap around my heart.

this past tuesday the professor asked:

‘how can we live? we debate love, science, religion but we don’t KNOW anything. what if we’re just arguing about shit that doesn’t exist?’

i don’t know why i turned my camera off to cry

for Lent i am giving up excessive social media usage,

junk food,

food delivery services,

and worrying.

i am also fasting from sun up to sun down.

but i don’t know if that’s for the scale or for God.

my mother tells me that once you ask for something you need to 'leave it at the altar.

do not beg for what is yours,

do not beg for what is coming.’

i don’t know how to pray anymore

my prayer journal is full of begging

for escape

for release

for peace

for you

i’m scared to start over

what would i say to Him if i didn’t beg

for shields?

i might have to be honest

i get anxiety looking at my journal

my palms sweat when i think about

TALKING to God

all of me starts to ache

i think abt the voice.

i am shedding myself,

starting anew.

#poetry #my writing #Lent #on love #on prayer

[literaryfaeriecorner]

1/29/21: community, love, and... well, really nothing

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January 29th, 2021

today i was thinking about how even in the midst of really terrible shit, there's still some really amazing things that can and do happen.

i hate my job with a passion that literally no one around me can understand. back before the pandemic, teaching in the charter system that i work at gave me constant nightmares and panic attacks. i think i have mild PTSD, actually. seriously. after everything went remote, i found some degree of relief. my nightmares happen less frequently, i tend to have less panic attacks, working from home allows me more physical comfort (no one is forcing me to stand on my feet for 10 hours straight), and it's relatively easier to tweet on the job, lol. however, it's still a big point of misery for me. i feel disrespected by my superiors (i literally got cursed out the other week for a logistical mistake that wasn't even my own), my boss-boss hates me, someone leaked screenshots of an instagram post i made last summer about the state of the education system and the charter network i work for took it as some kind of personal attack and i had to answer for it (weird), and i am one of the most underpaid people in my teaching cohort. they explain this away by saying i don't "meet certain data points," and i dont do this and i neglect to do that but i do just as much work if not more than my coworkers... so. anyway, i just want to get out. i hate it. very badly. my job is one of the main causes of my depressive episodes. i'm only still there because i have rent to pay and i also don't want to leave my kids in the middle of the school year... i absolutely would if i got a new job but it would cause me a bit of agony...

anyway, even in the midst of all that negativity and depression and terribleness... i am strangely glad that i ended up there. today, after one of my most taxing classes (it's not exactly a difficult group of students to teach... i just teach them after two other back-to-back classes and by that point i'm drained and absolutely numb in the brain), two of my coworkers jumped on my zoom link to tell me about a mini scandal they happened upon yesterday.

one of my kids' parents is using her daughter's school-issued laptop to sext with some obviously-catfish internet guy behind her husband's back! they discovered this while using our school's device-monitoring program to make sure the kids weren't cheating during a practice exam. the story and screenshots and talk of next-steps were certainly all hilarious and fun and a nice reprieve from a long, tireless day of remote teaching/chasing after kids/grading terrible fucking papers/getting blamed for everything negative under the sun, but the thing i'm most grateful and feeling blessed for is... community. just sitting on a locked zoom call with two other young women talking trash, shooting the shit, gabbing, sharing scandalous information, dramatically reading corny sexts between two older people was absolutely rejuvenating. it felt like being in middle school or high school again. sitting at a table with your friends after a long morning of classes and just talking shit and hanging out and making sure that everyone was good and could make it through another afternoon of the same old tired, boring, draining, depressing shit. it felt good. and i felt grateful. i no doubt would've slipped into self-pity mode which includes scrolling twitter even though no one has anything good to say, snacking on an unholy amount of girlscout cookies, and napping for the last ten minutes of my break before going into another excruciatingly long period of teaching european history (yuck!).

the thing i hate most about the pandemic is that i am missing out on community. i miss going to bars and clubs and parties by myself and plunging into a room full of people who are also open to meeting someone new, getting into something exciting, running away from home. my favorite part of last school year was getting off of work and heading to dinner with a date, or a friend's house for drinks, or to a book signing or art and culture event. just running around nyc for as long as i could, having as much fun as i could, with as many people as i could before the clock struck 12 and i would have to get up in the morning and play the role of boring, underpaid single female middle school teacher again. now, it feels like i can never escape that role. it feels like my entire life is about being a teacher and being abused and underpaid and stupid and lame and underappreciated. i miss my communities and the identities i found within them.

that's why i was so grateful to my coworkers. for a period of 30 - 35 mins or so, i wasn't just a teacher. i was a friend, a gossip, an asshole, a bitch, a silly girl, a person. a whole person. and i hardly ever feel like a whole person anymore. the four walls of my room don't seem big enough to fit a whole person. just a teacher. just a student. just a failure. just a fuck-up.

i love love. i know they're just my coworkers but i'd be lying if i said i didn't love them. i was also thinking, today, about how people are only in our lives for seasons. and sometimes we know this. like, for example, i know that if i got a job at a new place right this moment (fingers crossed, from this blog to God's ears!!!) that i would leave and probably never hear or speak to any of my coworkers again. and i was thinking how i was ok with this. it wouldn't diminish my love for them in any way or make me feel like i need to find some way to keep them around forever... it just is what it is. i can love them and still know that we aren't meant to be together for too long. we got each other through this hellhole of a job without killing ourselves and that's enough for a lifetime, to be honest.

i was supposed to write all these thoughts way earlier but He messaged me on instagram. He replied to a post of mine talking about WandaVision and apologizing for not texting back last saturday... since this is my blog and im basically anonymous, i'm not ashamed to say that seeing his name pop up on my phone is enough to send me over the moon... especially when it's unexpected and unprompted... he's such a bozo though and i basically let him know... i am a big believer in honesty and eagerness but sometimes a little cool is needed. i brushed off his apology and let him know he was sorry as fuck all the time and then congratulated him on being the kind of person who gets to say "i was just overwhelmed because the judge fucked us over and now i'm working until midnight for the next week." that's probably weird but what can be better than having a job that you like, doing something that you love and that is DEFINITELY helping your career... that's more than what some people have... (i am some people, unfortunately, but i'm looking at getting out of being such a fucking loser)

umm.. it's 1AM now and i have another long, tireless day of being a fucking superhuman aka teacher tomorrow so i'm going to go to bed but i feel like i didn't blog right because i didn't have a clear beginning, middle, end and proper sign off and i know i'm being silly and blogs don't always have to be like that but that's how i feel... but i have to go so that's how it's gonna have to be. i just wanted to write my thoughts down and update my blog because i'm trying to keep my promises to myself in 2021. if i don't keep promises to myself... how will i get anything done?

also He just messaged me back again :) and i have to stare at the message for AT LEAST 30 mins before i can settle into sleep mode.

until next time.

#on love #on community #on teaching #crushes #stream of conscious

[literaryfaeriecorner]

01/18/21: The Feeling, 2021, and a Bad Date

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January 18th, 2021

I've been trying to start (and maintain) a blog/online journal since I was ten or eleven years old. I have no idea why I think I'll actually maintain one now besides the fact that I actually believe that 2021 is going to be the start of some kind of serious change in my life? I don't know why I truly feel that this year is different. I tell myself that when I have a specific type of feeling it's not just me being weird, it's the universe or God or who/whatever telling me that something is definitely going to be different. So we'll see. I guess. And I guess I should be documenting it.

I'm a writer but, naturally, I don't write. So I should be doing that, too. Ideally. I have a goal for myself. I need to have three chapter of my main-WIP done by the end of January. Currently, I have literally nothing down yet since I've decided that it's no longer a YA fantasy and I'm switching the entire tone of the novel and I'm tackling bigger ideas like colonialism/gentrification. It's a faerie tale, naturally. Anyway, my goal is to have the entire manuscript done by the end of this year since I've been sitting on this story idea since sophomore year of college and it's time to finally get it out? Since I want to be a NYT bestselling author I should probably... do that? And another goal of mine is to write short(er) stories and essays and start submitting them to applications.

I've already started on that goal though. Late 2020 I entered a essay writing scholarship contest to officially start submitting original work. I haven't heard anything back since but I'm not (that) upset because I guess I'm not always going to hear a "no"/"we don't really like this," and I can't be a crybaby about it, I guess. Even though I definitely am a huge crybaby. But I'd rather get comfortable with rejection quick so that I am ready for the writing hurdles ahead. And rejection isn't nearly as bad as you imagine it (unless you're talking about love.........).

Speaking of rejection... I went on a date last Tuesday and it was ok, I guess? It was actually less than ok but...? It's probably what I deserve for going out on a date during a pandemic but, like... I guess I should explain why it was just 'ok?' I actually don't know. I mean, I do know but I'm not sure it really matters? First of all, he kind of turned me off before we even met. He asked me if I had a snapchat and I was like... "yes, but I don't use it?" He proceeded to ask for it anyway so I gave it to him and he sent me so many messages trying to get me to answer him (after I told him I didn't use it) and he irritated me so bad I ignored him for an entire day. I hate when men don't listen and they're overbearing before you even really know them. Like... dude, chill? Shut the fuck up and leave me alone. It was so irritating I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it. And every time I take too long to respond (I guess) he uses the iMessage message reacts on all of my previous messages to signal that I need to respond or something and it's so annoying. Like, I'm a grown ass woman. Don't do that to me. I'm either working or sleeping or ignoring you, take the fucking hint. Jesus, fuck.

He's also not a gentleman? He asked me about kinks???? Like... not even a week into texting? I know that's ok for some people but it's not ok with me and that's fine. We're not on the same wavelength because I do not want to date a man who jumps into sex talks before even knowing my fucking favorite color... Like, that's not gentlemanly at all. Please. I actually don't care if I sound old-fashioned or lame. I'm over pretending that I want/like things that I definitely do not.... He's also like not well-read at all... He didn't know who Toni Morrison was and, like... come on, bro. Toni Morrison? You don't know who Toni Morrison is??? Jesus, fuck. He's just all around not someone I would date seriously...

So why did I go on the date?

I am in love with a boy across the country and it's been literally killing me for three years at this point and I'm tired of being lame and weird over it and obviously getting over a guy takes more than going on bad dates with annoying men but please give me a break, I've got a lot going on... And to be honest I don't actually want to get over him? Remember when I was talking about the feeling I feel like..... He's my person. And I don't feel that this feeling is one-sided. Even though he hasn't said the feeling is mutual........ I think his story has to be an entirely different blog post because it's just three years of nonsense and how could I summarize it in half a paragraph??? I can't. So. Anyway, all you need to know right now is that I'm in love with a boy aaaaaaall the way across the fucking country and I think about him 24/7 and I want to be with him and know everything about him and live in his skin but I'm tired of letting this feeling stop me from being a fun, twenty-something in NYC so I'm trying to... stop the feeling? Ugh. Ok. So anyway. That's why I went on the stupid fucking date all the way in fucking Brooklyn that cost me $80 there and back that I regret with every fucking fiber of my fucking being. Fuck.

The date itself was not the issue. If the date had ended where it began, with the average Mexican food place, it probably would've been fine and I might have considered a second date. He's not bad with conversation and he was fun to flirt with and the date was no pressure and I felt really cool and sexy and I haven't felt like that in forever because fuck the pandemic. I mean, he wasn't as hot as his insta pics would leave one to believe but I think that's because I literally am disgusted with facial hair on most men and he was breaking out super badly. I know that's, like, really shallow but I don't know. Whatever. I'm being honest on my own blog. Sue me. Anyway, the thing I regret is after the date..... UGH. First... I never ever do anything sexual on first dates. Not because I'm morally against it or anything, I just am not comfortable. Like... I have to be completely comfortable with men to do anything beyond kissing and heavy petting usually. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to see his super-cool, totally-Brooklyn, super-brand-new studio apartment that's also like a fucking art gallery... And I should've said no but... I'm literally a fucking idiot.

Anyway, we get there and the apartment is super fucking cool. And we're vibing with music or whatever and we're having this fake argument over... something. And we start kissing... that's fine. I really love kissing. I don't mind it... But then... oh my fucking God, he hikes my shorts up SO far (SN: yes, I was wearing shorts in the dead of NYC wintertime but they were really hot leather shorts and I had knee-high boots on so... it was hot) and starts fingering me????? FIRST, I DIDN'T GIVE HIM PERMISSION SO WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK and second, I WAS NOT WET AT ALLLLLLL YET SO HE LITERALLY JAMMED HIS FINGERS INTO MY PUSSY COMPLETELY DRY AND IT LITERALLY WAS SO PAINFUL AND HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING. IT WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING, PLEASEEEEEEE. And,THIRD, HE DIDN'T DISINFECT OR WASH HIS FUCKING HANDS FIRST! LIKE, PLEASE, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE MY PUSSY CORONA? FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUCK! It was ridiculous.

So I tell him to stop and he doesn't immediately. He's still sticking around in there for like five seconds more. And I'm like, MOVE, YOU ASS. And it sucks. It REALLY sucks... And since I'm a huge idiot (and also drunk) I don't immediately leave. We make out a bit more and he start randomly choking me and I'm like...... PLEASE STOP? First of all, I'm not a BDSM kind of gal but isn't that a thing that you DISCUSS before doing? Shit. And, also, I'm never gonna be a rough sex type of gal. Honestly. I like to be praised and petted and adored and touched sweetly. I'm not with all that rough-house shit. Blah blah vanilla blah blah, don't care. I don't like being roughed up in bed or anywhere else. So at this point, I'm like.... dude, you're fucking annoying.

Anyway, guys are fucking dumb and he apologized a lot and walked me out or whatever but I was over it. And now that that happened I'm definitely, for sure, not into him. He asked me to go back over to his place this weekend.... And I didn't immediately feel like having the "we should definitely not ever see each other again" talk so I told him I was in Philly with friends. He texted me today and I just ignored it... I'll send him a text in the morning I guess but I hate having that talk with men. I'd rather just ghost. But it's 2021 now and I don't want bad romantic karma... God knows I have enough of that.

Anyway... I'm actually super exhausted and I have... [shivers] work tomorrow. From home. In my bed... But it's still exhausting, believe it or not. God. Anyway, this was very therapeutic so I'll probably do this again definitely. Either way, I will be forcing myself to write here regularly because that's how you build good habits??? I wouldn't know anything about that. That's just what I've read.

#first post #stream of conscious #bad date #pandemic drama #new start #new year