never-not-ever

[never-not-ever]

My Facebook memories yesterday…

1 year ago and 2 years ago

A year ago I was working doubles and loving my job and life… I was happy.

Two years ago I got news that I was finally entering the mental health field. I was so proud when people asked what I did for work.

Today I’m sitting in psychiatric inpatient unit. I’ve been here since Sept 22. And it’s now May 3rd. How?

#personal #inpatient #you know how… #I’ve sabotaged so many discharge dates. #I’m done telling people my *tentative* date because then it never happens

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#mood today

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🥰

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My beloved ghost and me,

Sitting in a tree,

D-Y-I-N-G.

#personal #this has been stuck in my head all day #taylor swift #how did it end? #ttpd #taylornation #the tortured poets department

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17 years

I just did the math and self harm has been a part of my life for 17 years. That’s crazy to me.

I’m turning 32 next week. That’s almost half my life.

My left arm is ruined with scars. This past summer they were barely visible and now new pink lines go down my arm all the way to my knuckles. I really fucked up my hand. The slightest rise of my sleep and you can see the damage I’ve done this last 7 months.

17 years.

Will it ever stop?

For good?

But how long is “for good”? I could be 45, be 13 years clean of self harm and think it’s all in the past. My mind could think “ah yes self harm, I struggled with that for a while but it’s done for. And then it could start up again.

I feel like I’m just rambling.

#personal #tw self harm #self harm

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I was supposed to be sent away But they forgot to come and get me

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Edna St. Vincent Millay, from a letter featured in The Letters of Edna St. Vincent Millay

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Is it legal to deny you your rights like this? Why do others ensuring your body remains alive override your right to autonomy and self determination? I don’t understand how other people could get to force to keep you alive against your will? Your body belongs to you

[this has been in my drafts oops]

Yea I get this. I was about to try to recall my opinion on the matter. I made a post about this a while back and shockingly was able to find it.

I made that post in 2018 which means I wrote that italicized part in 2016 which is when all the mental shit really took a turn for the worse.

#personal

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#when????

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I wish you would post more! I want to know how things are going with you. Are you still IP?

I want to post more too! I came on just to make an update of how I once ruined things again.. “you’ve sabotaged every discharge date”.

I’m about to play a game with a lady here. First distraction of the day. This morning has been nothing but crying and then brief moments of emptiness.

So to make a quick update.

I started getting passes to prepare for discharge. She said I could do as many as I felt I needed.

Two weeks into my passes I snuck my self harm stuff (I hate saying tool, it’s weird) back but I didn’t use it right away.

Last week I it happened. And I honestly don’t remember some of the days. It’s like a fog, especially Thursday.

Thursday I came clean about it. My doctor was gone for the day but there was a plan if I self harmed to pull the passes. So that happened. No passes this weekend that just passed.

My doctor was out Friday but I met with my social worker. Today was a meeting with both of them. My doctor was angry and “disappointed”. She said the PHP program here won’t take me cause of the self harm and even worse the 6 month intensive DBT partial also said no cause of the self harm. I tried asking my doctor if it was just right now or for good and she said not going to happen ever. Which is kind of confusing.

But I emailed the lady from that 6 month program to double check and I emailed my DMH case manager.

I’ll post a better update later. Don’t know if any of this makes sense. I feel so out of it and just really riding the shame train “I ruined everything” and “I hate myself”

#personal

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I got sucked into the nonstop scrolling on Tik Tok. Towards the end I really forgot for a second that I’m still here. I guess that can happen at any place or time. Just get lost in that world and when you finally put your phone down your surroundings come back to you.

I ended on this one persons account who’s been in a locked inpatient unit for a little over 2 years in the UK. It’s weird cause thru lots of videos I learned that they have hourly checks and can have overnight passes. They do 15 min checks too and take away all your belongings if needed. But the overnight passes and hourly checks were so strange to me. It’s clearly a long term inpatient unit? Unless she’s one of the few. Just like I’m one of the few (at the moment, I know it’s not that rare) to be here this long at the “short” term unit.

I was on the 1:1 for 26 days. I came off it completely last Tuesday. It varied a lot, I think it was 24hrs for the first week and then she took of the day shift for a weekend and on Monday took off the overnight shift. Then right before my SA anniversary on the 21st she put me back on it 24hours. Took me off the overnight shift that following weekend. Then that Monday off the day shift and then the next day off the whole thing. That was a lot but in the end for those 26 days I was always on the 1:1 from 3pm-11pm.

Coming off it was weird. It was funny when I tried to ask for a pass for Easter. Like you just came off the 1:1 on Tuesday and you’re asking for a home pass this Sunday?? In rounds they told my doctor they’d be more comfortable with a pass during the week. So I asked for the Friday before and they said it’s too soon. “Let’s see how the weekend goes and maybe on Monday”.

Last weekend went fine and I got my first pass (2 hours), off this campus in 4 months, a couple days ago on Monday. Conditions being not going home, staying local. Then I got a 3 hour pass yesterday, local again. My doctor put an order in for “daily passes” and told me that I can have as many passes home as I need until I feel ready to go home.

I’ve gone on 2 passes so far without sneaking anything back in like all my other passes before. But I’m worried about home. Like I’m not worried I’m going to do anything or sneak anything back. I’m just worried I’m going to get super overwhelmed. This week has been so overwhelming and I get so much anxiety in the morning and at night. I haven’t been home since thanksgiving which I kept thinking it was 3 months ago but nope. That was 4 months ago.

It’s just crazy to me to think 2 weeks ago I was on a daily 1:1 and now I have daily passes???

I’m 90% sure I’m not going to screw this up. That I’m going to keep up with the passes and leave by the end of April or a week sooner. But a small part of me is so worried I’m going to mess this all up.

#personal #was in my drafts #I’ll do the home pass update soon

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Sick / Not sick enough Always too much or nothing at all.

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“You have a story to share”.

But do I really? Sad girl who didn’t grow up with her mother. Lost her maturnal figure when she was 19. Fell into an addiction of self harm and self hatred that’s been occupying half her life now.

My story is going to end soon. I keep telling the staff that the self harm urges have lessened and all I can think about when I close my eyes is cutting in a means to end my life. The only two things that’s stopping me is my concern for staff that would walk in on me and see that mess and also it becoming an attempt instead of a finality.

I’m honest with staff. They know how serious my SI has gotten and I’m on a 1:1 so there’s nothing to really worry about.

I guess the anger and frustration from my team if I failed as well.

And I know. I know staff care about me. I know my doctor is “very protective” of me. So that is one last protective factor. Will I really hit a point where it’s just blinders, ears blocked, no thoughts or concerns about hurting people? If that happens then I’m done for.

#personal #inpatient #tw suicidality #tw self harm

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How’s it going? Thinking of you

Hmmm it’s going, thanks for asking 🖤.

The day shift (7am-3pm) 1:1 ended on Friday but like mid shift. Over the weekend it was so nice at 7am to shut my door and be able to actually sleep without the door open. Albeit I’m still on 5’s but the towel on the door makes it harder to hear it open so often.

Yesterday she took off the night shift 1:1 (11pm-7am) so now I’m only on the 1:1 during the evening shift. She was going to take me off it all together but this afternoon I’m seeing my mother…

So a little back story:

My mother lost custody of me when I was 2. My Nana and my Aunt raised me. My Aunt was like my mother figure. My Nana was always the stern one, always angry, never was the lovey dovey type. She loved/loves me and is so supportive but there was just never that maternal love. My Aunt on the other hand.. we’d watch tv on the couch and my head would be in her lap and she’d brush my hair back. She passed away when I was 19. I watched her take her last breath and then afterward I climbed onto the bed with her and took her dead hand and brushed my hair back one last time. Morbid huh?

Anyways growing up my Nana (who had legal custody of me) allowed me to try to have a relationship with my mother. It started out with exchanging Christmas gifts in the car then being able to go out for the day with my mother. Which my mother took advantage of and decided to sneak me to her one room place (literally just a room). Of course as a kid I was going to do whatever she thought was right. And I remember it was nice during the Summer not having to find places in town to cool off or use the bathroom. Doesn’t sound that bad right? Except this place was crawling with cockroaches. And when I would shy away from them she’d scold me cause I was making her boyfriend “feel bad”.

Years later she moved to my town and got an actual apartment and I would visit and stay overnight. It was then that I realized she was still using drugs, the reason she lost custody of me. My mother being out of her mind, thought that after all those years I would want to live with her. It was then that she started talking badly about my Nana and Aunt, the people I went home to. They never talked badly about her. They let me see and find out the type of person she was for myself and that was when was I decided to cut off contact with her for good.

That was, I think the summer after my freshman year of high school, so I was maybe 15 years old. Fast forward to winter of 2013/2014 and my mother was living with her sister/my Aunt and my cousin. Our mothers are sisters and my Aunt who raised me was adopted. Funny how the good ones die. My cousin had a baby in November 2013 and I spent so much time at her house that a winter. Naturally I’d have to see my mother and exchange a few words. One day I called her by her first name instead of mom, and she replied with so much anger and hatred “Donna? They trained you well”. To which I said “they? My real mother is dead”. And she replied in a completely opposite tone “I know baby, I’m so sorry about Auntie, I wish it was me instead”. That back and forth emotion was just too much.

That’s the last real conversation I remember. And that was about 10 years ago.

I’m seeing her later. Here. At the hospital... Last week I was talking to my doctor and I said “can you imagine if my mother came here as a patient” and she said “I think your mom should come here, for a visit”. I laughed. She said she was serious. I thought about it for a second and replied with seriousness that I’d think about it. Which didn’t take much thinking. I’m on a 1:1, I’ve been in the hospital for almost 6 months. I’ve thought about it before, reaching out, trying to have a conversation and see what happens. So why not do it here? I’m in a safe place surrounded by idiots that care about me.

This just goes to show just how much I like my doctor for me to have agreed to this. Even though I just said how I was thinking about it before, it’s been a while since I wondered about it and definitely did not think it would happen in here.

It’ll be good to get this over with but I am petrified it’s going to set me back.