#I also fucking love wiktionary

[solradguy]

Do you think one could attain decent-ish ability to read Japanese just by studying kanji? Specifically asking because the kanji learnin' service "wanikani" is the single Japanese resource that works best with my brain, but then there are separate resources for grammar and vocab and and and.....

You will get REAAAALLLLLYYY far knowing only the kanji but you're going to have to know hiragana and katakana at some point too. Tofugu, the company that did Wanikani, has two mnemonics-based guides for the kana that are basically Wanikani Lite. They're how I learned the kana and I swear by them.

Here's hiragana: https://www.tofugu.com/japanese/learn-hiragana/

And katakana: https://www.tofugu.com/japanese/learn-katakana/

Hiragana are especially vital to learning kanji; you won't be able to use 99% of Japanese-English dictionaries without them. BUT they're pretty easy and the rules for using them are consistent. You won't have to remember any irregular exceptions for any of them.

I haven't tried it yet, but I've heard really good things about the Crystal Hunters manga series as a fun/low stress way to learning Japanese vocab and grammar. It eases the reader into new concepts and then repeats them throughout the chapter so you remember them. There are free vocab and study guides/lists for each chapter too. Might be worth checking out once you get some kanji and the kana under your belt? The first book is also free.

Official site: https://crystalhuntersmanga.com/

Good luck!!

#asks #Japanese takes like a bajillion hours forever to learn because of the 2200+ kanji lol........... #But it's sooooo consistent grammatically and with the spelling. I love it #Kinda spoiled me tbh. I look at English now and I'm like #'Why can't you be more like this. Why are you such a mess. Get your act together' #And then there's Korean's hangul writing system. It's SO BEAUTIFUL. Actual marvel of linguist engineering #The Japanese lexicon is also a lot smaller than English's too. Which is both a blessing and a curse #Less words = quicker to learn. BUUUUUTTTT less words that mesh well with English. Translation is hard!!! #Holy fuck. Ok so Wikipedia says that the English language has 755`865 words as recorded by Wiktionary #and Japanese has 500`000 according to Nihon Kokugo Daijiten #BUT THEN KOREAN. ACCORDING TO ONLINE DICTIONARY URIMALSAEM (open source dictionary) HAS 1`149`538 WORDS #The biggest lexicon is Tamil's with 1`516`952 unique headwords as recorded by online dictionary Sorkuvai #That's absolutely nuts #I got massively distracted. Enjoy my word vomit tags

[touchlikethesun]

i’ve been thinking about haikyuu name meanings again, so i thought i’d share two of the name meanings that make me smile a lot :)))

木　boku - tree 兎　to - rabbit (?) 光　kou - shining, glory, pride 太郎　tarou - “great” son or first son 赤　aka - red, communism (??) 葦　ashi - reed (?) 京　kei - ten quadrillion; other readings (kyou, tokyo), capital city 治　ji - govern, regulate

so i’ve purposefully kept the direct kanji meanings, even tho most of them are simple and/or non sensical when applied to bokuto and akaashi’s character. but i've done so to replicate my own confusion and (hopefully) eventual satisfaction when i’d worked tho the many layers of word play.

so the first character of bokuto’s name 木 (tree) i originally thought was supposed to tie him to owls, yknow bc owls are often sitting in trees, and that might be part of it, but when 木 is used in adjectival constructions (so instead of ‘tree’ it might mean more ‘wooden’) and applied to people it often carries pejorative connotations of stupidity, close to the english ‘blockheaded’ - which i have to admit. did make me chuckle. (note: i thought there might be some connection between boku and boke the insult kags is always launching at hinata but they seem to be unrelated go figure)

兎 (to) was another confusing one, since ordinarily 兎 is the character for usagi (rabit), but when read as to there didn't seem to be any real mean associated with it, which is funny because most of the names in hq!! have more thought put into them then that. i was just about to write it off, when i looked up the two kanji together on wiktionary and-

木兎　mimizuko - alt. spelling for eagle/horned owl

see above: eagle owl and bokuto koutarou for comparaison.

so basically in bokuto's name there is both a pun calling him a bit thick and a pun with the type of owl that inspired him how fucking incredible is that??? i personally love it

光太郎 (koutarou) seems to be a bit more of a traditional name, and we also have a very clear in-universe explanation for it's meaning. bokuto is the youngest of three with two older sisters, and it seems mr and mrs bokuto were very proud to finally have a son (ehhh patriarchy sucks sorry it is what it is) and wanted to give him a name that reflected their feelings. however, i do also think that 光 can also be taken to represent bokuto's presence in the series as a whole.

the first meaning of 光 being 'shining' obviously makes me think of the most bokuaka line in all of canon "we are the stars of the world" (ik some translations use protagonists in place of stars but shhh i'm being symbolic plus the vers i read used "stars"), because bokuto is such a star, he shines so brightly, and motivates so many people (the least of whom being akaashi and the rest of fukurodani). bokuto was always destined for glory and stardom in volleyball, but i think he's also just. so bright of a person. like yes, ofc he has his moods and his caprices, but that doesn't change how much he just, well, shines, brightens up a room. i don't know how much of this was intentional or accidental, but i like it.

~

like with bokuto's name, i ran into a bit of trouble with 赤葦 (akaashi) at first. literally, it means red reed, which didn't really seem significant. although 赤 (aka) also means 'red' as in 'communist' so now even tho it is certainly not at all the intended meaning i now and forever will headcanon akaashi as being a communist or someone at the very least well versed in communist theory. however, like with bokuto, akaashi's name is actually a reference to アカアシフクロウ (akaashi-fukuro) or アカアシモリフクロウ (akaashi-mori-fukuro), so another type of owl

i've already talked about what i find so amusing about 京治 (keiji) in this post, but to summarise here (actually maybe this counts as an expansion?), the most relevant part to akaashi's character is the second kanji 治, meaning to govern or to regulate. 治 is sometimes used on it's own, but it is also often used in compounds related to peace, healing, (and politics, my commie akaashi headcanon wins again hahaha).

i think akaashi's character evolves from what it was intended to be, and i'm not sure how accurate this meaning is by the time we reach the end of canon (or maybe i've just been reading to much bokuaka fic and it's skewing my perception of him), but akaashi started out a bit like bokuto's external emotional regulator. for someone with as insane mood swings as bokuto, mood swings that other people struggled to understand and react to, he must have had quite a hard time, and indeed we're shown that his difficulties managing his emotions seriously and negatively affects his performance on the court. enter akaashi. akaashi, who through careful observation, quickly learns to not just react to bokuto's mood swings, but to understand them, their causes, and even eventually to anticipate them, effectively giving bokuto the tools he needs to learn to control his emotions and continue giving his all like akaashi knows he can.

i think it's relevant that 治 is also used to talk about healing and peace, (and not just governing which has rather unfortunate implications of control and coercion that i don't particularly like) because that is what akaashi's presence in bokuto's life ultimately provides, as evidenced by bokuto's growth by the end of the series ("hey look guys i'm just a normal ace!" meaning he's learned to manage his emotions by himself, something that i think would have been a much longer and harder journey without akaashi's influence).

when i said i'm not sure how accurate 治 is when applied to akaashi's character by the end of the series, i mean that i think it downplays the reciprocal nature of bokuto and akaashi's relationship, because for as much as akaashi helps bokuto manage his mood swings, bokuto also provides a lot of emotional support and motivation to akaashi. and i'm not sure this was something that furudate had already taken into account when first coming up with these characters.

i think there might be smaller symbolic meaning relating to akaashi's position as a setter, but that's really only a minor detail i think...

anyways, there you have it! bokuaka kanji meanings and thoughts!! do let me know if you have different interpretations, or if i've missed something, i really really reallyyyyy like talking about things like this but for now brb i am going to go read like a dozen bokuaka oneshots xx

#i feel like their names being owl refs is common knowledge like i feel like i already knew that #and had just forgotten #so to anyone that didn't already know or needed the reminder #here it is lol #bokuto koutarou #akaashi keiji #bokuaka #haikyuu #fukurodani

[queerslurheritageposts]

Hi! I was curious about the history of the word fairy as a queer slur, and I got the impression that that's the kind if thing you'd love to ramble about. If I'm wrong, that's fine, I can do my own research, but I wanted to ask you first

oh FUCK yes!! funnily enough I don't actually know much about the history of this particular slur other than that it seems to have been used most commonly towards particularly effeminate of flamboyant gay men. So YOU, lovely anon, have given us the opportunity to do something we love- research!

According to the wiktionary page for the word fairy in general, homophobic uses of the term were/are most common in the US and Northern England, and lists a few instances of its use as such in literature from the 1930s, 50s, and 80s. I also came across this fabulous tiktok on the terms history, which mentioned the term being used as early as 1895, in a section of the American Journal of Psychology discussing "inverts" (a common term for gay men at the time). The video also discusses how the term started falling out of fashion once the community started to reclaim the term, particularly thanks to the work of Harry Hay, who cofounded a counterculture movement called Radical Faeries in the late 70s

#asks #not a heritage post #the fairy rambles #thank you for the chance to both infodump and learn some new stuff! #had a bit of trouble finding info at first but that tiktok was super helpful actually #other queer history nerds will recognize the name Harry Hay as he also cofounded the Mattachine Society

[yourlocalmissingtexture]

Anyone want some German language trivia of uncertain accuracy and the story of how I (maybe) came to learn the precise meaning of one (1) word? Then you found the right post!

Obligatory disclaimer that I am not fluent in German whatsoever. I discovered this information after rummaging through Google Translate and Wiktionary, so don’t quote me on any of this. I’m 100% sure this is common knowledge to those fluent in German, but I still wanted to ramble about it because it kinda blew my mind. Also I’m going to be talking about a song that may or may not allude to SA or possibly CSA. I don’t linger on it too much but still, read on with caution.

So I love the German heavy metal band Rammstein, have since I discovered them over 10 years ago. I’m not exactly a superfan but they’re one of my all time favorite groups for sure. The first song I heard from them was “Waidmanns Heil,” which roughly translates to “Huntsman’s Salute.”

For context, the song is pretty raunchy (to put it frankly, which is pretty unremarkable for the band), using the metaphor of hunting deer to hunting, uh, partners. I’m not going to elaborate on the intricacies of that, Genius Lyrics has a decent enough English translation if you’re curious. I’m talking about a specific word used in the beginning of the song.

Ich bin in Hitze schon seit Tagen (I have been in heat for days now)

So werd’ ich mir ein Kahlwild jagen (so I will hunt myself a hind)

Genius Lyrics translates Kahlwild (a neuter noun btw!) as “hind,” an older term for a mature female deer that seems to have originally been used primarily when talking about red deer, which are native throughout much of Europe. When I was younger I remember seeing a translation that rendered it as “female game.”

“Okay, it means doe. So what?”

I like etymology, and I know German is known for cramming words together to make a new one, so I wanted to see what the separate components were. I figured the -wild part referred to wild game, so then kahl must mean something on its own, right?

Right! Kahl means bald. So, together it means bald game. Google Translate specifically translates it as bald deer, however. The definition it gives roughly says that it refers to “female or young game [deer] without antlers.”

Kahlwild can refer to does, sure, but it could also be referring to fauns, or at least any deer that isn’t a buck with antlers.

First off, how cool is that? There’s a specific word for “deer without antlers” that isn’t just buck. Languages are so cool.

Secondly, holy shit that could introduce a whole other fucked up level of interpretation to the song. Maybe that wasn’t exactly intended, I don’t know. It wouldn’t be the first time Rammstein has written about either SA or CSA, but still, woah.

This post has been brought to you by Procrastination™️. “Why do The Thing You Should Be Doing when you can comb through Rammstein’s discography and make a playlist instead?”

TL;DR: the German word Kahlwild means “a deer without antlers.” Maybe.

#talking to myself #my writing #is this an essay? #waidmanns heil #rammstein #mostly me infodumping on my mutuals or anyone else who stumbles across this lmao #do correct me if I’m wrong those of you who know what you’re talking about #my German is not that good but I’m working on it #language learning #tw csa mention #tw csa #tw csa implied #tw sa #tw sa mention #tw sa implied #tw hunting #not sure if all those tags are needed but just in case

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Salut ma bien-aimée! I have a question about French and learning French stuff for you!

In one of your previous answers to me, you had recommended a site for translations that was better than google translate. I've managed to misplace that answer, would you be able to either link me back to that or re-say it?

And do you know of a site that's like dictionary.com but in French? Like, one types in the word and out pops all the definitions and the pronounciation and etc etc etc?

You said you're happy to be a free resource, so I hope you don't mind my asking too much! Have a good afternoon and I love you very much!

Coucou mon amour <3

The website is Wordreference, french to english or english to french (it's also good for spanish, and maybe German but I've never used it for that). The definitions have context & nuances, and you can look up some phrases, but it's not a super long completely unreadable page. Teachers often recommend it instead of google translate, and they're right to, it IS better. The other site I recommended was the Bescherelle, for conjugation, french kids have a paper version to use in class in middle school but there's a web version too!

For a dictionary, you can use the Wiktionary in french, it also has slang and it's neat, or you can look at the modern dictionaries page of the CNRTL, which links to the 8th and 9th editions of the Académie Française's dictionary (which, fuck the Académie Française, but it should be a pretty complete dictionary), as well as the Trésor de la Langue Française informatisé, which was finished in 94 and is therefore not up to date and never will be again, but is supposed to be pretty complete. The CNRTL also has a section of old dictionaries, if for some reason you want to read old french. Those are best accessed on a computer, they're really not optimised for mobiles. Otherwise, the online version of the Larousse is there, it has audio files for the pronunciation, it's one of the classic paper dictionaries in France, and it's updated every year (you often hear about x slang word entering the Larousse/the Robert and people whining about it because they're cunts)

It's fine, it's my area of expertise in a way so it's good that I can be useful! Thank you and I hope you have a good day as well!! <3 <3 <3

#the wiktionary was my dad's recommendation but it is pretty neat #the cnrtl/tlfi i have never really used before but my teachers did recommend them #wow i have an asks tag now

[urmumlelecksdee]

Just sent someone an ask asking their thoughts on hnk translations and I have OPINIONS

Bortz vs Bort is pretty clear to me it's just Bort. The name of the gem irl is Bort. Some mf making a sub (or maybe dub too idk I haven't heard it) heard the Japanese VAs say "ボルツ," which sounds like "bo-ru-tsu," and decided that their name is now Bortz. But that's like,, not the name lol its Bort. Tbf though googling Bortz comes up wiht a Wiktionary disambiguation page leading to Bort so like idk

---

Kongō vs Adamant is more of a question of translation vs localization. From the hnk wiki:

The kanji used in Kongo (金剛) is derived from the term Vajra, which means both "diamond" and "thunderbolt". A vajra is a symbol representing a force that is both indestructible and able to cut any substance (hence diamond), as well as unstoppable (hence thunderbolt).

So you can see where the word "Adamant" would come from this. The wiki page explains more on the origins of that word but you probably follow from here. While this is a good translation of the word in this context, Kongō isn't an adjective to be translated, it's his NAME! We don't translate characters named Yuki to Snow!

The argument here though is in lost meaning and intent. Kongō's name is such to carry the meaning (along with his figure) that he is one of great strength and formidability. The meaning of his name carries this through. It's like naming a character "Dr. Evil." The meaning of his name is that he's fucking evil. Or Dr. Eggman. He's shaped like an egg.

But this is about MY opinion, and MY opinion is that we should just use his name. I'm not really a fan of changing a character's name in a translation, even if meaning is lost, even in the name of localization. His name is Kongō and I like it that way.

---

And now for the PRONOUNCE! To my understanding, the Japanese language doesn't have gender-neutral pronouns, so the gems use words such as 'boku' and 'ore,' masculine terms, which double as being gender-neutral in languages lacking gender-neutral terms.

One manga translation interprets this as just using he/him pronouns for everyone. This just,, feels like it's missing the point. The gems really aren't that masculine and calling them all 'he' doesn't feel right.

Another translation uses they/them. I like this a lot better. They're all intended to be genderless after all.

But I think the individual gems are more nuanced than that. Diamond and Red Beryl for example are obviously super feminine, there's no argument there and I feel comfortable calling them she. Even the less hyperfem gems like Bort or Cinnabar don't feel androgynous enough to warrant more than a she/her. But we also have gems like Phos and Antarc, who totally feel a they/them and Antarc maybe even a they/he.

Ghost/Caringorm are my favorites to explore this with though. They're just a big trans allegory. Ghost feels feminine, but this "other person inside her" is too gender to be left alone. And when the outer shell is forcibly shredded away from Caringorm (in a really gruesome scene might I add), a much more masculine entity emerges, one that has always been there, fighting for control the whole time. Sound familiar? It's trans as fuck!

But even then Caringorm doesn't feel all the way he/him! They're like a he/they/she with how they act with Aechmea, solidly genderfluid in my eyes.

---

But that's just a the- my thoughts! I'd love to hear someone else's input on this too

#houseki no kuni #hnk #PRONOUNCE #idk how to tag things tbh

[lexa-el-amin]

I'm really glad you don't mind hearing from me and answering me, because i don't think i'm gonna stop bugging ya anytime soon 😊

Also i lied, i do have some questions! Ending a sentence with "oder?" That turns it into a question yea? It would be like ending a sentence with "right?" or "don't you think?" Is there anything else it could mean that i'm missing?

Please explain "tja" and "na!" Does tja really just mean "well?" Something similar to saying "also"? And i've heard naaa used as a greeting in one of the shows i was watching. So i assume it's like a casual, informal greeting?

1) ending sentences in "oder?" does exactly what you described. in english you'd also use stuff like "this is great, isn't it?" which calls for an "oder" in German (Das ist super, oder?)

2) tja

i checked Wiktionary for an explanation and i love what it says:

it's used as a summary with a mostly negative connotation

it's used to summarize the result of a conversation

it's used to comment when something happened that was predicted beforehand

it's used to skeptically evoke a mental pause

so it's one word but it says so much!!

e.g. someone tells you about something that happened to them but they are a dumb person so it was absolutely predictable that they would fuck something up, you can just say "tja." as in "well, that isn't a suprise you idiot"

or you hear the news and a billionaire has been doing tax evasion again? that's tja right there

someone lost their jacket for the tenth time? tja.

someone didn't study for an exam and failed? tja.

3) na is kind of like the English "well" i guess. it is a particle that can be used at the beginning of a sentence to express agreement or disagreement, surprise, doubt, and many more tbh.

e.g. "Na, ob das gut geht." as in i doubt if this will work out.

"Na, das sehe ich aber anders." - well i have a different opinion on that.

and it can also be used in greeting, it's informal and you'd say it to friends and family. e.g. "Na, wie geht's?"

i hope that helped! :)

#language #german #allthingsgerman #angel tag

[leatherbookmark]

oh hey, this sex scene has some things changed/added too

i’m not done with reading yet, so there might be more changes after that (although i don’t think so?) but between wwx asking “does it feel good inside me” and him going “lan zhan you’re dooone for what would your uncle say if he knew you’re fucking before marriage? ;p” there’s a whole scene that’s honestly... kinda cute lol?

basically, wwx asks “does it feel good inside me?” and lwj -- who was either “stupidly straightforward” (japanese meaning) or “dull” (chinese meaning of 愚直) in love, didn’t know how to get along with others and wasn’t particularly talkative, answers by biting wwx’s lips and thrusting harder.

then, wwx goes “lan zhan, lan zhan lan zhan lan zhan -- i really love you to death! i’m yours, i’m only yo-- wait, be more gentle!”. then he tears up again, “as if he was so happy that he went round to sadness”, and asks lwj again to please be gentle, this place is sensitive, don’t just go all out on me, if you do it too hard you’ll break me i’m just a little birthday boy etc etc, THEN (honestly one of my favourite moments, WHAT an absurd man)--

“lan zhan, you’re really the best, not only you’re such a beautiful little thing, you play the qin so well, your calligraphy skills are top notch, you’re a strong and skilled cultivator, you’re so good in bed, why are you so irresistible, how can i not love you--”

poor lwj says nothing, and the narration notes that wwx has been born shameless but also had the property of getting more excited the more shameless nonsense he spouted. lol

then he spreads his legs (meekly, submissively, etc etc) and goes on, basically telling lwj to fuck him more and deeper, come inside etc -- lwj does fuck him deeper indeed, to which wwx is back at his little birthday boy act, nonono, help, that’s not what i meant, this is too much. lwj’s like YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW and wwx once again spreads his legs, once again in a meek/docile way, and eggs lwj on like “gege, lan-gege, i’m going to die, you’re KILLING ME, i’m sorry i’m sorry, this is my first time, please be gentler” to which lwj’s like well ARE you really asking for mercy or doing that on purpo-- STOP moving your hips

wwx goes “someone heeelp pleasee, hanguang-jun, i won’t do it agaaaain” etc etc, lwj kisses his tears and says with audible difficulty that he’s being serious, wwx should stop doing this because he won’t be able to control himsef, that it’s SCARY and he’s sorry. wwx, seeing this, softens in his heart and says “don’t apologize. and if you break me... i really want you to break me”

and then we’re back to the “omg lan zhan you’re done for!” thing, except instead of “…I have long since been like this.”, lwj says “we've already bowed three times” (とっくに三拝した).

i think the original chinese is 早完了 which, since my chinese skills are 50% gtrans and 50% wiktionary/baidu/pleco, doesn’t tell me much lmao. 完了 is “finished, concluded, done, over” and 早 is “early; fast” so the meaning is like “it’s too late/it’s done” but what? what’s already happened? who knows, it’s context city now!

i looked it up on tt, and japanese users are... having problem with it as well lol;;; apparently there was an interview where mxtx said they did bow three times, i think a screenshot is here and it seems she said it happened AFTER they fucked? (生命大和谐 aka “an undescribable scene” gfkjhgjfskg) but do we count the bathtub or the grass as their first time? i think she mentioned adding it in the edited version, but if she did, then i either didn’t notice it or forgot about it OTL;; also, at the end she said “everyone can imagine how it went on their own, it was probably wwx being wild” which. mxtx for god’s sake please. this japanese fan has a whole thread about this mystery, and mentions “we’ve already bowed three times”, “i’m already done for” and “we’re already done for”. hm.

EDIT: AH WAIT I KNOW.

wwxは一旦振り返ると、もう一度 江枫眠夫婦の位牌に向かって真面目に数回地面に頭をつけて拝礼してから、lwjと一緒に立ち上がった。

Wei Wuxian turned around for a moment, once again bowed a couple times facing the Jiang Fengmian and his wife’s tablets, and left together with Lan Wangji.

this one? are we supposed to assume lwj bowed here as well... mxtx you are the master of leaving things unsaid in a frustrating way

#liveshrimping

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Weirdly Specific Get to Know Me Questions

Alright bestie, 1-20, gimme ALL of 'em.

Oh heck! I love you for this. (I mean, I already loved you for other reasons, but now I love your Ask style, too!)

It's getting a cut though because I can't ever give an Incomplete Answer.

1. What is your go to flavor of salad dressing? None! I despise salad dressing. I really hate the taste of vinegar, and I also hate the taste of ranch, so there's not a dressing in the world for me. I've used homemade teriyaki sauce in lieu of dressing before, though. Mostly I just enjoy the taste of vegetables unironically.

2. What’s the t-shirt you wear the most? I... don't usually wear t-shirts, actually. Blouses and such instead. But I have a Blue Lantern T-shirt I tend to wear on laundry day, it's just a medium blue shirt with a big black-on-white Blue Lantern symbol over the chest. Got it at the last MidOhioCon, I believe (before that one stopped and WizardWorld took over). I waffled between Blue and Indigo Lantern for me, but I decided the stronger theme in my life is Hope, and I like all the Blue Lantern characters in Blackest Night / Brightest Day. Hope Corgi holds a very special place in my heart.

3. What TV show can you quote the most? Oh, definitely '03 Teen Titans. I've seen every single episode a bare minimum of 10 times, usually more like 25. And even more than that for the ones I really enjoy.

4. Do you put your left shoe on first or your right? It depends on how I'm sitting. Usually the right, but if my skirt has an... immodest... slit or something on that side, I'll put on the left foot first and use that shod foot as an anchor to pivot and contort myself so as to not show off my underwear. 8F

5. What’s your study routine? When I was in school? Reading! Honestly, mostly just reading. I tend to learn best linguistically and I've always had a knack for reading comprehension, so words on a page works fine for me. I do copy Main Idea things down in notebooks, and in my Latin classes I cross-referenced Wiktionary and the Latin-English Dictionary my mother gave me for a deeper dive, but mostly I just read the material and take notes. I reread my notes at the end of every class, and then maybe once a week or two, I'll reread my notes for that whole chapter. (Fun fact: I didn't really study in study hall. I mostly doodled or wrote fanfiction.)

6. One sound you can’t stand? The Spongebob Squarepants themesong. Listen, I'm not trying to be a hater, but it's just not my brand of humor, and as a child I was ridiculed and forced to watch it specifically because I told people I didn't want to watch it. So like, Bad Associations.

7. Hot showers or cold showers? Hot showers for warming up after winter days at the bus stops and ritual cleansing, cold water for hot summer days and quick showers for clarity rituals. Statistically I lean more towards cold.

8. Breakfast or no breakfast? Yeesh. So, my stomach condition tends to be worst in the mornings and right before bed, so I don't often eat breakfast. On days off I just sleep until lunch, and on work days, I'll bring a small piece of fruit, but there's only about a 35% chance I'll actually eat it. And even then, I won't usually eat it until 10 or later.

9. What age were you given “the talk?” Oh stars. Which talk? My mother's "suck it, don't fuck it" (so you don't get pregnant) talk? I think I was like 13, maybe 14 the first time. Or the "you have to sell your soul to capitalistic moneygrubbers to get by"? (Dad called it a "work ethic", but his point was basically "your life doesn't matter as much as your job.") I got that one around age 17, 18.

10. Ice in drinks or no ice? I love the cold! In an ideal situation: Yes please! Lots of ice! As much as possible! At restaurants, NOPE, because I've worked at enough restaurants to know how often they DON'T clean their ice machines. Also, I like getting More Drink. At home: Unfiltered tap water makes me feel ill, so I'll only get ice if I know it was made with filtered water. In the summers, I drink half of a water bottle, freeze it on its side, and fill the rest with the drink.

11. What’s one Halloween candy that you would hate getting as a child? Maybe Milk Duds and Dots, because I didn't like the way they stuck to my teeth?

12. Blue jeans, skinny jeans, leggings, shorts, or no pants at all? No pants at all! (When I'm around people who are comfy with it, I'm actually down for nudism...) But if I have any say in it, you'll only ever find me in a skirt. (My nickname in high school was "the [gender] who never wears pants". True story.)

13. What’s one slang term you refuse to use? The G slur, does that count?

14. Could you ever be a vegetarian? I was vegetarian for 7 years! Now I'm pescatarian, and going back to not eating fish would make me sad both physically and hedonistically, because fish is one of the only proteins I can reliably digest Without Any Risk, and also salmon is one of my favorite foods. I could do it, I have the willpower for it, and if I had the motivation, I'd lay off fish. But I wouldn't enjoy it quite as much.

15. Hardback, paperback, or e-books? Ooooh, this one always depends! For sturdiness, carrying it around for 2+ months apparently, and my very favorite books that I know I'll be rereading, I have to go hardback. I'm surprised my copy of Gideon the Ninth has survived several rereads so far, because it's the paperback. (I'm probably going to buy a hardback copy, because I'm probably going to keep rereading it and that poor book has already been through so much...) But for visits to the local book shop that doesn't often carry both, or buying out-of-print things I can't find in hardback, I'm likely to buy paperbacks because they don't usually have the same books hardbound.

16. Would you rather go through the drive thru or go inside? Not that I often go to drive-thru restaurants, but: I prefer to go inside; if I'm waiting I'd rather be standing and able to fidget/stim. Also I imagine when I start driving that at a drive-through I'll Get Distracted^tm and miss when the line moves. Not to mention, there's air conditioning in there!

17. Do you keep your car/room neat or messy? Iiiit's organized chaos. It often looks cluttered to others, but I know exactly where everything is. (I also have birds that have paper bedding and chinchillas that have paper bedding, dust baths, and hay, all of which scatters quite a bit between cleanings. But I do try to keep up on things.)

18. What’s the first app you check when you wake up? I don't use apps until after I get off work. =w= Even then, I mostly use my computer, because my phone's battery doesn't last 20 minutes when it's using WiFi. If websites count though: The first one I check is Tumblr, shortly followed by Discord.

19. If I looked in your wallet, what would I find? LOADS of things! Paper, specifically. Lots of paper. I don't have a wallet, I have a... large coin purse, I guess you'd call it? Pencil case maybe, but taller? Within it are a tiny pocket calendar, debit cards, gift cards, pens (ALWAYS pens), post-it notes from Assorted Thoughts I've had at work (including notes for stories, things I want to ask my mentor, grocery considerations, and playlist ideas), an expired passport and temps license, monthly bus pass, and assorted other papers like receipts or quotes.

20. Spicy food or non-spicy? Non-spicy, please! I actually enjoy jalapeno and can eat it with no problem, but my whole digestive system says "Fuck OFF" to anything with chili, for some reason. But hot!spicy things irritate my stomach, so I can't even eat much in the way of jalapeno. Other spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove are fine, and truly beloved! I also really like Indian spices, I think Eastern Indian is my favorite. Also note that most spicy foods are flavored with vinegar, which is a Hard Pass Every Time.

#rhs answered an ask #questions list #answers list

[kegareki]

So, the rosary thing that Kagome uses to “sit” Inuyasha, is that going to be a thing in your fic? (Or, at least, a long term thing, since in the beginning they were needed to keep Inuyasha from killing Kagome.) Would Kagami take them off eventually, or leave them on for the quest, since they’re a relatively safe way to stop Inuyasha when his demon blood takes over?

entirely honestly: i forget the rosary beads all the time. they’re called the “beads of subjugation” but do i call them that? no. i just go “oh yeah the rosary beads.” and i just Forget that they are meant as a means of control, not decoration. so… that’s also going to lapse in kagami’s mind, for the most part.

inuyasha is still getting the necklace, and the command is still going to be “sit” (osuwari, the sit command for a dog); but kagome used “sit” when embarrassed or frustrated, sometimes several times in a row, and kagami is, uh, not going to do that. i don’t dislike kagome for using the beads like that–she’s fifteen and it’s played for comedy, during those moments, and often as something that the narration implies that he “deserves”–but kagami views it differently. it’s a removal of autonomy: inuyasha cannot fight against the command. he hits the ground instantly, and hard, more like being thrown down than being dropped down. inuyasha cannot remove the beads: only the person commanding the necklace can take it off. inuyasha did not have a choice in the matter. and, additionally, inuyasha does not know kagami and has no reason to trust that they will not abuse such a power over him.

the beads were made as a means of control, and for the most part, they’re going to be treated as such.

(more under the cut! gets meandering partway through, but i talk about kikyo and the beads of subjugation, which i’ve just found out from the inuyasha wiki page for the beads and i am screaming, vs kagami and the beads of subjugation. warning for discussions of unhealthy relationships and negative opinions of kikyo!)

according to the wiki:

Originally, it was Kikyō who was going to put the beads on Inuyasha in order to make sure he behaved. She told Kaede that she was going to trick him into wearing them by telling him they were a gift. She admitted it was a bit underhanded, but by this point, she had already decided she wasn’t going to kill him, but knew he might still cause some mischief. She ultimately decided against it and made an excuse after he gifted her with one of his late mother’s treasures: a shell of rouge. Kikyō had intended the key word to be “beloved.”

the exact word is “itoshii” (愛しい), an adjective, which according to wiktionary means “dear; loveful; precious” and according to glosbe means “dear; beloved; darling; lovely; precious.”

you mean to tell me… that kikyo was going to trick inuyasha into wearing The Beads Of Subjugation so that he wouldn’t Cause Mischief, and the command word for control was going to be “beloved”?

Excuse? Me???????

when i began reading inuyasha and began conceiving kagverse kikyo, i thought that i would be doing canon kikyo a disservice, but the more i see of canon kikyo, the more i realize that kagverse kikyo–conceived before i even met canon kikyo–is a lot closer to the original than i had originally presumed, and i am so angry at her for it

i have mixed feelings towards kagverse kikyo–she is mine, and understanding her makes me more sympathetic to her and how she has been shaped, in the same way that i have mixed feelings about solas from dragon age–but canon kikyo makes me so fucking Angry. everything i learn about her makes me want to Scream! i personally view her relationship with inuyasha as manipulative, if not outright emotionally abusive (with her as the aggressor), and as all-around toxic (to both parties), and it pains me so much that the narration does not agree with me

the very idea that kikyo would try to prettify something specifically conceived “to make sure he behaved” by making the command word for obedience “beloved” is absolutely fucking disgusting

Deep Breath

okay. oookay. okay. okay.

on the other hand, two of the most important things in inuyasha and kagami’s relationship are trust and understanding. those things take time to build up, but–dear fucking god, inuyasha can trust that kagami is never going to use the beads unless it’s for a good reason. inuyasha can trust that kagami will never try to trick him into something that will hurt him. inuyasha can trust that kagami will not force him into doing something that he does not want to do (they can try to convince him, but not force. never force)

it’s not a blind trust. it’s something built up through experience and understanding of what kind of person kagami is.

(it’s not trusting in something that exists only in glimpses. it’s not trusting in something that someone can easily wipe away. it’s not trusting in something that is temporary. kagami is kagami; he learns what they are and what they want to be; and he can trust that. he can trust them.)

kagami does use the beads, eventually, but it’s for when there’s no other choice, as when inuyasha is in Full Yokai Mode and they can’t stop him through other means. and it’s–not the best, even then, but they talk about it afterward

kagami is probably the only one inuyasha would trust with this kind of power. he doesn’t like it, but he can tolerate it, because kagami is not the only one afraid that one day he will go too far and lose himself

(i got to Inuyasha Goes Full Yokai like, maybe a week ago? it’s a lot. it’s a Lot. inuyasha’s narration describes it as an overwhelming sense of joy–nothing else but joy in the violence and the blood–and sooomeone. myoga? totosai? talked about how when a hanyo taps into Full Yokai Mode, if they linger in it, they will lose all sense of what they are. they will not remember anyone, and thus will not be beholden to anyone or anything: there will only be that fierce joy and battle-lust.

So As You Can Imagine That’s Not Something That Anyone In Dog Friend Gang Wants.)

of course, kagami and inuyasha are going to have an Actual Serious Talk about the beads of subjugation and how they feel about it (both at it being used and at its future use) and they are going to agree that they will keep it unless a better option presents itself

but the rest of the Dog Friend Gang are going to make dog jokes

miroku, mildly, watching inuyasha follow kagami around: it seems the beads are more of a collar than i’d thought…sango, just as mildly: he really is a pet dog, isn’t he?inuyasha: *whips around and bristles* who are you calling a pet, huh?! if anyone, that should be shippo!shippo, currently being carried in kagami’s arms:  hey! i’m not the one on the leash!miroku: (oh, dear…)sango: (now you’ve done it…)

and this is how inuyasha is going to fight a *checks wiki* 7 yr old in a public square

#keg wrecks #kagverse #thank you for sending me an ask!!!! <3 #i. normally i rewrite answers several times in order to make them more concise but i am. tired #and cannot make my brain follow a straight path right now #ordinarily i wouldn't post lengthy negative opinions but? there's a narrative juxtaposing of kagami vs kikyo in kagverse #and it might be easier to see where i'm coming from with that with an explanation and example #i hope this is coherent. i love everyone who sends me asks and reads my kagverse stuff. thank you #Anonymous

[leatherbookmarking]

in which this humble shrimp tries to say something substantial about 黑白#K, starting from #2: Free me

SUBSTANTIAL lmao what a joke i am but a ball of ‘wow!!! nice!!! oh yeah!!!’

THIS SONG FUCKS AND ALSO SLAPS i had to fucking Pause as the second half dropped because ohhhh my god. so far this album is wonderfully creepy and wet in that both songs could easily play in the bg of a movie scene where a character is Having An Emotion Or Trying To Hide It In The Rain After Dark. the texture? of kk’s voice is So Nice, both light and slightly hoarse, like very lightly carbonated water or an article of clothing made from fabric that’s full of Holes.

moments when i !ed: that soft chuckle (reminded me of yoongi! get well soon dude) and please. hnnnng

okay. okay, this song has it all. elegant and creepy instrumentals! a more hiphoppy second verse! Guitars! (hey kuankuan do you know agust d and have you heard the last? asking for a me)

i understand why it’s his favourite because Yep

03. 决堤!

oooo a classic ballad but i dearly appreciate the guitars, esp the high-pitched tone that begins in the intro and carries over through the verse(s?). also maybe it’s just me, but it feels like in his own house lol he’s... slightly less carbonated? as in, he still is, but not as much as in other songs. good! i love his clear voice, and ahhh in this track there are moments where he hits this lllllow voice and it’s so nice, so warm.

this song in general has a pretty warm, end-of-summer colour? at least for me, for some reason? can’t wait/i’m shaking in fear of when someone translates the lyrics. someone on twt said they’re all sad and horny. this is my celeb crush brain speaking but can’t say i’m surprised

04. 重心偏移

ahhh so it’s this song, and not the last one! who knew!! godddd i missed it lol

okay, i guess i could call this song fucky if the bass was a bit more pronounced, it’s got this really nice mix of airy/light and low (thanks to the occasional bass and kk’s voice, aaaaaaa dude pls)

is this weird for me to say i like the hmmmm Noises? the alarm clock-ish one at the end of the intro and now the phone call sound. and a fadeout! Yes Thank You Nice

05. S

(obligatory haha @ the title)

SQUINTS AT THE LYRICS does he title drop the previous song wwwww

ohhh okay this one is more whimsical? lighter? ahhh i can’t find a good word. slightly fucky, even, perhaps. it’s def catchy, his higher notes in the chorus are very Yes Nice and the tattata parts just add to this (vague gesture) lying on your bed dead frog style thinking about things, and also stuff vibe

also lol @ welcome to the club of Rappers Who Say Girl

06. 备忘录

ah, this is the second one he played an excerpt of in that one live! very chill and nice but not without the Slightly Off feeling. i think the slight change of the mood that comes with the chorus reminds me of some other song i’ve heard before but i Can’t Say Which lol

mmm yeah Yes i really like the Sounds that happen in his songs, like you have this (again catchy. is it the song or is it me) melodic line but also some crackling in the bg, something that sounds like rain pattering against an umbrella, ahhh i dig it also damn the songs pass by really fast when i’m trying to write down my thoughts lol

07. 失语之前

fun thing, i’m assuming the last two characters mean something like “before (something)”; but then 失语, according to wiktionary, can mean either ‘to experience a partial or total loss of speech skills’ (so basically, aphasia?) or ‘to misspeak, miscommunicate’. jisho (a japanese dictionary because i can’t help myself) also adds the more talking-around-the-issue meaning of ‘forgetting the words; inability to pronounce a word correctly’. 有意思。

ah we are starting with Low kuankuan, yes nice nice thank you oh that one was so sweet. and then melting into milkis voice!

oh the drums are really nice in this one...! adding to the dramatic aura ww;;

his voice seems particularly hm. hmmmm Wet? slightly wobbly here, it sounds really nice with the instrumentals that sound a bit like FUCK DON’T END ON ME like a sound equivalent of diffusion. vibrating and vanishing in the air, something like that. and the end! i always love an interrupted, alarm siren-like noise. Yes

08. ES

ensemble stars? eternal summer?

OPEN YOUR EYES!! greetings from ateez

god fuck the chorus happened so fast when i was still collecting my thoughts, why is time a thing that exists!!! also, isn’t it boring if i say i love it all the time!!!

anyway, this album is a Gift, so many good hoarse low kuankuans. the chorus! hnnn

noises return! the airy atmosphere from the previous track returns and Intensifies and aaaaaah that was a nice high note yes good good sweet thank you ohhh this boy has a voice

his english lines sound so smooth and 😳

09. Free Me (J)

ohhhhhhh so THIS is the version of the song from the teaser!!! opera fuckery! creepy plink plink!!! gun cocking noise! yes!!! yesssssssss creepy haikuan my beloved

oh fuckkkkk this one has a second verse instead of a rap verse and DOES his voice do THINGS!!! the way he does 灰尘 holy fuck that’s Good and i Enjoy it (while also having a single corpsefuckening laugh lol i’m really curious about the lyrics now)

OH WHISPERING, ARE WE, I SEE and the slight key (?) raise in the v last chorus!!! and the fadeout!! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

10. 对你说!!!

ooo another ballad, this one’s definitely more suited for a last track! this one is slightly more bare, often with just the strings and kk’s voice until oh!! electric guitar! my king your fucking brain

omg is that a harmonica :’‘) end of summer feels intensify :’)

ah no but it’s really working for me. high notes (violins in the bg, piano) mid (?) notes (kuankuan) + low notes (cello!!!) = ahh shrimp is satisfied.

and his voice gets so light/airy/quiet at the end! ‘我不懂留恋’ :’)

OVERALL THOUGHTS: none, i’m just wiggling in Yes!!!

honestly, i was kind of excited-but-anxious about this release because What If It’s Not My Jam, or if it’s all Chill Hiphop Beats but in that bland way that i forget the second after the song is over? yeah well! nope! it’s a good album. It’s A Good Album Brent! and it’s... really nice because yes, he did work w/ the same people on most of the songs, so it should be expected, but at the same time there really is a kind of, hmm, Style? Theme? that’s coherent and the songs go well together without sounding the same. i really loved the instrumentals and you can see a lot of work went into them -- it’s like! details in a piece of art, but musically! and voice-wise, ohhh was i satisfied! kk can really amp up the carbonation in his voice, and i think i’ve said a couple of times that i’m not exactly a fan of it, but here -- yeah! sometimes his voice Was carbonated, but not to an extent that would bother me, and it was balanced by the times when he got either very low or quite high, and i do adore when he does that! his voice can get so sweet when he goes particularly high and i! am! a big! fan!!!

tl;dr RATTLES THE CAGE OF MP3LESS WESTERNER EVEN MORE

#shut up shrimp #ITS A GOOD ALBUM MY GUYS

[horsebitesfence]

On Chronophobia and ADHD – RB with Hestia Peppe

RB: hey, i think i just self-diagnosed with ADHD, am i right in thinking that's something you know about? would welcome any recs you might have for reading/resources

.

RB: (it would explain so muchhhh)

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RB: (also wondering about the rel between ADHD and trauma)

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HP: Oooh yes! ADHD is definitely the errr paradigm I am working with right now if that's a way to think about it.

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HP: I am actually amazed by how practically useful it has been to think in these terms.

But I will say in terms of research/resources stuff is thin on the ground and mixed up with a lot of neurocognitive research which i find quite dodgy in places, not to mention the (very american) pharmaceutical agenda.The best stuff i found has been self advocacy descriptive personal account stuff, and that has been very much a process of reading between the lines.

Basically, people with ADHD tend to at least appear quite ‘high functioning’ (not an ideal phrase because hierarchies) so go undetected often, and then its very very stigmatised, i would say, in that often symptoms or traits are judged in moral terms. The most important sort of secondary ideas i have found are about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and anxiety as a hugely comorbid secondary issue which is more likely to be treated than the ADHD itself.

The relationship to discipline and goal-setting is formative, as is chronophobia or a traumatised relation to time, and sometimes memory. The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so process is more fulfilling than completion of work; but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: As far as its relation to trauma goes, i would say it probably renders us more vulnerable to CPTSD. Lack of diagnosis or 'management' of ADHD leads to problematic coping mechanisms, leading possibly to abusive or addictive behaviours or on the other end vulnerability from a lack of or funky interpersonal boundaries. But whether anything is causal/symptomatic or comorbid seems always particularly hard to tell with ADHD, partly because of the non-typical relation to time.

HP: The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so [that] process is more fulfilling than completion of work, but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

.

HP: On the plus side, [my] university and NHS [practitioners] have both been really encouraging about seeking help for it and getting a psychiatric diagnosis, which i am interested in, tho will no doubt have its downsides.

Most important, i think, is that mental health problems are treated in the context of ADHD as a constitution, rather than [in isolation], and i think that would go for trauma stuff too. Apparently ADHD folks have less success with SSRIs than others.
I think a body focused/somatic approach [is] v. v. productive, for both ADHD and trauma.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [also] seems key. It’s the idea that the emotional impact of rejection is almost irrationally high in many ADHD folks, but [then again] this may be a traumatised relation from the stigma of ADHD, and literally being reprimanded more often than neurotypical folks, rather than being an essential difference. So if there's an interaction with trauma specific to ADHD it might be related to emotional response to external stimuli being higher.

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RB: gosh, yea.

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HP: Sorry so much.

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RB:  Wondering how receptive my gp would be to my requesting an adult diagnosis

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HP: My GP was like ‘yes, will refer u immediately’, but that’s with a recommendation from an Ed Psych which uni paid for. *UPDATE: NHS maybe aren’t doing this as quickly as i thought, so it remains to be seen if they follow through; and university seems to just be sending me through as many hoops as possible, lots of assessments, minimal support systems.

.

RB: ok

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RB:  i saw this on Twitter – ‘ADHD Explained Using Comics’ by Dani Donovan,1

and, like, so much of it is me. ,2So much. idk what chronophobia is but def. have weird relationship with time. Very weird.

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HP:  I have sort of made up chronophobia but am sure its a thing.

..

RB: 'comorbidity'

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RB:  i feel lost in time.

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HP: It seems to me the best stuff around is DIY stuff exactly like the comics u link to

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RB: also – trouble starting anything; trouble finishing without hard external deadlines – so me.

 .

RB: why i never write

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HP:  I think these are like the defining traits tbh

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RB: even tho i want/need to be writing

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RB: + procrastinating

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HP:  Comorbidity is the creepiest word

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RB: as described ^^

HP:  Same!

RB: do u medicate for it, may i ask? seems like mindfulness / meditation cld really be helpful

RB:  i had an insane year on citalopram

HP: In America they see it as essential to medicate for it from a v early age but i am like v v v skeptical

.

RB: sertraline seemed better

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HP:  I took Prozac for 5 years; it didn’t do much except make me sleepy and a bit ok with shit life, but for ADHD it’s Ritalin or Vyvanse, so treatment with low constant dose of stimulants (*sometimes also something called dopamine blockers, but I don't know the details).

RB: ok; so, like coffee? just on my risky 2nd cup.

HP:  I dont myself want this prescription.

HP:  Am sure mindfulness etc v. good, but i do think body-focused methods best.

RB: ok

HP: I read this Twitter by Erynn Brook (sp?), and she advocates meds but also talks a lot about building in good coping mechanisms like how you organise yrsrlf in space/time in ways that work for u.

RB: yea; more interested in strategy

HP: So yeah strategy v. key.

RB: hey thanks so much, also in as much as i may unconsciously have posited u as gatekeeper. couldn’t have hoped for a more helpful reply.

HP: No worries! It’s good talking to other people about it cos the grand narrative of it is well shaky

HP: One thing i have worked out is that it’s all just emerging now so u can’t really gatekeep it, thank fuck. Glad to be helpful always. Check out Erynn Brook and remember being kind to yourself cos probably u havent been being if u just got to this point.

[time passes]

RB: hey, i'd really like to hear a bit more about your thinking on chronophobia;

it stayed with me as a strong motif.  felt so 'full' when you said it it took me a while to realise i hadn't asked u to describe it.

HP: Yes I would love to see you and talk about all this stuff. I have thoughts tjoughts thought ... Google searching ‘Chronophobia’ brings up this book from MIT about art in the 60s:

https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/chronophobia. It appears to be also a term in use in psychology/self help; is in wiktionary, and appears to mean the obvious: fear of the passing of time. Associations with incarcerated people, particularly, suffering from it and also anyone suffering from heightened stress and anxiety. Searching chronophobia + ADHD, there are plenty of hits, so, again, this seems a well-made connection. I’m also thinking about ‘Chrononormativity’, an idea i was first introduced to by my friend Helen Stuhr Rommereim, and which I think she gets from Elizabeth Freeman (possibly via Lauren Berlant), in relation to ‘queer time’ or a failure to achieve normative milestones in the time allotted, such as maturity, childbearing, marriage. Her paper on this is included in the documentation of a conference about Chris Kraus we both attended in 2013, which is where we met as we were on the same panel. 3

HP: Context in my work right now – all of this to do with ideas about speculation, past/present/future, chance/fate, resistance to goal/plan/target, not knowing what to do.

I’m currently doing some early/cursory research into the mythology of the fates (Ancient Greek and other cultures) as spinners, and thread as line; trying to parse linearity and how it might or might not relate to neurodivergence/neurotypicality. I like lines as a way of following or tracing, and also drawing as well as writing –thinking a lot about the work of Renee Gladman, who is interested in architecture and fiction (prose architectures), and works with drawing and writing and the relation between the two – so, also automatic and asemic writing. I also think a lot about Ariadne’s red thread in the labyrinth, and now that i am trying to learn to spin, how all threads are made of many tiny ones. This trying to spin has grown out of an old durational performance work i have done for years – so, durational performance, as a form, is part of this, maybe, for me. I always like the durational form, as it is more about setting up boundaries in space and then letting time happen than [it is about] existing in linear time. Chronophobia as anxiety about mortality, and control, or volition/agency; or the trace of subjectivity in the world (cf maybe tim ingold). Also, there are two types of time in the classical sense: Kairos (the now) and Chronos (history), or something like that.  None of this is fact-checked, I must say.Tarot cards relating to time are: wheel of fortune, temperance, death, the hanged man.

HP: Not sure i am doing this right, but thought some context to the earlier conversation might be useful for orientation, at the same time as thinking about my own self-diagnosis of ADHD and how it relates to knowledge and action and intention and access. Not sure if you saw this on my Twitter, but I thought it was a very good overview of neurodiversity discourse as it stands: https://www.janinebooth.com/content/two-and-half-cheers-neurodiversity

RB: Thanks. You’re doing this very right, I’d say.  Like somewhere back in the transcript there is a ‘gosh, yea’ of mine which stands in as a marker for the point at which my mind was blown, began to make new neural connections, bathed in a sort of speechless radiant awe for what you said; and this feels the same only more so, galaxy brain in mandelbrot – only grounded in and by your efforts to verbalise it and connect it with your work and that of others. That this is what you’re working on for your doctorate – I am awed and excited to know it. I would really like to be present when you perform.  I’m really impressed by your articulation. I feel such a relieved shock of recognition for chronophobia as you describe it, as something I had begun to acknowledge and articulate internally, but never outside myself, verbally or otherwise; nor had any inkling that it might be tangled up with ADHD ... nor that it is something other people experience or know about, nor that you are working on it in this profound way. I feel less alone and am honoured that you shared this here with us.

RB: Also – ehheh!  I saw today that we both liked this tweet

RB: Another highlight, for me, of today’s feed –

RB: I’m always keen for writers’ writing on technique, scanning in case I find a key there to my own outward articulacy and/or the means to vanquish distraction/avoidance. Just remembered when the poet Lucy Mercer said to me that as a writer, I’m a weaver. I was happy with that then and I am happy with it here, in this context. 4

HP: Hey! This is all so kind of you to say I am sort of overwhelmed. I can't believe i have even been paid for this already, so shout out to that. I made up chronophobia because  i wanted a way to describe my fear of time. I dont think it was really to talk to anyone else about it. I looked it up afterwards when I mentioned it to you I guess i have really let you have it with the inner monologue. I looked it up after I mentioned it to you. I figured that this had, you know, happened before, that other people would already be using this word. And they are. As a sort of intra-post-script, it is important to say that in terms of ADHD I came to this knowledge or understanding after like 12 years working as a private tutor, and without the students I worked with in that time I don’t see how I would have got to this articulation, so immense gratitude and respect to them for the thinking we did together about how thinking and learning work for different people.

HP: I was going to email you and ask for a deadline today but in the end i didn't write any emails because i was just spinning yarn on the wheel. It’s an amazing process learning to do it. Like a truly never-has-to-end embodied action. I think it could be the best way to replace some obsessive Twitter scrolling. My dad totally gets it. He says singing while spinning, that's the thing, he's heard. I learnt how to learn things from him mostly. I think maybe both my folks have ADHD. It’s supposed to be super heritable.

HP: My mum's a doctor. That's maybe where I get the cavalier attitude to discussing stuff like this you are supposed to be an expert to be allowed to think about. I am absolutely not an expert except perhaps of my own experience. Which this is, but but i push it, i know that. tho I don’t want the meds, I absolutely want to stress i am not like totally against meds. Chemicals are fine and good. Like coffee or you know whatever works. I am just in favour of people being given the best possible understanding of any treatment they undergo. I feel like i wanna unwind my own coping mechanisms like manually. Maybe that's a perk of late diagnosis – for me, anyway.

HP: I have to stop now. I am in a park and it’s dark now. I was sitting in the park cos i was an hour early to get a lift from my friend because i was so worried about being late. It’s perfect timing though. If you like sitting in parks watching orange street-lamps through blossom as if they are the sunset like some kinda shook moth. Which I do. And then type super fast into a phone cos you know someone asked.

HP: Thanks xx

RB: <3

RB: Thank you

1 –   https://Twitter.com/danidonovan/status/1100414551932030984

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3 (http://www.metamute.org/editorial/books/you-must-make-your-death-public-collection-texts-and-media-work-chris-kraus )

4 mercer | ˈməːsə | noun British, chiefly historical a dealer in textile fabrics, especially silks, velvets, and other fine materials. (Oxford English Dictionary Version 2.3.0 (203.16.12))