redbone135

[redbone135]

Its so good to see you pop up in my notes! I was thinking about reaching out just yesterday 🥰

Hope everything is good with you!

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond - yeah, I'm pretty sporadic these days! I'm trying to cut way back on Social Media and Screens in general since the baby got here.

How have you been?

[redbone135]

The Best Part of the Holidays: A Baby’s POV

My first people: For the first few months of my life I’ve been in quarantine. No shots = no people. Not that I know much about people: my world is this house and my social life is very limited to Mom and Dad. But Thanksgiving changes all of that. Mom and Dad are having company and they’re very excited. They’ve been in quarantine, too. Mom makes a feast - she’s cooking for three days to get ready. No expense is spared on turkey and pie and champagne for all of the guests to toast me and my health. Dad cleans like crazy - he puts a new table cloth in the dining room, buys new plants for the garden, even gets me a new turkey outfit to wear. They’re excited, and I can see why - because at dinner… people arrive. Like Mom and Dad, but different. They bring flowers and gifts and side dishes. But I couldn’t care less about those things - they also bring tickles and hugs and stories to share with me. I’m so excited for the new people who talk to me and snuggle with me that I can’t sleep. First, I skip my afternoon nap. Then my evening nap. Then, bedtime rolls around and I have to be swaddled in an effort to coax sleep from me. It doesn’t work. Because everyone is laughing and having fun and I don’t want to miss a second of it! And that’s when Daddy gets the call…

Grandma is holding me: My grandma is the best. She is warm and patient and happy… normally. But today she is not. She is holding me tight and kissing my head and I love that, but she isn’t smiling at me like she normally does. She normally looks at me and says “Monkey” - my family calls me Monkey - “you are my sunshine!” But today, my Dad puts a hand on her shoulder and asks, “You ready to go, mom?” and he is wearing black just like Grandma. He is not smiling, just like grandma. “Monkey,” she whispers, looking into my eyes - we have the same blue eyes - “Grandma just needs a little extra strength today.” And she looks so grim that I think maybe she has forgotten how to smile. So I show her how - eyes wide, lips parted, nose crinkled. Just the way she taught me to. And it is my first real smile, but I must do a good job with it because it works. Grandma remembers. Her whole face lights up. “Did you see that?” she asks my Dad. “He smiled at me!” And Dad remembers how to smile too. Mom goes to get the camera. “I needed that today,” Grandma says, giving me a little extra hug. “I need my boys…” “We’ll be here as long as we can, mom,” Dad assures her. And we are all smiling because grandma is holding me.

Lights: Turns out Dad can stay longer than Mom. Dad drags a folding table out from the garage and sets it up in Grandma’s attic with a computer and a headset. That is apparently all he needs to stay. But Mom has something called a job - she’s been talking about it for a few days now - and while I’m hazy on the specifics, apparently they don’t have these jobs in Tennessee. There is some debate about whether I need to go back to Florida with Mom or stay in Tennessee with Dad - but Grandma settles that debate the way she settles all my cries and fits. She hugs me tight and promises to take care of me. So I get to stay with Grandma and she takes me to look at Christmas lights in the nearest city. Christmas lights are the best thing ever. They sparkle and blink and change color and I can’t tear my eyes away. There are tons of people out, but none of them stop to look at the lights. They are rushing in and out of stores and talking on their phones and I can’t believe I am the only one mesmerized by these beautiful, miraculous things, like stars, but so close I could touch them. Every time Grandma tries to take me into the stores I cry - missing the lights so badly. “Monkey, don’t worry, I just want to get your picture with Santa,” she explains, but I don’t like it. Not until I see the blinking blue lights on the tree next to Santa. In the picture, Santa is smiling at the camera. I am smiling at the lights. Grandma is smiling at me. 

Singing: On Christmas Eve Mom and Dad take me to church for the first time. The pastor pulls Dad aside and asks about Grandma. Several of the congregation gather around Mom to ask her questions. I get fussy as they find their seats and try to get situated with me between them. I whine a little because I want Mommy to hold me. Then I whine a little more when she moves her necklace out of my reach. I’m not sure about this whole church thing… and then the most glorious thing happens. Everyone starts to sing, all together, like the Froggie Song Daddy sings when he tries to comfort me, but louder. And all together. With a piano. And bells. It’s beautiful and I start to nod my head along with the music. Even when they stand up and light the candles, I am still bobbing along. It is so nice of everyone to sing for me. On the car ride home mom asks, “Do you think Silent Night is a lie? I mean, newborn baby, lots of barn animals, it can’t have been quiet, could it?” But Daddy doesn’t answer, he has his head bowed in prayer. 

New PJs: When it’s time for bed, Daddy puts me in a new set of PJs. Unlike my old pajamas, these are fuzzy. They are also too big. Dad rolls up the sleeves so I can stick my little hands out, but there is nothing that can be done about the feet: they hang loose - past my toes - like little flippers, making me look less like their little Monkey and more like a frog. While I am getting used to the idea of fuzzy pajamas, I listen to Mom and Dad talk. “What kind of dad am I going to be - I couldn’t even get his pj size right?!” “So we’ll save them for a few months and then he can wear them.” “But it’s Christmas Eve, he’s supposed to have new pjs on Christmas Eve.” “So we’ll put him in one of the pairs your mom got him in Tennessee.” “You don’t get it.” "Is this maybe not about the pajamas?” I stretch my little fingers out and gently place them over the polka dots on the front of my jammies, running the soft, fur-like material over my palms. Suddenly, I’m a stuffed animal: soft and round and warm. I’m so happy I give a little kick. The feet on my new pajamas go “flip-flop”. It’s a fun noise, and the movement bounces my crib back and forth like it’s rocking. I do it again, harder. The crib rocks again. Without taking my hands from the soft fur - because I can’t stop petting the soft fur - I kick again, this time two in a row and the floppy noise from my flipper feet is so funny I give a little giggle. These are great - I wish all my jammies had flipper feet. “Honey, look at him!” “What’s he doing?” “Having fun.” “You think he likes them?” “I think he loves them. And he loves you. And your step dad loved you, too.” I fall asleep that night, little fists clutching the new soft pajamas, snuggled up so warm that I sleep for six hours straight. 

Bouncer: Christmas morning Mom and Dad take all the paper off the things that they spent the last two days putting it on. I don’t get it. They hold up each object for me to look at afterward. I don’t know what any of them are. Mommy picks up a new stuffed monkey - she wiggles it over my face pretending it is kissing me. I cross my eyes, trying to focus on it, but it’s still a little too fuzzy. Daddy helps me put a new dinosaur teething ring in my mouth. I suck on it for a minute or two and then spit it out, because if there isn’t any milk, what’s the point? After the parade of things, they put me in my bouncer to make tea and call Grandma. I’m relieved to be back in my bouncer and so I kick to get a decent bounce going, one foot and then two, until I’m laughing and having a great time. My Grandma put me in my bouncer the week they brought me home from the hospital. I was too small to bounce myself then, and so she would push it for me. But now I’ve really grown into it, and I’m so good at it. Mom takes a sip of her tea  from her new cat mug in the doorway and smiles. “All those new toys and the only thing he wants to play with is his old bouncer,” she chuckles as Dad joins her, putting an arm around her waist and offering her a bit of a Christmas cookie he’d been eating. “If it ain’t broke,” Dad sighs, and then with a sad smile, “I wish he could have had a better first holiday season.” But I don’t know what he’s talking about - I had the best holiday season!

#prose #writing #holidays #parenthood #new baby

[redbone135]

Today's goal : Work on having arms.

"See? Having arms isn't so bad," my partner coos to our new son as she let's him grab onto her fingers and wiggle around. I chuckle to myself, mentally adding 'having arms' to the growing list of things Baby seems to hate, that myself and most other humans have come to accept as generally pretty great. Eating. Sleep. Having arms…

See, my partner and I have reached our first parenting disagreement and decided on a compromise, that in the spirit of any true compromise means everyone is being inconvenienced. Except Baby. He's definitely getting the best end of the deal. 

See, our son hates having his arms free. From the second he came into the world, arguably before if our lack of sonogram pictures without hands covering his face serve as evidence, he has cried himself hoarse until someone swaddled him, or held him tight, or even just put a couple strong fingers on his shoulders to prevent that startle reflex from kicking in. This is a problem as we return from the hospital where he is being professionally swaddled and constantly monitored, to the care of our own amateur hands and a pile of newborn swaddles that are all too big for his very early self. I do not want him swaddled while sleeping, because once broken, a swaddle is just a blanket, and we all know safe sleep practices about blankets in cribs. My partner doesn't want him crying himself hoarse, which it is clear he plans to do if left unsupervised with his own arms - not only does it upset her to hear, but we are already a little concerned about his vocal cords for other reasons. So the compromise? Obviously we will sleep in shifts to make sure someone is always watching him sleep with a swaddle. We both get our way, but lose our sleep. 

Is it a permanent and sustainable solution? No. Is it full of New Parent Paranoia? Absolutely! Has everyone and their mothers offered us their well-meaning advice and solutions? You can bet the farm on it. But being aware of all this doesn't change the fact that he is so small and so fragile and so important to both of us.

So don't get this post wrong: it isn't me looking for answers, or complaining, or searching for validation.

It's me, and Baby, and it's 4 am. And I've got hours to pass while he and his mama sleep. So I'm doing what I do best in times like these. I'm taking the quiet to reflect on a hectic week. I'm processing where I was and where I'm at. And I'm putting it to prose for the hell of it. 

So as I punctuate the sentence with one hand, and look down at my satisfied,  -swaddled-, sleeping son, I smile and whisper, "Okay little guy, today's goal: we're gonna work on having arms." It sounds ridiculous. It's half a joke. I'm not upset to be awake and I know he is happy to be held. How does one even plan for such a goal? Step one: have arms? Step two: be okay with it?

I know the real answers. The steps my partner and I have already discussed taking today to start the process. The extra research we have both set aside to do in safe sleep practices and products for exceptionally small babies. 

But as I look at my son, jokingly promising him we're going to work on overcoming a very basic and ingrained infant instinct of his, I know the truth of it.

Right now, goals don't matter. Schedules don't matter. Inconveniences don't matter. If it wasn't his vast hatred of his own limbs giving me an excuse to hold him, it would be something else. 

Any reason to hold him close while he is still small enough to fit easily in the crook of one arm. 

So, today's goal: love my son to the best of my abilities. 

And work on having arms.

#vignette #writing #late night musings #parenthood #newborn

[redbone135]

Poem: Like Father...

My father was a beatnik and I was a punk. We both hated our dads, but in very different ways. 

In our youth, we both fucked in the backseat of parked cars and burned our fingers on shaky cigarettes. But where he tried to run from his problems, I tried to fight mine. 

We both wore black like a badge, pierced with poverty and promises we couldn't keep. His were self-inflicted, mine inherited. 

We both made life about us: the main character, the lead singer, the self-centered artist. From poems scrawled on napkins to the same three chords strummed on a Goodwill guitar, we both wrote manifestos Against The Men Who Made Us without a second glance to the women who loved us dear. 

My mother was an angel, my grandmother more of the same. With saintly patience they mended the holes in torn clothing and kissed bruised and bloody knuckles until their own lips were sore and aching. They both wanted better for their sons; they both deserved better for themselves. 

I wonder what my son will be: beatnik, punk, angel? Or will he find something soft and comfortable in between two extremes? 

My father spent his whole life trying to place me into his footsteps, coaxing me through words and actions and silence to be the man he was. But as I think about those ten tiny toes and all the steps my child will take in his lifetime, I can only hope they are away from the man I used to be.

#poem #writing #late night musings #fatherhood

[redbone135]

Describe your favorite pair of socks in the tags.

#not a socks person #i havent worn them since i went home last November and had to

[redbone135]

[redbone135]

I love love

[redbone135]

Tag Game

3 ships: My three most recent I've written about have been Spike x Buffy, Neal Cassidy x Emma Swan, and Frenchie x Kimiko.

First ever ship: Jasmine and Aladdin... I think...

Last Song: Who Loves You by The Four Seasons

Currently Reading: There's not much reading getting done at my house lately. I've been reading A Heart So Fierce And Broken for a couple months now but keep getting distracted.

Last movie: Sara insisted on watching Shrek 2 this weekend, so that.

Currently craving: Sleep mostly.

Tag game

3 ships: SWANFIRE!! Hiccup and Astrid, Laurie and Amy

First ever ship: Hmmm… don’t laugh, but I’m pretty sure it was either Spirit and Rain or Black Beauty and Ginger. No shame.

Last song: “Never Back” from Sight & Sound’s DAVID (I HIGHLY recommend you give the soundtrack a listen)

Last movie: Free Willy (my childhood!!)

Currently reading: Sadly nothing at the moment (unless I Samuel in the Bible counts?) but I want to pick The Princess Will Save You by Sarah Henning back up

Currently craving: Nothing. My belly’s full of dinner and ice cream so I’m content lol

Tagging: @swanfireprincessmydear @redbone135 @sadsongsandwaltzes @fictional-at-heart @swanfireouat @selkiesstories @oldfarmerbillswife @coneygoil

[redbone135]

"You ask why I had loved her,

I ask; how could I not?" ☀

[redbone135]

Daughters of the Crown

[redbone135]

Eaves-peeping out of hiatus to post necessary @dimension20official art of the best finale episode ever

[redbone135]

comm of vamp buffy and human spike 🪦🩸

[redbone135]

im sorry for not updating any of my fics (specifically my lv one). i have no motivation lol.

[redbone135]

ok I did crown of candy too

[redbone135]

It’s ironic you say you hated Moby Dick! My brother just excitedly bought it from B&N last week😂

Oh no, how's he liking it? I loved the first 3rd, but everything after that is just made up gibberish. Literally, most of the animal facts the author gives are incorrect.

Also, if he's old enough to read Moby Dick, he's definitely old enough to read Jurassic Park, which is way better. Get him a copy of that instead!

[redbone135]

I’m in season 6 of Criminal Minds and guess what?? I love it EVEN more than I did in the beginning!!! (And I think I saw the roommate one you were telling me about once🥴)

Neat! I bet at this point you've made it farther than I did! I got all caught up as season 13 was airing and just have not gone back to finish the rest.

I'm not sure about the roommate episode... the two I always hated was The Fox one and the one with the soccer girls.

[redbone135]

You ok Red?

Hey, thanks for reaching out! The short answer is, "Yeah, I'm good." I appreciate you checking up though!

However, since I've got a ton of unanswered messages and beta requests I feel like I might owe more of an explanation than that...

Life has been super crazy, starting last December, Sara and I had a string of terrible luck that lasted a couple months. We're talking everything that could go wrong did - my dog of ten years passed, our roof got damaged in not one - but three different storms, we both got the flu, her car broke down in the middle of nowhere and refused to start again, half our chicken flock just vanished over night, just a bunch of stuff that made it difficult to put energy into being social.

Then, in February, we found out our first little one is on the way. It's been a high-risk pregnancy (mom and baby are both doing well now) so our life has been consumed with doctors visits once a week, not to mention the stress of not knowing between those visits. Plus all the prep work that comes with making a space for the little guy - we've been redoing the floors, painting, going furniture shopping, so there's that.

Then, on top of that, we live in Florida. It's been an interesting time to be in Florida lately, and while I do tend to avoid talking politics, I will say that has made being in online spaces like Instagram and Tumblr difficult. As a future parent, ex-teacher, current tax payer, and a member of the queer community, a lot of aspects of my life, and the lives of those I care about, have been made more challenging over the last couple months. I'm just not up for being bombarded with opinions about those things by people not in Florida and dealing with them directly. Which is a lot of what the internet is these days.

So that's probably way more of an answer than anyone was looking for, but yeah. I'm hanging in there, and thanks for checking in!