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Chest has been hurting due to stress everyday. On my best behaviour my family refuses to help me when I can’t walk, or even just leave me alone. If I panic and cause problems they hate me and explicitly say they don’t care. I’m so fucking tired, my chest hurts to the point where I think I’m gonna die. My family won’t change even though I’ve been in and out of the hospital multiple times. Everyday is hell and no ones gonna help me. 

#sourpatchvents #lmao #i am in pain

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I wanna die, would b nice

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yes i am a girl yes i am not a girl. we exist

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Wait game grumps? What did they do?

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One of the best dance routines I’ve ever watched.

The Nicholas Brothers

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Girl what am I being sold here?

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The Collection

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illus. Kagemaru Himeno “Omanyte” from Fossil

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SHOULD PEOPLE CARE IDK

So I have friends who know I hate it when they take a long time to respond. I get super nervous and paranoid that they hate me now. Super clingy stuff, with that in mind I’ve been trying to be a bit more laid back with that and giving them time to respond. However, I’m pretty sure a week is a bit much to wait for a response. 

This comes from a lot, this friend seems to have their shit all together, a job they like, studying their profession while maintaining a really good grade without trying, a boyfriend and a dog. This friend does go through a lot of shit don’t get me wrong, but it seems like every time I talk to him he's over the moon happy about how good his life is, and to me, it feels fake, like he’s lying to himself and me to get me off his back or something. But then I think that; I’m probably really fucking jealous. I’m jealous things seem to go well and easily for him, that he lives in a big house and people aren’t threatening to kill him all the time and such. Once again, his life is far from perfect but he's trying to be positive. I guess that positivity is what fucks with me. He’s chided my negativity before. But it seems like I have to deal with everyone else’s negativity and be praised for it being called “patient” and “kind” for listening to others' problems. But then if I did the same thing I’m “too much” and “stressful to be around”.

This friend used to vent to me every day about something, and to be blunt I don’t think any of these problems left him, but that he’s ignoring it. Probably my jealously talking but fuck man, nothing’s changed but his attitude, and that’s all theoretical too. I feel like him not responding is him running away from things. He used to talk every day, for hours about his favorite stuff. It was great. We’d see each other almost every week. But now, nearly nothing. 

It’s probably just me

#friend #vent #lonely #jealous

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Damn, I accidentally reblogged shit on this account. It’s fine the porn bots give no fucks

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I’m glad so many porn bots love my vents, stick around hoes there’s plenty more angst where that came from!

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Works Shit

Here we go again, this is gonna be a long one as a long has been bugging me lately. I’ll try to talk about the biggest things first then get to the smaller ones but they all to some degree eat at me one way or another.

First off: work. I work in a particular department and in that department is a dude named Thomas, he's a year older than me and he's weird. He worked at the pet store a year longer than me hence he has more experience and confidence in the job. In the past, the most he’s done is correct me in front of customers and embarrass me by budding into conversations he wasn’t a part of and just assumed I was wrong because of whatever. But he’s a nice guy and I can’t be mad at someone for trying to give someone the right information. However, there is one big issue with him. A few months after I started, he and his girlfriend broke up. And his reaction was to ask many customers out. He would directly go up to young women and flirt with them, he’d eventually ask them for their numbers and actually got a few. It made me incredibly uncomfortable, him feeling like it was ok to just intrude on girls lives while he was at work and in uniform and just bother them simply because he found them cute. I didn’t do anything, past experience has told me to keep out of it, however, my coworkers who were closer to him would tell him to stop. A lot of the time though it was more of a joke. He’d ask girls out and coworkers would say its “cute” or “sad” as if it's ok to do. It was just normal and that I really believed was a terrible thing to do, to condone, to normalize. And I didn’t do anything. After a while, he stopped, but rather recently something came up, a review of our store on google from a girl who had a bad experience with Thomas. She described the standard thing we all knew Thomas to do when he saw a girl. He’d offer his assistance, flirt, and finally, ask for their numbers. This was what the girl describes as she warned girls who come into the store to keep away from Thomas and how disgusted they were by the entire situation. It was difficult to see that, knowing that I could’ve helped that poor girl by stepping in at one point or telling Thomas to stop. But I didn’t. And now this girl had to be faced with an uncomfortable experience in our store. But this is what I thought would do it, I thought I’d finally get to see Thomas face the consequences of his actions as a public review would be posted and managers would be forced to see some sort of damage control. But the exact opposite happened. Despite everyone’s first reaction to the post being “We told him to stop or he’d get in trouble” and “Oh wow that took longer than I thought”. It was clear we all knew, it was clear that it DID happen. However, when management got involved they saw him as the victim of an allegation written in bad faith by an employee. The defense or evidence to back up this claim was that Thomas never wears his name tag and that he never ACTUALLY asked girls out, despite an entire store of witnesses. His first defense, that he never wears his name tag was the easiest to find bullshit with. Wearing a name tag is part of the job. It’s policy. I’ve been written up for not wearing mine after a customer looked for me for days at a time. Yet he gets a pass, call it seniority, call it his social personality, but there is clear favoritism towards him from the managers. He’s gotten promotions, extra hours and even had pizza eating contests with the other managers. No matter what he gets a pass. It doesn’t stop there, he has many times told people his name, so it’s not impossible to imagine if he's flirting with a girl and asking for contact information he would tell them who he is. Secondly, it’s a clear fact that he does this, regardless of who wrote the review, it’s still something we have all seen him do whether or not this post is legitimate. Once again, everyone's first reaction was “I told him to stop”, not even shock or surprise, just a mild, calm disappointment. It doesn’t matter though, because once word spread that it was ‘fake’ everyone pointed the finger at me. My managers stopped acknowledging me, if I need backup or help they leave me alone to deal with it. They even lied to me just to make my life miserable.

This is part two of work, ever since the big blame game, everyone's had something to say to me. Some two cents to throw in the mix. And my managers had the most influence. Just for background, due to scheduling issues, half my department is off for the next few weeks. Meaning for the remainder of us, we have had our hours increased a lot, which I was so happy about! 15 hours turned to 40 which means I can probably buy some stuff for myself here and there with the extra funds. However, once the week started I got rather sick. I first felt it at work. That slowed my day down a lot but not enough to be too noticeable. The next day however when I woke up, it was terrible. I couldn’t get out of bed and when I did I could barely think or see straight. So I did the logical option, I called in sick and went to the doctors to get some medication. While waiting in the office, I got a call from work saying they had no one to cover me and I had to come in to take the shift despite my state. It wasn’t so bad at first, so I agreed to go after the doctor. It turned out I had an infection and needed powerful antibiotics which I had to take right before work. I felt terrible. I almost threw up, but I managed to get the basic things done, but unfortunately missed a few things here and there. So it went decently for what I was dealing with. The next day's shift would be twice as long and twice as difficult. At this point, I had a big build up of antibiotics while my body was still fighting the infection. Not to mention I had to make up for the openers slow opening chores. I did what I could, but 5 hours in, I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. While I was occupied with this, I heard over our headset that people needed my help and the only manager that could take it over just didn’t. I assume she had something else to do but I gathered myself up and helped the customers, noticeably wobbly and disoriented. There were a lot of customers and I asked over the headset for the manager to come back and lend a hand. No answer. Not even to say “I can’t I’m busy” just left me alone to deal with it. After I got the bulk of the customers, a coworker saw me and the state I was in. She immediately went to get a manager and as soon as she showed up I ran back to the bathroom for round 2. When I came back I was faced with being reprimanded for not getting everything done, and I still needed to finish the shift. After a bit, I managed to convince her I needed to go home early, so after my coworker came to cover me, I left for the night. I had to do an opening shift today, throughout the night I threw up twice, and knew I couldn’t do the shift, I had to ask Thomas for the managers number, and he had responded with “She says only if its for work purposes” which just reminded me that everyone judged me for the google review. I agreed and promptly texted her that I would need a sick day. Her response was “You need to have someone take your shift then, and given that its an opening shift you’re not gonna get anyone to cover for you” and I began to panic. I didn’t think I could physically get there, and as for covering a shift, everyone was taken. I began to panic thinking I would lose my job. I ended up going to the hospital and texting her “I have to go to the hospital, I’m sorry” to which she retracted her initial statement and corrected herself that if it was that serious there wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t come. She only told me that after I panicked. I was so distraught about it. She made me freak out, she knew I was in a terrible physical state from the day before and yet made me believe that I’d have to put up with it for 8 hours simply because she wanted me to. I don’t know how any of this is legal, I don’t know why she had it out for me that bad knowing I’d panic the way I did. Regardless, the hospital gave me 3 days off to relax. Rip paycheck.

That's it for now, I’ll probably write more later.

#vent #work #scared #angry

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Depression (Ya!)

It’s always been weird to me that people don’t appreciate each other while they can. I’ve been trying for the past few years to let the people I care about know I care about them, most of the time it comes off as sarcastic or just weird when I really really want it to be seen as sincere, it’s what I wanna communicate. But what gets to me is how a lot of people, at least that I know refuse to show they care until its absolutely necessary. 

Actions will speak louder than words, and I don’t tend to ask for big things. Sometimes it's for someone to curb a behavior or to stop bringing specific topics up, and yet periodically nothing changes. However if I tried to take my life, if I tried to commit suicide that's when people actually ‘care’. That's when people tell you “I’m here if you need to talk”. As if to say I didn’t need to talk every day. As if me talking made a difference. I can talk all I want and no one will ever listen. Not really. 

Showing you care about someone can be pretty basic, fulfilling basic requests, giving them the time of day, not telling them to kill themselves because they couldn’t find your socks for you. Pretty basic stuff but for some reason, people want to show they care by making big grand gestures when you’re at your lowest. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that they just don’t want to face the fact that I was driven to that point directly because of them. So they pretend when it's convenient, but still that would only last a day or two.

#vent #depression #angst #suicide #tigger warning

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Angsty thought of the day : if I died tonight would anyone care?

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Its a harsh cycle with me, I starve myself, get hungry, eat a bunch, then I hate myself and starve again. Don’t know how to break it. I just wanna starve to death one day.

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Why do parents yell and hit their kids?