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I don’t understand why I’m feeling apathetic now

Is a depressive episode coming? I was able to feel so much and now it’s like all gone? Numb, sort of to say

Idk

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Someone once said

“It’s hard to move on because it means I have to accept our fate as strangers”

And I felt that

HARD

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I’m lost

I was supposed to be married this year

February 22,2020 the perfect date that will forever be lost

I was supposed to have my dog with me

I was supposed to have started school again

I was supposed to have gotten rid of all my debt

I was supposed to have moved out

I was supposed to start my first real official chapter in adulthood

To finally settle down and bury my roots to stay where I was meant to be

But I have yet to call this land home

And to know where I really roam and should go, I don’t know

There’s so many things that were supposed to happen this year , and you leaving changed the whole timeline. Now I don’t know where my goals are. I don’t know what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing . You, you were my motivation through so many things. Because of you, I knew what I wanted and was going to strive for. Now , I don’t know

I’m lost

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There’s a difference between being happy and being distracted from sadness

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Birthday

It’s tomorrow

It’s going to be tomorrow in six hours

Yet it doesn’t feel so imminent

My birthday is just another regular day. Due to its timing, it’s no excuse for a party. I had always wished to have a big pool party

But January was always too cold for pools. I’m just going to sit back and enjoy this birthday blunt to myself

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How do I train my hands to stop throwing up peace signs ?

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I’m entering 2020 without you

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Intimacy vs isolation

I want to be close to someone. I want to hold someone and let them feel ok, safe, content. I want to bask in their joy cuz I can’t produce my own. I don’t know what makes me happy other than making others happy

But I’m stuck. I push people away while I let them think I’m letting them close. I’m only telling you about myself, but that doesn’t mean I’ve let you past my walls

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we stan

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If you’re scrolling through tumblr trying to distract yourself from something you don’t want to think about or you’re looking for a sign that everything will be okay, this is it. So, breathe. Relax into this moment. You’re alive & that’s all that matters.

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Everything’s too good to be true

Instead of looking back, I decided to reverse and back up to get a second glance. I pushed myself back , because I am victim to temptation of illusioned bliss. Now with clarity ,I am enlightened instead of disillusioned. This is not my place.

The serotonin and dopamine are gone.in its absence, there is a realization that what I am chasing is what I am pushing away. My true desires fled ,disguised itself as misery and I became enamored with the surface vanity of a smile

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I can’t stop missing my dog,ugh 💔

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Maximus Goof

I don’t think you could ever realize or grasp how much I love and cry over you. You died December 11 8:45 am 2019 and it feels like I’ve been crying for years.

Every time you intrude my thoughts, tears threaten to overflow and I absolutely detest it. I have not been able to grieve you properly and it makes me so upset

I truly have no one, to be able to just cry on their shoulder and really just let me let it all out. I trust no one. I’ve literally lost everything this year and it’s taking me so much energy to keep going. I’ve become kinder to strangers lately . I think I’m lonely. Cuz you’re no longer home and I’d try to avoid being home as much as possible.

I wanted unconditional love and I already had it , from you. I never believed Jose truly loved me unconditionally, and I was right. But you gave me the unconditional love I needed and it pains me to realize it’s true when they say you don’t realize what you have til it’s gone.

Everything else I lost, I realized, it was fake or toxic. I didn’t really “lose” them, they made me feel wrong for being myself. So I changed and worked to try to be what they wanted. You NEVER asked me for that. All you asked for was some head pats and some treats and you were the happiest dog on earth. I never needed to change or be happy or be funny to have you by my side, tail wagging the whole time. When my own “best friend” didn’t let me cry, you did. You were my real best friend. All I’ve wanted was a best friend in my life and I’ve been searching for it all over, a connection with another human being. Belonging.

I was looking in the wrong direction.You’ve been there since August 2006. I remember thinking several times, one day I’ma wake up and you’re not gona be here anymore. I remember feeling bad yelling your name to get you to get up and go outside so I can go to work. I should have quit sooner and spent more time with you. You died literally the day after I quit and I had planned for us to go to a doggy park. When was the last time we took you to the beach? Or dog park? That hurts so bad. Dad never took you and I didn’t have a car. I want to scream so loud to the world that I did love you and you’re the best pupper in hopes you’ll hear me from heaven

Idk where dogs go when they die, but I know wherever you are, you’re missing your favorite bed, food, and head pats.

I want to say your name again. Say it out loud and know you’re coming. But your name is never gona be able to come out of my mouth ever again without a tear to accompany it

#dachshund #dogs #grieving #bestfriend #sadgirl