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beeexx · 3 years

Text

Meet the Family

Carlos meets Gwyneth Strand for the first time.

Set before 2x01, a missing scene.

Word count: 13.3. Read on AO3.

TK has spent the better part of the week in offices of higher ups, getting cleared for active duty again, which means he hasn’t had the time to see Carlos much at all. But he’s been looking forward to lunch together all week, and therefore, he spends the better part of it sending him looks that Carlos can read into however he wants to, but judging by the slightest tightening of his grip around the fork or how his foot keeps climbing higher up TK’s leg, almost unconsciously, he’s definitely thinking along similar lines as TK is.

Not that the lunch isn’t lovely and being in Carlos’ presence is making TK feel a little like a moth to the flame, Carlos’ undivided attention on him is unlike anything he’s ever experienced before, a little addictive for sure and TK knows all about what that’s like. But this is the good kind of high, the one leaving you with tingles all over, wide smiles that are real and butterflies in your chest.

But putting all the lovey dovey feelings he’s definitely experiencing aside, he’s also, and unashamedly so, a little horny and he hasn’t had sex in ages because of this stupid injury and Carlos’ stupid (and hot) caring side that refuses to give in to TK’s puppy dog eyes because strenious ativities are not yet approved by the doctor. Or they haven’t been, until now, so now he’s going to look at his boyfriend and put all kinds of images in his head that they can later on reenact in his bedroom.

Yep TK is a genius.

On the drive over to TK’s he can barely keep his hands to himself though, biting at his lip, hard to prevent himself from reaching out for Carlos and causing an accident, that would defeat the purpose of the car ride altogether, even though it’s really tempting. His house is closer and Owen is on a shift, yes TK double checked so the promise of an empty house and a whole afternoon to take advantage of, is making him feel extremely happy, butterflies in his stomach kind of happy, while he also has to remind himself that they’ll arrive soon and he doesn’t need to attach himself to Carlos just yet.

But it’s proving to be really hard, the anticipation in the air between getting harder and harder to ignore.

Once they do make it to TK's house, he immediately pulls Carlos close, his patience all but gone now when they’re finally able to touch and Carlos seems to be in a similar position to him. He pulls TK closer, shifts a little so the angle TK is currently in allows him to rub perfectly up against Carlos’s crotch, the outline of his dick digging into the inside of TK’s thigh.

Yep he needs to get them inside now.

Carlos presses up against his back as TK tries to unlock the door, leaving kisses on the exposed skin, making goosebumps erupt all over TK’s body, making it even more difficult to focus on the task at hand. The door finally makes a triumphant click and TK turns, meeting Carlos’ hungry lips before he twists the door open, the both of them stumbling inside, hands never leaving each other. The door shuts and Carlos pushes TK up against it and finally TK thinks, kissing back with the vigor of a man who has not been kissed like this by his boyfriend for days. Carlos hands travel down to the hem of his shirt, ready to throw it off. He feels the slowburn of arousal in the pit of his stomach, making him shift on his feet.

There is a cough and clearing of someone’s throat that makes both TK and Carlos freeze up in each other’s arms. TK closes his eyes and leans his head on Carlos’ sturdy chest before he thinks ‘oh God no’.

Carlos has gone rigid instead, one hand braced against the door in an awkward fashion, his eyes trained on the ground. TK looks up, blushes all over when he spots Gwyneth sitting by the kitchen island, smirk in place and looking way too comfortable that anyone in her position should have the right to be.

“Honey.” She says teasingly and TK groans and steps out from Carlos’ arms, putting some distance between them, but makes sure to keep close.

“Mom.” He says tightly. “I thought you were arriving on Thursday.”

“It is Thursday.” She says.

“What? Right, right…” He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up, feeling like the floor has been pulled out from underneath the ground, swallowing TK whole. Fuck why is this his life?

Carlos clears his throat a few times and finally turns around, fixing his shirt, eyes flitting nervously around the room before landing on his mom. Gwyneth smirks when he finally dares to meet her eyes.

“Carlos, it’s nice to meet you, I have heard a lot about you.” She smiles, all hard edges and shark like. For all of Owen’s faults, at least he has always been supportive, that cannot be said about his mother. Carlos gulps, clearly sensing that he might not be welcome.

“Mom.” TK tries intervening but Gwyneth clicks her tongue at him, softening her smile slightly though.

“You really are like your dad aren’t you…” She mutters but she comes forward, chique pantsuit on, hair falling in long messy curls behind her back, light makeup on, looking way too put together for someone who has spent almost 4 hours on a plane should do.

“Did TK tell you that this isn’t the first time this has happened by the way? I once walked in on him when he was maybe 16, it was his first boy -”

“Mom!” He interrupts, ears the colour of lobsters and he keeps shooting glances at Carlos who looks like he isn’t sure if he’s supposed to leave or not.

“Mom.” He tries again, shooting her a reproachful glare and she bites her lip, eyes gleeful. But she sips her mouth shut.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get in?”

“Your dad picked me up from the airport and drove me here.”

“Right, and no one thought to tell me?”

“He said you’d be out for lunch with Carlos. I take it the plans changed.” TK groans.

“No those plans were intact, we just decided to come here for dessert.” It’s a terrible terrible joke to make and TK regrets it immediately because Carlos winces and his mother smirks, her quick mind already coming up with ten different ways to match that reply.

“Don’t.” He warns and she chuckles, holds her hands up, backing off.

But she doesn’t stay placated for long, she never has, and she comes forward, smile intact but somehow managing to wear an expression of impassiveness as well, her eyes fixed on Carlos as she puts her hand forward for him to shake. He looks at it for a moment, obviously confused before he puts his hand in hers in a jerky movement. She shakes it, firmly but Carlos has pulled himself together enough to match it and she looks a little less hostile immediately.

“Carlos, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Gwyneth.” Their eyes meet, and her eyes are sharp and alert, probably already having categorised everything she’s gauged about Carlos’ down in her head, already started a mental list of hers.

His mother’s sharpness and her uncanny ability to be too adept at reading a room, any room, has served her well in her professional life. It hasn’t served TK well at all, and he learnt quickly that lying to her never worked well at all. Well apart from the drugs, that one TK hid so well that he would have probably been able to get away with it for years longer, had his dad not accidentally come home one evening and found him puking his guts out in the bathroom. Apart from that it’s been a major argument between him and his mother, her inability, that he called judgment and she called intuition, to leave that by the door or at her job, and not make up her mind about TK’s friends and boyfriends, before they were even able to make a case for themselves.

So TK feels bad for Carlos, because he knows all too well what it feels like to be on the other side of her scrutiny.

“Yes, Mrs. Strand, it’s nice to meet you too.” Carlos says and he looks a little more at ease, probably faking it well, but Gwyneth studies his face a moment longer before she nods admicabally, and it’s as good of an improval from her that it can be at the moment.

“So, do you want to stay?”

“He’s not staying.” TK interrupts, he isn’t putting himself nor Carlos through an interrogation from her right now. He might need to prep Carlos for that and himself too for that matter.

“I guess I’m not staying.” Carlos says, and it makes Gwyneth chuckle, looking between the two of them before her eyes land on TK, her eyebrow lifting in a silent question.

“But it was nice to meet you, if you’re in town for some time I’m sure we can find a time for dinner or coffee or something.”

“Yes, you know what I’m sure that’s possible.” But it’s sais genuinely so thank fuck for that.

Carlos nods his goodbye and TK follows him to the door, feeling his mother’s eyes at the back of his neck, very obviously listening to them. He opens the door to give them some privacy and steps outside with Carlos, closing the door firmly behind them. He leans against it, feeling the air go out of him completely. Carlos is silent, waiting for him to speak.

“Soooo, that’s my mother.”

“She’s intense…”

“Tell me about it...I’m sorry, I forgot she was coming to town this week.”

“Well I guess I’m not the first to meet her this way.” Carlos jokes but it lightens the mood between them and honestly TK’s never been happier to date someone who can joke about something that could have become a massive thorn in their side going forward. Not everyone is fond of overprotective mothers.

“Yeah… no, that was way worse than this though. She can be vicious when she wants to, that's all I’m saying, you’ve already passed her first test.”

“There are tests I need to pass?” TK shrugs awkwardly.

“Probably…”

“Well, I better bring my A game then.” TK huffs, but it turns into a soft little smile because he really can’t believe Carlos. Most people would have run for the hills by now and decided this is not worth it. Well most people would have probably run for the hills when they found out he was an addict.

Carlos is proving to be the exception to most of the rules.

TK steps up close and pulls him in, kissing him hard on the mouth, pulling a groan and a hiss out of Carlos who cradles his face close to slow it down before they both get too lost in each other.

Carlos is the one to stop it completely though, his eyes dark and flush high on his cheeks, looking absolutely gorgeous, and he holds TK’s head in his hands, stroking a thumb up and down his cheek gently before he smiles softly.

“I’ll call you.”

“Yeah, yeah, do that.” TK says breathlessly and Carlos leans forward to gently kiss his lips, before he steps away, TK missing him immediately.

Before he goes back in to face his mother he needs a moment to catch his breath. He counts to 5 in his head before he opens the door and goes back in.

She’s sitting where he left her, typing away on her phone, but she puts it down when he comes towards her, lifting an eyebrow.

“Can I say hi to my son now?”

“You probably shouldn’t be allowed to after you scared my boyfriend off.” But he’s already opening his arms and she huffs, steps in close and hugs him tightly, her hard exterior melting away now when it’s just the two of them. He closes his eyes, admitting that it is nice to see her. She steps back, cups his face in her hands to look at him properly. He lets her, knows she will not calm down until she’s allowed her little ritual.

“How are you?” She asks.

“I’m good.” She gives him a piercing look and doesn’t say anything.

“I am good! I swear.” He defends and she huffs, kisses his cheek before she steps away.

“Good, good.” She takes out her suitcase, it’s massive, and opens it up.

“Mom, you are here for 10 days, why have you packed like you’re going to be here for months?” She heaves an unimpressed sigh and grunts, flipping the suitcase on its back before she opens it up.

“Now, now. One never knows, there could be an emergency.”

“That requires these?” He holds up the Prada heels skeptically and she rolls her eyes, grabs them out of his hands.

“These are the latest in my suede collection, they’re gorgeous right?”

“Yes, yes, they are. Still, it doesn’t answer my earlier question.” He points out. She ignores him and starts to riffle through her things before she picks up a baby blue paper bag that’s been wrapped securely in an airtight plastic bag.

“Now, that’s no way to treat your mother that comes bearing gifts.” She hands it to him and he can’t help but let out the little happy squeal as he rips it out of her hands.

“Aw you shouldn't have.” She chuckles at his delight and he immediately stands up and puts the bag down on the counter, hands twitching in anticipation, just staring at it lovingly.

“You’re not a child, you can eat cookies whenever you want.”

“I’m 27 and I live at home.” He points out.

“Well, that is all your own doing.” But she kisses his cheek lovingly and he huffs, happy that they can still joke about the elephant in the room. He rips the bag open, mouth salivating at the sight, can’t wait any longer when the smell of freshly baked cookies hit him.

“How is Fred? Did you tell him hi for me?” He asks, mouth around a chocolate chip cookie, munching away happily as the heavenly taste spreads around in his mouth. The cookie is still soft in the middle, it’s beautiful.

“He is good, he says hi back and that he misses his favorite customer. Apparently Lily has started high school, can you believe?”

TK can’t, he used to remember her being so young, but she’s always been sassy and she’s going to give poor Fred hell.

Fred’s bakery was a little corner place a few blocks away from TK’s apartment. He used to go there way too often and buy all the sweet pastries in his way. The cookies quickly became a favorite, and he became Fred’s favourite customer because of it. He misses the place dearly. He still hasn’t found a bakery here in Austin he likes as much as that one, and when he keeps telling Carlos that he huffs, having become set on finding a place that will make TK just as happy as Fred’s did back in New York. TK isn’t going to complain, it’s been a fun little activity to play while he’s been on the mend and Carlos’ is almost ridiculous in his categorically organised note taking of the whole thing, dead set on finding him the perfect pastry. If it were anyone else, it would be ridiculous, but because it is Carlos and it’s a thing that’s been made to be about him, TK is just so touched and charmed by it that he’s willing to admit that Texas does have an amazing food scene, even the posh New Yorker in him is willing to admit as much.

“Did you give me this do distract me from all the clothes you brought?” He asks again.

“No, don’t be a smartass, clothes are no joke. Also are you sure you should be mouthing off to me? You own like 20 jumpers in the same colour alone, don’t come at me.” He snorts and it brings a laugh out of her, he’s missed their banter, he really has.

“They are not all in the same colour.” He pouts, but it shortly melts into a smile instead. “I’ve missed you.” He admits and her smile goes soft before she steps in close allowing him to pull her into a hug.

“I’ve missed you too kiddo, so coffee, I’m in desperate need of some.”

“Yeah, yeah, let me.”

“Don’t be silly, do you even know how to work that ridiculous coffee maker?”

“You have the exact same one at your apartment, I’ve used that plenty.” He points out, making her smirk but she walks over, easily enough making herself one, looking way too familiar with the setup.

“You want one?” He shakes his head. She lifts an eyebrow.

“One a day.” He says and she nods.

TK can drink coffee, sometimes he indulges. But he tries not to have any on the days he’s off, it tends to make him a little jittery and being prone to anxiety, he tends to avoid getting his heart rate up unnecessarily high normally, or at least when it comes to drinks and food. When it comes to other stuff he’s none too happy to overindulge a bit in, particularly if their name is Carlos Reyes.

He goes over to the fridge and takes out the tropical green smoothie from Whole Foods his dad stocks up on and Gwyneth snorts.

“That looks blergh.”

“You’re like a child.” He laughs. “It’s not the worst of his insane food ideas.”

“No, it really isn't.” She agrees.

“His food regime hasn’t totally gone down at the station, not as well as he’d hoped at least. He tried a cheese burger a while back.”

“Did he now? Wow he’s a changed man.” She jokes and TK delights in having an ally to make fun of his dad with, someone that knows him and loves him enough that it’s okay.

And even after the divorce Owen and Gwyneth usually ganged up on him, it’s nice to have someone to side with from time to time. He sits down beside her as she sips at her coffee.

“It’s a nice place.” She comments, looks around, taking note.

“The prices are insanely low compared to New York.”

“Yes, one of the many advantages. Speaking of New York, a nice little couple moved into your apartment, did you know?”

“Yeah, dad said.”

“They seem nice.”

“Did you threaten them about the carpet in the bedroom?”

“I did, I told them how expensive it was.” She winks.

“You’re menace.”

“Yep, so what should we talk about first?”

“You really don’t know subtlety”

“I do, but I haven’t seen you in months and you are either too busy with work to reply to my texts or calls, or in a coma, or with your boyfriend, so I don’t have the time to beat around the bush.”

“In my defence, the coma wasn’t on purpose.”

“So, are you cleared for duty?” She ignores him and he nods, her eyes studying him close.

“Yeah just got cleared.”

“Good, 100%?”

“No, part time for a while.” She draws in a breath, relieved to hear.

“And therapy?” He sighs.

“She’s not like Doctor Harris, but she’s not bad either, just different.”

“Well I vetted her so.” He rolls his eyes.

“I know, you and dad really have no chill.”

“Not when it comes to you no. And so how are you?”

“Good, and that’s not a lie. Life has been weird, all over the place, crazy and hectic and in it I met Carlos who seems to have been the only stable thing in it all. But yes, it’s actually good for once.” Gwyneth smiles, proud.

“Good, I am happy to hear, really happy to hear. He seems -”

“If you insult him I’m leaving.” Her eyes widen and she burst out laughing.

“I was going to say that I like him actually.”

“Oh? Oh, okay well that’s good.”

“I’m looking forward to meeting him properly and not when you try and rip his clothes off.” He blushes and groans.

“God, I’m never living that down am I?”

“Honey, you have a tendency to be a little bit of a mess, I’m sure you’ll find something to do soon enough that I can tease you about, in the meantime, nope, you’re not living it down.”

“Great.” She laughs and ruffles his hair lovingly.

“I’m good at reading people, you know this, I like him, he’s different to all your previous boyfriends.”

“Different from Alex you mean.” She sighs, takes her hand away.

It’s no secret that Gwyneth has never been a fan of Alex. While Owen has almost always been supportive and hidden his disagreements when TK makes decisions he doesn’t like, Gwyneth has always been very vocal about what she thinks. Almost too vocal at times when he does things she really doesn’t like, and TK being TK and definitely his parent’s child, he’s done a lot of things she didn’t approve of.

Alex being one of them.

“TK I don’t want to fight, but yes, very different from Alex.” TK sighs, he doesn’t want to fight either and particularly not over fucking Alex.

“Yeah, fine…”

“I’ll have to get to know Carlos better but he clearly adores you.” TK’s eyes snap to hers trying to see if she’s lying, she isn’t. She is looking back at him with a knowing look in her eyes and TK averts his eyes, blushing and she giggles.

“Oh wow, you’re really taken by him too?”

“Shut up.” She laughs.

“I’m happy for you. I really am.”

“Thanks.” He whispers.

“Tell me everything.” He groans but sits up.

“It started badly.” But TK’s got to admit, gossiping about his love life or his life in general is something he’s missed doing with his mother. Owen is good at it but he’s just not her, doesn’t have her sharpness and wit.

“Really?”

“Terribly, which is why you have to be nice to him, he put up with me and that’s hard enough for anyone.”

“Oh shut up, you’re not a burden.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She scoffs when he doesn’t take her seriously, and moves forward, grabbing his face forcing him to look at her. She looks sad, the look she gets when TK is either being difficult or when she feels powerless and heartbroken, unable to reach him at all. He’s used to being on the receiving end of it, particularly after becoming an addict, and her face has often been shrouded in soft concern when they talk about it.

It used to make his skin crawl in discomfort, the pity too much for him to bear. Now, he thinks she’s earned the right to care about him this way, she’s been through it all with him, and she’s the only one he can tolerate the pity with.

“I mean it, not a burden, not now and not ever and if Carlos thinks so he doesn’t deserve you at all.” TK’s mouth twitches, Gwyneth’s overprotectiveness can be worse than Owen’s aloofness to all his decisions. It’s a fine line to walk between two parents that sometimes either care too little or way too much about what he does. TK still hasn’t found a perfect way to walk between it yet.

“He definitely doesn’t think so.”

“No?”

“No, mom, god, he’s been nothing but nice and supportive.” She studies his face closer, slightly frowning.

“I take it he knows about the addiction then?” TK nods, shrugs.

“It kind of became inevitable after a while, especially after I got arrested…”

“You did what now?!” TK flinches because whoops.

“Erm, I mean...kind of.”

“Tyler Kennedy Strand, no one gets kind of arrested.” He hates it when she uses his full name, he groans.

“Okay well you can’t be mad.”

“You know when you tell me that I can’t be mad it’s usually because you’ve done something bad.” But she lets go of his face and sits back, tapping her foot against the stool impatiently, backing off, something she rarely used to do when he was younger.

“Yeah okay, this was stupid. He made me dinner because he’s a nice thoughtful man that misread my signals of just wanting a casul hook up, and then said something about a marriage proposal and that struck a nerve because of Alex and the cheating, so I freaked, found myself a perfect little bar where a gay man can get beat up, got into a fight and then got arrested. He was the one to process me…”

“For real? Were you drunk? Or high?!”

“No, no, of course not. Mom, you would have heard about that. I was sober.”

“Well considering your track record, sober is better, but really? What in the world made you feel compelled to do something so stupid?” TK can’t help but chuckle.

“Yeah funny, Carlos said the exact same thing.”

“Oh, smart man.”

“So I told him why because I had been a complete dick and then I continued kind of blowing him off about the whole thing which was a relationship but also wasn’t. It was very undefined for a while. He obviously wanted us to be more serious but he wouldn’t pressure me into anything, not until I wanted it too and expressed that to him. He’s just an extremely good guy, and then shit happened and here we are.”

“Huh? Shit happened, is that how you would explain it?” She smirks. “I think I like this Carlos the more I hear about him though.”

“Told you, he is a good guy.”

“Well that’s what you deserve, a really good guy.”

“Thanks.” He says, eyes flitting away, but smiling because TK cannot remember the last time he felt so good about being with someone.

As hard as it is to admit, it’s easy being with Carlos and he makes him feel really happy, a feeling TK isn’t too used to experiencing.

“So, is there a guest bedroom here or? Owen wasn’t exactly specific.” She changes the subject, satisfied for now, but he knows his mother, there will be more words and a longer conversation about everything that has happened since he left New York.

And for once he doesn’t actually mind it, it doesn’t bring him the usual dread or irrational fear of judgement that it used to when his mother wanted to talk to him about his life. TK feels different, he probably is different from when he left New York all those months ago, feeling more stable and secure in himself than he has in ages, unable to not let those emotions merge into his growing relationship with Carlos, so unable to not admit that Carlos has alighten something in his chest that is spreading like wildfire to every part of his body, igniting every cell in its way. Yeah, being with Carlos is unlike anything else.

Apart from that it’s nice being at a point in his life where talking about his past doesn't make him want to run away in fear.

“Yes, there is, I’ll show you.”

“Perfect.”

For some it might be weird having your 50+ divorced parents of 20 years live under the same roof when one visits from out of state, for the Strands/Morgans it just isn’t. His parents should have probably gotten divorced sooner than they did, but once the conversation was actually out there the fighting and the yelling stopped, both of them realising it was for the best for all of them. And ever since they started co parenting, everything kind of settled and became better for all of them. Owen became more present, involved himself in TK’s life and Gwyneth stopped bearing resentment towards having to be a stay at home mom full time and finally had the time to build a career, a very long and successful career that was, while TK finally had the undivided attention of both his parents. And underneath the anger, his parents loved each other very much and after a while they learnt to be friends again.

Then TK screwed his life up a few times and put both of his parents through hell so yeah, it was good until it wasn’t.

But he can’t deny it’s nice to see her after so long apart. He really has missed her.

Read the rest on AO3.

#911 lone star #9-1-1 lone star #tarlos fic #911 lone star fic #tk x carlos #carlos x tk #tarlos #gwyneth morgan #carlos reyes #tk strand #a missing scene set before 1x2 #fanfiction #My writing

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blackwinged-soul · 5 years

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...I probably ought to write this down, too, by the way. As best I can figure, this is (relatively) the order my lives seem to have been.

(Note, especially with my soul’s history of fragmentation and Emotions Being Power, I don’t think I was Directly and Wholly reincarnated from life to life. I think there were perhaps even lives I don’t remember, if I’ve already remembered THIS many and uncover one every year or two since I discovered I even HAD past lives... Almost certainly, parts of my soul and their “akashic record” stored within them was lost, moved on, decayed, or reincarnated elsewhere. Especially with the way my soul was handled and fractured left and right as a part of The Spirit of the M|illennium Ring, and how hard it is to retrieve certain memories, and also the fact that a near-total stranger once told me my soul felt fragmented? I don’t remember everything, from every life the pieces of my soul ever touched. But the ones I do have

~ B/lue Dia\mond, the earliest. Longest-lived that I remember, and I don’t even remember any sort of death. I certainly don’t remember being shattered...? Being basically immortal and immensely powerful, I’ve yet to figure out how a D/ia\mond reincarnates. But I certainly did. (I theorize, it was the energy, depth of emotion, magic, and power in that life that propelled me so far in the cycle. And caused my connection to magic and memories to stay strong through so many reincarnations.)

~ Thief King Bakura, among the earliest also. (If I understand k/arma correctly, the universe was either repaying my misdeeds with loss and agony in kind, or my soul fell into one of those Repeated Cycle things. After what I did as BD, I attracted the same to me. After wallowing in my sadness and emotions for so long, it became a part of me-- imprinted itself on my soul, and I locked myself into A Pattern.) - As in the BD life, I held onto the rage for millennia, even as a fractured and sort of... “force-fusioned” identity. That kind of power, emotion, and energy still hasn’t completely faded.

~ Ryou Bakura, of course, reincarnated in The Same World as TK, or one very similar. I was very much TERRIFIED to touch my memories, didn’t want anything to do with my past lives, and actively resisted memories, going so far as to block them magically. (Though I still practiced the bits of magical power I had, and of course I was intrinsically tied in with the powerful destiny of the m|illenium items...)

~ Corvidkin was probably when I started out on this Earth. I remember humans in glimpses and what must have been primal, no cities or anything, so I think that may have been very early on in this world. (Being an earlier form may also be why I haven’t been able to identify Exactly What [Sub]species I was yet, hmm...)

~ I think my Benevolent Leader life was also very early in this world. I think it was in a desert sort of setting, probably “ancient” if the memories of structures and the small amount of people I “ruled” over are anything to go by.

~ Bastard Plantation Owner memories seem to be accurate to this world’s history, or at least very close to it. Around the Industrial Revolution, when it was just picking up. I remember a LOT of bitterness and disdain towards the new machines. I’d lost a lot of people I cared about, and didn’t have any concept of compassion beyond Giving for Those I Liked/Loved. I almost certainly died alone. Don’t know what I did to develope in that life; in fact it probably set me back a few pegs. (I was successful, I was a leader, and then I got bitter and became a jerk.)

~ ??? I only ever had One Memory of what I interpreted to have been a J|apanese woman during some wartime or other, and hell, for all I know I could have been remembering something as BD when that memory came to me, but I distinctly remember my loss having been A Man. I lost someone I loved dearly in that life, too. So I’m not sure if this is just a Soul Pattern, or if this was the life where I learned to handle loss and grief with Grace. Because I remembered Feeling It, deeply, but also still being in touch with myself, my responsibilities, and the world around me. (so really, it CAN’T have been my bd life...;;)

I keep joking that, since S/cott Cunningham died exactly 3 days before I was born to this world, some of him reincarnated into me. 8FFF (It’s.... only MOSTLY joking. I believe in reincarnation being for learning, and though the Wicca he practiced was Pro\gressive at the time, compared to Gard|enian, there was a lot of issues with the strictures and... honestly just very un-woke commentary re: accidental sexism, gender binary, appropriation, and misinformed history.... which I have a special fondness for now, in this life! That is, learning and growing to make witchcraft better.)

And then of course, oh, this life. I’m literally in an or/ganization that teaches, coaches, and mentors me on how to be a Genuinely Good Person and Especially a Good Lead|er, and for the first time in any of my remembered lives, I have an op|portunity to Get “Free”, in the most modern sense. (It’s.. a very BIG dream and a LONG story and completely dependent on capitalism and business strategies, which is kind of sad... but at the same time, it’s completely free from emp|loyment and time restrictions and it’s all dependent on my work ethic and de|termination, and quality of c|haracter of course.

So I really have to work for it; I wasn’t born into it. I’m building it all from scratch.

But to have the op|portunity at all? I think it’s a sort of reward for the progress I’ve made, and honestly, I’m proud of who I’ve become and what I’ve learned.

#rwt past lives #rhs build the dream #rwt nexus

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shawnjacksonsbs · 3 years

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Forever parenting? It works both ways. 6-6-21

"When we choose to be parents, we accept another human being as part of ourselves, and a large part of our emotional selves will stay with that person as long as we live." – Mr. Fred Rogers

-Currently in my head is this thought, “My newest guilty pleasure is eating soft baked cookies without my dentures in. It feels so good, and the peanut butter. Just . . .yes" and I love how this is mine, and I can write whatever I want in it. Lol

Eh. . .em.

Tk . .tk . .tk. Is this thing on?

Ok, before we get started let me just say, it’s amazing being here once again on another beautiful and calm Sunday morning and no, it's not Father's Day, but this needed to be this here, now, today.

A pretty good Fred Rogers quote huh? That is good, bad, or indifferent for as long as they both know the other lives. Period. It just hangs there, whether or not it's a swing or a noose that hangs is kind of what we're looking for as the child.

No child wants to be born into brokenness. Not a single fucking one. Not me, not my kids, not your kids. Kids only ask for love and until they don't feel it do they even question it themselves anyway.

Some form of them [our parents] are in our minds, and hearts forever whether they are there physically or not and depends on so much more than love that it can definitely hurt sometimes.

Does design and intention equal purpose? Is purpose just to live life, or does it have some deep, cosmic meaning? That is my thought of the week I suppose. Your thoughts?

Now, I had to ask myself, do I try and be careful with most everything I say and do? Yes, I do . . .to a point.

Writing about broken, beaten, toxic, or just tough relationships with people can be difficult without airing any of the dirty laundry which sometimes played a significant role in straining said relationships, so, generally best to speak in “I” language, although, the important take away for me here isn't necessarily what we did to cause the strains, but what can be done to get to the complete other side of any of them that left without causing further damage. Right? With me so far?

I've had a very. . .strained relationship like that with my dad for the better part of 15 years or more.

We hadn't spoke for most of that until a couple of years ago, when my immediate family, to include my mom, step dad, my dad, my current step mom and other (lifetime) step mom (lol), brothers and sisters with their families, all met up in Mayview for a picnic reunion, get together. It faired pretty well with a few of us with those strains relationships got a chance to at least talk and see each other.

For me and my father, the conversation didn’t last terribly long and to say anything was actually mended would be a stretch, but it was enough to know that we still cared. It was going to help me move forward in my life with little less unfinished business that I didn’t want to be on my limited deathbed regrets list.

Not to mention, as difficult as it is to be the first to reach out it brought about other benefits like bringing my long-lost baby sister back into the fold of the family. She was the inspiration for the picnic.

My dad has some things in his life that has made it difficult for me to reach forward again. We've spoken a few times, and I thought that we had had enough through our limited time for me to be ok, if it never moved again with any more forward progress. But. . .

I don't know if that's true now.

I received a message the other day from my current stepmother, stating that my dad was admitted into the hospital. I realized that although it’s going to take a little bit to re-get to know him now, that I miss the old him. The him I used to know before . . .[my] old, distorted life and limited world views came between us.

He wasn’t the best father, but he is still my dad. And a lot of good memories get to go along with it all. Like, especially before the offensive cereal prizes in the Christmas stocking incident of ‘85. Lolol

Wondering to myself why I wasn’t hitting up the hospital or checking on visiting hours or rushing out to see if I could see him or help in anyway, like I felt I would have had it been any other member of my family, started to tug at my heart.

What if I lose my dad now? Is it going to be detrimental because of the estrangement? Or worse, is not going to feel as deep as it should when someone loses a father?

I'm pretty sure, although I didn't realize it, I was probably not going to be ok with either of these outcomes.

We are planning another picnic/reunion thing for July. I need more to be known, and that he knows . . . how I feel. Hoping for even just a little bit more than what we have now.

Time is limited, but regrets can last forever.

The feeling of being in a stuck, unable to reach position is about to become less than a comfort for a minute, I think, but at least I got to put an "I love you" in his ear through a third-party delivery. Lol

Time to start, again.

. . .

I'm the grown ass man, full of all the "I love yous”. So, the only thing left to ask myself is, “where do I go from here?”. I've talked a lot of shit about keeping the past in the past. Time to stand all the way on that now.

And, to my dad, who I don't imagine even reads my blog, I do love you. You'll always be my dad, good, bad, or indifferent.

Its also time to go pick up my oldest son who literally just reached out while I was posting this, to come spend a few days here with us. Unconditional love with boundaries sounds difficult to procure or obtain, but it’s a process that’s necessary in very specific, and genuinely needed at times. We are human first, then family.

Share, and share in, all the love and laughter that this world has to offer and stop focusing so hard on wanting to stay bitter. It doesn't look as good on you as you might think.

Until next week;

"So often, children are punished for being human. Children are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad attitudes, yet we adults have them all the time! We think if we don't nip it in the bud, it will escalate and we will lose control. Let go of that unfounded fear and give your child permission to be human. We all have days like that. None of us are perfect, and we must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves. All of the punishments you could throw at them will not stamp out their humanity, for to err is human, and we all do it sometimes." - Rebecca Eanes

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