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bronx-bomber87 · 4 months

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Happy Friday everyone! Doing today cause I shall be doing 5x01 On Sunday like I mentioned before to not be posting on Christmas. :) Holy crap we’re on the S4 finale. I remember when I watching it when it premiered thinking is this real life? Thought I was in a fever dream haha Made some long gifs to fit everything in LOL This one is super packed also this ep doesn’t need much more of an intro. So let’s get this party started.

4x22 Day in The Hole

Our fav patch work family gets the cold open. This moment truly is Tim and Lucy in mom/dad mode. Makes me so damn happy. Tim complaining because Tamara is late to meet them. Moaning on and on saying they have to go... but makes no effort to actually move or leave. Because the both of them have Tim wrapped around their finger. That man isn't moving but will complain the whole time about it LOL Lucy going into wifey mode calming him down saying she’ll be here. Relax. ha

Tamara pulls in and almost hits someone. In a police station parking lot... Their reactions I’m dying. Just a couple of concerned parents watching their kid almost cause an accident. Lucy is a proud mom as she pulls up. Clapping her hands. Tim looking like the stern father. He glares at the car wanting to see if this car is safe enough for her. This is a glimpse into them as parents. I’m liking what I see. Also can I say how cute it is Lucy wants Tim to look at her car in first place. Of course he said yes.

Tamara comes out and says isn’t she pretty? Saying it’s her first car. Lucy correcting her saying actually her car was her first. Tamara makes a joke about it being her fifth if they’re talking stolen. Tim has such a dad moment. ‘What?’ She loves to push their buttons it’s hilarious. Telling Tim it's a joke. Just loves messing with her pseudo mom and dad. Lives for it really. This is a fantastic way to start this episode off.

The family energy in this scene giving me all the feels. Lucy telling her to get it checked by the mechanic first. That you never know what cars from seized police auction go through. Tamara says Tim set her up with his guy already. Lucy is beaming about this. Says ‘Awww you do have a heart.’ ha Tim can't be seen as soft so he deflects.

But you are soft for both your girls Tim…This much is obvious ha You're a soft little puppy for them. I mean it's only for them but a marshmallow none the less. His reply is sassy af. Saying it’s purely out of self interest. He didn’t want to deal with Lucy being a drag with her dying in a mangled fireball of metal on the 405. The scoff/look Tamara shoots his way is hilarious. Tim fires back ‘Joke.’

Like Father like daughter and I’m dying with the cuteness in this cold open. Also Tim mirroring her posture from when she said 'Joke' to him. LMAO Unfortunately a drug sniffing dog starts barking at the car. Tim opens the hatch back and searches it. Find kilos of drugs hidden in the compartment. Tamara looks so sad. ‘I’m not getting my car back am I?’ Hahaha Sorry my dear you are definitely not…

Lucy looks up who the car is registered to. It's ‘Jake Butler.’ Lucy pulls up his mug shot and is confused as hell. Ahhhh the beginning of Dim it’s glorious. They pick up his doppelgänger and it's pretty amusing. Didn’t have room for that portion but his ‘Yo, why you looking like me?’ LOL Kills me. They get him into interrogation and the girls are having a field day with it. Enjoying Tim's discomfort so very much. Tim isn’t about this whatsoever of course.

Lucy says maybe they were separated at birth? Tim replies he’s a year older than him and was born in FL. You can see how unsettling he finds this. Tim tries to brush this off. Saying he doesn’t look that much like him. Ok honey… Angela saying he’s not the brightest bulb. Lucy gets excited and says ‘Tim and Dim’ LMAO Enjoying herself far too much with this. Angela and Nyla are joining in on it laughing with her. They aren't helping tamp down her excitement about this at all.

Tim calling Jake 'Dim' is hilarious. Lucy's face when he does is too cute. Also It cracks me up the minute they enter interrogation Dim hits on Lucy. Doesn't waste any time. I’m dying. Also you know Melissa and Eric had a blast filming these scenes. They’re so funny. The cockiness on Dim saying she would remember ha! Man isn’t lacking in the confidence department that's for sure. They tell him they found his car. He gets all excited saying someone stole it LOL

They inform him it was towed cause he parked by a hydrant haha Tim confronts him about the drugs in the car and Dim denies having it. Because of course he does. His fingerprints are all over the bags. Tim says he helps them and they’ll keep him out of prison. Dim gets offended and says he thought they had a bond ha.

Lucy asks where the drugs came from? He tells them Mexico that he was supposed to drive them over the border. But then he wanted to see his girl first before he dropped them off. I.e. Juicy heh When he came back out the car was gone. Tim asks for the name of the guy they were going to. He tells them Ray Hajek. Lucy gets a look in her eye and asks if his crew ever met him? He tells them no but why? We watch Lucy light up and Tim is confused why she is so excited haha

It’s here we see Lucy’s excitement go into hyperdrive. I love this portion because she is like a kid in a candy store with this. The sugary high to go along with it LOL Grey and Angela are no help to Tim whatsoever. They are beyond amused by Lucy’s antics. Like to note how easily Tim gives into Lucy’s demands here btw. You're married you just don’t know it yet.

Once he agrees Lucy gets ultra hyper which has me cackling. I love how she stops him with her hands. Because she’s too excited to walk now. Saying all the things they need to do to get him to look like Dim. Tim pointing out she is enjoying this way too much. Duh. I love her excited speed walk to catch up to him and say he needs tattoos. Lucy was a little too excited for those tats heh She sure loves the idea of a clean cut Tim Bradford covered in tattoos.

We pan to Lucy being on the team watching Tim’s OP. Part of the rescue team if needed. Kinda nice to see her on the watching end instead of him. Being just as much the worried wifey as he is the husband for her when she does UC. He gets taken up to the boss and does a damn good job of it. They’re pissed at him first because he disappeared with their drugs. Tim saying he went to ground because he didn’t want to get caught. Trying to avoid jamming him up.

He then asks why Wisco his heavy shouldn’t throw him over the balcony? We watch Lucy and Angela tense up. Tim has this handled with his reply above though. He is shocked with his intelligent reply. Saying he heard he was dumb. Tim continues on saying he wants people to think he’s dumb. Means they underestimate him.

That answer is enough for him. Tell Tim get his cash on way out. Or he could do another job for him and triple it. Tim asks what kind of job? He won’t divulge that portion just yet. Only that it’s heavy and tomorrow. They’ll need a driver. They heard his old lady is fast. Tim makes a crack 'Sometimes too fast.' He laughs and tells him they’ll be in touch with him.

Angela catches Lucy and tells her she had Dim’s GF picked up. Lucy is like 'Ok…Wait why are you being weird?' Angela says she needs to see for herself. She is enjoying this far too much. It’s Juicy! Haha Having AU Tim and Lucy makes my soul happy ahahah Now Tim is the one enjoying himself. Lucy is in shock when she sees her doppelgänger. Angela adding in ‘I guess we know who’s going undercover with Dim.’

Tim’s taunting is funny I’m rolling. ‘Yeah Juicy.’ ‘No’ ‘Mmhmm It’s Juicy’ LOL I’m dying this is so hilarious. Not so funny when it’s your double eh Lucy? Also you know Angela was enjoying this way too much as well. Lucy’s ‘I don’t like that…’ cracks me up. She is so disturbed by having her own double. She was having fun before and now she doesn't like it. Also probably stirring some stuff up there is an AU version of them out there. Not only that but they're together.

We’ve arrived at THE scene for the episode. Tim is over at Lucy’s for OP prep. Saying the backstory has to be airtight. Lucy agrees with him and asks how they met? Tim's answer of a BBQ is vanilla as it gets. This is why she’s the UC babe LOL Lucy telling him that’s lame. I love her just being so upfront with him. She always is but there is a confidence here I love. This is her wheelhouse and Tim is just along for the ride. This is her show really and she proves that in this scene.

Tim is such a stubborn turd saying ‘You think you can do better?’ Oh Timothy you’re about to have your mind blown and your brain broken…She starts out strong saying ‘Watch me.’ Lucy rubs her hands together. Saying they met because he was on the run from the cops. Tim nodding along but not totally sold yet. Lucy continues on with he ended up in her building frantic.Looking for a place to hide.

That she was the one who opened up the door for him. That she lied to the cops for him. It's here we see Tim starts to be impressed with her backstory. That sweet smirk of his in the second gif. You know he is in awe of her right now. That smirk and head tilt is a dead giveaway. Look at how soft he looks gazing at her. Fooling no one sir.

Lucy’s confidence continues as she finishes up their backstory. It's the smug smile and direct eye contact she gives him as she delivers that line above that gets me. I watch this scene and I’m still in shock we got it. That Lucy is talking about their alter egos hooking up while the cops search for him. Thus his brain malfunctioning. Tim’s reaction is glorious. It will always make me laugh no matter how many times I see it.

Kudos to Eric for crushing it like he always does. Lucy short circuited his brain and it shows. He is having an repeated error message and failing to reboot. You can tell he’s trying to hide the fact she turned him on a little. She achieved this with her confidence through out the story and just blowing his mind right at the end. The man will never recover. He is legit speechless.

Tim was not expecting her to go there at all. She floored him while simultaneously turning him on LOL His professional brain came to a screeching halt when she finished. Also I'm sure he wasn't expecting to be turned on by just her words either. His body was not ready for such things. Good thing he’s sitting cause I’m sure his pants just got a little tighter….

Tim then remembers he has to reply to her plan now haha Trying to gain his wits about him. Telling her ‘Ok….that..that's pretty good actually.’ Pretty good? She just blew your backstory out of the water. Then proceeded to make your brain stop working. You know he’s a mixture of turned on and impressed as hell with her. Won’t say so but his face said it all for us didn’t it? He legit had his jaw drop like a cartoon hahaha

Tim is seeing she truly is a force to be reckoned with when it comes to UC holy crap. She is also basking in the fact that she crushed his plan with her own, made him speechless, and then got a compliment out of him. Lucy is feeling pretty proud of herself when she says 'Thank you.' I love seeing this confidence on her. It's a good look. Just like I'll never over Tim's growth same goes for her. To see the confident bad ass woman she is now. How far she's come. I love it seeing it.

Once Tim has some semblance of a brain back he mentions the elephant in the room. That if they’re gonna sell they're together. They’re gonna have to...You know…. Lucy knowing exactly what he’s talking about but giving him a hard time. Trying to get him to say the words. Pretending like she has no idea what he’s talking about. He continues to get flustered and stammers around. Poor Tim. He struggles with his words and stutters. He’s shocked she doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Lucy is enjoying herself far too much. Look at her face. Letting him dangle and trip over his words. Knowing talking about this is making him so very uncomfortable LOL So mean to do to your soulmate Lucy ha She finally throws him a lifeline and says we might have to PDA? Tim gets frustrated she strung him along and says never mind. Lucy stops him and says he’s right. If they’re going to kiss it shouldn’t be for the first time.

Then the awkwardness that is them pre-kiss ensues. They’re not sure what to do now…So Lucy suggests they stand up. No one does awkward better than these two. They’re so out of their depth right now. It's hysterical. I love a nervous Lucy Chen she is beyond adorable right here. The way Tim starts to lean in and she bails LOL Saying ‘No’ with a nervous giggle ejecting far away from him I’m rolling.

She totally chickens out at first and I don’t blame her. After last episode I'm sure her emotions are going haywire in this moment. Being shy because she already knows of the feelings there. That this was going to bring them out even more. Tim is about to find out himself what this kiss will reveal. Tim is exasperated and not understanding what’s going on here.

He's got a let's do this and get it over with attitude. The thing is Tim is nervous too. Look at him in that first gif. Takes a deep cleansing breath before trying to give her a kiss. He is just as nervous as she is. One thing to banter and flirt with your partner. It's another to kiss them. They’re both buzzing with nerves and it’s adorable af. Hats off to Eric and Melissa in this scene. I can feel all their anxiety and giddiness in this moment. They do an amazing job in this portion.

Tim get frustrated again and says ‘Oh, you know what? We’re professionals. Let’s just get this over with.’ Lucy’s reaction is the best part LOL Telling him 'Whoa! that’s romantic.' His childish reply of saying he wasn’t trying to be romantic LMAO OMG it’s a good thing you’re about to kiss. Because I wanna yell at them to kiss and get a room already.

Their banter is primo in this scene. Legendary really as is this entire scene. We talk about them being married a lot but never more so than before this kiss. Lucy telling him he’s succeeding and he replies with his pouty face. It’s all so hilarious to watch unfold. Lucy’s nervousness continues to shine through. Trying to reset herself as she psyches herself up to kiss him.

Tim never fails in making me laugh with his expressions and reactions. Telling her in an sarcastic tone to ‘Take her time...’ LOL Lucy trying to give herself a pep talk while Tim stands there exasperated af with her. He is so very done at this point. Just waiting her out at this point. Because he’s used to his wife antics. I love his annoyed deep sigh he let outs when she’s ready to rejoin him. The way he swings his arms in impatience lol

Tim finally leans in and gives her the most pitiful peck on the lips. He’s so proud of himself when he pulls back though. It’s pretty damn adorable if you ask me. He is expecting praise from his girl only to be demolished by her. Lucy was definitely expecting way more than what he just delivered. It's almost like she has to hold back a laugh at his lack luster attempt. Also that he thought he did a good job with it. Saying ‘I'm s...Sorry, is that it?' After all that build up just an innocent peck on the lips? Tim is so offended about her critique till she lays one on him. Effectively silencing him with a kiss. Also like to note how I love how this season started with an almost kiss and ends with an actual one. Lovely bookend.

I’ll never be over her cutting him off with her lips and grabbing him by the face. Pulling him forcefully towards her lips. *phew lord* Has his whole face in her hands while she has her way with him. I love how he stumbles into the kiss at first. If you watch him in the beginning of this gif you see him fall forward into the kiss. Wasn’t expecting that show of force from her. He needs a second to readjust his body into what’s now happening. Both of their frustrations with each other melting away once their lips touch. Takes them a moment to find their rhythm. Then it’s all about melding into one another. Fitting like the perfect puzzle pieces they low key always knew they were.

How Lucy’s right hand drops to his chest as she gets comfortable in this kiss. In his arms. Doing what comes naturally while in them. She keeps her left hand firmly on his face though. Keeping those beautiful lips of his directed at her. We watch Tim start to melt into Lucy as well. See how his body begins to relax against hers. His hand has made it's way up to her shoulder. Had this continued I have no doubt they would've swapped places from where they started. His hands continuing their journey upwards. Tim encasing her face in his hands as he continued to kiss her as if his life depended on it.

We see them start to get lost in their kiss. That argument of their's a moment ago is long forgotten. It’s such a sexy first kiss sweet lord. Tim has quickly adjusted from the beginning of the kiss. He's eased into it now and is ready to go for more. We saw him begin startled then quickly relax into her as the kiss goes on. Seems so natural like they've done this before. Reminds me of Chandler and Monica. When Joey/Rachel ask Chandler what he felt when he and Monica kissed after being friends for so long? Telling them felt like 'Why haven't we been doing this the entire time?' This kiss represents that line IMO.

Look at the way he is melting into her as he looks to deepens that kiss. He’s attached to her upper lip. We can see a little tongue too. Don't think I didn't see you slip that in Timothy heh. He is ready to take this further when their pseudo daughter walks in….I love it being Tim who deepened that kiss. Making that all important first move once again. Lucy wasn’t complaining one bit btw. Cracks me up how Tamara's first solution is to go. Let them have more time alone. I'm sure she's thought of them getting together before.

She doesn't seem terribly shocked by this so much as incredibly amused. How could she not with how they are? Then the awkward hilarity begins. I’ll never be over Lucy’s ‘Oh!’ As they fly apart from each other. Both trying to put a continent between them. It’s so damn funny. Went from hot and heavy to insanely embarrassed. The music stopping abruptly as well. Never fails to make me laugh my ass off. There is so much to love after the kiss as there is with it.

The way they scramble to explain why they were making out is priceless. Stumbling over their words and each other. Lucy trying to explain that this is 'Work' Uh huh. Sure let's call it that. Tim adding on they're going UC. Tamara is bemused to say the least. Telling them they don't have to explain themselves to her. Tim then starts looking desperately for items he didn’t bring LOL Then realizing he has nothing to gather up.

'You know what? No. I didn't bring anything...' LMFAO Flustered Tim Bradford is a joy to watch. Lucy already broke his brain earlier and then destroyed it with that kiss. You know he’s in love because that man doesn’t get flustered easily. He legit doesn’t know what to do with himself. Other than awkwardly retreat from Lucy. He is shook and it’s showing big time.

I love that he’s a complete disaster just from kissing Lucy. This entire scene is iconic and makes me so happy to watch. They awkwardly point at one another. For what reason I couldn't tell you. Other than they don't know what to do with themselves right now. The height of nervous awkwardness has arrived and I’m joyful Haha They’re both so embarrassed and flustered it’s glorious.

Lucy is flaming red after she tells Tim 'G...Good work tonight'. She is mortified she just said that to him after they made out. Tim replies in kind because he is also nervously awkward as he leaves. She can’t even look at him as he makes his hasty exit. Her back is turned to him as he departs and does another dorky finger point. Saying bye to Tamara as he does. Lucy's facial expressions are legit killing me. She then she turns around to face Tamara and it only gets worse.

Lucy has no idea what to say to being caught making out with Tim. Tamara's face in that second gif is hilarious. It's like she's giving Lucy a chance to explain herself further. Wanting to see what she'll come up with. She notices Lucy isn't in the right state of mind for answers. So Tamara saves her further embarrassment and says she’s headed to her room…Bless you. Your pseudo mother needed that LOL

We join Tim in the hallway post all of that mess haha. I once again must commend Eric and his wonderful expressions. He conveys so very much in this moment. It’s the range of emotions he expresses that is so impressive. He just nails it. This is the moment where Tim realizes his feelings for Lucy. Yes she short circuited his brain 100 percent here. But there is far more to this expression than that.

4x21 was Lucy’s epiphany episode. This is Tim’s 'Oh shit I’m in love with Lucy' moment. It’s like he finally has the answer to why he’s always felt the way he’s felt. Why he fought so hard for her not to wash out. Why he said and did things he didn’t totally understand for her. Explaining why he was so protective with her in UC. Why he was ALWAYS happier around her. Just like Lucy it’s hitting him like freight train. His feelings coming sharply into focus.

He goes from broken brain, to realization he’s in love with her, to oh shit I’m in love with my best friend...what am I going to do? The way his eye bug out a little as he comes to this conclusion is everything. That kiss cleared the skies in his brain. He can see clearly now and it scaring him a little. Everything was muddled before and now it’s clear as day. He looks back at her door before he is able to unroot himself from that spot. Tim Bradford is in love with Lucy Chen and it’s just hitting him ❤️

The awkward cuteness continues the next day. Tim is sitting in his truck with his thoughts. Probably having an existential crisis in the process tbh. I bet you he didn't sleep a wink last night either. Probably trapped in his thoughts the entire time. Also he is clearly just waiting for Lucy to appear. Which is pretty damn adorable.

He perks right up when she arrives. Makes me heart so happy actually. Giving me all the feels. He is so adorable waiting on the girl he loves so he can talk to her. They’re both so smitten at this point my heart is gonna implode. She spots him waiting in his truck. Then does her adorkable wave at him when he notices her looking at him. It's so cute I cannot. They’re both so nervous it’s beyond precious.

First off love them matching in colors. I feel this was intentional both being in light blue. Once they reach each other the air is rife with unresolved tension. They cut each other off both wanting to speak. Lucy tells him to go first. You can see Tim desperately wants to clear the air. Be vulnerable about the kiss. We see the hope on Lucy’s face as he struggles to find the words. That he is going to say that kiss unlocked something, that it was more than just a practice kiss etc.

That does seem where he is headed when he started this convo. Then our boy loses his nerve completely. Says they should work more on their backstory …You can see the sheer disappointment on Lucy’s face that he said that instead. Probably wishing she had gone first and not him. It’s ok Tim you’ll gain the courage in 5x08 don’t worry. My little awko tacos. How I love thee.

Phew lord that was daunting to write about and tackle haha The sheer volume of gifs out there for this one are immense. But damn I love their slow burn so very much and adore writing about it. Can’t believe we’re done with s4 what a trip.

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Side notes-non chenford

Nolan had a SL but meh.

The only parts worth mentioning are Nell/Elroy being adorable. And how hilarious it was Pete slept through the entire fight scene for Bailey LOL

Thank you to all the readers been with me on this especially those from the very start. You know who you are :) Your likes, comments and reblogs have been a bright spot in my day shall see you all in S5 woo.

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misscammiedawn · 4 months

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Dissociative Identity Disorder in Mr. Robot

So I have been writing little essays about Mr. Robot recently.

Dom's Sexuality, Gay Marriage and Whiterose

Back to the Future and Brainwashing

Today I wish to talk about the DID representation in Mr. Robot.

Actually I want to talk about the DID representation in the Hulk comics but there are 40 years worth of storylines involving it and it would require me to write about clinical understandings from the 1980s when it was called MPD (admitedly Mr. Robot's stumbles at the finish line with some of these same outdated treatment models) and that would take a while. Suffice to say it will happen eventually*. I shall make a new tag "Media Myself and I" and post it under that when I have more time to do it justice. Maybe I'll do others. I am uncertain. I believe I want to focus on positive depictions where there are no murder alters. The goal is to get people to want to enjoy things, not to steer them away. I have a few shows and games in mind at the very least.

Regardless… Mr. Robot is an easier topic to cover and is my hyperfocus of the moment.

So Mr. Robot is a show about isolation in the modern world. It's a show about socioeconomic stress, late-stage capitalism and what it means to enact meaningful change on a broken world.

But above all it is about the healing journey of Elliot Alderson, a man with dissociative identity disorder.

I say that at the start because Elliot's condition is never named until the final episode. In many ways a realistic depiction of a real world disorder was an afterthought noted in the final hour of the journey as a means of justifying the split personality trope and hiding a final twist. In spite of that the roadmap for the show was always leading to this destination and along the way they managed to get some fairly good representation out of the mix.

Season 2 even involves the only time I have ever seen a piece of fiction depict "blending" on screen. Blending isn't a symptom listed in either DSM or ICD manuals. It is, however, something one would hear about if they had a conversation with someone who had DID. I have used that scene to depict what it feels like to my partners.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I love Mr. Robot. It is currently my favorite show of all time. If you have never seen it then please give it a shot. This post will be spoiler heavy and I'd hate to rob anyone the opportunity to watch S4E7 and have a pure emotional reaction to it. The show is on Amazon Prime and the full box set is available for $35-50 depending on format and vendor.

Go with my blessing.

The first season of the show begins with Elliot Alderson (Rami Malek) living a double life. By day a cyber security expert and by night he spends his time at his computer hacking people's accounts and satisfying a "little itch in the back of his head" that guides him to uncover the murky facts about people. The first scene of the show has him take down a cafe owner who hosts an illegal and deeply unpleasant website. I have seen individuals walk away from the first episode thinking that the show is "Dexter but with computers" but it is more lulsec activism with a Fight Club aesthetic.

The show has 4 seasons and each season depicts a different stage of Elliot's healing journey and with it completely different rules and depictions of his condition. I'll break down each season for what they do right and what they do wrong.

Season 1: Discovery

Elliot's system in season one is undiscovered but he has overt symptoms, meaning he is unaware that he has any alters but he suffers from clean breaks in his consciousness and drastically altered behavior patterns both which are a detriment to the "hidden" nature of the condition.

Commonly most people do not discover their condition until their 30s. I was 37/38 when our therapist started guiding us towards accepting our condition.

DID manifests in childhood but it's a hidden illness that does its best to go undetected. The point of the condition is to remain hidden. The internet and the educational resources it offers are helping younger individuals to recognize their symptoms and advocate for themselves at an earlier age but the standard medical understanding is that most people are developed adults before they are diagnosed.

Published statistics for DID indicate the global population of those with the condition is about 1.5% (some organizations argue the number should be higher due to how difficult it is to receive an accurate diagnosis, but 1.5% is the most consistent figure) which is rare but not to the point of never encountering it. For comparison, according to a 2023 census 1.0% of people in the USA identify as transgender. There are no tested classifications for Covert vs Overt display of symptoms but it is widely agreed that an overwhelming majority of cases within the 1.5% are covert.

We learn that Elliot is desperately lonely, abuses morphine and has paranoid delusions about men in black stalking his every move. Whenever Elliot is on screen we can never be sure what is real and what isn't, so there are times when men wearing black suits are on screen and we cannot be sure if Elliot is paranoid or delusional.

The show takes place through his perspective after all and we are a character in the show.

See… the narrative device of the show involves Elliot speaking to "friend", us. The audience. "Hello, friend." is a common refrain spoken throughout the show. The narrative begins a short while after Elliot had a complete mental breakdown and smashed up a server room, he is seeing a court appointed therapist, is socially paralyzed to the point of which we see him linger outside a birthday party and retreat home to cry in loneliness.

The entire first season Mr. Robot is depicted as another character, akin to Tyler Durden, a wild revolutionary who wants to encrypt the data of the world's largest bank in order to seal the debt records and reset everything back to 0. He starts off appearing in scenes involving the men in black stalking Elliot to mingle him in with the paranoid delusions and eventually begins interacting with him in earnest. Though the reveal is treated as a twist 8 episodes into the show Elliot does accuse the audience of knowing the entire time and he refuses to speak to us for some time, even going as far as to keep secrets from us because he cannot trust us any longer.

It's at this point that I will note that media depictions of DID tend to lean heavily on the phrase "it's a visual medium" and depict ways that characters can see, interact with and communicate with alters/parts in a dramatic setting. Off the top of my head Hulk is about the only form of fiction I've seen where the temptation to do this doesn't take over and even then the old "other face in the mirror" trope shows up there.

So for what it's worth the paranoid thinking and hallucinations are not DID symptoms and typically a person with the condition cannot see or hear their alters. In fact a testing criteria included in the MID exam is to rule out schizophrenia by eliminating the possibility that the voices heard are external or that any hallucinations exist. In Mr. Robot they are likely caused by Elliot's morphine addiction, but he gets clean after season 1 and Mr. Robot is always there.

There are some plot elements which I want to talk about but they do spoil the final "twist" of the show. So I want to warn again that anyone in the process of watching should be warned we are getting into entire show spoiler territory.

The Elliot we see in the show is the result of the stress fueled breakdown that Mr. Alderson had 6 months prior to the show starting. The timeline is fuzzy in my head but there were two triggers which set him off and began his condition flaring up (and/or caused him to lean harder into his drug addiction which in turn fueled his condition). The one we know about is that he was locked in a server room and forced to work long into the night on an issue and the already upset and stressed Elliot snapped and had a black-out.

We come to learn that he has had these his whole life but this is the first time such an incident occurred that he couldn't self-justify what had happened. He smashed up a server room, something he felt himself not capable of.

But the second trigger is the more important one.

His sister, Darlene, moved to NYC and started visiting him.

The bigger and better twist of season 1 is that Elliot and Darlene are siblings. This is hidden from Elliot and the audience for the first 7 episodes and her presence is treated much like Marla Singer from Fight Club, of whom she likely contains some inspiration, where she keeps showing up in Elliot's apartment and acting overly familiar with him.

In the earliest episodes when we are learning about Elliot's lonely life he looks at a photograph of himself and his mother at Coney Island. Due to some hallucinations we know that Magda is an abusive mother and screamed at/hit Elliot a lot. We learn more about her in future episodes and she is a truly horrible parent. Likely more than was ever depicted in the show.

The photo is actually of the full Alderson family including Darlene and Edward but is not shown as such until the reveals that Darlene is Elliot's sister and Mr. Robot is modeled after Elliot's father. The photograph is a reference to Back to the Future.

But it also is a fairly good visual representation of self-filtering information, even when it is contradictory in nature. This is common not just in DID but in all forms of CPTSD.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that develops during prolonged exposure to trauma and makes radical changes to the nervous system. CPTSD is considered a root of DID and it is universal for those diagnosed with DID to have a CPTSD diagnosis also.

One of the ways CPTSD symptoms manifest is "Emotional Avoidance". The nervous system is activated when triggers related to the trauma exist within the person's life. In order to function their brains push away these reminders and naturally avoid interacting with them. This causes those with the condition to become withdrawn, to isolate and to have distorted and often contradicting patterns of thought. For instance Elliot needs connection and safety that he associates with family but his family were his primary abusers and so he edits his memories to focus on positive associations such as a family trip to Coney Island that has become an obsession to him in adulthood. We later learn that Elliot's obsession with movies was born from it being his primary way of connecting with his father... which is fairly relatable.

His positive memories of his parents are held in high regard even though we know that his father "pushed him out of a window" and his mother used to put out cigarette butts on Darlene, tried to force her to commit animal cruelty and is often depicted in hallucinations as beating and screaming at Elliot.

In a case where it is impossible to avoid the traumatic trigger, for instance the return of relative who is a living reminder of his abusive childhood, the individual may begin to dissociate. Dissociation being where a person, overwhelmed by what they are experiencing has a separation from their normal state leading to a disconnect from emotions, sense of self and reality.

Episode 8 in particular contains a visual depiction of it when Elliot is having a quiet meltdown over finding out he has a 2 day deadline and his boss at work has known about the server exploit he installed all along.

(the show often uses the camera in ways to emphasize emotional walls, dissociation and isolation like this. This sequence does so by having hard cuts, shaky cam and frantic pace melt into a gliding slow lull where the background noise filters out and we can share in Elliot's distance from his situation for a moment)

Elliot's form of blocking out is extreme but has half a foot in reality (and half a foot in the logic born from the "twist" ending) in that in order to continue interacting with Darlene he views her as a member of Fsociety and edits out their connection until it is revealed in episode 7.

A small brilliancy about Fsociety is that the entire group is formed around Elliot and Darlene's need for childhood safety. The hacking elements of the show undoubtedly born from 9 year old Elliot spending time at Mr. Robot computer repair with a smile. The anon-mask that the show uses comes from an in-universe movie that Darlene and Elliot watched every Halloween and their base of operations is Coney Island. A place that both siblings seem to associate with safety and happiness...

Which is extra messed up when you factor Season 2's revelation that Darlene was kidnapped while on a family trip to Coney Island.

Darlene's panic attacks, need to feel special and her abusive upbringing are not the topic for this essay, but I wanted to make mention that Magda was such a horrible mother that a 4/5 year old Darlene thinks of being kidnapped from a family trip to Coney Island as one of her most precious childhood memories.

The desire to reach into the past and change things to create an ideal future is a heavy theme of the show and I feel it's important to note that though the Alderson siblings reject Whiterose and her scheme, they are both living in an almost literal fun house distortion of the few unambiguously GOOD childhood memories that they each have and have wrapped them around themselves like a protective blanket.

The plot of season 1 gets a lot more uncomfortable when you realize how much of Fsociety is two traumatized kids recreating positive elements of their childhood and trying to live inside of those memories while lashing out at those who took their father away from them. The entire plan is centered around events from 1995. The show takes place in 2015.

Mr. Robot himself is, of course, the ultimate symbol of that take on events.

Edward Alderson was a monster. He's referred to as such overtly in Elliot's detox fever dream. Everyone asks him who his "monster" is while handing him the key that we learn was to his childhood bedroom. A key that he hid to prevent Edward from entering his room late at night.

Yet throughout the first 3 seasons of the show we are only shown him in context of the positive memories that he and Elliot shared. Elliot was 9 years old when Edward passed away from leukemia.

At a point, Elliot is picked up from school. He has a bruise on his cheek and the scene begins with Edward asking "If I had to guess, you didn't tell Principal Howard your side.", assuring him it's okay to share his side of the story. Because Edward is convincing him to tell his side I am going to assume Elliot got into a fight but it's not impossible to assume that the school pulled Edward in to discuss the signs of physical abuse on the child. Edward would never tell Elliot to tell his side of that story so I assume it was a fight.

It's unclear if Mr. Robot is the one who participated in those fights (we only have 2 confirmed instances of Elliot's alters showing up in childhood. The window incident and the day Edward died) but Edward picks him up and protects him from his mother's wrath and bonds with him during that drive, he reveals his diagnosis to Elliot before inviting him to work with him at the computer repair store. Likely this is what leads to Elliot's hacker skills being born.

A hauntingly similar event in my own life is why I am a photographer.

Given that the majority of Season 1 has Elliot in the dark about his condition we are only given context as to why he is the way he is and see the display of dissociative symptoms which manifest from CPTSD. Mr. Robot existing at all is actually not required for this to be a good depiction of adults who grew up in abusive environments and the way they maladaptively cope.

I also want to give a little praise to the "itch at the back of [Elliot's] head" that shows up when he feels the desire to hack someone or dig deeper and the way he pushes forward with his own will until he calms down enough to let a creeping hesitation overcome him and prevent him from acting.

Passive Influence is part of DID. It's a situation where a "fronting" (that is to say part that is in control at a time) performs an unthinking action or is emotionally swayed by the influence of another part/alter that is not presently conscious. These are one of the biggest ways that the condition flies under the radar for many. When they are close to discovering proof of their condition they will often feel an unconscious push away from it. The phenomenon is fairly easily brushed aside internally as "a gut feeling" or an "impulse" but it's observable under the right conditions.

An instance I can think of in my own life is when our survival part is trying to push people away and our emotional part desperately tries to reach out. I will often find my hand grabbing a person's wrist and clinging tightly to it without even noticing that I've done it.

In the show Elliot is compelled by Mr. Robot when he feels someone is a danger or has a weakness that can be exploited. Part of him knows he needs to do something about it and so he lets himself be guided.

The season ends with The 5/9 Hack succeeding, all the financial data being encrypted and Elliot sent to prison for (minor) hacking charges.

He knows who Mr. Robot is now and he fears him as his enemy.

Season 2 (and the book): Exploration

The first 8 episodes of Season 2 are a filter for those watching the show, many drop off. Personally I love it but I can see why it's not for everyone. Season 2 is much slower than the first and Elliot is in prison for those 8 episodes. He's also imagining that prison is his mother's house.

That daydreaming coping mechanism is largely there to add a fairly unearned sense of mystery to a character development season and make things a little more visually interesting. For the most part I don't really want to focus too much on it or the way Elliot treats "us"/"friend".

The fact is that for this season Mr. Robot and Elliot are in direct conflict but they are feeling out their landscape and trying to find common ground. They are pulling in different directions but they are reacting and responding to one another. The show uses a chess match as a visual symbol of this and in such they are keeping one another in a constant state of check. They are opposed to one another but they are communicating and working things out.

So let's start by looking at the book. The book is a recreation of the in-universe journal that Elliot keeps while he is in prison. We see him writing in it during the show and the entire thing is available, it even includes little ARG elements to let you decode the messages Mr. Robot is receiving from The Dark Army.

The book is detailed like this and it's possible to note when Elliot's handwriting turns into Mr. Robot's handwriting. There are even points where there is "blended" handwriting. It's easy to spot in the above image because Mr. Robot writes with a heavy hand and in all caps where Elliot is soft and uses lower case, in the top line of the second page "you NeeD atteNtioN aNd aRe Willing to pay a lotta MoNey to get it." you can see Elliot slipping from one headspace to another while becoming upset at society.

Even still if you look above the FUCK SOCIETY image you see Elliot's calmer handwriting as clear and flowing.

When we were in denial of our condition we poured through journal after journal and chatlog after chatlog hunting for evidence to prove or disprove the theory.

It was when I looked at our old gaming journals (we took notes in pen/pencil live during TTRPG sessions because memory issues are gonna memory issues) that we noticed similar. Cursive used in some phrases, individual letters separate on another, the letters g and y getting curled at times and not at other times.

Subtler than what is displayed above but no less real.

Season 2 introduces us to Ray the warden brilliantly played by Craig Robinson. He empathizes with Elliot because he speaks to his dead wife as a means of coping with grief and assumes that Elliot is the same.

He offers Elliot guidance by asking him to play chess "against himself" and this leads to Elliot and Mr. Robot playing endless games of stalemate against one another with deletion on the line for the loser. It's the same brain and neither side wants to lose (nor do they truly want to win, Elliot admits as much in Season 3 that he likes having Mr. Robot and misses him when he's not around) and as noted above with passive influence, the games are always guided to end in a stalemate because no matter how opposed they are as forces, they both want the same things.

So... how about the Sitcom episode?

Elliot breaks his promise to Ray and looks at the website that he is tasked with doing tech support on. It's--- not good.

Ray uses a combination of crooked cops and convicted Neo-Nazis to have Elliot beaten into submission so he won't report what he saw. Elliot cannot handle this and has a mental break and wakes up in a 90s 4 camera sitcom world.

Alf is there. Because old episodes of Alf are playing in the medical ward at the time Elliot is being treated for his wounds.

The entire time he is taking a beating Mr. Robot is protecting Elliot by fronting and forcing him into an inner-world fantasy.

Okay... so Inner-Worlds.

In the show we actually had one of these in Season 1 during the detox trip but I want to talk about it now and round back and talk more in Season 4.

Inner-Worlds are a thing within DID treatment. Emphasis on the word treatment. It's one of the more commonly misunderstood things within discussion on the condition because it's regularly reported as part of the experiences within those who are diagnosed with DID but it's important to know that the existence of the diagnosis indicates the existence of treatment.

During any adapted 3 or 4 phase trauma treatment program that includes parts work, whether this be Internal Family Systems model which is used for individuals who do not have DID or system mapping and stabilization for those who do, the patient must work on creating a "meeting" space to visualize (or sense out emotionally for those with aphantasia) and much of the work of developing safety and structure within comes from filling that space with comforts and generating communication between parts.

I'll talk more on the "conference table" in Season 4.

It is possible for those not going through therapy to create one outside of the context of a therapeutic alliance but the creation of one is an intentional act. Not something that comes free with your childhood trauma.

Elliot's trip to the inner-world keeps him from experiencing any of the beating that the body is receiving and at the end Mr. Robot earnestly says he only wanted to take the punches for Elliot, nothing more. Elliot falls against him, tearful and whimpers out "Thank you" before we are given the flashback of the day Edward picked up 9 year old Elliot from school after the fight and confesses his leukemia.

For the record, my heart swells every time I see Mr. Robot acting as a protector.

So, let's talk S2E9 and the "blending" incident.

Blending is what happens when two parts/alters are co-conscious and are present enough that they are sharing control of the body. It's an uncomfortable experience. Co-Consciousness means that more than one part/alter is actively perceiving the world at any given time.

It's more complicated than binary yes/no. Every one of these experiences exists on a spectrum and no two people with the condition experience it quite the same way but there are levels of presence that one has.

The following is me talking more from anecdotes and personal experience than textbooks. I like to be clear when I'm not being academic because I do not want to spread misinformation in my arbitrary analysis of TV shows that will get 20 notes on Tumblr Dot Com.

Front is to be driving the body, to have your inner monologue playing (if you have one, most people do, but it's not a given) and have your emotions interact with the nervous system if you are grounded enough to feel your experiences. As I said, it's a spectrum. Everyone gets dissociated at times and can just go into auto-pilot or a trance. That all still counts as being in front.

To be conscious but not front is to exist in an emotionally reactive state. If Fronting is driving then co-consciousness is to be in the passenger seat.

It's truly difficult to describe and my therapist doesn't even fully comprehend it despite her being the one who educates me on these topics. Presently as I type this I can only feel one of our system (5 parts) active and "with" me right now. She's not speaking but she's reacting. I can feel her apprehension to us typing this much about our personal life, little flits of paranoid thinking that we'll get anon-hate or that people from our former life will see this and judge us. It's a presence and exists on a gradient. She's "awake" right now but I do not consider her fully "co-con" because if I asked her to tell me what she thinks about this sentence I can feel an emotional reaction (apprehension) but not a direct answer akin to "I think you should edit out references to our journal and focus on talking about the show" (which is what I imagine she would say right now). That's the spectrum.

Closer to the front a part/alter is the more direct communication happens.

There's also "asleep" and "dormant" when they are unresponsive. Pretty self explanatory. Elliot's system has 5 parts(plus "friend") and until Season 4 we only really see Mr. Robot and the main character version of Elliot. Magda and Young Elliot show up in hallucinations in Season 1 and Young Elliot is co-con in Season 4. Magda never shows up outside of emotional flashbacks and the inner-world.

So after Elliot and Mr. Robot combine forces (though Mr. Robot is still working with the Dark Army and is trying to move in secret) they have moments where they rapidly switch and cannot keep straight who is fronting at any given time.

There's a scene where Elliot is in another room thinking to "friend" when he hears an argument in the next room and realizes Mr. Robot is in the argument. As he walks in, Mr. Robot is surprised to see that Elliot is aware when he is fronting and he trails off and they switch.

Mr. Robot says that something feels off about how they are acting and that they feel like they're overheating.

A later scene depicts Elliot phasing out mid-conversation on the subway and picturing himself in the next car observing Mr. Robot talking to Cisco while a passenger plays erratic music on a keyboard.

That is such a horrifyingly accurate depiction of something we live with that I was stunned to see it on screen. I've included it in some of my stories that go over living with these experiences but the idea is when we are stressed out, can't keep our head straight and are blended like this we tend to have snippets of music playing over and over in our head. We also get what I refer to as "static" and that seems to be relatable in support groups.

A++ for the show depicting something about the DID experience that simply does not get spoken about outside of the spaces of people dealing with it. It was the moment I knew they actually spoke to people who experience this stuff and did proper research that wasn't just media depictions and medical textbooks.

The final part of Season 2's wild ride I want to talk about is the "lucid dreaming" bit.

Mind awake. Body asleep. Mind awake. Body asleep.

This again goes into Overt DID which I cannot comment on as much as covert depictions but the idea is that Elliot trains himself to remain awake when Mr. Robot takes over. We have seen from the blending experience that he is starting to remain when Mr. Robot is active and so he tries to force himself to stay when Mr. Robot is active.

In therapy this would be achieved through trust, communication and awareness. It's said in communities that systems tend to become more overt as they go through treatment as they are able to identify lines, parts can advocate for themselves and there's better understanding of what "self" means for every alter.

In my experience there's also an element of trying to pretend to be consistent and whole. We were coming out transgender when our therapist guided us towards DID diagnosis and there was a lot of tearing ourselves apart because we needed to act in a certain way for our safety and inability to do so put us at risk of being targeted. In accepting our system we have stopped trying to be the same individual and that has lead to a more overt presentation. As I tell my therapist "we need to act out our gender expression anyway. Every action we take is a performance."

That is to say, Mr. Robot has never attempted to maintain the illusion that he is Elliot Alderson (albeit he never identifies himself. He's even surprised to learn that Elliot calls him that) and Elliot doesn't even know he is "The Mastermind".

In opting to remain hidden and conscious he gains a greater degree of control and agency in his situation.

These things get easier as you learn your condition, build system trust and allow yourself to experience that which you feel comfortable experiencing. With the example of the beating earlier, Mr. Robot shut Elliot out and took the beating for him and Elliot resisted but ultimately did not want to be present. In this episode he learns that if he wishes he could have pushed through and been there and experienced everything, albeit as a passenger rather than the driver.

Therapy also teaches how to "go into the back room" to maintain stability. A technique that lets you volunteer to not be involved in a situation. My system all use this whenever I (Dawn) perform erotic intimacy of any kind. They cannot handle the thought of associating with those acts and prior to treatment it would emotionally disregulate our nervous system if parts that couldn't handle the concept were to be present during those moments because parts of me would be trying to dissociate while I am trying to act. It would either trigger a switch, cause blending or make a part shut down and become unresponsive for a large period of time- one of our partners actually discovered our system this way. She saw us shut down during a scene and realized it wasn't just a "mood swing" as we had insisted.

Elliot learns how to intentionally open up and be present when Mr. Robot is active and because Plot happens he is shot and decides to use this skill to close himself off and create a stronger divide between parts.

Season 3: Rejection

If Season 2 was the pair working things out on a chess match where they keep one another in check then Season 3 is after Elliot has tossed the board and decided to shut Mr. Robot out completely.

The arc words are "battling in our own voids", in Season 1 Mr. Robot was always aware of what Elliot was doing but Elliot was unaware of Mr. Robot's actions and in Season 2 they were fairly co-conscious to the point of overheating. Season 3 the connection is shut down. Mr. Robot has no concept of what Elliot is doing and Elliot no concept of what Mr. Robot is doing.

This goes back to the Overt/Covert thing mentioned at the start. It's a rare thing even within a rare disorder to have that level of amnesia barriers between parts and so I can't really comment on accuracy. It's a frustrating season for me in that regard because Season 2 was doing so well at depicting something that I have lived through that going back to Fight Club tropes was fairly disappointing to me.

Season 3 is great by the way. It's a debate on if 3 or 4 is the best but it's close enough that there is a debate.

The real meat of the discussion, spare for the events of the final episode where they reconcile, is in how other people treat them and talk about their condition.

Angela Moss is Elliot's childhood best friend and also lost a parent to the disaster that claimed Edward Alderson's life. She discovered Elliot's condition during his breakdown in S1E8 and was brainwashed by the show villain Whiterose in S2E11 (I have a write-up of the psychological principals at play with the brainwashing here).

In Season 3 she acts as Elliot/Mr. Robot's handler and is responsible for helping Mr. Robot continue his hacktivist terrorism without Elliot finding out. She betrays Elliot and exploits his condition. She also tells people about it without his knowledge or consent, which is pretty fucking monstrous in my eyes.

Don't out a person. Just don't do it.

When Mr. Robot asks how she can tell who she's talking to she responds "Your eyes. You're never trying to look away." which is accurate enough that I messaged my girlfriend to be sappy and grateful towards her as the first time she noticed our condition she told me it was our eyes.

From a 2022 IM chat, shared with permission:

"it's ... well, it's [...] your eyes soften, kind of, when going to Cammie. Dawn has this piercing gaze, like she's looking right into my heart and soul. Camden is just very alert, noticing so many things but not the level of piercing. Cammie... her gaze is softer. More focused, but in a ... drinking everything in, rather than seeking it out sort of way"

and added today when I asked for permission to share the quote:

"(for the record, Craig draws his eyebrows down in a particular way that makes his gaze intense in a good way)"

The show works as hard as it can to never let the audience wonder who they are seeing on screen at any time. Most scenes where Rami Malek is depicting Mr. Robot it is a brief perspective view to remind us what the other characters are seeing before switching back to Christian Slater playing the character. There are a few scenes which involve Rami playing the character for a full sequence. One is the context for a flashback where we see a scene Slater performed through another character's eyes where they see Malek.

The others usually involve us being in Darlene's perspective to highlight her unease and uncertainty of what is happening with her brother.

The only scene where it is ever treated as a surprise is when Darlene plants a bug on Elliot's computer while staying overnight and is roughly interrogated by "Elliot", only to realize midway through the conversation "Jesus. It's you".

The camera cuts back to reveal it has been Mr. Robot the entire scene. They avoid that trick throughout the show so it has large impact when it actually happens.

I feel like that scene (as well as the scene where Elliot wears the real Mr. Robot jacket and gives birth to the 2 Stage plan to take down Evil Corp) are important for reminding that no matter how differently Malek and Slater play their roles, to an outside observer they are the same person and when he acts "out of character" it could easily just be an emotional outburst.

Incidentally you can see the physicality of the acting if you go back and watch it again.

The end of the season has Elliot, betrayed, alone and terrified for the safety of his sister; finally reach out to Mr. Robot and open a dialogue.

He even goes out of his way to have this discussion on the Ferris Wheel at Coney Island both as a Season 1 callback and as a sign of trust. Elliot admits in this conversation that he missed Mr. Robot while he shut him out and wants him to be part of his life and in the season finale Mr. Robot says that he wants the two of them to keep talking.

Elliot also finds out that the window incident wasn't his dad pushing him out of a window. They jumped. Elliot asks in a kind and soft way to Mr. Robot, representing both his protector and an element of the loving father he wished he had, "did you know?"

Mr. Robot, the one who jumped. The one who wanted to protect Elliot from Edward says nothing. But he finally feels an alliance form with Elliot.

The road to healing finally has opened.

Season 4: Integration and Fusion

So let's address the elephant in the room right away. The show uses the word "real" to describe the Elliot who existed before the show started and considers him to be the only legitimate alter. There is enough wiggle room within the show to think that is in-universe ignorance but the show does nothing to prevent the fumble at the finish line.

I want to say upfront and before I start dissecting this season that outdated models of DID believed that there was a crack formed in a person's sense of self and that healing involved restoring the identity prior to the crack.

This is 100% UNTRUE and it upsets me that people once believed it. DID is formed in childhood during a time of a person's life (between ages 4-9) where the child is taking in data from their surroundings and integrating it into their socialized survival mechanics to form a personality. The child is working out what traits it can exhibit to receive nurture, care and protection from other humans and will adapt to those processes. Attachment Theory goes into greater detail about how this relates to the formation of psychological disorders, especially personality disorders.

For a traumatized child they will find that their environments do not offer consistent and reliable safety and thus they are unable to adapt to a version of their reality where they are able to maintain stable safety. This may be horrifying forms of physical, emotional and sexual abuse placed upon a child and is often depicted as such but it can also be a confused child trying to get affection from a cold and distant parent or having a parent who abuses alcohol and becomes inconsistent in their ability to give affection and care. Child psychology is a heavy and depressing field, sadly.

The result is that the child never forms a permanent sense of identity. This is a large factor in the formation of Borderline Personality Disorder and is why DID and BPD are so often thrown together within medical treatment and diagnosis. It's at the point of which when my therapist gave me our diagnosis she presented a clinical list of "myths" regarding DID and "BPD is the same thing as DID" was 5 on the list of 6.

The point of this detour is to say that there is no original self. A person who has DID never managed to form a stable sense of identity in childhood and thus they find themselves acting as chameleons in their day-to-day life, adapting to what they feel they need to become in order to receive the things they need from their surroundings. It's why there is a stigma in the BPD community over the concept of being "manipulative". In reality people with that condition are unconsciously adapting to their environment as a survival mechanism. With DID the added layer of dissociation is there to help the self function even when they are forced to interact with materials that are incompatible with their ability to function.

Pre-show Elliot was living a fairly comfortable life but his emotional needs were not met and at the time he was alienated from his sister. He was miserable and lived in a society that he felt was crumbling. His daydreaming gave birth to "The Mastermind" to remove the threats from his reality and Mr. Robot who had been there all along went into Protective Sicko Mode and decided to expedite the process in a way only a protector's morality could.

We'll get into system roles a little later.

The point is that day-to-day life Elliot (Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Self" refers to the part untouched by trauma as the "going about daily life" part) is not Real. He is not The Original. Those terms do not exist and are meaningless in this space.

True/Real/Orignal-Elliot is as much a construct as Mr. Robot. He's a version of Elliot who does not have to think about the trauma, he can just live a happy normal life. The kind that Elliot speaks often and derisively about in Season 1.

With that out of the way, I'm going to ignore the bad use of language and talk only about what is depicted on the screen and not said out loud. Because if you remove the misconception about real/original from the mixture, this is a perfect depiction of final fusion model healing.

Season 4 introduces us to the conference table in the inner world. A conference table is a therapeutic technique used in trauma therapy where you bring the alters/parts to a conference. The idea is that it needs to be a neutral ground where everyone is comfortable and able to share their thoughts and ideas. With practice it can be a space one can close their eyes and imagine, seeing their system and allowing communication to happen between parts.

Mine is based on the Minerals Gallery in the Natural History Museum in London. I refer to it as The Library. You didn't need to know that but I didn't want to discuss this section without mentioning it.

Elliot's is the conference room in Evil Corp where he and Tyrell spoke in the first episode.

Interestingly enough there are only 4 seats in this set. I'm not sure what the implication is here as in the scene depicted above Magda (Persecutor Alter) is scolding Young Elliot (Child Alter) for sitting in a chair that isn't his. They mention all 3 alters who are not present (Elliot, Mr. Robot and The Other One).

My thought is that this is the show going all in on the idea that Elliot ("Real") is not an alter and does not take a seat at the table. Which I have issues with.

I'll note as I did with the inner-world that this is a therapy technique and not something Elliot would just have in his mind. It's an accurate depiction of DID treatment but Elliot isn't being treated for DID. Krista is no way near close enough to be able to help Elliot. She's wonderful and deserves the world and more for how she handles things in this season but she's in the pre-stabilization phase of therapy where she knows more than Elliot is willing to accept and needs to wait for him to come around.

Speaking of Krista. Episode 7 is the greatest hour of television rivaled only by Ozymandias from Breaking Bad and the M*A*S*H finale. At present it has a 9.9 on IMDB.

The episode is structured as a bottle episode in way of a 5 act play depicting the stages of grief. This is the episode where Elliot peels back to dissociative layers and understands the truth. The truth of what his father did.

I won't type it.

I don't need to.

The next episode involves Elliot seeing Young Elliot and following him to a museum exhibit with a model of Manhattan. In Season 1 when Elliot had his psychotic break after realizing Darlene is his sister Darlene and Angela checked this location stating it was a place he used to go in times of crisis.

It turns out when he was young Elliot hid the key to his bedroom here to prevent Edward from getting in. All these years later adult Elliot (or "The Mastermind" if you prefer, which I do not) discovers it and has a heart-to-heart with his younger self, screaming into the emptiness that he's sorry for not protecting him. Sorry for letting him get hurt.

The scene is lit in the golden hues that symbolize safety in this show. The final season also takes place during Christmas in New York so it gets to show off that color palette more often which is great for symbolism and aesthetic.

Young Elliot shows that the act of hiding the key from their father was protecting him. It was fighting back. Sometimes surviving is the best you can do and you need to forgive yourself for not being able to do more.

God I love this show so much.

That episode ends with the scene I most want to just overtly show off to an audience.

youtube

I already loved the show. The final episode may have broken my heart a little with its talk of "Real" but this scene? This scene gets it.

Prior to the above video clip Mr. Robot cautiously approaches and says "Hey, kiddo". Something he always says. It's who he is. Regardless of anything else he, Mr. Robot, is designed from the father Elliot wishes he had and when he hears Mr. Robot-- no Edward's voice he tenses up in terror, allowing the above scene to take place with Mr. Robot so scared that he has failed as a protector by allowing Elliot to remember and that he cannot be there for him any longer because of who he is based off of.

Those with the condition commonly create alters who are based on the traits of those in the child's life at the time the symptoms developed. I... have experience.

The lines I want to focus on the most are:

Mr Robot: If I could go back in time and change everything that happened to you... just make it all go away...

Elliot: Then I wouldn't be me... *He turns to finally look at Mr. Robot* ...and I wouldn't have you.

The final arc of the show is where the "Mastermind" twist takes center stage and Elliot enters his inner-world and finds out that he created a peaceful reality for "Real" Elliot to exist in so that he is unharmed by the horrors of the world that is crumbling in reality. Mr. Robot, as a protector, wanted to expedite the whole hack and destruction of capitalism in order to rescue "Real" Elliot from the inner-world prison. In time he came to accept "Mastermind" as a part of the whole and not a rogue alter who was endangering the body and their "Host".

S4E13 lays it all down. An imagined version of Krista speaks directly to Elliot and explains the system and their functions. Mr. Robot a father and protector who could prevent Elliot from intolerable situations. Magda, a persecutor who blamed Elliot for the abuse. Young Elliot, who Elliot could push the traumatic situations on, a common thing that many do unconsciously in CPTSD situations, dissociating from the person the trauma happened to, disconnecting until they are just another version of self.

Elliot then says "I guess she doesn't know about you." referring to us, the audience.

Krista(*) looks into the camera and addresses us directly, calling us the voyeurs who pretend we're not a part of it even though we have been here for it all. She even claims we are on her side in getting "Mastermind" to accept he is a constructed personality who was there to lash out at the society that caused him so much pain.

"You loved him so much you wanted to keep him safe, no matter the cost."

The episode ends with "Mastermind" Elliot waking up in a hospital and reuniting with Darlene only to realize that she has known the entire time that the person we have been following throughout the show wasn't her "real" brother.

...and god damn it I hate this element of the show so much.

I'll accept that they had very little time to clean things up and needed to get a way to have Mastermind agree to the fusion. I'll even demonize Darlene and say she was being selfish and ignorant in saying something hurtful because she missed the version of her brother that existed before Fsociety.

But Our version of Elliot says that he loves her and she doesn't reply. Her disappointment and resignation causes Our Elliot to go back inside and agree to the fusion.

The show ends in a first person perspective of Darlene seeing her "real" brother wake up and that's it. I'm glad we never actually see "Real" Elliot, that feels fitting.

Here's the thing about that last minute fumble though.

Let's talk about Integration and Fusion. They are different things.

Integration is when dissociative barriers come down. The system is stabilized to the point of which the alters are capable of communicating openly, sharing thoughts, memories and experiences and every part has the ability to opt in or out as life goes on.

"Functional Multiplicity" is what happens when a system is in harmony, no memories are being withheld and the system is able to go about everyday life with minimal disruption or disregulation. It is a valid goal for trauma therapy and there's a decent amount of medical stigma around it being used as the goal and not a step towards the goal. Many clinicians prioritize the appearance of normalcy over the function of the individual(s).

Fusion is when you go the extra step and take this communication and sharing of memory and experience and as you tore down the dissociative barriers you tear away the division between parts.

A system is made up of parts that make up a whole person and Fusion is the process of all parts uniting to "become" that whole person. It is a valid and normal goal for treatment. It shouldn't be held up as the only legitimate method of healing but it shouldn't be demonized for being an option. I say this because I have seen some people in support communities get real upset when the topic comes up.

The final sequence of the show, prior to Elliot opening his eyes, involves the system at the inner-world conference table agreeing to go through with it and walking towards a cinema screen. Elliot says this will only work if we go too.

The family (and audience) sit down in the movie theatre and memories flood onto the screen and pour out until all experiences and emotions are shared in one pool and Elliot Alderson opens his eyes with all 5(+audience) alters fused into one.

It was almost perfect if only Darlene hadn't have rejected the "not real" brother.

The cinema screen projecting memories, all the thoughts and experiences being shared as the Alderson System accept their parts in the whole and agree to the process? It was a beautiful visualization of a healing journey.

There are imperfect moments here and there. There are great moments I skipped over such as S3E8 (I'm not up for talking about Self-Deletion today) but all in all it's the best depiction of DID for a main character we'll likely get on TV. It's a whole and complete narrative and I love it so much. It makes me feel seen.

#dawn posting #mr robot #dissociative identity disorder #elliot alderson #did #plurality #domo arigato mr alderson #media myself and i #watch me post my trauma in public #Youtube #media essays

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eldritch-spouse · 11 months

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I’m gone for a week and the brenti momentum is gone?? This will not do

I’m having a hard time discerning his personality, and the way your characters talk always make them seem a lot more real, so can we please have any scenario where he’s talking to Reader? I’m thinking good ol’ seduction👀 But you can choose whatever you feel like!

[That's fair, he's far from established, therefore his "live" dynamic is kind of gray. For this short little thing, I'm going off some of the concepts established in this post. Fem reader.]

TW: Noncon.

It's not often you take the time to sit outside. Well, actually, it's more like you don't have the time to do such. Really, you'd love nothing more than to spend entire evenings sprawled on a bench, catching some sun rays and listening to the chirping of avian wildlife. It's just not in the cards for you right now.

However, you need it.

Lately, you've been afflicted with something you have no name for. Burning waves of need have you waking up in the dead of night sweating like a whore in a church, body yearning for anyone to touch it, fill it. Your fingers cramp and there's nothing that can satisfy you when these episodes start. You tried to rationalize it, wondering if you were having some sort of worrying hormone imbalance, especially when these moments became more and more common throughout the day. Shame and confusion quickly shut down the possibility of consulting a doctor about this, so you've been suffering through this odd affliction silently, hoping it'll fade on its own.

When this unrequited, inexplicable arousal gets in the way of your daily tasks, you've developed the habit of going outside and basking in the light, feeling the warmth on your skin, hearing people passing by as you sit perfectly still with your eyes closed. While you wouldn't exactly call this meditation, focusing on evening out your often sped up breathing has some effect in dampening the heat in your loins.

The touch on your arm has you yelping a lot louder than you needed to, glancing around frantically until you spot him to your left side.

The demon... Uh, hybrid? To be frank, you have no idea what Brenti is. Nor are you about to ask, you should have when you first met him, but the time for that has passed now- It would sound rude. Nevertheless, the tall monster stands to your side with a bright, sharp-toothed smile.

He's more than a little odd. You remember meeting him only about two or so weeks ago, he introduced himself as a resident of Hell looking to move in somewhere on the surface, and you two really hit it off. There's a sort of mystic charm to the apparently eyeless demonoid. He's clearly out of sorts here, subjected to the stares of every local for standing out like a sore thumb, but his eagerness to try and fit in, his optimism, quickly made you develop a growing fondness for the monster. Plus, he seems to deal with the foreign attention pretty well- In fact, you've seen him get approached by some of the more outgoing, daring folk. You're pretty sure he's single though.

Which is almost paradoxical given how attractive he is. He's... Very good looking, in a unique way. You've never seen anything like him, and you hope Brenti can't tell when your stare lingers- If he can, he doesn't look bothered by it.

" Woah! H- Hey, were you asleep? " He starts, tail wagging at your jarring reaction, watching you try to compose yourself.

" N... No, I just got lost in thoughts. " You shrug, forcing yourself to look elsewhere.

His presence isn't helping your case. In fact, it's doing the opposite. The last thing you need right now is to have to interact with the good-looking go-getter that's been buzzing around. Unfortunately, Brenti seems to favor your company above most other locals'.

" Oh. It's kind of nice seeing you out here! You're always busy, aren't you? "

His hand has not left your shoulder and you're starting to sweat again. What a weird thing to say... Has he been hoping to see you more?

" More or less, you know how life is, right? " Weird, life has gotten very weird recently.

The demonoid nods. " Uhuh, you work really hard, it's pretty inspiring. "

You blink. It always catches you a little off guard when he compliments you. The way Brenti says things makes it unclear if he's flirting or being genuine. Maybe he just says that to everyone? It's not as if you watch him interact with others too much, but he always has an excitable look on his face. The one time you saw him frown was when another monster walked up to him.

" That's sweet of you, uhm, thanks. "

Awkwardness settles, you gulp and play with the hem of your shirt. Brenti stays quiet for a couple of moments, you think you heard him inhale sharply, but then he clears his throat.

" So... I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk with me. " He eventually breaks the silence, offering you a slightly less confident demeanor, but one full of hope nonetheless.

" R-Right now? " You're sure you're wet enough to almost be making a puddle on the fucking bench, overheating your body even more is far from a good idea.

" Sure! I mean- Only if you feel like it of course. But, to be honest, I've wanted to talk to you a bit more. You're so pretty. "

" Ah... " Somewhat shakily getting up, your eyes roam everywhere but the monster's general direction. Though it seems he's not content with that, quickly striding to almost glue himself to you. Did he always smell this good? " Thanks. " You sound like a broken record.

Should you return the compliment? It'll look kind of weird if you don't.

" You're uh- You're- " God fucking damn it, what are you even supposed to say?

" ... Yeah? "

Brenti begins walking leisurely anyway, and you quickly follow, aware he's very avidly waiting for you to to finish the sentence. Something about his attitude feels a lot more intense out of nowhere.

It takes a painful amount of time before you settle on something, probably because your mind isn't thinking of wholesome flattery. " You're very unique. " You fucking idiot, he's going to take that as an insult. " In a good way! I've just... Never really seen anyone like you before. "

The monster beside you beams very visibly, smile crawling further up his face. But wherein Brenti'll only smile and laugh when others toss flattery at him, you note he bares his gums to you, tongue flicking out to wet his thin dark lips. His subsequent smile is less cordial, less natural.

" That's sweet of you. " He parrots, mockingly maybe, it's hard to read him.

You're not paying attention to where either of you are going, limiting yourself to following the larger one's slight lead. It's only after a couple of silent minutes trying to reign in your hormones that you realize he's leading you deeper into the park. Well, you are on a walk with him, this is only normal... The notion doesn't ease your sudden attentiveness.

And you were right to feel slight uneasiness, because the monster eventually halts right in front of you. There's a purr steadily rising from his chest.

" You're wet. " He eventually comments, tail swishing rapidly behind you. " Like really, really wet. "

An already stressed heart skips several beats. What- What are you even supposed to say to that? It didn't occur to you that he'd be the type of monster than can sense that- Probably because monsters aren't that common around these parts. You never had to consider things like that before.

Frozen, you offer the demonoid a terrified glance.

" Can I taste you? "

" What?! No- What the fuh- "

He takes one step forward, forcing you to take one back. " Oh, but I can fix it, you need help, it's okay! " Brenti tries that winning smile again, but its charm dies on arrival. " You know, I didn't think it'd work so fast. "

You don't even want to ask. " ... Brenti, step back. "

He doesn't. You know you're defenseless against a monster like him in this state.

" You've been responding so well to me already! " The monster leers. " I didn't think my cum would take that fast, you must really love me. "

The world stops spinning. Shaky hues meet a white canvas of a face, searching for a hint of a joke that's not there. Who is this guy?

" Your... You- Your... "

Brenti lowers a hand to his slit, shamelessly touching himself as he steps further and further towards you, scenting the air with his tongue out. You mirror his steps backwards.

" Mhm. Asleep, you suck it off my fingers and everything. You're such a slut, I love you. " Brenti sighs, sounding manic and infatuated all at once. " You're only like this because you need it, you know? Need me. "

There's tears pooling in the corners of your eyes.

" No no, don't cry! I'm here, I'll help. It'll be easy- " Discolored, twin cocks begin poking out of his slicked slit. " You make me so hard, I'm almost embarrassed about how fast I cum for you. "

Your back collides with what you think must be a tree, watching the drooling, twitching demonoid approach you. This is a far cry from the monster you met that day, an even more torpid, twisted vision of the newcomer locals go out of their way to engage with.

" You're going to be my mate, you're going to be the sweetest fuck of my entire life- I'll make you soo happy! You'll see! "

When a cloying, fruity scent hits your nostrils, you know it's time to flee. An overworked metabolism burdened by the spoils of this beast's depraved work speeds off into unknown directions.

The ground shakes behind you.

It's a matter of time.

It was only ever a matter of time.

#Brenti oc #yandere monster #yandere teratophilia

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seeminglyranch87 · 7 months

Text

Taylor & Travis Timeline

October 2023 - part 1

October 1 - Travis is seen leaving Taylor's NYC apartment around 11am. Travis heads back to his hotel where the team is staying before his Chiefs vs Jets Game at MetLife Stadium

Taylor attends the Chiefs vs Jets game at MetLife Stadium, NJ, with Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, Shawn Levy, Donna Kelce, Sophie Turner, Sabrina Carpenter, Brittany Mahomes, Melanie Nyema, Austin Swift & girlfriend Sydney Ness, Ashley Avignone, Robyn Lively, and more. The camera cut to Taylor approx. 17 times during the game and the Eras Tour film trailer played twice during ad breaks. Taylor was seen hugging Donna, saying "you're amazing, I don't know how you do it" when the score was 20-20. Taylor was also seen mimicking Travis. The NFL change their tiktok and twitter pages again to reference Taylor's attendance. Various media outlets post footage of Taylor at the game, Travis likes a post of Taylor's reaction to a Chiefs touchdown. The Chiefs won 23-20.

After the game, Taylor was pictured leaving Zero Bond in the early hours of October 2. (x)

October 3 - Taylor is at Electric Lady Studios, walking in with Keleigh Teller. Taylor's shirt is referencing the song 'Any Man of Mine' by Shania Twain, the first lyrics of which are (x)

"This is what a woman wants Any man of mine better be proud of me"

Her hat says "Still Here", possibly referencing her Karma lyric

"Ask me why so many fade, but I'm still here"

October 3 is also National Boyfriend Day.

US Weekly releases an article with quotes from 6 sources on "Why Taylor isn't hiding her romance with Travis Kelce" (x)

"Taylor has decided she's not going to hide anymore"

"She's going to be her authentic self and enjoy life"

The two "talk every day"

"Taylor's really enjoying getting to know Travis, they're taking it day by day, but she has high hopes. She likes that he's a normal nice guy. He's down-to-earth and isn't affected by fame. She also thinks he's hot"

"Travis is completely smitten"

"Taylor is at a point in her life where she's no longer willing to hold back. If something feels right - like it does with Travis - she's jumping in with both feet. She's very happy and loving life right now"

October 4 - Ep 57 of New Heights airs, part of the title is "The NFL Needs to Calm Down" (x)

"Is the NFL overdoing it? What is your honest opinion on how the NFL is treating celebrities at games?" asks Jason

"I think it's fun when they show who is at the game, I think it brings a little bit more to the atmosphere, brings a little bit more to what you're watching but at the same time I think they're overdoing it a little bit for sure, especially my situation. I think they're just trying to have fun with it... [the celebrities] are not there to get thrown on TV" responds Travis

October 5 - It's Travis' birthday today! He turns 34.

Donna Kelce makes an appearance on the 'Got it From My Momma' podcast. When asked what her favourite Taylor Swift song is, she responds (x)

"I think probably 'Shake It Off' -- we're getting a lot of that lately, about haters," Donna said with a laugh.

When asked if she's surprised about the infatuation surrounding Taylor and Travis' relationship

"I feel like I'm in an alternate universe because it's something that I've never been involved with ever before," Donna said.

The NFL release a statement in response to the New Heights podcast episode discussing the NFL "overdoing" coverage of Taylor at the Chiefs games, saying (x)

"The Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce news has been a pop cultural moment we've leaned into in real time, as it's an intersection of sport and entertainment, and we've seen an incredible amount of positivity around the sport."

October 6 - Travis speaks at a press conference. When asked about how he is adjusting to public interest in his relationship with Taylor, he says (x)

"As all the attention comes, it feels like I was on top of the world after the Super Bowl and right now, even more on top of the world. So it's fun,"

“We’re learning with the paparazzi just taking photos from all over the place. But at the same time, it comes with it,” he continued. “You got a lot of people that care about Taylor for good reason. You just got to keep living and learning and enjoying the moments. At the end of the day, I’ve always been pretty good at compartmentalising and being able to stay focused in this building.”

“I always check myself and my ego at the door and make sure that I come in with a clear mind,” he said, before being asked his thoughts on Swift’s world. “It’s worldwide, it’s worldwide, man. It’s been magnified for sure, though.”

A report comes out stating that the NFL asked its networks to promote the Taylor Swift Eras Tour Film at the Chiefs vs Jets game, likely in a bid to get Taylor to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. (x)

October 6 - Taylor reportedly flew to Kansas City "to see Travis" for his birthday to have a "chill night" (x). A sneaky little visit for Trav's birthday.

October 7 - Taylor leaves Kansas City.

Travis flies into Minnesota for the Chiefs vs Vikings game

October 8 - Travis plays in the Chiefs vs Vikings game in Minnesota. Travis injures his ankle during the game but after an x-ray he returns to the field and scores a touchdown. The Chiefs win 27-20 (x) (x) (x)

Travis would later post pictures of this walk-in fit with the caption (x)

"keep it chill like Sauvignon Blanc"

These are lyrics from the song "Lil Boo Thang" by Paul Russell, which contains other lyrics such as

"I'll be shootin' that shot like 2K, girl"

"But I'm tryna get to know you at least Don't take my talkin' to you wrong I can keep it chill like a sauvignon blanc I'ma keep it real when your man long gone If you're lookin' for a friend, then you got the wrong song"

"You a ten, baby girl, but I'm the one"

October 9 - The Messenger puts out an article in which a source states (x x)

"[Travis] jokes [Taylor] is his good luck charm.

“Taylor is having the time of her life at these football games cheering on Travis. [Taylor] and her friends are fully embracing this era and are having a lot of fun being there. Taylor has worked very hard this last year and It’s fun for her to bring all of her friends along, let loose and show support.”

October 11 - Taylor is in LA for her Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour Film premiere. She shuts down The Grove, LA to host a red carpet and early screening event with selected fans, wearing a very 1989-coded blue Oscar de la Renta dress.

Travis, take note, she loved us first <3

TMZ releases an article saying that Taylor intends to attend Travis' next game. The question is, will Travis play with his injured ankle? (x)

"Sources with direct knowledge tell TMZ Taylor plans to travel to Missouri to watch Travis and the Kansas City Chiefs take on the Denver Broncos"

October 12 - Taylor attends Arrowhead Stadium to support Travis as the Kansas Chiefs take on Denver Broncos. Taylor is seen cheering on the team alongside Donna Kelce and Ed Kelce. Chiefs defeat Broncos 19 - 8 (x)

The Eras Tour concert film is released today (a day early) due to high demand in the USA and Canada (x)

October 13 - I go to see the Eras Tour concert film! just an FYI :)

October 14 - Taylor, Travis and friends fly to NYC

Taylor and Travis photographed holding hands as they arrive at Nobu, NYC, publicly confirming that they are a couple (x)

Taylor and Travis make guest appearances on SNL - Travis makes a cameo at the end of a sketch parodying the NFL frenzy over their romance. Taylor introduces Ice Spice as the musical guest. (full skit x) SNL IG (x x)

Taylor & Travis attend the SNL afterparty at Catch Steak NYC (x)

October 15 - Travis attends Eagles vs Jets game to support his brother Jason Kelce at MetLife Stadium, NJ. He is seen leaving Taylor's NYC apartment. Travis is given a friendship bracelet with beads spelling out "on the map" referencing a tiktok trend. He smiles and holds it to his heart. (x) (x)

Taylor & Travis are pictured leaving The Waverly Inn, NYC (x).

A nosey diner shares her observations of Taylor & Travis getting cosy (x)

Annie Williamson told The Messenger. "It looked super romantic and was super intimate."

"I cannot emphasize enough how close they were sitting, like so close and snuggled up."

Ms Williamson also shared a video of the couple leaving the restaurant (x). Thank you for your service Annie 🫡

Erin Andrews and Charissa Thompson remind their listeners of the Calm Down with Erin and Charissa podcast recorded on August 3 where they implore Taylor to date their friend Travis (x)

“please try our friend Travis. He is fantastic”

to which Travis commented on IG

“😂😂 You two are something else!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻 I owe you big time!!”

Go to previous update -> September 2023 Part 2

Go to next update -> October 2023 Part 2

Return to timeline

#taylor swift #travis kelce #taylor and travis #taylor swift and travis kelce #traylor #87 and 89 #timeline #killatrav #seemingly ranch #tayvis #Taylor & Travis timeline #87 + 13 = 100

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prinnamon · 1 month

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@spiderh0rse has been posting some fantastic notes while it makes its way through Freeman's Mind, so i got inspired to do the same for Mind of Ryan today! it's a shorter series, so here's my thoughts on all eight episodes plus extras. was not expecting to sit down and watch it all today but i was overcome by the need to do so. you know how it is.

WIKI

full name: Ryan Harrison Sullivan

date of birth: August 25, 1976

has received HEV training

working in "mechanics & AI development"

EPISODE 1

listening to "Anywhere But Here" from the album The Story Of The Mechanical Man by Behavior at the start of Episode 1, meaning the series must take place after its release in May 2001.

drives to work ("helicopter rides are too expensive," so apparently the employees have to pay out-of-pocket to fly out to the facility)

didn't sleep well the night before. yet another mindverse character who refuses to get good sleep or eat a nice meal

wears his lab coat all the time even outside of work because he thinks it makes him look "cool as fuck" and because it's very comfortable. people think he's weird for this.

he used to live in michigan

one time a raccoon bit into the power lines and this knocked the power out for the entire town he lived in

willing to shrug it off when people start talking like sephiroth in his mentions say concerning shit. very "haha ok whatever you say man"

barney is his roommate. ryan thinks of him as lazy. barney relies on ryan as his alarm but ryan is not above giving the fuck up since barney is a heavy sleeper

excited at the sight of a mechanical keyboard (based)

appreciator of air conditioning. his college (presumably UChicago; see Episode 6.5) had no a/c.

ryan knows barney gets pissed about it when he finds a safety violation like a lack of handrails on a staircase or walkway, but he never reports these violations

just. casually hops over a counter to throw something away in an inaccessible trash can. tells people to get over themselves about it when they react negatively

EPISODE 2

ryan works in sector G as a robotics engineer

wonders if he's "the only young scientist here," so probably either doesn't know Gordon, Felix, Stark, and Ramirez or is only referring to his department

KNOWS COLETTE GREEN. LIKES HER. THINKS SHE'S COOL. (based)

"she is just the right amount of crazy." is a little younger than her

hasn't been late to work often.

could live without his break, but it would suck.

thinks the transit station is "unnecessarily huge"

can get a little mean in a tense situation (calls a guard a "dumbass")

mind goes blank in a crisis ("i just don't even know what to fucking think right now!")

EPISODE 3

his chest hurts when he wakes up. presumably from cpr.

"my brain isn't really registering everything that's happening. i feel like i should be panicking, but i'm not."

hates roaches. does know they're a vital part of the ecosystem and that his hatred is irrational but hates them anyway

"hi, rat."

notices his lab coat is dirty. he's unsure why he's fixated on that when he has bigger problems.

cold and wet and NOT having fun!

illustrated end card shows him holding his flashlight up over his shoulder

EPISODE 4

gets attacked by a headcrab, which presumably gives him the little cut on his right cheek seen in every end card from this episode forward!

uncurious about the aliens. does NOT want to know what they are. just get him outta there

knows everything about the tau cannon. recites facts about it to calm himself down. i think his mental "happy place" is just a rotating 3D model of the tau cannon. which is incredibly real. also he calls it the tau cannon (based)

his plan for today, if he'd actually gotten to work, was to "see if [he] could apply a self-limiter to the alt fire to prevent it from overcharging."

he wishes he was in his lab right now.

his reaction to seeing a dead guard lying next to their equipment is "oh, hey, a bulletproof vest!" and he takes it and puts it on with NO hesitation. he then immediately starts searching the corpse for other useful shit. and this is like. one of the first dead bodies he came across. really just getting right to it. who needs to descend into apathy when you can save time by starting there?

able to recognize that this situation is incredibly fucked-up but not really able to engage with that fact emotionally.

it feels wrong to him to kill the headcrab zombies. he recognizes that they probably used to be his coworkers. after taking out two of them, he resolves not to do it anymore.

EPISODE 5

his black mesa-issued flashlight is a shake-to-charge light.

barnacles are "ceiling tongues."

"man, that thing killed Bob. he was two days from retirement. how could you do that?" i have no idea if he's being serious and he recognized the construction worker who got killed by a barnacle here or if he's making a joke to dispel the horrors—oh. yeah. he flat out says he has no clue who that guy was

his robotics lab is in the biology building! he doesn't understand this, but he also doesn't mind. (Heather's a biologist! maybe he knows her, since they work in close proximity.)

ditches the vest for improved mobility.

chuckles in disbelief after managing an impressive feat of acrobatics

says electrical failures and brief power outages were regular occurrences even before the incident

takes a snickers bar off a dead guard

could go for a pizza right now

can't rule out that the facility's haunted

"what the fuck is that? wait. that reaction is not suitable. allow me to rephrase: AAAAAAAAHHH!" hmm. i see. makes another tally mark on my "Ryan's first instinct in this situation is not to panic, and he only really does so because he thinks it's what a reasonable person would do right now" list

EPISODE 6

lived out of a storage unit for a while when he had no other option. he packed all his stuff in a rented storage unit and hid his bed behind the stacks of boxes. it was always miserably cold in there and he did Not have bedding. being in the drainage canal reminds him of what that was like

acknowledges he may have to fight the headcrab zombies eventually but "just can't stand the idea of beating them to death" because of how violent and brutal it feels

really doesn't wanna leave the guard with the broken leg to die but reluctantly accepts his weapon when he says he's "never gonna make it"

even with a gun, he'd rather run from danger. gotta conserve ammo.

"why is it so difficult to leave the building?!"

impressed that the guy in the control room hacked the announcement system. tried to do so for April Fools last year but failed to bypass the firewall

panics and accidentally kills(?) mister control room by shooting the bullsquid attacking him with a shotgun, sending both the bullsquid and the guy flying out the window. feels really truly quite bad about that.

EPISODE 6.5

ryan went to the university of chicago!

ryan drinks squirt (the grapefruit-flavored soda)

in 1995 he spent $1500 on a giant fucking heavy ass laptop while absolutely not having the money to do so. he regrets nothing. he love computer

EPISODE 7

OH RYAN HAS A CUSTOM 3D MODEL. OKAY. SICK. ANIMATED OPENING.

has a cell phone on him

injured his leg pretty bad when the elevator fell but doesn't seem to have lost consciousness at any point. yeowch!

concerned about how the pain in his ears from firing a gun in a vent is significantly less than the pain earlier from the houndeyes' soundwave. wonders if he's sustained permanent hearing damage.

his tune has changed regarding vents. hated being in the first one he had to crawl into. now they're a nice change of pace, because he at least knows larger enemies can't follow him in and chase him.

barnacles ceiling tongues are now "tongue monsters." he addresses one as Chunky the Tongue Monster.

a little sad/guilty watching as guards fight for their lives and he ascends on an elevator towards the surface. "this whole situation is just so fucked, man. you just kinda have to look after yourself, and if anybody gets hurt or dies, you just have to leave them. damn."

his phone is a Nokia 3300B. it is a thing of beauty.

once he gets high enough to have cell service, he gets a call from Tod Arlen, who's been trying to call him for hours. Ryan says Arlen's "the last person [he] expected a call from."

arlen has already escaped with Kate by this point!

arlen warns ryan that he's heard some black ops chatter and they plan to blow the place up. ryan is silent about this until arlen's like "are you there?" and ryan very calmly/dismissively says "yeah. well don't worry about me, man. im almost at the parking garage so i'll be fine :)"

they make plans to meet at the clayton airport when ryan gets out. (and, over the phone with arlen, ryan does seem pretty confident it's a "when" situation, not an "if.")

ryan seems calm and casual throughout the phone call but lets himself freak out about the gravity of the situation as soon as he hangs up. ("i'm going to fucking die.")

EPISODE 8

the wiki suggests that an eighth episode was in production at one point, but there's no such thing on YouTube unless you count an unlisted video called "Shotgun SFX Test - Mind of Ryan Episode 8"

there's an end card for ep8 showing ryan having survived being shot. i don't believe episode 8 got made. i think the illustration is all there is.

there is a speedpaint of the episode 8 end-card tho!

"STARTING OVER."

"the only way mind of ryan will come back is through the form of a reboot, and i don't know when or if that's going to happen."

#prinna's posts #prinna's machinima notes #mind of ryan #ryan sullivan #ryan h sullivan #i like this fella. i feel like he and stark would get along ok.

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nobodysdaydreams · 7 months

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THE WOLF359 CAST IS INCREDIBLY TALENTED AND I LOVE THIS! (or my reaction to the Wolf359 Live Show)

"Another Wolf359 reaction already? But Bods, I thought you said you were busy?" Yes indeed I am my friends, if I wasn't busy, I would have finished the podcast by now. In my younger days, I did all of ATLA in a weekend. Sadly at this age, I can't be doing that kind of bingeing. I'm also tired, because I've been studying all day and figured why not take a little break and watch the Wolf359 Live Show?

I firstly wanted to give a shoutout to @commsroom for not only telling me about when to watch the live show (after episode 26), but also telling me that it is on youtube where you can watch it live so thank you so much!

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts. Especially in this one because it is late, and I am tired.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell

Wolf359 Live Show Reaction:

"First ever life show" - are there other live shows?

Oh okay this is very helpful. So it's in the middle of Episode 26, so right in the middle of what I just listened to, that makes a lot more sense.

I honestly don't care about the audio quality difference this is amazing.

Uh...pretty sure Cutter is not the forces of good... see Doug this is why you always read the fine print! It's like that ominous song...the one that was a tik tok audio? The one about an evil corporation in space? I think it might have been video game music? You guys know what I'm talking about please tell me I didn't imagine this.

YES THE ONE COPY OF HOME ALONE 2 COMES BACK!

PLEASE- the way Doug is telling the story is the way I tell stories "Hilbert strikes back: specifically Doug's circulatory system" 😂

"Palpatine MD" 😂

I love how they enter in as their characters are introduced.

I love Hera though it is weird to hear her voice clear without coming through the intercoms.

Zach is doing a fantastic job I love how he's moving around Minkowski to play both Hilbert and Doug 😂 and he's doing a great job switch characters.

Lovelace!

I love how he crosses over to whisper to Hera, I can just see Doug's character whispering into her intercom or in the general direction of the computer even though it doesn't make a difference to her.

I also like Hera's character position on stage away from the others, it's kind of symbolic.

"Team Eiffel's on the case" I have literally used the phrase "Detective Bods is on the case" multiple times on this blog, why do I relate so strongly to every ADHD character I come across sasjdkfjsl;kdfj;slk. Not the talking to himself too... NOT THEM LOOKING AT HIM IN THE BACKGROUND...oh no...

I love how Hera says "yeah we're all here" when she's always there.

17 months Doug? Oh dear...

"No one told me it was my job" Valid Doug, valid, what you're told when you're spaced out doesn't count. ADHD rule #1. Oh she told him multiple times? Well maybe they could have written it down for him. Would that have been too much trouble?

Hilbert shut up.

Poor Hera. The way she shuts them down 😂

SHUT UP HILBERT. THANK YOU.

Oh not the Pyrce and Carter thing again. Do we ever get to meet Pryce and Carter? Do they work for Goddard Futuristics? Is this a NASA textbook? At first I thought she said something about a price and then "Cutter", and I was like "PLOT TWIST" but never mind it's just the tips book.

Minkowski's Lovelace impression 😂 HIS HERA IMPRESSION IS JUST A HIGH PITCHED VOICE. Hahaha...his Hilbert is hilarious. Her Doug impression. 😂

"No no she's Eiffel, that's impossible" This is perfect, and then the switch back to Hilbert. Comedic perfection. I love it so so much.

"Hilbert you're fine try to be less fine" I love Hera.

"Can I ask you to act like an adult?" "That's not my thing" the comedic timing of this is excellent.

"What do you even do here?" Hold Hilbert's Decima virus of course.

Comms line? With who?

PLEASE 😂OH MY GOODNESS CUTTER. The way he stands up from the audience with his smug little smile...

You just know he's been waiting his entire life to play a role like that. Honestly me too, so good for him for getting to live the dream. DID HE JUST PAT THE HEAD OF A RANDOM PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE. HE DID. HE EVEN HAS A SUIT.

"We'll break bread, we'll dance, we'll kiss-" Cutter man, I'm pretty sure you can't say that. I know that you're an evil corporation that murders people on the regular and unethically experiments on people in space so the law can't get you, but you don't even have one HR rep?

Another call Cutter? What deployment?

"He remotely destroys station, then goes on lunch break" Yep sounds like Cutter.

The way Cutters reenters... it's so dramatic I love it.

They are really gonna have to make sure their stories match.

Huh. "Communication problem of our own." I wonder what that could be Cutter? A little issue at Command?

"Alone at last" That sounds creepy Cutter.

Oh so Cutter worships at the alter of the Pryce and Carter manual too. Maybe he forced them to write the book and killed them. Maybe he wrote it under two pen names to make it sound more legit. Either way I can't imagine him memorizing anyone's book but his own.

CUTTER'S ASKING ABOUT HER FAMILY? oh he's threatening her. IS HE THREATENING HER FAMILY?

They are very low on toothpaste.

"I want to help in every way I can, but I can only do that if I know what's going on" Cutter I hope you die. Painfully. Very slowly and very painfully, and if it doesn't happen in the show, I'll write it into a fic.

Oh he's speaking to Hera now because of what she said... that's interesting. Cutter didn't think of Hera as a person or member of the crew before he realized that Minkowski did.

Doug is me cramming for my exams. DOUG IF ITS NOT A VIDEO CALL YOU CAN WRITE STUFF DOWN.

Or fake an illness.

Oh dear poor Hera.

"Manufacturing errors." I hope that doesn't mean anything bad for those robots, otherwise that has to be sad for Hera to hear.

Okay...I love how Hera and some of the other actors look straight at the audience like they can't see Cutter, but Cutter looks directly at them as if he can see them. It adds so much to the creep factor.

Oh my gosh that manual again. Why is he obsessed with it?

"You'd be shocked at how much I know about the Hephaestus" Cutter knows everything.

AND DO NOT CALL HERA PATHETIC.

Oh my gosh Hera talked back to him for a second. I think she's the only one who ever does thus far, which is odd considering all her code that stops her from doing that.

"A real person" THAT CROSSES A LINE CUTTER.

"I don't know if someone like you can understand this. We're trying to change everyone's lives" CUTTER SHUT UP. YOU ARE THE ONE WITHOUT A SOUL YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK.

YES HERA TALK BACK TO HIM.

Hera's memory files? Personality setting? oh never mind...this is awful that he can just go in like that. Maybe that's why he programmed her with the ability and personality that would talk back to him. So that he can get the truth from someone he can easily destroy.

"The people who made you decided you were a mistake, and you were so desperate to rise above who- what you are" Who made Hera? Are they important? Or did Cutter just scrape her up from a tech company that didn't want her? And Cutter "correcting" himself on that line I hope he's blown into space.

"Don't you dare" wow Hera's still talking back. "You have no idea." DID SHE JUST CONFESS THAT HILBERT IS STILL ALIVE. Oh Hera...

"To err is human" oh dear...

Doug looks terrified. Me too buddy.

It's okay Hera. You deserve better.

"I'm sick!" I love that.

Cutter's like wow, I should have started with him.

The way he puts his hand on Doug's shoulder as if they are in the room together, like he has a way to reach them even if they can't get back to earth, I love the choices the actor's are making.

He knows that Doug doesn't know Pryce and Carter. He's been listening in on him. For sure. Bro. Not everyone has read your manifesto that you by this point probably ghost wrote under two fake names and declared the best book of all time. It's like when a professor uses their own text book, I've heard this song and dance before.

Cutter. Doug should have memorized it but YOU HIRED HIM. He is CLEARLY in no way qualified for this line of work. YOU know that. YOU'RE using him as a science experiment. If I knew my professor was using me for lab science that could kill me at any second, do you think I'd waste time studying for their pop quiz on silly tips?

"How did Renee stop him?" Just say that it was all a blur Doug.

"Getting around security protocols, tricking a multiple PhD...stellar Doug" "Thank you?" Doug that's not a good thing. A target is on your back right now.

Not the arm on his shoulder again. Cutter for SURE killed their HR rep and their IRB rep, and ethics department.

"I would have had to skin you alive" There is no "had to" here Cutter.

3 seconds or incredibly painful things will start happening. WHAT THINGS?

DOUG HOW DID YOU FUMBLE THAT? YOU COULD HAVE JUST PRETENDED YOU WERE NERVOUS BECAUSE YOU FAILED. YOU HAD THE PERFECT OUT RIGHT THERE.

"I got the feeling that I would be the same convo you and I just had" I love the fourth wall break.

Oh dear. LOVELACE YOU BETTER BE QUIET. NO NOT ALL THE STUFF DOUG YOU AT LEAST KEPT LOVELACE QUIET. DON'T BLOW THAT TOO.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I want to help you?" Get. Them. Back. To. Earth.

Cutter's little schoolboy laugh. Oh yikes. He's mad now.

Good job Doug, take the fall. Good solider. No, what are you doing, just say you forgot, don't say you kept information from him intentionally. Faking incompetence is so much easier when you actually are incompetent.

The ultimate sacrifice. He will memorize Cutter's stupid textbook.

"If you keep anything from me again, holiday's over..." I don't like it.

"I want to know the second anything new happens with those transmissions".

Haha...well as a matter a fact, after that last episode...

Exactly. Shut up Hilbert.

Yeah the book is unusually dark. Pryce and Carter have clearly been through some stuff, or it's Cutter being ominous with his ghost written book. At this point, he either wrote it under fake names, or he's a Pryce and Carter fanboy. (Is it spelled Pryce or Price, I just realized I have no idea. I've heard of the last name Pryce, so I'd assume that's how it's spelled?).

"Did I mention that I'm sick"

Careful what you wish for.

Well that was amazing. I loved the way the cast used the space to make the characters come alive, the way they moved, the choices they made, it all fit really well. I really enjoyed watching this. It brought me back to when I used to do high school theater. I kinda of miss it. Hilbert, Cutter, and Doug are exactly the kind of overdramatic and unhinged roles I always loved playing (that is if I was lucky enough to have a director who went for gender bent casting, we as a society really need more comedic relief and unhinged women roles with crazy accents). Although I did once win a medal at state in middle school for a 10 minute monologue that was very much in the tone of Minkowski. I was playing a babysitter.

And ask the show said: back to work. Thanks everyone for listening, I hope you enjoyed my reaction. Only two more episodes left in season two so we should be done soon. Excited to see what comes next!

#bods wolf359 reactions #w359 liveshow #wolf359 live show #w359 #hera w359 #wolf359 #wolf 359 #isabel lovelace #hera wolf 359 #renee minkowski #doug eiffel #alexander hilbert #wolf359 reactions #w359 reaction #w359 reactions #wolf 359 reactions

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eventhorizon081 · 5 months

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Posting my take on the secret life ending (first reactions because I just watched it): (spoilers under the cut)

I was deeply disappointed by this ending, not because my favs didn't make it far but because of the utter lack of good storylines. maybe I'm not watching the right povs, but as far as I can tell, nobody formed alliances that were as deep as ones we've seen in previous series. I'd say the group that stuck the most with me was gem & the scotts (mostly because of scott smajor's sacrifice), and all other alliances fell apart too quickly as members turned red and died. I feel that this had mostly to do with the huge loose alliance that formed (possibly a result of the boogeyman episode, which I will contrarily say was really fun and probably the best episode, narrative-wise), which led to something that was basically a free-for-all after the few members that weren't in the alliance died. It ended up feeling more like a pvp tournament than a life series finale, which is sadly disappointing, given how wonderful life series finale narratives tend to be.

I think that's an inherent flaw with the system that was employed this season, because people often have to go off on their own to do tasks, not allowing them to build alliances and do the roleplays we love so much. At least, that's why I love the life series so much, and tout it to everyone I meet: these creators are all so talented and experienced that they can create these wonderful storylines out of nothing! NOTHING! The premise of the life series is that there is nothing going on besides the gimmick, which often doesn't impact much, but it makes every life and death so much more impactful! And I somehow just didn't feel that with secret life, because deaths were rarely mourned the same way they were in past lives -- because nobody was that attached to their teammates.

Now don't get me wrong, I still heckin love secret life. I think the secret system allowed for many amazing moments that will definitely go down in life series history. However, I feel like the benefit of the secret system was definitely seen more in the first half of the series, and the second half fell flat. Now, again, I happened to watch povs that ended up red very late in the series, but I also wished that red tasks were more creative. I loved the task where Jimmy had to assassinate Scott specifically! I think more players should have gotten tasks to specifically target players/factions! It would have made for better conflict and less of a free-for-all ending.

I don't know if I'm the only one here, but I feel like the life series has run its course -- in terms of new gimmicks. However, I would absolutely *kill* for a "re-run" of old gimmicks. (I mostly have in mind double life with new soulmate pairs.) For me, the appeal of the life series was never in the gimmick, because the gimmick only served to make life and death more meaningful when it usually isn't in Minecraft. The creators took that, understood the assignment, and made these beautiful stories for us. I really hope that the life series doesn't die out, because it truly is a gathering of the most skilled minecraft content creators, and a tour de force of their skill in improvisation. The beauty of the life series is its simplicity -- and I do hope we get future seasons closer to the original vision of the series, rather than leaning into gimmicks until the simple beauty of it is gone.

#life series #secret life #secret life spoilers #traffic smp

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jelazakazone · 2 years

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Liminal spaces in ep 6 of Heartstopper

As always, endless thanks to @barrows-teeth and @herewetumble for their insights and editing help and BT’s lovely gifs! Find the master post here.

Episode 6 starts with Nick googling “best lgbtq+ films'' on his phone just before his mum says “Mamma Mia.” Nick rejects this suggestion and his mom leaves the room to dish up pizza. Nick is still looking at the list on his phone, snuggled next to Nellie, when Sarah Nelson comes back and suggests “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Nick looks like he wants to say something else, but just says “yeah.”

As they watch the movie, Sarah comments that they had to watch the movie every evening when Nick was 11 and she knew it was because he liked Kiera Knightly. Nick resists “Mum!” “What, she’s a very pretty girl.” “Please stop talking!” They turn to watch the movie and we can see Nick struggling with the recognition that he is attracted to Kiera Knightly as well as Orlando Bloom. (Many have commented on how relatable this scene is for their bisexual awakenings occurred similarly.)

We have seen how comfortable Nick is in his kitchen with his mum and I think the living room is an extension of that space. He’s not ready to come out to his mum yet, but he’s more able to fully consider who he is.

Back in the fuller privacy of his room, he listens to the bisexual vlogger and seems to start coming to terms with his own sexual identity.

Meanwhile, the girls are having lunch in the canteen. Darcy quips “this is an interesting lunchtime gathering we’ve got going on here” as Tara and Elle both poke at their phones. Tara has just posted about her relationship with Darcy on Instagram and is getting mixed reactions, so she is happy for the distraction Darcy provides when she asks what Elle’s up to (looking at Timothee Chalamet’s Instagram? :)). Tara says “probably texting Tao” and they coax out of her that she does have a crush on Tao. “I knew it,” squeaks Tara. It is clear Elle has settled in and found her place with Tara and Darcy—a stark contrast to the day she walked in and the door closed behind her, leaving us all with an instant of panic — was she trapped in a lonely hell?

We have another scene of Charlie and Tao interacting with Harry outside school near the picnic tables which goes according to toxic masculinist ideas of heteronormativity. “Watch out Dicknozzle,” Harry spouts. Tao retorts, “if you want my attention that badly, why don’t you just throw something at me, like your last remaining brain cell.” Harry is left speechless and on his own turf, at that.

They walk past Nick and Imogen sitting on one of the tables. Tao gives Nick a disgusted look. Nick looks at Charlie like he feels sorry about something.

Tara is sitting in an instrument room, flipping through mixed comments on Instagram again. Darcy joins her and Tara warns her to “mind the door, that’s the one that locks you in if you let it shut.” Darcy reminisces that this is “the room...the special room, [they] got locked in and had [their] first kiss.” I love the fact that their first kiss was literally in a locked closet, before Tara was out. The orchestra teacher finds them and chastises them for being late for rehearsal. They remark she’s literally the only one in a 50 mile radius who doesn’t know they are together. So, maybe part of that closet still remains (and reminds us that we are always coming out).

In the orchestra room, one girl says to Tara “I never would have guessed you were gay, but it’s so cool and brave of you” and a few minutes later, in the background, we hear girls responding with disgust to Darcy’s comment about same-sex schools being a waste from her perspective “as an absolute lesbian.” Where the closet was a safe space for the girls, the open classroom is not.

Nick and Charlie are lying on a blanket in the park and Nick says “How did you realize you were gay?” This is the first time we’ve seen Nick talk to someone about being queer. He’s been researching the topic in the privacy of his own bedroom (and obviously kissing Charlie in secluded locations) but this is the first time the topic has been raised in a more public environment. Charlie is secure with his identity (“It’s always been boys”) but Nick makes faces and Charlie guesses Nick “didn’t feel the same when he was little.”

This is reminiscent of the park with Imogen, when Nick was saying he had buried his real self and he was trying to figure out where he fit. Now, he says again “I don’t know what [sexuality] I am.” But with Charlie, he can be more clear about the topic and the open air reinforces our impression that Nick is becoming more comfortable with sharing his full self. Charlie even says that Nick doesn’t have to figure it out right now and that even he didn’t wake up one day and say “oh, look, guess I’m gay now.” Society informs who we are. We aren’t defining ourselves in a vacuum. But when a couple walks by with a dog as they are about to kiss, Nick sits up suddenly, breaking it off. He is not ready.

Nick accompanies Charlie into the gym for rehearsal and asks if he can attend the performance. Charlie moves away to get his drum kit set up and Tara walks up, taking Charlie’s position on the floor. They make a little small talk and then Nick tells Tara that he and Charlie are sort of “going out, but please don’t tell anyone.” Tara says “It’s funny how things turned out between us,” referring to the kiss they shared 3 years ago and they both agree that irony is not lost on them.

Nick asks if the girls are out to their friends, and Tara talks about posting it on Instagram.

Nick is clearly grappling with how much of himself and his relationship with Charlie he is comfortable putting out there. I think it’s interesting that the conversation is happening in the school gym, a location typically known for heteronormative relationships in sports.

Nick takes Tara up on her invitation to join her and Darcy for lunch on the field. On the other side of the fence, we hear Harry bullying Tao: “Not having lunch with your boyfriend?” Meanwhile, enclosed in their own private bubble, Nick shares “I’m not really out, yet” and “I don’t even know what my sexuality is” while chatting with them. Darcy and Tara accept him for who he is, regardless of labels. Again, it’s interesting that this is happening on a sport field, another spot typical for reinforcing heteronormativity. Darcy suggests a double date and Nick agrees, saying, “I like milkshakes.”

In front of the door to the orchestra room, Darcy encourages Nick not to come out if he’s not ready. Nick asks Tara if she’s sure she’s gay or if she might be bi. Tara says kissing Nick was one of the things that convinced her she didn’t like kissing boys. As they stand outside in front of an open door, Nick reveals they are the first people he’s told about Charlie. Nick is starting to open his own door and come out a little bit more. Tara asks him if it feels good. He smiles. “Yeah, it really does.” AND WE ALL MELT.

Charlie is on his bed, lit up by the sun, waiting for Nick to come ‘round. Tori appears in the doorway and seems to know what’s up, even though Charlie can’t admit anything to her. On the floor, the boys are studying and Nick lets Charlie know that he has told Tara and Darcy that they are dating. Charlie’s bedroom has changed for Nick from a space of confusion to refuge to safety.

As Nick leaves, he tells Charlie about the proposed milkshake date and Charlie eagerly agrees. Nick opens the door, leaving it for Charlie to close. He looks back and waves goodbye before turning around and walking away. This time, there is just nice, bright sunlight as the door stays open.

First to appear at the milkshake cafe are Tao and Elle. They are being their silly authentic selves out in the fresh air, but not at all open about their feelings for each other. And neither knows about Nick and Charlie, yet. The six friends sit under a tent and chat while having their milkshakes. Tao suggests having a second round. Nick and Charlie leave first to get the shakes. Charlie asks Nick out on a proper date (sometime) and immediately takes it back. It is as if the fresh air has pumped up Charlie’s courage for a split second. Luckily, he is with Nick, who thinks it’s a lovely idea.

When Tao goes to help get the second round, Elle finds out her friends have been plotting without her consent to try to set her and Tao up. She is upset about this because she doesn’t want anything else to change. Nick and Charlie return to the table while Tao waits for the last two and Elle finds out that Nick and Charlie are together. It is worth noting that they are under the tent (the relationship is still a secret to all but these five) while Tao is out in “dark,” alone.

In the gym, Nick sits with Charlie at his drum kit. They are bathed in a beam of light. Nick says he’s been researching bisexuality and he thinks that might be him. Does Charlie’s drum kit have a protective force field around it? Maybe so.

Meanwhile, Tara has run out of the room to escape the persistent homophobia surrounding her. She retreats to the secret (make out) instrument closet and Darcy follows, forgetting to leave the door open. Tara didn’t realize how differently she’d be treated after she came out and “just wants to live her life.” Darcy insists they can do that. In the meantime, Nick, Charlie, Elle, and Tao have been running from door to door looking for them.

As they all run back to the concert, Tara and Darcy hold hands. Nick reaches out for Charlie’s hand and Charlie grabs it just as they pass a brightly lit window. Elle follows, waving encouragingly at Tao who lags behind. Tara and Darcy are leading the way, modeling one way of being out, and Nick and Charlie are following in their footsteps.

#heartstopper #meta #doorways #jela rambles #yes I will dissect this show into a zillion pieces of confetti

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