#I seriously considered making them even worse but ultimately I couldn’t commit to writing that much drama

[findmeabowlofundertale]

PART 4

FINALLY

I got stuck about a third of the way through. This one is also very long. I’m just straight up writing a fic or something now ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But I figure, if no one’s reading these, why feel self-conscious?? Galaxy brain moment. Besides I’ll probably edit this when it isn’t almost midnight, anyway.

Here is the previous part, and here is the next part

- - - -

The last thing she had expected was to receive a call from the Royal Scientist.

Had she considered contacting him in the weeks since their long conversation at the coffee shop? Sure. Not seriously considered it… but it had crossed her mind. At no point, however, had it crossed her mind that he might actually call her.

She was nervous to pick up the phone.

She almost didn’t, actually, but then two thoughts occurred to her: I probably shouldn’t ignore a call from one of the most important people in the underground, and, Wait, how is he even going to talk to me over the phone if he signs?

Curiosity got the better of her.

She put on her best professional voice.

“Hello, this is Asteri. How can I help you?”

Nailed it.

“U-Um, hi!”

That was not the same voice that had laughed and, just once, said “ah,” while sitting across a box of donuts from her six weeks ago. This voice was decidedly more feminine.

“S-Sorry to bother you! He can’t— I-I mean, the doctor, he can’t really, um, talk on the phone? So I’m, um. H-He asked me? And I-I really don’t think this is necessary, I-I’m so sorry, I’m sure y-you’re really busy—”

“I’m sorry, who is this?”

“O-Oh, my god, right, I’m sorry! I-I’m Alphys, D-Dr. Gaster’s int— um. A-Assistant.”

Ah. No wonder he had been so patient with her own stammering and nervousness back at the coffee shop, if this was what his assistant was like.

“Hello, Alphys. Why don’t you take a deep breath and start over?”

The person at the other end did so. “Okay. R-Right. Dr. Gaster wanted to call you, b— No, I am saying it like that, you did!”

Asteri raised an eyebrow as the voice on the phone seemed to address someone else for a moment.

S-Sorry about that. So, he wanted to call you, but he only really y-you know… signs? So I’m, um! Calling i-instead.”

“Right. I understand that part. Why did he want to call me?”

Alphys’ voice seemed to get quieter, like she was holding a hand over the phone. Asteri only caught parts of what she said. “No, i-it isn’t a—! …ot really need to…. and bother her about…” Finally, there was sound on the other end, presumably of Alphys holding the phone back up to her head, and a sigh. “W-We… found some human stuff, and th-the writing isn’t in English at all— S-Sorry, it’s possibly not in English. Dr. Gaster is, um, r-really interested in it, and said he knew a l-linguist wh-who might also be interested?”

It sounded like she was relaying this, as if she were reading it… or someone were signing to her as she spoke.

“Tell her wh—? Oh…” Alphys sounded more hesitant than before. “H-He says he thinks it m-might be a… new. C-Cipher.”

Asteri’s eye widened. She just went from mildly interested but hesitant, to invested. Too invested to hear the way Dr. Gaster’s assistant sounded strangely guilty. How kind of the doctor to think of her! “Where?”

“W-We’re at the, um, th-the dump in—“

Yep, she knew where that was. “Got it. I’ll be right there!”

Oh, okay! B—”

Asteri was too excited to feel bad for hanging up like that. The dump was a great place to find records of written language, both old and modern. There were sometimes other languages, too, but she didn’t have enough of any of them to even begin to translate. There were enough monster languages to keep her busy anyway. But a skeleton finding something and saying it was a cipher font? That warranted her attention. He had seemed hesitant to speak at length about ciphers, but there was definitely more than what he had told her. She hadn’t been about to pry, just grateful for what he had been willing to share, but now? An opportunity to discover something new related to that, alongside someone with that kind of knowledge? There was no way she would pass that up. Especially not since Dr. Gaster had remembered her work and interest in the subject, and was considerate enough as another scholar to call her and let her know about this discovery.

She pulled her boots on, grabbed her bag, and took off. The dump wasn’t too far from where she lived, only about a 15 minute walk. Or an eight minute run, apparently. Skidding around the corner, her tail flicked out automatically to balance her. Up ahead, standing near one of the larger waterfalls, was Dr. Gaster, whose eyes somehow looked even more sunken than before, alongside a yellow lizard monster who looked almost comically short beside him. The skeleton perked up upon catching sight of her and waved. The lizard monster, Alphys presumably, waved awkwardly from behind him. Asteri suddenly remembered the extremely awkward way she and the doctor had parted ways last time and found herself dreading what it would take to recover from that.

“Dr. Gaster,” she greeted as she approached. “It’s good to see you again. I—”

She had looked up at him then, ready to construct whatever apology was appropriate for someone of his standing, but found herself cut short by the sheer warmth of the way he was looking at her. Like he was genuinely happy to see her again, instead of just sharing a discovery with a fellow academic. His eyelights even had that pale green glow again. It threw her off enough for her to completely lose her train of thought.

He didn’t miss a beat. “Ms. Asteri! I am so relieved you could join us. My assistant, she found the most fascinating thing!” He turned to address the monster beside him. “Ah!” There was that verbal sound again. “Introductions, of course. Ms. Asteri, this is my assistant, Alphys. Alphys, this is Ms. Asteri.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Asteri said, nodding her head in a slight bow, her habit since her wings tended to be a bit large for handshakes, and summoning hands for a quick gesture like that was often more trouble than it was worth.

To her surprise however, Alphys mirrored the gesture without seeming to give it a second thought. “Hajim— UH! Y-Yeah, y-you too!”The poor monster’s face went red. Asteri figured it was from mixing up her words, and paid it no mind. “I’m r-really just an intern, though… I’m still in college.”

Looking at her again, Asteri realized she did seem rather young. Poor thing.

“Nonsense, Alphys!” Dr. Gaster signed emphatically. “You are my brilliant and trusted assistant! If I were in charge, you would have graduated already.”

Alphys looked flustered and covered her face. Asteri smiled. That was sweet. He clearly cared about the people he worked with. One more thing she hadn’t expected from someone of both his position and his age. But she needed to focus; she was sure he wasn’t here to socialize.

“So, what did you find?”

The doctor somehow grinned even wider and pulled a piece of plastic out of his bag to hand to Asteri. “Look!”

She took the plastic— a case of some kind— and looked it over. On the front was clearly writing, but not in any language— or font— that she was familiar with. On the back was more of the same writing, but it was smaller and less colorful. That already gave her a bad feeling that this wasn’t a font of its own. She looked up in time to see Dr. Gaster finish signing something to Alphys about showing something else. The shorter monster approached her nervously, face still red, and handed over a fairly thick book. On the cover, two humans(?) with short-ish hair and huge eyes held each other in an embrace that, frankly, didn’t seem sustainable without falling over. She flipped through it. It was filled mostly with drawings, but the text that was there looked similar to the text on the back of the plastic case. It seemed to represent what was being spoken by the characters, so dialogue, which certainly lent itself to the idea of a cipher.

“What do you think?”

Asteri looked up at the man before her. He may as well have been bouncing from foot to foot with all the excited energy coming off of him. “Well, it’s hard to say. I would have assumed a different language, but with what you shared with me previously… you may be right.”

“Some of these symbols remind me of Runes of the Dragon,” he informed her, stepping closer to point to one of the more complex looking symbols. “But they look much more complicated than other parts of the text. Perhaps it is two different ciphers? I wonder why humans would write a book in such code though. Unless— No, no, that would be ridiculous. Never mind.”

She had a bad feeling about getting his hopes up. “W-Well, remember,” she said carefully, “it might not be a cipher.”

He deflated slightly, but kept his poise. “Right. Yes, of course. In either case, I… thought you would be interested.”

“Oh, well, I appreciate it, but I don’t usually work with other human languages—”

If his face had fallen any further, any faster, it might have slid right off his skull. Asteri found herself scrambling to backpedal.

“—Sssssince I don’t usually have enough material! But th-this is a lot to work with! So it will be a lot of fun to work on, whether or not it’s a cipher.”

That seemed to help bring his smile back. (Why was she so concerned about it anyway?) But he seemed much less at ease than that first time they had spoken. Well, that was none of her business. “I’m glad to hear that!” He glanced over his shoulder, then back. “I am going to see if I can find any other items with this text. They may help in deciphering this. Why don’t you speak to Alphys? She seems familiar with these items, perhaps she has some insights.”

“I’ll do that, thank you.”

He seemed to linger with her just a moment longer than necessary, like he was expecting her to say more, but she didn’t. She made her way over to where Alphys had wandered, and Dr. Gaster meandered elsewhere, seeming distracted. Strange, Asteri thought, but then corrected herself. She could hardly call it strange, she didn’t even know the man, really. Whatever odd behaviors he had, those were his business. And surely any monster would have a few idiosyncrasies after at least two centuries. Gah, she needed to focus on her work.

“Alphys—” She had barely spoken the other monster’s name, and Alphys about had a heart attack.

“M-Ms. Asteri! Haha… You scared me. S-Sorry.”

Jumpy, this one. Poor girl. Maybe she could put her more at ease somehow. “Please, just Asteri is fine. I’m hardly more deserving of an honorific than you are. Though, if you’d prefer “Ms. Alphys…””

“N-No! Uh. No, thank you. Just A-Alphys is fine.”

Several long seconds passed before Asteri decided she ought to give the scientist a bit of a nudge. “Dr. Gaster said you’re familiar with these human books and items? Is there anything you’ve noticed, any patterns? Anything that might help us decipher the text?”

Alphys fidgeted anxiously for a moment, eyes flickering between the ground, her hands, and Asteri. At last, she took a deep breath, glanced over to check where Dr. Gaster was, and then shuffled closer. “O-Okay, I-I-I have to admit s-something.”

Asteri raised an eyebrow.

“This is-isn’t a cipher. It’s… It’s a human language,” she sighed, sounding far too guilty. “It’s called Japanese. O-Or, um, nihongo. I-I, um, like to collect this kind of stuff, that’s how I know. There’s these um, these sh-shows, called anime, a-and actually they’re really interesting b-because they deal with a lot of u-uncommon tropes compared to most human media? Like there’s this one, and th-there’s these clothes that are actually aliens—“

“Alphys…”

The lizard monster’s mouth clicked shut. “I-I’m sorry,” she squeaked.

Asteri sighed softly, and not unkindly. “It’s fine. Really. It sounds… sort of interesting. I’d be happy to listen later. But I need you to focus right now.”

“R-Right. Right! Okay! S-So, anime. The audio, it’s in Japanese. It’s its own language. I’ve heard it, a-and it’s nothing like a cipher. B-But, um, Dr. Gaster saw one of my DVD cases a-and I guess it really, um, threw him off? That he wasn’t familiar with the text? B-Because the first thing he did w-was ask where I found it, so I told him the dump in Waterfall, of course. The next thing I know, we’re headed here a-and he’s talking about you again, and I’m thinking oh gosh, this isn’t even a f-font thing, but I can’t tell him that—”

“Hold on, hold on. Back up.” Asteri paused. “Actually, first, I’m sorry for interrupting you a second time. That was rude. But what do you mean, talking about me again?”

Alphys went pale. “Did- Did I say that?” She laughed nervously. “N-Nooo, um, it’s not like, uh! Eheh… N-Not like in a- in a creepy way!” Asteri just stared at her, waiting for an explanation. Alphys sighed. “L-Look, um, ever since he got back to the lab a few weeks ago, all he’s talked about is ‘the n-nice monster he met who asked him about fonts,’ and what- what a nice time he had. And, y-y’know, w-we asked him about it, because gosh, it’s not like he really, um, gets out much? At. At all. Even the people who have worked with him way longer could tell you, h-he pretty much lives at the lab. So it’s, um, nice to know he actually had a, um, a-a conversation. Not about engineering. W-With like, a real person, who doesn’t work with us.”

At this, she started to blush a little. “O-Okay, and you- you know how it is at work! Y-You like, kinda tease each other? Right? S-So, um! We, you know. K-Kinda. Gave him a hard time. M-Mostly the others! Not me! I-I mean I did a little, but like not very much, I didn’t get weird about it!”

Where was this going?

“A-And so finally, he tried to get us— th-them!— to stop by saying that y-you guys um, exchanged numbers. S-So you were going to. Call him? A-And then when your schedules lined up, y-you’d go, um. Talk. Again.” Alphys smiled nervously. “B-But, um. You… didn’t. W-Which is fine! I-I’m sure you’re busy! B-But he was just, really sure you would. S-So he kept making me check that his phone was working. And it was, of course. But, well, um. He. Got… anxious? I think? So everyone kept telling him to just call if he was that worried, b-but he wouldn’t, he kept saying you were p-probably really busy. P-Plus, like, I mean, I get it, I hate making calls too. S-So all of this has been going on for- for a couple weeks. And then he saw m-my anime DVD, a-and… yeah.”

Asteri blinked several times, a pit forming in her stomach. So used to dealing with the niceties (like exchanging contact information) of her peers and seniors in academia, and the transparently false but necessary pleasantries (like saying that you really should meet up again soon), it had never occurred to her that it was entirely sincere when he said those things. All this time he had actually been waiting for her to call. He genuinely wanted to talk again, but assumed she was too busy to call, so as soon as he saw something that might possibly be relevant to her work or interest her…

“Oh my god,” she whispered, mostly to herself. “I messed up.”

And now she had to break the news to him that it wasn’t a cipher at all. Or even remotely related to her work. She wasn’t going to make Alphys do that, this wasn’t her fault. Asteri wouldn’t have wanted to correct her boss over that kind of misunderstanding either, were she in Alphys’ position.

“N-No, no, it’s not you!” Alphys hurried to reassure her, not having been privy to her thoughts. “I-I should have told him, I, um…!”

“No, it was definitely me,” Asteri sighed, dragging the edge of her wing down her face. She shuffled forward a bit more, looking to make sure that Dr. Gaster was still preoccupied, then lowered her voice and addressed Alphys again. “I- Okay, I’m not used to dealing with anyone particularly genuine. Most of the other scholars I talk to either don’t especially care about my work, or aren’t interested enough to seek me out on their own. Which is fine, it kind of goes both ways. We meet up in groups every year or so, sometimes a few times a year, exchange or update contact information, refer each other to researchers in related fields, and so on. Occasionally we’ll send some emails back and forth about something relevant to our work. But nobody really makes friends, okay?”

She knew she sounded frustrated, and hoped Alphys understood that it was directed inwardly, not at her.

“So I happen to run into the man I’ve been debating emailing for weeks, manage to not only get him to answer a few questions, but sit down and have an hours-long conversation with me! It was great! Way more than I hoped. It wraps up, he offers his phone number, and to me it’s—“ She groaned. “It was the same song and dance. That’s what I thought, anyway! I didn’t realize he actually expected me to contact him! I haven’t been busy, I assumed there was no chance in hell that the ROYAL SCIENTIST was going to want me to call him up for a chat!”

By now her tail was flicking back and forth in agitation, the magic of her wings flickering slightly and fraying at the edges for the same reason. She summoned hands just to rake them through her hair and then bury her face in them.

“Alphys. Be honest. How badly did I screw over my chances of being on good terms with the Royal Scientist?”

The lizard monster had been doing her very best to hold in a slight smile. Knowing Dr. Gaster made Asteri’s worries seem far less serious, but obviously the older woman was distressed. “N-Not at all, I don’t think! He- He’s really understanding. Um, I’ve made a lot— a lot— of mistakes, but he’s really patient! I-I’m sure he’ll understand if you explain.”

Asteri peeked through her fingers. “You really think so?”

“Yeah! You seem like- like a really kind person, Asteri! Don’t worry about it! Dr. Gaster is r-really nice. H-He won’t be mad, I promise.”

“I won’t be mad about what?”

They both yelped at the blue hands that suddenly manifested near them. A few yards away, Dr. Gaster was sloshing through the water toward them, a troubled expression on his face. Asteri wanted to melt into the water and slither away. It wasn’t ideal since it would mean abandoning her clothes, but it also wouldn’t be the first time she’d used that exact method to escape an uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately, this just wasn’t one she could justify escaping from.

“What happened? Is something wrong?”

Asteri tried not to hunch in on herself, and refused to let her magic shift her into something better at hiding. “N-No, nothing is wrong. I just, um…” Meet his eyes, Asteri. She let out a heavy breath. “There’s just a misunderstanding I’d like to clear up. Maybe…” She glanced at Alphys, then back to the doctor. “Maybe we could sit at my house, and I could explain over some sea tea. I don’t live far.”

Dr. Gaster and Alphys exchanged looks (worried and reassuring, respectively), before he agreed with a nod. “Alright… If it isn’t any trouble.”

“None at all. Follow me.”

The walk was uncomfortable. Asteri weighed down by the misunderstanding and the fact that the text had nothing to do with fonts, Gaster troubled by whatever no one was telling him, and Alphys stuck in the middle.

“Alphys,” Gaster signed anxiously as they followed Asteri from behind, a few minutes into the trip. “Have I done something to upset her?”

“N-No, no!” Alphys whispered back, trying to sound reassuring. “I-It’s nothing.”

“Are you certain? She seems… different than before. Perhaps it was a bad time.” He strangled a noise of dismay in his throat. “She was probably busy! I knew I should not have called!”

“S-Sir, with all due respect, calling her w-was absolutely the right decision.”

He didn’t seem convinced, and let himself slouch forward with a despondent sigh. “Oh Alphys, you don’t have to side with me just because I’m your boss. Be honest. She looked very upset.”

“W-Well, she… she was, but—“

“I knew it!”

“Sir, that wasn’t—“

“This is why I have no social life, Alphys! I’m too overbearing!”

“Doctor, p-please.”

He swiveled his head to her, looking far more forlorn than a skeleton with a mostly-fixed smile ought to be able to. It was the big glassy eyes, Alphys decided. How did he even do that? He didn’t even have actual eyes. She sighed.

“Sir, she’s not upset at you.”

He paused, standing a little straighter. “She… isn’t?”

Alphys sighed. “No.”

“Almost there,” came Asteri’s voice as they rounded a corner. “If you go into the kitchen, we can use fire magic to dry off. Then, uh. Just sit wherever is comfortable. Kitchen table, living room…”

It wasn’t like she hadn’t heard Alphys whispering. She hadn’t caught what was being said, but Alphys and Dr. Gaster were clearly talking about something. Oh well. It couldn’t get much more awkward than it already was anyway.

After they got to her home, dried off, and sat down at the kitchen table, she heated the kettle for tea and sat down with them to wait for it. This was going to be so, so uncomfortable. Might as well get it over with. She took a deep breath and looked first to Alphys, who gave a nervous but reassuring smile and thumbs-up. Then she turned to the skeleton across from her and took a deep breath.

“Dr. Gaster. About… the text.”

His eyes widened and he bent over to reach into his bag, blue hands blinking into existence in the air to sign for him as he did so. “Oh, yes! I found a few more instances! Here, I’m sure that more examples will help with deciphering it.”

He sat back up and set another two DVD cases and half of a now dry but previously waterlogged manga onto the table. He looked far too hopeful. Asteri’s tail twitched guiltily. She shifted her wings to let the magic rub together, not unlike someone wringing their hands. Better to just tell him and get him over with.

“Look, this—” Another sigh. She just couldn’t bring herself to crush him like that. She tried again, tone softer. “Doctor. I really appreciate you going through the trouble to find these.”

He brightened. That was worse.

“It was… so kind of you to think of my work and call me.”

His smile faltered a little.

“But this text, it… Well, it isn’t…”

It faltered a lot.

Asteri mustered the courage to look him in the eye again. “It… It isn’t a cipher. It’s some other human language.”

He wasn’t smiling at all anymore. Not genuinely.

“Here, on this case—“ She pointed with her tail to part of the title on the DVD case he had first handed her. “These symbols right here, on the front, are the same as the ones here—“ She flipped it over to point to a specific place. “—on the back. The ones on the front are just written with a rounder, more colorful… font.”

She winced at that, knowing it was probably a slap in the face to point out the fonts like that, but there was really no way around it. Sure enough, he looked even more crestfallen than earlier. She wanted to say something more, but the kettle whistling forced her out of her seat.

“You said she wasn’t upset with me,” Gaster signed hollowly, once Asteri’s back was turned.

Alphys was much better at understanding sign language than using it, but she could sign, albeit much more slowly than her superior. But this was in too close of quarters for her to whisper. “She’s not!”

Gaster turned his head sharply to look at her. “She just told me I wasted her time, and pointed out that this is clearly written in two different fonts!”

Alphys gave him an exasperated look and tried to remember how to sign what she wanted to get across. “She thanked… you… for thinking … of her—“

“To be polite!”

“She… isn’t upset… with… you.”

“No, I’m sure she thinks me a fool. How in the underground did I miss that it’s two different fonts?! I’m a skeleton!”

“You… haven’t… slept… in days.”

Gaster scoffed silently. “I took a nap…”

“Yesterday.”

“Sorry for the wait.”

Both scientists looked up in time to see Asteri turn around with a cup in each of… her now three tails. No, it was still one tail, but she had split it into three prehensile ends.

“It won’t be cold, since I just made it, but I put ice cubes in there…”

Alphys was quick to latch onto literally anything other than comforting her boss. “Th-That’s fine, thank you!” She took a sip once it was set in front of her.

“Yes, thank you.”

Asteri returned to her seat and sipped her own tea, if only to escape the discomfort of continuing the conversation for a few more seconds. Dr. Gaster had to be disappointed he had wasted his time. And now she was about to make it worse.

“Um. There’s one other thing.”

Dr. Gaster’s eyelights flitted over to Alphys for a split second, surrounded by just the faintest glow of violet.

Asteri rubbed the back of her neck— it was attached to her head for the time being— and looked away. “I… feel like you’re going to be upset, even though Alphys said otherwise, and it would be completely understandable. But you deserve to know the truth.”

He looked to Alphys again, panicked. She quickly signed, “It’s okay!” Then, after a beat, “I think.”

He wasn’t reassured.

“The last month and a half… I have not been particularly busy. Not too busy to make a phone call, anyway.”

Silence. Stillness.

“I… ugh, where do I begin? When I meet with other scholars…”

“I’ll save you the trouble, Ms. Asteri.”

She looked up as soon as she saw hand movement. “I’m sorry?”

“I’ll save you the trouble of explaining.” Dr. Gaster’s smile was forced, maintained only so as not to make his host feel guiltier than she clearly already did. Somehow, the shadows under his eye sockets looked even darker. “You do not need to cushion it. I apologize for troubling you. You need not spend any more time on this. Thank you for being honest with me.” He stood, then, and gestured for Alphys to do the same. “You do not need to apologize for not wanting to call, I understand. Please forgive this old skeleton for overstepping the boundary you meant to set. Thank you for the tea. We will take our leave, now. You have a sharp mind; I wish you well on your future endeavors.” He turned. “Alphys?”

“W-Wait,” the lizard monster protested weakly. “I-I-I don’t think…”

Asteri, who had only grown increasingly mortified at the misunderstanding as he had gone on, finally snapped out of her frozen horror and rushed to clarify. “Wait, no! No, no, no, hold on! That’s- That’s not what I meant at all!”

Dr. Gaster turned back to her, unsure, but waited for her to continue.

“I’m absolutely interested in talking more with you!” she blurted, thinking it best to be clear now, then try to save face later. His eyes widened. “I didn’t call because when I talk to my colleagues, the- the unspoken understanding when we say that we’ll be in contact is that we won’t actually contact each other unless something important enough to share is discovered, and even that’s just with peers! Senior researchers?? Y-You don’t contact them unless it’s something BIG! When you said to call you, I didn’t think… you actually… meant… it.“

Her voice grew smaller and smaller as she trailed off. It sounded so stupid to actually say to him. He frowned. Her chest clenched. She couldn’t keep looking at his face, so she just looked at his hands.

“I said I wanted to hear more about your work.”

“I-I know.”

“I asked that you call me.”

“I know.”

“…Multiple times.”

She winced. “I… Yeah. I know.”

A pause. Then: “Ms. Asteri, please look at me.”

She looked up. He… wasn’t mad. If anything, he just looked confused, and a little sad. Her stomach settled slightly.

“I’m not angry with you,” he clarified, just in case. “I just… don’t understand how what I said could have been misunderstood…”

“That’s entirely my fault,” Asteri sighed. “I’m not used to people being genuine. Especially about their interest in my work. And with your… your position, I thought…”

“My position?” The man looked genuinely puzzled. She actually laughed a little.

“Well, yeah. I wasn’t about to just, call up the Royal Scientist to ask if he wants to chitchat! With me of all people!”

Dr. Gaster frowned, still confused. “Why not?”

Her mouth opened, then clicked shut. There wasn’t exactly a good answer to that, was there? “You’re like, super important,” she offered weakly, eyes flicking away again. “You run the CORE, and maintain the phone and internet networks, and… probably a bunch of other important things. Why would you make time to talk to me? I happened to catch you at a good time, before, but I don’t actually have anything helpful to offer. Everyone knows you keep to yourself, so—“

“That is because I have no social skills,” he interrupted.

She almost snorted at the doctor’s deadpan self-awareness. Alphys actually did snort.

“And is companionship, is pleasant conversation not something important to offer?”

Asteri smiled a little, for a second, but it slipped away with a regretful sigh. “I’m sorry, Dr. Gaster.”

He picked up the smile that had fallen from her face. The one he offered her was hopeful, reassuring— and it stuck this time. “I am not upset, Ms. Asteri.”

She looked back up. “No?”

“No.”

“I-I told you!” Alphys whispered to Asteri, who smiled.

Dr. Gaster hesitated, looking almost bashful, before signing again “Am I correct in understanding that you… did enjoy my company, then?”

She blew an almost-laugh through her nose, relieved the tension had mostly passed. “Yes, you’re correct.”

The next question was even more tentative. “And you didn’t call because the current culture in your branch of academia is… no contact unless necessary?”

Bluish green magic collected into a slight blush across her cheeks. “Y-Yes, but I would have called if- if I’d realized you were being sincere.”

“That is… a weight off my mind, I must admit.”

“I‘m sorry for the whole misunderstanding.”

“Really, it’s alright. I am just glad I did not overstep any boundaries.”

Alphys breathed a sigh of relief as Dr. Gaster returned to his seat. “Oh th-thank god. I-If this hadn’t gotten cleared up, it w-would’ve been so awkward all the way back to the lab.”

Asteri slumped back into her chair as the tension bled out of her and wrapped her wings around herself, grabbing her tea with her tail— now back to one single appendage. “I would have had to leave the world’s most anxious voicemail.”

“Heh.” That got a chuckle out of Dr. Gaster, apparently.

“S-So are you guys going to, um, h-hang out now?” Alphys asked, a bit too eager. She had her phone out, Asteri noticed with both amusement and concern, like she was waiting to text someone.

Asteri turned back to the man across from her. “Well, Doctor? Are we?”

Apparently skeletons blushed pink. “If you are not opposed to the idea… I would certainly enjoy hearing more about your work.”

She grinned. “I believe we just established that I’m not opposed.”

“Right, yes. Sorry. I have not slept… well. Lately.”

“You haven’t slept at all, sir,” Alphys chimed in without looking up from where she was rapidly typing on her phone. Dr. Gaster made a noise of mild offense and raised his hands to respond, but she cut him off. “The nap from yesterday doesn’t count.”

Asteri jerked forward. “You haven’t slept? In that long‽”

“Oh…” He smiled crookedly, eyes beginning to droop. “You use interrobangs. How delightful. I haven’t seen one of those in ages…”

Alphys looked up from her phone. The two women exchanged a look.

“Is this a common occurrence?”

“O-Oh, yeah. If he doesn’t, um, have coffee, he starts to crash after a while.”

“Is he even going to make it back to New Home?”

The hand wiggle from Alphys wasn’t particularly reassuring. “We, uh, might have to get him some coffee. B-But I’m sure he’d be fine!”

With a sigh, Asteri stood and addressed each of them individually. “Alphys, I’m going to need your help. Dr. Gaster… consider this the first step in our friendship.”

His eyes opened slightly. “Hmm…?”

“You’re sleeping on my couch.”

- - - -

NOTES

Yeah so this was actually going to be longer but it was so long already. But the good news is that I’m working on part 5 already.

As you can see I’m a “sea tea is cold” truther. Also, hopefully I managed to get across some things about signing, which are that being able to move your hands that quickly can be hard if you’re out of practice (or didn’t practice much to begin with), even if you know the signs; and facial expression is super important. Asteri interpreting Gaster’s comments about her not calling him as flat and judgmental has a lot to do with the fact that she’s avoiding his face, only looking at his hands. Some things don’t translate directly back and forth in sign language, so some of Gaster’s speech patterns are the result of context and how he’s signing. I’m gonna do more research too.

#nothing better for fiction than poor communication skills #I seriously considered making them even worse but ultimately I couldn’t commit to writing that much drama #and ultimately who cares this is for my own enjoyment first and foremost #So my pacing is horrendous sue me. #so the tone shifts too abruptly #what are you gonna do about it? #anyway #interrobangs are just the beginning #Asteri backstory #⁂ fic #seeker oc #asteri #gaster #⁂ gaster #alphys #long post #seeker writes #⁂

[marshvlovestv]

Eric in the Pod Room - An impassioned defense of a man at his worst

Big tw for discussions of suicide, suicidal ideation, and mental illness, and lots of me projecting my own issues onto a terrible fictional character

I’m in a really bad place mentally right now and I’m immersing myself in a Zero Escape Let’s Play series to distract myself from it. It definitely isn’t the healthiest thing for me to be hyperfixated on right now - the series has a chummy relationship with the concept of suicide, after all, and suicidal thoughts are my worst symptom at the moment. But you know what, it’s twisted, but I’m so dangerously comfortable with my own suicidality at this point that the themes of suicide in Zero Escape almost feel warm and welcoming, to the point where I’d even consider them a factor in why I am so obsessed with the series.

I was working on a larger meta, which most of this post is an excerpt from, about the many suicides from Zero Time Dilemma specifically - none of them influenced by Radical-6, all of them with some interesting psychological analysis to be done concerning them. But the Let’s Players have reached the Pod Room, the puzzle that seems to singlehandedly give players the most reason to hate my favorite character. They turned out to be no exception, and they spent the length of the puzzle going on and on about how they despise Eric. I got really tense and upset and thought, “You know what? Forget about Diana, Carlos, and Delta. I can talk about them later. All I want to do right now is come to Eric’s defense. I want to talk about my boy.”

Like, I get it, you know? The first time I saw the Pod Room, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Eric, either. He bullies Sean, he actively refuses to be of any help in solving the puzzle, he makes lewd comments about Mira (and for the record, the problem I have with this is the fact that he says these things around a child, not the comments themselves; people should be allowed to experience and express sexual attraction and that is a hill I will die on). After the puzzle itself, we learn about Eric’s deepest trauma and after that I see people either feel bad for hating him and begin to sympathize with him fully, or go, “Yeah, that sucks for him, but it still doesn’t forgive a damn thing. He’s the worst and I hate him and I hate this game for making him exist.” I am firmly in the first camp, if you couldn’t tell.

Lest we forget: This is the route at the end of which Eric commits suicide. A murder-suicide, granted, but still. He takes his own life. The Pod Room is the start of Eric’s descent into rock bottom and I just... can’t hate him for that, especially not when I recognize some of myself in him. I have never killed another person (I promise); I don’t have homicidal thoughts. I don’t know personally what would compel someone to commit a murder-suicide and I don’t even want to speculate. But his homicidal tendencies aside, Eric and his suicidality have always spoken to me personally.

I’ve done plenty of analysis of Eric in the past under the lens of personality disorders, and my most general conclusions are that he suffers from PTSD, dependent personality disorder, and possibly borderline personality disorder as well. Suicidality is highly correlated with all three of those disorders, and as such I find it highly unlikely that his decision to kill himself in this route is a spontaneous one. If he is anything like me, when he isn’t actively, imminently suicidal, he probably still spends a lot of time imagining worst-case scenarios in which suicide would be a no-brainer. For me, my worst-case scenarios often involve the loss of my parents; they are my Safe People, people around whom my AvPD symptoms are less extreme and my behavior is less inhibited, and I seriously fear for my ability to function without them in my life. Sufferers of many different personality disorders have “special people” like this in some way or another. DPD and BPD have, respectively, Depended People and Favorite People, the objects of the sufferer’s attachment. Mira clearly fulfills both of these roles in Eric’s life, and lots of his worst-case scenarios must involve the loss of her.

Before her death is even confirmed, we can see how much he struggles to function without her there in the puzzle room. I read Eric’s behavior in the Pod Room as him flailing in the absence of his special person. The Let’s Players I’m watching have even made derisive comments about how he doesn’t even know how to be a person, and I’m sitting here like, yeah. You’re right. He doesn’t know how to be a person, not right now. His identity and self-worth are tied to a person who has disappeared under mysterious and stressful circumstances; without her, he feels useless and helpless, which is why he’s overwhelmed by something as simple as a sliding block puzzle. Without her, he loses his grip on his self-control, which is why he has no filter to stop him from saying inappropriate things and why can’t stop his worse impulses to mistreat people. I’m not trying to say that anything he does in the Pod Room is right, but there is a reasonable explanation for why he acts the way he does.

And then, they find Mira’s body. One of Eric’s worst-case scenarios has come true, and in the process he has lost not only the person most important to him but the very sense of self that said person helped him feel. It’s just as bad as he always imagined, and even worse, she was killed in exactly the same way his brother was, triggering a PTSD flashback. His trauma is further compounded by being shown graphic video of Junpei and Akane’s deaths (and later just being shown their dismembered bodies in person).The devastation he must be feeling in this moment is beyond what I can even comprehend and I fully understand why he snaps.

Again, I don’t want to speculate as to why his mind goes “revenge first, suicide second” and why he kills people he could be reasonably sure are innocent. All I can say for sure is that, when he does ultimately kill himself, it’s not out of guilt and it’s not out of fear of consequences. His last words are promising Mira that he’ll be with her soon. The suicide is about her. It was always about her. It’s not just that he’ll miss her; he genuinely cannot picture a life for himself where she is not a part of it, at least not a good one.

(Quick sidenote here to talk about one other thing that Eric does in this route: shooting out the X-Pass authenticator. Once Mira’s body is found, six people have died, meaning that Eric, Sean, and Q are free to leave. But Eric shoots out the authentication device before this is possible. When this happened in the Let’s Play, the players called him an idiot for destroying his own means of escape, which really annoyed me. Here’s the thing: Eric is already actively suicidal at this point. He destroys his key to the outside world because he can no longer imagine a life for himself in the outside world. Shooting the authenticator was in itself an act of suicide, even though he wasn’t pulling the trigger on himself.)

All of this is not to say that Eric is okay in the true end and should be left to his own devices. He’s a man in pain, a man in constant crisis, and he’s in desperate need of intervention to prevent him from harming himself or others. I like him and Mira together and she will likely always be a special (Depended, Favorite) person to him, but he can’t and shouldn’t rely on his relationship with her to keep his head above water and keep him from acting the way he did in the Pod Room. Eric needs professional help; but call me optimistic, I think that learning from Sean about how he acted on the other routes, what it looks like when he is truly at rock bottom, might inspire him to seek that help.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant, I hope it was interesting at least. I’m going to go refill my medications and schedule an appointment with my therapist because, as fun and cathartic as this was to write, it’s definitely not healthy to get this riled up over fictional characters; plus, I can’t rightly advocate for a fictional character to get help when I’m not taking care of myself, can I?

#zero escape #zero time dilemma #eric ztd #suicide #suicide tw #don't worry about me btw i'll be fine #i know this gets really personal but feel free to like rb interact whatever #i'm not shy about this stuff

[cat-scarr]

Ben Is Too Good For His Own Good

Aka a "cinnamon roll", if you will. Yes, I'm writing an essay on this. 

So it's nothing new that Ben has this "second chances" philosophy, but that is indicative of the possibility that he would let himself be in damaging relationships in hopes that the other person would change or improve. 

There have been various instances of Ben kind of just brushing off being treated poorly. I wouldn't say that this makes him a push over or anything like that, but I never see any of these things being pointed out. They're just kind of laughed off.

Just the other day, in fact, I had someone privately DM me saying that they don't believe Ben ever had any trauma or side effects from his lifestyle, even questioning “what nightmares” I was even referring to. 

On top of that, it's a very common thing in this fandom to state things like "the girls deserved better than Ben." I'll always be of the opinion that Ben is the one that deserved better, and I have plenty (logical) reasons why, but that’s besides the point. 

Even though Ben is so forgiving and cooperative, giving everyone a second chance to change, it just doesn't sit right with me that we should just be okay with some of the horrible things that are being justified here. That doesn't mean you should hate these characters. I mean, Ben clearly doesn't. But it honestly says more about him than any of them. 

It says a lot to me when I see Ben seeing the best in someone, even when they've done horrible things in the past or are in the midst of doing something bad to him. 

One example, which I keep bringing up on this blog, is the episode "Vilgax Must Croak." Besides everything else that Vilgax had done to him in the past, in addition to throughout the episode up until this point, Ben was still shown believing that Vilgax could have tried to save him by jumping in front of Ben to shield him from a (seemingly extremely destructive) blast from Attea. 

Things like this also explain why I don’t support shipping Ben with Attea, but that’s besides the point too...

Of course, even if he did save Ben by doing this, Vilgax was only manipulating the situation to make it look like he was trying to save Ben when he was really taking the chance to break himself free of the handcuffs. 

But, even so, this seems to mean that Ben believes that Vilgax does have it in him to do something good. Ben was admittedly shocked by what had happened at first, but by the next scene where he turns back to human, he's got his guard down enough for Vilgax to take advantage of the situation again and shoot him in the back. Because, please realize, if Vilgax didn’t “save” him, he wouldn’t be able to shoot him in the back. 

But anyway, in conclusion, as the title states, he's too good for his own good. 

The next unfair circumstance which displays the same thing happens in the episode "No Honor Among Bros." I am aware that the following is uncharacteristic of Rook and had only happened because Rook was under the influence of a substance, so I want to acknowledge that, but I am mostly focusing on Ben's actions here.

Ben and Rook eventually are set up against each other in the tournament, and, besides the fact that Ben already doesn't want to fight anyone needlessly, as shown by his previous match against Malice where he was BEAT UP FOR THREE HOURS...

...he clearly holds back while fighting Rook in this match, too. 

The one time he actually hits Rook with a decent shot, which knocks Rook out temporarily, not only does he immediately go check on him to make sure he's not badly hurt, but also turns back to human, leaving him somewhat more vulnerable then he would be as Upchuck. 

This seems to mean that he trusted Rook wouldn't take that chance to hit him right back. And unnecessarily hard too, at that. 

This knocks Ben down, making him lose the fight. The important thing to take away from this is that, regardless if he just chalked it up to Rook not being himself, he still didn't seem to hold it against him, besides just being slightly annoyed. 

So, basically, he got his ass beat multiple times only because he was holding back for the other person's sake. He's too good for his own good. 

Then there's also Kevin and Tetrax. Both are former "criminals", albeit for different reasons, and Ben still had it in him to befriend both of them. This is probably due to the fact that they've built trust over time, and fought evil together to protect others, including each other. 

I don't like to look past the fact that Kevin, while admittedly not entirely in control of his powers at the time, has tried to kill Ben on multiple occasions. But, like I said, Ben has grown to trust him and they have each other's back, so there’s no need to really expand on those two all that much. 

Then there's the sad story of Elena. 

You could argue that the reason it's difficult for me to look past Elena's “mistakes” is because she was given little to no chances to redeem herself. And perhaps there is some truth to that. 

However, there has been a scene which seems to be what is considered "redeeming" - when she attempts to sacrifice herself to save Ben. 

And while Ben himself seemed extremely moved by this at the time, clearly not holding any hard feelings towards what she had just done to him throughout "Revenge of the Swarm", I can't say that I feel the same. 

I can't say that I feel the same because Ben's life would not even be in danger at this point if she didn't attempt to suffocate him. Should I see her as a “hero” for saving Ben from herself? 

Especially when it’s evident that she had enough self control to attempt to commit suicide, but somehow not enough to not attempt to kill Ben again once she realized that her suicide attempt failed. 

Ben: “Elena! They’ve been controlling you! You’ve got to fight them!”

Elena: “They’re not controlling me, they are me! And I am them!”

Another thing about her predicament that I don't understand is whether or not her choices are voluntary. The other characters say outwardly that "the chips are controlling her", while she, in response, claims that they are not controlling her and instead, that they "are her." 

Elena: “They give me what I want! They fulfil my deepest desires! Even the ones I don’t know I have!”

She also claims that the chips want what she wants, and because they “are her” they give her the ability to get everything she might want. By that logic, she would want everything that had happened up until this point, which is crazy and inexcusable. 

If she is the chips, implying there is no other Elena inside that is the “true” Elena, and she genuinely wants to do things like stalk Ben and attempt to kill him, then I don’t see a way to excuse or justify that.  

But then, in the midst of choking Ben to death, Julie tells her that she couldn't seriously want Ben to die, which Elena responds to seemingly confused or unsure for the first time, and only states it must be what she wants, before claiming that she really did care about Ben. 

I’m sure Ben would agree that she could still be redeemed at this point. He would probably still agree she could be redeemed after all that I’m about to go over as well.

And, while this is evident since he did state the following, believing, once again, that there is still good in someone who had done horrible things:

Ben: “There was enough of my friend left to save my life.”

She still came back to make the situation worse instead of taking the chance to redeem herself. 

Unfortunately, unlike I suggested earlier, and instead of leaving it at that after surviving her suicide attempt and traumatizing everyone in the process, she returns in "The Perfect Girlfriend" impersonating Julie, being the cause of Gwen suffering a pretty significant injury, and, let’s not forget, attempting to kill Ben once again. 

It’s even worse that she chose to do so at such a vulnerable point in Ben and Julie’s relationship, considering that they had been arguing lately, even in the beginning of that very episode. I’ve actually had someone claim that this episode proves that Ben’s idea of the “perfect” girlfriend is someone who does everything he says and may as well have no individual personality. And, because someone I think is credible enough to speak on Ben’s behalf believes that to some extent, it just shows me that it’s possible many other people in this fandom might believe the same thing.

To me, it simply seemed as if he believed that his relationship with his girlfriend was finally improving, which is a good thing. It doesn’t seem all that unreasonable for him to not question why they were suddenly getting along much more than before. Why would anyone question their relationship with their significant other going well, especially after going through a rough patch? 

Regardless, after realizing the reason why this was the case, he must have also felt horrible about not noticing sooner, which sucks. He’d be seen as a jerk for questioning why his girlfriend was being so nice to him had he done so, but he’d be seen as a jerk for not noticing that it wasn’t really her all this time anyway.

I hate to keep flaming her, but Elena chose to put him in that position since the chips allow her to fulfil “all her deepest desires”, apparently. Because that's what you do to someone you "love." 

While Elena's story wasn't continued past Ultimate Alien, the Ben 10: Omniverse comic "Parallel Paradox" did attempt to tie up loose ends. 

Before I continue, I have to state that the comics are not technically "canon.” However they are official source material and therefore should be accurate to canon. So, for clarity, and for those who haven't read this comic, Elena here is basically presented as if she is voluntarily a criminal. She's apparently stealing tech for money, working for some other higher level bad guy, and clearly has a grudge against Ben after what had happened. 

I’ll provide the relevant pages below, but Elena states that Ben was “rude” to her the last time they saw each other...when, in the moment she is reffering to, she had impersonated her way into Ben’s living room and had the nerve to get into an argument with him when she was clearly in the wrong. 

But Ben himself wasn’t even being rude to her in that particular scene, either. He was trying to explain why what she was doing was wrong. He only resorted to using the Ultimatrix once Elena resorted to violence herself.

At the end of "Parallel Paradox", it's revealed that Ben feels like Elena hates him, despite all that she's done to him. Which is interesting, since it doesn't seem to me like he's done anything to her to give her a reason to hate him. Not even supposedly being “rude.” It seems like it should be the other way around, really. 

I know that I wouldn't hesitate considering filing a restraining order against someone who stalked me, attacked my friends, kidnapped my significant other, lied to me, and then attempted to kill me twice. 

But Ben? No, AFTER ALL THAT...he actually wants to help her and wishes she didn't hate him for no reason. 

Or maybe she doesn't have a grudge against him for what he did do, but rather what he didn't do, in her view. The irony is that Ben clearly would do anything he could to help her, she just isn't accepting that help. She just wants what she wants and will stop at nothing to get what she wants. 

She seems to constantly be putting the blame on everyone but herself. And the first step to changing for the better starts with changing oneself by changing old habits and actively working to do better. It's even more sad that she doesn't seem to realize just how much faith Ben does have in her, despite the horrific stuff in Ultimate Alien. 

If she really loved him, she shouldn't let him down. But at this point, I don't know if that's the case anymore. 

Anyway, at the end of the day, what astounds me the most is that Ben isn't mad at her. I mean, he should at least have serious trust issues by now! It really puts things into perspective and explains why there even is an alternate future where a pairing like Benkai can happen. 

If someone like Kevin, who hated Ben as a kid and actively tried to kill him, can become his best friend, and if someone like Elena can also get away with causing so much unnecessary harm to Ben without so much as a displeased glance, why wouldn't he give a girl who just likes to bully and pick on him another chance? 

I still don't believe he deserves that, but I fear that is it is extremely likely, even if it comes from a good place.

And because he gives everyone 764845786448578 chances. 

#so if you agree with the point I'm making here about Ben #why would you think that he deserves to be shipped with characters who don't treat him like he treats them? #namely girls like Attea or Elena...or Kai... #or FistRook lol #I say lol but it infuriates me everytime I watch that scene where he remorslessly beats Ben's ass #all of these characters have beat his ass and he's still out here believing in the good in people #like...sorry Benpai I'm different #but I need to point this out even though it's obvious #justice 4 Benpai #ben 10 #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 omniverse #ben tennyson #vilgax #rook blonko #fistrook #attea ben 10 #elena validus #kevin levin #tetrax ben 10 #kai green #julie yamamoto #essay files

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 26: AMJ #2.2

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

It’s a little pointless giving you context for this post. We are picking up where we left off last time so simply read the prior instalment.

On the next page we get into yet more problems. MJ states to ‘Cage’ (whom she refers to as ‘Quentin’) that the potential investors see them as a major risk.  She comments that it’s better for them to find the right  investor who believes in the project, as opposed to what ‘Cage’ did before. Namely, lying about the project in order to attain funding.

MJ is then taken aback when Beck proceeds to drop the Cage McKnight façade and reveal himself as Mysterio on the street. As Mysterio he unleashes some of his trademark smoke upon which he projects huge images of MJ and Spidey villains (presumably from the film) on the attack. This sends people scattering in fear believing the villains are on a rampage. People abandon their cars, run in the streets and on the roads, car horns honk away.

Mysterio rants that he couldn’t stand selling his film to ‘philistines’. However, he hoped that they would understand/appreciate it once they saw it. Once they saw what they’d accomplished, the success it’d be, the awards it’d win, etc.

MJ approaches a sad looking Beck and tries to empathise with him. Specifically she deduces that Beck (at least on some level) hoped that in seeing his life on screen that they’d forgive him. This acknowledgement prompts Beck to reveal his real face.

These pages are a double-edged sword.

For starters, they contradict issue #1. There Beck’s given reasons for making the movie had nothing to do with earning forgiveness. He wanted to do right by a woman he felt he wronged, and to make something good for the world at large.

However, they once again demonstrates MJ’s people skills and their ability to reign Beck in. She’s talked him around to obtaining money less dishonestly than before (but still not actually honestly). She’s able to make him halt his tantrum and avoid scaring or harming people. And she’s established more trust between them, which in theory will make keeping him in check easier.

It also is wonderfully on point characterization for Beck himself. It displays a vulnerability and sadness within him. It plays him as what he’s always been, an artist craving attention and to be understood. The duality of this is played well in the scene. His words play him up as sad and sympathetic (from a certain point of view). But his actions make him less sympathetic, much like a child he’s throwing a tantrum because he can’t appropriately deal with his feelings and wants attention.

It’s genuinely magnificent Mysterio writing, a beautiful microcosm of his character.

So again, Williams proves she can deliver great characterization. But she’s also once more doing it within a crappy context.

The whole scene is confusing and incredibly damning MJ’s character and motivations.

In addition to pretending to be McKnight, Beck also  pitched a different movie from the one he was actually making..

This is baffling. Neither Nick Spencer’s issues setting up this mini-series and AMJ #1 absolutely didn’t put forward that idea. Those issues made it clear that this was always a Mysterio biopic and was always going to be sympathetic towards him. The only contradiction to that idea was at the end of AMJ #1 when MJ spoke to Peter (see part 6).

Is Williams implying that the later is what Beck also pitched to the investors? It’s really not clear. None of this is clear in fact.

Are we to presume Beck is now pitching the movie as he actually intends to make it?

If so why not just lie again?

Maybe it’s because MJ is encouraging him to be honest but she  might’ve been lying about it to Peter last issue. And even if she wasn’t, she was complicit in the deceit of the original investors. It wasn’t as though she was telling them what the actual movie was like.

If MJ was encouraging Beck to be more honest about the movie, isn’t that aggressively hypocritical considering she’s not encouraging him to stop using Cage McKnight’s identity!

It’s all a big mess!

Playing Devil’s Advocate, let’s say the intention was something more simple. Maybe the lies Williams was referring to was simply about Beck pretending to be McKnight. But that doesn’t quite make sense. Even if the movie was got more funding that deception would remain the same.

No matter what interpretation you pick it doesn’t add up. And either way, it further proves MJ is complicit in Beck’s crimes and is being a royal hypocrite. She’s even trying to help him commit more of the same crimes, just to a lesser degree  than he had before.

On top of the damage already wrought to McKnight’s reputation, he’s now someone who’s actively sold studios on one movie and delivered another one. An extremely controversial and difficult to sell one at that. Imagine if a director promised investors ‘The Dark Knight’ but delivered 2019’s ‘Joker’ instead. They’d lose their goddam minds!

And for this, this extremely risky artistic vision by a terrible person, Mary Jane is risking the lives and livelihoods of herself and other civilians.*

Unless they’ve explicitly consented to it, no film is worth someone being seriously injured.

More importantly the scene should be a deal breaker for Mary Jane’s trust of Beck.

So far he’s assaulted one of his staff. He’s flipped over a table. He’s been arguably verbally abusive to someone. And now caused a serious public disturbance.

He’s just terrorised people right in front of her for no reason other than he was sad and angry.

He’s potentially caused people to be injured as they run away.

He’s potentially caused vulnerable people to have anxiety, panic or even heart attacks.**

He’s potentially caused people to abandon their vehicles or other property. This leaves them vulnerable to any carjacker, any one who might run into a building and steal from it.

And all because he having a tantrum.

Does this convince Mary Jane that Beck is too dangerous to be left unchecked? That there is no reason to believe he couldn’t have another, maybe even worse, tantrum later?

Does it convince her that at best she can hope to minimize any harm he might cause? That she should contact the authorities to hopefully mitigate or at least further  minimize any more damage he might cause?

No.

It causes her to connect with him even more.

What the fuck is this characterization?

To make matters worse Beck’s dialogue clearly reveals how the project wasn’t altruistic. It’s a total vanity project. He’s doing this in the hopes that his movie will be so award winning that people will forgive him for his crimes. Call me nuts but wouldn’t apologising to/ helping his victims or their loved ones be a more useful or sincere effort to attain forgiveness?

Wouldn’t MJ feel that way too? She began to forgive herself for her past sins when she helped her sister in ASM #292

And her lover has (at least arguably) spent his life helping others to balance the scales for his indirect  role in his uncle’s death.

Yet here, MJ feels sympathy for a man trying to earn forgiveness by making others see how sympathetic he  is? A man who ha unapologetically victimized people, including herself, her friends and family. A man who is actively victimizing an innocent man right now by wearing his face. A man who is terrifying people right in front of MJ because he’s throwing a tantrum.

Shit like this is why all the good work Williams does ultimately doesn’t matter. This is character assassinating stuff.

On a side note by the way, I like the acknowledgment of Doc Ock’s return. It’s the first time it was acknowledged since the end of Superior Spider-Man volume 2.

Moving on, MJ gently informs Beck that he’s scaring people. He reveals no one can see him (addressing why dropping his guise was no big deal). MJ snorts and prompts him to dial it back a bit. She argues that they’d want to avoid spoilers. Beck agrees and claims that the disturbance will be rationalized as a flash mob once the smoke clears.

MJ confirms that the reason the investors pulled the money was specifically because ‘McKnight’ was delivering a different product to the one pitched. See above for my comments on that mess. As they get into their car MJ also speculates that ‘Cage’s’ abrupt personality change scared them away too.

For the most part this page is just more of the same. We do get a hint though that MJ is knowingly playing Beck, as her comments about ‘spoilers’ can be read as an attempt to slyly protect people.

Nevertheless, it makes matters worse in several ways.

For starters we see a woman practically falling out of her chair in response to Beck’s illusions. Even if she wasn’t physically hurt there is no guarantee there aren’t similar or worse instances of that going on. It’s a tiny concern next to more serious injuries, but it exemplifies how more serious injuries are a very real possibility where Beck is concerned.

But MJ doesn’t seem to care too much. She’s even snorting in the scene implying she finds something funny.

Weirdly Williams’ dialogue tries to addresses why outside observers of the incident wouldn’t get suspicious. This is stupid because what about the eye-witnesses? What about security cameras?

There is no reason at all the incident would just be hand waved as an ambitious street performance. Even if it were it misses the more essential point that Beck potentially caused physical or mental harm to civilians!

Also, we get explicit acknowledgment that Beck’s disguise is negatively impacting the real McKnight’s reputation. Beck is such a douchebag he doesn’t even consider this possibility.

But that’s nothing next to what happens on the following pages.

MJ shows Beck a news video depicting his assault of the crewmember from issue #1. The title even acknowledges this is abuse. She follows up by mentioning that the real Cage used to have a reputation for being calm and quiet. They arrive at an auto and body and MJ proceeds to give ‘Cage’ a makeover.

Giving him her sunglasses she ‘rebrands’ Cage to be more in line with his ‘new personality’. Rather than a meek cinephile nerd, MJ declares him a Hollywood bad boy. An eccentric genius who runs hot. An auteur who won’t compromise his artistic vision.

Beck gets into the spirit of things causing MJ to giggle smile with delight.

This is yet another double-edged sword situation.

On a conceptual level, MJ and Beck ‘playing’ together through their mutual knowledge/love of acting is an interesting, even organic, idea. Or it would be if MJ had little idea of who Beck was or what he’d done.

Furthermore, MJ using her acting, social and fashion skills in this way is a stroke of genius. She is in a sense creating a façade for Beck, much the same way she formed one for herself for so many years.

It’s exemplary of Williams’ ability to accentuate realistic strengths of a normal person who lacks fantastical abilities. In other words it’s a brilliant way of framing MJ kind of like a super hero without her actually being one.

Stuff like this is a proof of concept for how an ongoing MJ solo-title absolutely could work creatively.

For that Williams should be commended.

But alas, she should be condemned because of that oh so pesky context again.

It was bad enough that MJ was simply allowing Beck to joyride McKnight’s life. It was bad enough that has resulted in him being depicted as abusive in the news, of being emotionally unstable.

But now MJ  is actively  interfering herself.

Does Mary Jane simply doesn’t care much about Cage McKnight’s reputation? Or does she/Leah Williams have some kind of long-game plan to ensure all damage done to Cage’s reputation? If so, then you know a little hint of that  would be nice. You know, just to make sure MJ doesn’t come off as selfish or stupidly out of character.

I mean honestly. Mary Jane has all this sympathy for a goddam murderous criminal, but none for an innocent man’s career and reputation?

Who the FUCK is Mary Jane to play with another person’s identity, their reputation, their career, like this?

The real McKnight hasn’t given her his consent to do that. He doesn’t even know her! 

It is especially damning when we consider MJ’s own acting career. For years she struggled against unfair labels and assumptions born from her looks and modelling career.

Mary Jane isn’t even rebranding McKnight for the greater good. This doesn’t protect innocent people or their property or herself or Peter.

In fact it does the opposite as it makes it easier  for Beck to impersonate McKnight. To those who knew him only by reputation or merely as an acquaintance, MJ has just helped make his abrupt personality change more believable. She’s just made it harder for anyone to become suspicious of McKnight and therefore to bring Beck to justice.

This is immensely illegal to say the least. But at least MJ is having some fun  whilst she uses someone’s identity as a dress up doll.

It also doesn’t really make sense given Beck’s skills as an actor. In ASM v5 #25 Kindred himself accuses Beck of going ‘method’.

I’m not suggesting Beck had to go method for McKnight. But is he really so incompetent as to have not considered that his behaviour would raise suspicions? Would he really have not accounted for those inevitable suspicions? Would it really take someone else  to think of that?

I will remind you, this guy figured out how to fool Daredevil, the guy who has an in-built lie-detector as a super power!

Alright, maybe he didn’t have all that much time to prepare to become McKnight. But there is no indication of that in the story. And even if there was it doesn’t address why he wouldn’t realise his behaviour would arouse suspicion.

Finally, I should also mention that Gomez is on fire on this page. He utterly nails  MJ’s personality.

Anyway, MJ takes Mysterio to their last shot at getting cash for the movie. The investor isn’t all that wealthy but he is a film buff. Once again MJ and ‘McKnight’ are juxtaposed as she is open and social, whilst he’s once again aggressive.

The investor is sceptical because he sees the project as lacking ‘art’. This prompts ‘Cage’ to go into a passionate speech about the nature of art. This convinces the investor who gives them a quarter of what they had before. ‘McKnight’ begins to argue but MJ grips his neck to keep him under control.

Once more MJ’s strengths are on display here.

Once more Gomez’s art makes her shine.

Once more Williams displays some of the greatest Mysterio writing of all time!

And once more this is toxic to MJ’s characterization because she just helped con this man out of his money and possibly endanger both his business and his life.

She can’t be sure Beck’s ‘passion’ won’t somehow turn dangerous (as it did mere pages ago) and be directed at this man. She can’t be sure that the reputation of Cage McKnight wasn’t a factor in this man’s investment. She can’t be sure she can keep Beck under control. Notice how she just used physical contact to reign him in, an escalation from her words and charm.

She can’t be sure of a lot of things, but I guess the risk is worth it because Beck would just be that  sad if he didn’t make his movie.

Later, Noah returns the equipment to the film set whilst MJ and Beck chat about being an indie film. MJ says she feels good about the project. It’s nice that she feels happy about conning an innocent person. It’s nice she feels good about continuing to be complicit in several crimes. It’s nice she’s buddying around with the man who nearly killed her lover less than a few months ago.

They are so chummy in fact that Mary Jane sings ‘McKnight’s praises to Mallorie.

Whilst trying to find Ken (the actor cat as Mysterio), they discover he’s leaving the movie. With less funding he’s breaking contract, but is nice enough to offer ‘McKnight’ a place at a rehab centre. This is yet more proof of how Beck has damaged McKnight’s reputation, now he’s considered to be on drugs.

‘McKnight’ is distraught over losing their lead but MJ suggests he simply play Mysterio.

Do I even need to explain this one?

Mary Jane is actively interfering with McKnight’s reputation and career again! There is no evidence that McKnight was ever an actor. Even if Mysterio pulls it off it will be an expectation the real McKnight might have to deal with later in his career. And that’s if the audience accepts his performance at all.

Once again, she has no right to do any of this with someone else’s identity.

On the next page MJ refers to Cage as a megastar. This again muddies the waters from the last issue as Cage’s indie status shouldn’t make him a megastar of anything.

Mallorie encourages ‘Cage’. She comments that since since he isn’t really Quentin Beck this is hardly a vanity reel. With MJ’s help Beck agrees and thanks MJ for believing in him.

They then hear a crash and scream and discover it’s Vulture’s Savage Six. They’ve attacked the set and crew, prompting Kangaroo  to retaliate. Vulture threatens to kill the actor playing him before spotting McKnight.

Mallorie’s dialogue is rather ambiguous. It’s not clear if she (or anyone other than MJ) are aware that ‘McKnight’ is really Beck. That is certainly not the impression I got. Accepting that interpretation, Williams’ attempt at irony here is too blunt to work and further hurts her narrative.

It further confirms that  the movies is  a vanity project. This would mean that Williams is aware  Beck is actually being selfish, and thus that MJ is aware of that too. So why  is she writing MJ as so sympathetic towards Beck? Why is she pretending a vanity project like this is at all an opportunity for Beck to make amends?

Can Williams honestly not recognize that a criminal (a murderer no less) making a vanity project is not a legitimate means of making amends?

It’s a legitimate question because she’s further deepening MJ’s friendship with a guy who has tried to murder her lover multiple times!

And as for the Savage Six…I actually don’t have much to say about them.

Unless issue #3 makes a big reveal, they don’t seem to know Beck is McKnight. If that is the case, then they’d have attacked regardless so MJ can’t be blamed for that at all.

Really all I have to say is Kangaroo is way out of his league, especially since he’s going head-to-head with Rhino of all people.

With that we’ve completed issue #2 and the results are not good.

Williams continued and further exacerbated the problems she created in the first issue. That leaves me with little confidence that she has a master plan to sow everything up neatly in the future.

*And she was doing that in the hope the studios would accept getting a different movie from the one they asked for.

**You know, people similar to Aunt May!

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Master Post

#Leah Wlliams #Amazing Mary Jane #mjwatsonedit #mary jane watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #MJ Watson #Spider-Man #Mysterio #Quentin Beck #Peter Parker #Carlos Gomez

[tekka-dan]

I was informed of some disturbing news today regarding my best favorite boy Sasuke Uchiha and what his ultimate outcome will be in Borutrash.

Tumblr deleted my first initial rant, so I had to sit down and write it again. Not to fret though, re-writing has given me some clarity and all of you are going to witness my first hand unresolved, but subsiding, rage with the way Borutrash has handled Sasuke Uchiha’s character.

For anyone that’s new to my blog, content, posts: I am heavily against Boruto [as a character, manga, story, concept, anime] so if you’re a fan person of this series and you don’t like disputes or negative opinions your cue to dip is here.

You’ve been warned. Moving on.

Starting off, those of us who remember Sasuke Uchiha from the older days of Naruto [part 1] can easily summarize his character in one word: avenger. As the storyline progressed Sasuke became more than a so-called avenger and he started to gain some heavy handed, much needed, development. If you can recall that much, you would also recall that Sasuke was the “oppositional” character in the earlier days of Naruto. Meaning, Sasuke was the character that didn’t abide by rules, he did whatever he needed to advance but it was for his own sake and decision. He joined the academy to avenge his clan and become stronger to defeat his brother. When he meets Orochimaru that opportunity [to become stronger] arose and he took the bait (eventually—lets forget the part where he was kidnapped against his will, tortured and then kidnapped again).

So with all of that being addressed for his character, Sasuke choosing to follow under Orichimaru’s footsteps, this made Sasuke enter the “antagonistic” role. The reason this role was important for Sasuke [as a character] is because we are given context for his motives outside of the sunshine protagonist. Sasuke knew what his goals and ambitions were from the very beginning and also from the beginning he was being overshadowed by a bumbling fool that couldn’t even throw out milk on time. Sasuke didn’t have time for that, so he fucking bounced like the cool kid he absolutely was. Being on the “dark side” gave depth to this shallow story because once Itachi Uchiha made his appearance, and his role in the black ops and being a double agent was revealed — suddenly this sunshine village with its sunshine protagonist isn’t all sunshine.

Sasuke leaving the village was the best thing he ever did in this series and he is one of the four main characters that had a vision that he never got to achieve and questions he never got answers to. When Sasuke left the village, we are only in the mindset of him as a person and what he’s trying to achieve. We aren’t in Konoha village where the Will of Fire exists, where “I don’t believe in letting comrades die” comes into play — no, fuck all of that, we are simply inside Sasuke Uchiha’s mind and all Sasuke Uchiha thinks about is murdering Itachi for killing his clan and wanting to understand why Itachi would murder his clan in the first place. These are concerns far more prevalent than doing stupid ninja tasks or whatever the fuck Konoha participated in since all they seem to do is evoke war, genocide and havoc. Nothing seemingly important happened in this village up until Sasuke departed and suddenly everyone gives a fuck about saving the last Uchiha.

I seriously wonder what the Third Hokage was thinking. He (and Danzō) coaxed an actual child/teenager (Itachi) to slaughter his own clan in order to silence their people and then they are surprised when the surviving member of that clan flees the village.

Like Konoha is full of fucking dumbasses I swear. So that’s why I’m glad Sasuke did leave and it was eventually at his own free will. That also ties into my next point.

Sasuke represented oppression. His entire clan represented oppression. Them standing up against the Konoha System represented oppression. And it isn’t enough that every single member of them dies, it’s last member flees the village, and he goes on to save the same village that oppressed him to then become fodder and succumbing to pointless death in the continuation series?

Let me repeat that: Sasuke represented oppression. Now they are silencing him - and everyone that came before or after him - forever. Eternity. They expect Sarada to carry on the Uchiha genes but we aren’t remembering that she’s only half. We are forgetting that she [somehow] learned about the massacre from books in a library. She hasn’t learned anything from Sasuke or Sakura themselves. Why is that? Because they are trying to silence it forever.

This entire series feels like some massive “fuck you” propaganda because it doesn’t sit well to me. The character that represented oppression, stands up against the system as the last remaining member who can do so, he’s beat down without given a single answer to the questions he poses and then he’s forced to atone for sins he didn’t commit / shouldn’t be apologizing for to then go on to have an offspring he wasn’t ready for to then be killed off?

Is it not enough to just admit you wanted Sasuke Uchiha around for shipping bait and to ensure his uchiha bloodline succeeds him? Because that’s what it is.

They don’t give a single shit about his character and if Naruto didn’t spend 400 of 500+ episodes chasing him to reiterate Sasukes importance than guess where Sasuke would’ve died?

The same place Itachi would have.

Sasuke Uchiha and Itachi Uchiha would’ve both fought to the death, not a single brother would’ve walked away from that. And you know what? This would’ve been an honor to him as a person and as a character. Because up until he faces Itachi his only goal was to defeat his brother and learn why he did what he did. Itachi told him (albeit on his death bed) but I assure you they would’ve wrapped Sasuke Uchiha’s character up then and there and let him perish along with Itachi.

But they didn’t. Why? Because they needed Naruto to beat him into submission. They needed Naruto to remind the audience why Sasuke was considered an antagonist and why leaving the village is forbidden. They needed Naruto to brag about becoming hokage to preach about saving everyone, except the “everyone” excludes every single slaughtered and slain / deceased member of the Uchiha Clan, you know, the only people that ever truly mattered to Sasuke. Nah but it’s alright, sunshine protagonist Naruto needs Sasuke around to remind Sasuke that “he knows how he feels” and “believing in his word can make everything better”.

What makes matters worse about them killing Sasuke who represented oppression after they killed and degraded his character is that other characters who opposed the system were killed off long before their characters could be succeeded or milked.

Example 1: Yahiko / Pein.

Everyone knows what became of Pein and everyone is aware of the Yahiko that existed before the Pein. Everyone knows that Yahiko was the Naruto of his village, wanting to make a difference and have the world be a better place. Except, when the poor young sap tried to achieve this goal, he was killed tragically during an incident that was incredible miscommunication. Dying at the hands of his friend is what was supposed to make that moment less painful but it only sparked the rage in what became the Pein we all knew that destroyed Konoha.

Pein / Yahiko was the embodiment of oppression.

Everyone knows how that played out, I don’t need to repeat the entire chapter and how the questions Pein asked Naruto were never answered, rather he was given a mediocre bullshit half ass speech that made him surrender and sacrifice himself.

Example 2: Neji Hyuuga

Before Naruto’s dreams were drilled over and over into our heads, there was Neji who represented oppression in a literal sense, preaching it to his cousin during their battle and then to Naruto during theirs.

When Neji was killed off, people were upset because his character died for nothing without atoning for a single damn thing. Neji was born a slave and died a slave and we are supposed to believe (and be happy) that during death he was free.

Is this what people expect for these characters? That only in death can they find peace, freedom or happiness? What a pathetic and crippling message that presents.

You see the picture I am painting here? It’s not looking too good, is it? There’s a fucking pattern to it, that’s why. The only difference with Sasuke Uchiha is that his bloodline was extinct so they needed someone to carry it on. Pein (who was Nagato) is an Uzumaki so his bloodline continued. Neji is a Hyuuga and his bloodline continued. Sasuke is the only one who hadn’t and they couldn’t do away with his character until they had a certain someone he could procreate with, regardless if they had a lick of chemistry.

I’m not saying you can’t kill off characters from stories, sometimes characters do need to die, eventually they will anyway. However there are better ways to kill your characters and writing stories that don’t disregard their pasts or completely ravage their futures.

Sasuke’s entire history is being erased and everyone else who represents the same thing were also erased.

When Hinata speaks about Neji (if she does?) does she talk about the hierarchy and what it did to him and his father to her kids? No, because they want to forget about it, they are ashamed of it so they hide these facts.

When Naruto speaks to Boruto (if he does?) does he mention Nagato or even Jiraiya? Does he talk about his former sensei enduring a war, taking on an orphaned group of three and then having to return to their village being slain? Does he talk about the brutal systems the other villages carry on? Again, no. Because these are things they are ashamed of, they want to never have be mentioned or brought up again.

Those who don’t know their history are bound to repeat it, as the old saying goes.

What makes this worse for Sasukes character after death is that his reunion with his “family” feels cheap and downplayed. The only character trait they knew how to write for his character is to be distant and/or absent. Because of that Sasuke never “grew” on Sarada. I think that’s unfair as fuck to do to him, they already robbed him of everything else and even prior to death he can’t just simply be a fucking father.

How goddamn sad is that?

I gritted my teeth at Sasukes end in Naruto 699 but hearing the news about the current predictions / fate of his character has left me with unresolved despise for this series all over again.

It’s not enough that they keep taking everything from him, now he gets to die the same way he feels: empty..

First they killed his dream, then they killed his spirit and now they are killing his character.

#naruto #sasuke #sasuke uchiha #anti boruto

[holden-norgorov]

A seriously angry recap of all the things I hated in the finale.

Because I had to write down all the disappointment and outrage that I have inside, otherwise it will consume me until I die. I had to give vent to everything that disgusted me in a less-detatched, more personal way than the unemotional one my objective thoughts usually are expressed with. If you want to read highly pissed-off complaints for healing purposes, this is your post. 

Implying that discovering that your mother is also your step-sister is a more validating reason to commit murder than being yourself a victim of physical and psychological abuses for years during your childhood. Offensive, short-sighted, self-erasing. By suggesting that Wolfgang killed his father and uncle out of this revelation, the writers nullified the character’s self-worth, depth and integrity.

“I’m not worth it”. “Wolfgang, you are!” It turned out he wasn’t worth it at all because things didn’t change. Nobody had any kind of conversation and the result was that Kala was portrayed as happy staying in the loveless, unhealthy marriage she was already in and that Wolfgang kept being the “lover” who wasn’t worth being chosen. Rajan became suddenly so important that an entire two-seasonal storyline of the most epic love story of all time had to be thrown out of the window just to please him? Who the fuck cared about him? He was selfish and sexist for two seasons, and a lame, uninteresting character with no personality beyond being a kiss-ass.

Capheus being a clown for all the episode irritated the fuck out of me. He had always been particularly joyful, but 1) not at this ridiculous, over-the-top level, and especially 2) not under these circumstances. This is war. They are all risking their lives and could be found and killed in any seconds. He is risking his whole political career and has left all his loved ones home alone. One of his clustermates is imprisoned in a BPO facility and likely being tortured. This is possibly the worst you could get: this episode was not meant to feature lighthearted, careless people joking around and being idiotic. His behavior is completely inappropriate and disrespectful of the situation. Someone with a brain, in those circumstances, would have slapped him in the face. What the fuck.

Nomanita getting an entire scene exclusively used to provide a last-minute backstory capable of justifying Lana’s selfish decision of taking Paris from Kalagang and giving it to them out of nowhere and with no apparent reason. I am so mad about this, it almost seems deliberate from Lana. Paris was a turning point for Kalagang, a pivotal moment that represented their first and only chance in all the show to be finally happy and together. Nomanita already had it all. Nomanita have always been the healthiest, happiest couple. They could have married literally anywhere else and it would have changed nothing in their relationship, because they had already had 24 episodes of domestic and happy moments. Why Paris of all cities? This was an intentional betrayal to Kalagang fans and storyline.

Lito’s freak-out about the carbs is beyond any fucking comment. It vividly looks like they all are on camping, or taking a funny, enjoyable trip. The writers should be ashamed of themselves for cheapening such a beautiful show and such wonderful characters with stupid moments like this and so many others (such as: Nomi’s coffee moment, Wolfgang jokingly pointing the rocket launcher on Capheus, Rajan asking Kala to teach him to use a gun as if they were not in a dangerous, life-or-death situation but just having fun, Puck with Sun’s hair and so on: there are a lot).

Sun and Mun being OOC as fuck and acting as if they were old acquaintances was just ridiculous and forced to an exponential level. This is entirely the writers’ fault and has nothing to do with time constraints, because the writing was just cheap and the characters unrecognizable. They had only met twice before this phone call (and both times by mistake). Sun here was weirdly intimate and emotively open despite having been closed and guarded of her interiority for two seasons sometimes even with her other selves. Mun was the very definition of cringe. “I think those two words might have made getting shot worth it.” Give me a fucking break. Who are these people? And don’t even get me started on the inconsistency with the line “I am not very good with words” that goes directly against the very reason why Sun was interested in him in the first place (i.e. the passionate way he talked about her to her teacher and the cautious but accurate analysis he provided of her psychology while fighting in the graveyard). Here they were odd and extremely cliché to the point of contrasting with their very essence.

Capheus greeting Rajan in that way was so wrong and insulting both to attentive viewers and to all the people in this world unable to obtain proper medications for themselves or their loved ones. It disregarded and destroyed everything about Capheus’ character and almost made me vomit. Rajan embodied all the socially powerful people directly responsible for Shiro’s improved sickness that almost caused her death in S1. Rajan’s unethical business was the very reason why Capheus had to be involved with Silas Kabaka in the first place, resulting in all his S1 storyline that almost led him to his death. Do any of you remember Capheus and Kala’s expressions when Rajan revealed this? Both of them had never been so hurt and incredulous during all the show. Capheus’ blind forgiveness of someone who was the ultimate reason of one entire season of his suffering and fighting for survival left me utterly speechless and offended. The writers turned all of this into a joke, especially considering Capheus storyline in S2: he had decided to politically represent his country, his own people, exactly because of the injustices they had to face on a daily basis because of poverty and unfair hierarchy. Welcoming Rajan, the symbol of this hierarchy that basically made his whole life a living hell, in that way was incredibly unbelievable. I was seriously shocked by this.

Kala’s behavior when Rajan arrives in Paris can be explained only in two ways: a) either she was on drugs all the time, which means she was capable of making them using her knowledge as chemist and then taking them because she was so desperate for Wolfgang that she wanted to be high, or b) she was just under a love spell. These are the only explanations to the way she behaves here; in both cases, she clearly wasn’t herself. Logic, continuity and coherence were all non-existent. The facts: Kala had made promises to Wolfgang both in 2x10 and 2x11 and the only reason why she hadn’t explained things to Rajan yet was that he had shut her off and sent her away without giving her the opportunity to do so. But her mind was crystal-clear and she was finally ready (in fact, her entire storyline had been built in order to make her brave enough to finally make this decision). But in here, she betrayed every promise she had made to Wolfgang and basically became a lying coward, erasing all the character development she had been through. She acted as a bitch. This confrontation was unavoidable at this point. She let Rajan believe that the real problem in their marriage was her nature as a sensate, which actually has never been a source of conflict at all (she didn’t want to marry Rajan even before realizing what she was). I wanted to slap her for how she acted in this whole episode. She also really felt under a love spell because for 23 episodes she had never spontaneously kissed Rajan before out of sincere will. In 1x02, Rajan kissed her and she didn’t even return the kiss (the only reason why she didn’t break it was that they were at their engagement party and it would have been highly inappropriate); in 2x01 she kissed him out of pity and guilt because she felt responsible for breaking his dick and ruining their honeymoon. And that was it. So, witnessing her starting a kiss to a man she spent two seasons being uncomfortable with (especially physically) and feeling objectified by felt really wrong and unexpected and utterly unreasonable. She seriously looked like she was on drugs, I was in disbelief.

Aunt Kirsty overtaking a whole team of BPO soldiers supposedly using her unknown superpower ninja abilities was so ridiculous and cheap that it was like the writers themselves wanted to prove us that they could do everything they wanted and ruin all the show’s credibility as they pleased. Seriously what the fuck was that. Sense8 became a cartoon for kids and we didn’t know? God.

The complete lack of Wolfgang’s PTSD was absolutely unforgivable and unrealistic. We are talking about a man who spent all of his life building several walls to protect himself from the outside, trying to keep everyone at distance exactly because of the traumas he experienced since childhood that he couldn’t recover from. He has always been emotionally secretive and unavailable to everyone except Kala (and she took two seasons of serious efforts to make him finally open up and expose himself). He was tortured daily several times when he was under BPO’s captivity: he had and needed to show both physical and psychological scars in the aftermath. PTSD was a natural response that inevitably had to happen and be shown both for credibility and for a matter of character’s coherence and integrity. Wolfgang being rescued from this severely traumatizing condition and not showing the slightest consequence of it was beyond idiotic. And worse: from that moment he actually started acting more carefree and behaving in the exact opposite way than the one that should logically be expected from someone with his personality going through an experience like that. He started joking around and taking everything lightly and in a more emotionally invested way than he had ever done even before this imprisonment. It was like watching a fairy tale of stupid bullshit. What a fucking mess.

Rajan’s evident privileged treatment from the writers was so obvious and cheap that it ended up being nausea-inducing. He was literally everywhere and for no reason at all since he had no abilities. In the club, he is the only sapiens being close to the physical exchange. Why on this planet should this be safe or acceptable or even convenient since he is incapable of doing anything? Every other non-sensate was far away, even members of the Cluster such as Lito who could have been useful through sharing. Instead Rajan was on the front. Ok. And the idea that Wolfgang, a taciturn man who spent two seasons being jealous of Rajan, would spontaneously approach him and thank him for doing absolutely nothing is hilarious. Rajan didn’t save Wolfgang. Kala was the one who intervened to prevent Lila from shooting him. Rajan stepped in only to save Kala and was able to steal Lila’s gun just because she was already being attacked. And as soon as that happened, she took the gun back because Rajan obviously didn’t have a clue on what he was doing (which is acceptable, because he just wasn’t suitable for that situation: the mistake was including him there in the first place). Daniela herself had been previously shown to be comfortable in using a gun. Why not exposing her to the physical place of the exchange instead of Rajan? I seriously don’t get it. Which advantage could Rajan provide to the situation? The writers were so transparent. The same can be said with the Napoli’s scene. Rajan is the only sapiens entering the camorra building without any reason or combat skill. WHY. Not only he is untrained and incapable, but he also doesn’t even know the plan (Kala has to explain it to him while already inside and targeted by enemies!). It’s like they did everything in their power to include Rajan everywhere and let him be some kind of saver or hero that he clearly is not. The writing was insulting. Rajan mistakes a taser for a gun but then uses that same taser to save Kala’s life? How stupid do the writers think we are, exactly? Not to mention that Wolfgang being unable to treat Kala’s stomach wound was completely OOC, but then again, Kala and Wolfgang were both RAPED as characters in every way possible in this episode. Wolfgang was able to canonically treat a much worse wound when Felix was almost killed despite being in evident pain. This was all ridiculous. And what about Lila shooting Kala in the stomach? In this very episode she was able to shoot dead five people at a great distance without even trying when stealing Whispers. She was a hired gun, and here Kala was literally in front of her. Nothing in this scene makes the slightest sense, I swear.

The scene where Will asked where Sun was, as if he wasn’t able to mentally connect with her was absurd. And Nomi actually taking five minutes to visit her was just a cheap way for the Sun x Mun exchange to happen and was incoherent. “I found Sun” doesn’t make sense because they are telepathically connected and Nomi shouldn’t need to find her. Cheapness for everyone.

Kala spontaneously kissing Rajan again when she finally has the occasion to physically be with the love of her life after he was tortured and nearly killed is probably the most absurd and embarrassing moment I have ever seen in television. It’s beyond any rational comment at this point. I was about to throw something at my screen. And Wolfgang accepting this despite probably believing that Kala and Rajan had already talked things through was incoherent, unthinkable and hysterical. WHO-ARE-THESE-CHARACTERS. This moment destroyed me more than I can convey with words. It was a betrayal to two seasons of marvelous Kalagang growth and development. I could ramble about how much I hate this moment for pages, but I already wrote a post about it and it would be better for me not to stop too much on this because it literally broke my heart and enraged me more than anything else ever did. Kala and Wolfgang were entirely different characters.

Jonas and the Mother talking like walking encyclopedias contrast so heavily with the cheap writing of the episode that their scenes end up being really laughable and impossible to be taken seriously.

The song sequence was completely useless, pure fanservice garbage that stole real usable time that was very much needed since many storylines were left entirely open without justifications. The “What’s Up” moment in 1x04 became iconic because it conveyed a precise message that was the core of all the show, was a set up for everything that came after and had also the purpose to show the ability of each character to connect all together for the first time. Instead, the song sequence in this episode was obviously insert only because the first one really gained a huge success in the fandom and they simply wanted to reply it for fanservice purposes. But this was entirely pointless and the very definition of a waste of time. The characters felt very much like the actors themselves goofing around, and there were also completely avoidable coherence mistakes (Felix and Rajan on the train) that cheapened the already-compromised credibility of it all. The editing of all the episode was bad, especially in this scene.

Other time gets wasted showing characters eating pizza without a tie to the plot or anything at all. Were the writers deliberately trying to make the worst choices possible? They basically did everything wrong and handled the time horribly.

I already talked about the bullet scene, but Kala being able to visit Wolfgang while unconscious was another cheap mistake. I’m particularly angry because for 23 episodes Sense8 was able to be almost flawless in coherence, but this episode is just a giant mess. This moment is OOC and simply wrong on every aspect, and who wrote it surely must have been a stranger to the show.

The last half-hour of the Special is so weird. It’s like the writers suddenly forgot that the main characters are sensates. Will asking Kala what she wants was another ridiculous moment that was so incoherent with their scene in 2x08 that I seriously considered this to be an intentional way for the writers to let us know that they willingly fucked up with Kalagang. The main peculiarity of their interaction in 2x08 was that Will was able to read Kala’s emotions without asking and state out loud what she was afraid to admit to herself: that she loved someone else. Their interaction in 2x08 was based on clarifying that Kala was not suffering from a feeling indecision but a morality struggle, and that Will exactly knew what she wanted. Their moment in 2x12 disregards everything about it. Will acts like he doesn’t already know what she feels and asks her questions as if he couldn’t read her emotions, and Kala is supposed to show signs of romantic indecisiveness despite her troubles were never feelings-related? In 2x08 Kala couldn’t stop talking haphazardly (as she always does when concerned about something) and here she just silently shrugs? This moment is beyond laughable and goes against everything established before, and the characters are frankly unrecognizable.

It’s unbelievable the idea that two whole seasons of perfect Kalagang development led to a conclusion where Kala holds hands with Rajan and Wolfgang sits behind them as a complete stranger. It feels like a nightmare. I am homicidal about this. They really destroyed them, both as a couple and individual characters.

 Amanita clearly states in 1x07 that she is afraid of and hates fireworks because they symbolize war and are a failure. So why is she perfectly happy here when they are used during her own wedding? It wasn’t that hard not to be OOC. The writers really wanted to discredit the canon in every way, I’m incredulous.

The conclusive physical, actual orgy which includes also non-sensate characters sends a horrible message. First, it goes completely against the symbolical meaning of the previous orgies (which were meant to show the sensates’ ability to share sexual arousal every time someone in the Cluster was having actual sex; it was nothing physical or carnal but purely abstract and metaphorical). Second, it’s highly offensive to asexual people, because sex is conceived here as the highest expression of love and the only way to resolve untouched confrontations (instead of having actual conversations). Third, it provides sexual erasure to Lito (canonically gay), Nomi (canonically lesbian) and Kala (canonically demisexual). Fourth, it goes against the well-praised theme of inclusivity and diversity of the show because everyone at the end turns out to be the same (pansexual), thus erasing every single representation provided in the previous episodes. Fifth, it portrays an unfair and insulting view on how sexuality actually works. The idea of a man — whose entire storyline is built around the fact that he is completely, exclusively gay and couldn’t manage to even fake a relationship with a woman — willing to have sex out of the blue with someone of the opposite sex is gross and actually sick. Sexuality is highly intimate and personal: it’s not about open-mindedness, but about self-comfort. It’s disrespectful to think that a gay man would be okay to get laid with a woman, because he just is by nature not comfortable in that situation. I am a straight guy and I could never picture myself with another man, it would make me unhealthily uncomfortable with myself. This applies to everyone’s very own sexuality. The same can be said for Kala, who here is depicted as a promiscuous woman willing to share her body with the very same man who she couldn’t bring herself to feel comfortable with for two seasons. Kala was a very moral person described as demi-sexual and she could only be comfortable in a sexual scenario with Wolfgang because they are sensates and their level of trust and connection is unparalleled. If Wolfgang and Kala hadn’t been sensates inside each other’s heads and feelings, Kala would have never slept with him: she needed that kind of intimacy and closeness to open up sexually. The Kala who pulls Rajan down and gets almost hungry of being used as a sex object here is not the usual Kala from the first 23 episodes, it’s another character entirely who sends a conservative and sexist unacceptable message.

Wolfgang’s sudden bisexuality is not representation, nor something to be proud of: it’s just an offensive, out-of-nowhere twist created only for shock value. One of the first traits that we understand about him in the show is that in order to avoid opening up emotionally, he constantly sleeps around with women only. This is canonically confirmed in two occasions: first, in 1x04, when he and Felix talk about their teenager adventures, nothing is mentioned about them being open to relationships with other boys (and if Wolfgang had been bisexual, it would have surely been pointed out in this moment); second, in 2x01, we canonically see him picking up girls using a date-app which features women only. This highly indicates that he is not into men, because if he was, he wouldn’t hide it at all. Also, if he had really been sexually attracted to men, he would have surely fallen for Felix because of how close they are, and this didn’t happen. This is not to say that sexuality is permanent or unaffected by change. But if Wolfgang’s character arc had really been about a sexuality struggle, an appropriate path of self-discovery should have been shown and developed carefully. People just don’t wake up and decide to change sexual orientation out of the blue. These things require internal process and self-questioning. This sudden twist is a joke to people who really have to face a complex self-examination in order to understand whether their sexuality is changing or evolving.  

Wolfgang touching Rajan’s lips before kissing him is a slap on the face of Kalagang’s fans because that was THEIR intimate gesture, and theirs alone. 

Wolfgang and Rajan barely know each other. Wolfgang would NEVER perform that private gesture with anyone but Kala, and the idea that he would make love to her with her husband included is pure nuts. This was the ultimate bullshit from the writers who managed to annihilate everything about Kalagang. It’s almost as if Lana had personal reasons to sabotage them in every way possible, because the result is just too heavy-handed and transparent not to be intentional. I seriously hope that she didn’t feel the need to ruin them just because they are a straight couple, because that would make her discriminatory and petty as fuck. This moment was seriously unwatchable and unbearable. I don’t have the proper words to describe the utter disgust I really experienced.  

#sense8 #sense8 special #amor vincit omnia #i needed to give vent to my hurt feelings #and to expell some rage that is consuming me since june 8 #i'm grossed out #lana fucked up so hard I lost the respect I had towards her as a writer #this is beyond insanity #kalagang #anti rajalagang

[christinaroseandrews]

Part 5

*Crawls out of her weekend writing binge* What do you mean I haven’t finished with this yet?  *Cries* 

This is the last actual post where I sum up the most egregious offenses Faleena Hopkins committed, and then there will be a masterpost linking to all of the posts related to this travesty of a book.

There are a lot of little things that went wrong. Things that would have dropped stars on their own, but nothing I haven’t seen a million times before. Things like bad proofreading, weak heroes and heroines, bad sex scenes, lack of research. Ultimately if those had been the only problems with this book, it would have been rated two or three stars. Mediocre and unmemorable.  Not throw the book across the room worthy. 

This book is.

I’m still angry at it.

And that’s a problem.

So what are the things that on their own make this a one star?

For starters: Sean.

“Wait!” I hear you say, “But you liked Sean. He was your favorite character.” And he was. I’m not about to deny that, but the problem with Sean is several-fold.

His story arc of coming out to his family wasn’t relevant and is part of what made this book Not A Romance.

His POV wasn’t needed and again is part of what made this book Not A Romance.

His being gay was not handled well and featured some very hurtful stereotypes.

Once he was out in the book, his entire character changed. And he became sex-obsessed and attention-whoring. Gone was the empathetic generous man. He became Jack... only Gay. And we all know my feelings about Jack.

I’ll cover points one and two later when I get to the part about how this book wasn’t a romance. 

I wish Sean had been openly gay from the start. Not because we needed another hurtful stereotype of the “Sassy Gay Friend” which BTW we totally got. But because it would have been better than what we did have.  Which to refresh your memory, is this:

So why is this so wrong? Because it contains the following harmful implications:

Queer people must be either completely celibate or...

Queer people must fuck everything that lives.

Never being in love at the ripe old age of 23 is a problem.

Being a virgin at that same age is a problem.

Celibacy is unnatural and wrong.

The first is a huge problem. Currently in the Mormon community, this is the official stance. LBGT+ people must either choose to live a heterosexual life or be completely celibate... no kissing, hugging, or touching of anyone of the same sex. This is leading to a huge rise in Mormon LBGT+ youth in Utah committing suicide because they feel that their families and community won’t love and accept them. There was a whole documentary about it recently on HBO called “Believer.”

The second is a problem because it reinforces the stereotype that all homosexuals are raging sex fiends and unable to be in long term relationships. Or form long term bonds.  It’s one of the excuses used by adoption agencies when denying same-sex couples. And worse, it’s why those in the LBGT+ community were blamed for contracting HIV/AIDS and it was seen as divine retribution for the disease, which can affect anyone.

The third is an issue, because it unreasonably puts pressure on young people to hurry up and find love. Love, real love, not infatuation, can happen at any time. That’s part of how love works. I have friends who didn’t find their first love until they were in their thirties or forties. While I know others who found their someone when they were children (a friend met their now spouse when they were in nursery school - they grew up as friends and eventually fell in love). People should be allowed to look for love at their own pace and when they are ready. Not by some arbitrary due date.

The fourth is a huge issue because of the implication that virginity, especially male virginity, is a problem. This thought is one of many that leads to toxic masculinity and the culture where men are predators and women victims. It leads to young men and boys shooting up their schools and workplaces because they were rejected by a woman and couldn’t deal with the repercussions. This thought, that male virginity is bad, is deadly. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you’re ready to have sex. You don’t owe any partner anything. You don’t owe society anything. Male virgins can be awesome lovers.  I know. I’ve had two myself.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with celibacy. No one owes you sex. If someone doesn’t want to have sex, then they don’t have to. There are even some people out there who find the whole concept of sex off-putting and there is nothing wrong with that. There are victims of abuse who find sex triggering.  Celibacy can be a choice. And if if people are “involuntarily celibate” there is always something called masturbation, and in some places prostitution is legal. No one owes you sex, even if you want it. Period.

It’s really that easy.

The second reason this book would get one star is what is essentially plot-whiplash coupled with an unsatisfying ending. The antagonist doesn’t get his comeuppance and doesn’t actually apologize for what he did. In fact, Jack gets off scot-free because of plot whiplash.

There’s an art to telling a good story. You need to have a good hook early. The longer the story, the more concurrent plots you need juggle. And you need to have a good sense of pacing. Draw things out too long, and your readers will lose interest. Wrap things up too quickly and you leave your audience reeling.  Faleena Hopkins manages to do both. 

She drags out plots that have no reason being strung along for as long as they are. Things like Rue’s parentage.  You told us this in the summary, why does it take you over 6 chapters to get to it in the book?  Or Sean’s sexuality - which really shouldn’t have been central to the overall plot of the book yet somehow took it over (when it’s the last line of the book, that means that is also the core plot, FYI endings matter).

But for the most part, Hopkins suffers from plot-whiplash. AKA moving from plot to plot so fast that your head goes back and forth like you’re at a tennis match.

Seriously, the whole novel takes place in less than a week. It took me going back and making a timeline to realize that no really the whole thing takes place that quickly.

The problem with doing things too quickly is that you don’t give the audience time to process what happened. Crucial details get left out. Continuity gets ignored. The whole thing feels rushed. It’s like the author is afraid that if they doesn’t resolve the subplot or conflict quickly they’ll lose readers.

But here’s the thing. Readers don’t want instant happy endings. They want the happy ending to be earned. And that is true in romance as it is in other genres. If, for instance, Poirot immediately solved the Murder on the Orient Express, the story wouldn’t be nearly as iconic. 

You’d feel cheated.

As Hitchcock said - "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."

The same is true in romance. Or any story. It’s the journey that’s important, not the destination. 

Which is why I got so angry when I reached the end. Jack hadn’t gotten a valid redemption arc and he’s still the same awful person that he was at the beginning of the novel. Sean actually got worse and his story ended up overshadowing what was ostensibly the more important of the plots (give him his own book, don’t shoehorn it into what is supposed to be a het romance). The Romance wasn’t really resolved in a positive manner.  And the answer to the overarching plot -- will success ruin Rue Calliwell? - was an overwhelming yes. It may be realistic.... but it’s not satisfying.

The third and biggest reason why this book is deserving of a one-star (I’d give no stars if possible) is because it isn’t a Romance, yet it bills itself as such. I know there’s a lot of problem with Authors miscategorizing their works in order to get that elusive “Bestseller” tag. But this isn’t that.  This is the author falling into the pitfall of “Trying to change romance” and ending up not being a romance at all.

Interestingly, Hopkins does miscategorize her book... but in a weird way.

Her book is not an inspirational romance. That category is reserved for “wholesome, faith-filled stories that enrich the lives of readers” - that definition is straight from Harlequin. That means no sex. No swearing. And lots of references to religion (it can be any religion but Christianity is most likely).  This is why there are a lot of reviews angry about the sex and the language.

So how did I come to the conclusion that this wasn’t a romance?

To make sure we’re all on the same page, here’s RWA’s definition of Romance.

1. The over-arching plot.

The plot of the story is pretty much spelled out in the summary. “How will fame and fortune change Rue Calliwell as well as how will she handle finding out about the family she never knew she had?”

The romance is secondary. It’s part of how she handles fame, fortune, and her family. Her brother puts his best friend up to seducing her (amusingly I wrote a fanfic with this EXACT plot 14 years ago). The brother is testing his new sibling. The fact that his BFF and sister fall in lust is a side-effect. Not the main plot.

In order for this to be a romance, the characters falling in love and making the relationship work has to be the main focus. And in this book, it just isn’t.

2. The Points of View.

The book is 52 chapters long. Jack, the antagonist brother, has 8 POV chapters. Sean, the sympathetic brother, has 7 POV chapters. Alec, the love interest, has 7 POV chapters. While the rest are in Rue’s POV.   What does that indicate?

Well, that the author considered the brothers equally or more important than the love interest. We don’t even meet Alec until page 60-something out of 300 pages. That’s waaaaaay too long for a romance novel.  The love interest needs to be introduced quickly. Not a fifth of the way through the book.

3. The “I Love You’s”

You know there’s something wrong with a romance novel when the heroine says “I love you” to all of the other main characters other than love interest. Rue says “I love you” to Jenna. To Sean. To Jack. But not to Alec. Nor does he say it to her. 

4. No actual relationship.

The story between Alec and Rue is a pure Lust and Erotica story. It’s a story of obsession. Of possession. The characters don’t talk. They don’t date. They just engage in tonsil hockey and longing looks.

And the way it’s written is about as sexy as that gif.

The thing is, there is a relationship story in this book. But it’s between Rue and her brothers. In fact, everything with Alec can be seen as supporting that story, not the other way around.

5. The ending.

Again the ending needs to be emotionally satisfying and optimistic. To her credit, she kind of gets the optimistic. Rue and Alec are going to try to make things work on a long term basis and he’s going to go public about liking her.

Sounds good, right?

Except that’s not the actual ending of the book. The ending of the book focuses on the siblings and nothing is resolved there. I was left going “is that it?”

I wasn’t satisfied. I wasn’t happy.

I was angry.

Each of those things would make this book ranked one star.  (So would the fact that stalking is portrayed as romantic, but I’ve gone into that before so I don’t need to go into it here.)

So it should come as no surprise that this book gets:

One star

You can read the hot mess for FREE here.

If you’re enjoying these reviews, you can buy us a kofi.

#Romance review #contemporary romance #new adult romance #faleena hopkins #billionaire romance #musician romance #cockygate #this is so bad #like I want my life back bad #one star #I wish I could give it negative stars #it's that bad #Rose and Lark review books #book review

[lifewithhelp]

Breaking Contact With Someone

Families are intricate and complicated relationships in our lives.  No family is without their share of flaws, arguments and disagreements.  Sometimes it can be very difficult to get along with family members who are a constant stream of stress and upset. I want to discuss the pros and cons of breaking contact with a family member who has caused a lot of issues in your life.  3 years ago I broke contact with several members of my family who were a constant source of arguments, stress and anguish. My family has always been a complex situation and when my Father died the whole dynamics of the family changed, in my eyes for the worse. I tried to be there to support my Mother and Brother, but it became evident that I was in fact sacrificing my own families happiness and stability as well as my own sanity in the process. There was much point scoring, deceit, gossiping, and pot stirring going on at that time with my family and there was always drama.....always.  It was never done in fact.  Every week there was something else.  My Mother was a huge controlling personality and the older she got the more controlling she got.  I was expected to do as she said and be there when she said, otherwise 'What will the rest of the family think?' was always her favourite guilt trip line to make sure I complied with her decisions. I Felt like I had to put up with it out of a sense of duty.  I felt obligated to comply, feeling like I owed her for raising me, even though my childhood had been filled with mental and physical abuse. I felt like I had to keep trying to keep the family together and bought into her theory of "What would the rest of the family think?"  Feeling ashamed and guilty that I should even consider breaking off contact!  After all families are supposed to stick together no matter what right? Wrong!  The mental abuse did not end when I left home.  It didn't end when I married and started my own family.  It continued in the form of gas lighting and devious ways causing so many arguments with my husband.  I really believed I had no choice.  I had been told over and over that families stick together no matter what so I thought I had to put up with it. I was expected to put my children second to her.  I was expected to play happy families for the world to see.  I got to my breaking point with the stress.  Then I discovered that my mother had told some other family members that I was depressed! I had never been diagnosed with depression.   She was covering her own ass in case I tried to extract myself from the family, so that she had already planted the seed that it was something wrong with me.  People had no idea what I had endured.  People had no idea what she was like behind closed doors.  She was like a Jekyll and Hyde personality. She portrayed herself as a charitable, church going upstanding example of the community who would do anything for her family. Eventually my husband had also had enough and  he received a job transfer offer 5000 miles away from Scotland in Houston, Texas. Long story short we decided that we had been given an opportunity to cut ties and break off all contact.  We spoke about it for a while and I decided that I would lay it all out for her in an email and ask that she and my brother leave us alone. The email was met with strong resistance from her.  She tried writing back, she tried to call.  She called my husband at work several times.  She tried many, many ways to give reasons we HAD to stay in touch.  She said she wanted our address to send the kids birthday and Christmas presents, we stayed strong.   We stayed united.  My husband and I were determined to see this through this time.  We had already tried several times previously and she always managed to find that chink in our resolve and worm her way back in and within weeks the drama would start again. It was by no means easy.  I had many doubts along the way.  I felt like I was being unreasonable and felt terrible that we could not keep our family together but I knew it had to be done.  She was never going to change.  She was always going to cause stress in our lives. She tried other ways to pressurize us into staying in contact.  She gave some family members a sob story, so that they would contact us by facebook and tell us how 'upset' she was at what WE were doing.  I know can you believe it??  Some believed it.  I got told that she was so worried about me during the recent Hurricane Harvey.  Judged for what I had done but you know what it was WORTH it! I did miss her in someways.  It felt like I had been orphaned in a way.  It felt like I had lost the whole family because I knew she would be telling the extended family all sorts of lies but I knew that we had to stand strong for the sake of our kids. Now that we are 3 years on and have I would say it was one of the BEST decisions I have ever made.  One of the best things we have ever done for our family.  In the times I wavered my husband strong and encouraged me when it got tough. I was honest with my children why their grandmother and uncle had to be removed from their lives.  They were appalled when I revealed the real reasons behind why we couldn't be in touch with my immediate family.  They supported me too. My hope is that this can give some people in the same situation the courage to do the same if they have been thinking about it.  I wanted to show that it is possible but it is not easy. If you are considering doing something similar whether it be a friend or family member there are some things to consider: The person or people will resist.  They will try many different tricks and strategies to get you to do what they want you to do.  You will need to be strong and determined.  Backing down is not an option if you want to see it through. Lies will be told as a leverage to try and shame you.  They will try to shame you into giving in.  You can't enter into this.  If you enter into this then it will erode at your soul.  You have to accept that lies will be told about you and you will not have the chance to defend yourself.  You have to accept that as part of the deal.  You have to believe that you do NOT need to defend your decision or yourself.  The truth always comes out in the end remember that.  It may take weeks, years even decades but it always comes out. You have to be prepared to stop talking and thinking about this person, and all the wrong they have done you.  Every time you talk or think about this person you are re-establishing the connection.  I believe that we are all connected.  For example this works very much like the way you are thinking about someone and then they call you.  Every time you give that person energy you are keeping the energetic connection there. You have to be prepared to lose other people from your life.  If there are people close to the person you are breaking contact with you have to accept that they will probably not be aware of the real reasons behind your decision.  Chances are they can't see beyond the facade. You have to be aware you will be judged by people who have no right to make a judgment and that there is no point in trying to tell them your side.  Take the higher ground and don't talk about it to others.  You cannot put people in the middle and expect them to choose a side.  People hate conflict and will see you as the problem if you try and push them to take a side.   If you commit to doing this then you have to see it through.  If you don't see it through then should another time come when you need to do it, the person will know that you didn't see it through last time and that means the chances are you won't be able to see it through this time.  Every failed attempt at no contact gives the person less reason to take you seriously when you say 'no contact.' I would say 3 years on it was one of the best decisions we ever made for our family.  We have no stress in our lives and as a family unit we are closer and stronger.  I am so much happier and confident now.  It made me feel empowered and strong managing to get through it and managing to stay the course.  I have written a book and started a business since moving on.   I certainly don't regret what I have done.  My kids now have the chance to have a normal childhood without ever experiencing their mother being mentally abused or the risk that the same might happen to them at the hands of their Grandmother.  For me it was the right choice. Only you can decide if ultimately it's what you need to do.  Only you can decide what's best for you.  

#breaking contact #cuttingsomeoneoutofyourlife #befree #surviving abuse #mindful #bebrave

[matildainmotion]

MOTHERS WHO MAKE: FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT MOTHERS OR MAKERS, WHY YOU MIGHT CARE…

           Mothers Who Make is a support network for mother-artists that I founded, a cause I am championing, a crowdfunding campaign I am leading. But I am troubled. There is a voice in me, and no doubt in the world, that says, “Mothers who make - that’s a bit niche isn’t it? What about everyone else?” It is time to pause on the tweeting, facebook-posting, emailing and to give space to this voice, to listen and respond. Here goes…

           What about, for a start, the fathers who make? And what about those women who are not mothers? What about those that wanted to have children but couldn’t? Or those who decided against it? What about other kinds of caring? Motherhood is in many ways the most visible and validated form of care. What about those mothering their mothers or fathers? Looking after siblings? A spouse? A friend? A neighbour? What about those (all of us?) who are struggling simply to care for ourselves?  

           And the ‘make’ part: what about those who make stuff but do not identify themselves as artists? What, as my prestigious plant biologist sister says, about the scientists? What about the countless creative endeavours that take place not under the name of ‘art’? What about the bakers and the candlestick-makers? What, in other words, is so special about mothers who make?

           I will say what I shouldn’t: nothing.

           Or rather, to be more accurate, there is something special about mother-artists but there is also something special, particular and deserving of recognition about all those other kinds of groups, individuals, challenges, experiences that I have begun to name (and my list was only a small beginning). So then why am I leading this mother/ maker movement?

           Let me try to explain.

           I have read two books recently. I read them slowly, two pages at a time, often by the light of my phone in the dark of the children’s bedroom once they had fallen asleep and I did not want to wake them by getting up and leaving the room. One was The Gardener and The Carpenter by evolutionary psychologist Alison Gopnik and the other was Sapiens, a Brief History of Human kind by Yuval Noah Hurari. In different ways they both name certain extraordinary traits of the human race that have contributed, for better and for worse, to our domination of the world.

           One of these is the incredible amount of time, energy and resources that we pour into raising our young. Another, closely related to this, is the extent of our social networks – the strength and breadth of the bonds that we build. And lastly, again linked to the others, is our ability to tell stories, to create and sustain fictions. In other words, we look after each other and we make stuff up. We love and we lie. We nurture and we create.

           Underneath the ‘Mothers Who Make’ banner this is my deeper interest. It cuts across categories. I name it in the campaign video. There are two verbs that matter to me, to us: we care and we play.

           What I find extraordinary about the times we live in, is how it is abundantly clear that our survival and well being still rests on these two forces of care and play – they run under everything, from Christmas to the stock exchange, from Disney to the NHS, and yet they have precious little value or recognition in the current cultural climate, certainly in the UK. The caring professions, for example, are some of the least well paid. Women still talk about ‘just’ being a mum and often need and/or want to hand their children over to others (childcarers, nannies, nurseries) in order to get back to doing some ‘proper’ work.

           Meanwhile the arts are being steadily axed from our curriculum. Children have less and less free playtime, despite the fact that the research is abundantly clear: we need to play for our developmental health. Artists, like mothers are not considered to have ‘proper’ jobs.  Yet there has perhaps never been a time when we more desperately need our imaginations, need to use our amazing ability to conceive of other ways to live.

           I want to lead a campaign, to stage a revolution about the valuing of care and play, two things which we ALL do, whoever we are. Why then am I focussing on mothers who make? There are three reasons.

           First, I am one. I am a mother, a theatre-maker and a writer and I have become fascinated by the profound relationship between the two roles of mother and maker – the multiple ways in which they connect even whilst the culture informs me I cannot fully do both.

           Secondly, I know from my writing that it is more potent to be specific, more effective to campaign for ‘mothers who make’ than for the abstract and grand notions of ‘care and play,’ and to be a mother-artist is to be a clear champion of those forces. Mothering is, hopefully, the first kind of care we know. We learn how to care from our mothers. Meanwhile, to be an artist, of any kind, is to make a passionate commitment to play. To play seriously, beyond childhood. To believe in stuff that does not yet exist. Mothers Who Make is for women who are dedicated to their children and their art and do not want to compromise on either – it is there to help these people keep on being champions for care and for play.

           Thirdly, there is work to be done in this area. I was shocked on becoming a mother at how marginalised I felt. On the one hand this was not an elite group – motherhood is common. There are many of us. And yet I felt immediately less sure of my place. As one mother wrote on our FB page, “I had no idea that the apparently vanilla act of breeding would lead to feelings of radical otherness.” So I feel there is a big piece of work to be done specifically around valuing this work that women do, of child-bearing and rearing, even as we encourage the men to play their part. And there is another, perhaps more obvious piece of work still to be done around supporting women-artists of every ilk to be able to practice, share and grow their work.

           BUT I am writing this blog because it is important to me that Mothers Who Make is generous and expansive, not exclusive. The reason I want to be specific is, ultimately, to better honour and explore the deeper forces at work that cut across categories. In running a network for mothers who are artists I hope that everyone who is busy, working with all their might at caring, playing for all their worth, might also feel better valued and recognised.

           So if you are not a mother or a maker but you care for anyone, you create anything, I hope this work can, albeit indirectly, be a part of changing the way your work is valued too, your care and your play. This is the quiet revolution I want to stage. Please go here to make it happen:

#mothers makers artists motherswhomake

[mrsteveecook]

should I tell my new boss about my previous poor performance in this job?

A reader writes:

I started a role at a new company last October. I’ve wanted to work there for ages and it’s a role that perfectly matches my skill set. The role reports direct to the executive director, the only one at my level with a direct reporting line.

Just before I started, my ED was promoted to CEO. During recruitment to replace her, the new CEO continued to do the ED functions, and my reporting line was direct to the CEO. This seemed great at first, but it turned out she didn’t have time for both roles. As a result, I couldn’t get input on my projects. As a new staff member, I had no one to ask questions, and almost no guidance. I did ask senior members of my team for support, but they had little info about my role. A lot what they said was contradictory and confusing. They were also overworked, and suffering from lack of input themselves.

My performance has been poor. This is unusual for me – I’m normally a high-achiever and I expected to excel in this role. A lot of my poor performance has been due to unclear expectations, and there have been a lot of crossed wires.

After three months, I found out that the CEO had asked one of the senior members of my team to be my interim manager until the new ED started. I didn’t realized that for three months, because my interim manager hadn’t been giving me the guidance I needed to do my job. Recently, we had my mid-probation performance review. It was very poor. I’m not on a performance improvement plan, but I think I might not pass my probation. Leading up to this and as a result, I’ve been extremely stressed at work. I cry in the toilets multiple times a day, and my productivity and attention to detail are really down because of the stress. I feel like there are so many expectations on me, and I have no way of knowing what they are, and no way of meeting them.

Finally, this week, the new ED started. She’s confirmed she’s now my direct line manager. But I still have part two of my performance review with my interim line manager, and I know it will be bad. I’m trying so hard, but I know I’m still doing a really poor job, and the stress of doing a poor job is making everything worse.

Should I tell my new ED about my bad performance to date? Or should I take the opportunity to start fresh with a manager who can give me the guidance I need, and hope that’s enough to return me to my usual high performance? She seems great so far, and is keen to get involved with my work. Should I set expectations explaining my poor performance, and my hopes to improve? Or should I let her decide for herself as I try to get better? My probation is up in two months’ time.

The best thing you can do is to sit down with your new boss and lay out the situation as openly as you can.

Typically when new managers start, they’re filled in about any issues on their team. So it’s very, very likely that she’s going to hear (or has already heard) the CEO and interim manager’s impressions of how things are going (and if for some reason she doesn’t, she’ll definitely be looped in on the part two of the evaluation from the interim manager). So it’s not like the choice is between “she hears what’s been happening” or “we start fresh.” She’s going to hear what’s been happening from others, and so you want her to hear your perspective too.

The best thing you can do to make a strong impression is to be very, very candid. Acknowledge the struggles you’ve had, share your perspective on why things have played out this way, and tell her you’re committed to working with her to get back on track and what you think you’ll need to do that.

In doing this, it’ll be important not to sound like you’re exclusively blaming others for the situation. It’s possible that the situation really is 100% caused by the lack of guidance, but because she’s coming in new, she’s not going to know whether or not that’s true and will probably find it concerning if your take is that it’s all caused by other people. It’s a lot more impressive if you can say, “In hindsight, while these weren’t optimal conditions, I should have done XYZ.” (The seniority of your role matters too. The more senior it is, the more she’s going to expect you to have figured out some things on your own, despite the situation — and maybe to think, fairly or not, “Yeah, this wasn’t a great set-up but I also think the right person would have found a way to make it work.”)

If I’m a new manager coming in and hearing that an employee in my department has been getting poor reviews and is still in their probationary period, I’m going to be bracing for the likelihood that it’s just not the right fit. If that person comes to me and says, essentially, “I know this hasn’t been going well, here’s my take on what’s happening, and here’s what I think I need to turn this around,” I’m going to be (a) relieved that the person doesn’t have their head in the sand about the situation and glad they’re making it easy to talk openly about it, and (b) impressed that they’re confronting it head-on and taking responsibility for working with me to see if we can right things.

I do want to flag that it’s possible that even with a new manager and even with more guidance, it’s possible that this just really isn’t the right job for some reason. It’s possible they need someone who’s really good at working with little guidance, or at sorting through contradictory information. Hopefully not, and hopefully what you encountered was just about the CEO being stretched too thin. But keep that in your head as a possibility — because if your whole being is focused on “I must make this work,” you might miss signs that you shouldn’t try to make it work. It’s okay if it’s the wrong role for you, even though it seemed like an ideal one originally. Sometimes as you learn more about what it takes to succeed in a particular job, you realize it’s just not a good match for you. (Sometimes it’s not a good match for anyone; sometimes “good match” mostly means “will tolerate a crappy situation.”) If it ultimately turns out that you can’t make this job work the way you expected to, that’s okay.

And the other thing is … success here isn’t just that you pass the probationary period and keep the job. Success is that you’re doing well and you feel good about things.

To be totally frank, if you didn’t have a new boss coming in, I’d tell you to seriously consider calling it with this job now. The situation you’ve described — feeling you’re doing a bad job and crying in the bathroom multiple times a day — isn’t one where you should just try to power through, not after it’s gone on this long. See how things go with the new manager, but if you or they ultimately conclude that this isn’t the right match, that’s okay. It’s not failure to not be the right match with every single job that initially seemed promising, regardless of the reasons behind that.

You may also like:

update: I hate my new employee

are you giving your employees enough feedback?

my employee asked me not to give him any feedback

should I tell my new boss about my previous poor performance in this job? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager https://ift.tt/2UovuRv

[thedatingmisadventures]

After Events

A little more than a year ago, I had embarked on this journey to try and fix my dating life. It didn’t work. I barely lasted 4 months of the 6 months I was suppose to do that entire task for. I was miserable. But misery loves company. I am a person who loves to put myself into weird situations. 

I feel the need to tell a couple more of my misadventures that happened last year. I doubt many people read this, but it would be cathartic to write. And I need to write more anyways, so bear with me as I work my way through another sordid tale of mine.

I dated a friend of a friend. Mistake, I know this now looking back. They were everything I wanted and yet nothing I needed. Funny how that works. I was immediately attracted to them. They were funny, laughed a lot, were into working out like I am, an intellectual, had a job, you know all the good things in life. We first went out for dinner. There was a sushi place I wanted to take them too. We ate, tried green tea mochi ice cream (I wasn’t a fan but they liked it), and left to some where more private to talk. Literally, all we did was talk. Talk about how they wanted to change their lives now that they were divorced, not be in a committed relationship with anyone, just go with the flow and try all the things they never got to. I told them how I worked every day to be a better person, who I had friends that were going places with their lives around me so I would always strive for my own dreams instead of helping other achieve theirs. It was great, everything I wanted and yet... I felt uneasy, as though I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. They made it clear they weren’t looking for anything serious and I didn’t want that with them - they weren’t stable mentally enough for me to want more than maybe a roll in the sheets.

We continued to text and go out on small dates, pizza, coffee and comics while playing Pokemon Go. We kissed. It was nice. Everything was slower paced, which I needed because I was protecting myself from the inevitable discontinuation of out fun.

 They made dinner, we had sex - it was mediocre due in part to them never having experience beyond their marriage. I left feeling like this was the end. We had been doing this dating thing for about four months or so. But we still had one big thing planned. They had never gone to Vegas and there is where everything went to fucking hell.

Now, I do mean it went to hell. I woke up the morning that we were planning on leaving only to discover some asshole decided to smash out my windows in order to get to the messenger bag I left in my passenger seat. My work laptop was saved by my Jiu Jitsu Gi - having been hidden underneath it. But I was completely devastated. I had plans to drive. I sent her a message explaining what had happened, trying to figure out other plans to get to Vegas. A rental or something. And instead of just letting me deal with my problem and solve our mutual one. They proceed to call me, over and over again, as I am filing police reports, talking to my insurance and trying to get my car into a repair shop. I sent them a text telling them I had to get my car into a shop before I even considered leaving because I had to go back to work when Vegas was all said and done.

Eventually they got the hint, focusing instead on figuring out a way to get us to Vegas while I took my car to the shop to get 2 of my windows replaced. 

I will say this now, I should have never gone. I should have taken that event as a sign that I wasn’t meant to go to Vegas. Not with them, not with their friends, not with everything else that was going on. And yet I went.

Three of her friends had joined us on the trip, getting their own rooms, We managed to get all five of us into a single car. It was an interesting trip. I learned that the three friends were planning on doing Coke while in Vegas. I was in a car, with drugs (I believe) in the car. And the driver nearly got us into an accident. I was mentally figuring that I wouldn’t be spending a whole lot of time with them. 

Now for me, Vegas is a place where I don’t have to put on a goddamn mask and be someone else. I do that at work and over time it wares thin. Pool, alcohol, sun massages, dancing and all the good stuff is my Vegas way. The three friends were strip club and blow. Whatever, do you boo. Just don’t get me involved. I don’t need a record. I nicely avoided getting one for a very long time, I don’t plan on having coke heads fuck that up for me.

Also, what does it say about a person who hangs out with people like that? I don’t know. When we get there, I get dropped off alongside the person I am dating. We check in and out room is huge. It’s awesome. I change and hit the pool. I needed to decompress.

Now before I continue this sordid tale, keep in mind that earlier in the month I had told them that they could invite anyone. Since we were not committed, they had other dating partners. I am not sure if there is a code of conduct for dating multiple people at once that states that you can have two of them in the same room at the same time - but let me throw this out there, probably not the best idea. 

Vegas is almost everything I wanted. I spent my days by the pool, walking the strip to a spa, being liquored up the entire time, gambling a little. And I see very little of them and their friends. Thank god because one came into a room and declared they just did a line of coke before coming to my room. I was unimpressed. Seriously, unimpressed. If you can’t have fun without being fucking high then there is something wrong in your brain and you should go see a doctor about it. But my dating partner was all about their drug antics and their new person. Whatever, I am self-sufficient enough to make friends anywhere so I spent most of my time orbiting the group and my new acquaintances.

Now my dating partner, until the last night was decent. I didn’t wake up at the crack of dawn to anything weird. It was all good. The disconnect came at the very end. Because if things are going to go wrong, it’s always towards the end. I spent some time with the entire group, but was ready towards 1am to turn in and just relax in my bed. A cab was caught, a bed was had. Until 3 am, when my dating partner and their other lover came into the room and proceeded to have sex while I was trying to sleep. No ‘Hey, can we have the room for a bit’, no nothing. Just sex. I wanted to get up and strangle someone, but I was too tired so I just closed my eyes and went back to sleep - it was over quick enough for me to do so. It’s Vegas, just shake my foot and tell me you need the room. I can go downstairs and play the slots, get boozed up. Anything other than waking to you two fucking. Seriously, rude.

The morning couldn’t come soon enough, because it was just gross and unattractive. I mean if their other partner was attractive, then maybe it would have lessen waking up to that sex session. It gets even worse when we get up and ready to leave. They decide, last minute, to leave me in the care of their friends to take me home while they stayed with their new Beau in Vegas. At that point, I was done. The entire trip was just me, spending time by myself, listening to their friends get high, listening to them fuck their new lover in the same room as me, and them just being rude all around. 

The ride home was marked only by a stop for food, where one of their friend’s got a convenient nose bleed. Maybe snorting coke is bad for you? Seriously, birds of a feather flock together. I have issues with drugs as it is, seeing my dating partner hang out with addicts, have their new beau be a ‘recovering’ addict, and them dying to do ‘everything’ they hadn’t before was enough for me to take a large step away from that shit show. 

When I got home, I didn’t message them and they didn’t message me. It was mutually understood I wanted nothing to do with that mess. I can easily forgive the fucking with me in the room, but I can��t forgive them involving me in their drug-scapade. 

I only recently ran into them. I was at my favorite cafe, working on my writing when they appeared before me - with that same Beau now turned committed partner.              ‘Hey, what brings you here?’

             ‘Uh, I come here often’

             ‘Oh...how are you?’

             ‘I’m well, but I really need to finish this’

Short and sweet. I was dismissive and truly didn’t want to engage. This coffee place is one I took them to, I told them that it was my favorite place to meet new dating partners when things go offline. The shock that I was there must have rattled their brain. OR maybe it was truly surprise, I am not sure. I hadn’t seen them for months. Nor had our mutual friends. After I told my tale to our mutual friends, my dating partner was removed from our circle of friends. We all have too many plans and goals int he works to invest time in someone self-destructing. If we were closer to them, then maybe but ultimately hard drugs were triggers for a good many of our circle. Thankfully, the relationships were that close, so it was easy to remove myself from their influence.

A learning experience is what I can chalk that up to. This partner was longer than most and ultimately stood as a reminder that what I think I want and what I actually need are two different things sometimes. After them, I got too wrapped up in discovering my Grandmother and Foster Mother had an aggressive form of cancer to date. Only recently did I venture down that path again. But that is a post for another time.

#thedatingmisadventures #dating mistakes #romance failures #seriouslyisuckatthis

[mrsteveecook]

my friend is bombarding me with urgent messages while I’m at work, I fell for an email scam, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I told a friend I’d help him, and now he’s bombarding me with urgent messages while I’m working

A coworker of mine recently left my company to head up a nonprofit organization founded by his late father. The organization has very limited resources and is just getting off the ground. I told him I’d be happy to help him out with any marketing-related tasks, so long as it did not interfere with my actual work. Since he left two weeks ago, however, he has been up my proverbial ass with requests and things he “needs” urgently. DURING WORK HOURS. This week, he had the audacity to email my work email address with the word “urgent” in the subject line. Other colleagues have been included on these emails as well, but nobody seems to be perturbed.

Mind you, I told him i would help, but we never had the discussion as to what his marketing needs are and what the time commitment looks like. He just assumed he could start sending me requests.

How should I field this? Should I just not respond to future requests, or should i set the precedence that I am happy to help, but he needs to be respectful of my time and work schedule? I also haven’t received a single please or thank you for anything I have done, and that bothers me too. Do you think it is worth it to say something? He is an adult and I don’t want to scold him, but come on, dude.

It sounds like he may have had a different understanding of what “as long as it doesn’t interfere with my work” meant. He may have thought it meant you’d do stuff for him when you had downtime at work, and not realized you didn’t want to hear from him at work at all. So if you’re still interested in helping him, be really, really explicit with him about what that means. For example: “I can help you with things like X and Y, but I’m not going to be able to do anything during work hours, including fielding questions. You definitely can’t email me at work, and generally I’ll need a few days to get back to you. If things are going to urgent or need to be moved forward during the work day, that’s not something I can help with. Given that, does it still make sense for me to help out?”

Also, ask directly what kind of time commitment he’s envisioning from you in an average week/month because you might have wildly different expectations there too.

Of course, all that assumes you still want to help him. If you don’t — and it’s absolutely okay if you don’t, particularly given his apparent lack of appreciation of your work and your time — you can say, “I’ve realized this is more of a time commitment than I can take on right now so I should bow out.”

2. I fell for an email scam and cost my company money

I was recently the victim of a scam over company email and I wanted to write you for both advice and to warn your readers!

Recently a member of the executive team (but not my direct supervisor) emailed me in the morning to ask if I had any meetings or if I was available to do her a favor. There were very few people in the office and we’ve worked together for many years, so this wasn’t odd. My coworkers do these kinds of things for each other fairly often. I let her know that I was available and asked what I could do to help. She said that she was in a meeting and couldn’t talk, but needed me to run and grab a few Google Play gift cards for her for some clients. None of this raised any red flags for me, but you see where it’s going…

…It wasn’t her emailing me at all. Someone had spoofed her email address and I ended up sending over $1,000 worth of gift card information purchased with my company credit card over email to a stranger and criminal. It wasn’t until I had done everything that she asked and she requested more gift cards that it occurred to me that I was being scammed. By then the damage was done. The cards are worthless now.

The second that I realized what happened, I ran to fill in my supervisor and contacted IT and our accounting department to let them all know. Everyone was understanding to a fault, but I can’t get over it. It’s humiliating to have fallen for this. I have no experience with Google Play gift cards, but apparently they’re one of the few cards that you only need the code to redeem, not the gift card number itself.

To add insult to injury, I’m generally one of the most tech and digital-savvy people in our organization and I’ve never been so mad at myself. I’ve been trying to pay my company back the money I lost, but they won’t allow it. If you have any advice over how to move past such an idiotic, pointless, and pricey mistake, I would love to hear about it.

Your company is right not to let you pay back that money. Mistakes are a cost of doing business, and it’s in their best interests not to have employees worrying that they’ll have to personally foot the bill if they mess something up. So stop offering that! (And for what it’s worth, while I’m sure your company wasn’t thrilled to have lost $1,000, in the scheme of things that amount is not huge for most companies that way it would be to most individuals.)

This scam works because people fall for it. Chalk it up to experience, decide you now have a good story when the subject of email scammers comes up, and don’t stay mired in embarrassment about it. (Plus, you’ve done a good deed now by spreading word about it here.)

3. I don’t like my new firm’s business casual dress code

I am a lawyer, and I recently moved from the law firm I have worked at my whole career to a smaller firm in the suburbs closer to where I live. The job is great, I’m well remunerated, I like the partners, and the cases I’m working on are interesting. The firm’s culture is also very good and I’m often leaving the office by 5.30 pm.

My problem: the firm is only business dress on Mondays or on days we’re in court. The rest of the week is “business casual,” which in effect seems to mean polo shirts and chinos. The firm I came from was strictly business five days a week, and had a dress code which mandated navy/charcoal suits, solid dark ties, white or light blue shirts, cufflinks, and oxfords without brogues.

When clients come in, I have to make presentations while wearing casual clothing. I find that this means I’m being taken less seriously by clients. I’m quite young for a senior associate and I look even younger than I am. I also feel much less confident. Even when I’m sitting at my desk doing work, I feel like I’m less productive because I’m wearing casual clothing and I don’t feel like I’m at work. Whenever I wear a suit, I feel in the zone and I’m more productive.

What can I do about this? I will look very odd if I turn up to work every day wearing a suit. I also don’t think I can shift the dress code, because the partners love being able to go straight to the golf club after work and are convinced it increases worker morale. Is it unreasonable that I’m actually considering quitting my job and finding somewhere new because of the casual dress code? I’ve invested a lot of time and money in my professional wardrobe, and I feel like I’m a worse lawyer when I don’t look like one.

Dress code can be a big part of culture, and it’s possible that this just isn’t the culture for you. But before you decide that, I’d give it some time. You don’t say how long you’ve been at the new firm, but I’d give it at least a few months to see if you start adjusting. Lots of people do feel just as productive in business casual as in suits, but there might be an adjustment period before that happens.

Meanwhile, though, is there a middle ground — something dressier than a polo shirt but not as formal as a suit? Chinos and a dress shirt, for example? That probably wouldn’t stand out as too out of sync with everyone else, but would be more formal than a polo (ugh).

The issue with clients taking you less seriously is tougher, because clothes really do help convey professional maturity when you look young. Could you keep a blazer at work and put it on before you meet with clients?

Ultimately, I’d give this some time to see if you can make it work since you seem to like everything else about the job. If six months in, you’re still feeling like this piece of the company just doesn’t fit you, it might make sense to look around — but give it time first and see if you do adjust.

4. How do you ask a question you should already know the answer to?

This happens to me a lot: I start a new job, and the person who’s training me mentions something in passing (“You’ll also use these for the RF reports when I pass that task over to you”). I don’t ask for clarification because things are moving fast and our focus is on something else and honestly my head is spinning with the amount of new information I’m absorbing. Often I don’t even remember the reference.

Then it’s two years later. There was a period when I was too new for anyone to explain to me about the RF reports, and then there was a period when I’d been here so long that naturally I must know all about the RF reports — I never seem to catch the moment when it would be the right time to ask!

I know the solution to the problem at hand: I have to ask someone, no matter how awkward it feels or how much I feel that I’m losing face professionally because I don’t already have that information.

What I want to know is, is there a way to prevent this from happening? Since it’s happened to me in nearly every job I’ve ever had, surely the common factor must be something I’m doing wrong. How do I avoid having these gaps in my knowledge?

It can be hard to catch it when it’s first mentioned in the type of moment you described — when training is moving quickly and you’re already overwhelmed. The key, I think, is to believe that that’s normal and that’s there’s absolutely nothing wrong with realizing a week or two later (or even longer), “Oh crap, I have no idea what these RF reports are” and asking someone. It sounds like the crux of the problem here isn’t that you’re missing things initially — because that’s really normal in a new job — but that you’re not asking once you spot it because you feel like your window of opportunity has closed. It hasn’t!

If it’s just been a week or two, all you have to say is, “I realized that I’m not clear on what RF reports are. Can you go over that with me?”

if it’s been longer and you feel like it might not look great that it’s taken you this long, then you just own that! Say something like, “I’m realizing I should have gotten this clarified by now, but with everything else I was learning, I somehow didn’t! Can you show me how to use RF reports?” If it’s been a really long time, own it even more: “I can’t believe I don’t know this, but somehow I never learned what RF reports are when I was being trained.”

This is normal! It happens to everyone. It’s not going to make you look foolish unless you start covering up that you don’t know what they are — which can cause real problems and will reflect badly on you in a way that none of the above will!

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my friend is bombarding me with urgent messages while I’m at work, I fell for an email scam, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2Gg1seC