#I'm still second-guessing EVERYTHING now

[amethystina]

Hey <3 really sorry to bother you, I read Who Holds the Devil since day 1, I absolutely love it. Do you know when a new chapter will be posted ? Take care

Hi there! I'm glad that you like it! And thank you so much for staying faithful to the fic for so long 💜

Unfortunately, this is what we call "catching me at a bad time" since today I've received unsolicited criticism, opinions, and/or complaints (some of them valid) on three separate fics, from three different people. So I'm kind of having my doubts about the whole "writing fanfics" thing right now. Or at least the "posting fanfics" thing.

(That'll pass, don't worry. I'm just being dramatic because I'm still trying to process and overcome all these new doubts and anxieties I didn't ask for but suddenly have to deal with)

On top of that, you happen to be the second person to ask me this question today, which is in no way helping my current situation. I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention, but yeah.

Also, I'm afraid I might be getting sick again so, uh, there's that, too.

So, to be entirely honest with you, I don't know. I had hoped to get back to it sooner than this, but things are kind of difficult right now even if we ignore the shitshow today has been for me, my confidence, and my writing.

As always, I promise I'll post as soon as I'm able but, right now, I can't say when that'll be. So please be patient for a little while longer :)

You take care too 💜

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #I promise it'll pass #And I will get back to writing it #Hopefully soon #Today is just a VERY bad day for this question #Because one of the fics in question was Who Holds the Devil #And... uh... #The comment hit me where it hurts #In that sort of way where even if it's just a single person saying their personal opinion #Which they're entitled to #And they claim it wasn't meant to be negative #I'm still second-guessing EVERYTHING now #Since it's such an important part of the fic #And something I take so much pride in #And it doesn't matter that it's one of the things other people have praised me for since the very beginning #Because anxiety doesn't care about logic #And all I can see is that I apparently failed at something I thought I was doing well on #So yeah #Today kind of sucks

[sysig]

I think the world is so wonderful... (Patreon)

#My art #Handplates #UT #Papyrus #I have not been able to get this idea out of my head for like - days now lol #It's only solidified the more I read! Heck!! #I dunno if I was necessarily hoping that reading further would point me in another direction but no now this is one of his songs lol #I really like Rugrats Theory actually :) The song of course it's lovely but I even have some nostalgia for the creepypasta haha #Been a while since I read it tho so that's probably just the soft haze of memory talking lol #But the song is still great! I'm partial to the English cover but I like the original as well :) #There are just so many fun lyrics! Especially for Papyrus specifically #''Everything I've been told I believe and yet people that I love just leave'' Gasterrr #''I think I'm old enough to understand so there's no reason to hide from me'' Sanssssssss #Once I returned to the scene of Sans trying to lie to him I just fjdslahfd these lyrics would Not leave me alone lol #I'm also Extremely partial to the second verse surrounding blindness and willful ignorance - his vision problems literal and metaphorical! #I wasn't planning to start a Handplates playlist but I guess by this point it's kinda too late haha #I also tried a different style of shading for this one ♪ Trying to style match a bit hehe #It's fun! Scratchy - tho some of that is from still using my usual brushes lol #I was Very inspired by watching the comic creation playlist - so cool! Very fun to watch and pick up ideas hehe #I knew I forgot something lol dang it - forgot the dash between WDG-2 #S'what I get for using pre-plates references :P #For just a quick little thing I'm fairly pleased overall tho :)

[tsunael]

wolcred week |  4. 'broken / trust.'

She was a veritable tour de force– an absolute nightmare of a woman. Yet, despite what the bards might sing, she was just as human as any other.

-> part I.

-> cw: suggestive themes.

And he couldn’t stop thinking about her.

“Wait– Gods– I’ll be sick.”

Overindulging in drink and dancing on bloody feet had left a typhoon of a woman clinging to the bark of a pixie apple tree for a semblance of stability.

He halted his stride with a huff and readjusted his grip on their youngest charge to wait with waning patience. He had half-expected to carry one of them home, but not certainly not Ryne, though he heard Alphinaud and Alisaie had met with similar fates. Y’shtola had done him a service and seen to their care, as well as Urianger's-- and must be thankful, for that was one man he did not want to carry across the Crystarium grounds.

That only left their most important cargo to him– how lucky he was-- and if Tsuna did not get ahold of herself, he feared he would soon find himself out of hands. 

He looked on past the treetops, to the early morning sky peeking through the crystal dome to find a moment to wax poetic. “Destroyer of Primals, Lightwarden’s Bane... but a flagon of ale has not ceased to bring the Warrior of Darkness to her knees, I see.”

Tsuna shot a pointed look in his direction. “P-Piss off,” she droned, half-way between a hiss and a whine. "You're making it worse."

All he could do was offer his own exhausted smirk at her expense. 

It was true. Tsuna Wasaishi could fell all manner of beasts with enough willpower and sheer dumb luck, but the stairs to her chambers seemed her most daunting adversary yet.

Ryne had been put to bed, which freed his attention to better escort the stumbling woman into his chambers on the first floor to circumvent the climb.

She offered him a shy look from over her bare shoulder, muttering something so incoherent he could only barely piece it together. “... stay with me?” she asked.

She fell upon his mattress in a heap, looking at once grateful for sturdy ground.

“Off,” she mumbled. Her knuckles tapped the hard cage of her corset and drew his exhausted sigh. “Please,” she added, weakly. Even at her wits end she still found it pertinent to be cordial, and he had no choice but to oblige.

Tsuna slumped forward for him, pulling her hair loose and tossing it over her clammy shoulder to better offer her laces. The cotton of the cincher was damp to the touch, her skin still shone with sweat. He thumbed the laces, pulling them free from the centre-outward, and as he broke her free from the busk, and immediately she began to breathe easier.

He had to wonder why one woman would put herself through so much for such pain just to numb another.

He was struck by the blunt force three words could bring. It was not as if they hadn’t shared a night in the past. Even so, he stood from the bed, only to prostrate himself before her, if only to make her more comfotable.

“I would not leave you in such a sorry state.” It was the truth, though he chuffed to hide from his own trepidation. “It’s all right. You needed this.”

Tsuna closed her eyes agreeably, and nodded, softly humming in perceived content as he fished for her ankle under her dress’ hem. 

“You’re my dearest friend, Thancred. Y'know that, yes?”

Slowly, she picked up her skirts before him, and rose them high to aid in his task. Completely unabashed, she revealed to him the shapely, naked length of her legs for a show. His eyes were drawn down to the map of scales hugging her sides, then up– up to the lazy, amused smile curling her lips. She looked down on him, a supplicant, and a familiar heat rushed through him.

His hands paused. He knew. Gods, he knew. They mapped each other's hurts like no one else ever would.

How many times had he found himself wanting to sit outside her door for that very reason?

“I could tell you anything,” she whispered, softer. “Couldn’t I?”

“Of course.”

He bit his cheek, tilting his chin down, trying to focus on the matter at hand. 

Thancred’s hands smoothed up her firm calves and carefully removed the battered heel from her right foot. Her soles were angry and blistered from her hours of revelry, and so with the same care he removed the left, though it was there that he lingered. The thumb on her calve began to move in easy circles to loosen the band of muscle grown taut with pain and overuse. Tsuna drew in a sharp breath and squirmed in his hands, and the hem rose higher still.

He crept up past her knee, and settled on her lower thigh before he stopped himself. 

He had broken her trust before, and he would not do so again– even if she were more than willing. 

“Keep going.”

Her hand clasped over his own, and drew it upwards, his thumb reaching beneath her skirts, to dip into the crease of her thigh for a tantalizing moment. He knew what she wanted, and he would visit all seven of the Hells if he admitted he wished the same. The Gods only knew how long he had been bereft. 

It took all he had to retract his hand, despite her protests. “I won’t,” he muttered firmly under his breath. “Not like this.”

She was looking for another way to drown, and he would not have a part in it.

“Why?" Tsuna sat upright, lips twisted in hurt. "Gods– Warm me.” He looked away, rueful, only managing to raise her frustration. “You said so: I need this–” Her voice fell soft, desperate. Her hands clasped his face, stroking lines across his cheeks in order to pull him in. 

A kiss was pressed to her palm, and she was struck silent.

“It wouldn’t be the first–”

“All the more reason not to make the same mistake twice,” he interrupted, pulling her hands from him. “Another time. Another place.” And he would.

He used the opportunity to stand, to begin the ritual of shucking his coat to prepare for his own rest, when without so much as a sound, she reached for his now-naked hand, and despite it all– despite everything– his thumb ran careful circles over her knuckle.

She needed something more than just a warm body beside her, and it was something he could not provide.

#I'm late with this sighs-- this is yesterdays #ok now it fits the theme #I'm extremely sleep deprived so this writing probably sounds awful but everything I make seems great when im loopy tbh #anyway hi Tsuna's embarrassing & insufferable here but I think her coming face to face with her mortality a second time-- third time(?) #would have irreparably altered her. Like from SHB on she's more self-destructive-- esp after getting a taste of it in HW #anyway the theme is a double entendre in 2 parts in that she considers herself broken -> she trusts him with her life -> #but it's also calling back to events after HW that none of yall know or care about because it's still only in my head guh-HUH #lmao anyway #wolcred week #gpose #i just wanna write paragraphs about how th*ncred can only deal with things physically and struggling with that I GUESS.

[ying-doodles]

my brain is running a million miles a minute rn

help

#ying rambles #let me try to just spew out my ideas in here so i'm not making so many individual posts #uh let's see #i wanna make an underwater version of void ying (my main sona rn) #where instead of having stars all over there's little fish? and they're wearing a clear raincoat and boots #i wanna draw myself in little outfits again (like those old wardrobe memes that are like pjs casual formal etc) #i need to actually sit down and draw new pfps for main and spam cause i'm tired of my current ones #it seems like the reverse absolutes are winning the poll so i have to come up with an archangel javier design (not that hard actually) #but i want to try to draw his rainbow wings in that piece?? maybe?? #and then there's the turnaround i just talked about that i have to figure out #cause that's like what. 4 frames if we keep it simple (front left back right). or 8 if we do quarter turns (so many angles..)?? #and then there's the drifting closer comic that's in second place in the poll #i have a vague idea of what i want it to look like but i need to sit down and sketch it to actually figure it out #and then at some point i need to figure out what the fck i'm drawing for the tged zine #cause i don't actually know what i'm gonna do yet (but i have until june to think on it i guess) #and. and... #... i think that's everything? #no there's still a lot of other stuff i wanna do but these tags are so long by now.. #if you read them all uh good on you i guess? #i gotta go to bed i need to cease thinking-

[cookinguptales]

.........lmao

so I was remembering the way I had to start wearing a training bra when I was like. seven or eight. and I hated wearing it so much that I would like hide it at the bottom of my drawer and try to sneak out of the house without it. (I was not allowed to go out without it, my parents were always on me about that.)

and I'd always conceptualized that as me just not liking my body being talked about the way it was now being talked about but sitting here in bed at age 33 I finally was like

wait there are times that I have to be really careful about wearing bras (or really anything that puts any pressure at all on my ribcage, including just well-fitting shirts) because that can cause rib subluxations. also, I regularly dislocate my shoulder while putting on bras.

and now I've got my head in my hands over here, because I swear, part of having chronic illnesses is just constantly recontextualizing your weird childhood behavior!!!

like I used to get in trouble a lot as a kid for sitting scrunched up at the dinner table (like crosslegged or knees pulled up to my chest) and when I went to Mayo to get diagnosed at 17 the doc was like "does she sit all curled up a lot?" and my mother was like "???? yes?????" and it turned out that was a behavior they'd noticed in a lot of kids with POTS because we had such weird blood flow problems.

(and yes, my mom then felt bad for yelling at me for it for all those years. lmao)

#but yeah that's also why I wear the baggiest clothes humanly possible while I'm at home #I can't wear anything constrictive at ALL because it's a subluxation risk #so I'm comfortable when nothing is touching me haha #it's also why I'm always stripping like the second I get back hahaha #I guess if we're also admitting gross things we did as kids I would run the shower and pretend I'd gotten into it sometimes #and just run water over my head at the end so people would think I'd showered and washed my hair #because I always got so sick in the shower #it was like the only duplicitous thing I ever did as a child lmao I was well-behaved to a FAULT #but I hated showers #STILL DO but now I know how to not pass out in them so much #.........sigh I always insisted on baggy clothes as a kid too #'they're just more comfortable!!' #EVERYTHING MAKES MORE SENSE NOW... #cw: #chronic illness #disability

[edelorion]

#edel vents #disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh... #so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!! #today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today #and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go #i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with #aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there #and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to #discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual. #had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore) #so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood. #went home tired. can't really do anything right now. #at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks. #...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone #worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..? #i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed #as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them. #when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness. #to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth #and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her. #she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred #i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many #i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating. #i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin. #i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out. #i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it. #and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved. #i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something. #maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now. #sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.

[girlscience]

i genuinely think fanfic might be ruining my life

#when i say all i do all day is read fic it's not a joke and i'm starting to think it is actually bad for me #it gets in the way of quite literally everything else in my life #it is what i use to deal with any emotion outside of generally happy or vague nothingness #i read it first thing when i wake up i read until the last second i have to get out of bed #i read all day at work and then read all night until my eyes hurt and i have to go to sleep #it makes up 90% of what i think about every single day #it is a huge chunk of what i talk about with other people cause it's all my thoughts #i can't make myself stop reading it #like i actually start going through withdraw or something #it gets hard to think and i can't focus and i can't sit still and i feel so so bored #and it feels like nothing else matters #i used to read science magazines for fun and now i can't even get through one article without feeling like i'm dying #there is some crazy good fic out there but most of what i read is like... the tik tok of stories #it's like the short form version of a book #it is taking over my life (i say that like this hasn't been true for probably a decade at this point) #but i literally don't know how to fix it #i can delete my ao3 but you can read without an account #i guess i could go wholesale and delete the internet off my phone #but i need that for so many other things #i straight up don't know what to do #i might actually need help. like i think i might be addicted the way some people are to social media

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm watching the new Sad Boyz episode and Jarvis has been talking about Fall Out Boy for thirty minutes and I'm juuust. not enjoying it

#I hate FOB #I'm so sorry I wish I didn't and I feel bad for it #but oh my god I hate them so much #the second concert I went to was a FOB concert. I was like 13 or 14 I guess? #anyway I was an emo kid so I did kinda like them #but they were my best friend's favourite band so I wasn't allowed to REALLY like them #but she wanted to go to the concert so I had to too. #it was a horrible experience and I had a huge panic attack because we got pushed close to the mosh pit and I couldn't move #because I was a TINY teenage girl #and I genuinely thought I was gonna die. #idk what little I saw of the show was good I think. but the fans really fucking sucked. like damn you have to be an asshole if you see #basically A KID full on sobbing and still not help them get out or anything or stop pushing and all that. #soo yeah idk it was all around just a horrible day and I haven't listened to their music since and I get really anxious when I think about #them. #funny thing is the next concert I went to after that was with my little brother and that same friend. it was a shitty german rapper #that I can't stand. BUT the fans there were so damn lovely to us. they looked out for us the whole time and everything. maybe because they #were mostly older idk #man I really hate concerts now though. #BUT I love Jarvis and I will keep watching the episode and it's fine and hopefully they'll move on soon.... #personal

[cheekblush]

really starting to think someone put the evil eye on me.....

#all 3 of my final lab exams went horribly #today i had an oral exam & my first train was canceled & the second one was 20 minutes late #i arrived 7 minutes late but i was thankfully still on time bc there was still another student in the exam room #my teacher obviously wasn't amused but she was still nice & i got a b which i'm satisfied with #but my teacher seems convinced that i can do much better like a b isn't a good grade?? let me live 😭 #i guess i was still lucky bc i was there on time after all & got a good grade but it was soooo stressful i'm glad i didn't cry #and my mom made it so much worse when i told her my train wasn't coming she got all mad at me like it was my fault??? #she kept saying i finally need to grow up like girl what does that have to do with the train being canceled? 😭 #she stressed me out even more & she actually could've easily driven me to my exam bc i had still had over an hour to get there #but instead she kept berating me and making me feel even worse... #and i kept telling her i'm already stressed enough can't you tell me smth uplifting but she just kept being negative & condescending #it's a little frustrating how all my exams before the finals went so good but now that it really matters everything seems to be going south #but ultimately i just want to pass everything and never set foot into this school again i can't wait for all this to be over 😪 #and sometimes i really think the girls i surround myself with at school want me to fail.. #like i often miss school bc of mental problems & sometimes i feel like they're mad that i still do well in school?? #idk maybe i'm reading too much into it but sometimes it really feels like they're waiting for my downfall #our 'friendship' is very superficial as well & i often feel left out from the group tbh #like last friday i stayed behind a little to talk to a girl & none of them waited for me even though we all go to the train station togethe #but they always wait for the other girls of the group.. #i'm not taking this too personally bc i don't see them as good or close friends & i know once school is over i won't see them again anyways #but it does hurt a little bc i'm always the odd one out who struggles to make friends no matter where i am #either way..... please please please just let me pass all of my exams & let everything fall into place in my life 🧿🧿🧿 #☁️

[rosesradio]

i: a scrapbook, worn and hoarded selfishly, because i cannot let go, though i have nothing to add. the picture inside the display has changed, though your letter remains; in the pocket of my journal, with countless others from countless others.

you: a donation box, with little hesitation. you told me once that letting go was hard; though as soon as you no longer heard my voice, you no longer heard my song. and my letter, my loving, lengthy response, ashes mingling with the dirt where it belongs.

#poetry #i guess--feel free to make fun of me lol just being a silly goose-- #i guess i no longer care in a sense but i still keep things. i don't know how i'm supposed to feel about keeping things #but my ex wrote me a letter and i still have it. but the one i gave to him. when we kinda reunited. he said he burned it. #and obviously i was hurt but i was so desperate for company i forgave him. and we had a good time #and then when we drifted apart the second time. he unliked my spotify playlist. which sounds really stupid lmao but hold on #the playlist was for my novel i'm writing. it's a whole thing. he's the first person i told about it and read some to #and he really liked it. my mom said i was 'putting too much into it' like fantasy and romance...as if every book doesn't have that... #he gave me songs for the playlist and we talked for hours and i wrote a lot to read to him. and then when everything stopped with us i kinda #stopped writing it. and he still had the playlist saved i guess which was fine. the sorta split was mutual and amicable i guess #but to see he unsaved it kinda hurt because it's like he didn't believe in me anymore? but i'm sure it's not that #maybe he just got a new girlfriend lol. i'm pretty sure that's why he burned my letter #but #i'm sure if i texted him things would have been great for a little while. but then i'd just give him another piece of my heart-- #and get burned again so. it's for the best #but i'm alright now. just reflecting #tw vent #(just in case) #rose.txt

[eggmeralda]

reading about expressive language disorder and maybe it's an explanation as to why I've never formed a full sentence in my whole life :')

#^above is literally a full sentence but that's not the point #it's still a mess of a sentence i guess #can't form a sentence without saying i guess and stuff it's like yeah but anyway all that sort of thing and like you know etc. #and i always don't know the names of objects so i just call everything a guy or a lad with some vague hand gesture #and i have never been able to easily write an essay in my whole life #and i can never hold a conversation #and i always thought it was just bc of no internal monologue but I've heard of other people who also don't have one and they can still talk #maybe this explains why i barely spoke from age 16-18 and even now i'm known for being relatively quiet #bc if i say something it'll be an incoherent ramble #not a single thought in my head <3 #this is a revelation though omg #i guess in the past few years I've become more confident with talking but it's bc I've just given up trying to make sense so now i just #idk but i just won't say the names of things I'll just point at them or i'll mix tenses up and stuff #also atm i'm basically just putting all the thoughts in these tags as they're appearing for a split second in my head so this is incoherent #but yeah anyway idk if i actually have expressive language disorder itself #but i definitely have Something #i'm thinking of other messed up language stuff like how for the past almost decade i've mixed up words and pronunciations from #other languages like the ones i learnt at school #which i cannot speak but i now know random words #so sometimes i'll just get the urge to pronounce something as it would be in spanish or whatever #and also after a while i'll just get bored of the sensation of saying a certain word so i'll change it. spice it up a bit #especially if it's a word i say a lot #so like names of characters i hyperfixate on get absolutely butchered on purpose #*looking at entry swig rokey unn bytirr 27 teed dav aoodry and bianpolay rn* #anyway this is an absolute ramble and completely going with the theme of this post i do not what i'm supposed to be saying #so i'll end it there #but anyway i love a midnight revelation <3 #ramble

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday) #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say) #and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard) #its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point. #guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over] #[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG] #so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it. #could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that. #i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition' #really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else . #it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat .. #.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before. #...... #i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me. #it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way. #anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row. #лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really) #(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently) #so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

[ashtonisvibing]

on one hand i get why sneezy is doing limited slots every few hours

on the other hand i had been refreshing the page several times over, and i finally got to put my info in, only to then be hit with "registration limit reached"

and i think i'm simply gonna scream

#ashton is talking #i now have to wait 7hrs for another opening #i get limited slots but 10 still feels so small?? #like i said i had EVERYTHING filled in i refreshed at the second registration opened #but i guess my typing was a lil too slow whoopsies! #i'm not even really that mad at the site runners but i just gotta vent out my frustration

[moe-broey]

AH I also had a thought to make a pinned (feels sacrilegious to me and the way that I am LMFAO) but not so much an introduction (that's what the bio is for that's all you get 😤😤😤) (which maybe I could update too actually 🤔) BUT

I'm a very disorganized person in general try as I might to have SOME semblance of organization. But I think it could be useful to list some tags that have specific things in them. Like I do wanna get more serious about comics/storytelling especially, plus I want to start collecting/compiling more Askr refs -- making a masterpost of where to find everything could be useful! Plus might help me figure out consistent tags for it too.

Much to think about......

#i'm just. you're getting all of me and you're getting none of me at the same time. #moe is the only person here who gets sideblog rights. becuase its become its own entity that's its blog now. #i might wanna update the pinned on that one too though actually......... #actually i should do a carrd for moe too. moe gets carrd rights bc it's a silly little guy. with SO much lore in it #LIKE i guess what i'm getting at is i want to make more information readily available/easily accessible #without having to have sideblogs about it bc. i am a normal man who is really normal. about everything regarding the self. #esp in proximity to other people i'm like super well-adjusted about it 👍 #i never want to have a dedicated artblog. the CLOSEST exception i will consider making is when i do my longer comics #that are like. several pages of stories. like maybe a comic masterpost blog that i'd store all that on. #but that is so far off in the future like i still haven't even finished that veronica comic that was intended to be a two parter #but idk even what the second part is aside from vibes LMFAOO #ENOUGH. I AM GOING TO BLEACH MY HAIR

[fezwearingjellybananas]

It was a close call after a bad morning but guess what I did yesterday

#the engineer who fixed the train and everyone who cleared the tracks yesterday need a raise right now #up until half 2 i was watching train after train get cancelled #also unable to get to the other suggested station because of a flooded road #also had to deal with the rheumatology department finally getting back to me to ask if i want to stay on the waiting list #(you have to do so many things just to login and tick a box that say yes i need an appointment still) #but the half 2 train ran! and we made it to london! and people offered me seats so i got to sit on the tube both ways #(i know i had my walking stick but usually people just give me judgemental looks i've never been offered seats before) #and we got there and they were so good the entire stadium screamed when they started sugar we're going down #and heaven iowa live is so incredibly good man i thought can it get any better? #and i don't really have a full ranking of songs but i do have a favourite and a second favourite #and then it's everything on a sliding scale depending on my mood #but i do have a second favourite it's bang the doldrums #so they start playing bang the doldrums and i'm on the edge of my seat screaming along #thinking the only way this can get any better is if they play my very favourite fall out boy song the (shipped) gold standard #but that's just a brief thought of wishful thinking that's not going to happen #so anyway it goes on everything is so good they play so much for stardust i think is this the last song it's so so good #and then then guess fucking what #guess what #'let's do a song we've never done live before' says pete and i don't really keep up with all that just albums so it could be anything #and then the first bars of the (shipped) gold standard and i almost fall out the chair holy shit #so i guess someone saw the morning i had and thought of a way to make it up to me #had to dip a couple of songs early to catch the train and ended the day in so much pain and so tired but that was so incredibly good #they played bang the doldrums and the (shipped) gold standard i'm so happy #*

[brainfullofbees]

.

#it's kinda like. since figuring out i'm arospec it's like i've just gradually been becoming more aro lol #not really interested in a romantic relationship tbh #i love kisses and cuddles and doing stuff that could be romantic if put in that context but like #it's not romantic. it doesn't feel like that and honestly i don't really want it to anymore #funny how things flipped around like that lol #i guess i'm also still coming to terms with the whole aro thing #i think it's super cool and i'm really proud of this new aspect of my identity i've learned #but i guess it's also a strange feeling to go from being obsessed with romance to being so neutral about it lol #it also makes everything else mix weird #like. i don't want a romantic relationship but if i did it would be with a girl or enby or just. idk somebody who's not a guy #but also guys can be hot!! and i'd fuck a guy! but i wouldn't wanna date one #but also i don't wanna date anybody #but also. girls... <3 #does that make sense??? #i am a queer little bitch and it's silly and fun and i like having a funky identity lol #so like. i am a lot of things but right now? i feel like aro is the top thing. the other attraction stuff is less important lol #i am aromantic first and a pan lesbian second. but aro takes up like. most of that #idk i'm sleepy and i'm rambling but main point is. I'M FUCKIN ARO BABYY AND THAT'S COOL AS SHIT #(greyromantic and quoiromantic specifically but that's very wordy lol) #and finding this out has been so good for me. i feel so much better about myself now #i have a better understanding of my relationships with people now. i can actually start to parse out the difference between ''i want to do- #-romance things with this person'' and ''i wanna be really close to this person somhow'' ?! #GOD do you know how many times i've thought i've had crushes on people just because i was becoming closer friends with them???? #amd now that shit is easier to figure out!! #it's fucking freeing!! #good shit :) #okay i go sleepy lol