#[ one day you will be loved again I'M SURE ]

[necromeowncy]

♡♡♡

#*pokes my head in* hi #I'm taking a hiatus from my main on Twitter #I guess I'm only kinda taking one here? not sure yet #Tumblr has always been a safe and welcoming place for me for the most part so I'm trying to be a little more open here ♡ ;w; #so to anyone reading these tags #I've been going through a very rough patch in terms of fandom/personal life/XIV Twitter/the wolgraha sphere in general #Mainly my perception on social media #but since I started my hiatus from public twitter I've been doing SO much better mentally #been writing and gposing every day and it feels nice to create again #creating for myself and my own very specific tastes feels good so I will keep doing that! :) #so here you go! some bathtime AedRaha #I'm very in love with AedRaha and always will be #thank you for reading these tags if you did <3 sorry if I was a bit vague lol I've had a lot going on lately #wolgraha #wol x g'raha tia #aedric vaillencourt #elezen #gpose #my poses #g'raha tia #AedRaha

[averlym]

no one would notice if i ever vanished // if bodies could sustain // this never-ending army // like blood pumping through a vein

(click for better resolution!)

:OOO hello. anyway since these are all posters i'd have in an ideal world or smth and i'd like to store the high res versions somewhere,,, here's the google drive folder for them? hehe ''

close up!

#adamandi #vincent aurelius lin #i'm back with the posters! or smth! idk!! #i'm maybe just a bit obsessed with vincent. such a Character. #where can i run is sustaining me single-handedly through this exam season (<- has cried thrice in the last two days; alas; but moving on) #my stress response was that in a fit of apathy i shut myself down from academia and stopped to paint this #six hours total? on this funky little thing! had to push myself to finish the magnifying glass but!! looks so cool. i'm impressed with my e #fun fact: all the shades are hand-coloured. aka everything is digitally hand painted hooray!! i havent painted for a long time (ish) #smth about this musical makes me want to paint. it's very lovely that way #it's also a miracle i haven't gotten carpal tunnel or any wrist injuries so far... i'm a lucky person! hooray #i had so many thoughts to ramble about and now i don't recall any of them. #-! about this piece: inspired specifically by that one line that i doodled in the margins of a math practice last night #the diagonal slant was very. thinky. the rendering and angle were kinda contradictory to do but it's fineeee (draft was diff. pov) #i liked the red abstraction. and the way that people (misc) gave same vibes as red blood cells. #green for vincent because contrasting colour!! considered a spotlight that was more obv bc. again theatre lighting is so cool. but that was #a bit too literal? i think. so just fun little highlights. no one look at the accuracy of anything here though.. shadows do Not do this #also like hehehe lin. forest. forest of people. i really liked thinking about that. hehehe #i didn't know the font to use!! or quote!! so i slapped on the name of the musical and called it a day... the blank one is in the google- #-folder if you want to add your own stuff :') also also i wasn't sure about cropping at all. so again high res in google drive link #which is under the keep-reading sign! kind of a choose your own adventure because i'm lazy :3 #ajhshdhfhfhfhf i think i've been fuelled by the tags under each post so far. so intensely. so very nice. #also when the cast or creators drop fun facts... serotonin right there.. they're all so nice waaagh it's so cool that they like my stuff >< #<laughs> really grateful that the whole fandom's so sweet <3 thank you for your support TvT #alright!! off to mess about with chemistry. jiayou me. #oh yes. a post script about the cropping crisis: i wasn't sure how small i wanted to make him. in proportion to the crowd. so if you see it #on mobile ig it's tiny and on laptop it kind of makes sense ...

[cerise-on-top]

Cried on the train today, then thought of this! This is just me coping to the highest degree again, but I thought other people might like this as well!

Nikolai as a Father

First off, he’d likely be absent rather often. He was a soldier, he runs a PMC, he’s a busy man through and through. That’s why he won’t be able to see you as often as he’d like. He’d have loved to see all your accomplishments, meeting your first partner and intimidating them, your graduation, the first time you performed on stage, but it wasn’t possible due to work. He does feel bad about it, but he can’t help it. He will try to make it up to you somehow, though he’d understand if you couldn’t forgive him. He does try to be there for you whenever he can, visiting you whenever possible, but you will be apart from each other more often than not. However, if you ever have any suggestions regarding what you’d like to do together, he’s all ears. He has enough money to grant you any wish like that. You wanna go to Japan? You want a boat trip? You wanna go karaoke? It’s all possible, as long as he gets to experience those things with you. He really does wanna make up for the lost time.

He’s a pretty relaxed kind of father. The kind that would allow you a sip of beer when you were young. He’d have no problems with you drinking, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. You should be responsible about that sort of thing. But if you ever wanted to invite a friend over to drink a bit, then he’d have no problem with getting the booze for you. Nothing too strong while you’re still young, of course, but he gets it. You’re young, you want to be stupid and do foolish things. He was like that too when he was younger, so he won’t stop you. In fact, he’ll even drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and get you and your friend something to eat. Sometimes he might cook himself, though. Nikolai’s food is downright godly, he can cook just about anything and cook it well too. As long as you don’t invite a friend over to get blackout drunk every weekend, all is good.

I think he’d probably lie to you about his job when you’re younger. You don’t need to know that he kills people for a living. You can know that he does paperwork, though. So he’d likely tell you he works an office job that has him traveling a lot. Speaking of traveling, he’ll always bring you a souvenir. That could range from a small snow globe to a nice T-shirt he found that you might like. He may be busy, but he does think about you very often. This continues into adulthood as well. If he can’t see you and give it to you in person then he’ll just mail it to you. Won’t ever allow you to work in the same field he does, though. You’re too sweet to work as a mercenary. You can become anything you want to be, but he’ll do what he can to not have you work in the military or in a PMC. He wants you to live and live well. There are no exceptions to this. He knows you might not listen to him, but he’ll tell you over and over again that those kinds of jobs are not what you might think they are. He doesn’t tell you what to do very often, but you should listen to him when he does. He’s an older man, who actually knows what he’s talking about. Besides, he only means well when it comes to you.

A very accepting father, in all honesty. You’re gay? You’re trans? He’s very supportive of you. Besides, it doesn’t matter who you bring home, he’s gonna try to intimidate them either way. Only the best of the best for you. If you ever find yourself some sleazebag, who won’t spoil you rotten like you deserve, then he’ll make sure that person will learn their lesson. He can be a very scary man when he wants to be. If you’re transmasc, then he’d delight in going clothes shopping with you and finding something that you look good in and that fits. He might even buy you a bomber jacket like he has so you can match. He’ll get you the fanciest suits too. Whatever you need, he’ll give it to you. If you’re transfem then he might not be the best suited candidate to go shopping with you. He can tell you what you look good in, but he might call someone like Laswell to help you find nice clothes that suit you well. However, he won’t save any money on anything. You know what you want? You can gladly have it. Nikolai will even pay for your surgeries as well. As long as you’re happy, he’s happy. No price is too high when it comes to your happiness. In fact, he probably has the means to get you a prescription for hormones as well. It might not be entirely legal, but it’s better than nothing if you have shitty doctors.

Likewise, if you come out to him as aromantic or asexual, he won’t mind. Sure, you might have to explain what that means, but once he understands he won’t make you feel bad for that sort of thing. Gives you a side hug and tells you that he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about your heart being broken by some asshole who can’t appreciate you for who you are. Unfortunately, if you do come out to him as ace, he might make some puns about it. Nothing offensive, but he’s your father, he can’t help the urge to make awful dad jokes from time to time.

If you don’t know Russian then he’ll teach you. He’s a proud Russian, so he does want you to know the language. He can hire a teacher for you too, if you’d prefer that, but you won’t be spared. He’ll talk to you in Russian and compliment you on your progress. Besides, it’s never a mistake to know another language. If you do know Russian then he’ll speak it with you whenever he can. Yes, even when the likes of Price are around. Doesn’t matter if it comes off as rude, it just feels homey to him. It makes him feel at ease.

#cod #cod x reader #cod nikolai #nikolai x reader #listening to “A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son” hits different these days. I just can't bring myself to hate my father no matter what #anyway I want Nikolai to adopt me and help me through all of my struggles #I think some hugs from a father figure could heal some of my scars and make some of my demons go away #I don't even remember the last time my parents properly hugged me. to comfort me I mean #“Is this what you call a family” I almost cried at work today and I really had to pull myelf together to not start crying #one of my coworkers is a father and he reveres his daughter. I wonder if my father thought that highly of me too when I was younger #I'm not even sure he likes me anymore these days. It hurts so bad because I genuinely don't have very many people in my life #I don't wanna lose him too even if it doesn't seem like he cares about my mental wellbeing at all #I don't care that I'm venting in the tags right now I don't have anywhere else to vent anyway #I wish I had a father whose love I could actually feel. Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I just a shitty son? #I've been finding so much comfort in imagining Nikolai as a father figure as of late. Found family and he adopts me as his son #Haha I wonder what that says about me. I think I need a hug one of these days or I will genuinely fall apart. Everything is getting to much #But life goes on I suppose. I need to be strong. I can't afford to break down again

[thisismeracing]

Since when did we start charging money on patreon for fanfics 😭😭😭😭 is this for real😭

hi, love. I haven't seen that many people doing the Patreon thing when it comes to fanfic, but it's pretty common for people who draw for example to set up a Patreon. I believe that everyone who does, just like myself, needs the money. I wouldn't be doing it if i didn't need to. I figured the Patreon setup was the best idea since it's not really that common for people to tip writers, we've been struggling with getting reblogs and comments, so you can imagine.

Right now, I'm applying and doing tests to get an internship, which still won't be enough because I'm also trying to apply for a master's. So, yeah, I'm really thankful for everyone who tipped me on ko-fi and subscribed to my Patreon, last month my savings were over, and the Patreon money was what helped me pay for some medical stuff I needed (Idk if you saw the whole mick schumacher's sick club, but yeah — huge thank you for everyone who subscribed/donated btw).

We often see fic writers as little robots who don't eat, drink, or sleep. We request stuff, and expect an instant reply, and when we get the content we don't even go back to the page to tell the writer our thoughts. We don't reblog, nor leave comments, but still, we expect them to keep writing and keep sharing everything as if it didn't take hours, sometimes days to come up with a 1k piece polished to what we think readers will like best. I hope I don't sound rude, I'm just trying to make a point because I'm tired of seeing writers deactivating, tired of seeing my friends getting writer's block and then people still demanding things.

On top of that, I'm still posting a lot here, from smau to blubs and long fic requests (and I won't even talk about how some pieces aren't even getting a hundred notes, which always makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if my writing is bad, or if there's anything that I could do to make the reader's experience more enjoyable), and it takes a lot of time, it's even harder to balance the two profiles now, but still, I keep sharing some of my work for free. so please, please, don't make me feel bad about needing money. thanks ❤️.

#I'm still searching like crazy for the best internship that gives me enough time to study for my application and enough money to pay for + #the stuff that I really need #medical bills are expensive #school books and stuff are expensive #we do what we can #and I say we including other writers that relly on donations too #anyways #Im sorry for letting my heart run wild here but I really needed to share this because I'm tired #and I do feel a bit guilty some days for sharing paid stuff because I wanted everyone to read what I post #wanted everyone to enjoy it and gush with me about college!mick and ghost!lewis and so on #but right now that's the best way I found to deal with my current situation #so please please try seeing your writers side #and on top of that make sure youre supporting the people that are here everyday putting their hearts on each piece #and I mean support as in reblog and let them know you liked it and so on #if you can support someone with money thats great #but most of the times a comment and a reblog will make the writers days #it makes mine #I wish you guys could see the smile on my face whenever someone comes back like “hey Im the one who requested x and I loved it” #anyways Im sorry for ranting #I hope I did not come across as rude again #and Im not saying you don't reblog or support your writers this is more of a widely rant #<3 #millies inbox #anon #patreon #f1 fandom

[despairforme]

Wants hairplay..................

#[ HE WOULD NEVER ADMIT IT ] #[ but he's .//////// about not getting any affection for like ?? years at this point ahaha ] #[ nnoi i'm so sorrryyyy ] #[ one day you will be loved again I'M SURE ] #[ hope you're all doing good guys!! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character.

[arklay]

i recently had the opportunity to commission the amazing @666chevy on twitter for a spread of diana (and wesker, of course) !! this came out perfect and i haven’t stopped staring at it since ♡ chevy is so kind and easy to work with, and he did diana so much justice, so i just cannot recommend him enough if you’d like to get a commission done ! 

#commissions. #oc: diana #pair: ewskers #i just can't get over this it's so beautiful and chevy captured diana's vibes so well !! she just looks amazing and i'm holding this so #gently in my hands like augh this is so precious to me !!! honestly best birthday ever to get surprise art from my beloved bestie and then #to receive this comm a couple days later !! thank you again so so much chevy if you see this cause i'm not sure how active you are on here #but i am still so in awe by this and the different lighting/filter options you sent as well like just thank you so much !! 💖💖 #please go support him if you're able guys like even just check out their other artworks !!! they're all so amazing and i was instantly blown #away by his art style and was like omg i need to commission...i need to !!! i'm just so in love with diana's vibes in this !! truly got the #unsettling and arrogant but also hi hello ma'am one chance please vibes across so so well like augh she looks so beautiful !!!

[art-of-wackylurker]

Ok there we go, today let me present you the second-in-command of the 44th: Smasher

It him, probably the most reliable guy of the bunch, everyone except for him thinks HE should've been put in charge. But what the reality is we all know...

#artists on tumblr #clone trooper oc #oc sundays #star wars oc #ct 3202 #44th infantry squad #I'm not entirely sure if the hearing aid would hold up on his ear but whatever #well there he is another instance of me going 'we should put more big gun guys in charge' #also I kinda fucked him up because I wanted to experiment a lil with perspective but of course my hand not work and well. He's like that #Smasher my love I promise I'll do you justice one day ;-; #and YES I once again went 'hehe hoho Texture goes brrrrrrrr'

[sysig]

Just Desserts Pets by size (and owner)! (Patreon)

Bonus Joel and the new Bamboo cat-staring each other down:

#Doodles #Just Desserts #I would also say by name and sex but a lot of them are still undecided lol #I'm pretty sure these are all the at-least-somewhat canon pets - Just A Bee for example was omitted lol #Maybe there'll be someone who gets Just A Bee someday! But it's not gonna be Honey&Easter Nest I can tell you that much lol #I do not care how thematic it would be! She gets a bunny! It is the most correct! #Also somewhat ironic that she got a cherry-filled donut bunny and then Cherry Shortcake got the merengue dove... #Look they're not meant to Match they're meant to be What The Owner Wants! #Anyway this has all gotten off the rails lol - down the line! #Starting with the itty-bittiest of spiders! Spider Bites' spider bites ♥ I still love them - probably even more now lol #I never did decide how many she can summon at once since they're not like...properly physical in the same way Taffy is lol #You can touch them and hold them to be certain! But only when they exist (lol) Probably wouldn't be more than a baker's dozen hehehe #The birds ended up being the smallest after the spider(s) huh :0 I wasn't planning that but it seems fitting #I think Merengue (name not decided on but if Wafer is any indication lol) probably is a little smaller than Kiwi's flan chicken #Chicken is chicken-sized but Merengue isn't quite as small as a pigeon - somewhere in the middle #Sunflower is tiny by mammal standards tho! The smallest yet! Even smaller than cinnamouse! #Then again for a mouse cinnamouse is quite large lol - big plush teddy-bear sized! :D #I really do want to get better at drawing dogs... Do Sweet Pea justice one of these days she's such a sweet girl #I still love that she's made of almond BARK white chocolate - so she can lick her own paws hehehe #Konpeitoad is wider than they are tall really - still counts for medium sized just an outlier is all! Still cute tho #They're probably one of the ones I most want to draw digitally as well since I can imagine their colour palette easily haha #Cute purpley and cream toad skin with rainbow konpeito warts and clear bubble-cheeks hehe <3 They're very cute! #Barnaby too - he's got a strong mint colour palette! Lots of greens and whites! Still such a fun and cute lad with all his segmentation #Also finally cleaned up the Mercandy's amezaiku catfish design a bit - better fins! #It's a bit funny as well since Marshmallow Fluff originally had a mint colour palette as well until I simplified her design :P Things! #Wafer's largely unchanged tho ♪ Seeing them near each other I kinda wanna draw him and Sweet Pea playing now hehe ♥ #Finally Taffy! The smallest of the large pets! About what you'd expect for a mammalian farm animal tho I suppose haha #Butterscotch is still so cuuute ahh ;; I can't believe I haven't drawn her more - she has so much room for scalloping! Her earsss #And finally the Queens' pets! They get to be the biggest because they're royalty lol - they already make the biggest creatures! #Oh and I suppose double-finally the Vargases' licorice cat and the new cat! I still hadn't decided on Bamboo's coat pattern...

[orchideae]

1) Opens up drafts with my head empty, ready to be flooded, not knowing where I'll go. 2) 30 seconds later: Okay but I will go feral any day of my life over Perilous Trail, and the fierce dichotomy of Xiao and Yelan. While they're far from being 'the same', they both view themselves as soldiers in one way or another (it's a very difficult word to use for Yelan, so I'm using it very liberally and very loosely), they have both suffered losses on the 'battlefield' and carry the burden thereof in their own ways. And yet they stand so firmly in opposition throughout the entirety of that questline up until the very end of the 'the end of the line' conclusion of the quest. Yes, I know that she offers him her gratitude in its aftermath and it is genuine, but she still never agrees with him and the decision that he made moments earlier. It simply 'worked out' because of Zhongli's interference, he's the only reason it worked out. And it's because of that, that she doesn't give him a hell of a hard time (obviously she can't go down there, but imagine the inner frustration of severe extents; when you condemn someone who you can't even see anymore). In the same way that she would do to anyone who would sacrifice themselves for others, but in this case, I think it's 'beautiful' that it's to Xiao; the one who seems most adamant to do so (which honestly, fits into the contract that the Yakshas chose to sign with Morax; 'the ultimate sacrifice' to protect for Liyue; 'for Liyue', and Liyue has always centered itself around its people), the one who everyone reveres (and so does she, as she notes in her voiceline, 'if I ever have the honor to fight alongside') and respects for good reason, she stands against him, because in that moment, regardless of his status, he makes a call that she considers wrong. And he doesn't even... fight her on it very fiercely, and that's what actually hurts me the most, it's as if the following line hit the nail directly on the head?

"Besides, if you were really so determined to end it all, you wouldn't have given us the opportunity to share our opinions."

#[ mini study. ] that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years. #[ and then shortly after 'the point is: it's not time for drastic measures yet.' ] #[ /shakes ven into another dimension. ] #[ i thought the ost at the end of perilous ruined me enough. but tale of the yakshas may actually ruin me more. ] #[ also i love how i typed up the bit of the contract and 'for liyue' and zhongli in my head isn't rattling at bars but-- ] #[ he's sipping his tea (the equivalent). one day ven. i /promise/ you. one day you'll get him from me. ] #[ he'll likely be the 2nd genshin blog to run alongside yelan if/when i get to being able to run two again. ] #[ but until then. can we talk about the dynamic of xiao and yelan until we're blue in the face? i'd like to do that too. ] #[ i type this as if i'm perfectly chill but i'm not. i'm really not. the concept of self sacrifice and sacrifice as a whole. ] #[ BETWEEN THESE TWO. drives me /insane/. and part of me sits here and goes-- ] #[ god. what happened with yelan and her team down there? we know that despite every plan she ever made and prepared-- ] #[ their enemies (WHAT WERE YOU FIGHTING??) were too powerful and more specifically-- too smart. too calculating. ] #[ ... and too strong (okay literally what on earth were you fighting? are we talking the khaenri'ah soldiers? like what? or abyss mages?) ] #[ (but abyss mages don't exactly entirely fit the description in her story. ugh. UGH). ] #[ any way-- it was her and her team. /they/ all died and she didn't. yanfei describes it as... ] #[ 'knowing that your life was saved when others weren't'. surely the millilith didn't intervene or happen to arrive. yelan must've... ] #[ gotten away? or something? but that doesn't feel quite right. but i'm just sitting here left with the idea of... when you lead a team. ] #[ you bear the responsibility of even their lives. and yet despite bearing that responsibility; she's exactly the one who lived. ] #[ the only one who did. that has to be a /stupid/ burden. it's like the captain who has to go down with the ship but is the only one... ] #[ who gets to live. only one who gets to survive. i just. ] #[ i didn't think i'd love a character as much as this one. where did she come from; jesus christ. ]

[born-to-lose]

I know the working conditions were kinda shitty and my colleagues and bosses didn't appreciate me enough but damn I miss the bar already 😭

#maybe it's my anxiety and the drama queen in me acting up more than necessary and they have other problems rn but #i already vented a lot to my family in the last 3 days but at some point i might just make something up so i can go back as a guest for gig #like idk lying about them inviting me to come back because they wanna see me and miss me or smth idkkk #sure there are other venues but this is like a second home at this point 💔💔 plus cheap and close up concerts with iconic bands #even if they don't get paid well or even at all but i can make up for that by buying their merch and inviting them for drinks #arenas are lame i can't meet the musicians and make out with them as easily 🙄 #i'm posting a poem about the bar later 💔 started it before i even thought about leaving but now it stings and feels nostalgic #hell i cried writing the goodbye message and seeing the lacking replies except for two colleagues' nice texts and my bosses' dry ones #i'm never working somewhere i loved as a customer again i swear it only ruins the experience if you know the behind the scenes #mel talks

[angeltism]

"spar.kle is fictional who cares" I have seen people praising her for her racist anti-romani comments what the fuck kind of world do you live in

#➳ the fool speaks #fuuuck man i don't think fiction and reality will influence each other 1=1 but characters being weirdos or bigots and it not being #criticized for it makes those kinds of people who Very Much Already Exist IRL think they're in the fucking right. they aren't. #i don't think someone getting spar.kle in hsr is going to turn them into a fucking racist but her being Like That and looking cute #and being playable and not getting called the fuck out in game makes people who ARE racists have a cutesy girl to idolize and support and #use as a way to say shit without getting in trouble because ''ermmm I'm not the one who wrote her!! i just think she's really funny!! she's #not real anyways why are you mad!!'' #like my god shut UP #again like. pulling for her or thinking she's cute doesn't mean you want all roma dead. that. that isn't how that works #but if you think of hoyo's writing of her is good and funny and not problematic at all I'd LOVE to know what you think about #how real life roma r treated to this day. like genuinely let's have a little chat. I'm sure you have normal not-racist opinions #and do not use the g slur and do not defend it and tootally don't view roma just as all the bad stereotypes right !!!! #*ok actually pulling for her kinda. shows support to hoyo for whatever weird ass decision someone on their team made #to go ''ah yes let's add racism but make it a cute girl and make it 'funny' this'll get us so much money'' #and if you spent on her banner. look idk what to say. shame? yeah shame. hoyo in general is not a company that deserves your money there #are better things to spend your cash on. like literally look at how they treated sum.eru and they made the guy inspired by roma WHITE ??? #generally. not something I would advise spending on. but like ok especially on the racist character y'know #anyways.

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

..

#not a great day #really tired and not entirely sure what to do about it this time #tho I did make an unexpectedly good grade on my earth science exam!! and I am so happy about that :) #on the flip side I turned in the weekly reflections we have to write for a different class and I can fairly confidently say it's the worst #one I've done so far :( #I'm fighting off the discouragement tooth and nail but it is a struggle tbh #think I might log out of tumblr for a bit #(actually I logged out of tumblr once already today but now I'm doing it again and posting about it first will hopefully #force me to stay faithful to my decision to stay away from this place for at least the rest of this week) #love you all. talk to you later. #pray for me please.

[high-voltage-rat]

Vyvanse is such a silly little drug. I get up at 11, take it at noon, what's a normal sleep phase I don't know her.

The first hour passes and I'm like "dude nothings happening except me getting sweaty and my heart's going a bit faster" and then I blink and it's another 2 hours later and I've just blitzed doing every chore available to me, organized all my shit for the day, read through 500 tumblr posts, watched some random-ass YouTube clips, and made myself food I don't want to eat because my appetite is suppressed but I know food consumption is a task. It's like all of my ADHD bullshit for the entire day happens at light speed over a few hours.

Then I sit down and can do The Big Task of the day for 5 hours or more and, unlike with a hyperfocus, can remain focused on it even after taking breaks to go do other stuff.

Then the end of the day hits and I'm tired and need to go to sleep but I still feel the Productivity Need so for some reason I watch 50 more "Educational" YouTube videos until it subsides and then finally fall asleep at 2am.

Like. Does it cure my ADHD? Absolutely not. Does it make me less chaotic? No. But does it allow me to consistently channel my ADHD energy productively? Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% sure that's what my doctors were going for when they prescribed it, but I gotta be honest I kinda love it.

#not video games #late nights with ali #nd blogging #actuallyADHD #I'm pretty sure my docs were intending for a bit more... how you say... stability? #but a lot of my ADHD traits don't go away. just the most important one- activation-based executive dysfunction #And honestly without that I think I like the way I function with the rest? usually anyway #If I'm in control of it. I love my hyperfocus. I love my bouncing around chaotically. I love being impulsively spontaneous #don't get me wrong. there are days where I do hate my adhd. when the emotional regulation problems kick in it's hell. #rejection sensitive dysphoria is a bitch. I can forget self care in lieu of 'more important' things. my working memory can fuck me over. #but in comparison to how I lived before medication? it's amazing. and I've learned to be fond of aspects of my disorder #and to live with the ones that are inconvenient. it's so nice honestly #I could do without the sweating and appetite suppression. but it is SO worth it to like my own mind again. #before I was diagnosed I knew I had it. so my only options were self medicating with caffiene and developing an anxiety disorder. #the thing that bypasses the dopamine-based activation is adrenaline-based activation #so I literally just. got so anxious about stuff I needed to do that it would trigger the adrenaline activation where dopamine failed me #I don't think I actually 100% KNEW that's what I was doing per se. but I do think some of my anxiety came from intentional doom spiralling #anyway moral of the story. Vyvanse helps with ADHD is some truly strange ways but at the end of the day it's a fucking miracle #New River Pharmaceuticals developers of lisdexamfetamine I am kissing you on the mouth

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i think i understand dating now. you find a person that seems cool and you become their friend but in a romantic way until you. actually love them. yes?

#bluebird.txt #i am schrodinger's understander of romance #90% of the time i'm like why would anyone date a stranger #why would you do that #like you have a friend then you get close to that friend then become romance?? #i had a HUGE crush on a girl earlier this year and then one day i made a new friend- NO romantic feelings for her at all- #but suddenly my crush evaporated in an instant? i just stopped thinking abt her or feeling anything when i DID think abt her. completely. #but like. you meet person. become friend. then you love them. then romance. yes? #that's always been my thought process of how it works #so now i’m like oh that's how Dating works! you just pick a person and fuck around and find out if you'll love them???? #it's like friendship but with. romance. hey does anyone fucking know what romance is by the way #I Don't Know Anything Ever 👍🏼 #also do people really see other people and think wow i want to fuck them #bc like. i've seen hot people i like hot people but i don't think ive ever seen a hot person and thought about sex #i’ve been like wow they are extremely attractive to me but never wow i want to fuck that #is that actually how people feel? they see an attractive person and they get horny? just like that? #like physically in your genitals horny?? #i'll shut up now. once again I Don't Know Anything At All 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 #i WANT to date someone to know what it's like but what i really want is to fake date a friend #fuck all this shit i really might be aroace. i fucking might. i am so not sure about anything. #who give a shit i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[prurientpuddlejumper]

I haven't finished the game yet so I don't want to find spoilers, but FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I love Astarion!!!

Sooo anyone wanna tell me if this is another character I'll get hatemail for liking? 😂

#I'd almost be insulted if he wasn't at this point #on the one hand he's a very nasty boy so maybe people hate him for being evil? but that's so pedestrian #but maybe fans mostly love him bc he's a little meow meow with a fuckton of trauma (he's so broken. i must have him.) #I guess what really sets people off these days is age differences... #since we're both ELVES we're both pretty old. but if you were playing a HUMAN... uh oh - 200 year age gap?! #I don't want the plot spoilers I just want to know about the fandom drama 😂😂 does it exist and how badly? 🤣 #(then again... gods - I HOPE no minors are playing this game. i mean sure you can disable the genitalia but it's still soooo horny) #(I'm playing BG3 btw 😂)

[hellolulu]

Shigeo Saves The Cat

A Dive Into What The Cat Symbolises

During the Mogami Arc, Mogami had created a world in which Shigeo had no powers, and was hated by all the people he loved. In this cruel world, Shigeo was presented with a cat, and this cat died because he was unable to protect it.

During the car crash, Shigeo used his powers in public, to save the cat. He has, at this point, come to accept that his powers can be used for good, and that they're not just to be used in dire situations. He used them to help the others call a ufo, after all! That's pretty chill! For... you know, having super cool powers that you can do just about anything with.

Although he hasn't begun to use them for his own sake, he saw the danger coming, and was able to save the cat. [And, to a different extent, using his physical powers, saved the kid. But this isn't about the kid or the fact he used both sides of himself to save 2 different entities, haha]

Then he gets hit, and ??? takes the stage. He still rejects his powers as part of his personhood; (a conscious being made from his own repressed self) he can accept them as if they're a certain muscle in the body, or an extra limb, but only now is he able to see that this is a mental thing, not physical.

During the final arc, in large part thanks to Reigen (of course, also thanks to Hanazawa, Ritsu, and Dimple, but the point is Reigen's words are the ones to calm him down) this repressed self is accepted not as part of his body, the way the body is a case for the mind, but as part of himself. A part of his mind. Which he very much had been sealing up and repressing.

Then, in the after-part, Shigeo sees a cat, and assumes it's stuck. He acts, moving forward to climb the pole. He doesn't think anything like "it might be easier with psychic powers, but I should use the body I've been working on" or "I would rather use my physical body than my powers to save this cat" he simply moves. Not a single complicated thought goes through his mind. He acts. His powers are part of him; his body, his person, his ESP - all of it is him, and he simply did the most natural thing that came to mind. He climbed the pole using muscles he'd worked on, but not as opposed to his powers - just because it was the first response he came up with. [And as a muscle obsessed boy, it's unsurprising haha!]

But he does not save the cat.

Because the cat, regardless of him and his story, is just that. It's a cat. It's got nothing to do with him; it's neutral. It's an entity with its own path, it doesn't need him in order to survive. It's not on him to save or to protect it, not on him to do anything at all about it. It's on him just to want to act, to want to care. He's changed from a boy who was afraid to act at all, to one who acts without reservation.

And saving the cat was never his goal in the first place.

Tldr:

Mogami presented a cat that he needed to save, but that he was unable to save.

The car-crash presented a cat that needed saving, and that he was able to save.

And the finale presented a cat that, at the end of the day, has nothing to do with what he must do to live life to the fullest. He's just a teenage boy who has a girl he likes, and who goes to school like everyone else. His powers are just a part of him, nothing he has to pay the universe back for. There's no big magical destiny, no cats to save.

He can finally simply exist.

...

For now!! Dun dun dun...

I'm kidding.

Or am I?!

#haha thanks for reading I hope you liked the twist ending! #anyway it's 2am again so it's definitely poorly written and I'll be editing it tomorrow for sure #why do I always disappear for days and then come back with Stuff To Say ugh why can't I just partayyy #anyway I'm signing up to Hanazawa's boyband's fanclub did you see his hair he's popping OFF #excellent I loved the finale #reigen I'd die for you any day bro any day ur a real one #mp100 #mp100 spoilers #mob psycho 100 #mp100 analysis #lulu on the mic #shigeo #mob #kageyama shigeo #shigeo kageyama #usually I at least save these posts to drafts if I'm writing them at 2am and then rework them before posting but uh #I'm glancing at the tsubomi post I've been writing and re-editing because it ended up being So Much lmao #my drafts are full of absolutely too many essays I'm writing and rewriting and short essays and jokes and stupid dumb stuff #anyway if you're reading these tags know that I'm very boring and love to overanalyze dumb crap #this? this is 100% me looking way too deeply at the secret hidden unlockable meanings #but am I still gonna post it? uh yeah #cuz otherwise it goes to draft purgatory with the others #draft... superhell...