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nherizu · 2 years

Text

Oikage | PG | 1 .7k words | CW: Panic Attacks

Betaread by @dragonwarriorwriter ❤

As a child, Tobio had been told to think carefully before committing to anything. It wasn't a big deal. Tobio had only ever committed to volleyball, and he didn’t have to think long to decide he wanted to play volleyball. It had always been a part of him, anyway.

Only now, Tobio realized, he had neglected to follow his grandfather’s advice.

When Oikawa Tooru first came into his life after years of not being in contact, Tobio didn’t think too much of it. After all, they were both heartbroken, left to taste the bitterness of having unrequited feelings for their best friends. Tobio had never been a romance expert, and that his crush for Hinata was one-sided was more painful than he had expected. He hadn’t been prepared, and Oikawa, who had returned home for Iwaizumi’s birthday after a long absence, was there when Tobio broke down.

Not that Tobio cried or anything. But Oikawa had always been good at reading people, and Tobio knew that Oikawa was also nursing his broken heart. It was never a secret how Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi since middle school. Tobio wondered if Iwaizumi was aware of Oikawa’s feelings. Looking at how happy he was introducing his girlfriend to everyone at the party, Tobio doubted it.

Maybe Tobio knew because he always looked at Oikawa. Always, even now. Even after their unspoken arrangement.

They met in Italy, sometimes in Argentina, and sometimes in other countries where one of them had a match. Tobio had stopped questioning it. They weren’t in a relationship, yet they came to each other’s games whenever their schedules allowed. And yet they spent the night at each other’s place. Everything just happened. Except, they never called, never planned anything together. They didn’t contact each other after returning to their own schedules. They didn’t speak about it, didn’t even acknowledge it.

And it hurt.

It hurt a lot more than the first time Tobio heard Hinata say his girlfriend’s name. Worse than Tobio’s attempts to forget.

Each time he parted ways with Oikawa, it gnawed at his heart, leaving it empty despite knowing he would see him again.

Tobio sighed and screwed the cap on his water bottle. He saw Hinata and Kuroo talking, a huge smile on Hinata’s lips; his voice carried his excitement about the all-star match. The gym was mostly empty now that the practice had ended, but some athletes from both teams still lingered. Between the sounds of balls, Hinata’s laughter echoed slightly. And like this, Hinata remained the same person Tobio had once fallen for. Kind, bright, a bit of a dumbass. Someone whose happiness was contagious, even to Tobio.

Tobio wondered if there would come a day when he could see Oikawa like this. Without hurting, without hoping for him to realize that Tobio felt more deeply about him than he ever had about anyone else.

“What’re you looking at, Tobio-chan?”

Tobio looked beside him to find Oikawa standing there, arms crossed and back against the wall. His hair was slick with sweat, his eyes slightly narrowed, and Tobio’s heart did an involuntary flip.

“Nothing. Are you done practicing?”

“Mm.”

Oikawa turned his gaze away, his fingers twitching even as they grasped his own arms. Tobio frowned. Oikawa was always like this whenever he was agitated.

“Are you okay?” Tobio asked, then felt like an idiot when he followed Oikawa’s line of sight. Of course, Iwaizumi was on the phone at the far end of the gym, his face lit up. Must have been his girlfriend, then. Tobio bit his lip, hoping his voice wouldn’t crack when he asked, “Do you… do you want to leave?”

“Do you want to?”

That caught Tobio off guard. He tilted his head. “Me? I’m okay, but–”

“Yeah, I figured,” Oikawa said. He looked over Tobio’s shoulder at something, and Tobio had to wrack his brain to remember who was behind him. Before Tobio could ask what Oikawa meant, though, Oikawa sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Sorry. I think I want to leave. Come with me?”

Tobio nodded. Oikawa didn’t need to ask, but Tobio was glad he did, anyway. “I’ll get my stuff first. Can you wait?”

“Yeah.”

Tobio walked over to the bench and stuffed his water bottle into his sports bag. There it was again, the twinge in his heart. It was subtle at first, yet became impossible to ignore as time passed. Tobio swallowed the lump in his throat and zipped his bag.

“Bakageyama! Going home?” Hinata shouted. “Let’s race to–”

“Shut up,” Tobio muttered. His instinct was to respond to the challenge, a habit he had honed over years of friendship with Hinata. But Oikawa was here, and Tobio suddenly lost the energy to indulge Hinata in silly competitions. “Not now, Dumbass.”

There was a glint of something in Hinata’s eyes as he heard him. Tobio didn’t bother to read what it was. “'Kay,” he said. “Take care, Kageyama-kun!”

Tobio shrugged and gave Kuroo a curt nod. He discreetly tried to leave without alerting the others. The last thing he wanted now was to catch anyone’s attention.

Oikawa was waiting for him outside the gym, and they changed their clothes in silence in the locker room. This, too, was normal. They never showed any closeness in front of others, though they didn’t hide it either. People just assumed they had a terrible relationship, which was fine.

Actually, were they even close…?

The silence stretched even more unbearably once they got in Tobio’s car. Tobio’s palms felt clammy. He clutched at the fabric covering his chest every time the traffic light turned red.

“Stop that face. You can drop me off at my hotel,” Oikawa said.

“What? Why?”

“You don’t look like you want me to be here.”

Tobio almost lost his grip on the gear before he caught himself. “That’s not true.”

He heard Oikawa sigh beside him. “Look, I understand. It’s hard, I know.” Then, more softly, “It is for me, too.”

And just like that, the image of Iwaizumi on the phone with his girlfriend flashed through Tobio’s mind. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “So you prefer to be alone.”

“If you’re like this, then yeah.”

“You’re blaming me.” Tobio’s head reeled. He might have let out a pathetic whimper as he tried to concentrate on the road, but he couldn’t even recognize his own voice as he said, “What are we doing?”

That seemed to have caught Oikawa off guard.

“What are we doing, Oikawa-san?”

“Tobio-chan….”

“Answer me, Oikawa-san.”

“Tobio, stop the car.”

“I’m asking–”

“No, stop the car!”

Tobio slammed on the brakes, a screeching sound piercing his eardrums. His heart hammered in his chest, his eyes wide. The car stopped just short of an electricity pole. The road was thankfully empty as they approached the neighborhood where Tobio’s apartment was, but it was frightening to think that Tobio had lost his mind for a moment. His fingers were trembling and turning white from gripping the wheel too tightly.

Then his world went dark. Dark and terrifying, and Tobio couldn’t stop thinking about how he almost put Oikawa in danger if he continued—

Tobio wheezed, the sounds seeming like a broken kettle in his ears. His stomach churned with dread.

Something touched his shoulder. Gently, slowly, the touch moved to his fingers, coaxing them to relax. Then Oikawa’s voice registered in his mind. “Tobio.”

Tobio let go of the wheel. The shaking took over his entire body, and Tobio might have let out a protest. He couldn’t know. His chest hurt, his ears rang, and his face felt as though someone had just slapped him. Everything was spinning. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t feel anything, he couldn’t—

“Tobio-chan.” Oikawa cupped Tobio’s face, staring‌ at him levelly. Oikawa’s eyes were searching, his brow furrowed. “Take a deep breath.”

Tobio wanted to laugh. Oikawa’s voice, his touch, his expression. Everything was clear for Tobio even now when the world was a blur, and the only sounds he could produce were choked whimpers.

“Breathe with me. Listen to me,” Oikawa said. He kissed Tobio’s forehead. His cheeks, his eyelids. Featherlight and hesitant. “Stop thinking.”

And just like always, Tobio listened. To the voice that had filled his youth with awe. The voice that came from the man who still awed Tobio even now. Tobio tried to breathe despite the burning in his chest, and the world exploded in white as the air filled his lungs.

“Good boy,” Oikawa said, a whisper in Tobio’s ear. “Keep up with me. Feel my breathing, Tobio-chan.”

Tobio brought his hands to clasp at Oikawa’s back and pressed their bodies together.

"Can you understand me, Tobio?"

Tobio nodded.

"Okay, good," Oikawa said. "Good. Then maybe later…." He stopped, unsure. His fingers stroked the back of Tobio's nape. It was when Tobio was beginning to calm down that he continued, “We’ll talk about it later. We’ll sort this out. Your feelings for Chibi-chan... we can talk more about it if you want.”

The reality came crashing down suddenly. It was as if Tobio's heart had just stopped beating. Oikawa still thought everything was because of Hinata.

But could he really blame Oikawa? When Tobio was the one who let Oikawa think that way? The one who kept his feelings a secret and never corrected Oikawa whenever he brought up this topic? And it was all because he feared losing Oikawa if the truth got out.

That Tobio was in love, but not with Hinata.

Tobio bit his lip and rested his cheek on Oikawa’s shoulder. The warmth of Oikawa’s answering embrace immediately surrounded him, and Tobio had to hold back another sob. He had to.

“Thank you…, Oikawa-san.”

Oikawa tightened his hug.

Tobio slumped and closed his eyes. A tear slid down his cheek in a silent cry.

Someday. Maybe someday, he would tell Oikawa. But for now, just for now, he wanted to be with Oikawa even just a second longer. Even if he had to live in lies.

Please.

Just for now.

//Fin//

Link to AO3: here.

#oikage #kageoi #haikyuu!!#oikawa tooru #kageyama tobio

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