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yuukei-yikes · 1 year

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Ok after your whole “shintaro misogyny” “shinaya?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??????!,!,?,?,?,?,?,,,” rant (loved btw, Jin stop making ur female characters rely on male counterparts, stop making your male characters hate women or believe they are incapable challenge), how do you feel about Kanoshin. I know you have talked about it before but like, idk, talk about it again lol.

Kano “I can fix him” Shuuya? Or Kano “I can make him worse” Shuuya.

JQKEOEKDWODIEID MY WHOLE "SHINTARO MISOGYNY" AND "SHINAYA?!?!?!?!?" thats so funny i didnt MEAN for it to be a rant. i was just venting 💔 BUT THANK U FOR LOVING IT BC I FUCKING LOVE TALKING ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY BOTTLED UP FEELINGS.

man. kanoshin. i dont think they're an i can fix him or i can make him worse duo. i dont think they are together FOR each other, they're together for their personal gratification if that makes sense??? at least that's how it starts. like they rly feed off of each other's worst coping mechanisms and validate themselves thru that. but through doing this obviously cant help to get to know each other and shintaro is pathetically laughing at kano's jokes and kano is pathetically kicking his feet and twirling his hair at shintaro groaning pathetically on the ground abt god knows what (NEVER forget this novel 7 moment)

also its so funny how often in the novels shintaro just physically throws himself on the ground to start moaning and groaning whenever he gets embarrassed. he's such a fucking freak. like who the fuck does that

shintaro and kano in the seventh novel are so insanely gay it's SO fucking good. THE BIT WHERE SHINTARO SMILES AT KANO AND KANO'S LIKE HUH...THAT'S HOW HE USED TO SMILE AT AYANO... HE ALWAYS HAD THIS SPECIAL SMILE FOR HER, AND NOW HE'S SMILING JUST LIKE THAT TO ME... like GIRLLLL *EXPLODES THEM WITH MY MIND* there is seriously no heterosexual explanation for any of that. god the seventh novel is so so so good. all of them are so good i wonder why it's the least consumed kagepro media they're SUPERIOR. the novels my #1 forever i fucking love them.

anyways. im normal erm kanoshin hehehehehehehhehe i think they're both far too terrified and disgusted abt their feelings for each other to consider stuff like "i can fix him" or "i can make him worse" YOU GET WHAT IM SAYING??? on this subject specifically, shintaros self hatred comes from well everything bitch hates himself but if we're talking abt kanoshin. 1. its ayanos brother. even if we dont even look at shinaya ever being romantically involved in the first place, THIS IS WEIRD TO HIM. 2. internalized homophobia arc☝️☝️☝️🙏🙏🙏👍👍👍👍💯💯💯

the fic i drew fanart of a couple days ago is SO *EATS IT EATS IT EATS IT* or also a soulmate au that i havent read in aaaages and also never finished but in that one shintaro was already out as bi... sadly both are aus WHICH DOESNT make them bad, aus are awesome but the things I'd do for content like that set post str. please. *bite bite bite bite bite* srry i bring these fics up cuz hehehe internalized homophobia shintaro is so good

maybe kano would eventually set for i can make him worse but it's in an attempt of scaring shintaro away. he's like im gonna self sabotage so much to make sure he stays away from me but shintaro is STILL here looking pathetic and kano's like god DAMMIT. erm. yeah.

btw now for me being crazy (tw me using shintaro as a stress toy to make me laugh): i think post str shintaro is not AS BAD with being absolutely fucking insufferable abt his whole guys rule girls drool thing because my man's had a little time to grow (ignores shinaya chapter in the eighth novel so i don't go insane with anger). i think post str shintaro makes 1 sexist comment and the entire mekakushi dan just fucking freeze for a moment. and give him an intervention and force him to say im sorry women and ever since then is more mindful of his actions. sorry i have to be delusional and believe this or else I'd just fucking hate his ass. im sorry shinaya i love you but *burns novel 8 shinaya chapter*

shintaro's messy relationships post str is my favorite stress toy btw. relationship with ayano crumbles. starts WHATEVER THAT IS with kano. in the self hatred confusion and internalized homophobia and etc the situation causes him (situation being gf dumped me bc im selfish so i hate myself / i kissed a boy a couple times so i hate myself) he desperately turns to the next closest Female(?) Counterpart with the following thought process "Pfff well i am so straight and SO capable of holding a normal relationship and i can PROVE IT there is one person who is 1. girl enough 2. apparently okay with me being a selfish asshole and consuming all their energy with my bullshit". so the solution is obvious to shintaro. just date takane.

turns out hitting on your best friend who also happens to be ur other best friend's gf is not good for either one of these relationships. so his friendship with not only takane but also haruka crumbles too in response and its so awkward. takane bc 1. i dont feel this way abt you and I'd treat the situation sensibly if i didnt know you well enough to know you dont actually like me that way and ur just taking me for granted like youve been doing all this time which WAS pissing me off and on its way to eventually explode but THIS....??? and haruka 2. YOU JUST HIT ON MY GIRLFRIEND?? (shintaro would be like maaan why did you tell haruka. and harutaka are like *slam door on his face*) situation drives shintaro to possibly end up kissing kano again. 🤨

its so hilarious. to me at least. ITS FINE he will get over it and makeup with everyone but i like making him suffer 👍 this is what you get shintaro. What do you have to say to the women in the world. apologize. say im sorry women. say it. say it and I'll leave you alone. sorry i went a little crazy in the end

#ask tag #headcanons #sorry. shintaro in agony bc ayano dumps him and in agony bc he likes kano desperately hitting on takane is A HILARIOUS CONCEPT #ayashin divorce

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality.

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person.

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !!

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

#long post//#i would like one free ticket to pop off please. thank you #can i cash it in immediately if you dont mind

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vincent-frankenstein · 5 years

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different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half.

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day.

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too.

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep.

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

#me: /spends a full half-hour infodumping abt something most people havent even heard of/#now if only i could remember this much when it comes to schoolwork lmaooooo #ty for the Infodump Permission im !! vibin rn #lowkey highkey this makes me wanna get back into it. . . might do a wbtb tonight...#personal #logan talks #lucid dreaming #Anonymous

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

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in case anyone cares

people who followed me winter ‘17-’18 may or may not recall that i had a rly bad falling out w my best friend, to the point where i seriously thought it’d be the death knell for that entire relationship. since i’m incapable of dealing w any kind of stress, my drinking, binge eating, and drug use rly spiraled out of control in that time. it’s also the time i got a lot closer to ev. definitely not a coincidence.

usually in this time period, i would start drinking somewhere as early as i could, and then go back to ev’s and we would kill fifths and order food and i had the disposable income to swing it bc i was still living at home etc. timing permissive, i usually would start at the brewery that i still frequent a lot, and around the time this all happened, a new bartender started there. it was always pretty dead at that time in the afternoons and i would chat w him pretty often and i kinda started looking forward to that more than the drinking? i dnt think i was crushing on him rly. i definitely recall a few stray thoughts after more than a few beers like “if only he was single” bc he mentioned a girlfriend on a few occasions, but i kind of chalked it up to the isolation speaking. but it was nice, yknow. made me feel a lot less alone. by the time i’d buried the hatchet w my best friend 3 months later, and i’d gone there w them, he was gone.

and you know how it is w bartenders, they stop working at a place you’re at a lot, and for all intents and purposes they disappear into the void. and i honestly kind of missed him lol. fast forward 6 months, i’m at a restaurant w my mom and sitting at the bar, and the bartender looks familiar, and he asks me if we know each other from somewhere, and i think a little, and i’m like “justin?” and lo and behold, it’s him. we catch up, it’s nice, i’m happy. i run into him there a few more times w my mom, and eventually he adds me on fb and asks me on a date. i’m rly kind of hostile and conflicted abt the idea at first, but i rationalize, hey, i’ve always rly enjoyed talking to him, he’s sweet, he’s older than i thought he was but i dnt think that matters too much. so i agree, but we both work a lot and weird hours so scheduling has been sort of like pulling teeth. so he sends me periodic msges like “i havent forgotten abt this im jst overwhelmed w my job rn” and i honestly dnt rly mind bc i’ve never actually been on a date before so it’s all very intimidating to me, and im also stressed from work a lot so it’s kind of a relief that we are on the same page abt that.

so friday night, kinda late, ev calls me while he’s on a date at justin’s job ranting abt how one of the bartenders put a lime in his drink which he’s allergic to and he asks me “which one is the manager you talk to?” and i describe him while begging ev not to make a scene bc he is notoriously a customer service terrorist and he’s like “oh. i need to talk to you abt something when i get home” and i was prying him for more details but he was jst like “you aren’t going to like it” and hung up. so i start stress drinking and i’m like barely coherent on the couch when ev and josh (guy he was seeing) come back to the apt. and ev describes the hell he raised at the restaurant and i get pissed at him bc i specifically told him not to do that bc he knows we are roommates and it reflects very poorly on me. and he’s like “it dznt matter. you know he’s gay, right?” and i’m kind of like Oh God, Can We Not Do This bc he’s one of those ppl who think his ~gaydar~ is real and impeccable and i’m kind of barking at him abt this when josh interrupts me and tells me that they overheard him talking to his coworkers abt bringing a boyfriend over to thanksgiving and how said bf got rly drunk and made a huge ass out of himself. and at no point in this discussion did he say anything to indicate that this was an ex, which is rly the part that i’ve been hung up on.

like i obviously dnt care if he’s bisexual, and i’d frankly be more comfortable dating a bisexual man than i would a straight one bc i feel like they’d be less likely to weird and fetish-y abt the whole thing like my ex was. but like it’s troubling to think that he might be w someone else. like i guess it’s hypocritical for me to feel this way, but w brewery guy, like there weren’t any secrets there. i knew it was what it was from the getgo. this time, provided this wasn’t jst a misunderstanding, it’s being hidden. at least brewery guy is honest.

i’ve been running thru it over and over in my head, and honestly it would clarify a lot, esp where his unavailability is concerned. if you’re having to balance this w not only work, but having to sneak behind a partner’s back, you’re going to be pressed for time yknow? but on the opposite side of the coin, thanksgiving was a while ago at this point, and “getting too drunk and being a dick in front of your boyfriend’s family” seems like the kind of fight that has the power to severely fuck up if not end a relationship. and like it’s been 9 odd months since we ran back into one another, so him seeing someone then and being single now could attest for the timing of this whole thing? i dnt know. like i’m very confused and hurt and i rly dnt know what to make of it all. haha. life.

#blog #it's fine it's fine it's fine #god's in his heaven

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conflictedrabbit · 7 years

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the funniest part of avpd though??? is that everything you do is so fucking selfish like even the way you hurt yourself is selfish. you don't want responsibility because you're selfish. you keep hiding away because you're selfish. you want people to love you when you havent done a DAMNED thing to deserve it cuz ur selfish more funny, you hurt yourself in ways that also drag other ppl into it (bc they have to care for you) because you're selfish. why dont you do self harm that's more healthy, well because i dont like it and you see i must mope in this one way but thanks it's true all the moping reminds me that im being selfish in my moping you know like when asuka kicks shinji around and can't STAND how he has to broadcast every fucking emotion and make it other ppl's problems well the joke is that he has avpd and asuka's right cuz ppl are more amenable bc he seems like he cant take care of himself also like. avpd is also by definition the one that cares the most about not being a burden on other ppl but they're so incapable that it becomes entirely selfish. it's not really for the other people it's just so you can breathe easier knowing you're not INFECTING everyone with your goddamn existence u know it's like. whew. i dont have to feel responsible over something no one told me to feel responsible about out loud (but i can see it every time they shut me down or find me annoying) "why do you have to sulk like that?! stop being so silent! stop saying you're fine when you're not!!" uhmmm sorry?? damn even feeling bad abt myself makes other ppl unhappy kek selfish again anyway the #1 goal in my life is to stop being a burden on ppl but it's obviously selfish. i dont care what people in my life actually think or believe in. resent me once, resent me forever because i can't change and i make the same mistakes forever so for the sake of all of us i gotta cut the loop. i'd apologize but people get mad when you keep saying sorry because they take it as you being repetitive and not believing them. so much so that you realize that the apology wasnt for them, it was trying to reassure yourself? even when you didnt cause the situation it doesnt matter because you believe you did cuz u think the whole damned world revolves around you sometimes?? do you think everyone really pays attention to you when you walk around? holy shit thats some self-centered thinking in the form of anxiety my friend well have i got news for you no one cares and you think they care and you want them to care but cognitively realize that it's far better if no one truly cared. anyway. say thank you though you dont mean it and then shut all your self centered sorries back down into your lungs because it doesnt help anyone and tbh it's just another facet of how tainting you are? except how selfish to think you could taint people?

#1-#2-#3-#4-#5-#avpd #a bloo bloo bloob #avpd is worthless???#the logic doesnt even make sense it goes in circles #till u realize that you can be free if you cut yourself loose #by either dying or periodically resetting #anyway thats why im prolly gonna try to move to another state

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