Last Seen Blogs
allteskit
Rädda Mig
pocarifusq
PocariFusq
kylesdemon
The Art of Kyle Hutchings
nectarrenderingstudio
Nector Rendering Studio
Text
Single Mother Frustration
I made a decision that altered my entire life. I had sex without protection and now I have a son. I also made that decision without thinking about how it would affect my son later in life. As I write this my sons "father" has had no part in TJ's life for over a year. I only hear from him through text on holidays and birthdays including mine. It is always the same thing. "I miss you both and tell him that daddy loves him" i have no anger toward him anymore but sometimes I resent him very much. Especially when parenting gets hard and exhausting. Why should he get to say he loves my son when he takes no responsibility or interest in his well being?
In my last post I talk about how just a couple hours after I gave birth he left us at the hospital to go get his fix. I wasn't angry because I expected it, but I was hurt. And that's when I decided that he is too sick to care about us. He may have love for TJ but he is not well enough to take action. I care more about action than words. Like Jesus cares about your inside rather than your appearance.
Even with the threat of losing TJ he did not change. I begged him to get help and he did not. So I moved home. I am so glad I did. Because of that decision I was able to gain full custody of my son. So here I am, a newly recovering addict and single mother. I am so blessed to have parents that welcomed us with open arms. That was just another way that God saved us.
After I moved home and did not see TJ's father, he then decided to get help. He got his own apartment, only because I helped sign the lease. He ruined his credit throughout his using. He did well until his birthday was coming up. Then he suggested going to a bar for some drinks. That was not the problem, the problem was that he had more in mind. He used other drugs and so did I. (TJ was not there with us) The next day I told him that it is done. I am leaving and if he wants to be a part of our lives he needs to prove that he is in a program.
After that I vowed to myself that I will not let my guard down. Not even for him. He was a textbook narcissist and I feel sorry for him. He has the potential to be a good father. He has a 17 year old daughter too which he hardly sees either. And I commend her mother for doing the same. He is sick so I am not angry, but I do resent that I have to do a lot of things on my own that I shouldn't be doing. I did not make my son alone. And one day I am going to have to tell him why he doesn't have a dad and with Gods strength I pray I say the best thing for him.
I gave his father multiple chances to be a part of his life. All I asked for was proof of sobriety, but that was too much for him. Now all I hear is a text every holiday. I pray for peace because being a single parent is hard and I don't want my son to take shrapnel from our warfare. I pray for his father, that he gets the help he so seriously needs. Maybe one day he can be a part of my sons life but if it is not Gods plan then so be it.
0 notes
Text
I Did Not See a White Light
Personally my idea of a revelation used to be that it would hit you like a ray of sunshine. You would feel something so powerful it could knock you over. That was not my experience. Like I said in my history I was practically forced to turn my life around when I had my son. And I believe my revelation came when I was in the hospital for 30 days, not as a patient but because my son was in the Nicu. When I look back I see just how much God watched over us. I stayed there every night even if it meant sleeping in the hallway. I knew that if I left the hospital I could mess up and that was not an option. I spent time holding my son with wires attached to him not being able to take him home because of me. And by the grace of God instead of pitying myself and using drugs I actually stepped up to the plate. I was blessed that there were two little rooms you could stay in for free if they were open. It had a shower and a bed. I was able to stay almost every night except for a few. I could not leave my son there. I was the reason he was suffering. It was up to me to comfort him. His father left the hospital hours after he was born and I will never forget the feeling of complete loneliness but relief. I was scared, there was a living being depending on me for safety and love. How could I provide that if I could hardly get a grip on myself? That morning I knew that things would have to change and I am all on my own. His father was and is still sick. My son is now two and he hasn't seen him for a year. God provided me with strength, patience, brains, and mental toughness to get through that period and after all of that he gave me a way out of my despair. I no longer cared about getting high, that was something I thought would never leave my mind. Children services got involved in my life and I am so thankful they did. They helped me make a hard decision, not by being kind but by threatening the loss of my son. I was able to stay in a place called LACADA in Lorain, OH. That place will always mean a lot to me. I saw a lot of girls, including me, going through torment and torture, but our collective issues made the place bearable. Not only that, but I was able to take care of my son through it. My goodness that was hard. But again, God was helping me before I realized he was there. My revelation is that I was called to be a mother. I was called for more than that but right now my important role is providing for my son and getting closer with God. I really should've died doing the crazy things I did. I shouldn't of made to today, but here I am. I struggle with the idea of a revelation because I never felt any powerful sign. It just happened and I did what I felt needed to be done. I see testimonies of others getting a dream, or hearing something, or seeing something, but sometimes that just doesn't happen. My whole life flipped before I felt like God was there. Sometimes He will really shake things up to get you to listen.
0 notes
Text
Jesus Came for the Broken
Jesus came for those who were lost, broken, and sick. He did not care if you prayed at the alter at church every Sunday. He did not care that the Pharisees and Scribes (legalistic Jewish religious party and teachers of the Law of Moses) put on a show for the people making them look pure and righteous. Jesus knew their hearts and their mind. Most followed the Law by the book but did not care to intermingle themselves with the sick or poor. They did not follow Jesus around to learn from him, they followed him to wait for a reason to arrest because they felt like their lifestyle was being threatened.
My point is that Jesus does not care if you come to church in a hoodie or a dress. He cares about how you treat those around you and your honest motive for following him. He cares about compassion, kindness, patience, understanding, and most of all love. And that is a wonderful thing. Most believe that Christianity is a holier than thou type religion. We are not supposed to act that way towards others. We are not supposed to boast or point out others mistakes. That is not our place as followers of Christ. Our job is to help someone when they ask, comfort the mourning, and tell others about the blessing God has to offer. We are not to push our belief down others throats, but we are show, by example, the blessings that come from having a relationship with God.
Let me give you some scripture to ponder Luke 5:31-32 "They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance" Jesus was referring to the Pharisees as righteous because that was how they saw themselves. And he was referring to the sick as the tax collectors because that is how the Pharisees viewed them. He called them sick because they were spiritually sick. Jesus dying on the cross replaced the countless rituals that took place in the old testament. He was the ultimate sacrifice so that we can freely worship how we like. There is no one strict way besides the rules that Jesus ha asked us to follow. It is wonderful to read the bible when you can. It is not necessary to have a relationship. So mothers if you miss a day or two please don't beat yourself up. It is more about how you treat those around you and how you contribute to your community. That is something I am learning now.
My most important task is to learn how to love like Christ so that I can show that love to my son and others I meet. I do not want to live like the Pharisees who thought they were righteous because they followed a long list of rituals, I want to live more like Christ so that I can shows others the Love and mercy he has shown me.
0 notes
Text
A Personal History
I would like to start with a little history of myself. My name is Em and my sons name is TJ. I am 25 and my son is 2. Let me just say I was not prepared to be a mother in the slightest. I was a mess and my life was spiraling. I have been on and off drugs since I was 15 when finally at 22 I got the hardest wake up call that God knew I needed, I became a mother. I was a very depressed teenager and never knew why, nor did I seek help. I found hard drugs instead.
As most stories like mine drugs fixed the problem short term and once I realized that it was too late. I could not stay away. My brain was changed and it was going to take a few rock bottoms before I finally got out. I was in and out of treatment programs for a couple years, each time I did well for awhile but it did not last because I never really addressed the underlying problems. I know that God was looking at me with sadness. I left home a few times after I was 18 and lived with people who "understood" what I needed. I lived in a car for a whole summer until I was arrested.
I know God was trying to save me because I was arrested in my hometown. I was one of the lucky few that got assigned help rather than Jail. I spent three days in a little cell as sick as can be with no comforts of home or a hospital. I will never forget those days.I am now thankful for, but at the time I was so angry. I was angry that I got caught, I was angry that I couldn't leave and get a fix, and I was angry at myself for getting so far from myself. I got help, I did well, I got a job, I went to meetings, but again I did not take care of my inner self. Less than a year later I was back at a facility and this time I messed up before I even finished the program. I met someone in there and they agreed to take me with them. So I told them I wanted to leave and set it up so he would pick me up. How could I be so stupid you ask? Well, I ask myself the same question from time to time and I think it was because I had no self worth and one thing on my mind, I need to get high.
Long story short I ended up moving in with him and his family. I spent almost 2 years in straight hell on earth. And then one day I decided I needed help and when I went to the clinic to get on medication they gave me a pregnancy test which was standard procedure. I will never forget the feeling I had when the Dr. said "congratulations." I felt the blood in my body leave through my feet. I thought what am I going to do? I have nothing, I'm still very addicted to opiates, and I'm now tied to this person for life. By the grace of God children's services was involved and I got clean, stayed clean, and had my son. Because of my medication he had to stay in the nicu for a whole month. I will save that story for later. After he was out of the nicu I was not allowed to sleep in the same home as him for two weeks. My choice was go into a facility where he could stay with me or give up temporary custody. And thank the Lord that my head was clear enough to choose the facility. I had to wait one more week before he could come stay with me and let me tell you that week was miserable but it was also necessary. It showed me that I had to get better or I would lose my son. That was an easy choice for me.
Where is the father you might ask? He continued to use and I had to leave him. I will also discuss this further in a later post. I completed my program and moved home with my parents. And now it will be 3 years in June since I have touched any drugs. My son is healthy and so am I. And I only have God to thank for saving me by giving me such a challenging but rewarding job. God had mercy on me in spite of all the wrong I have done and I am beyond grateful for it. This blog is dedicated to showing how you can survive and find your way to peace through a relationship with God. You can become who God created you to be and you can be the parent the Children God gave you because He knows that you're fit for the position. Thank you for reading and I hope to glorify God through my story.
1 note
·
View note