#I don't have the spoons tonight

[one-abuse-survivor]

I am experiencing symptoms

#Trauma #Trauma meme #Ptsd meme #Abuse survivor meme #Abuse meme #I am going through it right now and this is the only way I can express it right now #It's so annoying because I KNOW this is the trauma but it still gets me every single time #Like I'll lend someone my laptop and then my Internet connection will be slightly slow and they'll frown and I'll be like #Wow maybe I don't deserve to exist after all. Maybe they hate me for offering to help because they could've get it done faster otherwise #Maybe I should just not talk to anyone ever again so I don't bother others with my stupid ideas and my stupid presence #... Yeah I am really not okay today huh #Guilt tw #Negative self talk tw #Negative self talk #No id #I don't have the spoons tonight #If anyone wants to add it I'd be thankful!!

[words-writ-in-starlight]

You could say that I have strong feelings about this ongoing debate

#critical role #we can all have coffee on Ludinus' grave and debate the nature of morality until we're blue in the face. but priorities. #cr spoilers #bell's hells #HHHHHHH false dichotomies are not a friend #the choice is not a binary Gods Or Predathos #and you should not pick Predathos just because you don't like the other option!!!!! #anyway i have uhhhh 15 memes that i made tonight because that is who i am as a person #also. also. hey. guys. everybody. #if your philosophical debate is leading you to go 'idk maybe the murderers are onto something' #boy HOWDY you better have the information to back that up! #the thing is I'm not mad this devate is happening i think it's very realistic that people would get caught up in this debate given the given #i have just painstakingly cultivated the ability to have an argument and i have strong feelings about rhetoric #[bangs on a pot lid with a spoon] CONSIDER ALL ANGLES BEFORE YOU DOUBLE DOWN ON A POSITION #if you're curious #yes i am EXACTLY like this in a real life argument i have been told i am infuriating to argue with #both because of my love of Sources and because of my need to be absolutely dead sure of something before i get in a fight about it #which have the annoying tendency to make me like. not lose a lot of fights.

[slippery-minghus]

oh no. i feel like if i do not consume an entire load of bread in the very near future i will simply cease to exist.

#very uh. very worried about my finances right now #like. i'm fine. i have some savings. but i also just got to put something into my savings for the first time in a VERY long time and now #now i immediately have to take it out #and i'm getting stressed out about buying groceries #because if i dip into my savings here what about there? where is the line? #and i owe so much to taxes but i can't exactly afford getting less of my pay...... #my last paycheck was $0.66 more than my rent #my insurance is refusing to reimburse the last of my electrolysis visits from last year and like #i'm SO over the fight but that's $120. that i really actually kinda need? #and i'm starting to get that funny in the head feeling about wondering how i'm going to feed myself #i still feel so much shame about that funeral i went to years ago and my only thought during the reception after was about #how there was just so much food and i could actually eat my fill #i have leftovers for dinner tonight and it's fine but.... making a lovely vegan dish wasn't the best choice tbh #i feel like if i don't have a large helping of bread and meat i'm going to go insane #and it really REALLY doesn't help that i've apparently lost the ability to eat in the mornings #so i'm at quite a significant fuel deficit and it's stacking #but no matter how hungry i am in the morning the concept of processing solid food is just repulsive and daunting #eating a clif bar at 9am would take literally all of my spoons for the day #i was looking at protein shakes since i can handles *drinking* breakfast #but the cheapest one that meets my dietary requirements is $35 for a 12pack #and i'm uh. i'm worrying over spending $10 on produce this week #personal #and nevermind that i don't have the spoons to even GO shopping (: #(on an aside i switched back to my regular melatonin gummies last night and i Actually Slept. so hopefully that will continue and help some) #i just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and have someone gently place a roll of bread and hunk of cheese next to me in my enclosure #also it's photophobia season and i still feel like i haven't recovered from saturday #got too much sunlight and was nauseaus for half the day #my body feels so bad

[orchideae]

Please remind me to go feral about the look on her face during this and the repercussions of it across the board, because this is a monumental moment.

#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. #[ i'm so sorry i'm suddenly a little awol again. a huge turn of real life events happening and it's laid down a foundation on which... ] #[ other kind of things rest. and this weekend has just been rather stressful and left me rather bummed out in turn. ] #[ i'll get past it. but it's when i kind of hermit away from the dash and discord alike because of a very low battery. ] #[ leaving spoons for primarily one thing in terms of social and even that is utterly selective. ] #[ anyhoo-- i /have/ been in my drafts a bit and gotten some things done; i'm trying to gather things a little bit. and i'll batch release. #[ just so i can do a proper starter call and get other things going as well. ] #[ but today/tonight will be a bit more genshin primo farming. i think getting to my 50/50 for cr will leave me with... ] #[ sumeru's desert 100%'d. save me honestly. i both enjoy its lore but hate the exploration. ] #[ any way. i promise you'll see me pop up soon! ]

[takoto]

lmao before all the AI "art" bullshit I frequently made jokes like "man I wish I could just wish pictures of my OCs into existence w/o having to do any work" or "I wish finished art would just appear in front of me sometimes" and now every time I go to make a joke like that I have to stop myself because. hm. no actually.

The onset of AI image generation has made me remember why I love the process of creating. It isn't just the final picture, I get so much enjoyment from just the physical act of drawing, be it personal art, commercial work, or doodles. Yeah it can be stressful and difficult for sure, but the catharsis I get from the action of creating nearly always outweighs any stress I feel (aside from when my chronic pain and stuff is flaring up but that's a different matter).

Yeah, I do wish I could just have a literal printer hooked up to my brain sometimes so I could just magic what I see in my head into existence, but also... like, who is that for? If I sit down and seriously imagine a world where that was possible to even like, 90% accuracy, I don't think it'd be fun. It might be useful, sure, to show someone a general idea of how I'm thinking, but... the final picture is only part of what makes a piece of art.

And like, honestly, I will openly admit that 2010 - 2020 image gen technology fascinated me. I loved seeing it progress, and I loved the unique ways early AI image generation could interpret things. I will also openly admit I started trying to learn about how to create with things like StyleGAN, because I wanted to do a project where I would train on a series of illustrations I'd done, and then incorporate other elements, but then like... all the recent AI stuff happened. And AI image generation basically just became "how to rip off artists" "how to rip off writers" "how to rip off musicians" etc. and now it all just feels tainted.

Like, absolutely 100% no shade or shame to artists who want to train AI models on their own artwork and use that to experiment, that honestly sounds fun! But I just can't look at the whole "AI image gen" scene and not cringe at all the art theft, grifting, techbros stroking their own egos, etc. and not just feel repulsed by the whole thing.

#talking about AI art #these are just my personal feelings #don't take it too seriously #this has been brought to you by #“man I wish I could draw some OCs making out but I have so few spoons/am so tired and am going out tonight that I just do not have energy” #“lmao i wish i could just magic the picture out of thin air” “WAIT no” #text

[dredshirtroberts]

i am allowed to both be delighted and content with the way my evening went and how lovely it was to be around friends, and also be really upset over the fact that i cannot do much without intense and great pain.

#like tonight was super fucking pleasant! #i really enjoy hanging out with people and talking and meeting new folks and just having a Nice Time! #it's one of my favorite things is to Hang Out with a group of people #and i just...i just #it is hard not to feel like i'm being punished for having fun #but that's apparently more rooted in my trauma than i initially realized #and also it just...does kind of feel like a punishment like you're allowed to have fun #so long as you can handle the QUENCIES #and i'm like my *guy* i just. #i didn't get to hang out with people as a kid can i please get to have friends now as an adult like a normal people finally? #preferably without needing to brace up and have the heating pad on while i wait for the meds to do work #and i'm allowed to be mad about this!!! i am allowed to be so upset!!!! #and i am!!! i am incredibly upset by this!!!!! #this is also just How It Is and i don't have a way to fix it yet #and i don't know if there *is* a way to fix it at all #so i just... just gotta deal #doesn't even get into the fact that i had to save up spoons not just to hang out but also to watch a Favorite Thing #and that i didn't realize how many spoons Favorite Thing was going to take out of me and now i'm out of spoons #so imight not be able to hang out tomorrow with friends again and i *wanna* #i'm not even sure i'll have enough energy to continue watching Favorite Thing like !!!!!! #this is so bullshit #i hate this

[honeysuckle-venom]

The thing is, I went to that hospital voluntarily. I was deep in a psychotic break and I was having an extreme amount of difficulty keeping myself safe. I was experiencing violent urges towards myself and others with an intensity and consistency that terrified me. I wanted and needed help in the form of a quiet place without weapons.

So I went to the ER. And they took me to a backroom, away from my dad, and took all my stuff so I couldn't communicate with anyone. And I told them my symptoms and waited and waited and waited. And finally they told me I could have a spot on the ward but only if I agreed to be admitted on an involuntary admission, despite having come there voluntarily. Otherwise, they told me, I was free to leave and find a different hospital that would take me. But if I wanted help from them I needed to be admitted involuntarily.

I was deeply confused and in tremendous pain and all by myself, and so I agreed. I never should have, but I felt trapped and lost and like it was my only option to get help.

The thing is, on an ethical level their actions there don't make sense. The only way it made sense was as a sick power play. Because ethically, either they truly thought I was a danger to myself and others, in which case they had a legal responsibility to admit me involuntarily and not give me the option to walk away and find another hospital, or they believed I was well enough to be allowed to leave that ER, in which case there were no legal grounds to admit me involuntarily. By giving me the option to leave but forcing me to be admitted involuntarily to get help, they were just manipulating me and giving the doctor more control for his own sense of comfort and power, not for any plausible ethical or legal reasons. And by only giving me these options after I'd been separated from my resources and waiting for hours, they were further coercing me to agree. It was just so fucked up and manipulative and coercive, for no good reason. I was there voluntarily. I wanted help. There was no need to do that to me.

#i fucking hate psych wards i fucking hate psychiatrists #the psychiatrist i saw there was so cruel #anyway #hospitalization cw #hospitalization tw #psychiatric ward cw #psychiatric ward tw #psych ward cw #psych ward tw #psychiatric abuse cw #psychiatric abuse tw #alright this was the last thing i needed to get off my chest #i'm going to bed now #thank you to all of you who replied to my posts tonight #i'll respond tomorrow or even if i don't i always see and read and appreciate all replies #i just don't always have the spoons to answer

[inkfox]

so anxious abt taking my cat to the vet today that i dreamed an entire origin story for her last night

#regan.txt #me waking up in a cold sweat: a church lady abused her as a kitten and lied about finding her in a cat colony?!?!!? sage is this true???? #sage (my cat): :3? #anyways i feel so nauseous rn this is the first time she's ever acted different and my brain is already preparing for worst case scenarios #i just.... i just hope they don't have to keep her overnight..... i've slept with her as my little spoon for 5 years...... #i won't be able to sleep at all tonight if that happens

[redwinterroses]

My whole issue with the crossover is that having watched both hermitcraft and empires i dont want the worst of empires (the neverending jokes about jimmy, the constant use of the word Lore instead of doing lore, Joel and others not taking things seriouslly, etc) to make the hermits worse and they bring it back over to hermitcraft

Anon, the hermits (and the empires folks for that matter) are all adults. If they get "worse" by whatever your personal standard is: stop watching.

They don't owe you anything. Some of what you have "issues" with, other people love. (waves hand. hi. hello. i'm talking about me.)

Please stop feeling like you have the right to weigh in on the stories other people are telling with your own personal preferences.

#sorry to be mean but like. this is EXACTLY the nonsense I was posting about #i'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're a child or teen but at the same time: please try to act like an adult #this is not your story. if you don't enjoy it... go find another story literally no one is stopping you #do not become the star wars fandom I beg of you #''my whole issue'' smh HON. if this was irl issues you might have some room to argue here #but it's a STORY #being told by adults who are being exactly as serious or silly as they want. #sit down. #redwinteranswers #i will be deleting any more asks on this I don't have the patience or spoons for it tonight

[babyitsmagic]

📂 FRANKIE because I love Frankie and do not send enough things for her

@ofviolentdeath || Send “📂“ for a random yet completely useless headcanon I have (accepting)

Frankie loves cars, especially old muscle cars. One of her first big purchases was a restored, old muscle car that she had for years.

She knows a lot about car repair/maintenance and if she had more time, she could restore cars herself, but she's a little too busy for that.

#ofviolentdeath #frankiecanon #canon;; #i don't have the spoons to figure out the kind of car it was tbh #i have a vague idea but no brains tonight

[purple-is-great]

aww: :( the system where coursework is is down for maintenance so i guess i can't do anything useful now

(this is a lie, i have multiple things i could do on other platforms but the one that is down has the stuff that requires least energy to do, like listening to a podcast)

#guess i'll edit the minutes for our meeting yesterday *grumble grumble* #i was thinking of doing it tomorrow in a break between lectures #in some place that is far less quiet than my apartment #but gotta do it or otherwise i might feel the need to do the dishes #and i don't want to do the dishes #i mean i need to do the dishes tonight so i have a spoon to eat my porridge with tomorrow morning #but i don't want to do them

[consolecadet]

I decided not to cook dinner from scratch tonight because I was too tired/bodily worn out from shopping for gifts and groceries, and from just generally having kind of a rough morning. You'd think after being disabled for so long, and generally disability-politics-aware for so long, that I would have less trouble saying "Meh, not feeling up to that today." But for some reason, maybe because when I make dinner it's for both me and KC, or maybe just because I'm stubborn and neurotic, I hate to cancel and settle on microwaving frozen food or nachos or whatever

#I just really really really hate not doing something I said I would do #saying I will do something = (to me) promising I will do it #and I take that perhaps too seriously #so if I put on the grocery spreadsheet that I'm making pizza beans tonight I really have to feel like shit to not do it #I don't actually feel that terrible but I have to conserve some energy/spoons/stamina for tomorrow and monday #and it took so much cajoling myself into not cooking. even though I really did not want to cook #>:( #anyway if this is why you've ever said 'hey can you do me a favor' and I've said 'depends what is it' this is why #if I say 'yeah sure' then (to me) I have a significant obligation to do your favor even if I hate it after learning what it is #boring text posts

[imeminemp3]

anyway im really bored and i feel whacked out and i think im gonna go to bed and watch mash and hopefully wake up feeling super energised tomorrow

#i feel so bad for not accomplishing anything #but the way i see it is when i woke up and forgot i had therapy i picked out enough spoons to do all the sewing i planned #and then i had to waste them on therapy #and that was IT #i did end up cooking tonight but that was literally i just needed a seratonin boost #and they were really quick and easy things to cook and i don't even have the energy to do the dishes from them tonight #so i need to do those tomorrow #tentative to do for tomorrow is dishes. cut out some stuff while i watch movies w jem. and then try to sew a bit after. #i need to like. sew this bc i need to have it done for my birthday but i also can't put a lot of pressure on it #or i will feel overwhelmed #anyway actually i feel a lot better after stopping fluoxetine tho. but i am still sort of getting that shit outta my system #anyway whatever idk if anyone reads this far im just saying stuff. #diary

[ofvaporex]

Had an absolute miserable evening at work so baby memes it is.

#⚕️ ╰ ooc • from the desk of the cinnamon bunny ╯ #I have more relationship building asks but I just #really don't have the spoons #so tonight it's baby asks and Misfire shitposting

[pose1dson]

came in to work to find that we're completely sold out, so here's to hoping that it stays quiet tonight

#* shut up kaja. / ooc. #i really don't have the spoons to deal with guests' bullshit tonight

[jedi-bird]

I am back home. I've showered and now I'm curled up in bed with a heating pad trying to decompress so I can hopefully sleep tonight. As much as I hate socializing, I had fun and got to see some people I haven't seen in years. I forgot to give the cats their nighttime canned food and supplements before we left and I don't have to spoons left to go do it now, so they'll just get extras tomorrow and can be mad about it then. Tomorrow I'll also have to go be social, but at least the gathering will be smaller and closer to home.

#vent post #i really should go make some sleepy tea but that would require spoons as well so it's not going to happen #I'll just deal with it tomorrow if i don't sleep tonight #i wish though that we could run away tomorrow #just go run errands and ignore everyone and just have the day be the two of us #I'm tired of interacting and just want a day to complete the things i need to do