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*Mutual reblogs something you posted*

Me: They still like me. Thank God.

#gotta let ya know em #:3

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Disability Pride Month

Tumblr deleted my first go around at this so fuck me I guess. It was getting kinda long anyways. This ended up being almost the same length anyways

I've been postponing the choice on whether or not I would post anything about this month at all and for the last few hours I've sat and debated it pretty hard. But if any of you new spoonies out there need to know you're not alone, I'm here. You're not alone. You're not the only one who feels this way.

One in 4 U.S. adults – 61 million Americans – have a disability that impacts major life activities, according to a report in CDC’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. The most common disability type, mobility, affects 1 in 7 adults. With age, disability becomes more common, affecting about 2 in 5 adults age 65 and older.

Hi, you might know me as QueenLilithPrime or Lilith. I'm the creator of Restart Heart and Co-Founder of @fluorescent-red-studios. I'm normally not this vulnerable or talkative about my disability online but it's disability pride month. If you don't want to read it you don't have to, but this is my story about my disability struggles.

I've got a laundry list of diagnoses longer than a CVS receipt and I'm not particularly keen on sharing all of them. However I don't mind sharing a few. This post will primarily be about my physical disabilities and some hurdles I went through in coming to terms with my disability. So!

To start, I've got some genetic conditions, a severe connective tissue disorder/collagen deficit, some funky brain damage, lots of vision impairments (even though I never draw my glasses bc I'm forgetful), stress-induced seizures, whole-body nerve damage, extreme chronic pain, and a real life time limit.

It's really humbling to be told before you can even legally drink that you likely won't be around when your youngest sibling grows into adulthood. It's also quite the shock that in that moment, for the first time in your life you fear the death you so eagerly awaited before.

But anyways, this december will mark my 2 year anniversary of officially calling myself disabled, becoming a full time wheelchair user, and learning to love myself.

It's almost ironic that the same line of thinking that prevented me from taking breaks---to the point where my body shut down in order to force me to stop just 'pushing through'--- is now allowing me to love myself.

I grew up in a household where if I mentioned the excruciating pain that accompanied me like a terrible clingy pet, it was met with "You're too young to be in pain," or "No you're not in pain." That same household taught me that if I was not 'earning my keep,' that I was worthless.

Yet even with all my achievements that in retrospect seem comically 'main character' for my age at the time, it was never enough. I never believed I had worked hard enough because to my adoptive 'parents' I could always do more. So I always pushed through, ignoring my health and body because they didn't even care to recognize just how sickly their 'child' was.

That pushing through gave me seizures, shut down my body, and progressed my condition to a point of no return. When I finally was unable to even work, I lost all sense of purpose and believed I was nothing more than a waste of the oxygen I breathed.

i've always struggled with self-worth. And becoming disabled in such a... sudden way nearly broke me. The morning I woke up unable to move my legs, all I could think was "If I don't go to work I'm worthless." I was only an hour late due to sheer luck of being allowed to bring in my wheelchair that day. I don't particularly enjoy telling that story because that day was one of the darkest hours for me. It truly cemented it into my mind that I could not avoid my truth.

I am disabled.

The word is not dirty or bad. I am not "differently abled" and if you ever call me that I will punch you.

But for my fellow spoonies, my fellow disabled people. It is so hard to finally take up that title. To finally allow yourself the grace of, "I just can't do the same things."

Acknowledging my disability, letting myself breathe, and finally realizing that I do need a wheelchair and accommodations was the hardest thing in the world.

Sure I can kind of "walk," but since the day I couldn't feel my legs, I haven't been able to make it past 20 feet without collapsing to the floor and vomiting from pain. My doctors have confirmed that this will never change.

Finally taking the word disabled and attributing it to myself allowed me to finally love myself.

I don't have a choice anymore, I have to love myself.

I have to be kind enough to myself to eat even when my eating disorder is screaming from every atom of my soul that food is poison.

I have to be compassionate enough to myself to allow myself to sleep when I need it instead of forgoing the hours I so desperately need.

I have to love myself hard enough to take breaks, to break every single mindset and trained thought inside of me that I was raised and molded to become.

I have to love myself hard enough to tell me that at the end of the day, if all I could do was drink water and sleep that it was productive because god damnit I at least rested.

I don't have much strength these days. I'm not at all independent, I can't even cut a chicken nugget anymore due to how physically weak I've become.

And that's okay. I'm disabled.

I am worth love, I am worth the air I breathe and the space I take up, I am worth the food I eat. I am allowed to love myself through my disability because if I don't then no one will.

If I do not care for myself and love myself harder than ever before I will not last. I have to love myself hard enough to take care of this body that is crumbling around me.

I have people I love, I have things I still want to do. That fucking time limit and I are going to have a problem because that little shit won't stop me from living my life to its absolute fullest.

I finally fear death. Knowing that my death is no longer in my hands, that by some cruel domino effect of the universe I do not get to live a life that is as long as I deserve has sparked the last embers of willpower I had.

I don't fear dangerous situations, I don't fear the pain that has lived with me longer than any friend. My chronic pain is the only constant I have ever had.

But knowing that I've already passed 50% of my life makes me want to live that much harder. I suppose it's less of fear and more of rage? I'm mad at the universe for telling me that I will die before my mom, that my siblings won't even all be adults before I'm gone.

So out of spite, I will be the happiest motherfucker there is.

Sure it's going to be really rough---especially with how bad my condition is already---but I will not let this time limit limit my happiness.

My journey on this plane may be a short one, but I will not go out like the last embers of a fire in winter. I will burn in a blaze of joy that keeps my loved ones warm for long after I am gone.

I am disabled, and that is okay.

#GO TELL EM QUEENLILITH #This was very brave of you to be able to share your experience #Anyone who has anything negative to say about this is gonna get personally shot in the head by me 👹 #happy disability pride month #<3 #( also the art is so pretty!!) #restart heart #restart heart vn

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Please help!

I am fundraising for my good friend Zahara to help find her a place to live and have food. 3 years ago, their sister bought the house from her dad and didn't tell her. She is diagnosed with petit mal seizures and psychophysical insomnia which makes working normal jobs impossible for them. For the past 3 years she has been in and out of abusive housing situations, and their sister is removing them from their support system on the 19th of July, 2023.

Any donations, even $1, are heavily appreciated.

If you can't donate, spreading this around is also helpful.

I will even do some milestone art for it.

#I’m not able to donate but reblogging in case it finds someone who can!! #stnafgame #see thru: need a friend? #please help #pls donate #donate if you can

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I’m kinda curious abt Blaire’s family :0

Jerry and Quỳnh Tiên are the extremely proud parents of Blaire!

Jerry

Autism Rizz /silly

Programmer

Has a big peggable butt (where Blaire gets it from)

Learned Vietnamese for Quỳnh!

Malewife!!!!

Quỳnh

VP of Marketing

Jerry took her last name!

Milf <33

Wants Blaire to marry either Ezra or Sammy bc they're smart and are childhood friends

Loves Sammy and Ezra as if they were her own kids

How they met!

They actually met in college! Jerry saw Quỳnh in one of his business classes and figured since she didn't talk to many people it might be nice to reach out and offer her some help! Turns out she had just immigrated at the time and was kinda shy about her english, so he learned vietnamese! After getting to know her a little better and practicing his vietnamese all night he mustered up the courage to ask her on a date and she said yes. The rest is history!

#awww this is so cute #Jerry looks like he gets pegged lmao #a girl boss and her male wife #plus their thot daughter #love em #restart heart #restart heart vn #asks

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Hi there, I’m just reaching out to say sorry that your supportive post was high jacked by hate. It’s still greatly appreciated and I hope you have a good rest of your day despite the situation. 💞

Omg hi I’m so sorry I didn’t check my inbox cause I wasn’t expecting anything, thank you for this, I feel so bad that I didn’t reply to this sooner ahhhhhhh

#IM SO SORRY #AHHHHH #asks #UR SO NICE OML

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I want moots so I’m gonna advertise my friendship :3

Hiii My names Shania, I’m 20 and I’m an interior design student!!

I’m in a large variety of fandoms but to list a few, game wise I’m into STNAF, 14dwy, My dear hatchetman, Restart Heart and a bunch of other yan VNs.

Music wise I’m into kpop a bit, I stan TWICE, (G)-idle, Stray Kids, KARD, BlackPink and BLACKSWAN. Other than that I’d say I’m pretty into indie pop and stuff like that.

Hmu if you wanna be moots!! my messages are open for everyone :) PLEASE NOTE THO THAT I WILL NOT BE RESPONDING TO ANYONE WHO I FEEL IS A MINOR CAUSE I PERSONALLY FEEL WEIRD TALKING TO MINORS AS FRIENDS EVEN IF THE CONVERSATION IS NOT EXPLICIT.

(( I can’t believe I’m this desperate for friends on tumblr T-T ))

#stnafgame #see thru: need a friend? #14 days with you #14dwy #restart heart #my dear hatchet man #camp willowpeak #twice #stray kids #Kard #BlackPink #black swan #yandere visual novel #kpop #tumblr moots #i want moots #i’m lonely

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How would Kenneth react if someone made MC cry? ( + how would he react if HE made MC cry because of something he said )

I wanna see how far this man’s morals go…

If someone else made you cry? Depends on their status! Broski's super annoying like that. If it's someone he could use to climb the social ladder he would agree with them. If it's someone he deems "lesser" than him? They're a goner.

He's got a dacryphilia kink, crying is incredibly pretty to him, primarily if he caused it and the two of you are alone! He's gonna get real soft and get this stupid expression of enjoyment as he gets closer, wiping your tears and licking his finger before telling you to cry more.

He's terrible 👍

#gobsmacked #I CAN FIX HIM I PROMISE AJSFGK #I’m so far gone that I’d let him make me cry T-T #He’s so toxic yet so attractive at the same time?!???

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what do I even use tumblr for….

#ideas #ummmm #help? please?

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YES YES I 100% AGREE!!! Anons need to learn boundaries, the devs are REAL PEOPLE who have REAL problems and REAL lives to live. Some of them rely on their games entirely as a form of income, you can’t just go around accusing someone of awful stuff with no proof and trying to hold them accountable for something they didn’t do?!!? SOMEONE COULD LOSE THEIR FUCKING JOB BECAUSE OF THINGS LIKE THAT. FUCKING STOP AND GET A DAMN LIFE INSTEAD OF HARASSING NICE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET.

Since I can’t send this as an ask I’m just gonna make a post lol.

@restartheartvn @queenlilithprime

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your game and the characters you’ve created. I hate that some losers decided to take things too far and ruin the way the fandom on tumblr used to be. There is nothing wrong with you or your game and I really really appreciate how hard you’re working on it cause developing a game is something a lot of people could never do. I love the designs and unique personalities of all the characters and I can’t wait to see how your project grows in the future :)), I’m not able to support you with money since I’m struggling a bit myself but I’ll support in any other way I can cause I genuinely enjoy your game and from what I’ve seen of your personality through the way you interact with other creators and your fans, you seem like a genuinely sweet person and I really hope you’re doing better now mentally than before.

Keep taking care of yourself and try not to let anything some dumbass on the internet says get to you, you have an entire fanbase for your game as well as other devs who’ll always have your back <33

( ik this is super late and super cheesy but I felt like it needed to be said )

#this is getting way too common #restart heart #restart heart vn #yandere visual novel #peepaw came to slay ✨

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Since I can’t send this as an ask I’m just gonna make a post lol.

@restartheartvn @queenlilithprime

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your game and the characters you’ve created. I hate that some losers decided to take things too far and ruin the way the fandom on tumblr used to be. There is nothing wrong with you or your game and I really really appreciate how hard you’re working on it cause developing a game is something a lot of people could never do. I love the designs and unique personalities of all the characters and I can’t wait to see how your project grows in the future :)), I’m not able to support you with money since I’m struggling a bit myself but I’ll support in any other way I can cause I genuinely enjoy your game and from what I’ve seen of your personality through the way you interact with other creators and your fans, you seem like a genuinely sweet person and I really hope you’re doing better now mentally than before.

Keep taking care of yourself and try not to let anything some dumbass on the internet says get to you, you have an entire fanbase for your game as well as other devs who’ll always have your back <33

( ik this is super late and super cheesy but I felt like it needed to be said )

#restart heart #restart heart vn #yandere visual novel #yandere #queen lilith #had to get this out of my head