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crushing-on-nico-di-angelo · 3 years

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This is kind of a random question but...

Do you know why people hate Rick Riordan?

I just have no information, and I’ve seen a lot of stuff lately talking about how he’s problematic.

hi!! yes, I've seen things about this as well. I can list the reasons I've seen. I don't agree with all the points made, but its just what I've seen and I think it may answer your question. I also recommend going through the tag #rr crit, as it will give you a lot more and detailed information regarding him (beware: there are quite a few buzzwords. I recommend taking the facts and forming your own conclusions). I also think it's important to note that many people don't hate him, but they acknowledge that since he's a cishet white man there's things he didn't handle well and he needs to listen to critisicm.

Completely mishandled Piper's native American heritage. From the feather in her hair, to her dad being from a reservation that doesn't exist in Oklahoma, to having kaleidoscope eyes (some say that it suggests brown eyes aren't beautiful enough for aphrodite, more on this in the next bullet), to being a kleptomaniac, her character is, ignorantly or purposefully, chock full of stereotypes. having a cornucopia being her weapon. when Rick was told that this isn't good he became defensive and didn't listen to any critisicm

not giving female characters chances to be young, or not have a boyfriend or be unconventionally attractive. if they do get to not have a boyfriend, they're thrown into the Hunters of Artemis. their eyes are anything but brown (I do disagree with the eye thing but it's important to note), suggesting that having brown eyes should be considered less than. Sadie got a 1000 year old boyfriend when she was 14. 13 year old Hazel had a 16 year old boyfriend-- that could be a seventh grader and a junior or a freshman and sophomore depending on how you look at it (and I LOVE frazel, don't get me wrong. the age gap is just,,). in fact, the only female non-hunter without a significant other I can name is Meg, and she's 12.

Sadie Kane and the fanart he boosts of her. he frequently shows her looking completely white, despite saying she "stood out in class for being mixed." It honestly wouldn't surprise me if a white girl were cast to play her in the Netflix movies.

treatment of characters with invisible disabilities. this can range from the coment of "You anemic loser" targeted at Octavian (as someone with an iron deficiency, I don't see anything wrong with it, but cmon. kids can see that, rick. you can't control anemia) to Clovis' chronic fatigue being treated as a joke. invisible disabilities are hard and just as painful as physical ones. it doesn't help if you treat them like that.

too much misogyny to list all of it, but we can start with young girls being expected to be, and acting, more mature than they are; the strong female characters portraying the "I'm not like other girls" trope; the entire way Hera was treated.

The way Nico's outing was handled (this is one I especially disagree with, and this post said it best, thanks ghost). A violent outing by the God of love taking place before Nico was ready, according to some, was not what younger gay people needed to see. he should have had a loving environment and, at the very least, it should have been from his own point of view and not Jason's.

anti-acne and fat phobia: Apollo having a deep hatred towards his acne and Frank's glow up including severe weight loss (not being a cuddly teddybear anymore, getting taller) isn't the best thing for kids who have acne or are fat to see.

Samirah al-Abbas: "reversing the stereotype (Rick's words)" of an arranged marriage by having her be in love with a distant cousin is... not reversing the stereotype at all actually. it just falls into it. Having her take off her hijab around floor 19 because they feel like family is also not great, because, to my understanding as a non-hijabi and non-muslim, that is not how being hijabi works. similar to the piper situation, when Rick was told that this isn't good he became defensive and didn't listen to any critisicm

ANTISEMITISM, ANTISEMETISM, ANTISEMITISM. this is one of the ones I agree with the most. Having Hades' children be Nazis, having a plot point revolve around one of the most traumatic events in world history, ignoring the fact of generational trauma and ignoring the fact that It Didn't Matter That It Took Place In World War Three, it could have not had any correlation to the death of over six million Jewish people. it legitimizes evilsurrounding Hades and death, and -- well, this one makes me so mad, I can't explain all of it so here is a post explaining more in depth

Slavery issues: similar to the holocaust, Rick Riordan made one of the most terrible issues in American History into a fight between demigods. this lowers the legitimacy of the issue, makes it seem fictional, makes Camp Jupiter seem terrible and awful, except it doesn't. because camp Jupiter isn't terrible. but the confederacy was. if children, especially white children, learn about the confederacy through camp Jupiter, it makes it seem way less bad than it was.

again, I don't agree with all of this, it's just reasoning as to why. in my eyes, Rick Riordan is a man who has grown in his telling of his stories. he started with a canonical all white, all straight, all cis cast. he has now a series featuring a latino genderfluid queer person. This Post said it better than I ever could.

I know that it's impact over intent in so many situations. and this isn't to say I disagree with all, or even most of his critisim. I just think that he has good intent, and I hate him for absolutely none of it.

I am gay, I am Latino, and I am trans. that is all I can speak on, and I think his rep for that was great. I hope this answered your question, dear anon. again, I encourage you to do your own research and form your own opinions. I only touched on a few issues that Rick has had and there's a lot more to be talked about. I would say to keep in mind his intent and his growth. thank you for the ask, thank you for directing it to me that made me feel happy lol. ily I hope you have a good day

if anyone else has anything to add, by all means please do!!

#rr crit #ask #anon ask #you can click that tag dear anon!!#pjo #percy jackson and the olympians #piper mclean #nico di angelo #samirah al abbas #long post #rick riordan criticism

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mindfulwrathwrites · 4 years

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What Does Transness Feel Like?

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One of the most common gaps in understanding I see from cisgender (“not-trans”) folks is that they find it extremely difficult to conceptualize what transness even is. The frame of reference is simply non-existent, and this can make it very difficult to have empathy for the kinds of things trans folks go through on a daily basis. Common questions include: “How did you know?” “How can you feel like a different gender?” “Why does it matter so much what people call you?”

And I get it, I do. It’s hard to understand something you’ve never experienced. So, for the cis folks in my audience (i.e. those who identify completely with the gender they were assigned at birth), we’re going to go through some thought exercises.

I will also add this caveat: every trans person is different, therefore every trans experience is different. I can only explain from my own frame of reference and try to highlight the most common commonalities I’ve seen in the community. If you really want to “get it,” I encourage you to talk with a diversity of trans people—trans women and trans men, nonbinary trans people (masculine, feminine, both, other, none of the above), trans people of color, disabled trans people, Jewish and Muslim trans people, etc. etc. etc. There are a lot of trans experiences that I personally don’t experience.

Example 1: Physical Dysphoria

Think of a close friend or family member whose gender is different from yours—for preference, someone close to your own age, like a sibling or a partner. Imagine you wake up in their body.

Take a moment to look at yourself from the first-person perspective. What do your hands look like now? When you look towards your belly-button, what do you see? When you look in the mirror, what kind of face is looking back? Remember that it’s your face, now, your hands, your body. What do you smell like this morning? What’s the texture of your hair, if you have it today? How tall are you? Will your clothes, the clothes you wore yesterday, still fit you? What does your voice sound like when you say good morning?

What are the differences between what you expect to see and what you do see? What if those differences are permanent? Is it okay if you can never change back, if you’re stuck in this body forever? Will you get used to it? Will you ever expect to see this new body, this new face, when you look in the mirror?

Would you try to get your old body back? How hard would you try? Why would you try that hard? If you couldn’t get your old body back, if your old body was gone (and the person you swapped with didn’t need theirs back), would you try to change the new one to be more like the old? What would you be willing to go through to have a body that almost fit, rather than one that didn’t fit at all?

In this example, the difference between what you see and what you feel, that mismatched expectation, is what lies at the root of my physical gender dysphoria. When you’re suddenly body-swapped, of course, you know why this body you’re in looks and feels mismatched—but imagine you grew up in that body. Imagine puberty, when these things that aren’t yours begin to appear in earnest. Maybe it would have been so wrong, so distressing, that you would have known right away why. Maybe you wouldn’t have. Maybe you weren’t aware that pain was not a normal part of growing up. Maybe you just didn’t know there was any other option.

If you grew up in a body that didn’t fit you, it might take you a long, long time to figure out why you were chafing. It might take some deep, rigorous soul-searching. It might take extensive discussion with other people who had the same problems and managed to figure it out. Many trans folks don’t figure out they’re trans until they’re adults, in their 20s or 30s or 40s or older, because they don’t have the frame of reference, either. Some never figure it out. I count myself lucky that I got there as early as I did.

Example 2: Social Dysphoria

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re pretty comfortable in your other-gender body for the moment. You’ve taken some time at home to get used to it, figured out how it works, and generally aren’t upset by it. You’ve accepted how you look and feel at this point, and you’re ready to get back out into the world.

Remember: you’re still you. Same name, same gender, same title and pronouns. Different body.

First question: how do you dress before you leave the house? Do you wear your clothes, or do you wear the clothes of the person whose body you’re in? Is it more important to match your interior experience, or your exterior appearance? If you dress in your clothes, will you be safe outside? Will you be laughed at, shunned, perhaps even assaulted?

Get dressed. You’re going to be late for work.

Let’s say you take the bus. Does the bus driver call you sir today, or ma’am? How do you feel when they do? Maybe it doesn’t bother you. Maybe you brush it off. You thank them—what does your voice sound like? Does it reinforce the bus driver’s choice of words? Does it match you?

Who do you sit next to on the bus? Who chooses to sit next to you? How do the other passengers look at you, and who are they seeing when they do? Are they seeing you, or just the body you’re in?

How did you dress this morning? Are you safe?

Let’s say you get to work with no further issues. Your coworkers call you by the name that goes with the body you’re in, use the pronouns that come attached. As far as they know, this is how you’ve always looked, how they’ve always referred to you. Do you correct them? Do you say, actually, no, today it’s different? If you asked them to accommodate you, would they? Would you feel safe asking them? Would you feel safe asking the same of your boss?

How do your coworkers talk to you? Is it the same way they’ve always talked to you, or are there subtle differences? Are you being taken more or less seriously? Who’s chummier all of a sudden, and who’s making you uncomfortable? Who are you making uncomfortable? Are you overreacting? Do you bite your tongue at the water cooler when somebody tells a funny story about you and six times in a row uses the wrong pronouns? Do you correct them when they introduce you to the new hire with the wrong name, wrong title, wrong gender?

All your documents, your email, the display on the phone, all have the wrong name on them, too. Does it bother you? Does it start to wear on you?

Breakfast was a few hours ago. Biology is calling. Which bathroom do you use? Which bathroom is it safe for you to use? Do you trust your coworkers? Do you really, really trust your coworkers? Or maybe you went out to lunch. There’s bathrooms at the restaurant, Men and Women. Which one do you use? Who will recognize you as belonging? Which would you be comfortable in? Where are you least likely to be assaulted or harassed? Where are you safe?

How did you dress this morning?

In this example, there is again a mismatch, but this time between perception and internal experience—for me, this is the root cause of social gender dysphoria. A trans person can be perfectly comfortable in their body when they’re alone, but inhabiting the social space of a different gender is, to a greater or lesser extent, distressing. It can be difficult to untangle social dysphoria from the fear of harm that comes with being trans in a transphobic society. Do I avoid wearing skirts because I don’t want to be seen as female, or because I’m afraid of being assaulted? I might like to wear a skirt, I might think they’re fun and comfortable—but I have a beard, broad shoulders and a square jaw, a deep voice. I am consistently read as ‘male’ when I’m out in public. Is it safe for me to wear a skirt outside? Is it safe for me to use public restrooms today? Whether or not I’m comfortable with my current presentation has an awful lot to do with who’s looking.

Example 3: Gender Euphoria

Maybe none of this is distressing to you. Maybe the answers to all of those questions up there are easy. Maybe none of it is a big deal.

But now, let’s say that after all of this has transpired, after you’ve been through a week or a month or a year of being body-swapped, imagine you wake up back in your body, just the way it was when you left it. All your scars in their places, every freckle right where you left it, your hair the right texture and your voice the right tone. Everyone uses the right name for you, the right pronouns, the right title. Maybe you’re absolutely elated! Maybe this brings such joy to you that you never, ever want to swap bodies again, even though being in the other body didn’t bother you at all.

This isn’t as a huge of a deviation from the trans experience as you might think—some trans people don’t experience dysphoria at all! And, in that same vein, some cis people do experience dysphoria—a cis woman who grows a beard may experience the same dysphoria as a trans woman who grows a beard; a cis man who is shorter than average may experience the same dysphoria as a short trans man.

Many trans people experience, rather than gender dysphoria, gender euphoria, where being in a body or a social space that matches their internal experience brings them great joy, rather than just an easing of pain. Even if there was no pain to start off with, occupying and presenting as their internally experienced gender, rather than the one they were assigned at birth, brings them immense pleasure and fulfillment.

Personally, I experience both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria. Being called by the wrong name or the wrong pronouns makes me feel physically ill. I detest the width of my hips, lament my lack of Adam’s apple, and get an ache in my chest when I have to stand in a group of other men who are all six inches taller than me. I hated my breasts so much that I had them surgically removed (I try not to say “I had my chest fixed,” because it wasn’t broken, even though it was deeply, intrinsically wrong for me). But I love my voice, love how it sounds when I speak and when I sing; I adore the shape of my jaw and the way my new beard draws attention to it; there is music in my name today.

From the age of twelve to the age of twenty-six, I was never, not once, comfortable. Sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I wasn’t, but there was never a time when I was comfortable.

It took less than six months of hormone replacement therapy to fix that.

I can’t tell you what the Trans Experience is. There are as many trans experiences as there are trans people. I hope, however, that giving you a window into my trans experience has given you a little more perspective, a little clearer frame of reference for the next trans experience you hear.

Be gentle with people, stand up to bigots, and for God’s sake don’t ask anybody about their genitals.

#31 Mar 2020 #tdov #tdov2020 #dysphoria #gender dysphoria #gender euphoria #long post

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devillainsarchive · 5 years

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🐾 meta;

Carlos and his mental state and disabilities (this is the best way i could think to phrase it). These are present in all my verses unless stated otherwise (like my mr robot verse where he has dissociative identity disorder).

I want to be very clear, this post will only graze the surface of deeper issues. I am also putting a majority of this post under a read more due to the some of the more sensitive topics, and I don’t desire to trigger anyone.

I want to also say, making this post has made me extremely nervous. As I don’t want to portray things incorrectly, or wrong. I am always learning, and striving to reduce the stigma and glorification of these things.

Additionally, this things are not plot points for Carlos. I will never use them to make his story more sad or more upsetting. I am not here to have them be a shock value. With writing about these things most of my nerves regarding this post that I have put off for months is the backlash I will get. If you want to talk to me about anything I say in this post, I ask you do it off anon.

Finally this post is not going to be addressing Carlos intelligence (ie his IQ score and how he is a prodigy where schooling is concerned). Certainly some of these things can feed into that. But his intelligence is something that deserves its own post.

Short list: things Carlos has (diagnosed and diagnosed)

Asperger’s

PTSD and C-PTSD

Anxiety

Depression

Schizophrenia

OCD

Insomnia

This is the longer list, essentially I go a bit into detail about each thing on the short list, explain my reasoning behind him having each thing, where I pull from canon to get the reasoning, a bit about the manifestations of each thing for Carlos. There will be cross over, so I may repeat myself on occasion.

Asperger’s (Asperger Syndrome)

Carlos’ Asperger’s is evident when you know the signs. Carlos struggles to pick on basic social cues. He certainly gets better and learns more when he is older. But as a young child, and especially all his time on the Isle, and when he first lives in Auradon. One of the most evident signs of this is that he will talk about things he likes typically mechanics and wires and machines without stopping to care about what his listener thinks about it. In Auradon he learns to stop himself from getting to far, and he always feels bad about it after. He cherishes people that let him talk.

Carlos is not loud, but he certainly has a wide vocabulary. While this is not incredibly evident, his annoyance with Reza’s vocabulary could lead to he knows what all those words mean. Carlos just knows how to use them in natural conversation. He does not understand normal jokes or humor, and it takes him a few moments to get a joke. In Auradon he gets better with those social queues, and learns how and when people are trying to be funny. Carlos may laugh but that does not mean he gets the joke. He also may not understand when he is telling a joke. This does not mean that Carlos can’t laugh or doesn’t know when to laugh, he laughs easily with Jay, and probably for a very long time Jay is the only one who can get a genuine laugh out of him.

Carlos’ is very aware of his surroundings. He notices small changes in things, and often changes in thins will bug him, and make him upset. He hyper-fixates this primarily on his desk in Auradon, and his desk in the hideout on the Isle, and the treehouse in the backyard of Hell Hall on the Isle. He knows immediately when things are wrong with it. This applies also to people around him, sudden movements, but for the most part Carlos associates that with always having to be on alert for his mother. His own interactions with people may seem odd, he may ignore them or seem rude, but he doesn’t mean it. This is where part of that callous demeanor comes from, but he is much better at turning that off and on than people realize.

Carlos also has his hobbies that he talks forever about, that he will ignore people for. This hobby is science and mechanics, and computers. He also enjoys binary code, and Morse code. One prime example of this is when he first ignores Evie when she meets him officially for the first time. He is focusing on building the machine that pierces a hole in the barrier. He essentially ignores Evie, until she makes a comment about the machine to help him make it work. Another example of this is from D1 where he is playing the video game. One other example is the fact that he has the period table of elements memorized this comes up as a way to calm himself down, when he is aware enough to calm himself down.

Last but not least Carlos has a serious aversion to touch. This plays into so many other things about him, and many things you will see on the list. Carlos does not like being touched. And touching him when its uninvited could lead to a various range of results.

PTSD

Carlos PTSD mainly manifests itself in the forms of flashbacks, and nightmares, and panic attacks. His PTSD is caused by his mother’s treatment of his as a child. His mother’s treatment of him, wont be discussed in great detail here, but it is traumatic for him. In short he was not loved or cared for. He had to do so much on his own, on top of his mother ordering him about. She burned him with butts of cigarettes, threw things at him, and treated him like a dog to the point of Evie thinking he was a dog because she could hear it. Dog jokes on the isle about him run rampant.

His triggers on the Isle, he doesn’t really care about. He still is in the situation constantly, so he doesn’t really pay attention. In general, and one he has control of, is the various dog nick names. He will get a bit volatile about being called dog names. Other triggers mainly include heals clacking, smoke, dogs (all dogs, and then just big dogs as he gets to know Dude), and touch particularly touch of his hair. These are his biggest triggers, and they are not his only ones. They also don’t always set him off. He has it all much more under control than he thinks he does. He is good at self regulating his panic attacks and knows when they come on. Flashbacks are his rarest form of manifestation. They are not always full on vivid images of things, but he often gets an overwhelming smell of his mother, and Hell Hall. Nightmares are his most common manifestation. He struggles to sleep, but when he does 6 nights out of 7 he will have a nightmare. He does his best to thoroughly exhaust himself before he sleeps in order to not have nightmares (and to not disturb people, namely Jay). They mainly manifest in Auradon.

His PTSD can get very bad, especially when he has a full flashback. His full flashbacks are generally brought about when he thinks he is being threatened. They come mostly from fear of being touched, mainly if he thinks someone is going to strike him, or if someone is yelling at him. He has full flashbacks very very rarely, but he has had them. One of the most prominent times he has had one is on Parents day when Audrey’s grandmother, and Chad yelled at Mal, Evie, and Jay.

Carlos has both PTSD and C-PTSD. There are certain events from Carlos’ childhood that cause PTSD, but the ongoing abuse he suffered is what gives him C-PTSD. PTSD includes reliving the trauma through nightmares ( referenced vividly in book 4 ) and flashbacks both of which Carlos experiences. He avoids situations, and when he can’t he either disassociates or runs such as with Parent’s Day when Queen Leah’s yelling makes him dissociate. His fear of dogs stems from his PTSD, as well as his hyper awareness of the world around him (though this hyper awareness is also brought on for other reasons). Some of his triggers cause somatic symptoms, as shown above.

Carlos’ C-PTSD is evident in both the books and the movies. From lack of emotional regulation (him yelling at his mom in D1), to dissociation his response to Jane in D3 where he forgets seemingly that his mother abused him. Carlos shows many signs for C-PTSD. He has the most control over his emotions almost to the point where he can come of as emotionless ( “they say I’m callous” ). Carlos has a negative view of himself, but don’t expect him to say that. His mother’s comments towards him made it such so that he feels different, not to mention how utterly embarrassed he is of his handwriting because he taught himself how to write. Carlos’ inability to form good relationships with people, especially outside of the Core4 is not only a symptom of C-PTSD but also something that is part of asperger’s. However its a fine line because the type of people he is typically attracted to, tend to have power over him. Its a delicate line that both parties have to walk.

Carlos’ perception of his mother is his biggest sign that he has C-PTSD. He loves her. He loves her to the point that he will defend her. He knows she doesn’t love him, this is his plot of book 1 essentially. But that does not change his feelings towards her. He has a desire to make her proud, even at the cost of his own morals. Carlos loves Cruella unconditionally even though he shouldn’t, and its unhealthy. He also fears her, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love her. His fear of her causes physical reactions in him from shaking, as seen in book one, to nearly becoming a different person, a main reason he doesn’t want Dude on the Isle in D2.

Carlos doesn’t really exhibit loss of systems, mainly because his only real connection with religion is that his dad is Jewish. However, in my writing, he does often think about how stupid it is to have hope, so that would fit in well there.

Overall Carlos has both. There are specific child hood events that give him PTSD, but the abuse over the years is what gives him C-PTSD, and yes one can have both.

This is not diagnosed.

Anxiety

Carlos’ has anxiety, mainly severe social anxiety. Carlos does not do well in big crowds, or social situations. He has the constant thought that he is annoying people or bugging them. He may want to approach someone, but actually doing it is incredibly taxing on him, and he panics.

Social situations in general make his heart rate go up. Carlos has panic attacks from this. These are the ones that he can barely control, if at all. They come on fast, and often Carlos gets no real warning for them mainly because he doesn’t always know what triggers them.

This is also not diagnosed, but it does stem from Cruella’s treatment. He is always on edge around her, and worried and nervous about how she feels about him. This extends to every person he knows and meets. This extends to his friends. He is always worried about them, and how they view him. He is waiting often for their guidance to tell him what to do, even if he knows what he needs to do. He likes orders.

Additionally his mind is constantly going a million miles a minute. He often has different things processing and going on at the same time. But worries are most of those. These worries keep him up at night, and actually add to his insomnia.

His anxiety is potentially the least worrying thing for Carlos though. It has been ingrained in him so long to be on edge, that that is all he views it as.

Depression

Carlos’ depression is the must fuzzy of all the things he is diagnosed with. It is definitely the hardest to pin down. And it is one of the things that Carlos does his best to ignore. He has other things going on his mind, if he wants to lay in bed, he has things going on telling him he can’t. Something needs to be cleaned, something needs to be done, his mother is telling him to get up.

Something that links into his depression is his view of his body. Carlos is incredibly self conscious. He has multiple scars that are from cigarettes, or chemical burns. He has cuts, and scrapes that have scared over. He also has his freckles which are a love hate relationship with. His mother found it the one good thing about him since he was born with spots unlike puppies, but for a while it made him resent them. However due to his unique relationship with his mom, he likes his freckles because he knows that since he has them his mom has the chance to love him.

Carlos’ view of his own body being malnourished, and that his growth is stunted, among other things is skewed. He doesn’t like people seeing his body. Sometimes seeing his body makes him uncomfortable with himself, or he just loses all motivation he had. It can be incredibly debilitating. It is often the thing that gets him down the most, and makes his days the hardest to get through.

Schizophrenia

Carlos’ schizophrenia began to manifest itself when he was around the age of 10. He has no idea what it is. It is gentic, and he did get it from Cruella (this is based primarily on Descendants Cruella, and Disney’s live action and animated Cruella).

Carlos’ main symptoms for this are hallucinations, delusions, unusual ways of thinking, agitated body movements, reduced expression of emotion, reduced speaking, and poor executive function. He may exhibit more, but these are the most common. On the daily he typically experiences auditory or visual hallucinations that are vivid and often seem real to him. It his strongest symptom. He explains as he does in D2 where he hears Cruella’s voice in his head. She often talks to him telling him that he is worthless and useless, or she will give him orders. Disobeying the orders is hard, and sometimes he feels that he has no control over his body as he obeys whatever order his mother told him.

Carlos also often known to have delusions, and when he is having an episode he likely wont make sense. He will behave opposite to how he is commonly known (so how Auradonians view him), but he will also be opposite to how the Core 4, and friends who actually know him are. One way to confirm that he is potentially relapsing is that he will respond to the vivid hallucinations.

Often the best way to get him to come back to reality, and get him past the episode is to initiate contact with him, because that is the best way to ground him. Its not an easy feat since he doesn’t like being touched. And he will likely lash out when people try to touch him.

Aside from hearing his mother’s voice, he may feel her arms around him and she could be stroking his hair. His protection of her is often what makes him lash out at people who come near when this happens. Carlos seems almost relaxed when this happens, in a way he never is, his eyes close and it looks like he is experiencing something euphoric, he has this look in D1 when his mother is petting his hair in Maleficent’s home before they head to Auradon.

However, his most common system is the auditory hallucinations, and he rarely talks about them even with his friends. This is also not diagnosed because of his refusal to admit that he is crazy like his mom. He does not want to be like her, and he knows that having it could potentially get him sent back to the Isle. He doesn’t necessarily like when people say he isn’t like his mother, because he knows its a load of bull.

OCD

Carlos has OCD, it goes beyond his need for things to be perfect and meticulous something that was ingrained into him by his mother. Carlos has a few very small ticks. He does things in 10s, or in 101s. For example Carlos will wash his hands for 101 seconds, or will brush his teeth for 101 seconds. He will eat food in ten bites, not a whole meal but each seperate piece of food he eats will be done in 10 bites. This leads to him being a bit of a messy eater, but don’t worry he has 10 napkins for that issue exactly. If he used a clickable pen he would have to click the pen 10 times before he will use it. Often when panicking he counts to 10 to help him breathe. 101s are meant for longer tasks, his brain automatically sorts things like that. His worst infraction of this is going up stairs, if a stair case does not have 101 steps, which most of them don’t, he will calculate what he needs to get to those steps. If a staircase has more than that, he will start the 101 over, and calculate how to get to that number like he would with a regular stair case. It is the hardest tick to hide, in his opinion.

This is not diagnosed.

Insomnia

Carlos has severe insomnia, it is added to by a few things, such as his anxiety and PTSD. It is not dependent on those things. Carlos’ mind just does not shut off. In order to get a good night’s sleep he has to be pretty much exhausted. It became much more apparent in Auradon than on the Isle. It did exist on the Isle. Often being coaxed into sleep helps too, and that typically includes friends helping him sleep, this can be seen more so in my own writing. However I do pull him having insomnia from the scene in D1 where he is shifting on his bed awake, granted all the kids are awake, but his just feels different to me.

As with everything else on the list this is not diagnosed, but it is one of the few things Carlos is fairly comfortable self diagnosing himself with.

In general, the numerous things he deals with that affect his life day to day, when he is diagnosed and does talk about them, are the reason he is eligible for a service dog, and why he gets a service dog. Granted he has to over come his fear of dogs first, but its the baby steps. Medicine is not exactly an option for Carlos because he is so scared of the side affects of many of them Not to mention he kind of refuses to take it. Agreeing to having a service dog is a good compromise for now. But doctors ideally want him on medication to further improve his life. He does not get a service dog til he is essentially an adult in most of my verses.

#headcanon: he got her brain too #meta: found it in a book #tw: panic attacks #tw: mental health #tw: ptsd #tw: anxiety #tw: depression #tw: schizophrenia

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i-do-a-stuff · 6 years

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Get to Know Me OOC

Tagged by: @smith-hadeon (because why not?)

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do the thing.

If you already completed it, don’t worry about it! If you don’t wanna do it, also don’t worry about it!

APPEARANCE: · I am below average height or short · I am 5′7″ or taller · I wear glasses · I have at least one tattoo · I have two or more piercings · I have brown or darker hair naturally · I have brown eyes · I have naturally short hair but vary it with braids/wig units · My body is curvy and I’m a proud plus sized person · I have or have had braces · I have 3c/4c curly hair

PERSONALITY: · I’m an understanding extrovert · I try to be a positive listener · I enjoy physical challenges · I enjoy mental challenges · I’m ahappy, thoughtful introvert · I think carefully before speaking or typing (most of the time) · I try to grow my personality all the time · I prefer small friend groups that don’t overwhelm · I’m a people person · I’m mercurial · I am more likely to be the quiet observer in a large group · Opening up to many people at once is delightful · Crowds in chats or in person sometimes frighten me · I prefer at length, complete sentences/burst text/emoji

ABILITY: · I can sing very well · I can play at least one instrument - fair/well/extremely well · I’m a strong physical person · I can draw well(?) · I have a good memory - factual/physical/itemized/short term/long term/mathematic · Poetic verse comes easily for me · I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute · Writing comes naturally to me · I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch · I know how to throw a proper 🥊 · I am a good dancer in the artistic sense as well as casual · Math is very easy and reliable for me · I can calm/ease an anxious, frightened, or lonely children very well · I find my greatest sense of strength in words and vocabulary · I am a good swimmer · I love to run for natural talent/relaxation

HOBBIES: · I enjoy watching sports live (not televised) · I’ve practised one or more sports semi-seriously in my life · I have performed in a musical group semi-seriously at least twice in my life · I have studied new music in the month · I work out at least once a week · I have drawn something in the past month · I love writing · I do or have done martial arts · Reading is a deep passion · I enjoy language study as a hobby · I enjoy puzzles for fun · I practise theatre · I knit, sew, or crochet · I cosplay semi-seriously · I build legos · I paint with oils or watercolours · I am a digital artist · I build models of ships/planes/for games · I sculpt with stone/ceramics/metal/wood · I partake in tabletop/board-gaming (not and video)

EXPERIENCES: · I have had over 100/300/lost count kisses by less than three people 😘 · I have had at least twenty different alcoholic beverages of good quality · I have scored the winning goal in a sports game · I have 👀 an entire season of a 📺 show in one sitting · I have been in a 🚕 · I have been in the 🏥 or ER in the past year · I have visited another country briefly · I have been to one of my favorite musicians’ concerts at least twice · I deal with professionally, medically diagnosed chronic illnesses/mental difficulties/learning disabilities/organ failure or weakness · I have had surgery at least once · I have lost two or more organs · I have survived cancer · I have lost a husband/wife/mother/father/multiple grandparents to cancer · I have travelled the world to at least five countries for more than a month each · I have lost a tooth/cracked one in a fight · I have changed at least two flat tires by myself · I have driven a manual transmission vehicle · I have dialed a working rotary telephone for use · Been excited to hear “you’ve got mail” · Been knocked off the internet when someone called my home · I have used a VHS on a regular basis · I have rented a VHS · I have recorded a show at least twice on a VCR · I have accidentally recorded over my favourite show on VCR · Owned a pager · Used an 8track or turntable · Used a Floppy Disc · Used a physical card catalog· Called in a song request to a radio station · Won a prize from a radio station · Made your own ice cream manually · Rented a car · Gone on a road trip for at least three days · Ridden on a boat · Know what Nextel “Push to Talk” is/used it · Waxed a car · Chopped down a tree with an axe/planted some trees · Planted and maintained a garden for 3 or more seasons · Performed in two or more plays/musicals · Rescued a cat or dog · Adopted a stray animal · Donated personally to a homeless shelter or volunteered directly · Donated to a homeless stranger directly

MY LIFE: · I have one person that counts as a “best friend” in person for five years or more, unchanging · I live near at least one college or university · My parents are still together · One of my parents is twice or more times divorced · I have at least one sibling · I have lived outside of the United States for at least six years · There is snow right now where I live · I have hung out with a friend in person the past month that does not live in my home · I have at least 15 complete music albums in CD or digital format by different artists in varied genres/languages · I own/rent a house/condo/apartment · I go out for dinner/lunch alone or with others at least twice a season · I have spent at least two nights in a hotel for a pleasure trip in the last six months · I ride in an uber or lyft regularly/semi-regularly · I save in a money market account · I have at least three credit cards · I have filled at least two long term career goals · I have travelled outside of my home country for at least six months· I own at least one gun · I am not white either in appearance or culturally · I am Jewish · I am atheist · I am Muslim · I am secular

RELATIONSHIPS: · I’m in a relationship · I have been in at least one serious relationship lasting five years or more · I have never been in a relationship · I have asked someone out recently for a serious relationship · I am LGBTQ(?) · I am polyamorous · I have children or would like them · I share a home with my spouse/significant other · I am a (an) identical twin/triplet · I am adopted · I have two or more animals in my home · I am married, or will be soon · I am an aunt/uncle/grandparent

RANDOM 💩: · I have breakdanced · I have danced ballet · I have swing danced with a stranger · I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce · I have dyed my hair and will again · I’m often listening to one song on repeat · I have punched someone in the past week · I have eaten a waffle in the last 24hrs · I have made a new friend in the past year · I have published writing · I love onions and garlic · I am a former smoker · I have owned and used a typewriter · I’m a stunt performer · I’ve ridden a motorcycle for tricks · I have been racially/religiously profiled in an airport · I have climbed a mountain · I have licked a pole with ice and got my tongue stuck · I enjoy soap-making · I skip rocks in ponds for kicks · I have invested in BITCOIN · I collect stamps or coins

#It me

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devillain · 5 years

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Short list: things Carlos has (diagnosed and diagnosed)

Asperger’s

PTSD and C-PTSD

Anxiety

Depression

Schizophrenia

OCD

Insomnia

Asperger’s (Asperger Syndrome)

PTSD

Overall Carlos has both. There are specific child hood events that give him PTSD, but the abuse over the years is what gives him C-PTSD, and yes one can have both.

This is not diagnosed.

Anxiety

His anxiety is potentially the least worrying thing for Carlos though. It has been ingrained in him so long to be on edge, that that is all he views it as.

Depression

Schizophrenia

OCD

This is not diagnosed.

Insomnia

As with everything else on the list this is not diagnosed, but it is one of the few things Carlos is fairly comfortable self diagnosing himself with.

#headcanon: a smart little boy #tw: ptsd #tw: abuse #tw: child abuse #tw: schizophrenia #tw: depression #tw: anxiety

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ishiireviewer · 7 years

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RATING: 5 Stars.

REVIEW:

God, what a beautiful book! I absolutely loved it. So so so much. It drove me close to tears at one point.

I want everyone to read this book. It’s not like other LGBT books out there because this one focuses on the person instead of the couple.

It had such a flowy quality. So easy to read through in just one sitting.

And I just loved this book so much and I don’t have any words for it.

ANNOTATIONS:-

1. I really love them. I send a steady, visible stream of it—love—from me to them. From my chest to their chests. From my brain to their brains. It’s a game I play. It’s a good game because I can’t lose

2. But it feels good to love a thing and not expect anything back. It feels good to not get an argument or any pushiness or any rumors or any bullshit. It’s love without strings. It’s ideal

3. Ms. Steck reminds me of the arrow—one of Zeno’s arguments. The idea is that an arrow shot at a target has to move through time, but since time is made of tiny moments, the arrow, in each tiny moment, is at rest and not moving. “That’s like saying that if I take a picture of Clay”—I point to Clay, who is wearing his Kurt Vonnegut asterisk T-shirt today—“while he’s running hurdles and I freeze that moment in time… that he never really moved during the race.” Ms. Steck says, “Yes. That’s a little like what Zeno was trying to say

4. Hippocrates. Father of Western medicine. He said this: “There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance

5. She said, “This will be a time of asking questions and not rushing to answer them. A time of poking holes in your own theories. A time of thinking and not knowing

6. Like—moving. He said it was impossible to move because time stands still inside each little split second

7. She sighs and rolls onto her back. “So what’s the big deal about some philosopher who said motion was impossible? Philosophers said all sorts of crazy shit. Wasn’t that their job?” “Their job was to find truth.” “And did they?” I look at Dee and I think that Zeno was totally right, even though that’s not what he meant: For people, motion is sometimes impossible. For Dee. For my mom and Ellis. For nearly everyone. (I wanna understand this)

8. think if we kept a calendar of who gets called gay in high school, there would be a new person on every single day of the 180-day school year. Gay, dyke, fag, lesbo, homo, whatever. Every single one of us has heard it somewhere along the ride. It’s more common than the flu. More contagious, too. Nobody gossips about whether you have the flu or not

9. (Her mum is hating on ignorant people and she believes that she herself isn’t one. We think we know, but we don’t. Not really. What is knowing, though? It’s all thinking anyway, isn’t it? Idk)

10. She leans in to kiss me good-bye, and when she does, I wish I lived on the right planet where kissing Dee Roberts wasn’t a big freaking deal. Where it didn’t mean I have to affix a label to my forehead so people can take turns trying to figure out what caused it or what’s wrong with me. And I wish I didn’t have to lie so much (Yeesss)

11. When Dee kisses me, the taste of her is enough to make me die right here on the spot. I don’t care if some mountain biker zooms through on the path. I don’t care about anything. Not Zeno or Socrates. Not motion or truth. When Dee kisses me, I am alive. I am moving. I am the truth

12. I’ll go,” I say, seemingly out of control of my own mouth. Why did I just say that? I think I can do Thursday,” Ellis says. “Great,” Mom answers. “We’ll go Thursday.” She doesn’t look at me when she says this. Her hand is still on Ellis’s arm. This was like a private conversation they had. My offer to go along stayed in another dimension (Awwwww. Poor baby I love Astrid)

13. We start our unit on the Allegory of the Cave. It’s a part in Plato’s Republic where he wrote a dialogue between his brother Glaucon and his teacher, Socrates. The short version: People chained in a cave are only able to see a wall. The wall has shadows cast from a fire they can’t see. They guess at what the shadows are. Their entire reality becomes these shadows. Clay has read it before. Of course. Knows all about the Allegory of the Cave. “The only life these prisoners know is the sounds and shadows of the cave. Imagine living like that!” he says. “Or maybe we are living like that, right?” Ms. Steck stops him before he can spoil the rest. Apparently there is more excitement to come for the prisoners in the cave. For now, all we have to worry about is a three-hundred-word essay from the point of view of one of these prisoners exploring the realm of belief versus the realm of knowledge (Man) (I wanna read philosophy!!!)

14. “No,” I say, trying to be gutsy, too. “I’m also going to say that if you—if you think you love me, then shouldn’t you treat me like you love me and respect me? And be patient with me?” I realize that I’m saying this not just to Dee but also to my mother. And Kristina. And Ellis. And Jeff. And maybe even myself. (Awwww baby. I wanna hug you)

15. “I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t know.” I watch a plane zoom across the sky, and envy the power and control of it. I simultaneously realize that without a pilot, it would crash. “I need to be my own pilot,” I say. “And I don’t understand why my copilot is saying stuff like shit or get off the pot. It just doesn’t seem like a good team

16. I sigh deeply and lie back down to look at the sky. No airplanes. No passengers to ask. So I ask the clouds. Did you guys know there’s a wrong side and a right side? Why didn’t you tell me? The clouds don’t answer. “So when you said shit or get off the pot, you didn’t mean for me to make up my mind,” I say. “You meant for me to just come out, be gay, and be done with it.” “Well, yeah. I don’t see what the holdup is.” “You wouldn’t understand,” I say. “Obviously, this was a piece of cake for you.” “Are you saying you might not be gay? That this is all just some kind of joke or something?” “It’s not a joke.” “So what is it, then?” “It’s a question. And I’m answering it. But I don’t know the answer yet, and I’m sorry

17. Isn’t it enough to be in love with Dee’s amazing eyes and the smell of her hair? Isn’t it enough that she thinks I’m funny? That we have fun when we mess around at work? Why does everything come with a strict definition? Who made all these boxes? (And then the marriage proposal couple. How cool. The boxes being jewish stuff. I love how the questions she asks has a response from up above)

18. “I don’t know. Isn’t that what you learn in humanities?” I think about what Frank S. would say. But I say nothing (Is that because socrates says nothing? Awesome)

19. Maybe it’s okay that people talk you into things. Maybe if they didn’t, you’d never go anywhere (Yus)

20. I feel an intense paranoia that if I use their toilet paper, they will be even more pissed off with me than they already seem to be (I wanna help her. Why is she so insecure? I feel protective towards her)

21. I hear my dad’s voice: You have to let people get to know you before you decide they don’t like you (Yyaaasss)

22. What does the airport look like at four o’clock in the morning? Did they even have coffee brewing? Was there toilet paper in the stalls? And why don’t I feel ashamed right now? Is that a sign? (Because its not your fault. Passenger’s story about her friend and her and two boys who took advantage. She finally feels okay about it. That’s because she finally accepted that what happened wasn’t her fault. Which is the same in case of astrid and cops busting gay bar)

23. All we can see is the wall Mom wants us to see. On it she’s drawn the people we know in shadow. For me, she’s drawn you and Dad and the residents of Unity Valley. For you, she’s drawn me and Dad and the residents of Unity Valley. Based on Mom’s shadows, I see a sister who will always be better than me. A sister who will always win because I am a loser. She has cast this same shadow for Dad. We are the losers in the Jones family illusion, and you and Mom are the winners ME: Now imagine we were set free from this illusion. Our chains removed, our heads able to turn and look at each other. What would I look like to you? And what would you look like to me? And what would Dad look like to us? Would we still rely on the shadows, or would we see the real people? ELLIS: You’re starting to worry me, Astrid. ME: That’s because you’re still chained ME: I guess not, too. ELLIS: But if I change the way I think, Mom will stop loving me. ME: How do you know? ELLIS: I know because that’s what she did to you (Aw)

24. They say: Did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear? But no one actually talks to us. (Wow. Yes. They hear it from others but never from us. And they believe what others say.)

25. You’re completely wrong, you know. You’re completely full of shit.” “That’s not what we heard.” They say that in unison, like the creepy girls in The Shining. They say: That’s not what we heard. (Because you didn’t. Not really)

26. She asks, “What do you think Plato meant to say when he talked about the freed people returning to the cave? Did he think they couldn’t handle the outside world? Did he feel they needed to be controlled? What does that compare to in our society? Do we have places like the cave?” She glances at me when she asks this, but she doesn’t call on me, and I send love to her for it. Ms. Steck, I know you sat in that faculty room and heard every stupid rumor. I love you because this discussion is exactly what I needed. I will not be like Kristina and go back into the cave

27. I replace the word gays from her sentence with these other words: blacks, Hispanics, immigrants, women, people of mixed race, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Gypsies, Russians, Poles, Yugoslavians, Ukrainians, mentally and physically disabled

28. Frank Socrates, and he says, in my head, Settle for nothing less than the truth. Even if the answer is I don’t know

29. When I see the first plane, I make a deal with its passengers. I say: Look, this is a loan. I don’t know if love is something I will run out of one day. I don’t know if I should be giving it all to you guys or not. Today, I feel like maybe I should have kept some for myself for days when no one else loves me. Not even my best friend (Awww boo)

30. And then I send the love up. It’s as easy as it always is, and it’s hard, too, because I really don’t know the answer to this mystery. Is love something that will always be available? Will it always be confined and untrustworthy like it feels today? Is there enough to go around? Am I wasting mine on strangers? (Awww. No baby. That’s what makes you a wonderful person.)

31. (God this book is so fucking beautiful. Drove me to tears. After the above, a guy in plane feels bad about not feeling loved and then he receives Astrid’s and he feels happy. And astrid thinks it’s a waste which is proved wrong by this dude. How fucking beautiful.)

32. While I’m brushing my teeth, I think about how our sisterhood deteriorated. I blame Mom. Of course. But as I look at myself in the mirror, I see some other stuff. My snubbing her when she decided to be a small-town girl. Me deciding she didn’t need me anymore when she got old enough to stop watching The Wizard of Oz. Me not inviting her when Dad and I would make stuff together. Me deciding that Mom would always like her more… and having it reflect on her instead of just on Mom. So maybe I helped it happen. Maybe we’d be closer. If I told her the truth, she’d probably accept me eventually, and we could just be sisters again

33. As he walks away, I think about what he said about Justin in the locker room, and I think about Ellis and her gross towel thing this morning, and I figure out what confuses people so much about other people being gay. They think it’s all about sex (Yyyeeesss. As if that’s the only element about their personality.)

34. NO wins, twelve votes to ten. Ms. Steck doesn’t say anything. She just leaves the results on the board above the ugly homophobic signs, and all I can think of is what she called us: Unity Valley’s best and brightest. And we’re three votes short of equality. (Best and brightest being a paradox. And 3 votes short which makes her paradox “equality is obvious” ring true)

35. I think about what she said to me last night. How I had nothing to lose and how she had everything to lose. I count eight people at her table. I count zero at mine (Does this mean in a revengey manner?or was she just justifying kris’ statement?)

36. First, to define equality. Then to define obvious. I mean, I can even try to define is if I want, because equality isn’t really working in the present tense, is it? Because equality isn’t really obvious to most people. And I don’t mean to say the world is filled with racists or sexists or homophobes. I mean to say: Everybody’s always looking for the person they’re better than. In fourth grade, it’s the second graders. In ninth grade, it’s the eighth graders. Adults look at teenagers like we’re the stupidest creatures on the planet, when really we’re just lining up to take their jobs in T-minus five years. I am equal to a baby and to a hundred-year-old lady. I am equal to an airline pilot and a car mechanic. I am equal to you. You are equal to me. It’s that universal. Except that it’s not

37. I feel myself getting pissed off, so I take a minute to try to figure out how to say what I want to say. Frank S. lights Dad’s pipe. I have no idea how he knew where to find it, but I guess if I made him up in my head, he must know everything I know. I feel relaxed by association

38. Still, it’s none of your business until I’m ready to tell you. Calling it a lie is wrong. And kinda hurtful. I really know what you’re trying to say, but try to think about it from my side. It just sucks that you’d hold my own confusion—which tortured me for months—against me. Seriously.” (I agree)

39. Why? I’m right! All those people who are chained here thinking that their reputations matter and that this little shit matters are so freaking shortsighted. Dude, what matters is if you’re happy. What matters is your future. What matters is that we get out of here in one piece. What matters is finding the truth of our own lives, not caring about what other people think is the truth of us! (Yyyaaasss)

40. I take a second to think about him—Frank Socrates—and I decide he’s my new hero. Not because he shows up in my life and talks to me when I want him to, but because of who he was and what he stood for. I just love how he rejected all the boxes

41. The world is made of so many types of different people, and we have to learn that though they might be scary at first, they are not inherently bad because they are different.” He starts this way and goes on to talk about his days in school as a mixed-race Latino and how hard it was for him growing up. He got beat up a lot. Teased every day. I start to feel resentful. You mean to tell me that it’s 2011 and this guy gets paid to have remedial talks with high school students about how they shouldn’t hate other people? Isn’t this elementary? Shouldn’t it be automatic? What kind of species are we if we have to have people come talk to us about this crap? And how, if we’re that stupid, did we get to the moon and help build a space station? He tells a story about how his mother was from Cuba and how she hated Puerto Ricans. He says, “No matter how many times I tried to explain to her how stupid this was, she never changed. It was just ingrained in her. “Some of you have it ingrained in you. You weren’t born with it. You were taught. No baby has hate for anything.” He produces a baby (a real baby) and bounces the kid on his hip. “We were all babies once, right? This little guy doesn’t care what country you were born in or what religion you might practice or how much you weigh or who you might love

42. I just went to my twenty-fifth class reunion, guys. Let me tell you—people change. The girls who passed around rumors about all the weird kids? Are nice and have their own weird kids. The so-called losers who graduated at the bottom of the class? Are driving luxury cars and running big businesses. The kid who made fun of all the gay kids? Is gay. I’m not saying this will happen to all of you, but what I’m trying to tell you is that high school doesn’t end here. You guys will know each other for a long time, and you will get to see how life changes people. I only hope that for right now, you remember that there is no place for hate in a happy life. I don’t care who you are, where you come from or what God you believe in. I can guarantee you that if you hate, you will never achieve true happiness

43. “I don’t know why this is so important for me to tell you, but I’m a virgin. Seriously weird for me to be telling you that, I know, but this whole thing, it’s not about sex. I just fell in love, and it happened to be with a girl.” “O-kay,” he says. “When I told you I didn’t know if I was gay, I was telling you the truth. I just know I’m in love—with a girl. I had no idea of anything past that. It’s very Socrates, you know? I’m not questioning my sexuality as much as I’m questioning the strict definitions and boxes of all sexualities and why we care so much about other people’s intimate business.

44. And if any of you has a problem with any of it, then it’s your problem. Being gay is hard enough without having to worry about your family being weird about it.”

45. How can we say nobody’s perfect if there is no perfect to compare to? Perfection implies that there really is a right and wrong way to be.(but that keeps changing, no?) And what type of perfection is the best type? Moral perfection? Aesthetic? Physiological? Mental

46. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted. Frank S. must have been one hearty guy to argue on the streets of Athens all day the way he did. Our humanities class enjoys a bunch of snacks and a Socrates Project party in the humanities room, where we all debate one another’s paradoxes and are reminded by Ms. Steck to question everything and continue to challenge others with our open minds long after we remove our togas

47. I listen to the air. I don’t hear a thing. Not one thing. They say: They say:

48. The nice thing about the passengers is they can’t say anything back. I can’t see any faces full of disappointment. I can’t hear them saying bad things about me. I can’t hear them call me the politically correct term for Indian giver… on Thanksgiving Day. Anyway, it’s not like I want my love back. I’m just slowing down business. They can have a little. I can say, “I love you!” when I see a plane. I probably always will. But they can’t have all my love. I have too many uses for it now

49. Okay. I sent them my love because I didn’t need it here,” I say. “Mom never loved me, and Dad was too busy doing other stuff, and you didn’t love me because Mom had turned you against me, and then when Dee came along, I knew I couldn’t love her even though I love her more than anything. But I knew I wouldn’t be allowed. Not by Mom, not by Unity Valley. Not by you. Not by anyone

50. will notice, you know, when you find some cute guy and marry him and have a bunch of kids, that you might not be gay and sleeping with your lesbian sister. If they believe lies, then that’s their problem, not yours (True)

51. And then I look out the window and down at the green-and-brown landscape, and I toss my love to whoever might be there to keep it safe. Maybe if you catch this love, you can keep it safe? I ask them. Maybe someone down there knows what to do with it while I go and get brainwashed by people who hate me? Dee says, “What?” I try to think of what just happened, but I can’t explain it. All I know is that a huge, overwhelming feeling of love has just landed in my heart, and I have to keep it safe for a while. “Nothing,” I say. “Don’t worry about it I’m left with this feeling, though. A lucky feeling. I squeeze Dee’s hand and kiss her on the cheek. I can do that now. I can do whatever I want. I look at the plane, and I send my love. Don’t worry. I’ll keep it safe. Stay strong

52. (I thought the ending would be her sitting on a plane and receiving the love of someone else but this is way better. And so much better)

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penthony · 7 years

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About for Laura Anderson

Character Chart Character’s full name: Laura Elizabeth Anderson Reason or meaning of name: Her mom just liked it, and i think Elizabeth is the name of her paternal grandmother, not that she’d know that. Character’s nickname: Laur Reason for nickname: It’s half of her name, plus she likes it better for some reason. Birth date: August 8th, 1994. Physical Appearance Age: twenty-two How old does he/she appear: She could pass for 18, maybe younger depending on what she’s wearing and if she has make up on. Weight: 110lbs Height: 5′6 Body build: Petite/Slender Shape of face: Oval Eye color: Brown Glasses or contacts: Neither Skin tone: white/caucasian Distinguishing marks: scar on her hip Predominant features: Strong jaw, eyebrows, and a bright smile. Hair color: Dark Brown Type of hair: Wavy Hairstyle: Long Voice: Melodic, but young sounding. Overall attractiveness: Pretty attractive. Physical disabilities: n/a Usual fashion of dress: leggings, a bandeau and a teeshirt, or an oversized sweater. sometimes jeans, a tee and a leather jacket. Favorite outfit: boyshorts and an oversized teeshirt. Jewelry or accessories: a ring on her right hand and a pair of earrings depending on her mood. Personality Good personality traits: determined, helpful, caring, somewhat maternal Bad personality traits: easily offended, choleric, stubborn, prone to distrust. Mood character is most often in: a sarcastic one. Sense of humor: inappropriate to say the least. Character’s greatest joy in life: sex, sleeping, pie, pizza & beer. Character’s greatest fear: Being abandoned, or never finding love. Why? Her mother abandoned her a lot, and she never really saw a healthy relationship around her. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? her mothers death - which just happened Character is most at ease when: probably when she’s on her couch watching something, or with blaine or eli. Most ill at ease when: in a high stress situation, or when drugs are present Enraged when: someone calls her a whore, when someone doesnt help themselves to what they need, or when someone gets in her business without asking. Depressed or sad when: thinking about her future Priorities: not falling apart. Life philosophy: fuck it. If granted one wish, it would be: to start over. Why? because she just is a very sad puppo. Character’s soft spot: her soft spot is for the people she’s closest to, they’re really the only people she trusts. Is this soft spot obvious to others? not always, but it’s coming more and more clear. Greatest strength: the fact that she is very prone to sticking up for others Greatest vulnerability or weakness: she tends to run away from her own emotions Biggest regret: not going after her mom when she had the chance Minor regret: getting into porn Biggest accomplishment: taking care of herself after her mom disappeared Minor accomplishment: actually allowing people to start to get close to her Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: i wouldn’t say failures, but i would think that she might be embarassed about one day maybe being a mom and people knowing about her porn history. Why? porn ruins lives, folks. Character’s darkest secret: oh god, she’s got way too many of those. Does anyone else know? the person who was involved other than her? Goals Drives and motivations: her friends and cousin are her motivators right now, other than that her drive in life is her inner clock I suppose. Immediate goals: to get through the celebration of life party on friday. Long term goals: to try and get her life on track, go to school, get a job, try and be a better person? maybe. How the character plans to accomplish these goals: she wants to drink on friday, and as for the rest... she has no clue where to start. How other characters will be affected: oh jesus, i dunno. Past Hometown: Lima, Ohio. Type of childhood: Not a very good one. Pets: None, but i kind of want her to get a dog. First memory: Of her father walking out on her and her mom. Most important childhood memory: seeing her mom on the floor in the bathroom overdosed on heroin. Why: because that was traumatic for her. Childhood hero: she didnt really have a hero. Dream job: n/a Education: She finished highschool thats it. Religion: She knows that her father was jewish, but never really practiced any faith. Finances: back then her finances were null, her mom spent most their money on drugs, and when she was sober it was to pay the bills. she went withotu food a lot. Present Current location: Havenoaks, Oregon Currently living with: No one Pets: n/a Religion: n/a Occupation: Porn Star Finances: Comfortable Family Mother: Jane Anderson Relationship with her: Not good Father: ??? ??? Relationship with him: hes not around Siblings: n/a Relationship with them:n/a Spouse:n/a Relationship with him/her:n/a Children: n/a Relationship with them:n/a Other important family members: the only family member she likes is blaine. Favorites Color: I want to say blue, but red is a close second Least favorite color: Yellow. Music: HipHop/alt/edm/indie Food: anything Literature: the classics Form of entertainment: tv, video games Expressions: what the fuck - that’s a favourite of hers. Mode of transportation: car (ford explorer) Most prized possession: her apartment, she bought and paid for it herself, along with her car. Habits Hobbies: sleeping, dancing, singing (although she’d never admit to that) Plays a musical instrument? guitar, and some piano. Plays a sport? used to play soccer in school How he/she would spend a rainy day: probably sleeping, or working depending on the day. Spending habits: she’s very careful with her money Smokes: it’s a very seldom occurance that she smokes, cigarettes were never her thing, pot was, but she doesnt really do that anymore. Drinks: socially/occasionally. Other drugs: she was big into pot and some other things back in the day, but is sober now. What does he/she do too much of? probably has too much sex or crying. shes a mess. What does he/she do too little of? oh god... self loving/ Extremely skilled at: well she’s good in the sack, but she’s also a pretty good cook. Extremely unskilled at: she cant fucking paint worth a damn. she had to hire someone to paint her apartment Nervous tics: she taps her foot when nervous, or picks at a label Usual body posture: slouched, or curled up. Mannerisms: she talks with her hands sometimes, but tends to be avoidant with eye contact Peculiarities: she’s just a peculiar person. Traits Optimist or pessimist? pessimist Introvert or extrovert? extrovert Daredevil or cautious? daredevil (shes beginning to be a little cautious) Logical or emotional? emotional, definitely. Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? methodical, she cant stand a mess. Prefers working or relaxing? relaxing Confident or unsure of himself/herself? she’s a mix of both. she exudes an air of confidence for sure, but I think she’s really unsure of herself deep down. Animal lover? YES Self-Perception How he/she feels about himself/herself: she hates herself One word the character would use to describe self: lost One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: in first person - “I’m someone who was never taught to love, never really taught how to properly deal with things other than rely on something like drugs or alcohol. I tend to run away from my problems and emotions, and I do that so that I can’t get close to anyone. I’m a bitch, and am a commitment-phobe. So sue me.” What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? her helpfulness What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? her temper What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? she likes to think she has nice legs, and a nice ass. What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? shes very self concious about her boobs. How does the character think others perceive him/her: she thinks everyone hates her, and likes to think that shes okay with that when shes not. What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: she probably would want to be percieved as a better person, but that can be hard for her to admit. Relationships With Others Opinion of other people in general: she just doesnt like many people Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? fuck no Person character most hates: probably her mom - as messed up as that is. Best friend(s): Stella, Blaine, Kivrin, Ezra & Elijah Love interest(s): elijah herself Person character goes to for advice: Elijah, Blaine, or Ezra. Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Blaine Person character feels shy or awkward around: Elijah Person character openly admires: Stella, Blaine Person character secretly admires: Elijah (sorta she’s been inda vocal of how awesome he is, but ya............) Most important person in character’s life before story starts: probably her mom. After story starts: TBD

#character: laura anderson #tw: drugs #drug tw #alcohol tw #tw: alcohol

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