pretentious-librarian

[pretentious-librarian]

Having a trauma response and trying to practice self compassion is so hard like it's not instinctual at all for me. And yet I need to take myself by the hand and be like

It's okay that you feel this way. Your rage is because you were hurt by this or it reminds you of how you were hurt. The pain you went through was real and prolonged. And avoidable. It's understandable to feel the injustice of avoidable pain. Here and now you may be safe, but your body remembers what it's like when it isn't. And your body is full of memory now.

It wasn't okay what happened to you. Not then. Not now. It's normal to feel this way when you encounter that which was wielded against you for so long. You ARE being normal about this, within the context of your lived experience. You're going to be okay.

[pretentious-librarian]

kinda looking forward to going to hell so that i can find ronald reagan and beat the shit out of him

#exchristian #exvangelical #fuck ronald reagan #capitalism #communism #socialism #trickle down economics

[pretentious-librarian]

your every smile could be a smirk,

your every act of sweetness leaves me hurt

everything about you, so honest and so kind

yet the years of lies and loss

cloud my hopeful mind

i hate that i can’t help it

i wish i could be more

but doubt is a such soothing balm for a heart like mine so sore

i wish that i could stop the way i take and twist your words

the way i twist them into lies

the way i make reality and delusion blur

all i want is to keep my heart alive

but i cant seem do it without bending your every word

i cant help but nurture my fear and my hate,

im untouchable under their protection as i fight to seal my own fate

holding high my shield of loathing, and cladding myself in the armor of doubt

provides a perfect calm i thought i could never live without

fear and hate gave me the freedom

to live in peace for many many years

they were lonely, yes,

but at least they were without

heartbreak’s burning tears

i thank fear for holding me close, for keeping me happy and safe

as i comfort myself with the faithful security of my ever-festering hate

but then you came along.

i tried and tried to shut you out

i threw away the key to that firmly locked the door

anything to keep myself safe without room for doubt anymore

yet my starving, restless heart yearned to be wild and free

after so long she just could not ignore

the sound of your song so sweet breaking down that door

my heart forces me to listen to her plea

she renders me defenseless, bringing me to my knees

there’s nothing i can do as she decides to hand over the key

your very being so true and selfless

begins to make me think i was wrong

maybe even without the fear and hate

im not so helpless after all

yet fear and hate still call to me with open arms

their smiles tempt me with promises of healing all harm

for so long they were my foundation and strength, my true one and only

for years i found their lovelessness comforting, sometimes even homely

yet their lovelessness could be cruel, and their cruelty all the more flawless

a cruelty so deep it gutted my heart and left me lonely without solace

day and night i war with myself, asking which is worse:

the loneliness so familiar or the wonderful risk of love’s curse

after many months of convincing i choose to betray them all for you

the one person who could show me

that maybe the world is not all blue

#poetry #poem #this is what happens when a misandrist gets a bf lmao #misandry #misandrist #i hate men #i was single for 3 years straight btw #romance #learning to trust men is hard

[pretentious-librarian]

Look, we joke a lot, but really, "you were born evil, wretched, worse than the scum of the earth, and it took killing a god to make you salvageable, so now you'd better be grateful to that god and thank him 10,000 times a day for it and fill your thoughts with him 24/7 and abide by the letter of his every word, lest you suffer unimaginable torture for all of eternity" is a truly horrendous thing to believe about yourself and other people

[pretentious-librarian]

i dont want god’s forgiveness. i want HIM to apologize to ME.

[pretentious-librarian]

wanting to talk to people is so fucking embarrassing. literally hi it's me again I wanted to have a conversation with you because I think you're fun to talk to. oh god you can just fucking kill me if you want sorry

[pretentious-librarian]

“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”

Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.

[pretentious-librarian]

how is it that i am a certified hater while also having an infectious amount of love in my heart

[pretentious-librarian]

I think the Hunger Games series sits in a similar literary position to The Lord of the Rings, as a piece of literature (by a Catholic author) that sparked a whole new subgenre and then gets blamed for flaws that exist in the copycat books and aren’t actually part of the original.

Like, despite what parodies might say, Katniss is nowhere near the stereotypical “unqualified teenager chosen to lead a rebellion for no good reason”.  The entire point is that she’s not leading the rebellion. She’s a traumatized teenager who has emotional reactions to the horrors in her society, and is constantly being reined in by more experienced adults who have to tell her, “No, this is not how you fight the government, you are going to get people killed.” She’s not the upstart teenager showing the brainless adults what to do–she’s a teenager being manipulated by smarter and more experienced adults. She has no power in the rebellion except as a useful piece of propaganda, and the entire trilogy is her straining against that role. It’s much more realistic and far more nuanced than anyone who dismisses it as “stereotypical YA dystopian” gives it credit for.

And the misconceptions don’t end there. The Hunger Games has no “stereotypical YA love triangle”–yes, there are two potential love interests, but the romance is so not the point. There’s a war going on! Katniss has more important things to worry about than boys! The romance was never about her choosing between two hot boys–it’s about choosing between two diametrically opposed worldviews. Will she choose anger and war, or compassion and peace? Of course a trilogy filled with the horrors of war ends with her marriage to the peace-loving Peeta. Unlike some of the YA dystopian copycats, the romance here is part of the message, not just something to pacify readers who expect “hot love triangles” in their YA. 

The worldbuilding in the Hunger Games trilogy is simplistic and not realistic, but unlike some of her imitators, Collins does this because she has something to say, not because she’s cobbling together a grim and gritty dystopia that’s “similar to the Hunger Games”. The worldbuilding has an allegorical function, kept simple so we can see beyond it to what Collins is really saying–and it’s nothing so comforting as “we need to fight the evil people who are ruining society”. The Capitol’s not just the powerful, greedy bad guys–the Capitol is us, First World America, living in luxury while we ignore the problems of the rest of the world, and thinking of other nations largely in terms of what resources we can get from them. This simplistic world is a sparsely set stage that lets us explore the larger themes about exploitation and war and the horrors people will commit for the sake of their bread and circuses, meant to make us think deeper about what separates a hero from a villain.

There’s a reason these books became a literary phenomenon. There’s a reason that dozens upon dozens of authors attempted to imitate them. But these imitators can’t capture that same genius, largely because they’re trying to imitate the trappings of another book, and failing to capture the larger and more meaningful message underneath. Make a copy of a copy of a copy, and you’ll wind up with something far removed from the original masterpiece. But we shouldn’t make the mistake of blaming those flaws on the original work.

[pretentious-librarian]

i dont want god’s forgiveness. i want HIM to apologize to ME.

#exvangelical #ex christian #exchristian #apostate #deconstruction #deconstructing christianity #religious deconstruction #yeah this one definitely doesn’t have anything to do with easter being tomorrow #religious trauma

[pretentious-librarian]

i wish i were rich because that way i could comtinue being Insane & Useless and it would be fine like not even a problem

[pretentious-librarian]

i’m being so serious when i say you do not walk out of supernatural the same person you were

[pretentious-librarian]

i feel like the boeing whistleblower case should radicalize more people. a major airline company is producing planes with less and less regard for safety and it's starting to get noticeable. man takes them to court, which would reduce profit at the cost of public safety. he fucking dies the night that boeings legal team asks him to stay an extra day. if nothing happens about this, i hope it gets through to people that america would literally kill you for a few extra cents

[pretentious-librarian]

personally if i were an artist and teenage girls happened to gravitate towards my art i would consider that the highest fucking honour imaginable

[pretentious-librarian]

[pretentious-librarian]

Daydreaming about my book:

Writing my book:

[pretentious-librarian]

If any of you ever feel like what you're doing for Palestine isn't helping anything, I'll tell you right now it's helping me. I know it is fortifying all of us who have been in this fight for years to see so many people willing to speak up. It has never been like this before.

The tide has already turned. The fact that #free palestine will have new posts everyday, that helps me. It helps my mental health knowing that Palestinians are less alone now than ever.

Yesterday I read some verses from the Quran talking about how "the blame" is not with those who wish to help but cannot, but with those who CAN help and do not.

Truly I do not care if all you do for Palestine is post in that #free palestine everyday, that is still more than many people with the means to do even more would do.

We see you. We see you standing in solidarity with us and with Palestinians. We love you. Thank you.