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canonicallyobserving911 · 2 years

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Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #9

Is it possible the CANON references to Eddie’s heart started before season 4? Heart Reference #9

There were many references to Eddie’s heart included at the end of season 4 and they continued throughout season 5. But what if the references began during season 2 and continued through season 5? Let’s review the ninth reference to Eddie’s heart which included him finally making a decision for himself to follow his heart by breaking up with his girlfriend.

5x3 “Desperate Measures”

The blackout ended and the 118 started preparing to go home to their families. When Eddie came out of the showers, Buck asked him if Christopher knew he was coming and Eddie said “Not yet. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to say when I get home...To Ana”. Then he walked away while Buck looked at him with a surprised and interested look on his face. When Buck arrived at his loft, Taylor wasn’t there so he went upstairs and plopped on his bed, turned on the TV and that’s where he saw Taylor. She was working and he then said, “Hi honey, I’m home”.

When Eddie made it home, he sat at the table with Ana and Christopher and watched them while they were eating the muffins Ana had baked. She talked about how she never realized that canned fruit was not as bad as she had originally thought. Then she passed her fork, which had a berry on it, to Christopher so that he could try it and Eddie watched her do it. His facial expression changed from a smile to a grimace. Eddie then told her she didn’t have to do all of that cooking but Christopher said, “Let’s make brownies next” and she laughed then responded, “You know I think we need to clean that kitchen first”. Eddie looked pained and then he said, “Maybe you should go home first”. Ana looked shocked but Eddie continued, “I mean you’ve been stuck here for days. I’m sure you want to get back to your own place and have some time for yourself”. Ana responded with, “Yeah. Right, yeah.” She explained how she wanted to clean up the disaster in the kitchen first and then she got up from the table. She went into the kitchen and Eddie followed her but when she started to clean up, he told her not to worry about it. She explained that since he had been working for several days straight, he shouldn’t have had to come home to a messy kitchen. He closed the door so that Christopher wouldn’t hear their conversation and she started rambling about the dishwasher working and how she missed the air conditioner. Eddie then said, “Ana. Ana. Stop! We need to talk” and she replied, “Those four words.” He suggested they sit down and that’s when she got angry and started telling him how he was fine and that he wasn’t going to panic because his heart rate was ok. He said, “What do you mean?” and she said, “You know what I mean. I don’t want you to panic when you think about me. Or when you think about having a future with me. I can’t…I can’t take that”. He explained how he thought it would work because of the idea of them and then after he said, “Christopher loves you so much. I just thought…” and she responded with “That, eventually you would too”. He said, “I should have said something sooner” and she replied, “Yeah. You probably should have. Well, I’m sorry about the mess, but I guess it’s your mess now”. Then he said, “Right, yeah I guess it is”. She started to cry and told him that he was an amazing father and explained how she was going to go say goodbye to Christopher. Then she rubbed her hand up and down his arm and said, “Adios Edmundo” and then she kissed him next to his mouth. She exited the kitchen but Eddie remained in the kitchen with his back against the refrigerator.

Parallels

Eddie went home vs. Buck went to a place he hasn’t considered to be his home for years

Eddie went home to the “ready-made family” he never intended to build so that he could breakup with his girlfriend. It was his first step towards following his heart (Buck). Buck didn’t have a family to go home to like the rest of the 118 did because he was still in a relationship with Taylor. Since he’s been a part of the family Eddie chose for years, he couldn’t go to the place he considered to be his home since they both had messes to clean up before they could start a relationship (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck said, “This is Eddie’s house, I’m not really a guest” for information on how Buck thinks of Eddie’s house as his home).

Eddie starts to follow his heart

Eddie’s decision to finally end his relationship with Ana was his first step towards following his heart. Him breaking up with her was important because he made the decision on his own without anyone interfering. While it’s true that Buck told him he should end things with her since Eddie wasn’t all in, the decision to breakup was Eddie’s and that was after he told Buck he was planning to stick it out with her (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Breakups-Eddie & Ana vs. Buck & Taylor” for more information on Eddie’s first time breaking up with someone). Eddie spent years trying to do what other people told him he should do to build a perfect family but if he had continued to follow their advice, he would have built the type of family they believed he should have instead of the one he wanted (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Women pursued Buck, while Eddie was pushed towards women” for more information on the conversations Eddie had regarding him having a relationship with Ana). He wants the family he chose and built with Buck but before he could bring his family back together, he had to end things with Ana first.

Ana suspected that Eddie was going to breakup with her when she showed up at the firehouse unannounced and uninvited; therefore their breakup was not a surprise. He was still unsure about his decision to end things with her until she tried to feed Christopher like he was a baby bird by handing him her fork with a berry on it. That’s what upset him and his facial expression showed it. He made the decision to end it right then because the idea of her being there with him and Christopher had just made him uncomfortable.

Eddie has always kept a protective wall around Christopher and he was hesitant in 2x2 “7.1” to tell Buck that he had a son but Buck got past Eddie’s wall of protection when he stepped in as a co-parent. Before Eddie started dating Ana, Buck was the only person to get behind that wall and he brought Carla with him when he introduced her to Eddie. When Shannon returned, it took Eddie several weeks before he allowed her to see Christopher and she was his mother. Therefore Buck and Carla are the only two people who aren’t related to him that he trusts with Christopher. He was never uncomfortable when he left Christopher with Buck and he told him there was no one else in the world he trusted with Christopher more than him. Eddie said that after Christopher and Buck had been separated during the Tsunami when he took Christopher back to Buck’s loft.

After Eddie said, “Maybe you should go home first”, the look on her face showed how she knew exactly what was about to happen. Then when he continued with, “I mean you’ve been stuck here for days. I’m sure you want to get back to your own place and have some time for yourself”, his comment was a parallel for their relationship. Eddie was telling her that she had been stuck in a relationship with him for a long time expecting for things to move forward with them but that wasn’t what he wanted. Even though she wanted to introduce him to her family, he panicked at the thought of it especially when Buck told him in 5x1 “Panic” “So, it’s pretty serious then.” Eddie replied with, “I don’t know what you mean”. Then Buck said, “Well you’re meeting her parents” and after Eddie explained how it was a christening and they were meeting everyone in her family, Buck then said, “It sounds pretty serious”. Buck was trying to tell Eddie that things were getting serious between him and Ana because she was taking him to meet her family so that she could show him off. That meant she was probably starting to think about marriage (read blog post: “Eddie doesn’t panic. OK!” for more information about The Christening Scene in the Godfather and how it’s relevant to the scene with Buck, Eddie and the 118). Eddie didn’t want to admit it because he had already built the family he chose with Buck. Eddie’s comment about her going home to have time for herself was giving her a way out so that she could exit their relationship and start to focus on trying to find someone who would want the same things she wanted. She agreed when she said, “Yeah. Right, yeah”.

Kitchens

Ana’s attempt to clean up Eddie’s kitchen that she made a mess in was a metaphor for his heart. Him being in a relationship with her would never work because prior to him making the decision to breakup with her, he wasn’t ready to admit that he had already given his heart to someone else. He was planning to keep sticking it out with her.

Eddie finally followed his heart in 3x9 “Fallout” while he was in Buck’s kitchen after he had spent months trying to deny his feelings for him (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck & Eddie’s Kitchen Scene vs. Their Kitchen Scenes with Ana and Taylor” for more on Eddie and Buck’s kitchen scenes with each other and their ex-girlfriends). He was comfortable with Buck and they moved around Buck’s kitchen with a lot of domesticity and familiarity. When his time in Buck’s kitchen is compared with the time he spent in his own kitchen with Ana, it’s clear there were major differences between them. He and Ana were uncomfortable and it was messy because him bringing her into his life was a mess for both of them. He finally admitted that he should have said something sooner during their breakup and she agreed.

The disaster Ana mentioned also referred to the mess of their relationship because neither of them wanted to admit they should have never been together. Ana met “The Real Eddie Diaz” in 3x12 “Fools” when he went to The Durand School after Christopher fell off a skateboard. He yelled at her and she looked startled by his anger. But when she saw him again in 4x6 “Jinx” she thought he had changed because he was acting all chivalrous, after he bandaged her hand, but the truth is he hadn’t changed. He was still the same Eddie she met several months earlier.

Buck knows how angry Eddie can get and he witnessed it firsthand in 3x5 “Rage” but the difference is Buck has always been willing to step into Eddie’s messes. He stepped in to help Eddie with his childcare issues without being asked in 2x4 “Stuck”. He also stepped in to help Eddie after his breakdown in 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”. Buck and Eddie have never had to pretend with each other even though Eddie and Ana pretended with each other throughout their entire ten-month relationship. The red flags had always been there but she chose to ignore them until he started having panic attacks and her woman’s intuition kicked in. She started her amateur investigation when she invited herself to the firehouse. She wanted to see why he was keeping her away and she got her answer when Buck picked up Christopher the exact same way Eddie had done when they walked in.

Ana’s comment about Eddie being an amazing father was a direct parallel to how Buck said Eddie was a really great dad in 2x4 “Stuck” when he told Maddie about Eddie’s childcare issues (read blog post: “Eddie Diaz: He is a great dad” for more information on how good Eddie is at being Christopher’s father). Eddie has always been a great dad to Christopher and his goal in finding a co-parent for him has never changed. The person who is Eddie’s endgame has to love Christopher just as much as he does and that person has always been Buck.

Buck vs. Ana

Eddie is in love with Buck and he has been for a long time. It’s evident that Buck’s his heart because of all the heart eyes Eddie gives him when he looks at him. His heart eyes started back in season two but they’ve continued throughout the seasons. Some examples of when Eddie showed his heart eyes for Buck were in 2x4 “Stuck”; 3x9 “Fallout”; 3x10 “Christmas Spirit”; 5x1 “Panic” and 5x2 “Desperate Times”. Eddie has never looked at Ana with heart eyes and he never told her that loved her. He admitted it during their breakup when he said, “I thought it could work. The idea of us. Christopher loves you so much. I just thought…” and she replied, “That eventually you would too?”

When Eddie said, “The idea of us” during his breakup conversation with Ana, he was talking about how people on the outside looking into his relationship with her would see them as a perfect little family. His comment was also a parallel to how he thinks people will see the family he chose to build with Buck. Since he’s spent a lot of time allowing other people to tell him what he should want, he allowed their opinions to push him towards a relationship with Ana (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Women pursued Buck, while Eddie was pushed towards women” for more information on how Eddie was pushed towards women).

While both Buck and Ana were immediately attracted to Eddie because of his looks, Buck became Eddie’s heart when he stepped into his life and loved Christopher just like he does. Buck looked past Eddie’s handsomeness early on and saw his heart when they went to pick Christopher up from school in 2x3 “Help is not Coming”. That’s when Buck fell in love with both of them and the look on his face showed that he wanted to be a part of their little family. Buck loves Christopher just like Eddie does and he parents him the exact same way (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Christopher Diaz has 2 dads” for more information on how Buck and Eddie parent Christopher identically).

Ana was different because all she saw was Eddie the hot firefighter who she could take home to meet her family. She never said that she loved Christopher even after Eddie told her during their breakup “Christopher loves you so much”. She did comment on how Christopher was a sensitive boy which was interesting. She liked playing dress up with Eddie like he was some kind of Ken doll and he said that when they were in the suit store. He told her, “You love dressing me up don’t you?” This is just another example of how Ana was never meant to be Eddie’s endgame (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck and Eddie are each other’s ENDGAME” for more information on why Buck and Eddie are each other’s endgame).

Eddie trusts Buck to co-parent Christopher with him while he only allowed Ana to babysit him which further illustrates the differences between Eddie and Buck when compared to Eddie and Ana. Buck and Christopher survived the Tsunami together, Buck takes Christopher to the zoo all the time and Christopher ran away from home to Buck’s loft in 4x8 “Breaking Point”. He took Eddie’s phone, ordered and Uber and left the house without Eddie noticing. He did it after Eddie told him he was dating Ana. Christopher was upset so he went to talk to Buck and Buck told him he would always be there for him. Christopher treats Buck like he’s his second dad because he asked Buck if he could spend Christmas with him in 3x10 “Christmas Spirit”. Buck freaked out over Christopher going to summer camp for two weeks in 3x18 “What’s Next?” and he was the one who helped Christopher and Eddie in 3x12 “Fools” after the skateboarding incident. It was Buck who encouraged Eddie by telling him that he was overthinking things and he researched it so that they could find a solution. Buck and Eddie’s solution was to build Christopher an adaptable skateboard. They built it after Ana, who is a certified teacher with a degree in early childhood education, didn’t suggest any alternatives to help Christopher with an activity he clearly wanted to learn how to do. She didn’t even try to find a way to help and she was his school teacher.

The LOUDEST and most telling detail regarding who Eddie’s heart belongs to is The Legal Guardianship. Eddie trusts Buck with Christopher so much that he named him to be Christopher’s legal guardian in his will. Eddie actually gave Buck his heart in 4x14 “Survivors” during The Will Reveal which meant he couldn’t give his heart to Ana since it was already full with Christopher and Buck having equal halves of it. During their entire ten-month relationship, Eddie never mentioned the legal guardianship to Ana even though he updated his will not long after he met her which was months before they started dating.

Even Carla could tell in 4x13 “Suspicion” that Eddie wasn’t all in with Ana because she’s spent several years working with Eddie as Christopher’s caregiver whenever Eddie was at work. That’s why she told him to follow his heart instead of Christopher’s because when she asked Eddie how he felt about Ana, he replied, “It’s easy being with her”. Who wants to be thought of as easy by their boyfriend? Answer NO ONE! He looked like he was just tolerating being in a relationship with her but he doesn’t act like that when he’s with Buck. Did Eddie have a plan to update his will again and replace Buck’s name with Ana’s if the plan was to continue sticking it out with her? Since he wasn’t all in with her it didn’t seem like he did. Was he ever going to tell her that Buck was already named to be Christopher’s guardian? Maybe or maybe not but if she was planning to be in it with him for the long haul, she probably would have had an issue with it. Now that they’re broken up it no longer matters (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: The Will & Legal Guardianship” for more information on why Eddie and Buck aren’t ready to discuss his will).

After breaking up with Ana, Eddie finally started taking steps to follow his heart. He wasn’t completely there yet after the breakup but at least he started the process. His heart has belonged to Buck for a long time but the next step will be for him to verbally tell Buck that he loves him. He is in therapy now and he’s learning how to be better for himself (read blog post: “Eddie Diaz: He’s going to therapy so that he can be better for himself” for more information about Eddie’s therapy). Only time will tell if he’s ready to admit his true feelings and tell Buck how he really feels.

Will Eddie tell Buck how much he loves him during Season 6? Is he ready since he’s been going to therapy for a few months and he’s trying to be better for himself? Since he’s working on being better for himself, is he ready to discuss all his firefighting related traumas? Will he and Buck have therapy sessions together to discuss The Shooting? Only the showrunners, writers and producers know the answers to those questions.

Additional references for Eddie’s heart will be posted daily.

Links to “Heart References” posts

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #1”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #2 & 3”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #4, 10 & 16”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #5”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #6”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #7”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #8”

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benka79 · 3 years

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After Dark (We see the light)

Buddie Meta 911 503

Hello friends. Okay I told you this is gonna be a short meta bc we had just a little from Buddie at the end but it was very, very rich in visuals and body language.

Whispers: I just dissected the lockers buddie scene... 😏��

Just a few words about the kidnapping

I know we don't wanna talk about this ¡I don't wanna talk about this) but it was the main topic in this episode so I need to say a few words...

First of all, it was a very ugly and boring and weird way to show us this "storyline" as they described in the promo.

But let's rescue some interesting points:

-Another good neighbor helping by recording with her cellphone what was happening with Harry and his raptor. Again, neighbors saving lives just like they did in episode 502.

- Another hint to the idea that "no one is safe".

- Harry's kidnapping as a Foreshadow of Eddie being hostage in 507.

- The whole episode and the whole kidnapping process happened in the darkness. (Visual symbolism as I pointed in my previous meta here.)

- When Athena confronts Jeffrey she also makes a reference to darkness and light, and the firefam appeared illuminating the place. This is a reference about how the family they choose, the people they love, it's always there to support you and help you in bad moments too.

- When the woman asks Michael if Athena was his wife, he answers "Ex-wife", as a premonition of Eddiana break up at the end of the episode.

- The 118 unity assists a 911 call in which a man said his friend had been shot. This was a blatant reference to 413 and 414. The difference was the brachial artery.

- When the firefam goes to find Harry, we had a brief Buddie moment, again working together.

- Harry doesn't want to talk about his traumatic experience. (I talked about this in the previous metas with two characters with talking difficulties, as a Foreshadow for Harry.

- Maddie and her depression is taking relevance now that she thinks she is dangerous for her daughter. Imagine the pain she is handling thinking about this? I can't even...

The Light is Here

Time for some Buddie meta now.

First scene: the Lockers.

Buck sees Eddie coming out and smiles. This smile could mean a lot of things. But because this is a buddie meta, that smile is from someone that didn't expect find his crush still there. A nice surprise to see him again. Even when they were so many days together, you always celebrate the fact that you can have a little more of your crush, right?

Buck says he thought Eddie would be the first leaving because he had a little person waiting for him: Christopher.

The important thing here was the way Buck is talking to Eddie.

Look at him. He is smiling the whole time, eyes focused on Eddie. It reminded me that time in the kitchen. The fondness and the devotion towards Eddie are loud here. The longing, even when Buck implies "Hey Christopher is waiting for you, someone is waiting for you, that's awesome" it felt as is he wished he had that too.

But the smile, the soft gaze and even the voice he uses, is screaming Buck's yearn for Eddie.

Then we had Eddie avoiding Buck's gaze again.

Eddie had been thinking the way to break up with Ana. The seriousness in his face told us he had been thinking about it a lot. But even when he tried to find the word, he couldn't. He only stares at Buck to deliver a strong message.

When he mentions the name of Ana, sending Buck the idea of him breaking up right now, once he gets home.

The hidden message to Buck here is "Look, I'm following your advice, okay? I'm breaking up with her. I don't love her. And is happening now."

Then Eddie leaves and Buck's reaction is... priceless...

Buck is speechless. He can't believe it. First of all, because Eddie is following his advice. Eddie is not like Abby. Eddie is breaking up with her to release her. Eddie is honest. But then, he blinks nervously. Eddie breaking up with Ana means Eddie will be single again.

Remember season 4 opens with Buck saying "I don't tell people how I feel", who was these people? Well, his parents and Eddie. He even bought a book "5 languages of love" to learn how to express his feelings for Eddie. But Eddie started to date Ana, and every hint of being with him vanished. And that's why the sarcastic "What's Ana love language?" Full of Jealousy.

Now, Eddie is gonna be single again. And you can't tell me that reaction from Buck watching Eddie leave is not expressing exactly this: HOPE.

Even Athen mentions HOPE IN THE DARK in this episode.

Second scene: Honey, I'm Home

Suddenly, when the black out ends, we witnesses a continuum of parallels with people coming back home and family waiting for them. The first one is Hen, in video-call with her son. The kid is waiting for her after 5 days.

Then Athena's kids. Then Eddie having breakfast with Christopher and Ana...

And then we have Buck. And the contrast is HUGE. The writers made it blatant to show us BUCK IS ALONE. Even when he's dating Taylor, he is alone. Because Taylor is married with her job, and again, Buck is put to a side.

The irony in Buck's quote: "Honey, I'm home." Is representing his loneliness. His girlfriend is not what Buck wants for him. Buck wants to be seen (just like Norman) he wants to have what that old married gay couple had THAT'S LOVE. Buck wants his own beautiful love story. He wants a person who waits for him at home. That's why the yearn in his voice while he was talking with Eddie in the lockers. Maybe because he was imagining what wonderful would be to come back home together with Eddie and Christopher waiting for them.

This is the preamble to Buck/Taylor future break up. As I wrote in this spec post here.

So, Eddie already has the family he wants with Buck, but he doesn't know it yet, and Buck wants to have a lover who sees him for real. That person is Eddie, but he's not his lover, but his best friend. Well, not his lover yet.

Third scene: "I guess is your mess now."

Okay, we finally are in the Eddiana break up. I really felt sorry for her. Really. She was nervous at first, we can say it because her body language and the verbiage. Her body moved from side to side, trying to clean up the mess in the kitchen.

She knew what was going on. So she was the one saying it first. Eddie just added some few words about Christopher loving her, but the girl knew everything. That's why the talk was quick. There were no more words to say. She chose Spanish to say goodbye to him, because it was one of the things that they had in common, like a mechanism of defense. Then she says he is a great father. This is very important, because she knows Eddie was trying hard to fall in love with her because of Christopher.

But what caught my attention was Ana saying: "I guess it's your mess now" talking about the kitchen, but symbolizing the huge mess that will be Eddie from now on. And the mess is in the kitchen. The place in which Eddie and Buck flirted. The place in which Eddie looked at Buck so fondly as he interacted with Christopher.

That kitchen yells buddie. And it's a mess now. Because what is about to come my friends, is Eddie slowly realizing he is in love with Buck. Let's wait an see.

To Conclude:

Several storylines on the horizon, as the producers said. So we had Harry handling his post kidnapping trauma, maybe not talking about it.

Maddie and Chim story, with Maddie's depression and the seek of Maddie.

Buck's inner desire of being seen vs his relationship with a absent girlfriend.

Eddie rediscovering his sexuality through the realization of his own romantic feelings for Eddie, maybe will be expressed by a lot of Jealousy towards Taylor and some little fights over there. And Buck completely oblivious about Eddie's feelings.

Buenos Aires, October 6th 2021 9:21 AM

#buddie #buddie meta #503 #503 meta #5.03 #5x03 #911 #911 meta #evan buck buckley #eddie diaz #ana flores #taylor kelly #athena grant #harry grant #maddie buckley #chimney han

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estie-ellie · 6 years

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so this is a thing i have been working on

it’s a story with my oc and katey’s oc AND SURPRISE it’s not damie and maggie. i did some tweaking and minor edits, but i can’t quite get the rest on the page atm... any feedback is really helpful. keep in mind too that there’s a huge skip forward in story, because i usually write out of order okby

Day 1: .My dad’s friend Damien came over for dinner last night. My dad knows him through work, but he feels like a distant uncle. He’s pretty cool. My dad mentioned once that he was gay and that I shouldn’t ask any personal questions because it wasn’t polite (and that he was special like me, but he doesn’t look like one)

Since he’s the only adult I know who is both Not My Parents and Not Straight, I asked him what I should do if I was confused.. about everything. He told me to write it down, be honest. If I can write truth, eventually I’ll see it for myself. Here’s hoping..

Day 5: Two weeks after the dance, I found out. He told me after we practiced swimming. That was a month ago. Everything seems so blurry and messy and strained. How do you be honest, if you don’t know what you’re doing? What is this? Why can’t it be simple? I want you to be my friend. I want to make you laugh and smile. I want to hold your hand. I want to be close. I want to press my lips against your skin. But I shouldn’t want all of that, I should just want to be friends. Right?

Day 7: In study hall, he sat next to me and smiled. My heart skipped and I couldn’t breathe right. Even though we spent the period together, it felt like he was floating away. Come back and stay. Come stay. I don’t need to breathe.

Day 9: We walked to the bus in silence. Hey are you mad? I was so scared he’d say yes. No. He didn’t look at me. Oh. Good. Do you want to hang out tomorrow? No. I’m kinda tired. I think I’ll stay in. Oh.. Okay.. I’ll talk to you later. Yeah.

He walked off and I waited for my bus alone.

Day 15: He hasn’t talked to me in five days. We got paired up in lit. We sat in silence and did our worksheets by ourselves. I tried to apologize. The bell rang, he didn’t hear me.

I don’t know what I’m sorry for.

Day 17: I caught him in the hallway at his locker. I wanted to kiss at edges of his frown. He didn’t see me. In lit he said “pass me the handout”. His hand brushed mine and my stomach ached. It was like being homesick.

Day 20: He said ‘hi’ in homeroom when he sat down. It was the last seat. I tried to keep quiet. “Do you think we’ll have group work in lit?” he shrugged and turned the other way. I watched his back scrunch and tighten.

Day 24: He found me behind the quad with Taylor and Christian wailing on me.

What the fuck, Kai? He looked disgusted.

Called you a bitch. My words were bloody.

We’re not friends anymore.

He got me to my bus stop and left without a word. His fingertips burned more sinister than the bruises.

Day 25: He looked at me with pity. Like I was a dog about to be put down. He sat down next to Hazel in homeroom. Hazel looked up at me like I was stabbing them both in the back. ‘I’m sorry’ I wanted to say. I’m sorry. All my fault, I’m so sorry. I laid my head in my arms where the bruises wouldn’t touch.

Day 28: Picked another fight, this time nobody to stop it. Brand new bruises to replace the old ones. More punishment; need to repent somehow. I’m the reason they talk about him. I’m the reason we’re not friends. Just wish in the fights they would aim lower though. It’s hard to look my parents in the eye with a bloody face. They’re worried. My grades are still the same. Except history. He used to help me with it. They don’t know what to do.

I don’t either.

Day 40: Everyone avoids me. Either because I look like a loser, they heard I was a loser, or because they already know I’m a lost cause. It’s okay. It’s the right idea.

Day 51: It’s hard to pick fights. Even the most sadistic, special-hating barbarians are bored. Got their fill. Won’t look at me. The game’s not fun. Old news. Not even worth the effort. I’m invisible.

Day 57: Bruises are healing. Feathers are growing back. My parents look relieved when I come home free of new blemishes, no bloody clothes to clean. When I’m home, mom checks in on me every now and again, I try to act like I’m reading or playing games. Dad opens my door at night when he thinks I’m asleep. Homework is still done, dinner is still eaten. I’m mild and cooperative. They are confused. I don’t want to make it any harder on them. I don’t want them to worry. I wish I knew how to fix everything. I am breaking everything. I am broken, too.

Day 64: We have started to change seats each period. In lit, I am off to the left in the back. He sits in front with Allison and Liam: new friends. When he smiles and laughs, I let myself pretend we are back in his room playing video games, in my backyard on the grass. That his smiles and laughter is because of me. I look away before I feel nauseous. Before I can cry.

Day 68: All the bruises are gone. At least, the worst of them. Some of them are slight and small on my chest and shins. No more fights to pick, no taunts to tip. Everyone avoids me or has forgotten. That was inevitable. It’s better that way though, I think. It’s better for him. But what do I do now?

Day 69: He wasn’t in school today. I think he got sick. After math, Hazel caught me by his locker. I only stopped a second. She noticed me staring. You have to stop, Kai. She grabbed my arm to pull me aside. I know. I don’t think you do. Everything that’s happened… You can’t keep doing this. I know. She wavered, as if my words set her on a balance beam. She looked at me as if she couldn’t tell whether I understood. Don’t worry, I know I ruined everything. I know I need to stay away.

She backed away, tugging her books to her chest. Take care of yourself. She took one last look and walked away.

Day 72: Swim season starts in a couple days. Eli, the varsity captain, begged me to stay on the team. I told him I’d think about it. I hadn’t actually thought about swim season at all this year until he asked why my name wasn’t on the sign up sheet. I’ll probably stay on. Swimming is the only thing I might do right. Maybe. Day 79: Swim season starts today. My body welcomes the water, but my muscles reject the work. Haven’t practiced, mechanics are off, flip turns too early. I push anyway. I push until my lungs ache and my limbs cramp. At home, I collapse in bed, body too weak, lungs too tired. When I sleep, I don’t dream and I’m grateful. Day 86: It’s hard to focus in the downtime between school and practice. At home it’s worse. Hours to myself, nothing to do. At least before I had bruises to tend. Day 92: I saw him at the park on my way home from the deli. He was on the swings, talking to two of his friends and smiling. I don’t think any of them saw me. I rushed toward home with my head down. He’s happy without you.

Without you, he’s happy.

Day 97: I skinned my knee on the floor of the pool. For the rest of the day, it ached and itched and bled, and before I knew it I was home in bed and I hadn’t been thinking of him.

Day 101: I always wondered why people would cut. I thought it was too extreme, stupid, a futile attempt at comfort. I get it now though. If you can zero in on the pain, the world is blotted out. It’s easy to numb out all the other thoughts if pain is controlling you. I won’t go overboard. I just need something to pick at. If it aches, I can get through the day.

Day 112: The cuts are easy to hide with our trunks and briefs, but I went too high this time. I had to lie and say I got it while working outside with my dad. It wasn’t a hard sell, and we went back to flip turn drills. Day 115: Between practice and homework I’ve been pushing myself farther and harder. It’s the only way I don’t break down. In our meet against Northtown High, I beat three of my records. Wish it was good enough to fix everything else. Day 118: After practice, some of the team went out for pizza. I tried to get out of it, but Eli wouldn’t let me. My mom was elated that I was invited anywhere and handed me thirty bucks with an enthusiastic wave goodbye from the minivan. When we got there, Eli gathered our party to sing praises of our previous glory and especially gossip about the hottest girls that came to cheer us on. I smiled and laughed at the right times, but it felt like lying to say that I was interested in anyone who had shown up. ---

I don’t know why I’m going to this party. I have nothing better, I guess. Maybe there’ll be booze. --- Kai walked inside the mini mansion that was Eli’s home. The party was still in full swing, music pumping throughout the house and conspicuous red cups floating from hand to hand. He decided he had to pick a safe spot, someplace he could be without attracting attention to himself. Kai went alone after all, he needed the cover. The kitchen was too obvious. Too many transactions of alcohol, not enough to stay and graze off of the assortment of snacks and finger food. In the back, a grill was being manhandled by a member of the football team while a few boys and girls on the swim team hugged the edges of a massive pool. The yard was adorned with buckets of ice topped with various cans and bottles of beer. Kai made his way out and grabbed a bottle, clipped the top with his keys, and retreated inside to investigate further.

From time to time he passed a teammate or an acquaintance that would draw his attention for a moment, but conversations didn’t linger. Kai was glad to have a distraction, though. The booze was finally hitting him and he floated around until settling in the family room in the basement. It was lit in soft yellow candle light, which was probably for function as much as it was aesthetic; it covered the scent of alcohol with a light vanilla puff. He figured the party would settle down and he could leave, Eli & Co. happy that their fellow teammate showed up for once.

And the party did in fact wind down. Couples eventually left, clumps of friends relocated to various parts of the house, and the backyard became a haven for dimly lit poolside make out sessions. This meant that the couch Kai had been inhabiting soon became possession of a clump of kids in his grade slowly approaching, talking among themselves.

“You mind if we..” A boy from the group--Nate, Kai recalled-- extended his hand which grasped a bottle of liquor, towards the coffee table in front of Kai’s feet. Kai nodded and scooted to the end of the couch as the group closed in on the living space. He hadn’t quite realized who exactly was in the group, until he Hazel emerged from the back of the group with Gabe in tow.

"Hey, maybe we shoul-,“ she began. “It’s ok, I’ll leave,” Kai gathered himself up quickly. He avoided their gaze as he was about to move away. “Stay,” Gabe’s voice piped up, as they sat across Kai in a loveseat next to Nate. Kai’s eye’s shot up to Gabe and halted. Hazel looked wearily to Gabe, sharing an silent exchange of permission. “It’s okay,” Gabe replied finally.

Kai looked to from Gabe to Hazel, the ultimate approval resting with her. She looked to Gabe. She nodded once in affirmation. The exchange took mere seconds but Kai had felt like an hour past. He silently sat back down and took a swig of his drink. The rest of the group seemed unfazed by the microcosm and readied themselves for their drinking game. Evidently it was "Truth or Drink”. There was no dare involved; the dare was inherently “get wrecked on Costco brand liquor”. Kai mostly tuned out the noise, the soft snickers and cackling from his party-mates, the clinks of shot glasses. He only made noise enough to apologize when his foot hit Mark Elsen’s who had taken up a spot on the couch next to him.

It seemed like they were having a good time, already a couple rounds in. A few beers in himself, Kai was pleasantly buzzed. The peaceful calm of the booze melted his tension, and for the first time that night, Kai allowed himself to enjoy the party. It was nice to see Gabe smiling, laughing. Nate had his arm wrapped around Gabe’s shoulders and they swayed back and forth with a giggle from Hazel’s joke. The yellow light danced in the chesnut browns in their hair. He had forgotten how pretty it was.

“What about you?” Mark tapped his shot glass to Kai’s shoulder. “Hmwha?” Kai’s trance was broken and the group looked to him expectantly. “Have you ever cheated on a test?” Mark repeated. Kai looked to Hazel and Gabe again, searching for permission to speak. His eyes fell back to Mark, “A couple times, I guess. On spelling tests, I think.” “That’s pretty lame, man,” Nate replied, pouring shots into the empty glasses, now an additional shot sitting for Kai. “Okay, Hazel. Your turn.” She dutifully began to think of a question and when she came

#my writing #gabe and kai

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The Best Men’s Trainers Released In 2017

http://fashion-trendin.com/the-best-mens-trainers-released-in-2017/

The Best Men’s Trainers Released In 2017

Let’s be honest, 2017 hasn’t been a good year for many things. Economy = bad, sexism = bad, Donald Trump vs North Korea = apocalyptically bad. Humanity’s collective failings might have been all too great in 2017, but comfortingly the year did at least produce a bumper crop of sweet kicks.

If you weren’t one of the masses that camped out at the crack of dawn, sharp elbows (and occasionally fists) at the ready for the coolest new trainers, fear not, we’ve documented all of the best drops of 2017. Getting a firm foothold this year, we saw innovative new technologies, (more) retro throwbacks and a trend for chunky, ugly sneakers that has yet to go away. These were the greatest feats in footwear.

(Related: The Greatest Trainers Of All Time)

Hummel Marathona BLU

Nostalgia is nothing new in footwear, but 2017 got on a retro flex in a big way. Getting in on the action, Hummel dug into its archives to re-release it’s Marathona trainer, which first appeared in the eighties.

“The colour blocking and choice of silhouette give it the true retro look for those on the hunt for a less contemporary trainer,” says Patrick Dempsey of SneakerGrandpa. Like the best of this year’s revivals, it’s big on throwback love but low on bad taste with its mixed material upper comprising white and black leather and sky blue nylon panels.

Adidas Futurecraft 4D

Few trainers can actually claim to be revolutionary (though many will try) but Adidas’ Futurecraft 4D model boasts a 3D printed sole, which gives them genuine game-changer bragging rights. Futuristic tech specs aside, the geometric green soles paired with black knitted uppers make for an eye-friendly combo that will work with everything in your wardrobe. A limited release this year will be followed by much wider production in 2018.

“Their instant popularity stands to reason,” says Dempsey. “If you make something with a limited release and a futuristic aesthetic, there’s an increased potential for resale value and (of course) people will clamour for it.” We can hear the stampede already.

Titolo X Diadora Intrepid Five Almonds

Men’s pastels have have become a rare(ish) sight in 2017, but when Italian sportswear label Diadora and Swiss sneaker boutique Titolo put their heels together to produce the ‘Five Almonds’ trainers, ice-cream shades suddenly got seriously wearable again.

“It simply encapsulates sneaker culture at its most fundamental level, a limited release in a colourway you aren’t going to see on another sneaker this season, which makes it incredibly appealing,” says Callum Hill, merchandise director at retailer Soleheaven. “With releases like this it isn’t just the sneaker itself that people buy into, it’s the story and heritage of the brands which have worked together to create it.”

Premium suede makes this pair even more lustworthy. The delicate fabric means they’re probably not that practical, but when they look this good, who are we to quibble?

Nike Silver Bullet

Riffing on the instantly recognisable Nike Air Max 97 design, the Silver Bullet update took inspiration from Japan’s bullet train and – much like the efficiency of the service itself – sold out in minutes.

A silver bullet in the quest for the ultimate men’s trainer? Perhaps not, but it’s a pretty good shot. Expect lots more colourways to follow this one next year.

Reebok Exofit Lo Clean Vintage ‘Chalk’

2017 was the year that in-your-face design became hotter currency than bitcoin. In the world of men’s trainers, Reebok’s aptly named Exofit Lo Clean Vintage ‘Chalk’ was a welcome break from all that retina-searing colour.

Tonal cream and white with sparingly applied blue branding, this pair mashed up minimalism with retro design to create something you’d get a lot of wear from, says Hill. “The Chalk colourway isn’t going to clash with anything in your wardrobe, making it an easy choice every day of the week.”

Asics x Wood Wood Gel DS H7EVK-1512

Once beloved by dads and fashion-phobes, Asics has climbed the trainer brand pecking order and ended up on some of menswear’s most sartorially-savvy feet.

This year, a collaboration with Copenhagen’s Wood Wood took menswear world domination one well-shod step further with the Gel DS H7EVK-1512, when it rocked up looking like what would happen if the ugly trainer trend simmered down a bit and hit the sweet spot between style and function.

New Balance 995 ‘Rust’

New Balance trainers are notoriously loved by hipsters and homebodies alike thanks to their unpretentious, normcore aesthetic. So, when the New Balance 995 ‘Rust’ dropped we were shook by their rich, reddish colourway, which puts them firmly in statement shoe territory.

Featuring a streamlined silhouette, crafted in soft suede and – in our opinion – one the classiest way to wear colour on your trotters, these bronzed beauties bucked this year’s trend for ironically ugly trainers.

Balenciaga Triple S Sneaker

A tidal wave of tasteful minimalism may have engulfed the world of trainers for the past few years, but in 2017 some of the most-hyped kicks kicked back and put intentionally brash designs on the feet of men with otherwise impeccable taste.

The best example was Balenciaga’s Triple S Sneakers, which went big on proportions and colour but inexplicably didn’t look gross. Very far from it, in fact.

Nike x Acronym Lunar Force 1

In 2017, hybrids were hot property (see Vetements x everybody) and fittingly the Nike x Acronym Lunar Air Force 1s offer up not just one, but two hybrids.

The shoes mark German streetwear brand Acronym’s first footwear collab with Nike and combine an Air Force 1 upper with a Lunar sole and full zip opening. These trainers well and truly mixed it up, and it worked.

Nike Mayfly Woven

Fully woven uppers melded to thick rubber soles make for a Marmite pair of trainers: you’ll either love them or wouldn’t let your worst enemy wear them. This year, Nike’s Mayfly woven trainers flipped the script with the weave offering points of interest rather than hogging the whole upper.

A little bit biblical, a little bit hi-tech, these trainers made woven runners infinitely more wearable.

Vans x N. Hoolywood Slip-On

Vans classic checkerboard slip-ons were at the feet of any self-respecting alternative adolescent in the noughties. So Vans’ collaboration with N.Hoolywood was welcome news to grown men who weren’t ready to give up their skater status.

Keeping the signature checkerboard motif intact but swapping canvas for premium suede, this was the year your teenage kicks finally grew up.

PUMA x Overkill Disc Blaze Pfeffiboys

The second of two collaborations between German brand Overkill and sports footwear stalwart Puma saw an already fruitful partnership get even more heart-quickening with the release of the Pfeffiboys.

Inspired by Pfeffi (Berlin’s favourite liquor, apparently) these trainers didn’t bring to mind boozy nights but we detected more than a strong whiff of Back To The Future. And anything with Marty McFly vibes is fine by us.

Gucci Aces

Gucci has pretty much locked out the competition for good when it comes to horsebit loafers. Now, its trainers are inching towards cult status too.

The premise of a tennis shoe which is updated each year with different motifs and colourways sounds simple, but 2017’s crop of Gucci Aces are anything but #basic. One-part menswear, one-part sportswear, one-part minimalism: it’s a trainer holy trinity.

Converse Chuck Taylor All Star ’70 Woven High

Every year is a good year for Converse Chuck Taylors, which seem to be practically welded to the general public’s feet. Tampering with a classic is a risky move but it paid off in the Chuck Taylor All Star ‘70, high-tops which came complete with a textural woven upper.

“The profile of the Chuck Taylor All Star ‘70 is a timeless one – it’s recognised all around the world and with good reason,” says Hill. “2017 has been another big year for the model, especially with the update of a woven upper, which has been a nice addition that gives the minimal silhouette a little added texture.”

It was a subtle switch up, but it did mean that fewer men were (probably) trainer twinning with their teenage sister.

Common Projects Achilles Retro Suede

Common Projects has become a by-word for men with great taste, deep pockets and, until now, minimalism. The painfully cool brand’s spring/summer trainer drop saw more colour than ever before, with a number of bang-on-trend earth tones offered up.

Our favourite? The seventies-tastic Achilles Retro in tan suede. Discreet luxury trainers just got a little louder.

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