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rosy-wooyoung · 3 years

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Let’s get emotional…

I know no one will read this but i’m still putting it out there!

today is my account anniversary!! 🥳🥳

I created this blog on the 14.12.2019, and a year later, nothing really changed. It’s just me, still sitting at my desk, my whole back hurting with cold hands and my pathetically low self-esteem. It was one boring evening, I remember, I had just eaten dinner and I rushed to my computer to come back on Tumblr to read more ATEEZ content because I was fascinated by them, their talent and stage presence. (I still am, don’t worry) And then, I thought damn, I wanna write for them as well. You know what?

Fuck it. Imma do it.

I put the task of finding a username aside and start feeling inspiration flooding in my mind. I spend the entire evening writing as the words come, not caring about the coherence, the grammar nor the consistency of my writing, I just type and type until my fingers are cramping and my brain lagging. It’s just an amazing feeling when you don’t have to rack your brains to find ideas or words, I just had to think of an ATEEZ member, and the imagination would immediately submerge my mind.

I truly aspire to find back the motivation I had a year ago.

The next morning, I even skip breakfast because I wanted to create, brainstorm, rewrite and correct the works I had produced the night before. I completely ditch my uni homework - don’t do that kids - until the end of the afternoon, where I post a note, introducing myself to the atiny Tumblr community. I was very anxious and shy before posting my first imagine, but I was immediately welcomed with likes, 20 on the first day to be exact. It was HUGE for me.

I’m someone extremely self-conscious and very hard on myself, so it was kind of a struggle to post content out on the Internet for strangers to read. I’ve always feared judgement, I’ve bathed in it since the day I was born and I can’t seem to get rid of it. 20+ fics are still rotting in my drafts, I’m just too insecure to release them, so I ignore them and always search for new content to write about. I’m also scared to disappoint, but that’s another story. Aside from that, I’m really grateful because I’ve never received this much love and support in my life since I started this account. Whether is keyboard smashing in the reblog section or just someone saying “uwu that was so cute 🥺”, my day is automatically better. I have never received support or compliments from my parents, siblings or friends that I thought were the closest. Never. And it’s a weird yet great feeling!!

The first two months were amazing. By the beginning of February, I had hit the 200-followers milestone. It was something unbelievable for me. You may think that I’m exaggerating, but I was really thinking that I would only get like maximum 50 followers, and I would have still been happy about it. My account was doing great, but at this point, it was my health that started going downhill.

The pandemic and the stress from it aggravated everything, weakening my heart to the point of needing urgent surgeries (2, almost 3 in October, where there was a risk for me to d*e. Great when you’re a young woman who only spent her twenty first years of existence studying and worrying about her future :/). I get stressed out extremely easily and my doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety and depression a few years ago. And guess what? They were acting up of course, so nothing was by my side. I was lost about my future and my career – I still am haha (pain) – and it was a hard time for me, for us. I’m still not at my best, but at least I’m trying, that’s what matters the most, right? This blog and the people I met there were my source of comfort and light, my safe place, it helps me a lot to just read or laugh at what I see in my dash to make me forget about everything that is bothering me. I met wonderful, supportive people on there and I can’t find the right words to truly express how I am feeling. And here I am right now, a year later, Tumblr being my solace because I can read really really good fics and wips, as well as exchanging with other atinys and people from other fandoms.

I still have those moments of doubt when I’m about to post something like, will this be appreciated? Isn’t it too cliche, too bad, too fluffy, grammatically correct, cool enough, aesthetic enough, cute enough, did someone already write something along those lines without me knowing it? Will I get accused of stealing or plagiarising?

I can’t stop overthinking, but I’m trying to work on it, I really am, even if it’s hard. It’s really not something easy and I get defeated quite quickly, but at least I’m trying.

Even if I lost loved ones during this year (friends that ghosted me for other people, my grandpa passing away from cancer, watching and knowing acquaintances dying bc of covid…) I’ve got to know beautiful angels on here, my mutuals and my followers!! Even if we don’t talk 24/7, I really love and appreciate every single one of you. I know we’re just internet friends, but you really count for me. Please excuse me if you’re tired of seeing me being constantly apologising or being weird and absolutely not funny, I’m trying to become a better person. I absolutely adore when you mention me in tag games or send me love and support via asks or private messages, it makes my heart go really warm. If it were possible, I’d give each single one of you a hug and a big kiss on the cheek because you all deserve it and I love you.

Thank you @atbzkingdom, @closer-stars, @barsformars, @trashlord-007, @ateez-little-star, @tinkerbellwoo, @chrryhwa, @ateezlips, and everyone that I missed that follow me and support me, I luv you all sm :-]

Sorry if this post doesn’t make sense, I just wanted to try and express my gratitude as well as my love for everything you gave me. I hope 2021 will be better, kinder for all of us, and I wish everyone reading this to be(come) happy and healthy.

with all my love, rosy ♥

#rosy's talk #rosy-wooyoung anniversary #personal #<333

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natsumiheart · 5 years

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I gotta say, I started following your blog after you made the 100 reasons why I ship saiouma post, because at the time I was getting alot of crap from people saying why do I ship the ship because they disliked it and they prefer other ships like oumota/saimota/oumeno or consider saiouma unhealthy/generally disliked it. I found your post to be kinda comforting really and I really enjoy reading your content. I love you + your blog, and am really grateful to you. Also sorry I spam your ask box

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Aaaa I’m crying thank you so much ;; feel free to spam as much as you want dun worry about it! 😂

I’m honestly glad my blog feels like a safe space for fellow Saiouma shippers. I definitely know the feeling of getting a lot of crap from other people just because they otp something else (don’t get me started on those people from amino who shipped before the game came out then attack you just because Kokichi ended up having feelings for someone else). You can come to me anytime to assure you what they’re saying is wrong and is just a result of their insecurities towards their ship. To be honest, no ship with Kokichi is unhealthy, because Kokichi is not who they think he is. I believe in the end anyone who hates Saiouma just misunderstood Kokichi or Shuichi’s character. There’s a reason why most youtubers who have played the game end up acknowledging the existence of the ship after all.

When I started falling for the ship I had no dr friends who liked it so I was just fangirling on my own, reading fanfics on my own, drawing fanart and never showing anyone XD (it was sad really but it was fun to draw for my otp and being so happy about it) one day I decided maybe I should just post all that art onto dr amino as some huge art dump, but then still got some controversial comments everytime I posted something and didn’t get that much recognition. I already didn’t like that amino cause I wasn’t a huge fan of the dr fandom itself, don’t know if I was even considered a part of it. But those incidents where my friend had to keep stepping in to protect me just made me hate it to death. (thanks for protecting me @souda-nouda ;;)

I still post my drawings here and there but not as much, it’s all art dumps. Plus I never talk there, because 1. already hated the fandom and 2. one time I joined a chat and after someone (it was obv what their otp was but I’m not gonna mention it, dun wanna generalize those shippers because I’m sure not everyone is like that) noticed my Saiouma pfp they sent a “meme” ridiculing Saiouma 😂 basically a screenshot of the “you’re alone and always will be” scene with the caption “Oh I love Saiouma so much best ship” or something like that. I ended up never talking that much, was scared of being there and it was worse with my anxiousness. I ended up ranting to myself yet again then just keeping that rant in my notes, and later referred to that rant in an answer to an ask asking about how I feel towards the opinion that Saiouma is just onesided. You can find it here if you want to XD You can tell which parts I had to refer to my rant to.

But honestly, the worst one is when friends diss it in front of me with no regards for my feelings about it. When it’s others I can ignore but when it’s friends you can say “I take the beating” and laugh it off even though they’re seriously hurting me. (I know it’s just a ship, but it’s my otp for god’s sake 😂) The reason why I started disliking some ships even though I shipped them in the past is that of people trying to tell me why Saiouma sucks and why their ship is better. It was worse too when it was irl 😂 One of my only friends irl that knows danganronpa dissed my otp really badly when I had no one else and I just laughed it off 😂😂😂 (again won’t mention their ship, but it def affected my opinion on that ship and them as a person. tbh have come to seriously not like that ship at all, cause most fans of it treated Saiouma shippers the same way)

Life was like that for a while, the only one I could rant to was myself or my friend in class who knew nothing about danganronpa “I’m dying these fics are killing me and I have no one to talk to about it save me, Person B has the hanahaki disease and ran away! at this rate he’s gonna die on the streets!” poor friend

One day my friendo on kh amino for like two years now told me to post the drawings I’ve been hoarding to tumblr with her (hey @xs-xs ily thanks for dragging me to tumblr ;;💕💕💕) and she soon joined me on the ship becoming my first ever friend to have shipped Saiouma! I ended up legit spamming her with a bunch of fics that I read and loved and even a bunch of Saiouma artists I followed here on tumblr! Honestly, she helped me at such a rough time, bless her. I love her so much utcjgcfsyrehtsefxjd

my lil sis somehow joined me as well after playing the game pfpfp we fangirl together sometimes

You may laugh at me but I seriously feel safer on tumblr as a place to post these stupid drawings, I hate them, I want to get better constantly, but meeting fellow shippers and getting support for doing what I do just makes me so happy ;; and now I’m just so happy that I could you help you through something I’ve gone through as well. Because of this place I feel like I can just post drawings for me and my little circle of followers and mutuals who love the ship as well, and I ended up meeting really imp friends to me now that I speak to every day (hey @reichiroll and @my-own-special-atmosphere thank you so much for talking to me even though all I did at the time was just post drawings and was srsly new to tumblr 😂)

As you can see having been questioned multiple times as to why I ship them I ended up with tons of nights staying awake and just remembering each and every detail of why I loved the ship so much, why did I keep staying awake at night reading fanfictions of them? why did drawing them make me so happy even though I was going through such a rough time in my life? Why did I feel like I’m on cloud 9 just talking about them? Why did I want someone to talk to about it so badly? One day, I was left without internet, and away from home, I felt so horrible, but to make myself feel better I just whipped out my notes app again and just started typing the many reasons I shipped Saiouma.

It wasn’t supposed to be 100 tbh, and it almost ended up more than 100 (I didn’t mention all those cute moments between Shuichi and Kokichi before the fte starts, the “Shuichi you understand me I’m so happy I’m crying!”, the time they ran away from Kaito together, or the time Kokichi taught him stuff about lying. I don’t even think I mentioned the funny backhanded compliments in salmon team, like Kokichi wants to compliment Shuichi but doesn’t know how to so he does it in his own Kokichi way 😂 “no matter how many times I’m reborn I’m no match for the likes of you” and “You’re really amazing Shuichi” hhhhhh), it didn’t even take much time to write. but somehow (due to the unhealthy amounts of hours I spend thinking about Saiouma) I wrote all that, and somehow that post got a lot of notes proving to me that I was actually not alone. It made me so happy.

and that’s how that post came to be! XD It’s awesome that you’ve been here for that long ;;💕

Sorry for the sudden rant, you can already tell that I can’t help but rant alot XD your message hit me right in the heart, I almost started crying from happiness 😂 thanks again and as I said earlier spam me all you want, answering your asks is fun! and for the friends who I ended up tagging, hey sorry I just love you and can’t hold this love back XDDD

#asks #ahhaa things got emotional #im just happy and thankful #im not lying when i say i love you all 😂#the support always makes my day so thank you

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