#My true self cannot be with you

[imaybe5tupid]

Why bother? (Why bother?) It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.) It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!) -You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)

Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.

#laishuro #laios touden #i make a lot of jokes on here since part of the fun of this blog for me is limiting myself to only expressing ideas via drawings #as much as I can to try to see what I can try to convey in the limited time I have to draw each day which is sometimes like 15minutes #but laios idea of who shuro was to him and who he continues to be and how it ties into his own feelings of self worth and self hatred #not to mention being so thoroughly defined by having never been indulged before by the men in his life #are so compelling to me #and then of course you mix in toshiros own mind prisons #and their established dynamic of him begrudgingly putting up with him because he feels he has to and bc hes cursed with obedience #whilst laios genuinely thinks shuro does it because he likes it and likes laios because why else would anyone act like that #when everyone else in his life has not hesitated to Let Him Know #this is what is so fun about relationships like this…forever passing by each other’s true feelings like ships in the night #and on toshiros side umineko said it best People are riddles. They want someone else to solve their riddle #they live life wanting someone to solve the riddle that they are #the most difficult riddle in the world #without love the truth cannot be seen sighhhh many such cases #sometimes i get embarassed how deep i get for some of the characters in this series it really is that deep sometimes but not always #but WHATEVER #i never even engaged in or was interested in shipping the several years i read dunmeshi EXCEPT laishuro lol #which i sadistically wanted to stay one sided and miserable forever. I rarely get fed such genuinely fraught dynamics as their one in manga #so i became obsessed #and walked through the desert alone for 40 years and then checked in as anime started airing that other people ship this and gaf #and decided to unleash the jokes and ideas that my like 2 friend who like anime previously suffered alone as though they were jesus christ #now tho as much as I still enjoy tragedy and pain and emotional suffering I’ve let love and peace and requited fulfilled yaoi into my life #with laishuro. and its great! #my comics

[ataykiri]

Our stay on this earth is so so short, we’re in such a dream state that we keep forgetting this truth

#there’s this girl in my area who died two days ago just like that #collapsed due to the heat and then had a heart attack and died #الله يرحمها #she’s like 19/20 #people our age are dying right next to us #yet we think we’re safe and still have time to improve to change to repent #what great regret it’ll be if we don’t die in the state of true sincere repentance but in one of ghaflah and self deception and sin #being consumed by your nafs by this world and sucked into it #اللهم اني اسالك حسن الخاتمة #we’re so lost in our worldly struggles and ideas and desires that we forget what we’re here for #you can live on this earth and engage with people and enjoy your stay even if you always keep your heart in check and your deeds aligned #with what Allah swt wants #you can turn all your actions into worship by having the right intention #eating sleeping -> to gain strength for worship and be of benefit for people #studying working -> learn about the beauty and intricacy that Allah has put into His creation #work to achieve what Allah has written for you #that’s true life connecting everything to the Creator the One who gave us life #everything else is just deception and will go to waste #and cannot be called a true life

[eyrieofsynapses]

good evening, all. it is May the 25th. our lilacs are blooming, just as the ones at the Watch House did. and I am thinking about remembrance of the fallen, and GNU, and the love in commemoration.

y'know, I read Night Watch… oh, maybe a year ago and some months ago. and the lilac symbolism, the remembrance of the Watch, has always struck me with the depth of the emotion of it, the tangibility of it in the flowers. but I wasn't aware that today was the day until I saw commemorative posts, all that gorgeous artwork and more, on my dash.

I was also not aware, until now, that fans commemorated the day not only because of the book reference, but in support of Terry Pratchett and of those with Alzheimer's. which knocked me over a bit because of course, of course the group that would use GNU to honor him would do that. and… I've been thinking about GNU a lot, lately, and this caught me again.

I read Going Postal a bit ago, and reread it recently. both times, the parts about GNU made me tear up. this idea of the names, the memories, the lives of the clacks workers who dedicated themselves to ensuring that people heard each other's voices—all those names spoken again and again and again by that which they poured their souls into, winging along in the air as they could not, an eternal reminder that they were loved—how could that not touch a person's heart?

when I found out that fans online used it to memorialize him, I damn well cried. hell, I still tear up just thinking about it. do you know, there's a code for an HTTP header "X-Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett" written by Reddit users to put in webpages, where it goes unseen by the average user? and in 2015, when Netcraft took a survey, there were eighty-four thousand websites using it? it's eight years later—how many thousands upon thousands of websites have this now, do you think? how many little cables of light has his name flown along, now? how many times?

that alone is absurdly and unimaginably lovely in its own right, but… there's something else to it. there's something about remembering with the lilac sprigs every year, just as Vimes and those who were there remembered their dead. something about how, when we take up our lilac sprigs, we carry a little piece of the characters in our hearts, too. I kept trying to put my finger on why that makes me tear up the way it does. the conclusion I came to is this:

what greater way to honor a writer is there, but to honor them the way they did the characters they poured their heart and soul into? what better way to say we know you and you are not forgotten and your work and words and gifts to the world are held in our hearts forever than to remember them by their own words, their own vision? how else could we say you embodied all the good you believed in and wished to see in the world, but to memorialize them after the little pieces of their soul they wrapped in ink and put upon the page?

it is a knowing of the writer, to remember them in their way. it is not a worn-out faceless platitude, but a reminder that their work has been read and will continue to be, that the characters and world they loved enough to bring to life last just as their name does. such remembrance is warm and loving and delights in their memory even as it grieves.

and now Pratchett's name has been written in his tradition, over and over and over, across the vast plane of the Internet, where it will—with any luck—continue to fly for generations to come.

there is no way to truly express the beauty of that… but perhaps we can catch a glimpse of it in the lilacs, both ours and the Watch's.

#the glorious 25th of may #night watch #gnu terry pratchett #discworld #I cannot express how much I love that our lilacs bloom at the same time as they do in the books #also I dearly wanted to include this little fact in my accidental monologue but it didn't fit. so in the tags it goes: #GNU Terry Pratchett is ALSO a Minecraft splash text #which is just. aaaaaaaaaaah of course a game with something like the End Poem would do that but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah #I have many feelings on this and a decent summary of a lot of them is about the beauty of how humanity remembers and loves our dead #and also just... the love. the love that can be held for someone you never met #but whose writing and words can pierce your heart in the best of ways #and the love for characters--for the best of them are these little shards of the writer's soul that they decided to share #because that's really the nature of writing. baring your soul and your self to others in those persons you breathe to life on the page #and then sharing it with others just in hopes that it might ring true and inspire them #give them insight #help them in ways no one else could because only YOU could write that character and share that part of yourself #and by gods if Pratchett isn't among the best at that then I don't know who is #anyway. I have feelings and I accidentally turned them into a monologue whoo #have a good evening all

[izzyspussy]

i think a lot of people have never been in a truly desperate situation but think they have, and this causes them to pass really harsh judgment on people who made bad choices when either irrational or having no good choices to pick instead, and i really wish people could get some fucking self-perception and work on their compassion skills and not fucking do that as much anymore

#jack facts #people be banging on about empathy this empathy that #and like sure maybe people have a measurable capacity for it but i can tell you what #that sure as fuck don't mean any fucking one of them ever bothers to make use of it when it matters lol #and i mean on the other hand it's hard to conceptualize how you would feel going through something you've never experienced before #i just wish people would be AWARE of the fact they don't know! #or like that there's a difference between ''i can't afford anything but instant ramen'' and ''i can't get any food or water'' #or a difference between being freaked out by spiders and having clinical arachnophobia #or a difference between ''my loved one is sick and i'm really worried about them'' and ''my loved one is dying in front of me'' #etc etc etc etc etc #anyway the longer i live the more i'm convinced that empathy is a garbage concept #and actually a more reliable way to act with true compassion is through at least some capacity for relative objectivity #the ability to say ''i don't know how that feels and i cannot understand it through comparison'' and to be able AND WILLING #to take people's self reports on their feelings thought processes or lackthereof in good faith and with sympathy #and also the ability to acknowledge that doing a bad thing for good reasons does not negate the bad thing being bad #but also should and does change what consequences are appropriate and/or most effective #and also like............... things people do in desperation or other irrational states do not represent Who They Are As A Person #or what it's like to hang out with them in a day to day situation #another thing i keep getting more and more aware of is like. if y'all can't even handle an irrational or impulsive choice that does harm #done by an otherwise ''good'' person under short term desperate situations #that they then do their best to reduce the harm of after the situation is over #i can not even imagine how absolutely unforgiving you must be of anyone who has delusions #and i mean real delusions and real psychosis not the hyperbolic babytalk version lol #like i don't think most of you even know what the fuck a delusion even is the way you act about things as simple & straightforward as like #fear. hunger. pain. #absolutely fucking exhausting

[winepresswrath]

An important thing about Aziraphale is that he cares so much about being good, but also, he is only ok at it. Not terrible! Just mediocre. Very brave and trying his absolute best with mixed results. To paraphrase the book, neither fundamentally good nor fundamentally bad but fundamentally Aziraphale. He is however trying very hard to save the entire planet and that is really very lovely of him and should count for a lot, especially because his hot not-boyfriend finally made a move after six thousand horny, horny years and he could easily have chosen to get really spectacularly laid instead of reviewing organizational flowcharts and being trapped in meetings with people who hate each other only slightly less than they hate him.

#what he is actively quite bad at #in my opinion at least #is being a friend/boyfriend/codependent romantic bestie #To be fair to him he has never tried to be good at this before #he has spent the vast majority of his relationship with Crowley denying and downplaying that relationship #sometimes because he's afraid of external consequences (reasonable! so reasonable) #sometimes because he's afraid that it's actually Wrong to love him much less side with him (make up your mind dude you've been thwarting #god's will together since 2500 bce apparently) #but how do you get into the habit of being good to someone under those conditions? #metaphorical internalized homophobia that cannot help but be externalized onto the object of your affections rings sadly true #like it is just very hard to be decent to someone when you're genuinely afraid that there might be something fundamentally broken and evil #in them especially if you're also afraid the same thing might be broken and evil in you . #when you are afraid that extending empathy and understanding to someone else is just self indulgence and selfish gratification of your own #desires it is very easy to sabotage your better impulses #and it's not that Aziraphale doesn't basically know this is bullshit but imo that is why the idea of Crowley as an Angel again is such #a relief to him and he genuinely manages to convince himself it can fix everything #but that is not the same thing as Aziraphale going back to heaven! #good omens

[scribbles-n-lines]

evil papyrus: I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THAT. I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU. YOUR PROGRESSION AS A PERSON WILL REMAIN STAGNANT FOREVER NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY

evil papyrus: TCH. YOU DIDN'T DO A VIOLENCE. I'M GOING TO BLAST YOU TO SHREDS

#i need to get these shitposts out of my system otherwise they will fester and plant themselves in my brain like a plant that only grows stro #nger and stronger until i cannot tug it out without ripping brain in half #evil sans: the birds are silent its cloudy and kids like you should be rising to heaven #evil sans: enemy. youd be alive where you sit #evil alphys: i love myself #evil papyrus: I WOULD HATE TO MEET DEATH #evil papyrus: UNDYNE I HATE GRILLBYS ITS SO GREASY AND I AM TELLING YOU THIS AND BEING HONEST INSTEAD OF MASKING MY TRUE FEELINGS TO MAKE MY #SELF SEEM MORE LIKE YOU AND INTURN MORE WORTHY OF BEING YOUR FRIEND. I WILL UNASHAMINGLY DISAGREE WITH YOU AND YOUR WRETCHED LOVE FOR GREASE

[inthegardenpraying]

"Do you think I seek the death of all living things? There is no victory in such things. I do not want to win our war like this, little Jedi. When I win, I wish it to be because I was right, my teachings true." | "Direct action is not always the best way. It is a far greater victory to make another see through your eyes than to close theirs forever." | -Knights of the Old Republic II: Kreia/Darth Traya/Arran Kae

#the truth #kotor 2 #knights of the old republic #this is my weapon against all living things that defy the truth but when accepted is a weapon for the other person too #if it doesn't align with the truth then it is weakness #this is because you can't reason with someone who doesn't side with the truth even with it being self-evident or strong in evidence #they must use force #they must use tyranny #they must use dominance to get their way #it cuts one way and does not hurt the wielder unless the other person cannot handle the truth and turns to force to get their way in spite #people grow older and older and their truth versus the truth will die as the truth lives on after their death #it takes courage to face what is true despite what we believe and even then their maybe a higher truth behind that truth #you never lose if you side with the truth #being wrong doesn't hurt you if the goal is for the truth and not about winning #everything you fought for is preserved and is why ideas are so powerful. #Ideas transcend life and death

[bitegore]

Genuinely fucking batshit how some people will act as though the bare minimum level of care + respect for the people around them with different problems is like, an insurmountable fucking bar

#red rambles #ok yes yes i do actually have relatively severe brain problems that sometimes desperately need to be accommodated in person or i flip out #so maybe my perspective is different. but i think if you cannot even make a lip service attempt to accomodate your friends and peers when #they ask you not to talk about something with them or to try to avoid bringing up certain topics this is like not hard. there are many #harder things i like. id say i ask of people but that's not true since i know i never get it so i just self isolate . lol #but you see the point right #'ohhhh how could i do that' its not hard you simply think with your brain #'ohhh but what if it's annoying' well you just suck. like as a person #dont talk to them then. you don't get to have it both ways #eta. if you think this is specifically talking about you you are categorically wrong. this post was inspired by a really annoying #character i made up in a dream who was a dick to my friends so i killed them with a hammer. this is not like. a person i know irl #however if you feel like this is about you it is possible you're doing wrong by the people around you in which case like. like i said. bare #minimum is not to take people you are in active conversation with on subjects they don't want to talk about and def not to do it repeatedly.

[knifewieldingenby]

A friend and I (well, more like an affection) starting watching ofmd together, and I'd always casually referenced it as the gay pirate show, as one does. But she's so fucking keen and she sees through things so fast. After two episodes she turned to me and said "everyone just calls it the gay pirate show. Why did no one tell me that this show deals with deconstructing toxic masculinity and trauma? This is so compelling and important, why did no one tell me?" And ever since then, when I'm trying to talk someone into watching the show, I mention it.

#this is so random but #My brain always comes back to that moment #god I wish every one of you could spend half an hour in her presence #one-on-one #she has a way of looking into your soul #reaching inside you #and pulling your true self right out of you #in so little time #and then she tells you how beautiful that true self is #and really can anyone blame me for falling for this girl? #(the answer is no. they cannot. they told me so last night lol) #lex rambles

[freepassbound]

First of all, I want to thank you for the april asks idea. This is so lovely, and though I am late to the party, I'll still try to participate every day. The convenient list of ask games is also very thoughtful :) I'll be reblog these, and as a personal rule, I pose (at least) one question of every list to the person I've reblogged from. Therefore, would you mind answering the following:

How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody?Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better?

Thank you and have a nice day 🧡

Oh! You're quite welcome! 😊

Though boy... stepping right in with the big questions! 😮‍💨

Truthfully, I have little confidence that I am in touch with my emotions well enough to actually know the answer to either of them. But I'll give it a go.

How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody?

I don't think I'm really aware of it as it's happening? The only answer I can think of is to glibly paraphrase Hemingway on bankruptcy: slowly, then all at once. The 'slowly' part is what I'm not aware of, and it's happening while I'm getting to know them, while we're talking, while we're exchanging memes and whatever... and then I wake up one day and realize I love this person.

I think certainly it is dependent on some level of interaction with another person - I might feel fondly about some people I've never directly interacted with, but I don't think I could love them. And I think it's also dependent on the amount and the quality of the interaction.

Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better?

I don't believe they can be quantified in opposition to each other. They're two very different feelings, and they're both absolutely wonderful.

#I could get all cliché and say how one is like a rush of blood to the head #while the other is a warm glow #but I think the truth is more that they are both mutually dependent #you cannot have the latter without the former #and then what is the true worth of the former if it never leads to the latter? #and then there's the idea of... what's that post? #loving someone for years means falling in love with every different iteration of them #so maybe they can both keep happening #that's certainly the dream #does that concept apply to all the different kinds of love? #in the first answer I am addressing more than romantic love #though it applies to that as well #anyway... as mentioned I don't know that I have confidence in my ability to talk about this #between what I see as my lack of emotional self-awareness #and a dearth of experience #plus the always extant anxiety #but thank you for the question #and thank you very much for liking the 'Asks April' idea 😊 #asks

[idontdrinkgatorade]

i can’t imagine having a crush on someone you hardly know

#this is mostly bc my friend told me that someone else asked her (on behalf of a friend) if i was dating anybody #like broskie idrc but i guarantee you that unless you are one of my closest friends then you know virtually nothing about me #ik that i’m often perceived as cishet bc but like i don’t tell anybody anything about myself #nobody knows that i’m a nerd about linguistics or an artist or that i like vocal synths and rpg maker games #or that i listen mostly to foreign music or that i’m neurodivergent or that i have a fucking tumblr account or that i’m fucking QUEER #(except for friends) #what do people even perceive me as? like if i asked someone to guess my music taste what would they say? #i can guarantee that my perceived self is entirely different from my actual self #listen this might just be the ace/aro-ness speaking but like i genuinely cannot fathom why you would like someone without knowing them #sorry but i think that if you like me without knowing me then you’ll probably be disappointed by my true personality. sorry not sorry #and i’m not changing for someone else’s ideals. either deal with it or find someone else #anyways props to my friend for responding to the text with ‘idk it’s not my business’ and the. immediately telling me lmao #common [friend name] W #i can now be mentally prepared if someone approaches me about it

[4giorno]

i got the cutscene <3

#its actually crazy that there was even more content i missed that impacted the story this much #like this rlly illustrated how even tho my character and astari0n have both become better people astari0n is still so behind in that #(we know why ofc. hes still acting like a feral cat trying to self preservere with teeth and nail and all until the very end; the ritual) #my character had his most obvious 'shifting point' at the transition from act 2 to act 3 #like he fully realized that this is now truly bigger than himself. he has left marks on the lands and he has to go all the way #he has made true friends. one of his best friends is the kindest most compassionate person in the world #and very importantly he loves astari0n and THAT is the reason he now feels this actual compassion towards the other spawn #hes so personally invested in this issue now #and he can say that 'the world can be a wonderful place if you find your home in it astari0n' bc its something he has just recently had #a personal revelation abt #and astari0n deflects it and describes my character as someone who now 'spends their life sorting out other peoples problems' #and it rlly brings it to focus that he just cannot meet him where hes at anymore #just great conflict that feels actually meaningful and perfectly fits into the roleplay storyline ive made for my character #and omg the line 'im doing this for you too you know. to make sure were both safe. forever' from astari0n is just AAAAAAHDJJDJD. CRAZY #bc we know how toxic he becomes towards you if he completes the ritual!!!!!! #HHHHH this character!!!!! hes just MWAH. perfection #i cant wait until i get to doing the szarr palace again bc this added conflict will make the conclusion of this quest even more satisfying #anyway TOTAL tonal shift time. in start of the cutscene astari0n is standing next to the bed my character was sleeping in #so i can now have the hc that some nights they sleep in the same bed <3 #(WELL. you know. my character sleeps while he meditates)

[a-pirate]

I think one of my worst traits is not believing people. Thinking "they're just saying that and don't mean it."

#whenever someone compluments me or claims they want to hear more about something its like #no? no you dont? you dont actually care? #when its objectively unfair to think these things #but i cannot navigate my way out of the mondset #its the worst when i share creativity #cause it holds people to a standard they dont even know exists #'i shared this thing but no one responded in a way they responded to someone else so that proves they dont care about you or your thing' #and it starts the cycle of self hatred #you dont deserve to be in this space people say they care about you but they dont thats not true yes it is no its not yes it is no yes no #over and fucking over #and it makes me feel like a shitty fucking person #how dare i claim my friends are lying #how dare i let that be the default #because they care #no they dont yes they do no they dont yes they do

[superkitten-poison]

what you need to understand about cwilbur is that when it came to l'manberg he was imposter syndrome personified. l'manberg itself was good (AHEM. IT WAS TOMMY) but everything about his leadership was not. he didn't know what he was doing, he was in over his head, he projected confidence for the sake of the people but he was a fraud, he led his army to a losing battle that got all of them killed, and the only way they got independence was because his little brother traded music discs for it. his citizens voted him off the country along with the one person he needed to protect the most. he was a failure.

but when it came to pogtopia,., he was damn good at being the villain. he was unpredictable, terrifying, unstoppable (or close to it) because the weight was off his shoulders. everything he was failing at was flipped on his head. he didn't have to protect a country, or the people he loves. he had to destroy it, all of it, and let people see him for who he really is (a ticking time bomb). and he did. he couldnt call l'manberg his he will call its crater. he couldnt be the one to bring his people peace he will bring them war. it feels like how it was always meant to be. finally something he can succeed in

#cwilbur my cwilbur. i cannot describe you in words only paragraphs #dsmp #dream smp #c!wilbur #wilbur soot #jesus christ that man #the belief that being his 'true self' is being as destructive and selfish as he can is what makes cwil so willgrahamcode[Gets shot]

[drunk-poets-society]

The thought of going to college is filling me with immense despair and I’m half thinking of dropping out

#I cant do this anymore godammit #i want to SCREAM #I know shipping characters won’t pay the bills but I wish it did #I just wish things weren’t hard anymore I want to play on easy mode. a tutorial mode even. I just. don’t want to do this anymore #I don’t want to! I cant! i cannot!!!! I am sick of disappointing people! I’m sick SICK SICK OF IT! #just another month I’ll be through with this I say #gosh I just need to hold out for just that much longer #I hate when people keep expectations from me! I hate it! Stop it!! stop telling me that I have the ‘capacity to do well’ I don’t! I am #exhausted and average at best! there is nothing I am outstanding in! I am just average! stop stop stop stop expecting that I’ll do something #remarkable in life when I’m just looking forward to dying as soon as possible! stop it! stop it!! #it drives me insane I want to punch a wall it’s driving me INSANE #I am average at everything ok? I’ve made my peace with it. I’m not destined for greater things. I’m studying for a pretty worthless degree. #I don’t even want this degree. I didn’t even choose it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t! I really don’t. #it drives me insane whenever people tell me that I don’t give my 100% in my academics. yes I don’t. I don’t because if I do I will self #destruct. last time I gave it my all I became so severely depressed that I quit everything I quit doing everything I loved. it was horrible #I gave it my all in the way people want you to and the whole time I was suffering and then I failed #it really does affect you when you for once try your absolute best and the result you get is worse than if you didn’t try at all #I was better off slacking. so ever since I’ve done the bare minimum and come to terms with the fact that I am average at best and I’m much #better off being average at best instead of being an absolute failure after doing my absolute best #they say that school doesn’t matter in the long run I hope it’s true because those scars haven’t faded still #the brain damage was irreparable #eugh I hate it here #delete later

[mossytrashcan]

i’ll discuss economics with you. well, you can talk and i’ll listen and ask questions cuz i know nothing about economics. (idk why i can’t see that post anymore, tumblr has it out for me i swear)

it’s not up because I DELETED IT. being an artist has given me a supernatural ability to tell when a post is going to reinvent the word failure for me

#also the thing about economics is that you can’t really have a discussion about it w someone who doesn’t understand #because it’s literally fake it’s totally bullshit and fails like all of the time #but my god I cannot emphasize how baffling the feudalism bartering roommate slavery self sustained economic combo is #like it’s so bad I do not want to believe she actually wrote that #like I need to be missing something #this is my lovecraftian unfathomable cosmic horror #my brain does not want to live in a world where this is true #it’s also weird because it is literally just the spring court #and they have A singular village #there’s literally no need for any of this shit oh my god #you could’ve just made tamlin okay with slavery in the first book and made rhysand the anti slavery one like what