#(the hare; i run fastest when it's away from my problems)

[ask-rwby-multishipper]

Dare-Ruby, Neon, Harriet and any that want to join, in a naked 3 lap race around Beacon. No fighting No cheating Otherwise anything goes winner gets their clothes back and the others clothes losers have to WALK back to their dorm. Second place can get their underwear Third-place gets just either there bra or panties Everyone else gets nothing 😎😎😎😎😎 Have fun😎😎😎😎😎

Harriet, eyes narrowing dramatically: At last, a chance to prove I am the fastest.

Elm: You have to do it naked though.

Harriet: A small price to pay to prove that I am the fastest.

Elm: Okay.

Harriet: The fastest....

Neon: I have to do more streaking?

Ruby, facepalming: Oh gods....Well at least when I use my Semblance I just burst into petals, no one will be able to see me naked.

Weiss: Who else would even want to join this race?

Yang: I’ll join.

Weiss: What....

Yang: Sure, why not?

Harriet: No offense, Yang, but you don’t seem like the fastest runner.

Neon: Even if you were, the three of us have speedy Semblances. You’d never outrun us.

Yang: Who said anything about running?

Harriet: Huh?

Yang: The dare just says a three lap race around Beacon. It doesn’t say it has to be a foot race. And I just happen to have a motorcycle.

Neon: Uhh.

Ruby: She’s got a point.

Harriet: Oh hell no. You are not going to ride a motorcycle naked and upstage me in my moment of triumph.

Blake: But she could!

Neon: I hate to say it, but I agree with Ruby. There’s nothing that says vehicles aren’t allowed.

Harriet, scoffing: Fine, no matter. I can outrun anything.

Yang, scoffing right back: Even a motorcycle going full speed? You’re bound to run out of gas before ol’ Bumblebee does.

Harriet: Oh yeah?! Well I’ll show you! Let’s do this right now! *starts taking off her clothes*

Elm: Uhh, wouldn’t it be wiser to wait to do this at night? Since it’s, like, outdoors, in public?

Harriet, almost about to take off her bra: I...guess that would be a better idea.

Ilia, gritting her teeth: So close....

Yang: Sounds like a plan. Let’s meet up at the Beacon courtyard, at midnight. We’ll see who the fastest really is.

Harriet: Oh, we certainly will.

Midnight....

Nora: Alright! I want a good clean race! Remember the rules! If there’s any fighting or cheating you’ll be immediately disqualified, and I’ll hit you with my hammer!

Pyrrha: That was never part of the rules.

Nora: I’ll do it anyway! Ready girls?

Neon, naked and trying to cover herself: I’ve been ready for a while now, what’s taking so long?

Harriet, just now taking her clothes off: That’s what you get for showing up early, but you’re gonna be late to the finish line.

Yang, sitting on her motorcycle, naked: That’s if you don’t run outta gas, bunny rabbit. *glances at the adoring crowd of girls to her right* ‘Sup. *winks*

Ilia: Hot naked girl on a bike hhnggrrrrnnn... *faints*

Blake, staring intensely: I’m gonna burn this image into my brain.

Emerald: So hot....wait, Weiss?

Weiss: Huh?

Emerald: Your nose is bleeding.

Weiss: What?

Emerald: You have a nosebleed.

Weiss: The fu—I have an aroused anime nosebleed?!

Emerald: I was just calling it a “nosebleed,” but you’re probably right.

Ruby, also naked, standing off to the side, covering herself: Well, I guess the perks of having a hot sister is that she distracts everyone so they don’t look at me.

Penny: Oh Ruby, you must be terribly embarrassed.

Ruby: I’ll be fine, Penny. It’s just....really awkward, but it’s all just a game, and....it’s kinda thrilling in a way?

Ciel: It is?

Ruby: Thrilling, in like a terrifying way. But I’m cool, it’s all good.

Penny: Well if it is any consolation, you look very cute.

Ruby, blushing: Thanks, I guess that does make me feel a little better.

Ciel, grinning mischievously: Especially your butt. Your butt’s really cute.

Ruby: Quit looking at my butt!

Ciel: *sticks her tongue out at her* Just messing with you.

Ruby: Meh!

Nora: Is everyone ready?

Harriet, now naked, a deathly focused glare in her eyes: I’ve always been ready.

Neon, very intimidated standing next to her: Ready, I guess?

Yang: Ready to go. Oh, wait. *turns Bumblebee’s ignition and revs the engine* Oh yeah, now I’m ready.

Blake: This is my entire sexuality.

Ruby: Uh, I’m ready, too.

Nora: Alright! Three laps around Beacon, and the finish line is right here! *raises her hand* Get ready! Get set! And.... *throws her hand down* GO!

Harriet, Neon, Yang, Ruby: *ZOOM*

Ilia, waking up from the loud noises: Wha?!

Blake: You misses it.

Ilia: Missed what?

Blake: All of it.

Ilia: Ugh....wait, why does Weiss have a nosebleed?

Weiss, stuffing cotton up her nose: I’m working on it!

Emerald: Okay wait. Aren’t nosebleeds caused by high blood pressure?

Blake: I think so.

Emerald: And fainting is caused by low blood pressure.

Blake: Yeah.

Emerald, gesturing to Weiss and Ilia: How’s that for a lesbian spectrum?

Ilia: Hell yeah, we out here getting winded after climbing stairs.

Weiss: I’m pretty sure I just have allergies.

Blake: Sure you do, Weiss.

Weiss: I do!

Harriet: *ZOOM*

Nora: Harriet is in the lead!

Blake: Wow, I figured Yang would be winning.

Emerald: Speaking of....

Yang: *VROOM*

Ruby: *PEW*

Neon: *NYAN*

Nora: And Yang, Ruby and Neon are neck-and-neck-and-neck for second!

Weiss: I guess Harriet really is the fastest.

Elm, standing behind her, sighing: Just wait.

Weiss: Huh?

One minute later....

Harriet: *slightly slower ZOOM*

Yang, Neon and Ruby: *following closely behind*

Blake: Is Hare getting slower?

Elm: I’m pretty sure a lap around Beacon is a few kilometers. She’s gonna run out of Aura pretty soon.

Weiss: Won’t Ruby and Neon run out as well?

Blake: Oh don’t tell me Yang is going to win on her bike.

Half a lap remaining....

Ruby, trying her best to keep up with Yang and Neon: Gotta....maintain...Aura levels....dang it! *stumbles and comes to a halt, allowing the others to overtake her and speed off* I’m so exhausted.... *puts her hands on her knees and takes some deep breaths* No....I can do this....if I push myself to my limit, I can blow them all away. I just need to.... *activates what’s left of her Aura* Focus it all on one....last....burst! *her feet dig into the ground, and she takes off like a rocket*

Harriet, still leading but gasping desperately: Almost....almost....FUCK! *she trips, stumbles and falls, allowing Neon and Yang to pass her* NOOO! *slams her fist in the ground*

Ruby: *ZOOMs past*

Harriet: FUCK!

Ruby, gaining on Yang and Neon quickly, gritting her teeth: Almost....yes! *passes Yang and Neon, then crosses the finish line* I won!!! *stumbles and face plants into the ground* Oof.

Nora: Ruby wins! Followed by Yang and Neon in a photo finish!

Elm: And there’s Harriet, throwing a tantrum.

Harriet, in the distance: AAAAAAAA

Penny, picking up Ruby and hugging her: You did it, Ruby, I’m so proud of you!!!

Ruby, getting swung around wildly: Penny! Need....clothes!

Penny: Oh yeah, that. *puts her down* I’m just really happy for you!

Ruby, beginning to get dressed: Thanks. *takes a few deep breaths* It honestly took a lot out of me.

Penny: I can carry you back to the dorm!

Ruby: Aww, thank you.

Yang: Nice one, sis. *looks are Nora* So who came in second?

Nora, shrugging: It was too close to call.

Velvet, holding up her camera: I got it. *pulls up the picture of the finish* Yang’s bike crossed the line first, but Neon’s body crossed before Yang’s body did.

Neon: That means I got second, right?

Yang, sighing: I concede.

Neon: Woo! Almost champ right here! *picks her underwear up and starts putting in on* I outran a motorcycle!

Yang, picking up her bra and panties: Yeah, gotta hand it to you, that was pretty impressive. *turns to far the others, holding up her choices of undergarments* Which do I leave off?

Blake: Topless.

Emerald: Topless.

Weiss: Topless.

Yang: I figured. *slips her panties on* Well that was fun.

Nora: Let’s head back to the dorm before anyone sees us.

Penny: Yes let’s! *picks up Ruby into her arms* Onward, winner!

Ruby: Yay!

Meanwhile, a little ways away....

Elm: Uhh, Hare?

Harriet: *sobbing into the grass* Eehhhhhhh!

Elm: So you tripped up and fell. That’s no reason to beat yourself up about this.

Harriet: Eeeeehhhh but I wanted to be the fastest, and now I’m the....clumsiest!

Elm: You know who you’re talking to, right?

Harriet: But....but....

Elm, sighing: Here. *takes off her shirt, picks Harriet up and puts the big t-shirt on the small girl* There. Now let’s get you back to the dorm so we can keep playing with the others.

Harriet, Elm’s shirt covering her all the way to her knees, blushing: I....guess.

Elm, holding her in her arms and smiling: That’s better.

Harriet, tucking her nose under the shirt’s collar as Elm begins taking her back to the dorm: Thanks, Elm....

Elm: No problem, loser.

Harriet: Too soon!

#harriet x elm ship name? #rwby #rwby truth or dare #harriet bree #ruby rose #neon katt #yang xiao long #weiss schnee #blake belladonna #ilia amitola #nora valkyrie #penny polendina #ciel soleil #pyrrha nikos #emerald sustrai #nuts and dolts

[theexleynatureblog]

Tripped Up On Trapping

Recently I saw a post on Tiktok from a account I follow from a Wolf and wolf-dog Sanctuary. I followed this account because I love all things animals, especially wolves, and the videos gave some really cool insider looks into the animals of the sanctuary.

The account also posted updates on legislation regarding wolves, particularly what’s going on in Montana. This article from the Bozeman Daily Chronicle goes into some details.

In the past couple of years, wolf populations have risen across the US thanks to smart management techniques and the recognition of wolves’ roles in the ecosystems. Now that most populations have reached their management goals and beyond, states are opening up hunting seasons.

These hunting seasons are carefully regulated by the state’s natural resource agency. In Minnesota for example, once the wolf population became eligible to be lifted from a protected status, the Department of Natural Resources got to work implementing a carefully thought out management plan for wolves and a wolf season in 2012 - that would allow a sustainable number of harvest (this means they determined bag limits and the length of hunting seasons to make sure the public didn’t take too many wolves at once and ping the population back to a threatened status). However, the DNR’s plan was overturned by legislation in favor of a season opening up immediately. This had drastic consequences for packs in the state, and the season was shut down and wolves we re-listed in 2014. Read more from the International Wolf Center.

The point of this spiel is, before y’all get caught up on the morality of a wolf hunt, Wildlife Management groups are taking steps to ensure they do not disappear again, with or without hunting. The problem comes from politicians who listen to what the public want instead of what science says. (If the public wants a wolf season, they’ll open a wolf season and cash in on their votes for re-election). 

I am tempted to go on about the history of wolf management and what a mess our previous (trump’s) administration made with all their wildlife protection rollbacks, but this diverges too far from my other point, which is about trapping. (I will leave links below so you can read about the Montana legislation for yourself).

The video I saw had a person from the Wolf Sanctuary encouraging people to stop the new bills to expand the wolf season in Montana. She specifically noted the new bill would allow for trapping, which she described as cruel and a danger to non-target species.

To clear things up, I am a soon-to-be hunter and trapper, as in I have not actually done those activities yet, but I am studying rules and regs to one day do this. I do already fish, and as any other ethical wildlifer will say, harvesting and processing your own food comes with a refreshing sense of intimacy with the environment around you and the food you eat.

Note how I said ‘food’. A life goal of mine is to become as much as a sustenance hunter as possible, meaning I only harvest what I am going to eat. Any animal I can’t eat I leave alone. I don’t believe in killing for sport, glory, or trophy. Personally, I think it’s alright to harvest a ‘trophy’ animal as long as the trophy (antler, paw, tusk, pelt) is not the sole reason you kill it. With deer, you can harvest a months worth of meat, carve the bones into decoration or jewelry, and make clothes out of the skin. When it comes to wolves, the only thing you can really use is the pelt. Predator meat just doesn’t taste good (so I’ve heard). For this reason, I’m not too keen on a wolf season.

I do understand the important of animal management - I’ve spent the last three years of college studying population dynamics and human impacts on the environment. Because humans insist on not coexisting with wolves, wildlife scientists have to step in with a management plan that allows wolves and humans to occupy the same earth with as little conflict as possible. This mean, we have to check their numbers if population get to high. I understand this and support this, ONLY if the people in charge do so with ecological knowledge as their backdrop. 

There I go ranting about wolves again. Back to trapping! So, anti-hunters and trappers will often say ‘trapping’ as if it’s one thing. But can you name all of the different kinds of traps? If you can’t, I’m not going to take your counter-argument seriously because I’m not convinced you know everything you’re talking about.

Traps can be split into two categories - kill-traps, and holding-traps. That’s right! Not every trap kills an animal instantly. Leg hold traps are the first example.

Leg hold traps come in a variety of of sizes and poundage's. These measurements are important because they dictate the size of the animal susceptible to capture. (But this also means traps are less discriminatory that shooting). Trapping regulations state the maximum circumference of the jaws. Each ‘furbearer’ animal (in Minnesota) has a maximum size trap to reduce the amount of non-target animals. Of course, when it comes to leg-hold traps, non-targets aren’t too big of a problem, because you can just release them.

No, leg hold traps don’t break an animal’s bone. You’re thinking of this.

These are bear traps, and they are not legal to use unless you are hunting bear. They have the highest pressure and serrated jaws because bear paws are huge, and their skin is tough as nails. If you set this trap on a fox trail, then yes, you may end up injuring a fox. You would also be found in violation of trapping laws and get your license taken away.

Traps aren’t designed to break bones because if the trap has enough pressure to snap bones, then the animal can escape. The trap is useless, and the trapper wasted a bunch of time and energy. These kinds of traps are the most common used for coyotes and wolves. This makes sense because wolves and coyotes are bigger bodies animals. In a foothold trap, the animal is not suffering. Some traps even had padded jaws. If trapped an animal may struggle for a minute until laying down. A law-abiding trapper will check their trap line every one to two days (depending on the requirements in their state). This way, animals do not end up starving to death in the trap.

(No, that is not blood, it’s just the bobcat’s fur color). 

I was surprised to find that in some areas it is legal to hunt wolves with snares. This caught me off guard, because snares are not the best way to kill larger-bodies animals.

Like leg hold trappers, snarers operate under strict guidelines that dictate how high off the ground they can set them and how wide their radius can be - the bigger the radius, the easier to catch things. These are most commonly used for small animals like porcupine and rabbits. When an animal pokes its head through the wire noose, it tightens, cutting off the animal’s carotid arteries. They ‘faint’ from lack of blood to the brain, and die after going unconscious. Of course, a lot can go wrong with a simple wire loop. They can get caught around animals legs or bodies. In Minnesota, it is illegal to place snares on known deer trails, and some places require break-away devices that allow the animal to escape if a certain amount of pressure is applied. This is why it is very important for trappers to have knowledge of the animals they are trapping. They have to recognize tracks and runs, and know how to set up the snare to catch an animal in the most humane way possible.

Typical set-up for trapping snowshoe hares.

Small animals like rabbits are easy to humanly trap. This is gonna sound harsh, but small mammals are designed to die quick, painless deaths. They live short, breed often, and die fast. Anyone who worked in a rescue facility knows to be careful around the wild rabbits, because anything from loud noises or bright light could literally scare them to death. This is a blessing in disguise, because every kind of predator from marten to hawks eats rabbits. But wolves and coyotes are not build the same way. They are predators, designed to survive lots of harsh conditions and fighting. They’re necks, a vulnerable spot, are protected by thick skin and fur. This means that it will take longer for them to suffocate in a snare trap.

I will say one thing though. Do you know the kinds of natural deaths wolves face in the wild? They rip each other apart, while they are still alive. The International Wolf Center says the primary mortality causes are starvation and death from other wolves over territory fights. Wolves don’t wait until an animal stops moving like cats. They tear into them while they’re still alive. But if a wolf doesn’t meet that end, the fastest death it can hope for is a kick in the head from a moose. Otherwise, when it gets too old to chase prey, it will slowly starve to death, or with away from a mix of parasites, diseases, and minor injuries. Honesty, compared to all that, a noose does not sound like the worse way to go.

I do agree that we can do better in regards to trapping. If Montana goes through with the wolf hunting and trapping, they should do so with leg-hold traps instead. These will reduce the number of non-target fatalities, and allow the captured animal a much more humane death by bullet. As I said before, I don’t overall support a recreational wolf season, because there is nothing a wolf can offer besides a trophy and a pelt. From what I’ve heard, and based on the history of the past administration, I am not convinced Montana is acting in the best interest of their wildlife based on the current research available. The issue lies not with trapping and hunting in itself - it’s how we are using it and regulating it for management. 

About Traps

#wolves #hunting #wolf #trapping #wildlife #biology #nature #animals

[stripesthesupervillain]

The Mad Hatter’s Guide to Happiness: Chapter 11

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Summary:  Batman takes an interest in the two villains' week out, deciding to get personally involved. Scarecrow and Mad Hatter find a place to stay after the day's events.

Don’t want to read this on Tumblr? Read it here! (I’ll add links to more chapters tomorrow.)

“As of now, police are unable to locate the two criminals, Jervis Tetch and Jonathan Crane, better known by their criminal personas as the Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow.”

Bruce Wayne was drawn away from his phone call upon hearing the two familiar names on the television. He raised a brow, initially confused as he watched the news report., he leaned back on his chair, paying more attention to the woman presenting herself on TV rather than his friend on the other end of the line.

“With a count of twenty-one confirmed kills by the pair, including twenty SWAT and the chief of police, Walter Paloozi, the town now lives in fear every waking hour of the night. No one knows why they’ve come to the small town, nor why they have decided to join forces, but one thing is for sure: they won’t slow down if they aren’t stopped.”

“Hey, Lucius, I'm sorry, but something just came up. Yeah, trouble. We'll talk about the device later. I’m gonna have to call you back,” Bruce sighed, quickly hanging up the phone and rising from his chair. “Alfred, turn up the volume.”

“We’ve had several reports that the kill count is higher than originally expected, with two new bodies having appeared so far fitting Tetch’s MO. Without the town's personal Batman to stop them, and the police force showing to have been a poor match for them, it seems that anything can happen at this point, and we can only pray for their safety as they are forced to adapt to Gotham's special breed of crime. Stay tuned for more as the story develops.”

The two stared at the TV as they quickly flashed images of the criminals, both in costume and out of costume. “It seems that I may have to work out of state, Alfred,” Bruce sighed, turning off the television and heading to the bookcase that hid his biggest secret. Alfred followed after him dutifully, standing by as they waited for the bookcase to shift out of the way to reveal the entrance to the Batcave. “Usually I wouldn’t suggest having other states outsource your services, Master Bruce,” Alfred sighed, “as you are only one man. However, this seems to be a different matter altogether, so I suppose there's no point in trying to convince you, is there?” Bruce gave a curt nod as he trotted down the stairs, the floodlights to the cave activating to shine down on the complex series of computers and vehicles he used for his secret hobbies. “Usually I would let them solve their own problems, Alfred, but this is Scarecrow and Mad Hatter we’re talking about. While Tetch's predictability is limited to the Lewis Carrol books, he's still a deranged schizophrenic and still a threat, and Crane is a sadist with enough fear gas to bomb an entire country. I need to go to Georgia and stop them before they can hurt any more people.”

“Master Bruce, these two are not your responsibility,” Alfred reasoned, following at a steady pace as Bruce got onto the batcomputer to get the coordinates for the last known location of the masked men. “Maybe not,” he replied, “but I am responsible for helping to protect this city, and I let these Crane and Tetch slip under the radar. I didn’t even realize they were gone until literally three minutes ago, Alfred, and now another town is paying for this mistake,” he sighed, going over to begin putting on his infamous batsuit. Alfred didn’t reply, merely watching from afar as he occasionally checked the computer for updates. Wayne had just put on the chest plate and had begun to fit on his boots when he stopped, considering a thought. “They killed over twenty people, Alfred,” he murmured, clutching his mask in his left hand in simmering anger. “If there is a chance I can stop them before anyone else just to save a few more lives, I’m more than willing to go any distance.”  

Once his mask was on and he was fully suited up, he moved over to the computer, collecting any information that he would need. “I’m going to need to use the batmobile,” he told his butler, typing into the computer in order to see which roads he would need to use to get there the fastest. “I’ll have to go at full speed if I want to get there quickly. There’s no time to plan anything else.”

“What do you expect to do once you get there?” Alfred questioned, watching him as he began to head towards the batmobile. “Find them. I’ll have to set up a few crime scenes and check for anything they’ve left behind, and once I get ahold of them, I'm bringing them back to Gotham,” Batman informed him. “I know them, Alfred. Crane isn’t one to just run away from his problems, and Tetch loves Gotham too much to move away.”

“Not a common interest between Englishmen, I can assure you,” Alfred commented.

“They came there for a reason, most likely of Crane’s own interest. From what the computer says, Tetch has no connection with Georgia, much less even stepped foot in it. Crane must be after something. Something important, I’m sure. I’ll make sure he won’t get it. Check the computer for any linking factors between Crane and the town. Make sure you hit all bases, including profession and personal life. Oh, and make sure Robin keeps the city safe while I’m gone.”

“Understood, Master Bruce,” Alfred nodded as Bruce hopped into the armored vehicle. “Stay safe, sir. You’ve stopped several villains at once before, but there’s always a risk.”

“I’ll be home before next week, I can assure you,” Batman said confidently, lowering the roof of the batmobile and revving up the engine. It was going to be a long couple of days, he was sure of that. Even as he drove off, he couldn’t help but wonder why these two criminals would travel such a far distance to wreak havoc.

Little did he know, someone else was wondering the same thing, and they were determined to figure out this little enigma.

The Mad Hatter and Scarecrow were more than overjoyed by the time they broke through the line of trees, their run slowing to a steady walk. Breathing heavy, Scarecrow was still laughing lightly to himself, still a bit animated after the day’s events. Bits of blood was still visible on his costume, but neither of them really seemed to care. Jonathan would care when he would have to wash the damn thing, but that's for another time.  

“Oh, I honestly wish I could have recorded all of that,” Scarecrow chuckled, one hand on his scythe and the other on the duffle bag slung around his shoulder. The two were still in costume, of course, attempting to find a good point to where they were safe to change. “You’ve said that at least three times,” Mad Hatter grinned, looking up at him. “I have to say, I’ve never seen you look so spirited about anything before.”

“I enjoy a good adrenaline rush every now and again,” Scarecrow murmured, calming down as he looked over the parking lot they had come across, sparsely populated by only a few cars. “It beats sitting in an office and listening to the problems of everyone else. Now, which one should we pick?” They surveyed the area. While it was still the black of night, street lights were able to illuminate the area and give them a clear picture of where they were heading.

“Oh, I like the red one,” Hatter pointed out, gesturing to a small red car that would perfectly seat the two of them. It looked cheap and rather plain and unnoticeable, which was perfect for them. “The red one it is,” Scarecrow declared, beginning their trek through the lot. “So how many of those cards do you have left?”

“Quite a few,” Hatter replied, not bothering to check his bag. “I always bring a chess set’s worth.” They stopped at the car, where he watched Scarecrow skillfully break in and begin to fiddle with the wires. “So how much toxin would you say you have left?”

“A few canisters,” the taller villain replied, grunting as the wires didn’t seem to be connecting. “So I’d say enough to break at least a hundred minds. In case that fails, I still have a scythe and an axe, whereas you don’t have a weapon of any kind.”

“Well, I usually I have other people do my bidding who usually have weapons,” Hatter huffed, watching him move the wires in the obviously wrong places. “Er, Hare, I don’t believe-“

“I know what I’m doing,” Scarecrow spat, before cursing when one of the wires gave him a little shock, although it wasn’t felt through the gloves. Hatter rolled his eyes, grabbed the other’s arm before he could protest, and ducked under the steering wheel. Within seconds, the car came to life. When he came back up, he dusted his dinner gloves on his coat. “I suggest you leave the technology to me. Hares don’t climb trees and haberdashers don’t live in burrows. It’s just not practical,” he chuckled, going and getting into the driver’s seat. “Says the one in Wonderland,” Scarecrow scoffed, getting into the passenger seat. Normally he wouldn’t let Hatter drive the car, as it was akin to trusting him with his very life, but he decided to let him have it this time. With a sigh, he pulled off his hat and mask as they began to pull off, revealing unusually unkempt red hair and a man with a stupid grin on his face, which slowly faded with time.

“Ah, Wonderland seems to be more exciting than usual, doesn’t it?” Hatter sighed, adjusting his hat. Jonathan knew he wasn’t going to take that thing off until he was asleep and didn’t bother to tell him off. “It sure does,” he muttered, now feeling more worn out. “Let’s just find a place to stay for the night and get out once daylight hits. I don’t want to spend another second here.”

“How about one of the neighborhood houses?” Jervis suggested, looking at an intersection that led to a cluster of houses. “That’s risky,” Jonathan replied, shaking his head. “We don’t want to wake any neighbors. They’re probably already high strung as it is.”

“Well you lived here, didn’t you?” Tetch said, looking over at him. “Where do you suggest we stay, then?” Jonathan had to think about this for a good few seconds, going through his terrible memories for any place they could stay that the police wouldn’t check out.

“On the next intersection, turn left and keep driving until you hit Duley Road,” he instructed. “There’s a small plaza that used to be filled with vacant shops. With any luck, a few of them may still be empty.”

Jervis nodded, beginning to follow as instructed as he began to rest against the car seat. He felt more tired than usual, which was understandable. Today was undoubtedly the third most eventful day of his life. He nearly died several times, so it was at least in the top five. Today was a good day, he’d say.

The car was filled with silence, with Jonathan now quieted and recounting the day’s events with a small smile. Jervis couldn’t help but become curious about some words shared several minutes earlier.

“Hey Hare,” he hummed, only receiving a grunt in response as a sign that he had his attention. “Do you really prefer this life over the life you could have had?”  

Jonathan paused, looking over at him silently. Tetch took this as a sign to keep going. “It’s the question we all ask ourselves, isn’t it? If we could go back in time and stop ourselves from become this, would we?” He glanced over at the unamused Crane, who only let out a sigh after a minute and shook his head. “Tetch,” Jonathan sighed, “as much as I appreciate the conversation and attempts to keep away the silence, I really can’t bear any more questions for today. Save it for tomorrow.” Jervis let out a small titter of amusement, but nodded in understanding. If Jonathan was sick of questions and answers, it must have been a really long day for him. He just hummed a tune to himself and kept driving.

They soon came to the plaza his companion had mentioned, looking around the dimly lit area in search of anyone. Besides one lone car, there was really no one there. Sure enough, a few of the stores were empty, the signs torn down and the windows covered to show there was no longer any occupants.  

It only took a few seconds and the door was soon opened, thanks to Catwoman’s helpful lessons. They trudged in with their things, locked the door, and took a look around. Jervis noticed the wallpaper still clinging to the interior was a light green with the occasional flower print. There was also an area where things were clearly meant to be on display, with lights and nozzles for misting water hanging above each display.

“I believe this place may have been for floristry, Hare. Oh, you know how I enjoy flowers,” Jervis mused, before frowning. “Except daisies. Those are always irritating to listen to.” Jonathan emerged from another room, now in his more citizen-type clothing, looking rather normal except for the unkempt hair. “It doesn’t matter what this place is for,”  he scoffed, peering out the small cracks visible between the coverings of the windows. He could already see the red streaks of dawn starting to make their way towards the center of the black sky. “What matters is that we get some rest. News travels fast, Jervis. I’d rather not take the chance of Batman taking interest. Get some sleep.”  

Tetch gave a curt nod, but gave a quick knowing smile to the doctor. “No pills, right?” he chuckled, watching as Crane turned to give him a small glare. He just shrugged it off. He soon found a good place to take a rest, before setting his hat to the side and nearly passing out then and there, not bothering to change out of his dirtied costume. Jonathan did the same, sitting nearby as he finally began to relax for the first time today. Well, the first time that didn’t involve being drugged. That time didn’t count. He let out a soft yawn, noticing it was becoming even brighter outside. He just grumbled in annoyance, turning away from the windows and closing his eyes.

Once they woke up, they would immediately head straight back to Gotham and nowhere else. He was already sick and tired of this town after just two days of being back. No one would stop them, and soon he would be back to terrorizing the people of Gotham. Those thoughts gave him some comforts as he began to rest up and drift off to sleep.

However, he would have to stay up a bit more, as soon enough, the phone rang.

Jervis audibly groaned in vexation, covering his ears. Jonathan just sighed and ignored the ringing until it finally stopped. Whoever it was could wait a few hours.  

Of course, when the phone rang again, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep without answering it. Even if he wasn’t called again, just not knowing who it was would be enough to keep him up a good hour or so. He angrily snatched up the phone, noticing Jervis sit up with an expression of both curiosity and slight annoyance. Jonathan recognized the caller ID as being from his base back in Gotham. It was Rockwell, most likely. Anyone else wouldn’t be a good sign. He let out an annoyed huff and answered the phone.

“Yes?” he greeted, going into an impatient stance as he leaned against a counter. “Whatever it is, it must be pretty damn important, Rockwell.” He could hear his henchman clear his throat in a nervous fashion. Something else could also be heard in the background, but he couldn’t identify it. It almost sounded like a voice.

“Well, Mister Scarecrow, sir,” Rockwell began, “I caught this guy sneaking around the base. Messing with all your chemicals and notes and stuff before I caught him. You know, the things you told me never to touch unless I want to end up in an Asylum?”

Jonathan furrowed his brow in initial confusion, before quickly becoming angry once again. “An intruder? Messing with my things? Well tell me you at least killed the imbecile.”

“Well, that’s the thing,” Rockwell replied. “I was going to, but he told me to cal you specifically. Told me I would regret it if I killed him. Called me a bunch of things, too.”  

At this point, Crane was simply puzzled at the situation. “Who gives a damn who he is?” he scoffed. “What sort of brainless halfwit would even think to intrude upon my lair? If he was caught by you, he obviously can’t be of much importance. I won’t be shedding any tears, trust me on-“

That’s when he heard it. Whatever voice that was in the background soon became loud and clear.

“HALF-WIT? I’ll have you know that I was able to find both your base and figure out the access code in a mere hour, not an easy task for a mere simpleton. If it’s anyone lacking the brains of the bunch, it’s you for only hiring a single guard to protect the supplies that are integral to your potato sack visaged alter-ego!”

Jonathan had to pull the phone back in order to not damage his ear drums. He blinked in surprise, looking over at Jervis, who had heard the yelling man on the other end. Both recognized that voice clear as day, but both seemed unable to make sense of it.

“Is that…?” Tetch murmured slowly.

“It is…” Crane replied.

They looked at each other and back down at the phone. They practically said it at the same time, equally as confused.

“Nygma?”

#MHGH #Batman #Alfred Pennyworth #Jervis Tetch #Mad Hatter #Jonathan Crane #Scarecrow #Edward Nygma #Riddler

[the-theater]

Story Two: Fucks High; School For Furries And Drug Lords (Pt. 2)

AN: So Ive been tiping more offten now so my speeling wuld be better liek you all sed. SEE I CAN TAKE CRITISISM WEHN I TINK IST RIGHT

Asahi: The only problem is that you pick and choose what criticism is valid

Cherry: I just hope ya keep your word about the spellin’ improvement.

Editor's note: No. Fuck it. I can't do this.

Briar: Completely valid.

Briar: Questionable as to why she would upload this with that note attached.

I QUIT. I FUCKING QUIT. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT? I WIN BECAUSE I HELD UP ROVA FOR TWO YEARS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Asahi: And there is the validation that this was a troll story all along.

Fuck it I can't even edit this chapter someone else go do it for Rova because I cant' even at this point

Briar: Again, completely valid.

CHAPTER 12: A NEW DAYU

Cherry: Some more sufferin’.

Today was a nice day in Forks as I got up from my bed. Just like other houms, my home had a bedroom, where I was.

Asahi: I would assume a house that people live in has a bedroom.

Cherry: Unless it’s a Sims house, then ya can make it without a bedroom.

That stupid slut Bella had been sleping in this room before I moved into it, and becaus of that I now lived ni the bedroom.

Asahi: Did you not live in a bedroom before? Were you just couch crashing?

Bella dat stupid slut now lived in the shack in the backyard of the house.

Briar: Honestly, why does she hate Bella so much?

Asahi: Right now I’m more concerned over the fact that two teenagers are living in a house despite the owner being dead.

Asahi: Correction, one teenager is living in the house, the other is living in a shack on the property.

Cherry: Even worse!

She had all of her prostitushin rackets set up back there. Stupid jocks line up every night in order to tape her ass.

Briar: Look, prostitution is a perfectly normal occupation and should be treated with the same kind of respect as any other working job.

Briar: The problem isn’t the sex workers, it’s the ones who abuse them and take advantage of them.

Cherry: Got experience with it?

Briar: Brothels and sex workers are fairly common where I’m from, or rather, about as common as it is for you guys. We’re just more… open and accepting of them?

Briar: The rules are also very strict there. I got to bear witness a Duke getting kicked out of one of them because he was being incredibly disrespectful and belligerent.

But thats enough of Bella lets go back to focusing on me.

Asahi: But I want to keep talking about Bella.

I woke up agin this morning an then I went downstairs. I realized I was nude but chadley no longer lived here sins I killed him.

Briar: And I am still very upset over you killing him. For a key of all things.

he had died and i attended his fuenerel. I was very sad at his funeral and Bella was very emo she slit her wrists at least fourteen times. I think that she lost about 12 gallons of blood when she was doing that.

Asahi: One; I don’t get why you’re sad about it. You murdered him. Two; Of course Bella is going to be sad. You murdered her dad!

Cherry: An that is way more blood than the human bodies has! Humans only got 1.5 gallons on average!

All of the bloid had spilled into chadley's coffin and it created a beautiful scene of blood. I love blood and all of the Collins love blood as well.

Maybe dat is because the Collins are vampires.

Briar: Oh, my! They like blood because they’re vampires? Who would have come to such an obvious and blatant conclusion!

Vampires, you see, like to drink the blood of humans. Animals blood will not cut it for vampires they will always have that sense of bloodliust.

Asahi: Except, the Cullen’s have been doing pretty well these last hundred years or so of being vegetarians and only feeding off of animal blood.

Cherry: She’s probs gonna change it. Take away their vegetarianism.

Anyways I wke up and then wanted to go to school again. I couldnt wait to get up and go to school because today we were nominating people for class presidwnt, which is a very prestigious role to fill.

Briar: And of course you’re going to be the class president.

Asahi: Is there even any doubt?

Last year Angel a was the class president but then she became a vampire and killed all of bella's friends. i slmost fel bad for bella but she was a major fuicking bitch before that happened and now shes better so I kind of like angela for doing that I guess.

Asahi: Justice for Bella 2020!

Anywas I got to the parking lot

Briar: Did you walk? Did your stolen care miraculously return?

and found edowred talking to his sister Alicia and his weirdo friend jaspor who was just parking his awdi.

Cherry: By “Weirdo friend” I assume ya mean “Clanmate/Adopted Brother/Brother-in-law”.

"Hi edowerd hoes it going" I asked woundering hiw his day was going

"doth far it havth bineth so goodeth" he retoted

Briar: Gah!

Briar: I almost forgot how awful his dialogue is.

I loked over at jaspor from where I was standing and talking to edowerd and Alicia. there he was all alone. Jasper had a ver tan feca for an transsecual. He was holding briught purpler maskara and he has white feac paint on.

Cherry: Can ya not with the transphobia and terrible makeup today?

Briar: More importantly; how is Alicia so easily integrating back in school when she is now a fugitive on the run from the law for breaking out of jail? The local jail at that.

He was listenin to his androwd phone becuz hes a loser and doesn't use appel phones like evrybody else does.

Asahi: Alright, I’m going to lay some facts down, and this is not entirely because I use an Android.

Asahi: As of April of 2020, the mobile operating systems worldwide market share put Android at 70% while IOS was at 28%, with the other phones such as Samsung making up the remaining percentage. That’s a 42% difference in favor of Android.

Asahi: Another study put Android at 74% for market shares, while the iPhone only made up 22%.

Asahi: Some countries use the iPhone more, but statistics are statistics. Android is the best.

"Okay edowerd its time for historee again" I remineded edowerd. If it wasn't for me edowerd would never be anywere on time because he's sooooo forgetfull.

Briar: I doubt that. He’s likely doing this so you feel better about your own inabilities.

Alicai smild and wavved as we went indoors but no then she screamed

Cherry: I’d be screamin’ too if I had to put up with this.

"LOOK OUT ITS FUCKiNG COPS" when suddenly the police came.

Asahi: Officers, if you want to earn your badges, you know who to take out.

There were two of them both with guns in their pickets just like Alicia has. When Alicia swa them she took ot her gin and ran into the building. She ran right down the halls past me and edowerd and pushed tanishashankwua out of the way as she was braidin her hare.

Cherry: Well, police raid on a school. Gonna be fun or a disaster.

Asahi: My vote on the disaster.

i luked at dem all fuouriosly.

"why do you think she's running" I questioned edowerd

Briar: “Well, she did just scream ‘cops’, and she’s on the run from the law…”

Asahi: “Ah, right. Completely justified, then.”

"I think shes going to go hide her drugs" he answered. I was glad that edowerd was here to answer all of the hard qestions for me.

Cherry: Cause knowin’ why a fugitive is runnin’ is such a hard question.

I luked deeply into his raven colured eyerises as he spoek

"stop mothafuggas it's the law" stampeded oine of the officers. Then the black guy flshed and we were assoured fo his status.

Asahi: Time to earn your keep, boys.

"what can we do for you offiser" I asked qietly

"we are investigatin the dissapeerence of chadley swan" they told me.

Cherry: There’s no disappearance. There was a funeral. Shouldn’t ya be investigating his murder?

"Chadley was a good friend of mine and he wsnted you to know that he left evurything to you Rebecca because he hated that whore bella." I nodded in assumpsion, because she was rioght.

Asahi: Justice for Bella, 2020!

Briar: I am personally insulted and disgusted. Charlie was a good man who loved his daughter dearly!

Chadley wasn't that angry when I killed him because he understud me. Charley waz why I came to live in fourks in the first palce. He was so dispointed in bella that he wanted new dawter.

Asahi: You can’t just turn your niece into your daughter just because you want to. Trust me on that.

Anyways he wouldn't be ded for long because we plan on bringin him back to luife by turning him into a vampiore!

Cherry: Without his consent? Rude!

Edowerd suddenly whispered into my feac "Lady rebecca I doth believeth that these meneth doeth noteth noeth thateth weeth hast killedeth chadlyeeth"

Briar: Because saying that in front of the cops is a great idea. No, really, keep talking. I want to see you arrested.

"OH MY FUOCKING GOID" I scramed

Asahi: Not Judah?

because he was right. I frewked OUIT! I took edwrds hand and ran at my fastest speed away rfom the cops. We had to finde a plan owt and then cover it fast, otherwise I might get in truble and have to leave fourks! I wuld have to leeve EDOWERD!

Cherry: But they don’t know you killed him?

Cherry: Ya just got to act normal and everythin’ will be—

Cherry: Ah, right. Ya don’t know what ‘normal’ means.

CHAPTRE 13: THE LECSHURE

As I rain down the hal at the quickest speed I thought baeck to my life hear in fourks. Wen I first got hear, it was chadley who introdooced me to al of his fiends and familly.

Briar: He sounds like a good uncle.

Without him bella and I wouldnt of had anything in comon. What wuld everybuddy think if they learned that I was the one who kiled chadley? Would any of them still accept me as their friend?

Asahi: Charlie was a wonderful man, they would throw you behind bars for murder.

Would edowerd love me anymore? Would I be able to hoke up with any guys I likd?

Asahi: Edward already knows you killed him. But, unless the guys are into murderers, they wouldn’t.  

"Rebecca gurl wassup" asked tanishashanqua who was for my literachure clas.

Cherry: I thought you had history?

"not much gurl" I sed back. The teecher Mr. Cleerwater stated to talk about his lectur when I beagan to get bord.

"Wurks maed in dis time period were made in the modernist period. As a genrah modernism id difficult to defaine because there are no set kwalifyers that determine if sumthing is modernistic or not. Despite the lac of a koncreate definition it is stil posible to determinh if a work is modernisitic or noit.

Asahi: I feel like this is both true and not true?

Cherry: A lotta the early modernist writers addressed changin’ ideas, like ones by Darwin, Einstein and so on. It also took place after WW1, so there was a lotta disillusionment.

Cherry: I think stream-of-consciousness became a writin’ technique during the modernism period?

Cherry: All I really know though is that Virginia Woolf was a big leaguer in the modernism community.

I argu that Bernisee Boobs Her Hair

Asahi: …What?

is a piece of literashure efectedby modernism b/c of the mane caracters alienation form teen sosiety, the wurk's analisis of a formeing generashional gap, and da pushing fo social boundries in wich the mane character indules in,,,"

Briar: Look, I have no idea what’s even going on right now.

Asahi: Same.

I stooped listening to the fuicking boreing lecshure going on because I new that school was a waist of time and that we shouldbt be talking about ded people anways.

Asahi: Wrong.

Briar: Very wrong.

Briar: History is important, learning from the mistakes of the dead is important. Learning is important.

Briar: Unless you want to spend your entire adult life working on a farm or worse because you’ve not the education for anything else, and possibly being sold for the same price of a goat because your family needs the money for food since you’re inadequacies have left you without a sustainable job and your family is now starving.

Cherry: …That’s a bit insultin’ to farmers an a lot of other people. An sellin’ people’s illegal here.

Briar: Sorry. Different cultures. Different cultural norms. Farmers are great, they’re important beyond words. But, and I’m speaking for my world, not for yours, the average man doesn’t possess the same academic background and knowledge as…say…a crowmaster, or a magistrate.

Asahi: I guess it makes sense. I mean, we’re talking about a world that’s essentially still in the dark ages. Not the brightest of people.

Briar: Rude.

Besides if I had any qustions about the paste I could just ask edowerd since he was born in 190.

Cherry: Edward’s old. But he aint that old.

Asahi: 1901, to be precise. Makes him about 119 years old.

"psst tanishashanqua" I tryd to get her atention but it loked like she was to busy talking notes.

Briar: Like a good student.

Tanishadshanqua cums from a getto neyborhood in fourks were peple get robed and shot a lot. Tanshina had red scarlet hare from her head drapping down to her but wich was very pretty but nt very easy to taek caer of. But she did her hare in a getto way so it loked fuckign ugly most of the tiem.

Briar: Rude.

Cherry: I’ll have ya know, those ‘ghetto’ hair-styles ya think are so ugly are actually really, really cool an beautiful. If ya, ya know, actually take care of your hair.

Cherry: But any hairstyle looks gross if yer never washin’ it.

For sumone who alwaeys does peples hares she cant do her own very wel.

"god (judah) gurl what is it" she angrilee ansered. Shanquas god is also Judah like just me.

Asahi: Judah isn’t a God. Unless you’re making up a God. Judah’s a son of Jacob.

Asahi: If your talking about Judaism, their God is the same God that’s in Christianity and Islamism. Hence why it’s called the Abrahamic Religions. Same God, different methods of worship, and different names for Him.

Asahi: Then again, I’m no expert on religion.

"is it bad to kill someone if they are hurtin sumone you hold closse"

"hell fucking yea" she happilee exckaimed

"but why" I wonderered

"becase if the popo cetch ya then youll get your ass thrown in jhail cracka"

"oh" I realized. Mr. Cleerwater was still taking very boringlee about thinsg that just didnt apply to me.

Briar: Murder is generally frowned upon in most circumstances. I’m not going to say it’s not complicated and there are situations where killing someone is necessary, for self-protection or for justice. But—

Briar: There is no justification that would make killing Charlie okay.

",,, a metaphor for the transfomeshin that amerikan sosiety was maekin in the jaz era. Modernist valyoos and a diselusionment frum the great war evokd progresive konsepts that were new and bould, sum reseeved wel and others reseeved poorly. The conflict between Bernise and Marjoree is indikativ of clashs in sosietal norms that transishional America wuz fasing"

Asahi: As an avid reader, the way she’s bastardizing what would have been an interesting lecture annoys me.

He finaly finished and I was gladf becuse that was serioiusly the most borng piece of shit lectur I ever had to site through and reed. But now I could talk to edowerd and go find Alicia so that was good.

Cherry: Does your entire life revolve around Edward?

"Hey edowerd what are we doing about the cops" I asked

"wee doth need to destroyeth thine evidence or putteth the blameth on someone elserth" he answered grately.

Asahi: I know what you’re thinking and don’t you dare. Do not pin this on Bella!

" I wasn't too shure about this because I wanted to do gud things dep down. I thoght it was helping Alicia to kill chadley but I guess im just misunderstud.

Briar: You’re a complete idiot who thought murdering Charlie was the proper thing to do to save Alicia.

Briar: You never even tried to consider an alternative way of freeing her that wouldn’t involve bloodshed. Such as, oh, I don’t know…

Briar: Having her use her vampiric super strength to break the bars and free herself? Or having Emmett, whose unique vampire power is being physically stronger than the average vampire, break the bars and free her.

Briar: You could have even waited until Charlie fell asleep and took the keys then.

Asahi: That all requires her to think. She doesn’t know how to.

Then the bell rang and I loked up. It was bella in the hall. I tought she loked like a fucking scank with syfilis in her fishnet stalkins and slutty pink miniskirts but I gess guys jsut liek that shit or sumthing.

Cherry: Look, I may not want to see em on me, but fishnets an miniskirts are pretty damn sexy.

Anyways the poiny of this is tht I realizd something.

"edowerd. I think I found someone who can taek the blame!" I sed.

Asahi: The one thing I asked you not to do!

"Nay my lady weeth canteth doeth thateth Rebecca sheth iseth youreth cousin." Edowerd told me.

Asahi: Thank you Edward! For being a voice of reason for once!

Eh loked so fuicking hawt undur the nergy efishent lights in the hall. Loking into his eys I had a memory in my head of whn we were kids. We where on the playgrownd in Mexico and she kicked a bounch of sand in my feace and then ran to her mom and said I did it. Judah (god) shes just so fuking jewvenile.

Briar: You guys lived in Mexico?

Cherry: Uh, juvenile makes sense, considerin’ ya were kids. That’s what the word means.

Cherry: Though I can’t blame her for kickin’ sand in your face.

"So what, she was always meen to me when I first came to fourks" I retoted.

"But she used to be my friends and Jakubs" Edowerd sed. I admitt that he sotr fo had a point but then agin jabuc's friends did raep her that one time wich I liked because it gav her an atitood adjustmint.

Briar: And we’re just cementing the fact that you are a terrible person by justifying your cousins rape. Just reading that makes my stomach churn.

"Ever since she got raped she changed" I pleated to edowerd.

Asahi: Jeez, I wonder why! Could it have been the trauma of a violent attack she suffered? The result of PTSD over being raped and her own family justifying what she went through?

Now we here slowly waking down the hal to the presidents office so that I could run for the election. That was when SHE appeared! It was ROSE! And she was waking towards me at her ful potenshil.

Cherry: The true queen of the series has arrived!

"Havent you dun enuff to her already?" Asked Rosey who had cum up to su in the hal to ask us about that.

Asahi: Yes, she has. Thank you for noticing.

Rosse was stading uprite and was easily a hed taler than me. She was paler then edowerd but had beyutiful blond hare wich flowed evanesentlee in the breez. Rosey iz always gettin in my bizness and begin a whiney bitch in geenral. I tel her that she can og fuock off sumtimes but she nevr listens unlik wedowrd.

Briar: Because she isn’t a pushover who will take shit from someone like you.

Edowird loked at me and then instately he understode wat I wantd. becuz the trtuh is hat i was slowlee failing fo him and I think he was faling for me too

Cherry: You’re still saying you’re ‘slowly’ falling for each other? Girl, ya fell for each other in chapter one.

"Rossey why are doth here?" edowird inkwired for me

"Im hear to registr fro the posishin of president of the skool" she sed wiht hatrid in her voyse!

Asahi: She’s got my vote.

Briar: Mine too.

Cherry: Anythin for our queen.

"WHA TDA FUOCK" I scraemed in foury. Edowird wuld have smaked rossey but he and me are too scared of her sinse shes an assassin.

Asahi: I’m sorry, what?

Asahi: First of all, Edward wouldn’t smack Rosalie, she’s family.

Asahi: Second, when did she become an assassin—oh right. Newborn. Royce and his friends. The wedding dress. Yeah, she’s a bit of an assassin.

"do I need to remind u that I hav a lisens to kill Rebecca" rossey asked. i shut up becuz theres no way edowrid culd take rossey in a fight. Shes just way to powurful.

Cherry: Rosalie you are our queen! Ya could kill em now an no one would mind.

"im just kiddin gurl. But seriosly don't cross me bitoc" she warned before she waked ot of the presidont registashin rum. Judah (God) rosey is such a bitch. It's good though because shes a assassin and its her job to kill people and because shes a vampier she has a speshal deal with the FBI to let her murdr peple.

Briar: That’s not… how any of that works.

Briar: But you do you?

But anyways then deowred and me went and registurd for the cvampain. But then jsut as we were waking out of the rum da two poleece offisirs akosted us.

"WE SIAD STOOP MOTHAFUOGGERS" they SCRAEMD and then da officer waved his pisstul at great shot towards me an edowerd.

Asahi: Please hit. I beg you, please hit!

Suddenly rosy came and she tuk out her two guns and shout the bullet in mid aer, and pointed the gunms at da ofisers. She hade taken her sunglases off wich ment dat she ment serious bizness noaw.

"bitch plz ill fuck u both up" she sed smoothlee.

Cherry: I believe ya. But why are ya shooting at the cops? Shouldn’t ya be shooting Rebecca?

Den she shot one of the ofisers in her brest and she scramed "OWWWW" she screamed loudlee. "get out of here you wil onlee get in da way" she sed angrilee to us. If she wusnt heplign us rite now I wuld smaeck her for bein such a biotch but dat wasnt the situashin rite no w so I culdnt.

Briar: Please. You smack her and you lose your hand.

Asahi: I want her to do that because I want her to lose her hand.

Meenwile Edowerd and mee ran az fast az i culd, huryeing. We onlee had dis one chans to frame bella for chadleys deth and THIS WAS IT!

Asahi: Damn it all!

chaptwer 15 - edowerds chois

Edowerd and me ran duwn the hals of the skool trying not to get hti by the bulets from roses two guns.

Briar: Wait, now Rosalie is shooting them?

"EVERYBDOY HIT THE FUCKIng DEK" Mr cleerwater screemed at the tiop of his vice. A bunch of the students weer runnin and jumin and trying to not gethuit by the bulets flyinhg evreywere.

Cherry: Understandable. I’d be freakin’ out if someone shot up my school.

Mike nuton who had survivd earlyer becuz he had an emergencee braen transfushin got shot in his you no wat and was ded for real.

Asahi: …Okay?

Asahi: I feel bad for the guy, but… we already thought he was dead so there’s really no impact.

I felt bad for the ofisers becuz they weree going to di e today and there waz nothung they culd do to kil rose becaus she was a vampier who wurked for the govermint. I guess thats how the Collinss have alwas manajed to stasy hiden.

Briar: It’s not because of all the hard work and care they put into not being found out, no, it couldn’t be that.

Suddenly the hole skool was bein invaded by police men. They were jumpin trhough the windoes of the skoll and were sprayin the pace with t here buillets. One of them jumped out in front of me and loked scray.

Asahi: Is this kind of excessive violence normal in American schools?

Cherry: Yes an no.

"CUM WITH US OR WELL KIL YOU" a man scramed at me. I was gonna complie with what he waented but then he tuched me. I wuz going to be scraed but i dont taek that shitr from no one not evne edowird so I got out my anti-raep knife and stabed hi times with it in the nek [AN: SEE REBECKA IS SMART SHE WENTT FORn THE ONLYU SPOIT WERE THE HELKEMT WASNT IN THRE WAY] an dhis neck stated to sprasy bloud everywere.

Asahi: I’ll admit, going for that is a smart spot to aim, smarter than I thought she was.

Asahi: But stabbing isn’t smart at all.

Cherry: Congrats. You are now a cop-killer. Not a good thing.

"MI LADY DOTH THINKETH THATETH WE SHOULDETH GETETH TO BELLAETH" edowurd caresed. Suddenly a coip cum and shoit edowerd in the ches tiems in the cheast. I fel to the grund unce i saw this because edowerd is the luv of my life. I cruied ebanesent teers of sorrow and the teer drops feel onto his chest.

Briar: Uh… vampire? Immortal? Ringing a bell?

"Rebeca, doth shall not falleth in loveth witheth me" he sed sexily to me. Then i realsed i had nothing to worree about because edowurd was a vampier which means he cant die.

Briar: You’re idiocy is honestly astounding.

Then my evanednt teers becaem teers of joi wich brawt edowerd back fro m his slumber. I relized that he was my solmate in leif.

Cherry: Urgh.

Cherry: I hate soulmate tropes.

"GOD FUICKING DAMMIT EDOWERD DONT YOU DEI ON ME AGAIN" i screamd at him. How daer he maek me care abut him when he wasnt really dyeing!

Asahi: “How dare he make me think he’s dying when he got shot!”

But there wasnt tiem to get angree becuz the soldurs were stil cuming and shooting all thruout the halls. Edowerd pucked me up with amasing hotness and sped and doodged all of teh bulits and caried me to safetee in the bathrum were i fought angela to a draw earlyr.

Briar: Well, that’s a load of horseshit.

Briar: You didn’t “Fight” her. You hid in the stalls and crawled on the floors until Edward came in.

And then we saw or objektiv: BELA. She was jsut gettin owt of the stal and writing in her emoshinal dairy wen edowerd and i tackled her. I was hapy becase bella is an anti enviyormentalst hu has had this cuming to her for a loung tiem.

Asahi: Justice. For. Bella!

She wuz probably doin drugz in the stal enyways [AN: KIDS DONT DO DROUGS THEY AER BAD FOR U].

Cherry: I hate when I have ta agree with her.

"WHAT THE FUICK ARE U GUYS DOIN" she scramed at the toip of her lungs. I smaeked that skanc in his feace and then edowerd tyed her up with sum rope.

Briar: I hope that our generous host allows us to visit these worlds of fanfiction at some point.

Briar: I do wish to show Rebecca what justice looks like.

"Rebecca milady i doeth noteth thinketh thateth weeth shouldeth doth beeth doingeth thiseth" he woredlee exsclaimd. I tuk a step baeck and loked at the situashin. Bella was tyed up in rope in one of the stals and edowerd and me were abut to leav her.

"Edowerd if i dont do this then theyll find out it was me who kiled chadley" I pleded.

"fuck you!" bella scraemed at me.

Asahi: A completely justifiable reaction.

"excuse me emo bitch who da fuck ased U!?" i was so close to taking out my antiraep nife and just stabing tha t mothafuocking bitch but then i remembred that kiling is onlee okay to saev peopul and that if i wuz gonna folow judah then i hav to sav thigns like the enviyorment

Cherry: Aaaah she pisses me off so much!

"FIRST YOU KIK ME OWT OF THE HOSE THEN YoU KIL CHADLEY WHAT THE FUICK DO YOU WAENT FROM ME" she wuz crying now. her teers wer driping down her feace and making al of her emo maekup cum off. I laffed becuz she wuz being so fcking whinny and was crying and so did edowerd.

Briar: Bella, your cousin is a sociopath… or is it a psychopath?

Briar: It doesn’t matter which. Your cousin is extremely fucked up in the head and you deserve so much better.

Anywaes wile she wuz cryin we toke one of my anti raep nifes (i always have spaers) and put it in bellas fuoking uglee flanell coat pokit. Wit this evidunce on her theres no way i culd be cot for my criem.

Asahi: Reading this is so painful.

"edowerd MAEK HER STOP OR ILL SAY YOU RAEPED ME" she finaly screemed in despuration.

"NO EDOWERD IF U STOP ME ILL SAY U RAEPED ME AND DEN STAB U WITH MY ANTI RAPE NIFE" i screemed ever loudlier. It tuk a moment for edowerd to undrstaen the situashin he wuz in.

Cherry: Edward should just walk away and leave the both of them.

"Bella I doeth not doth luveth thee hancefourth andeth becuzeth ofeth this i henceforth shall helpeth milady rebecca" he sumblee staetd.

BUT IT WAS TO LAET BECUZ THEN THE VAMPIER ANGELA APEARD AGIN IN THE BATHROMO!

Asahi: Angela to the rescue!

Asahi: Save Bella, I am begging you!

AN: Pepol wer beign nice

*Applauds loudly* My dear, this is BRILLIANT! Simply BRILLIANT! Such fresh, funny style! Such wonderful cohesion between references to other trollfics and your own unique elements! And the Bella-bashing-GENIUS! You have clearly done your research! Thank you so much for this fic, which has brought joy and laughter into the heart of many a weary snarker.

Sincerely,

Anya the Purple

Briar: I see we’ve a traitor in our midst.

Cherry: I think Anya was being very nice about callin’ it a trollfic.

yeha i dunt no y but pepul cal me a trol wich is wrong cuz im a human and i dunt liv enderneth a bridge and aske peuple ridels but whatever its nice i gess

Asahi: Your clearly not that intelligent. But we knew this already.

but then i got sum haters so fuock u guys

LightningHunter 10/2/12 . chapter 1

Ya know even my 8 year old cousin can spell better than you.

Asahi: I’m pretty sure I can write better English than her. An I only know English when I’m here. That’s saying something.

Let me say oneeee more thing ...

YOU SUCK !

NO YOU SUCK U JSUT CANT UNDERSTAND THE CIMPLIKATD WOURLD TAT REBECA LIVS IN AD HER FLITE FROM FOURKS U JUST DOTN GET TI

Briar: You’ve literally given us no reason to like or sympathize with Rebecca. She’s an abusive, controlling, manipulative fiend who resorts to excessive violence when she sees something she doesn’t like.

Briar: She’s not a likable character at all, and the spelling just makes everything worse.

chapter 16 Angela vs Rebeca

OH NO it was the vampior ANGELA who had kiled all fo bellas fiends erlier.

Asahi: I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if she did it because she was a yandere for Bella. I honestly want it to be for that reason.

She waked sexilee beack in forth wearing only a whait thoing and skarlit fishnet stolkings and a goldin bikeenee top and purpul six inhc hi heels. I no it sunds wierd but trust me she wuz pulin them of.

Cherry: You’re right.

Cherry: It sounds super weird.

"OHG FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK" bella scramed at the toop of her lungs. But it hd no efect becuz outsied the gunfite wuz stil going on and insied we were so no sound bullits becuz gun cant sownd

Briar: No sound because bullets can’t sound…?

Asahi: Clearly someone has never heard a gun go off.

"I AM HEER TO FINIS HWHAT I STATED A LOUNG TIEM AGO" the vamprior angel screemed!

"O NO U DONT BIOTCH I NEDE HER TO NOT GO TO JALE" I screemed baeck.

Cherry: I’m hoping that what she is referring to is to finish the last bathroom scene with Rebecca.

Cherry: I’m with you on the yandere theory, Asahi.

Asahi: At this point, it’s the only thing I will accept from this story.

I tuk my sekond anti raep nife our fo my pockit and poyntid it at the biotch. Angela was instately assoured of my potenshil and tuk out a thre yard long samurai sorde.

Briar: Knife versus sword. The knife-user could win if they’re good. But Angela is a vampire. Super-human reflexes and strength, and the advantage of length for the sword.

Briar: Logically, there is no way that Rebecca should win.

Asahi: Since when has this story followed logic?

Briar: Fair point.

"no no no no no no no FUCK YOU YO MOTHWERFUOCKER" I sreemed agin but agin it dindt hav any afect on the situashin. "EDOWIRD HLEP ME" but it wuz no use he wasnt in the batroom with mee.

Cherry: When’d he leave?

Cherry: I mean, I ain’t complaining, we even said he ought to just leave. I just woulda liked to know he had left.

"JUDAG FUOCKING DAMMIT I HAET ALL OF U BIOTCHEZ!" The vampiore angela was goign to kil me! "NO GETBELLA SHES TYED UP" Angla tuk anther step to me and sudenly a GUNSHOUT WERNT OFF!

"yo homie wats up" tanishashanqua sed. IT WAS ALICIA AND TANISHASHANKWA DEY WEER HEER TO RESCU ME!

Briar: Why would you rescue her and not Bella, the clear victim here.

"Yo you on my turf fuckor best be gettin off it" alicia wanred. Alicai had here pistul frum the other day in her haend adn had usde it to atack agela!

"btch plz shes maine" angela sed and then luged at bella. I wuz so glad dat she wusnt after me al along!

Asahi: No, no, she didn’t say Bella died. This could still be Angela rescuing her.

hen alicia caem up to me and sed "we have to staek her in the hart to kil her" she sed and then gaev me a shotgun "but dont use it yet kep it for later". I noded my hed in awarnes.

Asahi: Specifically, you should shoot it when the barrel is pointed at yourself for the optimal effect.

"ill fcuking kill u you motharfucker!" and wit that alicia shot angela in the faec four tiemes but onlee got 2 hits becuz she was gonong so fsat but tashinaquasha bit angela in the hand and then angela pushed hr in the face! But then kasper apperd and klawed angelas face with his womins nales and den angela stopped

Briar: I would be happy to never see Jasper in this story again. Just to stop with the anti-trans remarks.

Cherry: How is it two vamps an two humans can’t take down one, presumably newborn, vamp?

"I WILL BE BAECK LATEr" she scremed and then gav me the Katana "YOU MUST KIL BELA WHEN THE TIEM COMES" she scremed and then disappeared.

Asahi: Oh come on!

Asahi: Angela! I believed in you!

Edowerd cum and then we huged together in frunt of evereeoen. Dis maed me crai becuz we were taking our relashonship to a new levul. Except dat i felt his thingee when we toched and then i broke up and i smaked him for being a PERVURT!

Asahi: This hurts me.

Cherry: This hurts everyone.

"yo moon why is bella tyed up" alicai and kaspor asked.

"becuz we need her to go to jale insted fo me" i sed hapilee

"u caent do that" caspor sed.

Asahi: Thank you, Jasper!

Then i stabed him with my new ANTI RAEP CATANAA in leg becuz even tho he thinks hes a women hes jsut a confuzed maen and hes stil in the girls rum

Briar: Wait, I’m confused now. Is Jasper a transwoman or a transman in this?

"U FUOCKING RAPER SPOT TRYIGN TO SEX ME WITH UR EYS" I stabed. Kaspor went nuts tho and then tried to byet me but pedowerd stoiped him ad then he ran of.

Briar: Why is Rebecca not in prison for assault yet? A man just looks at her and she stabs him.

Asahi: Because the author believes she can do no wrong.

Then alicia told me dat i culdnt fraem bella for chadleys deth becuz she had an abili so we were back to skware 1.

Asahi: Thank you Alicia! Thank you.

AN: okay so im getin som h8trs

Cherry: Shocker.

Flawless Obsession 10/8/12 . chapter 8

Out of all this story that I had the displeasure of reading, this is the only thing I understood.

Go on then and show how immature you are.

but u no wat im gona ruse abuv it liek jesus crist wuld want me 2. u r a fuker and i caent chaneg dat but i can kepe doign wat im doign regadeless of the critcizm becuz to b a grate riter u hav to folo ur dreemsd and ur hart wich i am soing.

Asahi: To be a great writer, you also need a solid comprehension of spelling, grammar, and basic storytelling.

Asahi: You have none of that.

Cherry: I can honestly see why her editor dipped out.

chapter 17 - edowerd betrays

Cherry: Hooray! Good for him.

"Wait moon before you go"

Briar: And you still call her ‘Moon’, I see.

alicia approched me wit determinashin in her eies. She we wearing her usual drug dealor uniformn and had matching redd earings. She had died her hare paink with purpol hilites andit was weet from the intens battel we had hade earlier.

Briar: That fight was supposed to be intense?

Briar: I’ve seen kids play-fighting with more intensity.

"What is it alicai" i pated her heed becuz it luked liek she was having a rouff day. [AN: SEE REBEKA HAS EMPATHEE SHES NOT A SYKOPATH]

Asahi: Well, that’s just a lie.

Cherry: Most of the time, Rebecca can’t even be bothered to consider anyone but herself.

"I need you to help me with sumthing" she sed with anger in her face.

"What is it" i questined expektently wile trying to find my voyce in my throet.

"Well i kno why all of the cops are invadin the scool and kiling people" she sed...

Asahi: Does it have anything to do with one of their men being murdered and you, a convicted druglord, busting out of jail?

Cherry: Or all the murders an assaults?

"Wait why" i asked inkwizatively.

"I was in the kemistry rum and was trying to make a new super droug for my biznes when i acidently mixed the drug with a buncha blud sampels i found in mr Chocoluvs ofiss" she sed. I saw a singul teer drop folowed by two more teer drops fal down her face and hut the florwich both caem from her eies.

Briar: Huh, the bloodsamples are actually going to play a part?

Briar: Color me surprised.

"so what" i sed. We hade more pressing maeters to atttend to like the dedly virus spredin!

Asahi: I’m sorry, the what spreading?!

"It mutated into a virus becuz of the vamprie blud. the birus will kils anyone who breethes it in and then whoever breethed it wil die if they arent a vampier" Juda damit this fuocking shit is why alicia doesnt have any friends that arent me and edowerd and caspor and jemmet and rosalee and tanishashashankwa.

Cherry: Sounds like she’s got plenty of friends.

Cherry: Also, that virus is a pretty big deal!

"wen did u do this" edowerd asked

"earlyr today" alicai asnwered. "i ran off to chek on the sampuls when i fiorst saw hte cops this mourning". Then she left the bathromo just liek she caem earlyr.

"uh oh" i sed. This culd be a probelm for the rest of the skool. "wil i be safe?" i asked questionately.

Briar: Of course not.

"yes milady" edowerd replierd. "doth loveth and salieva frum hence my moutheth wil power thee to lifeth." Edowerd sed sexily. I wuznt luking right at him but i culd see his sexy reflekshin in the bathrum miror.

Asahi: I can’t say anything about that because Twilight vampires have reflections.

We wer al alone in the bathrum so i finaly pooped the qustion to my lover.

"hey edowerd wanna sex" i asked lovnglee.

Cherry: Hey, we were right. The ‘no sex before marriage’ didn’t hold up.

"yes milday i doth think it wuld be plesureable" he sed.

"WELL TO BAD ITS A TARP! I DUNT BELIVE IN SEX BEFOR MARIAGE AND YOU FALLED THE TEST" I scremed and began to crie.

Asahi: Wow.

Asahi: She is a terrible girlfriend.

Cherry: That’s just… you asked him a question, wanting something don’t mean the same as actually doin’ it.

Edowrd had betrayd me and now i was al alone in the wurld.

Briar: Exaggeration. That’s not a betrayal.

Briar: Now, Edward breaking your trust by revealing some very damaging information about you to some people who immediately use it to ruin your chances of the high-class position you had been set to take, all for some superficial thing in return, forcing you to live in squalor for a period of time and eventually finding a high-stress very dangerous job where you’re underappreciated despite how important you are, all the while he takes the job you had originally been set to have. Now that’s a betrayal.

Asahi: Uh… speaking from experience?

Briar: Hypothetical.

Asahi: ...Okay?

I ran owt of the bathrom betrayd by edowerd and jsut ran down the hals. I ran rely fast and then began to smel the viris that alicaia had ben talking abut.

Cherry: If we’re lucky, you’ll die.

I shreemly luked down the hals at all the ded boodies. All of the coips were ded on the grund. I herd a really disgustin noiz cuming from down the hal. I tuk out my shotgun htat alicia had given me earlyer and slowlee creepedd up on them. I GASPOED when i saw who it was!

Briar: Well that cliffhanger could have been better.

Asahi: A lot of this story could have been better.

chapter 18 - rebeca vs Hames

Cherry: Hames?

Cherry: Ah, fuck.

Cherry: James.

It was the two vampiors from the cleering earlyrs the other day! Except for the gai who i kiled with the rock!

Asahi: At least you remembered you killed one.

Asahi: With a rock.

"I THOGUHT I TOLD U TO FUCK OFF" I voyced at them. Then they got up from the blud on teh grund.

"bitch plez im a teachor now" sed the guy in the leathur bicker jackit.

Briar: He teaching history? Tracking?

Cherry: I’d be fine with him teachin’ either.

He luked realy evil unlike edowerd and me.

Asahi: You’re the evilest one here.

His hare was even moar black then before and drapped down to his feete. Hiz faec was covered in fucking uglee peersings wich maed him luk like a transvestite.

Briar: Ah yes. Transphobia. Such a brave thing to explore.

To his side was his ladee, the biotch with the minijeen skurt so teeny dat you culd see her you-no-what exsept not anymore becuz she was wearin flor length jeens so loung that you culdnt see her shoes anymore. She hade a wors dres sens than bella wich i didnt thuink was posibul.

Cherry: An your style is any better?

"wich meens we can disciplin u now for kiling our leeder you runt" the biotch sed. She tuk owt a mikerofone from her purse and he tuk out a gitar from his back and they both ekwipped their wepins and began to use them atme!

Cherry: Wait… this a rock battle now?

Asahi: They’re a band of rockers. Oddly not surprising.

"DO YOU NO WHO I AM" I SCREEMED AT THEM.

Briar: An abusive, manipulative, psychotic fiend.

I tuk out my Catana and my shotgun to show them that I was a stroing independant womin! But it didnt stop them so i screemed for hlep!

Asahi: What happened to you being a “Strong, independent woman”?

Cherry: At least try before ya start screamin’ for help!

"EDOWERD" I stated but then i remebered that i was done with taht trayter's bulshitt so i scredmed for sumone else "KASPOR! REMMET! ANYONEEE!" but it hade no afect so i ran down the hal paste mr cleerwater.

Briar: She had a gun and a sword, she could have at least stood her ground.

Asahi: She’s a fake, what do you expect?

"stop this is a violashin of skool rules you despicabul dunce" mr cleerwaetr he sed to me but it was to late becuz Hammes and Vitorio kiled him with theyre bad muzik [AN: ROUCK IS STUPID AND REBECA DOEZNT LISEN TO IT]

Cherry: Well fuck you!

and by hiting him with their gitars and pursus. I new he was ded becuz then they beheded him and then ate the hed! Hten they kept cuming for ME!

Briar: Eating the head seems excessive. But who am I to judge.

"WE ARE GOIGN TO AVENJE FORAUNT" Vitorio methodiculy wispurd in my direkshin. We had run trhough the siense wing of the skool and were now in the halth wing. [AN: furks high is atachde to the hospitul]

Briar: Is that—

Asahi: I don’t think any school is attached to the hospital.

Cherry: But it explains how Bella got released back to class so quickly.

"ill sav u rebekka!" it was JACUB who had an AX!

Asahi: Why not turn into your wolf form? That’d be more effective than an axe.

He was shitless and stading in the hal with an axe and his musculor bild and tan skin maed me horny rite then an there. He had hade a harecut and now he luke d like a cros between Brad Pity and Chanin Taytim and Zaeck F-Ron and Nail Patrik Harrus (eksept withut him beign gau) Exsept jakub is a native indien.

Cherry: We get it. He’s sexy.

"WYH ARE U DOIGN THIS" Jakub axd [AN: Hahaha GET TI!?].

Briar: It’s a bad pun.

"ITS BECUZ I LOVE REBECA" Hamees sed! Jakub and me and Citoria all GASPED!

Asahi: Excuse me?

Asahi: No. Nope. Get that crap out of here!

Asahi: We’re not doing this stupid love triad today. No we are not.

Sudenly everyting in the wurld stoped and the spotlite was on Hames who had jsut professored his undieign luv to me.

"Yes its true even tho i use u for sex Clitoria i dunt realy loev you" he sed.

Cherry: One; rude of ya to use someone just for sex.

Cherry: Second; what the fuck? Clitoria? That’s just insultin!

But he saw stil runign toewerds me so i had to housely dodj the atack. Then he got on 1 foot and stated to plau his gitar at me. He stated singing Im a B by the Blaeck I Ps which I haet becuz onlee loisers listen 2 mainstreem muzic.

Cherry: I hate when they bring music into this!

Wile he waz serenating me Jakub choped of his arm with hs ax and then Games ran away likea bithc. Jakub was sweeting and painting and he piked me up with his arms and tuk me away from the sene. It was so hot liek out of a bluckbuster movee.

 Asahi: Lame.

Asahi: Very lame.

"I am going to taek you to owr leeder Rebeca" he sed. I didnt liek his rurry fiends but i wuld deel with it becuz i wuznt in a situashin to argeu at the moment.

"who is ur leeder" i asked as he carryd me paste all of the karnage.

"luk for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS...

Cherry: Sam Uley. The leader of the pack is Sam Uley. At least until Jacob splits and makes a different pack.

chapter 19 - The wearwolvs

"Look for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS... LEYA CLEERWATER!

Briar: I mean, I’m not against her being the alpha.

Briar: But, why?

Leya was stading dere with her platinom hare with yellow hilites swiging back and forth in the wiund. She hade a lether halter top on with a mathing corset and skurt. She had a batleax ekwiped in her belt and she luked like a pierit in her owtfit wich was awsum becuz piraets are cool.

Cherry: Damnit! I hate when I gotta agree with her!

To leas left was her bruther seth cleerwater

Briar: Ah, right. The one who raped Bella in this.

and to her right was her cuzin samiel gangee. They both luked like indiens with there shurts off.

Asahi: They look like Native American’s because they are.

I rememred seth frum the day that he raeped bella. It was a sad storee actuoally for bella but mostlee for seth. You see indian wearwolfs do this thing caled imprisoning were they imprison on some1 and then luv them forever. Its so romaentic.

Briar: No, it’s not romantic, it’s called kidnapping. It’s illegal. The fact that you find it romantic is actually pretty messed up.

Briar: And it doesn’t justify what Seth did to Bella at all.

Enywayz I lerned frum Clemmet that seth imprisond on him and tha they were GAY for each oher [AN: REBECA DOEZNT H8 GAYZ CUZ GAIS ARE HOTTT THOGETHER ONLEE TRANSECUALS ARENT THEY DUNT NO WAT THEY R]! (rosey was okay with dis becuz she thinks guy on gui is hawt)

Briar: Hrm. This makes me want to be very violent.

Asahi: Agreed.

But Seth didnt waent to be gay so he tryed to repreve his innur demions. First he went to Carliel the collins father who is also a priest to get an exsorsism but it dindt wurk.

Cherry: So Carlisle went from doctor to priest. Odd career change.

So he rapped dat fucking whore bella in frustrishin to be normal. But he was such a biotch it didnt wurk and he cryed the entier tiem.

Asahi: Doesn’t justify what he did to Bella.

But it didnt wurk and then he went all emo becuz if he was gay then he culdnt b a wearwolv anymore. Jemmet culdnt b with him becuz of the wearwolv thuing. Now thungs are bettr becuz seht jsut rejects that part of himsefl.

Cherry: You reject the gay part of you or the werewolf part? Cause you can’t do that for either.

"JACOBO" Lea scremed angrilee waving her battleax baeck and forth

"WAT" he scremed back waving hsi own ax back and forth

Briar: You’re werewolves, not angry lumberjacks.

"Why hav u brught her here to owr secret base" she askd pointing at ME! I was too shiocked to speek!

"she is on our side now" he sed. I luked dreemily into his face as he spoke. His wolfy sent was makin me so fuocking horny waaaay hornieer than edowerds ever did. I dont no why i even bothered with that stupifd hore of a man becuz he was always staking bella before i caem here enyways.

Asahi: I have a solution for all of this! Rebecca can be with Jacob, that way Jacob can stop being an obsessive creep over Bella. And then Bella and Edward can be together like they are supposed to be.

"She can help us defete the evil overlorde!"

"You meen..." I sed and then pauzd and covered my mouth with my hand and then my otha hand... he wuz talking about the onlee person wrose than bella in fourks... "U meen ESME!?" I scremed?

Cherry: I honestly forgot she was even in this story. She got one mention and nothin’.

Cherry: But now she’s an evil overlord? Respect.

"YES! HER!" he sed puting me down gentlee on teh grund. "she is the master of the collins... and the onlee thing stoping us frum being normal!" he sed ultimatly into my faec.

Briar: Isn’t it cause there are vampires in your location in general?

We maed eye contect and i instately new that we had waaaay more kemistree than that fuocker edowird and me did.

Asahi: Then take my advice!

"but waite how are u immune to the virus" i askd assurdly to all 4 of them. Leya was the onlee 1 to steep forwerd to ansur my qwestion.

Cherry: Why are you immune?

"we have super strength" she sed vicariusly.

"oh ok" I sed assurd.

Briar: That… doesn’t explain your immunity.

"so rebecca will u hlep us to defeet the collins" seth sed sadlee. Then I remembered that kiling all of the collins wuld meen dat demmet the luv of saths lief wuld aslo dye. He wuz being braevr then any1 i no by folowing his clan insted of his hart. I new then dat I HADE to do this 4 seth and semmet.

Cherry: I see you’re quick to murder Edwards family.

Cherry: Who’s the true traitor here?

"but wait how can I help" I askd.

"there are secret polise at this skool who want to stop us wearwolfs. Sum of the collins work for all fo them. Agenla used to be a part of there fors but then she defeeted. If we defeet esme then rosalees spuy netwurk will HAVE to shut down!

Briar: Or the assassin and very capable woman that Rosalie is will kill all of you without any effort.

Briar: Ah but that’s just poppycock.

And U can get baeck to edowerd and truck him into letting u into there hose!" Lea scremmed!

But waite! i didnt waent ALL of the collins to dye! Onlee that fucking biotch esme!

Asahi: Look, listen, if you let one of them live, that’s one person who will likely seek out revenge against you. You have to kill them all.

Briar: I have to agree with him.

Cherry: Nip it in the bud before the circle of revenge can start.

"lets not kil all of them" I bargind.

"yes ur rite we will onle kil esme and rosaless if she gets in the way. Jacob go with her to compleet the misshin im trusting u" Leya sed.

 AN: I got moar h8ers. h8ers goign 2 h8 is all ill say EKSEPT FOR U:

Cherry: Ya only open yourself up to the hate.

Radiant As You 10/15/12 . chapter 18

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS UGLY, DISGUSTING, STUPID PIECE OF SHIT?!

NO FOUCK U! UR THE DISGUSTIN STUPID PECE OF SHIT!

Asahi: Actually, no, that’s you, Author-person.

chapter 20 the virus resistense

Jakuv and me wer runing bak down the hal thru the siense wung of the scool to find a way owt. All fo the dors wer lockd by polisemen who wer locking down the scool becuz of the virus.

Asahi: Completely understandable. Don’t want it to spread.

i wuz abut to braek thru to the outsied with my catana wen al of a suden jacubu stoped me.

"dont do that rebeca they al cleerlee hav guns" he sed. He hade groped me arm to stiop me and noraly i wuld stop him but he wuz so fucking sexxxxy in the briught sunlite that i didnt minde tha t he diddnt do wat i waented.

Cherry: There’s the root of your problem. If someone does what you don’t want them to, you stab em.

"i can taek them" i told him.

"no we hav to try and sav as meny pepul as possibul" he told me. He wuznt liek ediwerd at all. He wuz waaay smarter and wuz aslo tryign to sav as meny pepul as possibul.

Asahi: That mean’s he’s nothing like you, who only looks out for yourself.

I new den dat it wuld hurt to evar be neer deowerd agin becuz he wuz such a biotch cumpeard to jakub.

Briar: And look at who made him that way.

We raen down teh hals sum moer. Jakub was sweeting sexily and riped the leggs of hsi paints offf. So basikalee he wuz runing with shorts on and he luked liek a boodybilder. Meenwile my purpul raben hare wit royul goldin streeks wuz sexilee floewign in the wend as i ran.

Briar: You love brining up your hair blowing in the wind, don’t you?

Asahi: We should consider getting a counter for that.

i tuk of my shirt as i ran becuz it wuz coverd in goer and al i had on wuz my reed sportz brah. My boebs wer jigling baeck and forth as i raen but not dat much so wtf u thinkign reedor.

Cherry: Yer the one who took off her shirt and brought up her boobs jigglin’. In all honestly what the fuck is up with you, writer?

Then as we came to alicia and tanishashanqua who wer stading outsied the scool labratoree in the halways.

"yo my homie wassup" tashinaquansha asked. we stoped to se wat alicai and tanisha wer dogin.

Asahi: So far Tanishashanqua is the only one I legit like. Probably because we see so little of her.

"why are you all stil in the building" jakub askd inquistionalee. I steped behinde him to get a luk at his sexy endien wearwolg ass.

"we r trying to stop the virus by creeting an antydoote" alicai asnwered. She had a darkk red lab cioat on wich mathced her blud red dyed hare.

Cherry: Lab coats make people more attractive.

"yea were goign to fend a solushin to this problem maerk my wurds" tanishashanqua also sed as she steped owt of the lab and itno the hal with alicai jakub and me.

Asahi: You’re trying to fix the problem you started, I am impressed.

She didnt haev a lab coate on but she did haev nerdi glases to hlep her see her experimints. Her hare luked normel for onse wich was nise becuz normaelee it dusnt.

"tanishashanqua! How r you saef?" i aksed!

"i can anser dat mothafuocker" i herd a voyce and it wuznt anyone who i had seen resentlee... it was MR. CHOKOLOVE! (mr coholove is tanishashanquas fathor).

Briar: Oh, no. What a twist.

"ive given tasniahshanqua immunitee" he sed. "i am wurkign wit the fbi to distrbiute a cuer to the redst of the scool" he expeled.

Asahi: So you just happened to have already whipped up an antidote to give to your daughter for a virus that Alicia just made this morning?

Asahi: Kind of suspicious, if you ask me.

"thats why the coips stoped invadin" alicai cuntinued. "so loung as an antidute is posibul theyl wate for us to finis befoer dey try to kil us al."

"how can we hlep" kacub ased. I thught jacub was a retard for not doin the mishin but then i realizd dat he wantd to find a way out without hurtign othars.

Cherry: Wow, harsh words from someone with the IQ of a squirrel.

"we nede u to goa nd taek this anteedote and get it to the principul!" alicia sed.

"okay i wil do it" jacub sed!

"NO NOT YOU" alicai intruded! "REBECA IS THE ONLEE ONE WHO CAN DO THIS" she sed!

Briar: If this doesn’t turn out to be an elaborate trap to get Rebecca killed, I will be quite upset.

Asahi: We all will be.

Cherry: I’ll throw my skateboard at the screen.

Then she gaev me the vyle conteining the cuer to the virus! "wen u get it to the prinsipul rebeca u wil haev to injekt the vyle into the air sistem of the scool!"

Cherry: Wait, why would that be in the principle? Why not in a room?

Asahi: Logic. This story is allergic to it.

"oh ok sure bye the way do you no were edowerd is" i inturestinglee qweshtined to the 3.

"wat dost thou want tavern wench?" edowerd sed to me costily as he came.

Briar: Now, now, no need for harsh words.

Briar: The tavern girls are much more respectable than Rebecca.

I wantd to maek edowerd feel bad so i began to cry faek teers. He thught that the teers wer becuz of my undyeing regriet but it wuz actuly becuz i realy hated to se that stoopid fuickers faece. I mean juda fucking dammit i shuld hav just choped of his you-no-wat when i wuz baeck in da boys lockor rum.

Asahi: Why does anyone find her attractive? She is the most unpleasant person I’ve ever read about!

Asahi: Edward you can do so much better!

"You wild motha fucker edowerd appearin! Yo cauzin hela drama n shit nigga" chocoluv angrilee sed waving his vyles around!

"Edowerd" i stated as i wuz faek crying "I wanted ot say that im soree for screeming at you earlyer but ur jsut so meen!" i lyed unanimusly.

Briar: You accused him of being a traitor because he admitted he’d like to have sex with you, his girlfriend.

Briar: You’re in no way mentally sound.

I kept crying and den everyune in the rum got supa pised at edowud. Jacob luked liek he wuz abut to chop of edowerds hed with his ax. Edowerd luked relly sad and den he sied and fround.

Cherry: An everyone is takin her side?

Cherry: Wait, I shouldn’t even be surprised.

"watever i forgive you" i sed. Then he luked hapy and edowerd jacub and me al went to the prinsipuls offise so that we culd finaly get out of the fuckign scool.

Asahi: What happened to “Rebecca is the only one who can do this!”?

Asahi: Ah, right, pointless love triangle.

Chapter 21 – vs prinsipul

Briar: I guess we know who’s dying this chapter.

The run to the prinsipals ofise was very diffcult. We had to run over seven bodys every tiem we turned down the hals. Edowerd wuz glarring at jakub the entier tiem probably becuz jacub haz super fucking hot abes and edowerd was jellus liek the major fuocking biotch that he is.

Cherry: I swear, if Rebecca actually gets back together with Edward after treatin him like this, Imma be so angry.

Briar: At this point, there’s nothing she can do in this story that won’t anger us further.

But that doesnt mater becuz we wer at the prinsipuls rum and then we prepard to saev the scool. Edowird unshowd his nails and jakub got his ax ready and i tuk out my shotgun and catana.

Asahi: I’ve to respect her for being able to wield a two-handed sword and a shotgun at once.

We entered the dur and then we saw the rum. The prinsipul wuz behind his desk starting evilly at things. He was baled and luked older then my dade. He hade a big red butin on hsi desk wich i culd tel was maed out of maypull trees. Wen he saw us he got up and loked rally scrary!

"WHAT THE FUOCK DO YOU FUOCKERS WANT!?" he scremed luodlee!

Cherry: I assume that when ya scream, it’s loud.

"we are heer to put an end to this madnes" i scremed. I poynted my shoutgun at the biotch and then shooted the gun at him! He fel ovar blooding everwer on the flur.

Briar: Why did you kill the principle? You literally had no reason to!

Asahi: And here I thought her murdering Charlie was the most pointless of her violence, this takes the cake. Guy just stood up and yelled and he gets killed.

"is he doth dedeth?" inkwiyured edowerd

"NO OF COURS NOT!" Prinsipul scremed amasignlee! He got up frum the grund and then got back in his chare!

Asahi: I stand corrected. Guy is able to tank a shotgun shot from close range. Impressive.

"but how are you not ded!?" ased jacobo!

"I AM A VAMPIOR SLAYOR YOU PATETIC DUNSES"

Cherry: That… doesn’t explain how ya tanked a shotgun blast.

and then the prinsipul tuk out a steak and a jar of holee water! Then he juped the desk and begin to try and staek edowrd in the faec. He wuz realy fast! If i wuznt expeerynced in combat frum al of the violinse today i wuldnt hav ben abul to folow him but i did anyways!

Briar: Because it only takes one day of violence to be a pro fighter. Never mind the months or years of training that you’d need.

I atakcd him four tiems with my sord but he demoted the atac every tiem! He made a big circul with his body and centerd the atack on edowerd! But lukilee Jakub used his ax with grate atack at the prinsipul and hit the prinsipul off edowird.

Asahi: I’m trying to follow this, but the mental image I get is just them moving about like idiots.

Asahi: Which is actually probably rather accurate.

"YOU MISERABULL IDIETS!" the prinsipul shouteded! Then he throo the holee water at edowird but he dodjed fastlee the atac! Insted jakub got hit and then he was coverd in bunrs and scabs!

"OHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUCLK" scremed jakub as the holee watur burnd his purfict beyutiful hot sexay skin.

Cherry: Ah…yeah…no…

Briar: In no incarnation are werewolves harmed by holy water. Jacob should be perfectly fine.

"SHIT SHTI SHIT SHIT" he kept scremeng as he bunred! I was so fuocking infurriatd. How daer he hrut JACUB!?

Asahi: “Only I can hurt my men!”

I tuk out my catana and struke Prinsipul in dedlee combat! I swun my sord at him 1 2 tiems but he jupmed sevural feete in the aer and clung to the seeling! Then edowrd juped for HIM! But it was a false becuz Prinsipul was so strong!

Cherry: The principle just a spider or somethin now? Clinging to the ceilin’ like that?

"YOU INFERIER NITWITS" Prinsipal was strong he toke edowerds arm mid flite and then threw edowedr thru his desk braking it! Then prinsipal dropped on toop of edowerd!

"THOU ISTETH DOTH A FUCKERETH" scramed edowerd as prinsipul snaped his neck!

Asahi: Eh. He’s in a better place.

Cherry: Yeah, even after all these chapters, can’t bring myself to really care for ‘im.

Even tho i haet that fuocking rapist basturd

Briar: He never raped you. He never harassed you. He was your talking doormat.

I stil felt bad becuz nobuddy dezervs that kind of treetmint.

Asahi: Unless your Bella.

Then he threw edowerd thru the wal and into another rum! "DOTH WENCH!"

"GOD FUOCING DAMMIT EDOWERD STOP DYEING ON ME!" I scremed! He got out a steak and began to stalc edowerd as he was recumpensing frum the strugul but NO! becuz then i throo the catana rite thru Prinsipal's stomick wit al my mite!

Cherry: Of course ya did.

Cherry: An everyone clapped, didn’t they?

"AH! AH! AH! AHHHHH!" Prinsipul scramed as he fel back. As he was faling i ran up to him and stabed him agin and agin 78 tiems.

Asahi: Talk about excessive.

I wuz so extreem becuz he had alsmot kiled edowrd and jakub. Then i throo the prinsipul across the rum and put my catan away. I ran ovar to that dying fucker.

"Why did you do this" I aksed him. "We jsut wanted to help the students."

Briar: “Because you fucking shot me out of the blue, you bitch!”

"The biotch esmay wuz goign to kil me anywayz for faeling! I thught that i culd kil edowrd who ive alwayz nown was a vampoire!"

"then you deserve this you fucker" i sed as i shout my shotgun into him. Then i did it agin and agin and a furth tiem (this last one in the hed) jsut to maek sure he wuldnt cum back and try to raep or stabe me.

Asahi: Rebecca, listen. I know this is hard to swallow, but; no one wants to rape you. In fact, no one wants to even touch you. You’re just that unpleasant to be around.

Blud wuz everywer. I had kiled the prinsipal. I didnt waent to do that but i haed to. He wuz so violenta he culd hav kiled sumone.

Cherry: Hrrrmm!!!

Cherry: Pot. It’s Kettle. You’re black.

Anywzys I put the vial into the aer condishiner and then the antivirus stated spreding thrughout teh scool.

Asahi: Hooray.

Asahi: Everyone would have been better off dead, but we can’t win them all, can we?

Chapter 22 – Escaep

The vyle wuz in the aer cundishener and then the condishiner was spreding thru the vents.

Briar: I’m impressed the vents can withstand something so big and undoubtedly heavy going through them.

I culd smel the antydote efecting everyune in the scool. I think that savign evereeone heer wuz an akt of redempshin for kiling the prinsipal. I rally felt bed abut that becuz

Cherry: Because…?

Asahi: It’s redemption for killing the principle. But what about your redemption for killing Charlie? Or for abusing Bella?

"jakub are youu okay!?" i scremed wile runingn ovar to his scabee bodee.

"What the fuock do u think" he sed. He was sexily coverd in brewzes.

Briar: Bruises and burn marks are two very different things. Trust me. I know.

"let me help you with my beyutiful signign voyse" i sed as i begin to sung beyutifuly at him. I sung born dis way by ladee gaga.

Cherry: The sound was like nails on a chalk board. Ears began bleedin, glass cracked, a bird outside the window died from the sound. Jacobs burns got worse.

Sudenlee jakub got up frum the grund his scabes faling off. Then sudenlee his hare began to turn bloo. His eies met mien an then i instatelee new wat i wuz in for.

Asahi: His hair turned blue?

"Rebeca i new i did the rite thing when i decidd to sav you" he sed dreemilee. Then he fel on toop of me and we began to kis litelee. It wuz so perfect. Then edowerd got up and luked at us and then powted and the left becuz hes nothing but a jellis biotch.

Briar: I swear, if they have sex…

"yo homie wats up" tanishanqua sed as she and alicia and mr chocoluv enterd the rum. But i wuz stil kiding jakub so then they stoped. "yo that bitch crayyyy" tasniahshanqua sed as she and alicea and Mr chovoluv left the rum. Then rosalee caem into the rum.

Asahi: I want some rum.

Cherry: Same.

"normalee id fuock u up biotch but u did okay today so il let u off the hook." She sed, puting her guns away. She had onlee 1 bullit hole on her chest meening that she kiled a LOT of coips today. Poor copis.

Cherry: How dare the cops stand up against a queen?

Enyways for unce i wuz so happee that i didnt even get angree i jsut smiled and basked in hapiniss.

"jakub" i asked

"yes" he sed, holdign me

"does tihs mean that weer together now?" i asked

"mmhmm" he sed kising my forehed as the sun set.

Briar: So yesterday she was all over Edward. Today she’s all over Jacob. Is she going to be all over someone else tomorrow?

Asahi: Probably.

Chapter 23 – The house

So after we left scool all fiev of us (not mr chocoluv he cant leave the scool sincs hes a teachor) went to my hose to get rid of the evidense.

Cherry: Since when do teachers live at the school? He’s allowed a life outside it, ya know.

Tasniahshanqua was on my rite Jakub was also on my rite Alicia and Edowerd were on my left. We got to my huose.

Asahi: Because where they are in position to you is that important.

Asahi: Not.

"are you sure you want to do this" i edowerd asked me.

"yes i am sure" i sed lukign over into jakubs eies. I new that i had to atoen for my sins just liek judah wuld want me to do.

Briar: Is she actually going to atone?

Cherry: Answer is no.

This was the first step in doing it. I tuk a pieces of wud from the house and then lit it on fier. Then i throo the fitre into the house and it all began to burn down.

Asahi: Look, you can’t just burn down your house to solve your problems. Now the police and firemen are going to flock to your house to investigate why it burned down.

Asahi: Really, you just made things worse for yourself.

"Yo Moon where are you gonna live now?" Tanishashanqua asked politelee. I nodded my hed to her.

"she can cum live with us" alicia sed. I was happe becuz this wuld give me a chance to completd my misshin!

Briar: And she hasn’t forgotten the mission. Surprisingly.

I luked ovar to jakub who looked depressd becuz he didnt want me near that fuocking sick motherfocker edowerd but i new what i had to do.

Cherry: Edwards done nothin’ wrong! You asked him a question an he answered! All this did was make him think he can’t be honest with you.

"yeah sure that wrks" i told her faking a smile. I wuldnt mind living with alicia even when she drug deeled but living wiht edowerd was going to be realy awkwurd.

Asahi: Yes, your one-day boyfriend is so awkward to be around.

Then i saw sumone wakjing toewrds us fiev. Her name was Claritee Etude Simphonia [AN: SHE IS BASD OF MY FIEND CHELSEE!] but we jsut caled her Krystal becuz looking into her eies it was like looking into cristals.

Asahi: Of course. Just what we needed; more OCs.

Krystel is one of my best frends she was kidnaped when she was born by the Vulture

Briar: So vultures kidnap people now instead of just eating corpses. Good to know.

who then rased her to be evil and they kiled her mother and father and her uncles and ants comitd suiside becuz they wer so depresed like major fuokcing retards. Then she escaepd but she becam a vampire becuz of it so now she lives in forks.

Asahi: Forks is just the hub for every plot-convenient thing and person, isn’t it?

Sumtiems she stil remembers it but its okay. She wants venge on the Vulturi becuz they are ashoes.

Cherry: Understandably so.

"hi rebecca how is everting today" she asked but then she saw my hose burnign down so then she screemed "WHAT THE FOUCK WHO DID THIS". She got out a gun wich maed alicia get out her gun and maed edowerd get out his nales and make jakub get out his ax. (Tanishashanqua also got a gun out becuz alicia had given her one earlyr to defend hersefl).

Asahi: Now shoot each other.

Asahi: If this works out, only Tanishashanqua will survive.

"its okay dont woree we have a plan" i told her stayig calm. She was assurd of my intelijence and then she smiled.

Cherry: What intelligence?

"rebecca who is that major fucking hotty!?" she asked me giggling. I giggled to. I whispered into her ear.

"weer totalee going out isnt it awsome!?"

"you go girl!" she sed and then high fived me and then left.

Briar: If we’re lucky, we won’t see her again.

Asahi: We can only hope.

But her leeving maed me really sad and I didn't no why. Then i luked to my house wich was burning down and i began to fell bad. Why culdnt I be a normal gurl like Krystal?

Cherry: Pfft. You call her normal? Ya even read the backstory ya gave her?

Why do I haev to be chased by fucking rappers everywhere i go and and why did i allways haev to live this kind of life!?

Asahi: Raps not that bad.

I DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS SHIT WHAT THE FOUCK!?

Briar: It’s called karma. You’ve done a lot to get some very bad karma.

"Rebecca is sumthing rong" sexily asked jakub as he caressed over to me, regarding me shroedlee. He huged me in front of everyone but it had no effect.

Asahi: Careful, man. She might stab you in the dick for touching her. And then call you a rapist.

"Everything so fo unfare!" i scremed to him angrilee. "Why cant i just be plane like the rest of the wurld and pepul heer!? Im too gud at things and i kepe having pepul fal in luv with me! ITS A FUOCKING CURS JAKUB HELP ME BRAKE IT!"

Cherry: Wow! I’m getting’ major My Immortal vibes from that one!

Cherry: An correction; you aint good at shit.

I wus crying now becuz to be honest i was foucking sick of this lie f.

Asahi: Then you can always kill yourself.

Cherry: That’s a bit harsh.

Asahi: Just listing the options.

"dere dere its okay" alicai sed pating my back as the hose funishd burning down. She always new what to say to cheer me up wich was gud. "lets go back to my palce and get sum taco bell okay" she sed.

"I FUOCKING HATE TACO BEL ITS NOT ENVIYORMENTALY SAEF" I sed crying

Cherry: I take back what said, Asahi. You’re right.

"okay den" she sed and we went off to get sum vegan orgaenik fud and then go to Edowerds house. [AN: EET ORGAENIC ITS WAY BETTER FOR THE ENVIYOURMINT THEN FAST FUD!]

Cherry: Meat is organic. Lettuce is organic, cheese is organic. You can’t convince me otherwise.

AN:

im not even replying to the flaems anymoar becuz honestlee you guys are fuockers who are stating hurt my feelings just LEEV ME ALOEN IF YOU DONT LIEK IT JUST FUOCK YOU FUOCKERS I CAENT STAND YOU ASDAJSLDKFSD

Asahi: You brought it on yourself by ignoring every piece of advice you were given. You were told to improve your spelling. If anything it’s gotten worse. You’ve been told your storytelling was bad. You let it get worse. And then you blame and whine and cry.

Asahi: No wonder people are attacking this.

Cherry: Bah!

Cherry: All this readin’ and complain’ got me hungry. I’m hitting the snack bar.

#Twilight #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin

[auburnfamilynews]

Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

Tough loss, frustrating loss... see our thoughts from right after the game.

Yesterday felt a lot like the Florida game, except that we didn’t play from behind for the entirety of this one in Baton Rouge. Auburn lost to LSU by a field goal, and had every chance to not only lead for the duration, but possibly pull away. Inaccuracies from Bo Nix and the steady inability to find running room up the middle doomed a great defensive effort by the good Tigers, and now Auburn sits at 6-2 overall. What did we think? Find out below:

SNAP JUDGMENTS

Not good enough on offense to win these games. No sign that we will be at any point. Great on defense. Whatever.

Fastest player in the world, 3 catches, 33 yards, 0 touchdowns.

-Son of Crow

This defense is elite, don’t judge them on getting burned late. They played some 95 snaps.

Derrick Brown is in the discussion for best Auburn defensive lineman of all time. He may not have the sack numbers but the way he shuts down interior running is insane.

Throwing that ball before the half was the correct call. Was it the perfect play call? I don’t know, it wasn’t the best ever, but it wasn’t bad. If Seth high points the ball (like he does ALL the time) that’s a drop at worst, PI or catch at best. He had the inside position.

Bo has to be better. If he hits those slants in the 3rd quarter and just gets the defense some rest and field position, Auburn wins. Ultimately, the game came down to him in the 4th, and it was too little too late. He’s a freshman. As frustrating as it is, that’s what you have to expect in August when you decide to start a true freshman. You’ve got to let him grow, and no, you can’t just yank him for Joey.

Should Joey have played more? Yeah, probably. But guys, let me break it to you — he’s not a better passer than Bo. You pick a young quarterback, YOU HAVE TO LET HIM DEVELOP.

The hopes for winning the SEC are pretty much dead. Let’s go mess up somebody who still has dreams. The season’s not a loss.

-Ryan Sterritt

Incredible job by Kevin Steele. For most of the night, AU only had 4 guys in the box and 3 DBs on the field. Jamien Sherwood basically was a hybrid S/LB and was outstanding. AU’s defense faced something like 90 plays and gave up only 23 points. They never quit battling and gave AU a chance at the end that seemed impossible to comprehend.

Offensively, things are a mess. Gus’ offense is predicated on running the football yet his senior laden OL can’t move anyone with a pulse. As a result, he asks Bo Nix to sling it but Bo Nix isn’t ready to sling it. I don’t think benching Bo fixes the problem, but I would give Joey a series or two just to see if it injects some energy. But the root ill of this offense is they failed at recruiting elite OL the last 2-3 classes and don’t have the sheme to run an RPO spread attack.

Still think this team beats UGA and you never know with the Iron Bowl in Jordan-Hare. But, it’s hard not to be frustrated watching another defensive masterpiece wasted.

-AU Nerd

Auburn’s defense deserved better. As we’ve come to know over the last few years, they play their tail off and have nothing to show for it. Holding that offense to 23 is mighty impressive and if Auburn’s offense would have just mustered a bit more, OR finished drives like the first one of the second half, we’re having a different discussion right now. I’m amazed at how our offense disappears in these types of games. And only 3 touches for Anthony Schwartz? I don’t get it. You aren’t gonna win games with 15 penalties either.

Whether you like it or not, Gus is gonna ride or die with Bo. I’d like to see Joey get a few more snaps too, but it’s not going to happen. Gus even said postgame they never considered going to Joey.

The Auburn offense will probably hang 45-50 on Ole Miss so we can sit here and wonder where that was in Baton Rouge. I think a 3-1 November is realistic and mabe LSU can go beat Alabama... maybe.

On a positive note: at least we don’t have to wait a month for Auburn Basketball — just 9 more days!

-Will McLaughlin

The offense couldn’t have played much worse and we lost by 3 on the road to the #2 team in the country. Kevin Steele pulled a 3-1-7 defense out of nowhere and gave the country the blueprint to beat LSU... if you have Derrick Brown and Marlon Davidson.

The bad news is LSU made a ton of mistakes and failed multiple 4th and shorts. We can’t count on those stops against UGA and Alabama.

Watch this jackass LSU team lose to Bama. I’ll go ahead and make my pick. Bama 42-27.

-James Jones

I’ve deleted this and rewritten it now three times because while I’m frustrated, I’d rather not react out of emotion. What I’ll say is that we’re stuck. Stuck because of personnel that isn’t good enough to whip equal or better competition across the line of scrimmage. Stuck because the best option Auburn football has at quarterback is a true freshman. Stuck depending on a select few skill position players to bail us out instead of having everyone in a position to contribute. Everyone is frustrated with Bo Nix right now, but I’m telling you, our lack of ability to consistently run the football is the problem with the team. Is Bo Nix ready to beat LSU in Death Valley or Florida in the Swamp? No. No he’s not. But we aren’t good enough up front to bail him out. Is this group going to be good enough at home to ruin Georgia and/or Alabama’s season? That remains to be seen. It’s not what we sign up for at Auburn, but it is where we are today. Stay with this team. Their best game is still in front of them.

-Josh Black

Auburn didn’t win. They could have! There were a lot of chances. Auburn just couldn’t run the ball the way they needed to win. Auburn has two losses to teams that are a combined 15-1. Two losses on the dadgum road, in two of the toughest places to win. Luckily, Auburn doesn’t have another road game this season. Four more contests, all at Jordan-Hare Stadium.

-Josh Dub

***GUEST SNAP FROM LYDIA***

I’m not saying that there aren’t things to criticize, or that everyone needs to be a sunshine pumper. Flaws exist in both wins & losses, but they’re always magnified in a loss.

— O&T Eternal Champ of the Week (@AUSquid) October 27, 2019

Man, it really sucks to know that with the smallest improvement from a pretty terrible game, Auburn wins this one. If Bo Nix hits just a couple of those rough misses, it snowballs. The middle opens up for the run, or the defense gets some rest, or the offense gets momentum, or he gets confidence and hits more. I know the main issue with the team is the lack of true ability to run the football reliably, but we didn’t need to yesterday. This loss hangs squarely on the shoulders of Bo Nix, as tough as that is to say. There were plenty of opportunities to move the ball through the air, and he just couldn’t give the receivers a chance. It wasn’t even that we had drops, or good defense by LSU. More often than not, the ball was completely uncatchable. That’s how close we are, though. If Bo goes 50% through the air, Auburn might have run away with the game. Instead, it’s a 23-20 loss.

There isn’t any more that can be said of the defense except that they may actually shut out Georgia the way the Bulldog offense is going right now, and we’ll win a 6-0 ballgame at home (how hilarious would that be??), and we’ll have a chance to really slow Bama down too. The difference between what the Auburn offense has been on the Plains versus everywhere else is impressive. In the end, Auburn’s lost to two teams with a combined one loss, and the overall record of our opponents is something like 40-24. If we finish 9-3, this is a successful season. Split Amen Corner, and get a chance for 10 wins in the bowl game. Don’t give up on this team, because they’re not going to give up on themselves.

-Jack Condon

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2019/10/27/20935121/snap-judgments-2-lsu-23-9-auburn-20

#IFTTT #Blogger #auburn #auburn fast #wareagle #AuburnFamilyNews #war eagle #sec #football news #aubu

[marisol-jimenez-blog]

The Interview:

(TW: short description of a panic attack included in the answer to question 10.)

So, tell me a little bit about growing up. What was your childhood like?

The first word that comes to her mind is: confusing.

People always used to ask her when she knew she was deaf- she would always shrug, pretending it wasn’t the stupidest question ever. Born deaf, Marisol had never known any different. When did you know you could hear, asshole?

Living in a world where she sees people’s mouthed moving, but not able to hear any of the sound coming out, or even knowing she should be hearing sound. Confusing was putting it mildly.

Of course, once her family had realized she wasn’t reaching critical milestones that young children should reach, like responding to sounds, they’d tried to help her. Hearing aids and lots of doctors appointments, but there was no use. Once when her oldest brother, Aaron, ran over their mailbox with his brand new car, she’d heard a soft crash, and then some scraping sounds. Things that hearing people seemed to find loud enough to cover their ears were small whines in hers, occasionally bangs, or crackling when third oldest brother, Jason, played his guitar with his amp all the way up.

So her father set every free moment to learning ASL and teaching her mother and three older brothers. By the time Marisol was seven, her whole family could sign to some degree, and it’s just one of the many things she’ll always be grateful to them for.

Marisol took a deep breath to steady her shaking hands before typing out one word on the computer in front of her.

Loving.

What about your relationship with your family?

With the previous question, it’d been avoidable. It was easy to write off her childhood as all about her hearing, or lack thereof. But once she and her family could really communicate, it started to occur to Marisol that despite their love for her, they really didn’t understand her. She always wrote it off as the hearing barrier, but as she got older and more comfortable with herself, she began noticing it wasn’t just hearing that came easier to the rest of her family.

Aaron was a football star, Eric a budding merit scholar, Jason a musical prodigy, and her two younger brothers, Nathan and Mitchell, had yet to find something they didn’t naturally exceed at.

Marisol, on the other hand, stayed up until dawn doing homework. She ran track, and trained even on weekends to beat her high school’s record for the fastest 100-yard dash… a title which was held by her father.

A lot to live up to in every aspect, but Marisol wasn’t a quitter. Her mother wanted her grades high, and her father wanted her perfect in every other aspect. No dating, no tight clothing, just her, her grades, and her running. Living up to her family’s standards was exhausting, but Marisol knew it would be worth it once they looked at her like they had looked at Aaron when he’d found out he’d gotten into the University of Alabama to play football for the Crimson Tide.

Things had only become harder when Marisol, the late bloomer she was, developed her Nova ability and became the first Nova in her family.

But still, she could feel the tears prickling in her eyes as she typed.

I love them. I miss them. We weren’t perfect, but we were happy.

Are you the only Nova in your family? Or were your parents Novas too? What about any siblings?

The answer came easier this time, but, so did the tears.

Yes, it’s just me.

Much like everything else in her life, Marisol had been alone in this battle, too. She was seventeen when it began really developing- as if being a Deaf teenager striving for perfection wasn’t hard enough.

What’s your ability like? Is it easy to control or harder? Do you even like it?

This time, Marisol laughed. A short, bitter chuckle, despite the fear that curled in her gut just remembering.

When she was seventeen, her vision had begun changing. At first it was like waking up with sleep-stuff in your eyes, and having to rub it away. Or when you stand up too fast and your eyes go fuzzy for a minute. That was it, but with colors. Bright pinks, blues, reds, just little hazes out of the corners of her eyes on occasion.

It happened increasingly, especially when she was around lots of people. In the grocery store with her mother, or at Aaron’s football games. Jason’s concerts were especially blurry (don’t even get her started on the fact that she was even dragged along to concerts despite the fact she can’t fucking hear) Green haze clouding her vision so intensely that she had to shut her eyes.

So, it was more doctor’s appointments, and pitying looks from her brothers, and her mother fussing over her. And the terrifying thought that perhaps she was going blind, too.

But that wasn’t it. In fact, it was almost the opposite.

People always told her that her being Deaf wasn’t a disadvantage, but rather something that gave her different advantaged than others. She always just related it to how she can have conversations across a room with ASL, or how her other senses were hightened.

Marisol vividly remembers sitting with Jason one day, him speaking to her while she practiced reading his lips, and a wave of yellow and red coming toward her from his mouth. It was more focused than the hazes usually was, and she reached out to it… and actually touched it. She could feel the excitement behind his words as he told her about the new song he was writing.

And that was how she figured out it wasn’t the loss of a sense, but the development of an ability. A new advantage.

It’s hard to control. The sound waves just sort of come at me a lot of the time. It can be overwhelming. But it’s also the closest I can get to hearing. To feeling as extrordinary as my brothers. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

How would you describe your personality?

Of all questions, she hadn’t thought this would be the hard one.

It wasn’t until she was in the safety of Yalena’s Sanctuary, not too long before the raid, that she had the time to realize… she didn’t know who she was. Without the constant pressure of her family, or the constant fear of being caught as a fugitive… who had she become?

She’d been trying to figure this out when the Wardens came. She supposed she still had some thinking to do, but she typed what she was sure of to E.R.I.S.

Scared.

And she supposed…

Honest.

What do you think your greatest strengths and weaknesses are?

Marisol ran a hand through her hair. Who the hell did this barely-there bitch think she was, asking all these questions? Marisol owed her no answers. No one did. Hadn’t they been through enough?

Strengths and weaknesses? What a joke. All anyone ever cared about, even before E.R.I.S. was Marisol’s biggest strength and weakness.

Strength: her ability. Weakness: Deaf.

Even though she herself didn’t see her lack of hearing as a weakness at all. And sometimes her ability was more of a pain in the ass than a strength.

That was all she was to anyone.

But there were other things to her. There had to be. Like her ambition- that got her through high school on the honor roll and into a good university on a track scholarship. Her kindness, her perception and ability to analyze things, even before her Nova ability had surfaced.

There was also her anxiety, the constant fear, her analytical side never giving her a break and over-analyzing. The fact that, even though she was nice to everyone, she trusted no-one. Except for Riaan, she supposed.

Marisol merely shrugged.

Where and what were you doing the day the Nova Protection Act was enacted?

Just barely nineteen, Marisol had her last track meet the day the Nova Protection Act was put into action. She was racing and coming in second place when it was officially announced, and by the time she turned her phone back on in the locker room after the meet, there were hundreds of text messages from her brothers, and missed calls from her parents.

She could still see Jason’s text message.

“Nova Protection Act? Good thing you’ve been training to run your whole life, little sister.”

She pulled out of university and went home, and the Jimenez’s came up with a plan.

Into the computer she typed: Losing a track meet.

She wanted to add “along with my life”, but thought better of it.

Did you immediately run? Or did you try to obey the law and report to the Anti-Nova Force?

Marisol blinked at this. It hadn’t even occurred to her that there had been other Novas that might have actually turned themselves in. She felt sad for them.

If you were a Nova, would you turn yourself into something literally called the Anti-Nova Force? Sure the fuck not. I ran.

How have you survived this last year and a half or so? Did you have any help or were you all alone? How did you find Yalena’s Sanctuary?

Marisol shook her head. She really tried not to think about it.

I stayed with my brother for a while. But it got too dangerous, so I ran again once they started the Siege.

She remembered the look on Aaron’s face when she’d said goodbye. He hadn’t been awake. She’d packed her things in the night, written him a note, and kissed the sleeping dope’s forehead. She remembered how good he’d been to her for the month she was there, even letting her sleep in his bed, while his back cramped up on the couch. For the boy that had shoved her around most of their lives, he was turning into an okay man.

I mostly squatted in abandoned buildings. Never stayed anywhere too long. I was lucky, I had money from my family. So I wasn’t starving like some of the other Novas I ran into. I didn’t travel with anyone, too hard to do when you can’t easily communicate with them.

Marisol could still smell the pizza she’d bought and shared with a few younger Novas while she’d been on the run. They’d been so tattered, and looked so thin, she didn’t think twice before giving it to them, only taking a slice for herself for an excuse to get a few more minutes of human contact while she ate.

One of Yalena’s scouts found me. I was trying to buy a car, get around faster, get a warmer place to sleep. But life’s hard without a Biotag. That scout and Yalena saved my life.

What were you doing when the raid happened? How did you respond to the flood of Wardens? How quickly did you go through Yalena’s portal?

Marisol closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Her hands were shaking worse than before, she knew that if she opened her eyes she’d be able to see the tiny soundwaves from her fingers chattering as they shook over the keyboard.

It was like she was there again.

She’d seen the soundwaves before it happened. She’d almost, almost, heard them kick the door down as they entered.

Marisol had been drawing when it had happened. Remembering soundwaves coming from Jason’s guitar, and drawing it from memory with broken crayons she’d found.  

She saw people screaming. People fighting. Stood up to see what was going on, and watched as Yalena opened a portal, Wardens and Novas charging around her.

She’d frozen with panic. Yalena was yelling, everyone was yelling. Telling her to go through, she assumed. Or to move, so they could. She didn’t know for sure- she’d been too scared to read their lips. Too scared to do anything, even though she was barely a few steps from the portal- from safety.

Someone had pushed her through. Or pulled her. Or knocked her through by accident. She didn’t know which, or even who it had been. It was a blur of bodies and Wardens and lots and lots of black and brown and grey and red soundwaves. Feeling like her youngest brother, Mitchell, was sitting on her chest. Gasping for air. Knees buckling. Literally falling through the portal, landing face first in safety.

Opening her eyes, Marisol shrugged again.

What has living in The Imperium been like for you? Do you feel safer than before? Is it better or worse than on the run, or Yalena’s Sanctuary?

Marisol thought for a moment. Safer than before? Before when? Before she’d become a Nova? Absolutely not. Nothing was safer than that. Safer than before the NPA? Nope. She scrunched up her nose, looking E.R.I.S. over. She would have thought an AI to be far more specific with its incessant questioning.

Clearly you’ve never been on the run before.

She felt safe, safer than the Sanctuary. And she’d hated being on the run. But she missed Yalena. And she was terrified for all the Novas that hadn’t made it through the portal.

The last question. If war broke out between Novas and the humans, which side will you be on?

Marisol stood up, kicking her chair over. Manners be damned.

This time, no longer too anxious to use ASL, but instead too furious not to, she signed her answer.

Novas are humans.

#bio #about #hcs #(the hare; i run fastest when it's away from my problems) #still working on these tags #i can't decide

[celticnoise]

CQN concludes our EXCLUSIVE three-part feature on Celtic hero John ‘Yogi’ Hughes who celebrated his 77th birthday on Friday.

Today the former Hoops fans’ favourite names the players he hated facing during his goal-laden career. We hope you enjoy another edited extract from Hughes’ acclaimed autobiography, ‘Yogi Bare: The Life and Times of a Celtic Legend,’ co-authored by Alex Gordon.

BOBBY SHEARER was known as a combative type of defender. I could think of other expressions for the Rangers captain. He had been playing for the Ibrox side for five years when I first came into the Celtic team in 1960. He was twenty-eight years old and would have played around two hundred club games by the time I met up with him. It would be fair to say he was an experienced right-back. And I can tell you he used every bit of that know-how when I played against him.

Oh, let’s face it, he was a dirty wee so-and-so. I’ve talked about him elsewhere, but I have never revealed he was, in fact, the most difficult opponent I played against. Okay, I was only seventeen at the time and was hardly well versed in the less genteel side of the game. Bobby Shearer, over a decade older, was well aware of that deficiency in my make-up and he exploited it every time we came face to face in an Old Firm confrontation.

I could run quicker while wearing a deep sea diver’s gear than the Rangers defender, so that aspect was never going to be a problem. I could get the ball at my feet and amble up to him. My game was about acceleration, pace and power and there would be no stopping me once I got away from Shearer and into my stride. Easier said than done. Bobby, who was built along the lines of a giant Corn Flakes box, would let me knock the ball past him and then he would simply take a step to the side and block me off. Blatant obstruction, of course, but I was amazed at the amount of times he pulled the stunt and got away with it.

I got wise to the obvious tactic and then he started to use his elbow. He found a spot just under my armpit and he would drive his elbow into that tender area. The referees either didn’t see it or didn’t think it was a foul in the first place, but, believe me, it was bloody sore. During the pace of the game, it might not have looked too obvious, but I knew it was a foul. So, too, did he, but he kept on doing it as long as he got away with it. That was for another five years and then he took his special ‘skills’ to Queen of the South in 1965.

HIGH JINKS…John Hughes, without the attentions of Bobby Shearer, goes for a cross along with Rangers keeper Billy Ritchie.

He only played thirty times for the Dumfries side and retired from playing the following year. That was good news for outside-lefts in the old Second Division. I wonder why he earned the nickname Captain Cutlass?

I hated playing against Shearer, but one bloke I did look forward to squaring up to was Dundee right-back Alex Hamilton. Actually, where the Rangers man relied on strength, Hamilton actually possessed skill. Someone, though, should have told him he wasn’t as good as he thought he was. He was chosen to play twenty-four times for Scotland and was seen as a colourful character. He believed he was one of the top defenders in the business, but I never had any trouble when I faced him. Like Shearer, he was a lot more experienced than me and maybe he thought I could be talked off my game. He was wasting his time.

I would get the ball wide on the left and take it forward where he would be waiting. He would stand off me and say, ‘Go on then, lad. You think you’re fast? Hit it down the line and we’ll chase after it. Let’s see who wins.’ The first time I heard him make that challenge I was just slightly taken aback. Was he really testing me in a race? It was one I was happy to accept.

I pushed the ball down the line and hared after it. I could hear Hamilton trying to keep up with me. No chance. The next time I received a pass there was the Dundee defender in front of me again. Surely he had learned his lesson? Remarkably, he was throwing down the gauntlet again. ‘Go on, lad, hit it down the line,’ he urged and away I went. Time after time. He was an absolute dream to play against and I have to say spotlessly clean in his efforts to get the ball – whenever he got close  enough to me. Thankfully, that wasn’t too often.

Alex – whose nickname was Hammy – was in the Scotland side when I made my debut against Spain in 1965. I quite liked him, he was a bubbly sort of individual off the field. I thought he was pulling my leg when he informed me he believed he had a future as a pop singer when he quit football. He told me he was quite a good chanter. I took his word for it, but you can imagine my surprise when I later found he had released a record with his band called ‘Hammy and the Hamsters’. Well, what else would you call your band? Music lovers everywhere can now sigh with relief. ‘Hammy and the Hamsters’ released only one record and was restricted to the Dundee area. You might recognise the name of one the backing singers in the band that never seriously threatened The Beatles. It was Craig Brown, who is probably better known as being the manager of the Scotland international team between 1993 and 2001.

DUTCH AND GO…John Hughes escapes the clutches of Wim Suurbier to put pressure on Ajax keeper Heinz Stuy at a high ball at Hampden in 1971.

Another bloke who always gave me a run for my money was former Ayr United right-back Dick Malone, who was a team-mate for all of fifteen minutes in my brief stop-over at Sunderland. Dick was tall for a full-back – almost the same size as me – and he played with the unfashionable Somerset Park side for six years between 1964 and 1970. He was a top-class athlete and I wonder what he might have achieved if he had got a move to a bigger club earlier in his career and I mean no disrespect to Ayr United when I say that. He played over 160 games with the part-time outfit before he got his chance in England.

Like Alex Hamilton, he played you the proper way. He didn’t try to kick you or threaten to half you in two if you tried to beat him. We had a few good contests during his years at Ayr United. Ally MacLeod was there, of course, during his first managerial spell which started in 1965 and lasted until 1975 when he left to take over from Alex Ferguson at Aberdeen. Ally was an exuberant individual and I thought he was great for football. He was nicknamed ‘Muhammad Ally’ after his extravagant boasts about what his wee team were going to do to the likes of the Old Firm and other top sides. ‘The Fastest Gums in the West’ was another moniker.

He talked up his team and, fair play to him, he encouraged them to play attacking football. That suited Malone because he liked to launch into raids up the flank and I had to chase after the defender to close him down. He was a strong, reliable player and Scotland must have had an awful lot of good right-backs during his playing days because his international appearances were restricted to one Under-23 cap. His story has a happy ending, though. He played alongside my brother Billy when Sunderland beat Leeds United 1-0 to lift the FA Cup in 1973. He certainly deserved that success.

I was glad Wim Suurbier played his club football in Holland with Ajax. I wouldn’t have fancied meeting him two or three times a season. I played against him when Celtic beat the Dutch side 1-0 in a European Cup-tie at Hampden in 1971. I was completely impressed by his athleticism, reading of play and speed all over the place. He rarely misplaced a pass and was composed throughout.

Mainly, I enjoyed playing at the national stadium with its wide playing surface. Most of the time, I could get some joy galloping up and down the touchline. Big Jock would roar from the dug-out, ‘Run him, Yogi, run him.’ I had to persevere and wait for that moment when my opponent made a mistake or took his eye off the ball. That was the moment to pounce and create havoc. As far as Suurbier is concerned, I’m still waiting for that first error.

His performance that evening in Glasgow was about as flawless as any I can remember from a defender in direct opposition. He just looked so comfortable on the ball, neat and tidy and his timing while coming forward was impeccable. Play could be away over on the opposite flank, but he instinctively knew when to belt forward and I realised I had to go with him to attempt to snuff out the threat.

He was a complete professional and he won three successive European Cup medals with that fabulous Ajax team. He picked up sixty caps in a very strong Holland international team and I wasn’t surprised to learn he was playing in the Indoor League in the States when he was almost forty years old. You require good control in that very fast game and Suurbier had that in abundance.

As I said earlier, thank goodness he made his living in Holland while I was still playing.

CQN READERS! Don’t miss more EXCLUSIVE features from Celtic heroes in the forthcoming weeks. 

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#CelticNoise #Celtic #CelticFC #CelticQuickNews

[auburnfamilynews]

Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Ready to spend the entire month of November at Jordan-Hare?? We are! It starts here.

Yes, we’re all disappointed in how things went down in Baton Rouge, and the vast majority of the fanbase expressed some form of frustration with the way that things were handled in what very well could have been a huge road win.

Now, Auburn is back at home for the rest of the season. We’ve done all of our trips, and lost at the current #1 and #6 teams in the country. Not bad, but this team hasn’t come close to reaching its peak. With Ole Miss coming in before a bye week, this is the opportunity to start climbing the ladder. Will we do it? Find out below:

#11 Auburn (-19) vs Ole Miss (O/U 53)

(I will do this paragraph in the style of the Auburn offensive preparation)

TiGeR mOvE bAlL wElL. dOeS fOoTbAlL tHiNgS.

In all seriousness, Auburn should have no problems here, the defense will be the defense and the offense will look like they have ‘figured things out’ since the Rebels, while competent, don’t have the talent Auburn has. That normally adds up to Gus looking good. It’s just sad that the postgame will be, HEY! WE FIXED IT! No you didn’t and we will find that out in 2 weeks when we lose to Georgia by 3...ugh.

Tigers 44-17

-Drew Mac

Auburn has shown a willingness so far this season to lay the wood on bad teams despite struggles against better ones. Where Auburn has struggled in passing success rate (simply, staying ahead of the sticks), the Ole miss defense has been just as bad or worse in giving up those consistent plays. The difference is that Ole Miss also gives up a ton of explosive pass plays, while Auburn can at least do that. On the other side of the ball, the Ole Miss offense is hot garbage outside of kinda being able to run the ball, but I wouldn’t exactly say they’re good at it. Particularly, they can’t run between the tackles (95th in the country in running backs being stopped at or behind the LOS), so I fully expect the Auburn defense to beat down this Ole Miss offense. Maybe I’m missing something here, but I want a bloodletting. The Ole Miss offensive line probably isn’t good enough to hold Derrick Brown or Marlon Davidson, and I expect them to let out some frustration while running free. Also, give DJ Williams all the carries.

Auburn 41-6

-Ryan Sterritt

I think auburn is still a really good team in a league with two great teams. Ole miss is not one of those. Ole miss football is a corpse being drug around by a guy with two first names who is probably really nice and doesn’t deserve this at all.

I’m not sure what the Rebels do well, but I bet it isn’t “run the ball against incredible interior defensive lines” or “defend dynamic receivers and a quarterback who plays really well at home.” Bo Nix is all we have now. So he had better stay healthy. Looking at you offensive line.

Auburn 40, Ole Miss 12

-Son of Crow

Auburn finally returns to the friendly confines of Jordan-Hare Stadium and they ought to be pissed off about how things went last week and ready to take it out on somebody. That somebody is Ole Miss who continues to rotate QBs and has wins over Arkansas, Vanderbilt and Southeastern Louisiana this season. Auburn needs to take care of business early and give some other guys the opportunity to play. I think DJ Williams showed last week he’s a pretty capable running back and he needs all the carries to get some experience for Georgia and Bama. It appears a change on the offensive line is imminent and it’s way past time to try someone else at center and to shuffle the line up a bit. Defensively, you can’t ask for more from a unit that held LSU last week to half of their season average in points. As I said in Snap Judgments last week, after all the criticism of the offense, watch Auburn go out and score 40-45 this week.

Auburn 44, Ole Miss 17

-Will McLaughlin

Auburn returns to the Plains with another loss against another top 10 team in another hostile environment. And hoo boy people have some #takes on it. Bottom line on this Auburn team is that when they have needed to help a true freshman quarterback by effectively running the football, they have…honestly met my very low expectations. This is, after all, the same offensive line we saw collapse oh so often last season. They’re a year older, a year wiser, a year strong, and they’re still close to their ceiling in terms of ability. But hey, at least their decent at pass protection since we most definitely will have a newfound appreciation for Bo Nix if that falls apart down the stretch!

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s appreciate some things about this team. They have a championship caliber defense. Never forget them. They’ve won a lot of games for us that we aren’t competitive in without them. Y’all remember those punt coverage issues? Those got fixed. Pass coverage and tackling has been outstanding. And DJ Williams! The running back who probably is best suited to start regardless of Boobee’s health did nothing to make us doubt him in Baton Rouge. Another thing to remember about this team is that they win the games that are more about us than they are about the opponent or the environment. Which brings us to game 9, the 7th of which Auburn completely dictates victory or defeat.

Keys to victory

Pass to set up the run. Not a popular theory among football purists, but necessary with this offensive line. They simply can’t move the line of scrimmage straight up. So loosen a defense up early and often. Yards on the ground will suddenly appear!

Get Bo Nix the hell out of there if we’re up 17 points or more in the 4th quarter. We’ve got to have him healthy.

I’d like to see better play on the outside defensively at the line of scrimmage. Ole Miss is gonna want to run often. It would be nice to see our defensive ends/Buck play within themselves and not get lost in the shuffle.

We saw what DJ Williams did with 10 carries. Let’s give him closer to 20. Feed this kid and get him comfortable with the speed of the game. He’ll be a difference maker the rest of the way.

Give us something, anything in the way of creativity in the pass route progressions. Bo Nix is a freshman, but he’s been at his best when we run pace and just let him play ball. It’s clear he’s overthinking things and it’s not helping. Sometimes simplifying things for a player isn’t so much about the playbook, but more about attitude. Let him see the whole field (I do not believe he currently is being coached to read the entire field), and live with the decisions he makes. It may result in a turnover. It also may result in the maturation of a generational talent at quarterback who was thrust into this job too soon because Kelly Bryant ended up at Missouri.

Auburn is going to win the football game, convincingly. Auburn 52 Ole Miss 10

-Josh Black

At the beginning of the season, I said that Auburn could be a very good football team and go 6-6. Auburn could also be a very poor football team and still go 6-6. The schedule was that difficult. 6 easy wins, 6 difficult wins. Here we are, 8 games in, and Auburn is 2-2 in those toss-up games. Yes, in hindsight, A&M is not the juggernaut we believed they’d be in August. But Auburn played 4 tough opponents, all away from home, and won two of those games.

That being said, the current perception of this team is based on one important thing: Auburn beats the tar out of lesser opponents. Auburn scored 21 points in the first 6 minutes against Mississippi State (which I believe is the fastest Auburn has put up 21 points since at least 1995) on their way to a 56-23 rout. Auburn dominated Arkansas 51-10 in a brunch game. The perception of Auburn depends on Auburn running out of the tunnel Saturday night and absolutely obliterating Ole Miss. Auburn has to start fast and finish strong. We all know the defense will do their job. That’s not who I’m worried about: this offense has to have another game similar to Mississippi State. Bo Nix has to be great. Not to get the win; there’s a large enough talent game between the two schools that Auburn could beat Ole Miss playing their C+ game. No, Nix needs the confidence. 4 home games remain. No more hostile crowds, no more travel, no more new stadiums. Bo Nix has 4 more chances to become Auburn’s future star quarterback. That has to begin Saturday night. There’s a portion of this fan base that believes there is a large conspiracy about how a coaching staff, with all their jobs on the line, would deliberately start a quarterback that wasn’t as good as the backup. Unfortunately Bo needs to go out there and prove them all wrong.

Likewise, Gus Malzahn needs to call a great game. The fans need it, yes, but the team needs it more. Trust your guys - all of them! We have a great team with great players! Trust them. You trusted them against Mississippi State and Arkansas and Texas A&M and Oregon. Trust them again against Ole Miss. And then against against Georgia.

Everyone assumed Auburn would beat Ole Miss at the start of the year. When that happens, and you lose the way you lost against Florida and LSU, you need to beat the opponents you’re supposed to beat. And you need to win big.

Auburn 59, Ole Miss 14

-Josh Dub

This is Auburn’s true trap game of the year. Against Mississippi State, Auburn had the revenge angle to stay focused. Auburn will always be ready to play when facing Arkansas under Malzahn. However, Ole Miss is the exact type of opponent that could trip up the Tigers. Facing a not awful team following an emotional loss on the road, a very big game looming in the distance and some drama off the field with a well liked teammate leaving has all the makings of what could be a frustrating night in Jordan Hare....

But not against this defense. Derrick Brown, Marlon Davidson and this crew will show up ready to go. The Rebels strength is running the football something this defense takes pride in shutting down. I fully expect this senior laden unit to come out & set the tone early. It will be up to the offense to respond. I think they do, behind a big game from DJ Williams and a much better performance from Bo Nix, Auburn pulls away and wins comfortably to setup another possible top 10 matchup in two weeks. Auburn 48 Ole Miss 17

-AU Nerd

Ole Miss isn’t very good on defense outside of Benito Jones, and that should help Auburn get right on offense. Jones will definitely be a menace, especially against the weakness of Auburn’s OL. This needs to be a game for Shivers and Schwartz to attack the perimeter early to open things up for DJ Williams later in the game. Not to mention that we could really use another solid game from Jordan-Hare Bo Nix.

On defense, I worry about Ole Miss using the same philosophy. There were able to move the ball well early on Texas A&M by using their speed on the perimeter. Auburn must tackle well in space, something they’ve done well all season.

If Auburn starts fast, we should get a full helping of Jordan-Hare at Night in an absolute bludgeoning. If Auburn starts slow on offense, I don’t think it will take much for the crowd to get frustrated. Look for Auburn to defer if they win the toss, get an early stop, and try to take a shot at a big play down the field. Hit those checkboxes and covering shouldn’t be a problem.

Auburn 37, Ole Miss 13 (Auburn covers, under)

-James Jones

Time for some of the fans to calm down. Gatewood’s gone, we lost a really frustrating game to LSU, and the sky is falling even though about 2-3 teams might be undefeated with our schedule. Ole Miss is the perfect medicine for this situation. It’s been explored that Gus knows how to beat up on some bad SEC teams, and he’ll take the time to try and get Bo Nix right against the Rebels. We’re back at home, where Bo’s been good, and we’re going to get into rhythm before the bye week and Georgia. Auburn essentially has two games left in the season that really matter, and this one ain’t one of them unless we lose or win really close. We’re not going to do either of those. The LSU loss galvanized the team two years ago. I have no idea if it’s going to do that again in 2019, but it won’t matter this weekend against Ole Miss. D.J. Williams goes nuts with about 20 carries and a couple of scores, while Bo gets back on track a little bit and tosses three touchdown passes with no turnovers. Auburn gets to 7-2 and heads into the bye week to figure out the backup quarterback situation.

Tigers 48, Rebels 10.

-Jack Condon

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