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尼采《查拉圖斯特拉如是說》中的女性形象

社會思想史—期末報告

　　尼采年幼喪父，一生在祖母、母親、姊妹的女生宿舍中打轉。對於女人，他敏感、自卑又羞澀，年輕時的他也曾熱情追逐過幾位姑娘，可惜全部未遂。之後，尼采的著作中詆毀女性的句子就層出不窮，也因此飽受女性主義者的抨擊。一八八二年，尼采拜倒在俄國名媛莎樂美裙下，可惜莎樂美雖欣賞尼采的才華，卻不愛他，尼采的情書換來莎樂美一次次的拒絕。在愛情裡，尼采卑微如乞丐和流浪兒，最後一次被拒絕後，尼采心灰意冷；在家庭中，尼采一生都深受祖母、母親、妹妹的影響。在愛情失利後他花費兩年多的時間在一生創作的巔峰《查拉圖斯特拉如是說》。 (張明明, 2015)我們能在這部作品中觀察到他對女性描摹與其對超人性的連結。

查拉圖斯特拉對於女性在友情與愛情的角色表示輕視，在〈朋友〉一篇當中，查拉圖斯特拉首先談論友誼：「奴隸和僭主在女人心中已潛藏太久。所以女人不能勝任友情，她只知道愛情。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)由此段落可看出，查拉圖斯特拉認為女人是天生無法了解友誼的。他又提到：「女人在愛情中，對於她不喜歡的一切，總是不公而盲目。即使在女人自覺的愛情中，除光明外，也總伴有襲擾、閃電和黑夜。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)批評女性在愛情中的地位。又將女人喻為貓、鳥，至高是母牛。貓和鳥代表的應該是叫弱小無力的動物，或溫馴，在自然界中是被支配的地位。而母牛則是僅為生產小牛與牛奶而存在的。相對於查拉圖斯特拉的夥伴：太陽、鷹、蛇，這些在西方社會都是較具神聖性的、強大的生物。在這裡查拉圖斯特拉首先指稱女性不能擁有友誼，有天生的奴性，又稱女性在愛情中盲目不公。

在〈論老嫗與少婦〉當中，查拉圖斯特拉與一位老婦人進行了一段對話，他首先說到「女人的一切全都是個謎，女人的一切只有一個謎底：懷孕。對女人而言，男人只是一種手段：孩子才是目的。」以女人生育的功能來概化女性、壓制女性的自主性，並再次強調女人的生命目的不是愛情。並接著說到：「男人的幸福叫做：我要。女人的幸福叫做：他要。」對查拉圖斯特拉來說，女人生來即是為了男人而存在。男人和女人是從屬關係，不平等的關係。「女人必須順從，並為他的淺薄尋找一個深度。女人的性情是淺薄，是淺水上面激烈動盪的表層。男人的性情卻是深沉，他那急流在地下洞穴中鳴響：女人感到他的力量，卻不了解這力量。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)此段落批評女性膚淺、又提高男性的地位，指稱女性不能抵��男性的深邃。

在〈論老嫗與少婦〉一篇的最末，老嫗說出一句最常被引用的話：「你到女人那兒去嗎？別忘記帶上鞭子！」這句話最常被引用、被女性主義者抨擊，鞭子可能代表鞭笞女性的暴力行為。但是這句話是出自老嫗之口，查拉圖斯特拉也並未做更多描述。因此我們無從判定這鞭子的寓意為何。老嫗說的並不多，惟她贊同查拉圖斯特拉的言論：「查拉圖斯特拉對女人的了解很少，但對他們的看法卻很中肯，真奇怪！這是否因為，在女人身上，沒有什麼事情是不可能呢?」 (Nietzsche, 2009)雖然查拉圖斯特拉不斷貶低女性的地位，甚至可以隱隱感覺到仇恨與自高，但是老嫗卻贊同她的看法。但老嫗說女性「沒有什麼不可能的」這句話卻與《路加福音》一章37節：「出於神的話，沒有一句不帶能力的。」相合。尼采這個安排讓人無限揣測，用他所摒棄的基督上帝來位女性背書，這上帝究竟是高於人還是低於人呢？而此時的女性又代表著甚麼呢？

進入〈論孩子和婚姻〉查拉圖斯特拉談及婚姻，「婚姻：我把它稱為兩個人的意志，即使創造高於兩個人所創造的意志。」對查拉圖斯特拉來說，孩童是最純潔的，婚姻生下的孩子是一種向上繁殖，更接近於超人。

對於夫妻兩人的看法：「我可不喜歡這些多餘的人的天堂！是的，我不喜歡他們，這些被吞噬在天網中的野獸…我覺得這個男子具有價值，以大地的意義衡量，他也很成熟；但當我看到他的妻子，就覺得這大地就像一處荒唐人的居所了。我希望大地發生強烈地震，倘若聖者與母鵝交配的話。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)以動物「母鵝」和聖者的對比暗喻女性比不上男性。查拉圖斯特拉認為愛情是短促的愚行，婚姻是長期的愚行，婚姻的意義就是為了生育，而且是向上繁殖。世俗的、肉體的愛情不是他要推崇或追求的，對超人的嚮往才是神聖的婚姻，而孩童是最純潔；最具創造性的存在所以最接近超人。

〈舞曲〉篇章中，「凡他們無力探究者，便是深不可測。但我變換無定、狂野，完全是個女人，但不講道德；儘管你們男人叫我深淵或叫我忠實、永恆，或神秘，但你們男人總是把自己的道德贈給我們—你們這道德家！」查拉圖斯特拉唱這樣的詩歌，審判神、審判世界、審判女人。「她於是笑了，這位不可信者，當她說自己壞時，我根本不相信他和她的笑。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)

查拉圖斯特拉認為智慧是變化無定的存在，像個圈套。道德也是圈套，誘使追求知識的人上鉤。女人也是圈套，誘使男人上鉤，女人即使缺乏道德，仍讓男人趨之若鶩。「它（智慧）或許兇惡而虛偽，完全是個女人；但一旦它自道其壞，它就最能誘人。」最後他問少女智慧，而少女只是請他睜開雙眼。他說：「噢！親愛的生活啊！我覺得自己再次沉入深不可測裏…」 (Nietzsche, 2009)

前面的篇章說過女人是膚淺的，不若男人深沉，而且女人不能理解男人的深沉。在這個段落卻將女性與智慧相比喻，並且指稱女性深沉，好似生活，讓他深不可測。似乎對尼采來說女人是矛盾的，讓他一方面嘲諷貶低，一方面又深受其吸引，反過來是男人不能夠理解女人。若將女人的生育能力與超人的特質畫上等號，則女人似乎代表著生生不息與永生。

查拉圖斯特拉在〈論詩人〉篇章中對女人又有新的詮釋：「因為我們所知甚少，故而鍾愛精神貧乏者，尤其是年輕女子！我們甚至渴盼老嫗夜間閒扯的瑣碎家常。我們把這叫作我們永恆的女性氣質。」

「我曾在他們的海裡撒網，希望捕到好魚；可拉上來的總是古代神明的頭顱。大海給我這飢者的總是石頭。他們大概自己也出生於大海。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)這裡特別用了石頭的比喻相當於《馬太福音》七章9節：「你們中間誰有兒子求餅，反給他石頭呢？」查拉圖斯特拉用許多聖經的話語來諷刺上帝，好一再證明他「上帝已死」的言論。

延續上一個段落將知識與女性相比喻，這裡將詩的靈感比喻為女性。「如果詩人得到些溫柔的觸動，就以為自然愛上了他們。」女人彷彿永遠是騙子，男人總是受害者。大海（母親）和靈感與智慧（女人）總是給不了男人或兒子所要的。男人對女人死心塌地、兒子對母親懷抱期待，但是總是落空。母親在社會建構的家庭中應該是給予的角色，但是查拉圖斯特拉卻認為母親不會給予兒子愛，不能夠教導兒子知識；這樣的關係可能因為她們就是被這樣的母親所撫養而受影響。而兒子被困縛在這樣的關係底下，仍舊渴盼那些缺乏知識、道德、真愛的母親。

查拉圖斯特拉到海上旅行時，他又有了新的想法。在〈論違背意志的幸福〉中，提到他所推崇的創造者也曾追尋過伴侶和他的希望之子，但是遍尋不著，除非他先創造了他們。「從根本上來說，人們只愛自己的孩子和事業，哪裡有偉大的自愛，哪裡便有受孕的徵兆；我以為是這樣。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)他曾說過，女性的目的就是生育，孕育出孩童，成就更接近超人的創造者。但是當孩童要尋找伴侶時卻要透過自行創造。母親達成生育的目的後也無法給予孩子更多，也沒有其他的目的。而這孩童就必須超越庸俗的男女肉體之愛，愛生命、愛自己，憑藉單純的對生命的熱愛，從而達到受孕、孕育超人的目的。

「幸福的時刻走開吧！…最好寄宿在我的孩子那裡！…他徹夜等待他的不幸，但這是徒勞等待。夜色依舊澄明而寧靜，幸福自身離他愈來愈近。凌晨，查拉圖斯特拉卻對他的內心發笑，嘲笑道：『幸福追逐我，這是因為我不追逐女人；幸福卻是個女人。』」 (Nietzsche, 2009)女人對他來說，是個讓男人深陷的誘惑、是他百般嘗試仍然無法擺脫的陷阱；同時是他渴望而不可得的幸福，即使離他非常靠近卻不能真正擁有。他不願意墮入這樣世俗的幸福，但他希望將幸福留給他的孩子—留待他的孩子去創造—屬於超人的幸福。

在〈另一首舞曲〉當中，查拉圖斯特拉再次歌頌生命，他說生命是狡詐，給他曲折的道路；生命使人甘願為之受苦，害怕靠近；生命是束縛、糾纏、誘惑、尋求、發現，同時是無辜、焦躁、暴戾、眼神童真的女罪人。

「女巫啊，我給妳唱過歌了，現在該你對我叫喊了！妳當按我鞭子的節拍為我舞蹈和叫喊！我沒有忘記帶鞭子吧？沒有」

「噢！查拉圖斯特拉！別這樣可怕地甩你的皮鞭！你也知道：噪音殺害思想啊！剛才我正產生如此溫柔的思想」 (Nietzsche, 2009)

他希望能夠掌握女人，即他未能掌握女人。他希望女人能夠依照他的意志而行，暗著他的鞭子而行。他說生命是女巫，神祕的女人，危險而誘惑，簡直如巫術一般，叫他神昏顛倒卻又叫他憤怒。生命不能回報他的愛與讚頌，生命這個女人應當用皮鞭來教導，因為她沒有道德。這個女人提到「噪音殺害思想」，又再次將女人與智慧連結。

「我善待妳，常常太好，因為我十分欽慕妳的智慧。啊！智慧，妳這個老朽而瘋癲的愚婦啊！…在我，那時生命比我的一切智慧更可愛。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)查斯圖斯特拉如是說，他批評智慧是老朽而瘋癲，但是在前面的文句中卻是女人、母親，這裡再將它擴延到祖母。同樣是叫他又愛又恨，叫它追逐、善待，卻總得不到回報。回顧作者尼采的生平，他一生都受祖母、母親、姊妹的影響。三者同樣都叫他又愛又恨，無法逃脫。他將之喻為生命與智慧，大異於前面的嘲諷與貶低，稱其膚淺、狡詐、生育為生命目的…等等；女性同時是他求而不得的，無法擺脫的誘惑，是他的命運、是他崇敬的、摸不透的智慧。於是他四處旅行，試圖結交最強的朋友（太陽、鷹、蛇）但不論是獨自一人的時刻或是遇見女人的時刻，仍在一瞬間勾起他的仇恨，但又揉合深深的仰慕之情。

來到〈七印〉章節，先談論何為七印？在《啟示錄》當中，眾長老與活物並許多天使都讚揚上帝：「但願頌讚、尊貴、榮耀、權勢都歸給寶座的和羔羊，直到永永遠遠！」七印是上帝對世界的審判，大地將震動，天地的星辰要墜落，不悔改的要得災禍。

查拉圖斯特拉說：「教堂與神墓我也愛…大地是神的桌子，創造性的新話語和諸神擲色令它顫抖…噢！這時我怎麼不熱望永恆，怎能不熱望戒指中的婚戒—輪迴之戒？我從未尋覓的願與我生其子的女人，但我愛的女人除外；因為我愛妳，噢，永恆！」 (Nietzsche, 2009)

查拉圖斯特拉宣稱上帝已死，他要用他的超人，他新建構的信仰，承襲舊有的儀式，來審判世人。這時他同樣是卑微的凡人，面對審判也是卑躬屈膝。不過他不斷強調，他未曾覓得願為他生子的女人，所以他仍然是純潔的，他所愛的是永恆。在〈舞曲〉篇章中與〈論詩人〉篇章中都曾將女人喻為永恆，因為女人能夠降生最純潔的新生命。但詭譎的是，在〈論更高的人們〉篇章中，他提到：

「你們這些創造者，你們這些更高的人啊！必須分娩的人就是病人；可分娩過後的人又不再純潔。問問女人吧，他們分娩不是為了快樂。痛苦使母鴨和詩人咯咯啼鳴。你們這些創造者啊，你們身上不純潔的東西多著哩。那是因為你們曾不得不做母親。一個新生的孩子：啊，多少新的贓物來到這個世界！到旁邊去吧！生產過的人，就應洗淨自己的靈魂！」 (Nietzsche, 2009)

查拉圖斯特拉一面推崇純潔而具創造力的孩童，但同時又稱其骯髒，因為他的誕生是來自男女肉體之愛，來自不純潔的母親。一面詆毀母親缺乏道德，骯髒，但同時又對永恆與生命表達深深的渴慕。而不悔改的人指的是誰呢？或許是那些不認同上帝已死的人、仍舊耽溺於膚淺的男女之愛的人？如果新生兒是骯髒的，如何孩童能夠是純潔的呢？孩童具有創造性所以他自己創造出另一位純潔的孩童作為伴侶，這樣的理想要如何能夠達成呢？

「我最初的和末後的是使一切沉重者輕盈，一切肉體變成舞蹈者，一切思想變為飛鳥：真的，這是我的開始與終結。…所有的言語不都是為沉重之人而發嗎？在輕盈之人看來所有言語豈非謊言！」 (Nietzsche, 2009)查拉圖斯特拉將自己擺在一個特別高尚的地位，他始終是輕盈的，是美麗的舞蹈，是自由的，同時是真實的。其他人在他看來都顯得沉重、是骯髒的肉體、是備受束縛的、是虛假的。但也許這反映出作者內心的真實想法，那些看來完美的條件都是他內心最深的渴望與追求。

在〈蜂蜜祭品〉篇章中，查拉圖斯特拉向動物傾訴：「我的幸福沉重，不是潺湲的流泉；它逼迫我，不願離開我，猶如融化的瀝青。」 (Nietzsche, 2009)他認為自己被困在瀝青中動彈不得，他追求的幸福—或者說對他窮追不捨的幸福—讓他喘不過氣來。世人所追尋的幸福—愛情、婚姻、繁衍，對他來說是最沉重的枷鎖。而這些不是他要的幸福。他渴望永恆、自由、純潔，卻越是追求越是深陷世俗幸福無可逃脫。同時也是人們之所以不能成為超人的限制。

〈論新舊標牌〉中提到對於婚姻的破壞者（情婦）的看法：「你們的婚姻，別弄成一種糟糕的結合，你們結合過於匆忙，因此釀成—婚姻破裂。但縱使婚姻破裂，也好過婚姻的扭曲和欺騙！—一個婦女對我說：『我確實破壞了婚姻，但首先是婚姻破壞了我！』…我希望真誠的人互相說：『我們相愛，讓我們注意維持互愛吧！要不，我們的誓約只是個錯誤嗎？…』我如是建議所有真誠的人，倘若我做另外的建議和說法，那麼，我對超人的愛、對未來一切的愛都成了什麼！不僅要培植你們，而且要向高處培植—噢，我的弟兄們，讓婚姻的花園幫助你們吧！」 (Nietzsche, 2009)雖然查拉圖斯特拉認為婚姻是長期的愚行，但他更加排斥破壞婚姻者，因為婚姻可以促使生育—向上繁衍。他認為婚姻應該要真誠，不能是因為短暫的肉體之愛而進入婚姻，因而輕易毀壞誓約。女性常常是作為毀壞婚姻的角色，這裡不再談論道德、膚淺的問題，而是強調婚姻雙方的平等。在此重新評估了女性的價值，查拉圖斯特拉對女性的觀點時常有如此反覆、自我顛覆的描摹。也許因為尼采和妹妹歷經數次感情破裂與和好，也許因為他一生對家中的女性角色和愛情裡的女性角色都懷抱著愛恨交織的情感，揉合尊崇與輕視，自我矛盾卻無法逃脫的情感。

在〈在荒漠的女兒們中間〉中，查拉圖斯特拉深情的表達對女人的愛戀：「那時我遠離了多雲、潮濕而憂傷的古老歐洲。當時我熱愛東方少女和另一種藍天，上面既無雲翳，也無思想張懸。幫她們停下舞蹈時，是多麼乖巧地端坐在那裡，深沉，但沒有思想，想一個個小密碼，彷彿配有飾帶的謎語…」 (Nietzsche, 2009)可見他對女人的愛慕是一種超脫的情感，同時有點不切實際的幻想。女人的神祕、舞蹈、乖巧仍舊讓他深深著迷，同時他的情詩中也描繪他的肉體之愛的渴望，許多描述唇瓣、裙裾、腿等等。女人再次成為他追求的對象。

在〈覺醒〉中，他又表示男人的食物不適於孩子，也不適於青年婦女和老年婦女，而這些不是他都不管了。在〈徵召〉中，野獸溫柔而歡愉地依偎在他腳邊，群鴿上下翻飛，不時落在他的肩上，撫摸他的白髮。他大呼：「我的孩子們鄰近了！」查拉圖斯特拉如是說，他離開他的洞穴，炙熱而強健的，猶如陰暗群山中升起的一輪驕陽。 (Nietzsche, 2009)

查拉圖斯特拉說他起初和末後都是一樣的。我認為他起初是要接受世俗的男女之愛，結婚生子；經歷了許多對女性的貶低和無可自拔的追尋，他最後又回到順服。確實如他所說的起初末後相同，而中間經歷的反覆掙扎、對超人的追尋，最終都如同夢一般，他像嶄新的白晝一樣，褪去踽踽獨行尋找伴侶的黑暗旅程，終於回歸現實社會。這本書像在向所有人宣告這樣的生命歷程，但同時又像在自我內心追尋，是一本為所有人又不為任何人寫的書。

引用的項目

Nietzsche Friedrich. (2009). 扎拉圖斯特拉如是說—一本為所有人又不為任何人所寫之書. (劉小楓, 編者, & 娄林黃明嘉, 譯者) 上海市, 浙江省: 華東師範大學��版社.

張明明. (2015). 一半天才，一半瘋子：尼采. 於張明明, 歡樂哲學課. 臺北, 台灣: 天下文化.

#尼采 #查拉圖斯特拉如是說 #女性

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cotyrole · 5 years

Text

The story of my student days

這是一篇關於我的文章

小學

讀於奉化市岳林中心小學，我的班主任是一個年紀50 的語文老師，班主任的兒子已經是一名大學生，我的同桌是一個班級成績拔尖的優等生，汪某（化名），他媽媽和我媽認識，而我，是一個成績中檔的學生，我在仰視他的環境下度過了我的小學。

小學時候我還是一名積極向上的學生，我會復習，預習，做作業，為什麼？都是我媽強迫的，她說，讀書能改變貧窮，使自己做上等人。我相信但又很不情願地做這些事情，這對於一個本應該好好玩地孩子是很正常的事情，所以，我每次寫作業，拖拖拉拉，發發呆，沒有手機，那個年代只有家長才會擁有手機，而且還是諾基亞，我也從不抱著幻想我會得到一部手機。我的語文是比較差的，我的數學一般般，但是每當期末我書寫卻老是能考到很優秀的成績。這樣子讀多了兩年，迎來了三年級，英語出現了。這門科目，我挺喜歡，但是又學不上去，過了一學期我媽讓我去劍橋英語學習，劍橋的學習我學會瞭如何學習英語這門課也喜歡上了這門課。在劍橋學習了兩年，每週三晚上，週五晚上和周六白天，我的英語成績突飛猛進，基本位於班級前十，這也是我後來唯一喜歡的科目。每次！我考砸了，父母就拿同桌汪X給我講人家讀書多用工成績多好，我忍這種話忍了整個��中，考好了，幾句繼續努力就完事了。三年級，還發生了一件事情，我每週都去書法鮑老師家裡學習書法，每週六，學習了兩年，這也是我從一年級就開始喜歡的一門藝術。兩年後，我停止了去老師家裡學書法，有趣的事情發生了，我的書法老師竟然主動來找我，說他家的那棟樓(5層樓每層兩戶的套房)樓道的牆壁上出現了“哈哈”兩字，他憑字體看出了是我的寫的，所以，的確是我寫的，”調皮”就是我的tag，他要求我去把這兩個字刷刷掉，怎麼刷？讓我爸去刷，WTF？ “這樓到又不是你家的範圍是公共範圍，我寫的又不是你家裡，憑什麼讓我爸去弄掉，而且管你什麼事“這是我20歲回想起來後的內心獨白，當我才五年級的我根本沒聽懂他的意思。這件事情在他和我說了後一直過去了兩三週我都沒和我爸說過，不敢說，心想著自己去用修正液處理掉下，但是遲遲沒有去，這兩三週我書法老師每節課上都和我說，簡直沒完沒了，終於在第五週我和我爸說起了這個事情，我爸那時候正在和我媽討論支付暑假學習書法的費用，不是我家付不起，是因為那段時間教育局查得嚴，老師帶學生不能收錢，所以在暑假學習的時候我爸找上門付錢時候他很主動的拒絕帶學生不要錢，正好他們那天商量去給學費聽到我的話就明白了，這肯定是來變相要學費來了，當天晚上我爸就去了書法老師家裡付掉了學費，自那次起，書法老師在也沒和我提起過這件事情，我也再也給看他順眼過。關於玩電腦？想得美，一學期都不會給你玩，放假給你玩幾天快開學就不讓你玩，每天就給你1小時。

初中

這是一段傳奇故事的起源，也是不可缺少的導火索，小升初因為只考了268，數學91，英語89，語文85，導致了我只能進入7班，普通班，也稱為中班，上有好班，下有差班，名稱什麼都無所謂至少我們的家長是這麼命名的。我的小升初成績在班級里大約是15名，全班45人，處於挺好的階段，我的班主任竺老師（男）教英語，是的，我最喜歡的科目的任課老師居然是我的班主任，但是他真的很有趣，我超級喜歡他，他教課很好，是一個很負責的老師，基本上一個月有幾個電話給我媽打過來😒Shit。剛認識這個老師，我非常約束自己，安靜，認真，舉手，我幾乎把電視裡的好學生該做的事情一件不差的演了出來，演了一學期，這裡我給我自己頒發奧斯卡最佳好學生影帝獎，所有老師都信了我是一個積極向上的好學生，家長眼中的學習積極分子，但是我的成績並不理想，我的語文成績再次成為了我最頭疼的科目，不及格再一次在這個學習出現，這個世界上最懂自己的還是只有自己，我深刻明白最適合的不是學習，而是演戲，所以我把這齣好學生戲演到了期末，期末考試一結束，我宣告自己自導自演的“初中一年級第一學期”這齣戲成功殺青，我毫不猶豫的在教室里和一個同學瘋子一般的在教室裡追逐著用粉筆互相砸對方，被從辦公室出來的班主任逮個正著，大聲的吼住了我“你在發什麼神經”，來教室後懲罰我去教室門口站著，Good，這是這輩子以來最mother fickin shit的事情了，順便還在考後的短短三天假期佈置了全班罰抄英語課本單詞的作業👍，太牛逼了。我的小學同桌，初中是4班，依然是我媽每次給我對比的優秀好學生，“人家汪X到了好班都是前幾名的再看看你，爛屎蛋，不會讀就直說好了，我也不用管你了“。這話是我周末看電視都能聽到的諷刺的話。第二學習的開始我無法繼續著我演好學生的角色，就像是一名間諜，被敵人發現怎麼繼續臥底，所以我很約束的表現出了真實的一面。初中直至了第三年，我的房間多出來了台電視。是的舒服的很，玩電腦既然這麼艱難我還有電視看，每當我爸媽飯後去散步的時候我就打開電視看《俠嵐》，這也是我最喜歡看的國產動畫，那麼問題來了，作業怎麼辦，從來沒有很乖地寫過，差不多20點多我爸媽散步回來，我才開始寫作業，從來不擔心寫到幾點，我有同學們的電話， 21點就是最佳的遠程抄作業答案的時機，完成了語文數學或者數學英語的我，通過電話和其他同學們交換作業，那個年代有我這麼玩科技的真的不多，其他同學基本都是教室里分工作業的但是我基本不擔心下課就應該休息，當然也有比較煩惱的時候，寫數學來不及而且全是大題目，根本沒法電話抄，don't worry,I have good idea，第二天上學，第一排收作業的我，把我們組同學的作業和我的作業放進我的夾克里，褲子口袋藏著筆，光明正大的走到班主任面前稱自己肚子不舒去上廁所，實際則是去抄作業。關於玩電腦，父母把電腦反鎖在他們房間不讓我玩，但是破解它在我看來並不是什麼難事，他們房間的上邊有個小窗，每當他們週末出去，我就一腳踩著門把手，雙手把自己舉起來從小窗戶進入他們房間，Good，Very good，沒有你做不到只有你想不到。為什麼我父母要鎖門，在這之前他們出去都是不鎖門的，我會很直接的去玩電腦，每次他們回來都是來摸電腦溫度這一招，一熱，問題很明顯，馬腳全漏，反倒使我更加不敢玩電腦，但是反鎖門，使我更加開心，聽到他們回家的聲音我就從反鎖的門扣上鎖把門關起來，一點馬腳都不會出現，而且他們反鎖門跟本就不關機電腦，就這樣，我在這樣惡劣的環境下學會了剪輯，走上了中國影視這條不歸路。初三，下學期，我惡劣頑皮，上課和同桌玩，開小差，有一次我上課走神，班主任講課一般停下一粉筆扔過來我才被從大腦休眠中驚醒，總之班主任把我調到了第一排，一人一桌，神仙寶座，我坐著這個位置一直做到了畢業。

高中

中考成績不理想在我身上一點都不奇怪，486分的中考成績在我們這邊只能是職高隨便挑選，普高最低分數線還差20分，死要面子的我很想去普高，心裡又暗暗喜歡著職高那邊的輕鬆的學習生活，反正我現在是很後悔沒有去職高，那時候以為職高是不能高考的。伴隨著中考的失敗我爸問我要不要去紹興諸暨的私立普高，榮懷學校，學費按照我的分數來算是22000元一年，我的虛榮心使我毫不猶豫地答應了這個決定，下定決心要好好學習。之後我們去見了當地的來自榮懷學校的招生老師，4人一間寢室，超市什麼都有，聽起來多麼美好，感覺就像是大學，一張校園卡刷遍整個學校，就是不能帶手機。我爸代替我坐著校車去參觀了我即將要去的新高中，我把看來能用good形容，據老爸說他們參觀了4人寢室，電子多媒體教室等等。開學之際，我爸再次打電話給了招生老師確認了參觀學校時候所參觀的寢室，教室是否真實，這時候老師告訴他了實話，4人寢室是要多付5000才能居住，電子教室實際是國際部學生的教室，洗衣機也是沒有的，教室是40多人，我爸聽了後再次問我是否要去，我的虛榮心再次作祟毫不猶豫地確認要去。開學了，來到了榮懷學校，和家的距離有著手指頭數掰不過來的公里數，想念家的感覺使得我再次打電話給我地父母，希望能開後門進當地普通高中，最終得知的確是可以但是3萬的關係費使得我父母讓我放棄了這個想法，我不得不在這個“監獄”中度過我的高中三年，如何形容這個學校，只能說，它就像是個“小社會”，學校裡有這麼些比較喜歡舔高職位的老師來換取利益，經常給他們帶吃的，幫他們發東西，像狗一樣地被使喚還樂在其中，就像是日本來侵略中國的時候的漢奸，而他們獲得的好處，只是手機免被收，可以經常開出門條進出校門，去老師辦公室像狗一樣待命，老師開心時候給他們一些吃的，但是他們就像是吃到了蜜一樣的開心，在辦公室的他們經常有自豪感因為他們有老師做靠山，想想可笑之極。我高一，是4班，是創新班，創新班的第三等級，往上有創新2班等級，創新1班等級，特效班，往下有普通班，所以我所在的班級是比較低的等級，為什麼私立學校還有特效班，因為他們花高價收買這些學生來學校學習，給與他們一中這種老師的教育，免學費等等，而這些錢，來自於我們花了20000多來唸書的學生的錢，但是作為商業化的學校，這並不奇怪。我的班主任是政治老師（女），是個嚴肅的老師，負責，認真，是她給我感覺到的tag，也是我繼初中以來比較喜歡的老師。手機，不能帶，但是還是很多人帶，我父母很同意老師的意思堅決不讓我帶，剛開始我只能帶ipod shuffle，只能用來聽歌的MP3，後來我以學校電話於寢室太遠為藉口，和父母要求要帶手機為了方便聯繫，這一點根本不夠充分理由，但是為了滿足我這一點，我媽給我帶了諾基亞手機，一台只能勉強上QQ的手機，太奇妙了，連好友發給我的圖片也接受不了，全寢室都有手機，而我只有一台按鍵機，我萌生了買一部手機的念頭，幾個月堅持，最終如願以償，我存下了生活費買了部三星S3neo，有了手機，我過上了與其他室友一樣美好的高中生活，而高一的成績，從前10，跌落到了倒數10，結束。

進入了高二，剛開學，我就惹事情了，消防演戲，上午，要求我們呆在寢室，政教處幾個老師在寢室樓門口坐著聊天，這幾個人全校多數同學都看他們不爽，我拍下了他們的照片，分享到了QZone，標題是“看門狗來了“，發出後被幾個和這些老師關係好一點的學長們看到��到了政教處，某天他們被老師叫來把我帶去政教處，進行了嚴肅教育，在政教處站了一天，並要求收走我的手機，而我和別人借了部手機交了上去。高二分班後我的班主任是周堅銘，語文老師，體型肥胖，狡詐，陰險，是我給他的tag，下課經常來收手機，回寢室也會偷偷進來看有沒有人在玩手機，班級將近有一半人的手機栽在了他的手下，一收就是期末才還。傳奇故事的高潮開始，我在這個班級又是演一個正經的好學生，和這個班主任非常融洽，是老師的好幫手，就是成績差了點，但是怎麼說進來我的成績也是班級前十的，一天，下課，我從抽屜拿出了手機看消息，班主任悄無聲息地進來了，我看到他都愣住了，手機沒來及藏起來，被收走了，不服氣，打算拿回我的手機，焦急的心情使我大腦加速運轉，終於，我想到了世上有模型機這種東西，我借來同桌的手機買了台S3的模型機，第二天我便收到了這台模型機，計劃著如何借助天時地利來完成這一偉大的計劃，經過多次的觀察，晚自習是最佳的偷梁換柱時機，所有被收的手機就在他的最右邊的抽屜中，某一天的晚上，計劃實施，副班主任按時的來教室管著班級，我拿起語文作業本，和副班主任說去交作業，進入辦公室，走到班主任座位，打開抽屜，手機，Success。將近過去了一個月，班主任什麼都沒有發現，但是中間有幾個學著我的辦法去班主任辦公室調包手機的人。 12月，某個中午午休，我在看12點更新的某部劇集，把手機放在課桌中間，同桌，把他的頭也探了過來，就是因為這顆定時炸彈導致了我的手機再一次在班主任突擊檢查的時候被收走，mother fuckin…怎麼辦，招不怕舊，有用就行，觀察，計劃，與上一次不同的是，他莫名其妙的把抽屜鎖了起來，給我的計劃帶來了一點難度，要換手機必須要有鑰匙，猜測最危險的地方肯定是最安全的地方，這是我萌生的第一個想法，胖子這人陰險狡詐，看人低，肯定覺得把鑰匙放辦公室不會有人知道，某個下課我走進辦公室做調查，發現在他的鍵盤邊上，有一串鑰匙，但這時候有其他老師在我不能嘗試鑰匙是否是那個抽屜的鑰匙，當天晚自習，下課，我以上廁所的名義，身上藏著本作業本，去了班主任辦公室，用了那把鑰匙打開了放手機的抽屜，的確，這就是潘多拉寶盒的鑰匙，但是此時我聽到了開門聲，我立刻手拿作業本假裝尋找周圍的作業本，然後直至他離開，我鎖上了抽屜，迅速地離開辦公室，那一刻，冷汗直冒。我暫時放棄了換手機的念頭，等過了幾天，我又買了部模型機，東西到手後開始尋找晚自習實施偷梁換柱的機會。過了幾天，一切在按照計劃的實行，手機再次回到手中，此時，抽屜中已經有了兩部模型機。 1月，某個下課班主任突然叫我去辦公室問我知不知道有沒有人來動過他的抽屜，冷靜，鎮定，演員的修養，沒有任何破綻，“我不知道欸”，我笑瞇瞇地說出了這句話，然後他讓我離開了辦公室，等到了語文課，班主任氣憤地進來教室問道：

”誰動了我的抽屜還用模型機換走了手機。“

…

“換手機地現在站起來，我倒還會從輕處理。”

繼續安靜…

“還沒有人站起來麼，我抽屜裡少了500元錢，沒人站起來我就要報警了。”

安靜…

過了30s，有人坐不住了，是班長站了起來，

“還有沒有人，我就不信就他一個人，我抽屜裡有兩部模型機”

順手從口袋里扔出了兩部模型機，我看了那兩個模型機，是我的，只有我的。

安靜…

“班長你給我來辦公室。“

班主任和班長去了辦公室，教室裡一篇爭論，我不知道他們在講什麼，我只知道，既然他站起來了，如果他知道江湖規矩的話，就應該不會說出其他人。中午，我去問他班主任怎麼說，一臉無辜就是他的表情，全世界拋棄了他就是他當時的唯一想法，他什麼都沒和我說。下午，班主任拿來了所有人地手機，讓我們和父母打電話關於支付新校服費用的事情，我上去拿了我的手機，其實此時，我還有一台很老的三星也被上交了，是同學借給我的，但是又想不起來什麼時候上交的，所以上邊沒寫，總之我上去拿回了那台老三星，第二天，班主任要求上交昨天發下的手機，我把我的老三星上交了去，接著班主任讓我拿著手機袋，去了他的辦公室。

來到辦公室，放下手機，班主任說道：

“你好好想想你這幾天干了什麼。“

一張處分單一手拍到了我身前的桌子上，

“現在就寫。“

我一句話都沒說，簡單寫下了經過，大致是“我把我的手機用模型機換走了“，接著是讓我在辦公室站了一天。最終，可能是處於我之前關係和他還好，所以沒有把我的處分提交，只是要打電話給了我父母，我也主動寫了份檢討，寫的很生動，做牛做馬，也希望不要告訴我父母，因為手機是自己偷偷買的，一講就玩露餡了，但是他最終還是打了電話。這份檢討，導致了日後一直讓我給他辦事情，送東西，買藥，拿班級點心，處處針對我，加社團不同意，我的怒氣日漸堆積，卻無法發洩，只能樂觀坦然接受現實，幸運的是，我還有手機。高二的第二學期，一個好朋友的退學使我很心情極糟，結合之前的怒氣，我當時的腦子只能產生消極的念頭，成績持續往下跌，考上大學基本沒戲，學考科目中還帶著E，前途只是一片黑暗，還不如退學，省的浪費錢，關於這一點，每一次在家裡，我父母都會有事沒事的說一句讀不好就不要讀了，而我卻是一而再再而三的死要面子的說我能讀好的，這種話從小學便開始，聽到了高中，我演好學生演了10年不止，種種怨恨無法發洩讓我終於咽不下這口氣，某個晚上我躺在床上，想通了，我不想再繼續演了，我是個差生，我可以另尋出路，繼續留在學校肯定是沒有希望的，這種偽裝好學生的日子我再也不想過了，我要退學。 … 第二天早上，我通過學校的公用電話打電話給了我爸，明確要求退學，而我爸非常驚訝地問我為什麼要退學，這不是讀的好好的麼，”我根本就不是在讀書，我一直在浪費我的時間，這爛書我不要讀了，你們明天就來學校辦退學手續吧“,我第一次說出了實話，這種感覺很舒服，很輕鬆，我從來都沒有感受到過那一刻的輕鬆，是戰爭勝利的感覺。 “你最近是怎麼了，是同學欺負你還是班主任說你什麼了，我打電話給你班主任下”，“你不用打的，我是自己想要退學的，和別人沒一點��係，我不想讀書了，我不是那塊料，你不用多說什麼，是希望我正常退學還是吃學處分被勸退你們自己看著辦吧“。老爸沉思了，”我打電話給你班主任下，中午再說“，”嗯“。電話掛斷，回到教室，感覺走路的步伐很輕，很舒服，踩著空氣，彷彿自己掙脫了枷鎖了，重獲自由，那一刻，我屬於自由。中午食堂，我看到了班主任打電話，他在食堂門口看著我，無疑那是我爸打給他的電話，飯後午休時間，回到寢室裡，我用室友的電話打給老爸，電話中具體聊了什麼，我已經忘記了，大致就是讓我這學期讀完，我很不爽的答應了。有趣的事情發生了，那通電話後，我班主任對我的態度發生了360°大轉變，本來是什麼社團都不讓我加，現在是拼命討好我，為什麼？因為中途退學，會導致他扣工資，這所私立學校的遊戲規則就是這樣子的，我和班主任的戰爭從逆勢轉變了順勢。 4月，我們年級再次分班，新的班主任對我很好，為人正直，很看重我的能力，但對我而言沒什麼用，這所學校所給我留下的陰影不是這麼容易就能夠抹去的了，我退學已經是板上釘釘的事情了。高二結束，退學。

大學

經過父母的打聽，親戚姑媽是浙江紡織學院的老師，推薦我去他們學校讀成人教育，能考自考本科文憑，雖然和我計劃的工作不太一樣，但是真的比高中的黑暗生活舒服太多，面談得很好，開學就來了紡織一村的寢室，開始了一年的學習。我是未成年，所以無法參加成人高考，使得我一直是個無學籍讀書的學生。第二學期，我的兩個高中同學被原來的班主任騙來了寧波大學讀大學，從他們口中得知上大學有兩種，統招和成教，按照他們的說法，他們是在寧波大學借讀，學籍在山西那邊的專科大學掛著，畢業後比同屆學生晚一年拿大學畢業證書，我當時對此並沒有什麼想法。大學一年隨即過去，一年來什麼都沒有學到，只是認識到了很多厲害的朋友，但是不甘心只能拿成教文憑的我查閱了社會對成教的認可度，不高，但是，自考本科高，只是部分國企不認可，我又調查了他們讀大學掛學籍的做法，了解到山西和江甦的大學可以通過教育的漏洞來完成這個做法，原因是這兩個地方的大學太多，但是學生又太少，所以很多學校招不滿學生，這兩個地方實施了“註冊入學“的製度，即，沒有通過分數考上大學的人可以通過註冊入學來讀大學，畢業後文憑和考入大學的學生一樣，只限於大專學院可以註冊入學，但是，這個註冊入學只有是當地的學籍的學生才能享受，於是黑心商家們發現了這個機會，通過把學生的身份信息在江蘇或者山西的高中掛個學籍，掛滿一年，就有參加高考資格，參加當地的高考，也能夠享受當地註冊學制度，與山西不同，江甦的大學要求人必須去學校讀書，而山西的大學可以掛讀，讓學生能夠在當地享受的掛讀帶來的輕鬆，學分這些完全不用擔心，我繼續查閱這個做法的可靠性，其中被騙的人挺多，走這種方法失敗的也有，成功的也有，所以這是一個需要幾分運氣的。對於這麼千載難逢的機會，我很想抓住，所以把這個做法告訴了父母，我媽表示堅決反對，而我繼續搜尋成功案例給她洗腦希望她同意我，但是一直到暑假的尾聲，我還是沒能夠說服他。就在快暑假尾聲的時候，我的高中同學為分數不夠希望能夠通過註冊入學的彎路來尋找大學，但是奇蹟發生了，在三段線過後，浙江省的大學的最低錄取線降低了，他的分數剛好能夠填志願，最終他進了紹興職業技術學院。而我，不得不聽從父母回到紡織，暑假結束的前幾天，我又開始胡思亂想，為什麼我同桌都能考上大學，而我就不能。第二天，我撤下臉皮，和我媽說想去複讀，我媽聽到後，一口回絕”你都一年沒讀書了，你還想高考？你的心還能收得攏？“”我可以的，我現在想讀書了，人家能考上我也能考上大學“，”你給我省省吧，當初我們讓你讀書你不讀，現在又逼死一樣的要去讀，再說你還有高考的資格麼“。我沒說什麼上了樓，此時我腦子全是我媽的惡言，幾分鐘後我冷靜了下來想，如果要復讀首先得知道自己有沒有高考的資格。打開電腦，首先聯繫了复讀一年的堂姐，得來的不是能不能高考的消息，而是複讀多麼艱苦，手機也沒得玩，整整一年都要為了高考做準備，等一系列讓我退縮的話，但是，我想知道的，只是能不能高考，他給了我她复讀的學校的名字，是私立的複讀學校，那麼就可以順著名稱找到學校官網並找到學校的招生電話，Good，功夫不負有心人，我成功聯到了招生辦的老師，別的我不管，我只想知道我能不能複讀，而最終的答案就是“能!”我可以參加高考，因為我沒有成教學籍，我可以以往屆生的身份參加高考，好消息來的太突然，我掛斷了電話告訴了我興奮地告訴父母這個消息，但是他們依然很懷疑我的學習態度以至於擔心這复讀的一年是浪費的，所以，再次拒絕了我。放棄了就是不我，機會，是要靠自己抓住的，我再次聯繫了我高中的政教處老師問我的這樣子能不能複讀已經參加高考，他的答案也是肯定的，這更加堅定了我對高考的想法。暑期結束，提前幾天去學校，這樣可以不用讓父母和我一起去報學校報到。來到學校下車後我去了寧波大學同學的寢室住了兩晚，第三天我沒有去學校報導，而是自己向學校提出了休學申請，有趣的事情是沒有學籍的我根本不能休學只能退學，退學是不能的，必須要有一條退路，萬一沒有考上還能回來繼續讀書，來到了教務處辦公室，老師說沒有學籍只能寫一張證明，證明自己讀了一年，到時候回來繼續從高二開始讀書，並讓我抄了兩份，一人一份，蓋上學校的章，接著便是把退學申請的單子找各個老師簽名，幾乎所有老師的都完成了，就只差班主任的，而我懶得去弄了。這張退學申請就沒有交，使得我變成了強制退學，在我看來主動和強制沒有什麼區別，退學之後我通過朋友的認識，去了南之音樂公司面試，面試的很愉快，實習工資1500元，過幾天就來上班。 6點起床，7點坐公交車，9點才能到公司，誇張的公交時間使得我不到一周就打起了退堂鼓，上班的幾天裡我完成了一個mv和一個碟片包裝的設計。週五，我迎來了公司實習第一次出門拍攝，拍攝器材的重量讓我更加退縮，累上加累，當天拍攝的結束，我借家裡有事請假，第二天的拍攝就沒有去，過了幾天並提出了對工作的辭職，第一次工作，就此結束。與此同時，我堂哥的一個朋友想在奉化這個沒有影視文化的地區開創影視的公司，我很樂意的加入其中，一直工作了一年，一年中，每週末我都會和曾經紡織的同學一起去玩，原本應該孤獨的一年因他們變得充實起來，參加了學考，奇蹟地把之前所有的E變成了D，獲得了提前招生的資格，報了5個大學的提前招生，其中兩所大學因為考試時間相撞沒有去成，最終橫店擬錄取，紡織備錄取，為了等待紡織，我冒險放棄了橫店的擬錄取，最終等來的卻是一場空。父母的責罵，自責感，對於高考的害怕，環繞在腦海中，但是，如今能做的也只能是高考了，準備開始復習，買了200元的學習書，最終，我看的時間不超過一天，翻過的內容只有幾頁。臨時抱佛腳都救不了我，只能硬著頭皮上了。高考三天，三天的考試，三門考試碰上了同一個監考老師，她都認識我了，後面幾次見面笑瞇瞇地對我說”又是你哈“，”哈哈真有緣“我微笑的回答，隨即進入了考場。高考結束，等待的是漫長兩個月的分數線公佈，我成功偏離了三段線，但是，和去年一樣，我舔上了香噴噴的降分錄取，我的成績高於最低分數線40多分，最終由之前的同桌幫我填寫的志願，被浙江東方職業技術學院錄取，從此，我成為了我們小區的傳奇。告別了之前的工作，邁入了大學，終於能和一個正常大學生享受大學生活。為了逃避7天軍訓，我以皮膚問題去了朋友的醫院弄到了”見不得光“的病症，這幾天中，班主任找上了我，得知我有視頻後期的能力，讓我做一段軍訓的視頻，百般拒絕的我最終還是沒能逃脫，做了這個視頻證明下我不是只會吹牛的人，從此，有個學長說我成了信息學院的紅人。至此，傳奇故事待續…

ENGLISH TRANSLATE：

This is an article about me.

primary school Read in Yuelin Central Primary School in Fenghua City. My class teacher is a 50+ language teacher. The son of the class teacher is already a college student. My desk is a top class student with a top grade. Wang (a pseudonym), he Mom and my mom know, and I am a mid-level student. I spent my elementary school looking up at him. When I was in elementary school, I was still a positive student. I will review, preview, and do my homework. Why? It’s all my mother’s forced, she said, reading can change poverty and make yourself a good person. I believe but reluctantly do these things. This is normal for a child who should be fun. So, every time I write homework, I am dragging my feet, making a daze, no cell phone, only parents in that era. I will have a mobile phone, and I am still Nokia. I never get a fantasy and I will get a mobile phone. My language is relatively poor, my math is generally the same, but every time I write at the end of the period, I can always get very good results. This read for two more years, ushered in the third grade, and English appeared. I like this subject, but I can't learn it. After a semester, my mom asked me to go to Cambridge English. I learned how to learn English in Cambridge. I also liked this course. I studied in Cambridge for two years, every Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday daytime, my English scores soared, basically in the top ten of the class, which is the only subject I liked later. Each! I took the test, my parents took the same table Wang X to tell me how good the results of the work and how many jobs, I endured this kind of words to endure the entire junior high school, test well, and continue to work hard to complete a few words. In the third grade, there was another thing. Every week I went to the calligraphy teacher Bao’s home to study calligraphy. Every Saturday, I studied for two years. This is also an art that I have liked since I was in the first grade. Two years later, I stopped going to the teacher's house to learn calligraphy. Interesting things happened. My calligraphy teacher took the initiative to come to me and said that the building of his house (the two-storey suite on each floor of the five-story building) wall. There was a word "haha" on the screen. He saw that it was written by me. So, it was indeed written by me. "Naughty" is my tag. He asked me to brush these two words. How to brush? Let my dad brush, WTF? "This building is not the scope of your home is the public scope, I am not writing your home, why let my dad get rid of it, and control what you do" This is my inner monologue after I was 20 years old, when I didn't understand what he meant in the fifth grade. This matter has been said for two or three weeks after he and I have said that I have not said to my dad, I dare not say, I thought that I would use the correction fluid to deal with it, but I have not gone, these two three Zhou, my calligraphy teacher told me every class, it was almost endless. I finally talked to my dad about this in the fifth week. My dad was discussing with my mother about the cost of studying calligraphy during the summer vacation. My family couldn't afford it because it was strictly checked by the Education Bureau during that time. The teacher took the students and couldn't collect the money. So when my dad came to pay for the house during the summer vacation, he actively refused to take the students to avoid the money. It happened that they discussed it that day. I went to the tuition to hear me and I understood it. It must have come to the school in disguise. I went to the calligraphy teacher’s house that night and paid the tuition. Since that time, the calligraphy teacher has not mentioned it to me. This thing, I will also show him pleasing to the eye. About playing computer? If you want to be beautiful, you won’t be able to play for you for a semester. You will not be allowed to play after a few days of schooling. You will be given an hour a day.

junior high school This is the origin of a legendary story, and it is also an indispensable fuse. Xiaosheng had only tested 268, mathematics 91, English 89, and language 85, which led me to only enter the 7th class, the ordinary class, also known as the middle class. There are good classes on the job, there are jobs on the job, and the name doesn't matter. At least our parents are so named. My junior grade is about 15 in the class, 45 in the class, in a very good stage, my class teacher, 竺 teacher (male) teaches English, yes, my favorite subject teacher is actually my class teacher. But he is really interesting. I like him very much. He teaches very well. He is a very responsible teacher. Basically, I have a few calls to my mom for a month. I just met this teacher. I am very restrained. I am very quiet, serious, and raise my hand. I almost played the good things that the good students on TV did. I played for a semester. Here I gave myself an Oscar. The best student awards, all the teachers believe that I am a positive and good student, the active activists in the eyes of the parents, but my grades are not ideal, my language scores have once again become my most headache subject, no Passing once again in this study, the world who knows the most about himself is still only himself. I deeply understand that the most suitable thing is not learning, but acting. So I played this good student to the end of the period. At the end of the final exam, I I announced that I was self-directed and the "first semester of junior high school" was a successful show. I did not hesitate to chase in the classroom with a classmate and madly in the classroom, chasing each other with chalk, and the class teacher who came out of the office. I caught it and shouted at me "What are you doing?" After the classroom, I was punished and stood at the door of the classroom. Good, this is this generation. Since the child's most other fickin shit thing, by the way, in the short three-day holiday after the test, the assignment of the whole class to copy the English textbook words is too arrogant. My elementary school is at the same table, and I have 4 classes in junior high school. I am still a good student who compares my mom every time. "When people come to the good class, they are the top ones and look at you again. It’s rotten and can’t read. Just say it, I don't care about you anymore." This is the irony that I can hear on TV during the weekend. At the beginning of the second study, I can't continue to play the role of a student. It is like a spy. I was discovered by the enemy how to continue undercover, so I am constrained to show the true side. In the third year of junior high school, there was more TV in my room. It’s very comfortable. It’s so hard to play with the computer. I still have a TV to watch. When my parents go for a walk after dinner, I turn on the TV and watch “Xia Hao”. This is also my favorite domestic animation, then the problem. Come, how to do the homework, never wrote it very embarrassingly, almost 20 o'clock, my parents walked back, I started to write homework, never worried about writing a few points, I have the phone number of the students, 21 is the most Good time to copy the answer of the homework, I completed the mathematics or mathematics English, exchanged the work with other students by phone. There were really few people playing technology in that era. Other students basically divided the classroom. Homework, but I basically don't worry about taking a break after class. Of course, when I have more troubles, I can't write mathematics and it's all big problems. I can't call it, don't worry, I have good idea, the next day, school. I took my homework and put my homework and my homework in my jacket. I had a pen in my trouser pocket. I walked up to the class teacher and said that my stomach was not comfortable. Go to the bathroom, it is actually going Chaozuo Ye. About playing computer, parents locked the computer in their room and won't let me play, but cracking it is not difficult in my opinion. There is a small window on the top of their room. Whenever they go out on weekends, I step on the door. Hands, hands raised themselves up from the small window into their room, Good, Very good, no you can't do it, you can't think of it. Why do my parents want to lock the door? Before they go out, they don’t lock the door. I will play the computer very directly. Every time they come back, they come to touch the temperature of the computer. It’s hot, the problem is obvious. All leaked, but I made me even more afraid to play the computer, but the anti-locking door made me even more happy. When I heard the sound of their return home, I locked the door from the lock of the anti-locking door, and the horses would not appear, and they The anti-locking door does not shut down the computer. In this way, I learned to edit in such a harsh environment and embarked on the no return of Chinese film and television. In the third grade, in the next semester, I was so naughty, playing in class and playing at the same table, and driving a little time. Once I was in class, the class teacher usually stopped the chalk and threw it. I was awakened from the dormancy of the brain. In short, the class teacher transferred me to the first. Row, one person, one table, the throne of the gods, I have been in this position and have been graduated.

High school The unsatisfactory results of the senior high school entrance examination are not surprising in me. The score of the 486-point senior high school entrance examination can only be randomly selected from the staff level. The lowest score of the high-level score is still 20 points. I want to go to Pu Gao, and my heart is dark. I like the relaxed study life on the higher vocational level. Anyway, I regret that I didn't go to high school. At that time, I thought I couldn't take the college entrance examination. With the failure of the senior high school entrance examination, my dad asked me if I want to go to Shaoxing Zhuji's private general high school, Ronghuai School, the tuition fee is 22,000 yuan a year according to my score. My vanity made me not hesitate to agree to this decision. Make up your mind to study hard. After that, we went to the local admissions teacher from Ronghuai School, 4 people and a bedroom, everything in the supermarket, how beautiful it sounds, it feels like a university, a campus card is used throughout the school, just can't bring a mobile phone. . My dad took me on the school bus to visit the new high school I am going to. I can see it as good, according to Dad, they visited the dormitory for 4 people, the electronic multimedia classroom and so on. At the beginning of the school, my dad called the admissions teacher again to confirm the dormitory that was visited during the visit to the school. The classroom was true. At this time, the teacher told him the truth. The dormitory for 4 people had to pay 5000 more to live. The electronic classroom was actually There are no washing machines in the classrooms of the International Department students. There are more than 40 people in the classroom. After my dad listened, I asked again if I wanted to go. My vanity once again did not hesitate to confirm. After I started school, I came to Ronghuai School. The distance from my home has a few kilometers of my fingers. The feeling of missing my family made me call my parents again. I hope to open the back door to the local high school. I finally learned that it is true. Yes, but the relationship fee of 30,000 makes my parents let me give up this idea. I have to spend my three years in this "prison". How to describe this school, I can only say that it is like a "small society." "There are some teachers in the school who like to hold high positions in exchange for benefits. They often bring food to them, help them to send things, and are liked to be happy in the same way as dogs, just like when Japan came to invade China." The traitors, and the benefits they get, just the mobile phone is free of charge, you can often open the door and enter the school gate, go to the teacher's office and wait for the dog. When the teacher is happy, give them some food, but they are like eating honey. Happy, they often have pride in the office because they have teachers to do the backing, think about ridiculous. I am a high school, is 4 classes, is the innovation class, the third level of the innovation class, there are 2 classes of innovation, 1 class of innovation, special class, there are ordinary classes down, so my class is relatively low. Level, why private schools also have special effects classes, because they spend high prices to buy these students to study at school, give them a teacher's education, free tuition, etc., and the money comes from spending more than 20,000 to study. The money for the students, but as a commercial school, this is not surprising. My class teacher is a political teacher (female), a serious teacher, responsible, serious, the tag she gave me, and the teacher I liked since junior high school. Mobile phone, can not bring, but still a lot of people bring, my parents agree with the teacher's meaning and will not let me bring it. At first I can only bring ipod shuffle, can only be used to listen to the song MP3, then I used the school phone in the bedroom too Far from being an excuse, and asking parents to bring a mobile phone for convenient contact, this is not enough reason, but in order to satisfy me, my mom brought me a Nokia mobile phone, a mobile phone that can only barely hit QQ, it is wonderful. Even the pictures sent to me by my friends can't be accepted. There are mobile phones in the whole bedroom, and I only have one button machine. I have the idea of buying a mobile phone. After a few months, I finally got my living expenses. Samsung S3neo, with a mobile phone, I lived a high school life as good as other roommates, and the results of the high school, from the top 10, fell to the bottom 10, and ended. I entered the second year of high school. When I first started school, I got into trouble. In the morning, I asked for us to stay in the dormitory. Several teachers from the Political and Education Department sat and chatted at the door of the dormitory. Most of the students in the school watched them unhappy, I took They took their photos and shared them with QZone. The title was “Watchdog came”. After being sent out, several seniors who had a good relationship with these teachers saw the political and religious office. One day they were called by the teacher to call me. I took the political and religious office, carried out a serious education, stood in the political and religious office for a day, and asked to take away my mobile phone, and I borrowed a mobile phone with someone else. After the second shift, my class teacher is Zhou Jianming, the language teacher, obese, cunning, insidious, is the tag I gave him. I often come to the mobile phone after class, and the back room will also sneak in to see if anyone is playing the mobile phone. The class is near Half of the people's mobile phones were planted under his hands, and one was only at the end of the period. The climax of the legendary story begins. I am a good student in this class. I am very good at this class teacher. It is a good helper for the teacher. It is a poor grade, but how to say that I am coming in is also the top ten in the class. One day, after class, I took out my mobile phone from the drawer and read the news. The class teacher came in quietly. I saw that he was stunned. The mobile phone didn’t come and hide, he was taken away, he was not convinced, and he planned to take it back. The mobile phone, anxious mood made my brain speed up. Finally, I thought of a model machine in the world. I borrowed a mobile phone from the same table and bought a model machine of S3. I received this model the next day. Machine, planning how to use the time and place to complete this great plan, after many observations, the evening self-study is the best time to steal the column, all the received mobile phone is in his rightmost drawer, one night Plan implementation, the deputy class teacher came to the classroom on time to manage the class, I picked up the language homework book, and the deputy class teacher said to hand in the homework, entered the office, went to the class teacher's seat, opened the drawer, Phone, Success. Nearly a month later, the class teacher found nothing, but there were a few people who learned my way to transfer the mobile phone to the class teacher's office. In December, at noon lunch break, I was watching a certain episode updated at 12 o'clock, put the mobile phone in the middle of the desk, at the same table, and probed his head, because this time bomb caused me. Once again, the mobile phone was taken away when the class teacher suddenly checked. Mother fuckin... what to do, not afraid of the old, useful, observation, planning, and the last time, he inexplicably locked the drawer and gave me the plan. It brings a little difficulty. To change the mobile phone, you must have a key. It is definitely the safest place to guess the most dangerous place. This is my first thought. The fat man is insidious and cunning. I don’t know anyone in the office. I went into the office to investigate in a class and found that there was a bunch of keys on the side of his keyboard. But this time there were other teachers who couldn’t try the key if it was the key of the drawer. In the class, in the name of the toilet above, I hid the homework book and went to the head teacher’s office. I used the key to open the drawer of the mobile phone.This is an article about me. primary schoolRead in Yuelin Central Primary School in Fenghua City. My class teacher is a 50+ language teacher. The son of the class teacher is already a college student. My desk is a top class student with a top grade. Wang (a pseudonym), he Mom and my mom know, and I am a mid-level student. I spent my elementary school looking up at him.When I was in elementary school, I was still a positive student. I will review, preview, and do my homework. Why? It’s all my mother’s forced, she said, reading can change poverty and make yourself a good person. I believe but reluctantly do these things. This is normal for a child who should be fun. So, every time I write homework, I am dragging my feet, making a daze, no cell phone, only parents in that era. I will have a mobile phone, and I am still Nokia. I never get a fantasy and I will get a mobile phone. My language is relatively poor, my math is generally the same, but every time I write at the end of the period, I can always get very good results. This read for two more years, ushered in the third grade, and English appeared. I like this subject, but I can't learn it. After a semester, my mom asked me to go to Cambridge English. I learned how to learn English in Cambridge. I also liked this course. I studied in Cambridge for two years, every Wednesday night, Friday night and Saturday daytime, my English scores soared, basically in the top ten of the class, which is the only subject I liked later. Each! I took the test, my parents took the same table Wang X to tell me how good the results of the work and how many jobs, I endured this kind of words to endure the entire junior high school, test well, and continue to work hard to complete a few words. In the third grade, there was another thing. Every week I went to the calligraphy teacher Bao’s home to study calligraphy. Every Saturday, I studied for two years. This is also an art that I have liked since I was in the first grade. Two years later, I stopped going to the teacher's house to learn calligraphy. Interesting things happened. My calligraphy teacher took the initiative to come to me and said that the building of his house (the two-storey suite on each floor of the five-story building) wall. There was a word "haha" on the screen. He saw that it was written by me. So, it was indeed written by me. "Naughty" is my tag. He asked me to brush these two words. How to brush? Let my dad brush, WTF? "This building is not the scope of your home is the public scope, I am not writing your home, why let my dad get rid of it, and control what you do" This is my inner monologue after I was 20 years old, when I didn't understand what he meant in the fifth grade. This matter has been said for two or three weeks after he and I have said that I have not said to my dad, I dare not say, I thought that I would use the correction fluid to deal with it, but I have not gone, these two three Zhou, my calligraphy teacher told me every class, it was almost endless. I finally talked to my dad about this in the fifth week. My dad was discussing with my mother about the cost of studying calligraphy during the summer vacation. My family couldn't afford it because it was strictly checked by the Education Bureau during that time. The teacher took the students and couldn't collect the money. So when my dad came to pay for the house during the summer vacation, he actively refused to take the students to avoid the money. It happened that they discussed it that day. I went to the tuition to hear me and I understood it. It must have come to the school in disguise. I went to the calligraphy teacher’s house that night and paid the tuition. Since that time, the calligraphy teacher has not mentioned it to me. This thing, I will also show him pleasing to the eye. About playing computer? If you want to be beautiful, you won’t be able to play for you for a semester. You will not be allowed to play after a few days of schooling. You will be given an hour a day. junior high schoolThis is the origin of a legendary story, and it is also an indispensable fuse. Xiaosheng had only tested 268, mathematics 91, English 89, and language 85, which led me to only enter the 7th class, the ordinary class, also known as the middle class. There are good classes on the job, there are jobs on the job, and the name doesn't matter. At least our parents are so named. My junior grade is about 15 in the class, 45 in the class, in a very good stage, my class teacher, 竺 teacher (male) teaches English, yes, my favorite subject teacher is actually my class teacher. But he is really interesting. I like him very much. He teaches very well. He is a very responsible teacher. Basically, I have a few calls to my mom for a month. I just met this teacher. I am very restrained. I am very quiet, serious, and raise my hand. I almost played the good things that the good students on TV did. I played for a semester. Here I gave myself an Oscar. The best student awards, all the teachers believe that I am a positive and good student, the active activists in the eyes of the parents, but my grades are not ideal, my language scores have once again become my most headache subject, no Passing once again in this study, the world who knows the most about himself is still only himself. I deeply understand that the most suitable thing is not learning, but acting. So I played this good student to the end of the period. At the end of the final exam, I I announced that I was self-directed and the "first semester of junior high school" was a successful show. I did not hesitate to chase in the classroom with a classmate and madly in the classroom, chasing each other with chalk, and the class teacher who came out of the office. I caught it and shouted at me "What are you doing?" After the classroom, I was punished and stood at the door of the classroom. Good, this is this generation. Since the child's most other fickin shit thing, by the way, in the short three-day holiday after the test, the assignment of the whole class to copy the English textbook words is too arrogant. My elementary school is at the same table, and I have 4 classes in junior high school. I am still a good student who compares my mom every time. "When people come to the good class, they are the top ones and look at you again. It’s rotten and can’t read. Just say it, I don't care about you anymore." This is the irony that I can hear on TV during the weekend. At the beginning of the second study, I can't continue to play the role of a student. It is like a spy. I was discovered by the enemy how to continue undercover, so I am constrained to show the true side. In the third year of junior high school, there was more TV in my room. It’s very comfortable. It’s so hard to play with the computer. I still have a TV to watch. When my parents go for a walk after dinner, I turn on the TV and watch “Xia Hao”. This is also my favorite domestic animation, then the problem. Come, how to do the homework, never wrote it very embarrassingly, almost 20 o'clock, my parents walked back, I started to write homework, never worried about writing a few points, I have the phone number of the students, 21 is the most Good time to copy the answer of the homework, I completed the mathematics or mathematics English, exchanged the work with other students by phone. There were really few people playing technology in that era. Other students basically divided the classroom. Homework, but I basically don't worry about taking a break after class. Of course, when I have more troubles, I can't write mathematics and it's all big problems. I can't call it, don't worry, I have good idea, the next day, school. I took my homework and put my homework and my homework in my jacket. I had a pen in my trouser pocket. I walked up to the class teacher and said that my stomach was not comfortable. Go to the bathroom, it is actually going Chaozuo Ye. About playing computer, parents locked the computer in their room and won't let me play, but cracking it is not difficult in my opinion. There is a small window on the top of their room. Whenever they go out on weekends, I step on the door. Hands, hands raised themselves up from the small window into their room, Good, Very good, no you can't do it, you can't think of it. Why do my parents want to lock the door? Before they go out, they don’t lock the door. I will play the computer very directly. Every time they come back, they come to touch the temperature of the computer. It’s hot, the problem is obvious. All leaked, but I made me even more afraid to play the computer, but the anti-locking door made me even more happy. When I heard the sound of their return home, I locked the door from the lock of the anti-locking door, and the horses would not appear, and they The anti-locking door does not shut down the computer. In this way, I learned to edit in such a harsh environment and embarked on the no return of Chinese film and television. In the third grade, in the next semester, I was so naughty, playing in class and playing at the same table, and driving a little time. Once I was in class, the class teacher usually stopped the chalk and threw it. I was awakened from the dormancy of the brain. In short, the class teacher transferred me to the first. Row, one person, one table, the throne of the gods, I have been in this position and have been graduated. High schoolThe unsatisfactory results of the senior high school entrance examination are not surprising in me. The score of the 486-point senior high school entrance examination can only be randomly selected from the staff level. The lowest score of the high-level score is still 20 points. I want to go to Pu Gao, and my heart is dark. I like the relaxed study life on the higher vocational level. Anyway, I regret that I didn't go to high school. At that time, I thought I couldn't take the college entrance examination. With the failure of the senior high school entrance examination, my dad asked me if I want to go to Shaoxing Zhuji's private general high school, Ronghuai School, the tuition fee is 22,000 yuan a year according to my score. My vanity made me not hesitate to agree to this decision. Make up your mind to study hard. After that, we went to the local admissions teacher from Ronghuai School, 4 people and a bedroom, everything in the supermarket, how beautiful it sounds, it feels like a university, a campus card is used throughout the school, just can't bring a mobile phone. . My dad took me on the school bus to visit the new high school I am going to. I can see it as good, according to Dad, they visited the dormitory for 4 people, the electronic multimedia classroom and so on. At the beginning of the school, my dad called the admissions teacher again to confirm the dormitory that was visited during the visit to the school. The classroom was true. At this time, the teacher told him the truth. The dormitory for 4 people had to pay 5000 more to live. The electronic classroom was actually There are no washing machines in the classrooms of the International Department students. There are more than 40 people in the classroom. After my dad listened, I asked again if I wanted to go. My vanity once again did not hesitate to confirm. After I started school, I came to Ronghuai School. The distance from my home has a few kilometers of my fingers. The feeling of missing my family made me call my parents again. I hope to open the back door to the local high school. I finally learned that it is true. Yes, but the relationship fee of 30,000 makes my parents let me give up this idea. I have to spend my three years in this "prison". How to describe this school, I can only say that it is like a "small society." "There are some teachers in the school who like to hold high positions in exchange for benefits. They often bring food to them, help them to send things, and are liked to be happy in the same way as dogs, just like when Japan came to invade China." The traitors, and the benefits they get, just the mobile phone is free of charge, you can often open the door and enter the school gate, go to the teacher's office and wait for the dog. When the teacher is happy, give them some food, but they are like eating honey. Happy, they often have pride in the office because they have teachers to do the backing, think about ridiculous. I am a high school, is 4 classes, is the innovation class, the third level of the innovation class, there are 2 classes of innovation, 1 class of innovation, special class, there are ordinary classes down, so my class is relatively low. Level, why private schools also have special effects classes, because they spend high prices to buy these students to study at school, give them a teacher's education, free tuition, etc., and the money comes from spending more than 20,000 to study. The money for the students, but as a commercial school, this is not surprising. My class teacher is a political teacher (female), a serious teacher, responsible, serious, the tag she gave me, and the teacher I liked since junior high school. Mobile phone, can not bring, but still a lot of people bring, my parents agree with the teacher's meaning and will not let me bring it. At first I can only bring ipod shuffle, can only be used to listen to the song MP3, then I used the school phone in the bedroom too Far from being an excuse, and asking parents to bring a mobile phone for convenient contact, this is not enough reason, but in order to satisfy me, my mom brought me a Nokia mobile phone, a mobile phone that can only barely hit QQ, it is wonderful. Even the pictures sent to me by my friends can't be accepted. There are mobile phones in the whole bedroom, and I only have one button machine. I have the idea of buying a mobile phone. After a few months, I finally got my living expenses. Samsung S3neo, with a mobile phone, I lived a high school life as good as other roommates, and the results of the high school, from the top 10, fell to the bottom 10, and ended.I entered the second year of high school. When I first started school, I got into trouble. In the morning, I asked for us to stay in the dormitory. Several teachers from the Political and Education Department sat and chatted at the door of the dormitory. Most of the students in the school watched them unhappy, I took They took their photos and shared them with QZone. The title was “Watchdog came”. After being sent out, several seniors who had a good relationship with these teachers saw the political and religious office. One day they were called by the teacher to call me. I took the political and religious office, carried out a serious education, stood in the political and religious office for a day, and asked to take away my mobile phone, and I borrowed a mobile phone with someone else. After the second shift, my class teacher is Zhou Jianming, the language teacher, obese, cunning, insidious, is the tag I gave him. I often come to the mobile phone after class, and the back room will also sneak in to see if anyone is playing the mobile phone. The class is near Half of the people's mobile phones were planted under his hands, and one was only at the end of the period. The climax of the legendary story begins. I am a good student in this class. I am very good at this class teacher. It is a good helper for the teacher. It is a poor grade, but how to say that I am coming in is also the top ten in the class. One day, after class, I took out my mobile phone from the drawer and read the news. The class teacher came in quietly. I saw that he was stunned. The mobile phone didn’t come and hide, he was taken away, he was not convinced, and he planned to take it back. The mobile phone, anxious mood made my brain speed up. Finally, I thought of a model machine in the world. I borrowed a mobile phone from the same table and bought a model machine of S3. I received this model the next day. Machine, planning how to use the time and place to complete this great plan, after many observations, the evening self-study is the best time to steal the column, all the received mobile phone is in his rightmost drawer, one night Plan implementation, the deputy class teacher came to the classroom on time to manage the class, I picked up the language homework book, and the deputy class teacher said to hand in the homework, entered the office, went to the class teacher's seat, opened the drawer, Phone, Success. Nearly a month later, the class teacher found nothing, but there were a few people who learned my way to transfer the mobile phone to the class teacher's office. In December, at noon lunch break, I was watching a certain episode updated at 12 o'clock, put the mobile phone in the middle of the desk, at the same table, and probed his head, because this time bomb caused me. Once again, the mobile phone was taken away when the class teacher suddenly checked. Mother fuckin... what to do, not afraid of the old, useful, observation, planning, and the last time, he inexplicably locked the drawer and gave me the plan. It brings a little difficulty. To change the mobile phone, you must have a key. It is definitely the safest place to guess the most dangerous place. This is my first thought. The fat man is insidious and cunning. I don’t know anyone in the office. I went into the office to investigate in a class and found that there was a bunch of keys on the side of his keyboard. But this time there were other teachers who couldn’t try the key if it was the key of the drawer. In the class, in the name of the toilet above, I hid the homework book and went to the head teacher’s office. I used the key to open the drawer of the mobile phone. Indeed, this is the key to the Pandora's box, but at this point I heard the opening of the door, I immediately took the homework and pretended to look for the homework around, and then until he left, I locked the drawer and quickly left the office, the moment Cold sweat. I temporarily gave up the idea of changing my mobile phone. After a few days, I bought a model machine. After I got things, I started to look for opportunities to practice self-study in the evening. After a few days, everything was in accordance with the plan, the phone returned to the hand again, at this time, there are already two model machines in the drawer. In January, a class teacher suddenly called me to the office to ask if I knew if anyone had moved his drawer, calm, calm, and the actor’s cultivation, without any flaws. “I don’t know what you are,” I said with a smile. Out of this sentence, then he let me leave the office, waited for the language class, the class teacher angrily came in the classroom and asked:"Who moved my drawer and used the model machine to change the phone."..."I am standing up now, I will still handle it lightly."Keep quiet..."No one has stood up yet. I have lost 500 yuan in my drawer. If no one stands up, I will call the police."be quiet…After 30s, someone couldn’t sit still. The squad leader stood up."There is no one, I don't believe that he is alone, there are two model machines in my drawer."I threw two model machines out of my pocket. I looked at the two model machines. It was mine, only mine.be quiet…"Squad leader, give me the office."The class teacher and the squad leader went to the office. There was a debate in the classroom. I don't know what they are talking about. I only know that since he stands up, if he knows the rules of the rivers and lakes, he should not say other people. At noon, I went to ask his class teacher how to say that his face was his expression. The world abandoned him as his only thought at the time. He didn't tell me anything. In the afternoon, the class teacher brought all the mobile phones, let us call the parents about the cost of paying the new school uniform. I went up and took my mobile phone. In fact, at this time, I still have a very old Samsung. It was borrowed from my classmates, but I couldn’t remember when I handed in, so I didn’t write it on the top. In short, I went up and took back the old Samsung. The next day, the class teacher asked to hand in the mobile phone that I sent yesterday. I handed over my old Samsung, and then the class teacher asked me to take my cell phone bag and go to his office.When I came to the office and put down my mobile phone, the class teacher said:"You think about what you have done these days."A single hand was taken on the table in front of me."Write it now."I didn't say a word, simply wrote down the passage, roughly "I changed my mobile phone with a model machine," and then let me stand in the office for a day. In the end, it may be that I was in a relationship with him before, so I didn't submit my punishment. I just called my parents. I also took the initiative to write a review. It was very vivid and I wanted to do it. Don't tell my parents, because the phone is secretly bought by myself, and when I talk about it, I still have a phone call. This review led me to keep asking him to do things, send things, buy medicines, take class snacks, and target me everywhere. I don’t agree with the community. My anger is accumulating, but I can’t vent, I can only accept the reality with optimism. Fortunately, I still have a mobile phone. In the second semester of the second year of high school, a good friend’s dropout made me feel very bad. In combination with the previous anger, my mind was only able to produce negative thoughts. The results continued to fall, and I was admitted to college without a play. With E, the future is just a darkness. It’s better to drop out of school. The province is a waste of money. Every time at home, my parents will have nothing to say. If you don’t read well, don’t read it, but I’m one after another. Again, I’m going to say that I can read well. This kind of words started from elementary school. I heard high school. I played a good student for 10 years. All kinds of resentment can’t be vented, so I can’t swallow this breath. I was lying in bed at night, I figured it out, I don't want to continue playing again. I am a poor student. I can find another way out. I will definitely have no hope to stay in school. I don't want to ever pretend to be a good student. I have to drop out of school. ... The next morning, I called my dad through the school's public phone and explicitly asked to drop out. My dad was very surprised to ask me why I had to drop out. Isn't this good reading?" I am not reading at all. I have been wasting my time. I don’t want to read this bad book. You will come to school to go to school tomorrow. "I told the truth for the first time. It feels very comfortable, very relaxed, I have never Feeling the ease of that moment is the feeling of victory in the war. "What happened to you recently, is the classmate bullying you or the class teacher saying what you are, I am calling you the class teacher." "You don't have to fight, I want to drop out of school. I have nothing to do with others. I don't want to study." Yes, I am not the piece of material. You don’t have to say anything. I hope that I will drop out of school or I will be persuaded to go back and do it myself." Dad pondered, "I called your class teacher and said "Noon" at noon. The phone hangs up and returns to the classroom. I feel that the pace of walking is very light and comfortable. I step on the air, as if I have broken away from the shackles and regained my freedom. At that moment, I belong to freedom. At the noon canteen, I saw the class teacher calling. He looked at me at the entrance of the cafeteria. No doubt it was the phone that my dad called him. After lunch break, I went back to the dormitory. I called my dad on the phone of my roommate. I specifically forgot about it. I have forgotten it. It’s about letting me finish this semester. I am very upset. Interesting things happened. After the phone call, my class teacher’s attitude towards me changed 360°. What kind of community didn’t let me add it, now I am desperately trying to please me, why? Because dropping out of school, he will be deducted from his salary. The rules of the game in this private school are like this. The war between me and the class teacher has changed from a contrarian trend. In April, our grades were again assigned. The new class teacher is very good to me. I am honest and value my ability, but it is of no use to me. The shadow that this school has left me is not so easy to wipe. Going, my withdrawal is already a matter of course. After the second year of high school, drop out of school. the UniversityAfter my parents inquired, my aunt and aunt were teachers of Zhejiang Textile College. I recommended that I go to their school to study adult education. I can take my own undergraduate diploma. Although it is not the same as my planned work, it is really much more comfortable than the dark life of high school. The interview was very good. I started to study in the dormitory of Textile Village and started a year of study. I am underage, so I can't take the adult college entrance examination, which makes me always a student without a student status. In the second semester, my two high school students were deceived by the original class teacher to go to Ningbo University. From their mouths, they learned that there are two kinds of colleges and universities, and they are enrolled in Ningbo University. According to them, they borrowed from Ningbo University. The student’s degree is hanging in a college in Shanxi. After graduation, I got a university diploma one year later than the same student. I didn’t think much about it at the time. The university passed away in a year, and I didn’t learn anything in the past year. I just realized that I have a lot of powerful friends, but I am not willing to take the diploma of education. I have consulted the society’s recognition of adult education, but it is not high, but the self-study is high. Only some state-owned enterprises do not recognize it. I have also investigated their practice of studying at university. I understand that universities in Shanxi and Jiangsu can do this through educational loopholes because there are too many universities in these two places, but the students are too There are few schools, so many schools are dissatisfied with students. These two places have implemented the “registration enrollment” system, that is, those who do not pass the scores to the university can enroll in the university through enrollment, and the post-graduate diplomas are the same as those admitted to the university. Only colleges and universities can be enrolled in the school. However, this enrollment can only be enjoyed by local students, so the black-hearted merchants have found this opportunity to hang a student’s identity information in Jiangsu or Shanxi’s high school. After one year, you will be eligible to take the college entrance examination, participate in the local college entrance examination, and enjoy local registration. The academic system is different from Shanxi. Jiangsu universities require people to go to school, and Shanxi universities can read, so that students can enjoy the ease of reading in the local area. There is no need to worry about credits. I will continue to check this practice. The reliability, there are many people who have been deceived, there are also failures to go this way, and there are also successes, so this is a bit of luck. For such a rare opportunity, I really want to seize it, so I told my parents about this practice. My mother said that she is resolutely opposed, and I continue to search for success stories to brainwash her and hope she agrees with me, but until the end of the summer vacation, I still haven’t Can convince him. At the end of the summer vacation, my high school classmates were looking for a college with a score that was not enough to hope to pass the enrollment, but the miracle happened. After the third line, the minimum admission line for the university in Zhejiang Province was lowered. The score was just enough to fill in the volunteers, and eventually he entered the Shaoxing Vocational and Technical College. I, I have to listen to my parents returning to textiles. A few days before the end of the summer vacation, I started thinking about it again. Why can I go to college at the same table, and I can't. The next day, I removed my cheeks and told my mom to go to repeat. After my mother heard it, she refused. "You haven’t studied for a year. You still want to take the college entrance examination? Can your heart be closed?" I can, I want to study now, I can apply to the university if I can take it, "You give me a province. When we let you read, you don't read it. Now you have to die, you have to read it. Do you still qualify for the college entrance examination?" I didn't say anything on the floor. At this time, my mind was all my mother's bad words. After a few minutes, I calmed down and thought that if I want to repeat, I must first know whether I am qualified for the college entrance examination. When I turned on the computer, I first contacted the cousin who had re-read for a year. I didn’t get the news of the college entrance examination, but how hard it was to repeat, and the mobile phone didn’t have to play. I had to prepare for the college entrance examination all year, and so on. If I withdraw, but I want to know, I can only get a college entrance examination. He gave me the name of the school she re-read. It is a private repeat school. Then you can find the official website of the school and find the admission phone number of the school. Good, Hard work pays off, I successfully joined the teacher of the Admissions Office. I don't care about anything else. I just want to know if I can repeat it. The final answer is "Can!" I can take the college entrance examination because I have not become a teaching student. The identity of the previous students took the college entrance examination. The good news came too suddenly. I hung up and told me that I was excited to tell my parents about the news, but they still doubted my attitude so that I was worried that the year of repeating was wasted. So, I refused me again. If I give up, it is not me. The opportunity is to catch it by myself. I once again contacted the teacher of the political and religious department of my high school and asked me if I can repeat the exam. I have already answered the college entrance examination. His answer is also certain. This has strengthened me. The idea of the college entrance examination. At the end of the summer, go to school a few days in advance so that you don't have to ask your parents to report to the school. After I got off at the school, I went to the bedroom of my classmates at Ningbo University for two nights. On the third day, I didn't go to the school to report. Instead, I applied to the school for a school leave. The interesting thing is that I can't leave school without a student. Can drop out of school, drop out of school is not possible, must have a retreat, in case of not being able to return to continue to study, came to the Office of the Office of Academic Affairs, the teacher said that no student can only write a certificate to prove that they have read for a year, to When I came back, I started to study from the second year of high school, and let me copy two copies, one person, cover the school chapter, and then I will find the application form for the withdrawal of the teacher. Almost all the teachers have completed, only the difference The class teacher, and I am too lazy to get it. This application for withdrawal is not paid, which makes me a forced dropout. In my opinion, there is no difference between initiative and coercion. After I dropped out of school, I went to the South Music Company for an interview through a friend's understanding. The interview was very pleasant. 1,500 yuan, come to work in a few days. I got up at 6 o'clock, took the bus at 7 o'clock, and arrived at the company at 9 o'clock. The exaggerated bus time made me retire in less than a week. In the few days after work, I completed a mv and a disc packaging design. On Friday, I ushered in the company's internship for the first time. The weight of the shooting equipment made me more retreat, tired and tired. At the end of the day's shooting, I borrowed something from my family to take time off. The next day I did not go. After a few days and proposed resignation of the work, the first work ended. At the same time, a friend of my cousin wants to start a film and television company in Fenghua, an area where there is no film and television culture. I am very happy to join it. I have been working for one year. Every year, every weekend, I will have a textile classmate. I went to play together. I had to be alone for a year. Because they became full, they took the exam, miraculously changed all the previous E into D, obtained the qualification for enrollment in advance, and reported the enrollment of 5 universities. Two of the universities did not go into the competition because of the examination time. In the end, Hengdian planned to take admission and the textiles were accepted. In order to wait for the textile, I ventured to abandon the planned admission of Hengdian, and finally I was waiting for an empty space. Parents’ scolding, self-blame, and fear of the college entrance examination are all around their minds. However, what they can do now is only the college entrance examination. They are ready to start reviewing and buy a 200-yuan study book. In the end, I don’t see the time. More than a day, the content that was flipped was only a few pages. I can't save me if I can't hold my feet, I can only bite my head. Three days of college entrance examination, three days of exams, three exams met the same invigilator, she all met me, and later I met and smiled and said to me, "You are Ha", "haha really have a fate" I smile Answer, then entered the examination room. The college entrance examination is over, waiting for the long two-month score release, I successfully deviated from the three-line, but, like last year, I took a savory drop-off admission, my score is more than 40 points above the minimum score, and ultimately The volunteers who filled out the previous table to help me were admitted to Zhejiang Oriental Vocational and Technical College. Since then, I have become a legend in our community. Say goodbye to the previous work, entered the university, and finally enjoyed college life with a normal college student. In order to escape the 7-day military training, I went to a friend's hospital with a skin problem and got a "can't see the light" illness. In the past few days, the class teacher found me and learned that I have the ability of the video later, let me do a military training. Video, I refused to escape in the end. I made this video to prove that I am not a person who only brags. Since then, a senior said that I became a red man of the School of Information. At this point, the legendary story continues...

#student #life #bad #kid #universiy #real life #sad

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nccwa · 2 years

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融融《茉莉花酒吧》中的罪與罰、寬恕與救贖

【海外文轩】作者：杨秋生Original 一弘女士

海外文轩

2022-03-14 12:04

讀了融融的《茉莉花酒吧》，對於愛情瘋狂的執念，而讓情緒管理、人際關係、事業、生活，甚至友情與親情徹徹底底的失控，幾乎報銷了整個人生的故事唏噓不已。

一顆心一直被氣氛鋪排、跌宕起伏充滿張力的故事內容懸著，直到最後從信仰中得到救贖，寬恕了別人，也最終寬恕了自己的結局中自我解脫出來。

《茉莉花酒吧》是講一個亞裔記者湯姆，在歷經了美國大城市身心超過負荷的採訪生涯後決定辭職時，卻被老闆說服到偏遠小鎮報社擔當重任。故事從湯姆在同事記者約翰的帶領下進入《茉莉花酒吧》而發展開來。湯姆因採訪酒吧老闆余丹卉而身陷愛情。而報社另一記者原與報社老闆女兒艾瑪有一段情的凱文，也陷入余丹卉的美色中。而《茉莉花酒吧》實質上是余丹卉作為收容在美國輾轉流浪的中國女孩的一個「亞裔女性避難所」。這些流浪無身份的女孩多是在中國因為賣血而染上愛滋病的遺孤，在余丹卉的精心設計下，以該酒吧作為自己的雙胞胎妹妹小卉及這些受害家屬，向大血霸討回血債的復仇基地。

　　作者並未將這圍繞著報社幾位記者的愛情糾葛，加上謀命的復仇計畫的情節，寫成一個愛恨情仇的故事，而是從情節發展中讓讀者在中西（中國、美國）民族、文化、價值觀、道德觀的差異下，體會出她欲提出的道德與法律、罪與罰、寬恕與救贖的精采又讓人深思的故事。

罪與罰

　　湯姆在進入茉莉花酒吧之後，愛上余丹卉，得知她的雙胞胎妹妹小卉的先生石崗，因車禍輸血染上愛滋病，在不知情的情況下又傳給小卉。而利用這些「窮怕了」的無知又無辜的貧民百姓賣血中獲得巨大利益的吳老總，就成了余丹卉琢磨的復仇計劃的最終目標。余丹卉以自己的美貌、手腕、魅力為武器，欲勾引吳老總。得逞之後再利用長相一模一樣已染上愛滋病的雙胞胎妹妹小卉的肉身替代自己，讓吳老總感染愛滋病。

　　這樣的復仇方式，打著正義的名目，有著《水滸傳》與惡勢力鬥爭、敢於為民除害的好漢的味道，也有著如《罪與罰》中殺一救百所謂的正義。

　　讀者讀之痛快，但是打著為正義復仇的余丹卉，是為私己復仇？還是為公除害？她是滿心仇恨？還是滿心為正義而戰？在她內心裡，有過道德的掙紮嗎？

　　作者並未直接寫出丹卉是不是有道德與法律的掙紮，但是側寫余丹卉回中國料理石崗後事，瞭解到妹夫是因為輸血方法不當而感染愛滋病，且發現另有許多人同樣感染愛滋病，便多方向醫院和當地政府投訴，卻不單是不得要領，且受到公安人員威脅「如果再鬧，不能保證你的安全」。後來甚至有被監督之虞，且有兩次幾乎陷於被制置之於死地的驚險事件。即使她曾有道德動搖時刻，隨即便被現實推翻，也許因此而更義無反顧，復仇成為她唯一生存目的。

　　但是湯姆便不一樣了，「對於他們的報復方式，我一直心存保留。」「謀殺細節如果都讓我知道，恐怕吃安眠藥都睡不著。」湯姆對丹卉姊妹復仇方式，從一個挖掘真相的記者立場而言，基本上既違反法律，亦無道德，因此產生質疑，乃至一再追問，因為借刀殺人不止是不道德，也是違反法律，是有「罪」的。

　　但對丹卉一往情深的湯姆，在小卉瀕臨死亡，丹卉忽然不見時，知道「丹卉不會回來了。她活著就是為了給妹妹和妹夫報仇，給她的朋友報仇，給無緣無故死去的愛滋病人報仇……現在仇報了，妹妹要死了，她還回來幹什麼？我只是她生命中的過客……」湯姆意識到丹卉活著的目的除了報仇，已別無他念，雖顯得如此冷漠自私而殘酷。但是「我一想到她帶著頻臨死亡的妹妹在異國他鄉流浪，心如刀絞。其他艱難困苦不說，萬一被妹妹傳染上了，誰來照顧她？醫療報告說，愛滋病傳染率最高的是通過血液，高達百分之九十以上。咬破舌頭，劃破皮膚，摔跤跌倒都可能被傳染。丹卉啊丹卉，你何必這樣逞強？」湯姆對她們姊妹的遭遇同情不已，又表現出寬容的態度，湯姆一直在道德與法律、同情與質疑中掙紮與擺盪。

　　而讓小卉提出以自己身體為代價接近大血霸，以完成復仇目的，並真實實施以保全姊姊丹卉不受牽連時，丹卉痛苦地不能自已。而幫助姐妹倆兒的約翰，因深愛小卉也痛苦不堪，湯姆雖未牽扯其中，因情牽丹卉，內心正義與道德，道德與法律的拉鋸與譴責，在心靈、精神上飽受折磨，這四個人在這單一復仇事件裡，都受到相當程度的「罰」。

寬恕與救贖

　　西洋文學作品中，救贖，是一個非常重要的主題。

　　救贖是一種宗教情懷，以基督教立國的美國，早期作品霍桑的《紅字》，後來的福克納的《八月之光》，都透露出罪、恨與最終渴望救贖的主題。深受基督教信仰影響的俄國作家杜斯托也夫斯基的《罪與罰》，也是典型的探討人面對犯罪、內心深處的罪咎與最終需要救贖的渴望。

　　諸多作家對於人類總是愚昧無知，卻又自以為，以致因自身的罪而犯下過錯／罪這樣的人生課題深入探討。面對自身局限性的不滿、失望、受傷或甚絕望，充滿宗教情懷的救贖，便是彌補或者解救自己的以通向無限和永恆的途徑。

　　其實救贖細分可分為自我救贖，或者救贖別人，抑或是自我救贖也救贖別人。

　　《茉莉花酒吧》中凱文一角的心路歷程即是經過文學中獲得救贖的不變法則：罪→受難（受責罰）→懺悔改過→救贖重生。

　　凱文是個「引人注目，義大利後裔，長得很帥，大而黑的眼睛裡藏著淡淡的憂愁」的記者，「談吐舉止彬彬有禮，說話聲音圓潤動聽，很像電影明星。這麼溫文儒雅的男人長得一表人才」，原來在報社做得十分出色，和艾瑪為一對情侶，老闆原也有意提升他為社長。這個「應該是老闆新聞事業最合適的繼承人」的凱文，只因不想被婚姻束縛，不希望有孩子，在艾瑪有了孩子之後以消極的逃避心態，總是與艾瑪保持距離，周旋在眾多女子之間，「他的女人像走馬燈一樣不停地變換，雖然都是逢場作戲，但是，他從來不空手而歸。」

這個玩世不恭的花花公子，遇到了集外表清新美麗內裡城府極深的余丹卉，一頭栽進自己的迷魂色心裡，軟的不行，就硬上，即使打破「不發生肉體關係」的原則都可以，非達到佔有美人肉體不可。

　　余丹卉與小卉姊妹原本的復仇計畫的目標是大雪霸吳老總，丹卉勾引吳老總，小卉替代丹卉與他發生關係以便將愛滋病傳染給他。目標只有吳老總，所以立下不能與其他男性發生關係的最終原則。但是凱文色心大起，非佔有丹卉（實為小卉）不可，不可避免地佔有的是替身小卉的肉體，而致染上愛滋病。

　　得病之後的凱文「失蹤」，造成艾瑪自殺，進入精神病院。

　　而身染愛滋病的凱文，在生命的最後時刻，被教會一位派到醫院做義工的滿頭白髮老太太發現躺在急診室的床上發高燒，收留到自己家休養。而後凱文受洗，住在一家修道院裡。

　　報社欲報導關於愛滋病的新聞，約翰出面聯絡凱文，想報導凱文得愛滋病的故事。得愛滋病，對一個人而言，是多大的醜聞，人生似乎已走到最後絕境。但凱文願意接受採訪，沒有任何條件。

　　報紙刊出後，湯姆拿著報紙到醫院讀給艾瑪聽，凱文從「開始，我根本不相信。不就是得了感冒嗎？不就是發燒嗎？我一直很健康，很強壯，很快就會好的。醫生說我的血液呈HIV陽性，我說他們弄錯了。」，接著「坦誠地承認，我喜歡女人」。凱文坦承說是喜歡女人，實則是「更愛自己，我曾經為自己的過度荒淫而驕傲自豪。青春太短暫，生命太短暫，我怕旺盛的精力稍縱即逝，被浪費了。見到喜歡的女人，一個也不放過。」「我的妻子曾經用生命來愛我，我不滿足。她給我生了孩子，我還是不滿足。結果是什麼？我害了自己也害了我的全家，還傷害了很多無辜的女人……。我決定將私生活公開，一是為了公開道歉，二是想告訴大家，尤其是漂亮的姑娘，你們要學會保護自己。」「人有自由意志，有選擇的權力，但是，如果不加約束，代價是巨大的。發病以後，我曾經抱怨，喪氣，甚至心懷仇恨。我到今天都不清楚HIV來自何方。這些毒素讓我的健康��來越壞，迅速走下坡路。就在走投無路時，神向我伸出了援助的手，他對我說，孩子啊，我愛你。我以為是一場夢，醒來一看，我回到了一個陌生的大家庭，有了兄弟姐妹……」

　　這一大段報導，凱文將自己的心路歷程坦誠說出，完全符合了自我救贖的原則：自以為是、放縱自己以致讓自己走到絕境。在絕境時意識了自己的罪，在修道院裡因宗教的力量，得到上帝的寬恕，獲得心靈真正是自由與重生。即使生命有限，找到絕處逢生與永恆的意義。凱文一席話，滿是懺悔，並將愛轉為關懷世人。雖然至被採訪那天，都不清楚HIV來自何方的凱文，真誠希望「漂亮的姑娘，你們要學會保護自己。」表現出高潔的情懷。

　　艾瑪從醫院出來，去見凱文，當場決定留在修道院。

　　而湯姆卻因之前丹卉因窩藏非法移民、凱文在茉莉花酒吧被染上愛滋病而被移民局所查，乃至遠避他處，二年過去了，始終沒有丹卉的消息。湯姆聽聞員警，移民局，醫生……都在尋找尋找丹卉，在極度憂心焦慮丹卉的安危下，突然得了狂躁症，被送入醫院。

　　湯姆醒來之後，發現從修道院回來的艾瑪，完全顛覆了他印象中的「兇神惡煞」，「在教堂裡聲嘶力竭大喊大哭」的兇狠暴烈樣，變得和顏悅色、溫柔可愛，一點脾氣都沒有。艾瑪對湯姆訴說著凱文在臨死之前，尚不忘為湯姆祈禱「親愛的天父啊，我的兄弟湯姆，他是迷失的羔羊，正在尋求回家的道路。他的心裡失去了光明，求你點亮他。」，雖然凱文已死，但是認為凱文「很好」「在上帝那裡，沒有病痛，」。

　　而對於她自己，她也認為和凱文最後的相處，也讓從前的艾瑪死了，新的艾瑪又再從死裡復活。

　　艾瑪「不停地讚美上帝，感謝上帝用兒子耶穌的寶血來為人類贖罪。很多次，她說得哽哽咽咽，如泣如訴，說自己不配，罪惡深重。」艾瑪意識到從前對凱文情感上的糾結執念，在生命中不停地刺傷著自己和凱文。愛與恨長期拉鋸著，最終走到崩潰邊緣。因爲凱文，她終也受到上帝的感召，不但寬恕了凱文，也寬恕了自己，從枷鎖中解放出來。

　　凱文不止扮演著自我救贖的角色，也執行了救贖艾瑪的宗教情懷。而艾瑪在被凱文救贖之後，也扮演著救贖湯姆的角色。

　　湯姆深愛丹卉，回顧身心俱疲至崩潰邊緣的自己，意識到深陷其中不能自拔的情網，其實是一種心魔。「我深深愛著的女人是一個魔鬼嗎？魔鬼總是在晚上來，艾瑪不在的時候，她像影子一樣，隱藏在空氣裡。」「我們與命運搏鬥，甚至用生命去抵押，還是無路可走。凱文曾經想活出自己，活得多累啊。艾瑪，多麼暴躁倔強的性格，現在變得像綿羊一樣，一舉一動感動人心。」「心中的那個陰影和負擔，漸漸被禱告和喜悅吹走了。」。經過艾瑪的帶領，湯姆感受到了靈的感召，「突然感到自己有了靈魂的力量。當我閉上眼睛，開口禱告時，有一種溫暖從心裡升起，好像流浪的孩子找到了家，看到了父親慈愛和悲憐的眼神一樣；好像在長久的黑暗中，無路可走，看到了前方的一束亮光……」湯姆最終被艾瑪救贖了。

　　故事峰迴路轉，兩個原本互相排斥的人，此時互相包容接納，最後決定廝守相伴終身，故事圓滿落幕……

　　而小說中造成愛滋病傳染的大血霸吳老總，亦是在臨終前都弄不清自己是怎麼感染到愛滋病的？在他得知染上愛滋病之後，還不曾意識到自己的罪孽有多深重，猶大聲質疑「窮人的愛滋病是賣血染上的，我跟他們根本沒有接觸。」。但是講起「帶錢來美國開公司，促進兩國貿易，我容易嗎我？政府卻給我立了案，說我攜款逃跑。」，吳老總深刻感受到有家歸不得的痛苦，恨不得「我盼望有人開車撞我，讓我得到一些賠償。把我撞死了也行，讓我在中國的孩子得到一些補貼。說到這裡，他痛哭流涕。」

　　湯姆問他，「如果讓你重新活一次，你有什麼打算？」他想了想說，「不能貪心，孩子老婆，吃飽穿暖，開開心心就夠了。」吳大血霸至此，後悔是有的，卻沒有「懺悔」之意。聽了湯姆的建議，吳大血霸去看了醫生，但是他拿了免費的安眠藥之後，在一個沒有月光的晚上，把安眠藥全都吃了，再沒有醒來過。

　　欠了無數人命的吳老總，生命走到絕處，臨死之前是否曾有過懺悔？是否會覺得罪有應得？還是會意識到這是一種報應？

　　中國並非基督教立國，像吳老總這樣的人，作品中對他並無深入描繪罪咎、得到寬恕與救贖的心路歷程。夏志清先生曾說：「現代中國文學之膚淺，歸根究底說來，實由於其對『原罪』之說，或者闡釋罪惡的其他宗教論說，不感興趣，無意認識。」作者在描繪同樣感染愛滋病的凱文和吳老總，在生命與死亡的探索上是有所區分的。層次上也是以分支的小人物吳老總來襯托出主線人物凱文，在愛與背叛、背叛與救贖中，試圖通過面對死亡而超越死亡本身，來凸顯所謂生命的意義，讓漂泊無依的靈魂能夠得以安置，最終獲得生命的平和與最後的永生意義。

夏志清先生曾說：「現代中國文學之膚淺，歸根究底說來，實由於其對『原罪』之說，或者闡釋罪惡的其他宗教論說，不感興趣，無意認識。」

融融小說所以觸動人心，便是糾結在愛與恨、罪與罰，最後因寬恕而得到救贖的宗教情懷感動了讀者。

图片来自网络

作者简介：

杨秋生：河南南召人。台湾高雄师范大学国文研究所毕业，曾任教于大专院校。现居美国加州矽谷，为海外华文女作协创会会员，并曾任北加州作协会长。出版有儿童书，小说《折纸鹤的女孩》、《致女作家的十封信》、《生死恋》。小说曾改编为电视电影，并列于全国巡回文艺营书单。散文著有《心中有爱》、《相思也好》、《永不磨灭的爱》，曾获海外华文著述奖及首奖，曾譯有《神的名字》一書，為各大學宗教系參考書目。

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fenghuileng · 6 years

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彭麗媛：我和喜兒（萬字長文）

大陸直連看禁聞:https://git.io/jww

日前，中國音樂家協會機關刊物《人民音樂》於2018年4月號刊發了中國文聯副主席、中國音樂學院博士生導師彭麗媛教授撰寫的《我和喜兒》一文。據稱這是一篇前後醞釀了二十多年的長文。

我是個小女孩時，就與喜兒結了緣。那時，我家在山東省鄆城縣影劇院家屬院內，這也是鄆城縣劇團所在地。劇團的大人們練身段，吊嗓子，排練劇目，日復一日，日子平靜。我喜歡逢年過節，特別是春節，還有縣裡召開「兩會」。那些日子，劇院內外車水馬龍，聲腔繚繞，熱鬧非凡。熱鬧並非我所鐘意，高興的是一天有兩場大戲，如《穆桂英挂帥》《花木蘭》等。「文革」時期上演現代戲，如《白毛女》《沙家浜》《紅嫂》等。

第一次看《白毛女》演出時，我也就五六歲，山東梆子的移植版，由我母親李秀英主演。她時年二十五六歲，曾是地區遠近聞名的旦角，主演過《穆桂英挂帥》《花木蘭》等古裝戲。長輩們說她扮相好，特別棒，可那是我出生前的事了。一場場看下去，從喜兒盼過年，扎紅頭繩，到地主逼債，頂租到黃世仁家，再到逃往深山，變成白毛仙姑，報仇雪恨······印象最深的是白毛仙姑那一場，看到黃世仁供奉，我母親從兩米高的供台上，一個跟斗翻下來，追趕黃世仁，台下幼小的我被嚇得哇哇大哭起來。

兩個小時的演出，劇情跌宕起伏，情感大起大落，給我留下了深刻印象。同時，在我幼小的心靈中留下了許多解不開的謎團：為什麼頂租子？為什麼遭強暴？為什麼逃跑？為什麼頭髮變白等等。時變物遷，不可預知，命中注定這些謎團要以我自己的親身實踐來解答。小時候看母親演過的一齣戲，竟然為我20歲出頭時尋求答案埋下了伏筆，成為日後我演好喜兒的內驅力，也成為把自己的心與喜兒的心貼在一起進而感染觀眾的「第一階梯」。藝術的傳承方式有「家族傳承、師徒傳承、學堂傳承」，三種方式竟然奇特地凝結到我對喜兒角色的塑造中。「家族傳承」的深遠影響只是到了驀然回首藝術體驗的初始階梯，才領會其啟蒙意義。連自己也沒想到，冥冥之中，母親的藝術實踐，竟與我的未來之路交織得如此之深。

第一個亮相與第一聲詠唱

大部分人了解接觸喜兒，都是從《白毛女》中那首著名的主題歌《北風吹》開始的，我也不例外。在那首朗朗上口、婦孺皆知的旋律中，紅襖綠褲，扎了一根大辮子的農家少女形象油然浮現。起初，我對角色的認識很不充分，總以為把天真活潑的形象呈現出來就是喜兒了。其實《白毛女》中的喜兒是舊中國農村的喜兒，穿的是打著補丁的粗布褲襖，梳一根大辮子，連紅頭繩都沒有，用一根破布條扎著辮子，一年到頭吃糠咽菜，肚子都吃不飽。所以，表面上天真活潑，心裏面卻苦悶苦澀，這其中隱伏了另一個喜兒——��半場登場、面目全非的喜兒！只有通過前一個喜兒和後一個喜兒的強烈對比和戲劇張力，才能彰顯前者的單純美麗。

生活雖苦，依然擋不住生命初放的燦爛。爹爹因為租借了地主糧食，年關還不起賬，到外面以賣豆腐為生，名為掙錢，實為躲帳。按照舊時傳統，無論欠什麼債，到了年關都暫時擱下。所以，大年三十前一天，喜兒知道爹爹要回來了，到大嬸（大春哥的娘）家借了兩斤白面。這兩斤白面雖非黃金，但與生命相連。

「北風吹、雪花飄」，前奏一響，喜兒迎著風雪出場。初一亮相，光彩照人。這是喜兒在全劇中的第一個亮相，觀眾心目中的形象，定格於此。這個喜兒是不是他們心目中的形象？是不是可愛的喜兒、真實的喜兒？關鍵就在亮相。這個亮相是集農村女孩的喜悅、羞澀（剛在大嬸家見到了心上人——大春哥）、單純、樸實於一體的造型。對於這個亮相，我琢磨了許久，反覆把握，務求完美。

看過田華老師在電影《白毛女》中剪窗花的劇照，天真、美麗、純樸，一個純潔無暇、略含羞澀、真實的農村少女。第一個亮相，我以此為據。內心裝著一個活喜兒，定型就有了著落。我也以此定型第一幕的基調。

接下來的一系列動作就此展開。先看天上飄落的雪，一股大風吹來，本能地用手擋住風雪，臉往後扭；又看到斗里的白面（因為上世紀初的北方農村是用斗或白布盛面）。這麼金貴的白面，可不能被風吹走了，要是吹走，就包不成餃子了。趕緊用胳膊加手護住斗。喜兒來到自家門，把門打開、進門、關門，門被風吹開，再回頭關門······幾個動作，在間奏中完成。

「北風吹，雪花飄，年來到」一句，是喜兒看到村前村後、各家各戶張貼春聯、掛紅燈籠景象的感觸。手腳輕盈，表情靈動。「年來到」三字，旋律從上至下，斷連相間，透著欣喜。整部歌劇的第一首主題歌，在這一組動作之中完成，構成動作的是戲曲的程式化表演。

我雖生長於縣城機關家屬院，但每年寒暑假，父親總讓我到其老家——鄆城縣「大老人公社前彭庄」住上十多天。在老家過年，才知道農村生活不易。每年三十，我和堂哥、堂姐、堂弟們一起吃團圓餃子。因為家境窮，孩子多，大伯家總是用黑麵粉摻和白麵粉包餃子，餡兒是胡蘿蔔稍加幾粒羊肉沫。我不喜歡羊肉和胡蘿蔔味，餃子皮又厚又硬，難以下咽。所以，我常含著跑出來偷偷吐到樹底下，用腳扒拉上土，再餓也不吃。我把這種心情轉借到對喜兒的體會上。她竟然借了兩斤白麵包餃子，不管什麼餡，只要是白面的，一定好吃。這個心情，我一下子找到了。

這讓我體會到農村孩子的喜悅心情。不是漂亮衣服，更不是玩具，而是只有年根兒才能吃到的白麵餃子。兒時的鄉村生活，讓我找到了體驗喜兒感覺的途徑。

整部歌劇的核心旋律，乃至廣大觀眾認同《白毛女》的標誌性符號，是改編自民歌的風格明快的主題歌。《北風吹》被幾代藝術家闡釋過，不用說王昆、郭蘭英等老一代歌唱家，就是新中國成立後無數個移植版、普及版的喜兒，幾乎把這首千人琢磨、萬人打磨的主題歌挖掘到再也難辟新境的高度。然而，我還是渴望讓觀眾品到別樣之聲，因為這是我的青春之歌。「隨人作計終後人，自成一家始逼真」（黃庭堅語），能不能賦予一首耳熟能詳、有口皆碑的旋律以時代的脈動感，就是藝術家獨闢蹊徑、捕捉藝術之魂的關鍵。我務求做到字字真切，聲聲入耳，讓人「雖觀舊劇，如閱新篇」（李漁語）。

每次演出，「北風吹」一開口，全場寂然。一曲唱罷，觀眾往往報以熱烈掌聲。我知道，這是觀眾對喜兒的感情，也是對我所呈現的人物的認可，更是對我苦思冥想、潛心琢磨唱好主題歌的回報。

端詳喜兒與審視角色

喜兒是舊中國千千萬萬個受苦受難百姓中的一個，是滄海一粟，又是代表人物。塑造人物要有時代特徵，脫離時代就不能讓觀眾感受到生活於舊中國底層的女孩子的苦難，對階級壓迫也就不會有深切理解和真實觸動。藝術形象不脫離實際，才真實可信。我試圖從不同角度觀察這個角色。

楊白勞看喜兒是什麼感覺？老來得女，少小失母，楊白勞又當爹又當娘，一口水一口飯將喜兒拉扯大，疼愛如寶。放在地上怕丟了，含在口裡怕化了，捧在手裡方才安穩。在他眼裡，喜兒是任何東西也不能替換的心肝寶貝。

在大嬸（大春娘）及大春眼裡，喜兒是俊俏、聰明的好女孩，大嬸未來的兒媳婦，大春心中的好妻子。

在地主黃世仁和狗腿子穆仁智眼裡，喜兒不過是一個花樣年華的丫頭，可以用租子來頂替的廉價農家女孩，想要就必須得到，如同一個物件。

在觀眾眼裡，喜兒是活潑可愛、無憂無慮的花季少女，充滿青春美好和懵懂愛情。然而，她突遭命運轉折，從無奈無助，到被糟蹋蹂躪，繼而反抗出逃。

我從各個側面審視喜兒，挑選她每個階段最具特色、最活躍的因素，以此確定性格基調。基調是關鍵。關鍵確立了，並不等於表達清楚了，還要一層層揭示她的演變軌跡。關鍵像一顆杏子，仁是包在裡面的，外面需要音樂、表演、舞美等綜合元素配合，進行立體塑造。

我把喜兒的形象分成三個時段：一、少女、純真；二、絕望、求生；三、復仇的剛烈與希望中成長。

把三個時段歸於一個總體判斷，源於戲劇底本。三個喜兒，三改其顏。無論是少女純真的喜兒，絕望求生的喜兒，還是復仇剛烈的白毛女，都以歌劇的核心音樂基調為依託。也就是說，必須把三種形象依託於幾首最重要的唱段上。

第一個是少女階段。企盼幸福，渴望愛情，盼望「年來到」。表現主調是活潑。眼睛是發光明亮的，看東西是跳躍快速的，肢體語言是輕盈雀躍的，音樂語言是歡快流暢的。從「北風吹」的音樂進門，先快速把白面斗放在鍋台上，馬上轉身把門關上，門閂還沒有拴好，頭已經快速扭轉到白面上。一系列動作都集中於包好餃子、等待爹爹回來一起過年的單純目的上。

白麵餃子成為主要載體，也是推動喜兒行為的主要想像物。以此穿針引線，把一系列事件串聯在一起。爹爹回來要吃餃子，大嬸、大春哥要來吃餃子，大伯要來吃餃子。正在一家人將要團圓吃餃子之時，穆仁智打著燈籠追上門來逼租。拿喜兒頂租的陰謀出現，摧毀了餃子寓意的團圓，團圓寓意的年，年寓意的家。餃子沒吃上，楊白勞悲痛欲絕，趁著喜兒睡著的空檔，喝下了點豆腐的滷水，悲憤而死。所以，白麵餃子要從歌唱、眼睛、動作、語言上盡其所能，加以突出，讓觀眾時刻感受其多重寓意。

喜兒「哭爹爹」是第一個高潮。在這個轉折點上，爹爹死去，夢想破碎，觀眾情緒一下跌至谷底。

第二個階段是絕望、求生。喜兒被迫頂租子，到黃家當丫鬟。每天給黃母熬藥、捶背，稍打個盹就被黃母扎針、辱罵，受盡欺辱。惡毒的黃世仁不安好心，在燒香的白虎堂糟蹋了喜兒。

當喜兒掙脫黃世仁從屏風背後出來時，已不是觀眾之前認識的那個秀麗乾淨、眼睛發亮的喜兒，而是衣衫凌亂、頭髮蓬鬆、眼神渾濁不清、手拿麻繩準備上吊——絕望的喜兒。

《刀殺我斧砍我》是音樂的第二個高潮。音樂前奏，悲痛凄婉，如同柴科夫斯基第六交響樂《悲愴》那個短小動機，如同貝多芬第五交響樂《命運》的敲門聲。這是一個女孩子的命運掙扎，是哭訴、是覺醒、是無助、是絕望······雙腿沉重跪地，雙手拍打地面，內心憤懣，化為第一聲吶喊「天哪」！聲音由弱到強，張力由內到外，氣息拖得儘可能長些、再長些。控制聲音，釋放生命並保持恆定能量，把怨氣盡最大可能喊出來。對天說，對地說，對命運說，對觀眾說！

譜例1：《刀殺我斧砍我》

「刀殺我斧砍我，你不該這樣糟蹋我」這句是「曲首冠音」。音樂採用戲曲垛板。演唱者必須具備戲曲基本功，把幾個字，特別是「糟蹋我」三個字，用「噴口」噴出來，如此才能感染觀眾。我童年時演唱過山東梆子、河南豫劇，這些基本功派上了用場。採用演唱梆子的方法，把字咬住，用氣息推出，效果極佳，很有感染力。

接下來，要把悲憤一句句訴說出來。「自從我進了這黃家門，想不到今天啊」，兩句是無顏面世的哭訴。

大嬸進入，手拿包袱，悄悄勸喜兒：「一定要活命，等到大春哥（已參軍）回來替你報仇，快從後門逃出去。」

絕望激發本能。弱小生命面臨死亡威脅、尚存一線生機，也要抗爭。為大春哥而活，為父母而活，為報仇而活！逃出黃家才能活。

泥濘河塘旁，崎嶇山坡上，喜兒摔跟頭，在漆黑一片的夜色中逃亡······圓場、碎步，不能顛，既穩且勻，像一串珠子不斷線。戲曲演員練碎步，兩膝之間夾一條手絹不能掉下來，頭頂一碗水不能灑出來，方能過關。

猛摔在地，迅速爬起，展現對活的渴望與命運抗爭的堅強。右手指向前方，喊唱：「他們要殺我，他們要害我，我逃出虎口，我逃出狼窩。」「娘生我、爹養我，生我養我，我要活，我要活」，與白虎堂《刀殺我斧砍我》作回應。喜兒的抗爭，給觀眾留下抗擊命運的鼓舞。

喜兒從小河流水聲判斷方向，順河水奔向前方。生的慾望，逃的急切，前面無路、後有追兵的慌張，使她成為在黑暗中漫無目的、張皇無措的逃亡者。父親、大嬸、大伯、大春哥呵護中無憂無慮的少女，被殘酷命運一擊而醒。

喜兒命運的轉折，也是台下觀眾心理的轉折。演員要有能力通過手、眼、身、法、步，把觀眾帶入情境。戲劇性轉變需要表演者的深厚功力，把心情交待出來，而非僅僅順從劇情。此時的表演，既借鑒了斯坦尼斯拉夫斯基表演體系的要義，又繼承了中國戲劇的表演傳統。斯坦尼體系強調真實體驗，中國戲曲強調虛擬程式。故事是真，表演是虛；既有現實的真實體驗，又有藝術的虛擬空間。表情要真實，緊張急切；身段要虛擬，美麗舒張。這就是既要融入角色、又要保持距離的中國歌劇的特殊的表演方式。

音樂家走進喜兒的途徑

我體驗喜兒，也大致分為三個階段：音樂、舞蹈、電影。

第一步熟悉音樂。先從歌詞理解人物，初步定位。我能夠通過兒時農村過年的情境體會喜兒的喜悅，但對於還未成家的我，要體驗「白毛女」的感受（當時我22歲，在讀大學本科二年級），就要費一番周折了。這就要從書籍、報刊、錄音、電影中尋找。我聽了郭蘭英老師的實況錄音（因各種原因和技術限制，她一生演出了眾多歌劇，卻未能留下一部影像），從中尋找和感受喜兒。學習郭老師的歌唱風格，再轉化成自己的風格。

第二步從芭蕾舞劇《白毛女》中尋找感受。我們這代人沒看過原始版的歌劇《白毛女》，常看的是「文革」時期拍成電影的舞劇《白毛女》。我從「白毛仙姑」演員身上（上下場由兩人扮演）找到了對生的渴望的強烈表達。在充滿張力的舞蹈動作中，找到了掙脫枷鎖、奮起反抗的「內力」。特別是從服裝和肢體語言上，感受到女性之怒與女性之美的平衡，進而理解到「藝術源於生活又高於生活」的真諦。

第三步到電影故事片《白毛女》中找尋感覺。田華老師是故事主角的同代人，把從喜兒到白毛仙姑的轉變表現得淋漓盡致，如同真實再現。田華老師是河北人，故事也發生在河北境內。她從小生活貧困，後來參加革命，對人物的理解和表達貼近真實，影響了幾代人。

然而，電影人物要生活化才可信，舞台人物則因空間不同而需採用不同方式。電影拍攝於實景，如同生活再現，越自然逼真越令人信服。舞台則是虛擬場景，服裝、化妝、造型都不同。電影角色可以用不同場景的蒙太奇剪輯等後期製作塑造人物，兩個小時如同看一部中長篇小說。雖然歌劇也在兩個小時內完成，卻由歌唱、表演、台詞、舞蹈等元素合力完成。這就需要我自己尋找其他途徑，獲得進入角色的門禁卡。當我紮上喜兒的辮子，繫上紅頭繩，穿上打著補丁的衣服，不免對著鏡子尋找心中的喜兒，腦海里不斷閃現齣電影、舞劇、小說等各藝術品種中的喜兒。我必須找到自己心中的歌劇舞台上的喜兒！

我心中的喜兒是個什麼樣子？人物必須在三段劇情中塑造為三種形象：第一個是無憂無慮、渴望幸福、天真多於理性的少女；第二個是爹爹服毒自殺、如聞晴天霹靂，再到被糟蹋，內心絕望到逃亡求生的姑娘；第三個是不屈不撓與命運抗爭到底的白毛女。

我從音樂中揣摩喜兒的內心。《北風吹》的純真與質樸，《刀殺我斧砍我》的質問與覺悟，《恨是高山仇是海》的遽變與剛烈。音樂脈絡讓我捕捉到這個人物的性格伏線，獲得了情感基調。這就是歌劇《白毛女》之所以不同於芭蕾舞劇《白毛女》、不同於電影《白毛女》的地方，也是歌劇舞台上「長歌當哭」「托詩以怨」熠熠生輝的地方。我堅信，《北風吹》的力量傾城傾國，《恨是高山仇是海》的力量撼天動地，是千千萬萬觀眾理解、喜愛、定位喜兒的「魂」。

與其他藝術品種的對比，使我逐漸把握到歌劇喜兒角色的構成要素。三個階段的三種音樂基調，是歌劇舞台上的喜兒不同於其他藝術品種的關鍵。執此一脈，大勢可奪!觀摩琢磨，苦��砥礪，我清醒地感受到，一個具體的歌劇藝術中的喜兒，開始駐進我心，佔據心靈。這可能就是一個表演者探索人物並享受創作過程，準確定位的辛勞與快樂。

打動人心的另一半

喜兒的第三階段，是該劇之所以稱為《白毛女》的重頭戲。中場休息後，觀眾渴望見到另一個喜兒——白毛女。這是新起點，是軸心。造型變化，音樂基調，都與軸心一一呼應，渾然天成。下半場開幕，必須把觀眾的目光集中到白毛仙姑上來。她是喜兒，又不是原來的喜兒，是個曾是喜兒的白毛女。生活於深山老林，廟裡躲風避雨，偷吃鄉親給菩薩上供的瓜果充饑，致使沒有鹽吃的喜兒頭髮變白，衣服蛻霜。雖然衣衫襤褸，但她已經變成一個堅強的人，一個令千千萬萬觀眾難以置信又感動欽佩的人。所以，下半場第一個亮相不亞於開場第一場亮相，也要在視覺上給觀眾以再一次衝擊。

這一幕，除了《恨是高山仇是海》的十分鐘詠嘆調，再一個支持人物之魂的就是白色服裝和長發造型。斯坦尼斯拉夫斯基的體驗體系把舞台元素分為兩類，一類是內在的、心裡的、體驗的，一類是外在的、形體的、體現的。喜兒與白毛女的區別體現在兩套造型上：紅襖綠褲與黑色長辮，白衫襤褸與白色長發。

裝扮從外到內，唱腔從內到外，相互應和，牽人入戲。有了外在依託，再通過歌唱功力把主人翁的獨特造型及辛酸內心表現出來，使之成為有血有肉、有軀有魂的「白毛女」。

長達十分鐘的唱段《恨是高山仇是海》音樂體裁上屬於西方式的詠嘆調，但融合了一聞便知的戲曲板腔體元素。有散板，有垛板，更有歌唱性極強的「一道道彩虹」。作曲家的唱腔設計，需要演唱者至少具備兩三種以上的戲曲演唱經驗才行，沒有積澱，難於應付。表演者要熟悉河北梆子、河南梆子、山西梆子，還有曲藝和說唱藝術，如京腔大鼓、河南墜子等，更要有西洋唱法的氣息連貫，把胸腔共鳴、頭腔共鳴、鼻腔共鳴融為一體，才能完整詮釋這首核心唱段。

唱段與西洋歌劇詠嘆調有共同處，也有不同處。共同處在於人物從宣敘調到詠嘆調，有快有慢，自由抒發，不同處則是西洋詠嘆調大部分由三部曲式構成，A、B、A，每段有高潮、有高音，最後往往結束在一個高音上。中國歌劇唱段可能沒有最後高音，卻於每段中出現高音。開頭便是「曲首冠音」，一下子就到G，用以表現情緒的高度激憤。

風高月黑，白毛女到廟裡尋找供果，遇到前來敬拜白毛仙姑的黃世仁。當滿頭白髮、渾身素衣、怒目相視的白毛女出現於供桌，黃世仁、穆仁智，魂飛魄散，倉皇奔逃。喜兒追趕不及，卻聽到他們嘴裡喊的：「鬼、鬼、鬼」。理著銀髮，瞅著白衫，喜兒在月光下自忖，可不是，自己已在不知不覺中變成了「鬼」。與世隔絕，苦等苦熬，祈求老天爺睜眼：「我，我，我······渾身發了白······問天問地，為什麼把我逼成鬼？」

第二樂段是第一樂段的再現。喜兒堅定道：「好吧，我是鬼。我是屈死的鬼，我是冤死的鬼，我是不死的鬼！」

這是歌劇後半場分量最重的唱腔，作曲家成功地融合了中外兩種音樂元素，強化了戲劇衝突。詠嘆調加宣敘調，秦腔散板加道情滾板，唱念間插，歌中加戲，戲中有歌，「柔可盪魂，烈足開胸」。整場歌劇的主題「舊社會把人變成鬼，新社會把鬼變成人」，此時此刻在唱腔中盎然托出。無數次演唱這段唱腔，讓我明白，音樂的生命力絕非只是初聽時的那樣淺白，無盡的深度只待有心人不斷發掘。

捕捉時代感

我多次回憶年輕時看的電影《白毛女》（1985年還沒有DVD），再找來當年田華老師扮演的劇照，哪怕一點也不放過。對照曲譜，反覆聆聽郭蘭英老師1980年代演出《白毛女》劇時的錄音。我多麼渴望能親眼見到仰慕已久的郭蘭英老師，但她在「文革」中受迫害致使腰部重傷，當時舊傷發作，躺在醫院，無法到排練現場，所以只能聽郭老師的開盤帶實況錄音，從音樂中捕捉喜怒哀樂。對每首唱段，特別是重點唱段，精彩唱段，難度大的唱段，反覆聽，反覆唱。如開場《北風吹》和《哭爹爹》，第三幕《刀殺我斧砍我》《逃跑》唱段，下半場《恨是高山仇是海》，十遍、三十遍、八十遍、一百遍，直聽到磁帶破損為止。

聽錄音，模唱腔，接下來重新處理，融入自己的感覺，根據個人聲音特點和特長再創作。《白毛女》在新中國成立之初就已家喻戶曉，特別是以王昆、郭蘭英等老一輩藝術家為代表的演唱和表演早已深入人心，定型定式。如何在繼承和發揚基礎上提高與轉型，這是當時擺在我面前的最大難題。唐代書法家李邕說：「似我者俗，學我者死。」韓愈說：「能自樹立不因循」（《韓昌黎集·答劉正夫書》）。我要在傳承經典的基礎上，不動聲色地融進我在中國音樂學院學到的東西，力求呈現一個獨具時代風貌的喜兒。

歌劇的核心是音樂，是托舉喜兒、白毛女性格的靈魂，更是不同於其他藝術的根本。沒有音樂的呈現，歌劇的喜兒就不成立。所以，音樂是點石成金的關鍵。我年富力強，氣息充沛，音域寬廣，勤心實踐。生在戲麴院團環境中，從小會唱戲，童年的耳濡目染成為塑造角色的天賜條件。數年專業院校的系統學習，為我添翼，為我鼓帆，更有初生牛犢不畏虎的一腔熱情，所以在舞台上從沒有畏葸不前。

對人的第一印象來自外形。一進排演場，我便穿上那套衣服，打著補丁的破棉布衣褲，一雙舊黑布鞋，把頭髮梳成一根辮子。破舊衣服加上這根長辮子可以使我立刻找到感覺。白毛仙姑應該是個充滿野性、不畏野狼虎豹、不懼驚雷閃電、不怕狂風雨暴的人，與天地抗爭，練就了剛強性格的人，不怕死、心中抱著為父報仇充滿希望的人。穿上白色服裝，白色長發披到肩上，我就立刻找到了這種感覺。在舞台上，一定要尊重服裝、化妝呈現的造型，不能僅為自己漂亮。

外形是否美，取決於內心。沒有對人物內心的揣摩和認同，穿什麼服裝都不會讓觀眾接受。當我做到了這些，心裡確定，我就是喜兒、喜兒就是我，我就是白毛女、白毛女就是我了。如同斯坦尼斯拉夫斯基所說，演員的「第一自我」被擺脫了，我就是角色。與角色融為一體，從裡到外與表演人物相一致，是我作為一個歌劇表演者探索歌劇藝術境界的途徑之一。

通過他人的眼睛看自己

排練過程中，在喜兒形象的初次呈現上，總讓我覺得不盡如人意。在家中姊妹排行我是老大，家中諸事由我做主，苦活累活都是我干，因而形成了堅強的性格。剛剛出場的喜兒，卻是一個可愛而不能展示堅強外表的形象。我的性格自然表露出來，與喜兒應有的造型不相一致。對於這一點，同事們給我指了出來。他們告訴我，人們喜歡的喜兒，是個可愛、單純、柔弱、純樸的姑娘，特別是在爹爹死去、要去黃家頂租時，無望無奈，無援無助，可憐地望著大叔、大嬸、大春哥······所以我要調整自己，儘快把自己變成一個大家認同的喜兒。

「哭爹爹」也不能一直哭，否則會讓觀眾感到吵鬧。哭聲陣陣，不但不能感動人，還容易讓人煩。看到爹爹躺在雪地上身體僵硬，一個大快步向前，跪在地上，晴天霹靂般喊一聲「爹」，用北方人特有的長腔去喊，腔中帶悲、帶苦、帶驚、帶怨······這一跪一喊，一定要讓觀眾情不自禁地落淚。表演拿捏好度很關鍵，既不能欠缺，也不能過火。切忌演員台上淚如泉湧，觀眾台下無動於衷。為什麼？感情不能自制，只剩下自己在感動自己，沒能打動觀眾，白費功夫。一個合格的表演者，不但要善於把自己化為人物，還要善於建立人物與觀眾的聯繫。這樣觀眾才能真受感動。就是一句話：「要讓觀眾流淚而你不流淚」。若自己流淚觀眾不留淚，能是一個高素養的表演者嗎？

白虎堂一場，喜兒被黃世仁侮辱後，唱段雖短，但內涵豐富，若理解不透，一是情緒平平，絕望得不到渲染；二是演過火，戲過火就不是喜兒。唱到「娘生我，爹養我，生我養我為什麼？」悲憤傷痛，無奈無助，羞恥交織，形體上一邊對天說，一邊因悲傷而跪癱在地，雙手握拳捶打自己的腿，再而伸雙掌交換擊地，表達遭受蹂躪的無辜少女的慘痛。這一動作是我想到電影《地道戰》《苦菜花》中失去親人和兒女的女人們，坐地雙掌拍地表達憤怒的樣子而得到的啟發。

第一次綵排，我過於強調此點，張嘴朝天，雙眼緊閉，一直保持這種狀態。側幕旁，扮演穆仁智的導演之一、老藝術家方元老師看在眼裡。等台上下來，他告訴我：舞台上的女演員要呈現美感，無論高興還是悲傷，不要忘記這是升華的藝術，不僅僅是生活再現，否則就會跑偏，真實度減退。觀眾希望看到的是一個值得同情的喜兒，不是一個過火的怨婦······

一句善意提醒，如醍醐灌頂，金針度人，讓我懂得了過猶不及的含義。我很感激，也非常認同。舞台上的表演家如同在生活中做人，要掌握分寸、恰如其分，過了就如同「水滿則溢」。

我開始琢磨，收斂表情，以唱腔打動人。有的動作要誇張，如跪地時要猛，這一跪要能讓觀眾流出同情的淚水。但嘴不要誇張，眼睛裡閃現悲憤無助的光。如此調整，讓我與觀眾的距離拉近了，美感增加了。我體會到，表演者的投入不能過火，在充分表達內心的同時，要讓人感受藝術之美。當然，不溫不火太中性，既要有能力將劇情推向高潮，又要盡量表演適度不過火。

我感謝老藝術家和同行及觀眾給我的直接的意見指導。離開他們，如同魚兒離開了水。「勝我者我師之，類我者我友之。」①一樁樁幕後往事，滲透著老一代藝術家薪傳後人的溫暖。

豐滿人物就是豐滿我的藝術人生

藝術理論，論述了人物內心與表情之間的聯繫。一位表演者如果不能深刻體驗角色的內心世界，就不可能將角色應有的表情轉化為自己的表情。「他山之石」對於拓深我的表演空間起到了關鍵性作用，不僅激活了思考、獲得開闊的藝術視域，而且也深化了我的藝術觀。沒有哲思的引領，就無法理解藝術語境中特定人物表情背後的底蘊。這些理論循序漸進地指引我不斷發現藝術家的使命。

錢鍾書談到：「遙體人情，懸想事勢，設身局中，潛心腔內，忖心度之，以揣以摩，庶幾入情合理。蓋與小說、院本之臆造人物、虛構境地，不盡同而可相通。」②

舞台上喜兒的生命，內在於一個藝術原型的真實生命，也內在於我一個表演者的藝術使命，作為表演者，她的生命與我的生命連接起來，構成一段可以連接、可以感知的統一體。一幕幕戲劇，一段段音樂，如同一個個接點，讓我走近人物並把其活靈活現地展現於舞台。「變死音為活曲，化歌者為文人」（李漁語），舞台上，喜兒的表情就是我的表情，白毛女的聲音就是我的聲音。換句話說，我的表情就是喜兒的表情，我的聲音就是白毛女的聲音。因此，忠實再現表情，就是我的使命。

1985年，經過近半個月排練、合樂、綵排，終於在歌劇《白毛女》首演40周年之際，在北京天橋劇場上演全劇（20世紀80年代的天橋劇場是北京最優秀的劇場之一），後來又赴哈爾濱參加「哈爾濱之夏」音樂會演出，在北方劇場一演就是十幾場。在觀眾強烈要求下，經常還要加場。有時我下午演下半場，晚上演整場。

時任中國歌劇舞劇院院長、著名劇作家、詞作家喬羽先生曾對我說：「別人不信任你能挑起這個大梁，當時我就拍板說，小彭肯定行。現在你用實踐證明了我的判斷。我與原創賀敬之、陳紫等同志見面，他們也一致認為，你是《白毛女》誕生以來最好的喜兒之一，可以稱為第三代喜兒的代表。」

我感恩中國歌劇舞劇院和老一輩藝術家讓我與喜兒結緣，在我初出茅廬之際（1985年7月還不滿23歲）就擔任了這部歷史經典劇作的主角，這是何等的機緣和幸運！作為一名歌唱演員，一輩子能有機會出演歌劇是一種幸福，能出演一部經典歌劇更是一種榮幸，能出演一部經典歌劇中的主角更是幸中之幸！有哪個女演員能拒絕歌劇舞台上光彩奪目的喜兒角色？用我的聲音塑造、我的身法扮演我愛戴的喜兒，真是難得的享受。殊為不易的平台，給了我體驗歌劇藝術魅力的機會，也給了我總結中國歌劇表演藝術理論的機會。無數場舞台的實踐和體驗，使我漸漸悟出許多道理，也懂得了把握藝術形象必須強化理論學習的重要性。「看似尋常最奇崛，成如容易卻艱辛」（王安石《題張司業詩》）。

2015年，《白毛女》迎來首演70周年的日子，年輕一代的演員復排此劇。年輕人手拿IPAD翻看不同歷史時期、不同藝術家扮演喜兒的視頻，從不同角度汲取養分。這種方式是現代的、科技的、時尚的、便捷的，但我更希望他們從內心向經典致敬。懷著對人物、對藝術、對前輩的敬畏，踏踏實實走進喜兒的內心，給觀眾呈現一台在原有基礎上既來源於生活又高於生活，與現代觀眾沒有隔閡的精品。不讓觀眾失望，不讓師長失望，更不能讓歷史失望。

①[清]李漁《閑情偶寄》，參見中國戲曲研究院編《中國古典戲曲論著集成》（第七集），北京：中國戲劇出版社1959年版，第9頁。

②錢鍾書《管錐編》，北京：生活·讀書·新知三聯書店2008年版，第166 頁。

附言：本文根據作者1985年《白毛女》排練筆記整理，2015年初定稿，2016年、2017年再修改，發表時有增刪��

千禧代「段友」的政治出場與中國政治進步的希望

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原文鏈接：彭麗媛：我和喜兒（萬字長文） - 娛樂新聞

本文標籤：下半場, 中國, 中國音樂, 農村, 北風, 吃餃子, 命運, 國歌, 聲音, 女孩, 少女, 錄音, 彭麗媛, 性格, 戲劇, 戲曲, 文革, 服裝, 歌劇, 歌唱, 演出, 演員, 演唱, 生命, 電影, 白毛女, 眼睛, 經典, 絕望, 老師, 舞台, 藝術, 藝術品, 藝術家, 衣服, 表演, 觀眾, 角色, 造型, 音樂, 餃子, 高山, 黃世仁 from 中國禁聞網 » 娛樂新聞 https://ift.tt/2HrB16B via via Blogger https://ift.tt/2vsnSVQ

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2017總統教育獎獲獎學生優良事蹟系列報導之五～堅毅小鬥士逆境綻笑顏

總統教育獎獲獎學生，經初審委員審閱推薦書面資料與複審委員進行實地訪視，從285件推薦申請中，選拔出56名獲獎學生，他們面對生理障礙、經濟困頓的挑戰，勇敢積極，以堅毅的信心力爭上游、勤學奮發，突破肢體桎梏、物質枷鎖、心靈囚牢而努力生活，用隨順樂觀的人生態度面對逆境，發揮孝行友愛、體恤他人、服務奉獻等偉大情懷，是大專、高中職及國中小校園裡的模範。他們分別在語言德行、薪傳技藝、科學科技、資訊體育等領域創新研發，具有傑出才能，出類拔萃的風範。可以彰顯國家對學生優良��德及特殊才能的重視，更是激勵學子見賢思齊，激發向上學習的動力。

教育部持續以新聞稿宣揚獲獎學生之優異事蹟，系列報導楊蕙菱、蕭鈺隆、林曉珺、王育晨、王柄鈞、詹睿婷、潘昱瑄、楊韻妮等8名獲獎學生。

一、<人小志氣大>楊蕙菱(國立屏東大學)

走在路上，常會引來許多異樣眼光「這個人怎麼長這樣！」心裡都會非常難過，因為蕙菱罹患成骨發育不全症，從小就比同儕矮小，父母的支持鼓勵逐漸克服心理自卑，花費更多時間在學習上尋求生活信心。

她克服弱小肢體，從6、7歲開始學琴，發揮音樂天賦，每天苦練四至八小時將手撐大，忍受撕裂般疼痛，終於能彈和別人一樣的曲子，甚至比別人更好，直到五專畢業才轉讀大學音樂系，進入音樂正規學習課程，花三倍於人的時間練習，彈出屬於自己的風格，受到師長及外界的肯定。「蕙菱希望能開一場鋼琴獨奏會，站在舞臺上讓大家看到我的努力，藉此鼓勵和我一樣身心障礙者，傳達克服障礙，不畏懼、不在意別人的眼光，勇往直前地追逐自己的夢想。」她未來想成為音樂老師，教小朋友鋼琴，更想教導特殊的孩子，挖掘他們的天賦專長，讓他們更有自信。楊蕙菱曾獲得2011高雄市文化盃鋼琴高中組第一名、2009年勝利盃全國音樂大賽鋼琴青年F組第二名。

蕙菱長期忍受成骨發育不全症，身高只有119公分，但從小展現音樂天分，以其堅毅勇氣努力學習琴藝，參加各種比賽，屢獲佳績，又能樂觀助人，經常參加公益音樂會演出，協同校內外義務伴奏與合奏，服務社會，足堪表率。

二、<打造生命寬度的心療達人>蕭鈺隆(彰化縣私立達德高級商工職業學校)

鈺隆來自單親低收入家庭，媽媽因為繳不出房租，像游牧民族般經常搬家。5年前媽媽罹患乳癌，面臨經濟與健康雙重壓力，3年前檢查出罹患淋巴癌第三期的鈺隆也虛弱地說：要為媽媽抗癌。

沒化療的時間鈺隆天天上學，媽媽在菜市場賣紅薯維生，同學因為他化療掉髮不敢上學，而一起落髮相挺；老師們親自到家為他上課；學校師生為他募款，鼓勵他堅強學習。社會善款協助醫藥費源源不斷的暖流，讓他們母子更堅強地活下去。媽媽會煎紅薯，約定每年母親節前夕，要訂公益日，母子一起去弱勢機構煎紅薯請他們吃，來感謝社會的溫暖支持。鈺隆心療公益的服務理念，每每發現學校若有重度疾病學生，便會前去現身說法，鼓勵病友的求生意念，體恤安慰，同理釋懷。他學技俱優，經常獲得校長獎，更擔任汽修科技志工，隨著汽修科的社區服務下鄉去為民眾免費汽機車健檢服務。期望自己能從事社會服務工作，當一名社工師，努力考取社工師執照，給予社會弱勢角落溫暖。

鈺隆生於單親及低收入戶家庭，生活困頓，母子兩人又先後罹癌，承受莫大衝擊，但能以無比堅強的生命力面對艱鉅考驗。在校品學兼優，為感謝社會暖流關懷，以「心療公益」活動，現身鼓勵癌症病友，關懷獨居老人，並期望自己未來從事社會服務工作，給予社會弱勢角落溫暖，足為楷模。

三、<女孩向前衝>林曉珺(國立臺東大學附屬體育高級中學國中部)

曉珺是來自臺東阿美族的小孩，由媽媽獨力扶養長大，借住阿姨的房子，國小二年級時接觸柔道，抱著好奇心而萌生興趣啟發資賦，開啟柔道學習旅程。

國中投入專長訓練，假日多留校訓練，榮獲105年上半年柔道精英排名賽48公斤級第一名、2016香港亞柔聯青少年柔道錦標賽52公斤級第三名、2016澳門亞柔聯青少年柔道錦標賽52公斤級第二名、2016年亞洲青少年暨青少年柔道公開賽52公斤級第一名，除柔道外，也培養其他興趣技能，如學習美容美髮技藝課程、參加獨木舟與單車活動，和同學一起學習拍攝微電影，榮獲衛福部國民健康署2016無菸生活設計大賞創意短片銅獎，認真參與、用心多元學習。之前媽媽租用荖葉園遭尼伯特強颱侵襲，損失慘重，她拿出比賽獎金，修復荖葉園，協助家用。未來希望繼續就讀國立臺東大學附屬體育高級中學，保持競賽成績，目標參加亞運，期望成為警官，發揮柔道專長、維護治安，也能給媽媽和自己安定與幸福的生活。

曉珺在單親家庭長大，不為家境艱難所困，成熟懂事，藉由柔道運動轉化堅忍毅力，專心投入運動表現，常有佳績，對未來有堅定的方向，追逐夢想，希望未來以所學貢獻社會。謙和有禮，深獲師長和同儕肯定。

四、<打破終身無法行走的魔咒>王育晨(臺北市立桃源國民中學)

育晨出生4個月時，因腦膜炎導致腦性麻痺，經醫師診斷終身無法獨立行走需以輪椅代步，可能合併有肢體、智力及語言等障礙。1歲半前全身無力癱瘓在床，復健師長期按摩及拉筋，在2歲半時可以自己坐起，且駕馭螃蟹車，3歲半時在永明發展中心接受早療課程，爬行坐上行動板凳椅，開始腳力的訓練，6歲時可以藉著助行器單獨行走。

小學曾就讀普通班，持續接受復健，育晨堅毅不拔、品行端正又有禮貌，受到師生歡迎與鼓勵，被推選為市府模範生及禮儀楷模獎，並代表學校參加身心障礙學生運動競賽，贏得無數獎牌。個性樂觀、好勝的育晨，家人良善的支援，學校給予適切的訓練協助，他樂觀感恩並時時散播愉悅、積極的學習氣氛，儘管身心缺陷剝奪不少探索生命的機會，他卻勇敢地接受肢體殘酷試煉，努力學習，活出自我生命的價值。

11歲時，代步的娃娃車故障，他堅持要開始學走路，走出自己的身體限制。儘管復健帶來劇痛不適，他卻從不抗拒與掉淚，師長常見他扶住欄杆、滿身大汗，一步步地邁向自己的人生，他的毅力打破了腦神經醫師判定：「終身無法行走的魔咒，創下了醫學的奇蹟。」

育晨腦性麻痺，肢體、智力、語言能力受損，但仍克服各種困難，打破無法行走的魔咒，常保笑容，樂於助人，參與多項美術、體育活動，正向樂觀面對生命挑戰，毅力精神感動周遭許多人，堪稱生命鬥士。

五、<感恩的勇者>王柄鈞(臺中市立神圳國民中學)

柄鈞是個十分孝順的孩子，感念媽媽辛勞照顧，努力上進，體貼他人，獲得104年大臺中少年英雄獎。

他是肢障併視障的多重障礙學生，出生早產，因缺氧造成腦部細胞白質軟化，導致體弱多病，2歲前都是在醫院中度過。挨針、推拿、復健、治療再治療，是每天作息。媽媽劬勞養護，為了讓他體會行走、奔跑，帶他學習游泳與馬術。他體念媽媽的付出，更加堅定突破困難，綻放生命的光和熱。當同學在操場揮灑汗水時，他透過有聲書、電腦語音系統探索學習興趣。閱讀、書本是他的好友，關於食品營養資訊是他的興趣所在，一步步努力往這個目標走，希望能像幫助他的貴人們一樣，將他所知所學回饋給社會大眾。在求學路上，柄鈞孜孜不倦，勤學好問，下課自己推著輪椅向老師請益，雖然身體受到障礙限制，行動不便，但他的心卻沒有受到囚錮，總是笑臉迎人，樂觀進取。和班上同學的相處，柄鈞就像是他們的心靈導師，帶領同學看到不一樣的世界。

柄鈞是新住民子女，因早產缺氧導致腦細胞白質軟化，須靠輪椅代步，仍能正向堅強樂觀面對生命，在學習上展現熱誠，並能高度關懷社會議題，期許未來效法林杰樑醫師，為食安把關。懂得感恩與珍惜週遭一切並且影響他人，堪為同儕表率。

六、<懷著感恩的心，勇敢面對，快樂生活>詹睿婷(屏東縣獅子鄉內獅國民小學)

生長在排灣族的小部落，清寒的家庭。爸爸是殘障人士，媽媽是外籍配偶，沒有固定的工作。九歲那年，媽媽車禍雙腳癱瘓，爸爸因照顧勞累，陷入昏迷，孝順的睿婷體貼爸爸殘疾的身軀仍辛苦照顧癱瘓的媽媽，乖巧盡份做好自己的功課，放學回家，盡力協助做家事，期許自己努力讀書，才能改善家境，好照顧家人。她感謝上帝把爸爸留在身邊，讓她經歷生離死別的珍貴，學習到在課堂上書本沒有教過的人生知識，幫媽媽擦澡拍背、翻身換尿布，她受到社會上許多善心人士的幫忙，未來希望可以成為醫生，用知識去治病救人，幫忙貧困的人，就像當初別人幫助她一樣。

從小在窮困環境中長大，滋養睿婷積極進取、奮發向上的人生態度，是令人欽佩的生命戰士。一年級至四年級成績皆名列前茅，並具有領導能力，積極參與服務工作，擔任幹部，自動自發、虛心學習，與同儕之間的互動良好，友愛行為、孝行表現、乖巧孝順，珍愛生命樂觀進取，在逆境中勇敢迎接挑戰，熱情面對未來，力爭上游，彰顯了人性積極價值，足堪典範。

睿婷有原住民族的天生樂觀與熱情，亦有新住民刻苦耐勞的毅力，她在年幼時遭逢媽媽車禍重傷住院及爸爸重病手術住院的困境，卻能臨危不亂奔走兩醫院間擔負照顧雙親的重任。這種堅毅不撓及積極進取、奮發向上的人生態度，是全國學生學習之典範。

七、<石板屋縫的小草，唱首生命的歌>潘昱瑄(屏東縣三地門鄉青山國民小學)

昱瑄家庭背景複雜，其為非婚生子女，父不詳，媽媽離家少有聞問，自小由遠房親戚的姑婆扶養，生活困苦。在家孝順聽話，分擔家事，不讓家人擔心；其品行佳，待人和善，不與人爭，與同儕相處融洽，學習積極進取，對自我課業要求高，成績名列前茅；積極參與各項社團活動，田徑比賽、戲劇演出均有優異表現。昱瑄生活在困苦環境，不因此放棄自己，雖然不知父母去向，反而更努力奮發向上，像小草般堅韌生命力努力生活學習，面對未來，展現更積極樂觀的態度。

從小相依為命的姑婆，昱瑄一直以為是媽媽，漸漸長大後得知是姑婆，而久久回來的阿姨才是媽媽。姑婆養育她、帶她上教會，心靈上有寄託，昱瑄感謝照顧她的所有貴人，更加努力學習，希望將來能成為一名護士，回報曾經幫助過她的人，能幫助更多需要幫助的人，也能好好照顧她的媽媽，學習做一個有愛的人。

昱瑄是原住民，身世堪憐，自小由遠房親戚的姑婆撫養，但自立自強、乖巧懂事、善解人意，在體育、美術、戲劇、寫作、繪畫創作等多方面均有很好成績，足為逆境中成長的典範。

八、<希望天上的爸爸看到我們過得很好>楊韻妮(新北市板橋區信義國民小學)

韻妮的爸爸在她國小四年級時因癌症去世，媽媽是緬甸新住民尚未拿到身分證，於是她就晉升為家庭小戶長，身為長女的韻妮，她堅強自立，體諒文化相對弱勢的新住民媽媽，還要肩負照顧妹妹的責任，處境相當艱困。

韻妮不但順處逆境、克服沮喪，更積極面對挑戰、力爭上游地從谷底人生、學習低谷爬了上來，她忍住情緒，振作讀書，不讓媽媽擔心。韻妮感謝好朋友的陪伴安慰，老師噓寒問暖的關心，積極奮發認真讀書，主動參加各種活動和比賽，也協助老師指導功課落後的同學，她發現主動付出，不但讓她暫時忘記了爸爸離開的難過心情，也漸漸開朗、有自信，成績表現更好。她希望能獲得獎助學金幫媽媽減輕負擔，將來有個好工作可以照顧媽媽和妹妹。更希望有能力可以成為一名醫生，不讓其他人像自己一樣，因病失去親愛的爸爸。

韻妮失怙家貧，由緬甸新移民的媽媽獨立撫養，成熟懂事且堅毅樂觀，肩負照顧妹妹及支持媽媽的角色，是個多才多藝，又能感恩惜福的孩子，雖身處逆境但樂觀開朗，積極努力朝著自己的理想前進，足為全國學子之楷模。

#教育部

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fenghuileng · 6 years

Text

彭麗媛：我和喜兒（萬字長文）

大陸直連看禁聞:https://git.io/jww

我是個小女孩時，就與喜兒結了緣。那時，我家在山東省鄆城縣影劇院家屬院內，這也是鄆城縣劇團所在地。劇團的大人們練身段，吊嗓子，排練劇目，日復一日，日子平靜。我喜歡逢年過節，特別是春節，還有縣裡召開「兩會」。那些日子，劇院內外車水馬龍，聲腔繚繞，熱鬧非凡。熱鬧並非我所鐘意，高興的是一天有兩場大戲，如《穆��英挂帥》《花木蘭》等。「文革」時期上演現代戲，如《白毛女》《沙家浜》《紅嫂》等。

第一個亮相與第一聲詠唱

大部分人了解接觸喜兒，都是從《白毛女》中那首著名的主題歌《北風吹》開始的，我也不例外。在那首朗朗上口、婦孺皆知的旋律中，紅襖綠褲，扎了一根大辮子的農家少女形象油然浮現。起初，我對角色的認識很不充分，總以為把天真活潑的形象呈現出來就是喜兒了。其實《白毛女》中的喜兒是舊中國農村的喜兒，穿的是打著補丁的粗布褲襖，梳一根大辮子，連紅頭繩都沒有，用一根破布條扎著辮子，一年到頭吃糠咽菜，肚子都吃不飽。所以，表面上天真活潑，心裏面卻苦悶苦澀，這其中隱伏了另一個喜兒——下半場登場、面目全非的喜兒！只有通過前一個喜兒和後一個喜兒的強烈對比和戲劇張力，才能彰顯前者的單純美麗。

生活雖苦，依然擋不住生命初放的燦爛。爹爹因為租借了地主糧食，年關還不起賬，到外面以賣豆腐為生，名為掙錢，實為躲帳。按照舊時傳統，無論欠什麼債，到了年關都暫時擱下。所以，大年三十前一天，喜兒知道爹爹要回來了，到大嬸（大春哥的娘）家借了��斤白面。這兩斤白面雖非黃金，但與生命相連。

端詳喜兒與審視角色

在大嬸（大春娘）及大春眼裡，喜兒是俊俏、聰明的好女孩，大嬸未來的兒媳婦，大春心中的好妻子。

在地主黃世仁和狗腿子穆仁智眼裡，喜兒不過是一個花樣年華的丫頭，可以用租子來頂替的廉價農家女孩，想要就必須得到，如同一個物件。

我把喜兒的形象分成三個時段：一、少女、純真；二、絕望、求生；三、復仇的剛烈與希望中成長。

喜兒「哭爹爹」是第一個高潮。在這個轉折點上，爹爹死去，夢想破碎，觀眾情緒一下跌至谷底。

譜例1：《刀殺我斧砍我》

接下來，要把悲憤一句句訴說出來。「自從我進了這黃家門，想不到今天啊」，兩句是無顏面世的哭訴。

大嬸進入，手拿包袱，悄悄勸喜兒：「一定要活命，等到大春哥（已參軍）回來替你報仇，快從後門逃出去。」

絕望激發本能。弱小生命面臨死亡威脅、尚存一線生機，也要抗爭。為大春哥而活，為父母而活，為報仇而活！逃出黃家才能活。

音樂家走進喜兒的途徑

我體驗喜兒，也大致分為三個階段：音樂、舞蹈、電影。

與其他藝術品種的對比，使我逐漸把握到歌劇喜兒角色的構成要素。三個階段的三種音樂基調，是歌劇舞台上的喜兒不同於其他藝術品種的關鍵。執此一脈，大勢可奪!觀摩琢磨，苦思砥礪，我清醒地感受到，一個具體的歌劇藝術中的喜兒，開始駐進我心，佔據心靈。這可能就是一個表演者探索人物並享受創作過程，準確定位的辛勞與快樂。

打動人心的另一半

喜兒的第三階段，是該劇之所以稱為《白毛女》的重頭戲。中場休息後，觀眾渴望見到另一個喜兒——白毛女。這是新起點，是軸心。造型變化，音樂基調，都與軸心一一呼應，渾然天成。下半場開幕，必須把觀眾的目光集中到白毛仙姑上來。她是喜兒，又不是原來的喜兒，是個曾是喜兒的白毛女。生活於深山老林，廟裡躲風避雨，偷吃鄉親給菩薩上供的��果充饑，致使沒有鹽吃的喜兒頭髮變白，衣服蛻霜。雖然衣衫襤褸，但她已經變成一個堅強的人，一個令千千萬萬觀眾難以置信又感動欽佩的人。所以，下半場第一個亮相不亞於開場第一場亮相，也要在視覺上給觀眾以再一次衝擊。

第二樂段是第一樂段的再現。喜兒堅定道：「好吧，我是鬼。我是屈死的鬼，我是冤死的鬼，我是不死的鬼！」

捕捉時代感

通過他人的眼睛看自己

豐滿人物就是豐滿我的藝術人生

我感恩中國歌劇舞劇院和老一輩藝術家讓我與喜兒結緣，在我初出茅廬之際（1985年7月還不滿23歲）就擔任了這部歷史經典劇作的主角，這是何等的機緣和幸運！作為一名歌唱演員，一輩子能有機會出演歌劇是一種幸福，能出演一部經典歌劇更是一種榮幸，能出演一部經典歌劇中的主角更是幸中之幸！有哪個女演員能拒絕歌劇舞台上光彩奪目的喜兒角色？用我的聲音塑造、我的身法扮演我愛戴的喜兒，真是難得的��受。殊為不易的平台，給了我體驗歌劇藝術魅力的機會，也給了我總結中國歌劇表演藝術理論的機會。無數場舞台的實踐和體驗，使我漸漸悟出許多道理，也懂得了把握藝術形象必須強化理論學習的重要性。「看似尋常最奇崛，成如容易卻艱辛」（王安石《題張司業詩》）。

①[清]李漁《閑情偶寄》，參見中國戲曲研究院編《中國古典戲曲論著集成》（第七集），北京：中國戲劇出版社1959年��，第9頁。

②錢鍾書《管錐編》，北京：生活·讀書·新知三聯書店2008年版，第166 頁。

附言：本文根據作者1985年《白毛女》排練筆記整理，2015年初定稿，2016年、2017年再修改，發表時有增刪。

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原文鏈接：彭麗媛：我和喜兒（萬字長文） - 娛樂新聞

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