#I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH like everything that others do is WAY better

[deoidesign]

Are you slowly going insane over your OWN ocs?

No, I've been infected by brainworms the entire time. Nothing slow about it.

But honestly, no... It's not really about my characters to me. I love my characters, of course, and I love telling stories, and I hope to keep making art of my characters every day until I die.

But it's not about them! They're not REALLY what I love, what I love is people! And I hope I can leave the world with a hundred different love letters so my readers can feel how much I love them for even one day longer than I am here.

My characters are a conduit through which I can give that to people. I want nothing more than to make someone feel a little more loved, a little more seen, and a little less alone. And my characters are the best way I know how to do that.

So for that, they're incredibly important to me... But they're not for me. They're for you!

So I hope you enjoy them

and I hope you can feel that I love you through them.

#personally I dont like to use the word insane to describe myself or others #I struggle with many things but when it comes to my characters #I am nothing but concrete #determined #and absolutely positively headstrong through and through. #I don't take myself too seriously #And I don't hold too much sacred that I do #I really just want to make the world slightly better #for even one person #anyways. #asks #izzy-fishy #oh this is also why I hate like... advertising #and locking anything behind a paywall #and just. all of that stuff #I wish I could just make money drawing whatever and everything I do were free with no issues #but the best way for me to pay my bills and make more art is for some of it to be for money... so. #unfortunately I dont get to truly live my dream #where I spend all day teaching people how to draw and making them art they love #ALAS!!! #capitalism

[knowlesian]

quick indulging in some stede angst while i procrastinate on finishing my piece on e5

i’m consistently fucked up over the blacked out form that used to be stede in the family portrait, and the metaphor it provides about the way stede handled his life and trauma: everything’s pretend. he’s not truly there, he’s living a story in his head in ways both lovely and inadvertently cruel.

lovely: looking at the world and demanding it bend to his delusional belief things could ever be other than they are. that it could be better.

inadvertently cruel: leaving mary and the kids (leaving ed) to wonder: was it me? if i was better, if i had been kinder or a more supportive wife, a better behaved child or a co-captain with less baggage or a better man, would he have stayed? would i have been worth staying for?

stede’s got a whole basketful of reasons he leaves without explaining why in both cases. but he does leave, and he doesn’t explain: those actions ripple out and hurt the people he leaves.

but also, we know stede’s general self-worth is under the fucking ground!!! less than zero!!! he has absolutely no inkling that his absence might affect someone just as much as his presence. he thinks: i am a burden people suffer. when i remove myself from their lives, i am ultimately making those lives easier, in heartbreaking part because he cannot imagine a world in which somebody actually wants him around.

i know i’m a big old hippie and a reconciliation will come faster than we might think truther, but goddamn i just want ed and stede to have the mutual validation moment! because ed needs to hear “it was never about not wanting you or not wanting to be with you, it was a gross cocktail of trauma and old fears and chauncey being a walking nightmare in so, so many ways” from stede and stede needs to hear “you leaving me? fucked me up real good in ways we may need to do some work to overcome, but only because you are somebody i always want to be around, even when things are not pleasant and conflict-free, all forever-like” from ed asa-fucking-p.

#look i love me some angst but like. i want these two to be back on the same page so much i could leap into the sun over it #this is my hopeful pirate show about: what if life could be better and people kinder #and ultimately i ask myself: what do ed and stede actually want #to punish each other for harm done or to find a way to heal and move forward #i’m super biased because i think that shit is just a waste of time and weird jesus shit in a party hat #why demand people who hurt you hurt in turn? how is more pain ever the answer? etc #it feels good in the same way mickey d’s fries taste good #piping hot: lowkey addictive #once the immediate rush fades and the fries cool: suddenly they taste lowkey gross #punishing people feels right for reasons i try to identify in myself and fight against #i try and remind myself cruelty can never ever be the point #or i’m just everything i hate with better policy positions etc

[ennuidays]

😂

#because im too much right?????? because you cant find any other way to deal with me ?????? #because i keep repeating the same thing over and over and over righr ?????? ans its the same thing every month right ?????????? #and i never learn right ?????????????????? So just throw me in where i belong right????????? #I canr be fucjinf legt alone on my own righr?????? i cant hodl my own righr ??????? #cuznim a stupid piece of garbage who doesnt do anything but complain Right?????????? #So its ok to send me away right????? so you dont havw to think about me anymore #Because ill be in good hands #Becahse they can take care of me there #Because they can make me feel better there #Righr?????????? #And when i get out you can always threaten to put me back in like a dog in a kennel #you piece of shit . ILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF #ILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! ILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!! #FUCK YOU ALL #ILL KILL MYSELF #ill kill myself right fucking now #BUT I WONT HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA BWCAUSE EVERYTHING I DO IS A FALSE ALARM #STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT I FUCKINF HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[salsflore]

ummmm

#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~ #my favorite image on this device btw ^ #cw negative #cw vent #you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than- #-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so #but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but #my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i- #-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something- #-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because- #-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles- #-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all #i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me #i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years- #-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and- #-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great- #-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do? #how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time? #i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though #so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun- #-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!! #how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol #everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit #i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden

[puppidy]

People complain about Christians stealing pagan culture like they forget that the early Christians were in a pagan dominated culture and that the people who were becoming Christians willingly early on were of those cultures.

#I say willingly because it didn't take that long until kingdoms were forcing people to be of Christianity #Just like every other religion ever #Like I'm not saying “the way later Christians used saints as stand ins for pagan gods was 100% natural and shit #Just that Christianity wasn't (and still isn't) a solid ridged set of beliefs and values #and that people will bring often aspects of their previous beliefs with them #Such as Saturnalia morphing into Christmas overtime #Ffs I better not do a theology paper next year and find out everything here is just wrong #Also I'm more speaking about Christianity pre orthodox/catholicism spilt #Before it was the state religion of Rome #Theology #Early Christianity #Please someone correct any misconceptions I gsce #Have #Fuck I hate my keyboard so much on my phone I need to download a better one #But afraid it could be worse #Also I hated myself for saying pagan culture #But like this is more targeted at the people who would only know those preexisting religious beliefs as pagans (and Judaism) #I had a rant about Constantine but had to chillax it to this #It's 3am

[feralattentionwhore]

Anyway the world has like a month to fix all my problems before my brain decides to off itself

#i don't know if this is funny #but having to leave them hurts so bad and uts not even getting better #cant exist without thinking about what it was like ehen they were here #and now im alone and it was such an insane shock to go from feeling so happy and safe to remembering that one mistake fucks me up here #and my future is the opposite of safe here #and all i want to do is just say fuck it and move to be with them but i cant and its just killing me #because i should its the only way ill ever get to be with them but im too selfish to do that and i don't think ive hated myself more #but i have all my animals that i cant legally bring over because some arent really mine and others arent traditional pets and it would #make them so so stressed with the trip and all my plants cant come and ive had some for over a decade now and i cant replace them #not to mention all my clothes and sentimental things that i wouldn't be able to bring over #my meds would cost so much over there and i absolutely hate the actual lifestyle in America and all the people #all the laws are fucked and getting worse so its likely id get fucked over one way or another and id probably #lose my citizenship to obe of my countries if i tried to move there #the food sucks and so much of my favourite stuff isnt sold there abd i cant import ut in #and noje of my plants or animals can survive in the climate anyway #so id have to give up absolutely everything #and i cant do it but i hate myself for not being able to #and i miss everything here when im with them and i miss them when im here #and ill resent whatever i side i don't pick and resent myself more #because both options suck and i don't know if i can do this #even going away now means i miss out on the last bits of my animals lives but i cant even cherish it #all i want is them but i cant have it #i don't know how to fix it #i don't think i can #even just the time difference kills me now #cant see them when they wake up cant see them when they get back from work #can't enjoy it when im always leaving something behind #make a shitty choice either way and hope i don't hate myself enough to kill me for it

[the-trans-dragon]

It’s fucking annoying that upper management won’t let me off light duty, but being forbidden to do my old duties and being scolded for doing any extra work sure has forced me to stop being a hardworking dedicated diligent employee.

Yesterday I made a cute little paper chain, using long strips I cut from a torn paper bag, and using some techniques I invented to hold it together without any additional materials (I’m sure my techniques are old and very simple compared to more advanced stuff, but I’m having so much fun trying to reinvent things purely by experimenting around). I threw it away in a specific place to guarantee it won’t be seen by The Manager Who Deadpan Threatens To Kill Me For Small Mistakes I Make Because I Wasn’t Ever Trained For This Job Position.

This morning I was getting ready for work and my chronic illness flared up, and I was in so much pain that I couldn’t stop my throat from trying to scream. Normally I just ignore it and go to work, even though it means risking my health and creating a small but serious possibility of ending up in emergency surgery, but today? I called in sick.

I should write my manager a thank you letter. “Thank you for saying you’d kill me if I ran out of quarters again. And for always assuring me that I’m doing everything wrong. It’s good to know I’ll never be adequate for you, because I’m finally learning to prioritize myself over everything else. I still get scolded for it, but at least I benefit from caring about myself, unlike when I care about my job and put all of my effort into doing as much work as possible.

And thank you for teaching me how to ignore the opinions of others. I never did figure out how to handle being treated worthless—I always stood up for myself, even when it meant risking my life. But I finally figured out how to say “Yes” and “Okay.” The trick is: I don’t have to mean it, just say it. It’s okay to lie to people. You taught me that if have to pick between arguing and lying, I should just lie. You always think I’m lying anyways, so I know you don’t believe it, but I guess it imitates respect enough to be satisfactory.

I realize this lesson is one that many people learn during childhood, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not knowing it in advance. Thank you for the miraculous opportunity to make up for my messy childhood.”

#sorenhoots #I’m dying #the most frustrating thing is that I have done the work necessary to understand her logic and her reasoning and to understand why she is #correct according to her logic. and I agree! she is using logic that makes her life much easier and more efficient. it’s even #something I think is smart and that I respect and that I want to change my behavior to fit with #but it takes SO MUCH effort to do that. and I can’t do it with EVERYTHING she says because half the time I don’t even know what she’s saying #telling me I’m not allowed to use the computer and then getting mad that I called for a manager instead of using the computer #I’m not allowed to ask for help but I’m not allowed to help myself. #I’m not allowed to open MSpaint while I clean lotion off the touchscreen but I’m not allowed to disable the touchscreen to clean it. #‘​you’re not allowed to look things up in the computer’ one day but the next day it’s ‘why didn’t you just look it up?’ #‘you should know what products we have’ but also ‘you can’t be in the isles on breaks. #you have to be in the break room.’ girl what. #and I am LEARNING that there isn’t a way to be a good employee for her. which I hate because I want to be good. even at silly tasks like #work. and I love following arbitrary rules even! I do nuzlocke because it’s fun to make things harder for myself for no reason. #but I can’t even do that—there isn’t a way to follow contradictory rules and I can’t keep feeling bad for that #the lesson is: just say Okay. if you want to keep doing it then learn to do it sneaky. if it’s not worth it then find something else to do. #but my brain isn’t wired for that. my brain wants to solve it like a puzzle. I want to learn and grow. but this isn’t the place to grow. #no growing allowed. youre expected to learn but you can’t learn invalid lessons that contradict each other. you’re just supposed to learn to #SEEM like you learned. you’re not allowed to ask for help or clarification. that’s disrespectful. #she is easy to respect. she’s easy to need. she does so much to make our lives better and safer. but she also just fucking #lashes. the lesson is: step away from the person lashing out. you can’t become worthy. #I am still learning the lesson.

[blueslight]

Man

#My friend forgot that they said theyd come to my house today and even though i texted them.aboht it at 1pm which they read at 3pm they #didnt bother saying ANYTHING to me until literaly rivht now (its nearly 7pm so tge day is effecrively over) #and like. my friend is autistic (so am I obviously) so on one hand im like yeah they probably dont know any better but on the other hand i #WOULDVE known better not because im good with empathy or social stuff but just bc i put in an effort #and like . well what would i say cause. like i said theyre autistic im sure its not great to get upset with an autistic person for doing #something autistic BUT LIKE ITS STILL HURTFUL!!! AND IM AUTISTIC MYSELF #but my mom raised me to be like so painfully aware and competent (in real life online obviously i act like a madman) that its near #impossible for me to hang out with other autistic/adhd people without feeling like their fuckin dad bc they refuse to put in any effort #into our friendship beyond exactly that they feel like doing #and stuff like this is constantly happening like hanging out with them is always overshadowed by the fact that i have to plan everything #and take care of everything and remind them of everything bc otherwise they literally want altho i KNOW they can #*wont #but at the same time im TOO weird to hang out with neurotypicals but with other nd people its always shit like this #and there are few things i hate as much as having to take care of people in contexts like this esp cause it just means i have to mask way #more cuz the others wont put in the slightest effort meanwhile ANY social interaction is like moving a mountain for me ive just gotten #so used to the effort BC WHAT ELSE DO I FUCKING DO I DONT WANNA DIE ALONE #but neither of my friends are as driven with tbis as i am. like if theyre not motivated to do something they literally wont do it #and like im rarely motivated either but THERE IS NO CHOICE BUT TO DO IT !!! but bc i guess their parents never enforced any rules now #they are exhausting to deal with

[deityofhearts]

It’s just like, I know I have the capacity to be happy and be loved but I don’t feel loved and as long as I don’t feel loved I can’t be happy

#deity dialogue #and like there’s just variables #I want someone to love me the way i love them or at least a fraction of as much as I do #and this isn’t to say people don’t love me I know they do I just can’t really believe it #even if people love me I feel unwanted #and like I’m self sabotaging myself about it and causing not just myself but other people pain #and I don’t deserve love from people as I am especially when I’m hurting them #and just #I want to be happy I want to love and be loved I want to be secure but I’m not any of these things at least I don’t feel like it #I feel so lonely and unwanted and I’m sure I could be doing more but at some point so much time passes that it feels like I can’t #like after so many days or weeks or months why bother reaching out is it worth it to do so #to try and contact people or apologize would it be better to just let things end wordlessly would people rather to never hear from me again #I don’t know and I simply never will and the not knowing and lack of closure and ending hurts the most #at least when a relationships gets ended verbally like I know I know and I can move on #like it hurts it lingers and haunts you but ya know #but like again it’s my fault this happened because I get so convinced that people would be happier if I weren’t in their lives and I give up #or I hurt other people in the process because I think I’m protecting myself and doing what’s best for them and it’s dumb #divine despair #<- sad tag #I just hate myself I hate who I am I hate my personality I hate everything about myself and that I keep being shitty to others

[apathyfairy]

my whole life ive been thinking im an old soul bc everyone would tell me i was bc i was “serious” and quiet and shy as a kid and riddled with social anxiety so i was like ok. i must be then. and now im realizing im not lmao like honestly as stupid as it sounds i think that was putting pressure on me to know how to live my life and what to do all the time but now im like oh im new no wonder im afraid of absolutely everything and i cant function and everything disappoints me it’s bc i dont know whats going on. im new in town. and im incorporating that into my belief system now

#yeah im going insane clearly but anyways #in friends when joey is like what was my past life and phoebe was like oh sweetie youre brand new like lmao me #but did anyone else get called serious as a kid and did anyone else take it as an insult like i did like. #i hated absolutely nothing more than people being like oh youre so serious and quiet like i am but also i dont want to be here talking #to you so i have nothing to say. like sorry i wasnt saying every thought i had out loud like every other kid so that made me 'mature' #for my age like honestly that fucked my life up more than anything else was being called mature for my age. it put way too much pressure on #me and i didnt even get to be a kid because everyone expected me to be older than i always was and now that im #so old and approaching death it's just all regret man i have nothing but regret for how ive lived my life #and im so old and i have absolutely nothing figured out i just dont know what the fuck to do #i just didnt think things would be this fucked up or id still be this lost at this point in my life and its disgusting im disgusting #everything is just so fucked up and i hate it like absolutely nothing is right in my life right now i am truly at rock bottom #like i genuinely cannot imagine ever being at a lower point than im at right now and no that's not inspiring like 'oh it cant get any worse' #'if youre at your lowest point it can only get better :)' no thats not how it works #it can get worse i just cant possibly imagine how and nothing is ever going to get better bc i dont know how to get myself out of this #literally im spongebob in rockbottom but the bus is literally never coming like the bus station shut down that's where im at

[lepidopterium]

++

#i wish I'd never played therapist friend for anyone. #coming to the nauseating realization that I've sacrificed so much of myself for others and denied myself so many things and now i feel #bitter towards most of the people in my life for not being there for me in the way i want despite the fact that i #actively hold others at a distance because i hate being misunderstood even somewhat and am independent to a fault while also being #dependent on others for validation and self worth. #just like. you guessed it. my mother! #im glad i could be there through deeply difficult things. but the harm that doing that while going through hell myself has stuck with me #and made it very very difficult for me not to want to run away from everyone and everything #especially when I'm still in that hell. I'm just a little more better equipped to deal with things now than younger me was #im in so much pain from how stressed out and alone i am i feel like my chest is going to cave in on itself #i just need things to be simple for once. im so tired of abuse at home and injustice in the world. #i just want to have a home by the sea where i can cook a warm meal for myself and loved ones and be able to be quiet and at ease and have #things be uncomplicated by existential threats or miserable legacies of atrocious acts of history #i just want to be human #i hate having a heart like this. how do i protect myself when i have a heart like this in a body like this with a mind like this

[tokyoteddywolf]

It sucks so much once you realize how entwined someone is in your life, then it just sucks more when you have to scrub away the traces it existed. That it was there, and it was good, until it wasn't anymore.

(Ignore my angry venting it's 3am I'm cranky and want chocolate.)

#vent #i feel like my hands are soaked in blood that soap cant clean #'blood is thicker than water' they say but that just makes it all the harder to scrub away once it goes bad #i loved you so much and i still do but now everything is just bitter and rotting and i hate it so much #and im just ranting to myself about how unfair it is that im doing so much better but i still miss what i had #that it wasnt your fault i didnt get help sooner- i believed so badly that i didnt deserve help. #that if i just waited long enough id rot away and be done with it all. #and i never got to say 'thank you for loving me when i couldnt love myself' at the worst time of my life. #you tried to help me. i can appreciate that #but i can be bitter that you still abandoned me. i have that right. i am going to be better and do better but you dont get to have that. #im still learning how to be a proper human. one that can learn to love herself and not distrust any form of affection. #but im going to do that on my own and when im better i hope you see it. i really hope you do. #you both still abandoned me though so fuck you both for that. im not gonna be nice about it anymore. #i didnt wanna hurt feelings even though mine were CONSTANTLY trampled over. so yeah. fuck you. that feels good to say. #fuck you for never apologizing. fuck you for abandoning me in a city i had no place else to go in. fuck you for giving me false hope. #fuck you for making promises you couldnt keep. fuck you for all the times i felt alone or excluded or just plain unwanted. #fuck you for constantly picking each other over me. fuck you for all the times i had to swallow how i felt because it was 'mean'. #fuck you for making your love conditional. fuck you for never even trying to understand how i felt. fuck you for taking years of my life. #and mostly just- fuck you for making me think i was worth it. #i felt like i had to do all the work in that friendship. starting convos and game days and INTERACTING. #the friends i have now dont do that shit. they COMMUNICATE WITH ME. Fuck you for that too by the way! not communicating! #rant over. fuck you. im gonna sleep now knowing you wont see this cuz ya BLOCKED ME.

[be-good-to-bugs]

AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

#the bin #i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it #im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all #the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread #im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then #i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant #because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant. #literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi #its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast. #well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least. #there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for #moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently #i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone #hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man #technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that #then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that #hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much #gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too #honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work #whatever. it doenst matter. #i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that #it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long #not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it. #im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even #i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(

[girlscience]

I realized that since I was about 13 my goal with art has turned into "I have to get better, I have to improve, it's not good enough" and that has completely ruined my enjoyment of art. I used to fill notebooks with drawings of mermaids and these made up creatures called thorks. I covered everything in dragons. And now I can barely draw a doodle on a post-it note without hating it because "it's not good enough. the anatomy is bad. the perspective is wonky. it looks flat". I think I need to stop caring about what it looks like and care more about if I drew or not. My art won't improve if I don't draw, and if improving is the only thing I focus on, I won't draw. It is an ouroboros eating itself. I have to kill the ouroboros altogether.

#there was this six panel comic I wanted to make of zoro and luffy last year and never did #because i decided i didn't have the skill for it and everything i was drawing wasn't good enough #i never draw waddles or beebs because i don't like the way they end up looking #because i don't think i'm good enough #i don't draw starscream or my oc (who really needs an official name) because i don't think i'm good enough at mechs #literally if i just drew these things as much as i think about them i would get better at art!!!!! #the improvement would come with the 'i drew 100 pictures' #but instead i just think 'well i suck and i hate it' and so i don't do it :( #i need to kill that piece of my brain #why did i ever start comparing myself to other artists as a kid. it has been so unhelpful

[joycrispy]

I wanna talk about The Angel Who Would Be Crowley.

Because I had a certain set of expectations, which got thoroughly trashed in the first five minutes of S2, and my genuine response is, "Oh, fuck, yup. You're right. That's WAY better."

Looking around at GO fandom, I'm not alone in this. So let's talk about it.

Basically, a lot of people (myself included) believed that he was a high-ranking angel, and therefore as chilly and remote as every other powerful angel we'd seen at that point. We pictured Crowley-To-Be as long-haired, regal and imposing --and the fanart at the time reflected this. I'd link some if Tumblr didn't hate links.

Something like this:

We were collectively drawing on a few things --mostly, Crawly's appearance and general bearing in the Biblical scenes of S1--

--But also scattered hints of his importance, backed up by conspicuous absences in Heaven and a few profound displays of power. That's all better covered elsewhere, so I won't reiterate the arguments here. All I'm saying is: I think our headcanons were justified.

But it turns out he was this:

!!!

With his curly little--!!

And his neat white--!!

IT TURNS OUT, he was an angel who squeaked and squealed when he was happy; who flailed his arms around and made explosion noises with his mouth to explain nebulas; who preened when told his stars were pretty. Furfur, who knew him before the Fall, says:

"You used to jump on me back, little monkey in a waistcoat..."

(The use of a diminutive there, 'little'...oh, that fascinates me.)

In a pretty huge subversion of expectations, we're given these glimpses of an angel who was sweet, and joyful, and heart-meltingly silly.

In sum...an innocent.

(Perhaps innocent to a troubling degree.

We see how he troubles Aziraphale, during their first conversation. He starts looking around and behind them, checking to make sure that no one can HEAR the blithe and reckless things coming out of this angel's mouth. This angel who talks like he's never been reprimanded in his life; like it's never occurred to him that anyone would want to hurt him.

Before the Beginning, Aziraphale understood Heaven better than he did. The danger is plainly occurring to Aziraphale.)

So now, we the viewers are in on a cruel joke that Aziraphale has known all along, which is that this --THIS-- is the angel who--

*checks notes*

--did a million lightyear freestyle dive into a boiling pool of sulphur. For asking questions.

...Imagine you are Aziraphale, and everything inside you wants to believe Heaven are the Good Guys, and God is Good and Everything She does is capital-R Right...and now try to reconcile that. Keep trying. I don't think he ever totally managed it in 6000 years.

All this gets further complicated when we learn that, despite all of the above, we were still right. That sweet excitable babby up there?

He WAS a powerful and high-ranking angel.

That much is explicitly confirmed, with significant evidence that he could have been among the mightiest of archangels...

...Who apparently accosted his fellow angels for piggyback rides. And was remembered millennia later by those (now fallen) angels as something 'little.'

What does that tell us about who he was? Is?

Hell, Aziraphale has known to be wary of the archangels (and the judgements of Heaven in general) since before the Fall even happened. He chooses to believe they are Good; he can't fool himself into thinking they are Safe.

Yet he's absolutely certain that Crowley won't hurt Job's children. Enough to stand in a burning building and say to them, "I can't save you, but don't be afraid. I won't need to."

And what reason does he give?

("I know you."

"You do not know me."

"I know the angel you were.")

What does that tell us about who he was? Is?

("The angel you knew is not me."

But how is Aziraphale supposed to believe that, when he can see him all the time?)

tl;dr --yes, this is better. I love the tragedy of it.

'Innocence died screaming' and all that.

#good omens #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #Crowley #Aziraphale #good omens 2 #good omens meta