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brisquad-unit-4402 · 1 year

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AHHH OMG 4402 I JUST READ THE FIC YOU JUST WROTE AND IT WAS AMAZING ❤️❤️

I’M LITERALLY GONNA RE READ IT EVERYDAY ITS SO GOOD 🥲💕

Also I’m gonna be honest I kinda forgot about the request I made since it’s been awhile but when I saw this omg it was so worth the wait! You’re amazing 4402 <3

-🖋️

ah thanks 🖋! super glad you enjoyed it. it’s been a long time coming i’m sorry it took so long you forgot LMAOOOO

real talk sending asks on anon is so hard. you lose track of what you sent so easily. i almost wish this was a main blog just so i could say hey without inserting my full url at the end like a dork

anyways.

this fic was such a Project with a capital P that there were so many scenes and little bits i thought of writing, but eventually scrapped for brevity even though we all know that’s not my strong suit. here’s a list of some of my notes under the read more because of spoilers, most of them are more recent because they’re fresher in my memory lol.

for clarity’s sake here’s how i hc it when i write about these characters being vtubers: the models on screen are a more polished or stylized lookalike of the person behind the screen, but without some of the details of the real person. so basically while vtuber!ike looks like how we all know him, the ike you interact with during the off-collab also has blue-tipped hair and gold earrings that match his glasses chain, but doesn’t wear the same thing daily, shows a full range of emotion, and has, ya kno, pores and freckles and all that instead of anime skin. they’re identical but in different art styles lol. (obligatory disclaimer that i’ve always written for the characters and not the real people working for nijisanji, and that we do not encourage unhealthy parasocial relationships here)

i wanted to hone in on the friends-to-lovers dynamic as much as possible by establishing friend moments before the actual meat of the romance during the off-collab. same with establishing pen and paper as a common in-universe ship. i’m a believer that including these scenes only strengthens the dynamic between mc and li, even if they aren’t necessarily about them interacting!

in the same way i wanted to establish the comfort of being in love with your best friend just as much as the worry. the outlast scene is really tense but i wanted to write it so the dialogue there could apply to anyone comparing themselves to others. same with the last two scenes. one of the elements i love most in hurt/comfort is that they can be like little affirmations even when the reader is completely different from the insert. reader and ike have a million different insecurities about themselves but they rarely see what the other is so worried about because it’s just another part to love. and when they do see it, they’re still there for each other even if it’s as simple as a weird photo or as big as pining

while we’re at it SHOUT OUT TO AIA, MIKA AND ALBAN FOR BEING THE REALEST MFS EVER i loved writing those three interacting with reader. they’re so funny sometimes. and when they’re not, they also serve as great sober advice. they all have different ways of getting you there—aia is the “soft” one but encourages you to get out of your comfort zone when she sees an easy way in and out, alban is the one that tells it to you straight and gives godly advice because of it, and because she’s close with both you and ike, mika does a lot of work behind the scenes encouraging you both. but at the end of the day no matter what your love life looks like, those three are there asap if you need them, regardless if they’re online or in-person

in the meanwhile vox, nina, and mika serve as ike’s close circle of friends and i think that’s beautiful lmao. i didn’t make those four’s relationship that explicit but i like to think of it as a family dynamic of sorts. vox and nina are the patient parent figures while mika is a younger sister type, and all of them also hype ike up like how aia, mika and alban hype you up

and speaking of vox i wanted to include him referring to ike as his work husband, and maybe a more serious one-on-one advice/shovel talk with reader about ike. this was one of those things that was tricky to place in the order of scenes, so it was eventually scrapped

honestly i think this fic is more about the power of friendship than the power of love lmao. it’s a love letter to friends that would drop everything for you regardless if they see you romantically or not, just as well to friends that want you to get every bit of happiness you deserve

you can probably tell how much of this fic is ruled by close friendships down to the kiss scene. reader is pretty clumsy with their feelings, and ike is even worse (though reader never notices because they’re so worried about themselves). i have this hc that for his first kisses, ike would always ask before he goes in, but if it weren’t for that this would’ve been one of those mutual go-for-it wordless kisses, you know what i mean? where everything feels right and even righter when you realize the other person is also leaning in

ESPECIALLY WHEN READER BUMPS IKE’S GLASSESSSSSSSS one of my favorite things in fic is when it’s not always picture perfect and people mess up! and then roll with it! things happen irl including being clumsy but those things tend to be the parts that make things special. i said what i said about reader and ike always being there for each other even when they’re insecure and i meant it. especially because the happiness is so contagious that reader smiles before kissing back and how they both take a laugh break before kissing even more

ren’s ukulele is also a personal touch. it’s not a very grand feeling to just zone out with your friends while one of them plays music, but it is one that i hope everyone experiences once. it really is comfortable, and if you have a friend that’s a bit of a smartass like ren? it gets funny too

when this fic was in development around early april if i remember correctly, ren did a karaoke stream with iris, which was the moment i realized that was the perfect song to describe the fic. i mention a bunch of other songs but iris is the “theme song”. it’s romantic and pretty and intimate, but with an ukulele and nina casually singing along, it fits the comfortable vibe well

wannabe by the spice girls was chosen for the recognizable goofy factor alone. i mentioned motionless in white, my first story and spiritbox mostly because i’ve heard ike mention them before on stream, but spiritbox gets a special shoutout here because i’m pretty sure they’re one of the only ike band recommendations i actually like (talluh too if you include the two songs i’ve listened to). toxicity gets mentioned because, uh… i was watching gavis bettel’s birthday karaoke when that happened and he was too blasted to do system of a down but that just stuck with me. i also have to admit i never actually listened to the emo holy trinity and only knew one mcr song from guitar hero but luckily it’s recognizable and it’s in a wide enough range that i think most people could sing it. ahhh i wish writing lyrics in fic wasn’t so clunky! i have such a picture in my mind of how reader and ike would sing the breakdown and onward

vox singing george strait is pure self-indulgence and i am begging us all to imagine handsome from the cowboy asmr singing christmas cookies. i have been thinking about this since october 2022

the final bonus scene is a neat bow to explain the important parts of the off-collab as well as ike’s real feelings. after all, the fic was written with limited pov and one of the major sources of tension is that ike’s feelings aren’t explicitly stated until the second confession (and the high-stress q&a stream). i wanted it to be so reflective and fond that it feels like a victory lap, and reaffirm what reader and ike’s relationship actually means to him even though he struggles with articulating it out loud

that final scene also had the most ideas that ended up scrapped. this includes but is not limited to: ike telling chat about the cafe with reader but without admitting it was a date, alban teasing ike in the chat, reader teasing ike in the chat, confirming that uki and ren going cafe-hopping was actually so they could playfully gossip about the sexual tension in this airbnb, actual descriptions of the photos reader took, confirming that ike or reader stole the other’s shirt (ike is a smaller guy so i wanted to keep it ambiguous for any reader body types), redirecting to reader’s stream, ike and alban actually talking about why alban knows so much (and him giving ike a shovel talk), and maybe most tragic of all; a forum-style text post scene where the delulu fans get it right for once and guess that reader and ike are in a secret relationship

i might write the delulu fan forum fic one day for fun but if i do then i’m going to call this little series “the pliskinverse” unironically and im that is not a fate i want to impose upon anyone

the word ~ verisimilitude ~ recently entered my vocabulary from a review of the candle cove creepypasta. it basically means when fiction seems authentic, like how a kind character would have polite manners or how an evil villain would laugh completely different than the hero. you could say an ooc fanfic would lack verisimilitude for example. anyways i bring this up because that creepypasta is formatted like a forum thread with distinct personalities between the posters... just like how i wanted the chatters to come across! i don't think it's subtle but i did write them all with different personalities and interests in mind. maybe for fun you can look through them and figure out what team they all play for, even though i'm awful at coming up with fake usernames

it’s really obvious that one of my favorite tropes is shovel talks isn’t it

#unit 4402 reporting #nice comments #4402 answers #🖋 anon #so many thoughts on this fic ack… i will overexplain anything about it

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1111jenx · 3 years

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Hiii how are you?, pls help me with this. So I was looking on the internet about my 12th house mercury and people kept saying that it is a bad placement and it relates to mental illnesses. Are 12th house placements bad? What do you think about this?

I am kinda worried 👀

Hey beautiful🥰

Thank you for your questions! I'll be more than happy to offer you some insights:") I understand where you're coming from and if I were to read up on different websites just to find out that my placements indicate mental illness I wouldn't be too happy either:D

First and foremost, I want to assure you with this, lets get one thing clear, no one, especially no astrologers can tell you you 100% have mental illness. Only certified medical professionals can do that. Legally except for professionals, no one can diagnose you love so please don't let this get to you okay?🥺 Second of all, I know a plentiful of people who have Mercury in the 12H, including my best friends of 15 years who may have her crackhead as well as ups& downs kinda moments yet are she is one of the most positive people I've ever met and she does not have any any other positive aspects to her mercury except for a conjunction to saturn. But that's not what you're asking here:D So why is it that people think 12th house placements are "bad" and that 12H Mercury may indicate certain issues?

Its because the 12th house rules over a bunch of thing a lot of people don't consider necessarily "ideal". The 12th house rules over secrets, one's down fall, delusions, drugs, restraints, sufferings, karma and a bunch of other traditionally "bad" stuff. Therefore, having a 12th house Mercury can be interpreted as having issues within your thoughts process and having problems with expressing fully and wholely your original mind to others. But thats the bad stuff only, this placement is so much more than that!

While I do notice that 12H Mercury can overthink and handle stress very intensely, we must also consider the beneficial side of this placement. It is indeed a very interesting placement and indicate a person in possession of visionary thoughts or ideas, who have ideas that can actually change the world. In some cases, its even connected to its psychic abilities and possessing musical and artistic capacities!! Lets also not ignore the fact that these people have great gut feelings and instinctive abilities that may be manifested in them being amazingly strategic and intuitive. Some people that have this placement include Beyonce, Dalai Lama, Hemingway, Putin and Bach. Personally, I considered these people as brilliant minds and voices that once heard and acknowledged, make the least expected geniuses.

As for 12th house placements in general, I don't think any 12th house placements is bad. To be very honest. I have a Venus 12th house yet I have received nothing but great blessings from this placement. Running away or shutting off temporarily may be a big theme for 12th house placements but I think they are some of the realest minds I've ever encountered. They're so "human" and raw in a way that I think is exceptionally brave, not everyone is strong enough to face their demons. Before I had always belief that life should be lacquered with roses and champagnes to be defined as beautiful yet it is not true in that way. Great sufferings and challenges will always come at great rewards. You prolly don't even need me for this haha but you see how there are sooooo many stories about those people who works a 9-5 just to do another night shift so they can support their dreams and loved ones and one day, they finally achieve success? Thats what I think 12th house placements represent. Lessons learned the hard way yet will always come with fruitful rewards🤎 I think its also good for 12H people to surround themselves with some fire placements or 1H, 8H and 10H people as they can relate to you one way or another a lot of the time I see these people pushing one another to growth:")

I hope this lengthy answer offered you some peace of mind and helped you get a better perspective of your placement love🥰 Heres a picture of beyonce to start ya day:D

saint jenx🪐

#astrojenx #astrology observations #astro notes #astrology #astrology notes #astrotips #leo venus #libra rising #moon in scorpio #libra sun #12th house stellium #12th house venus #mercury in the 12th house

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all-hail-the-witcher · 4 years

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jaskier’s breakup album

alright full disclosure i probably went into way more detail than i needed to. but jaskiers a dramatic little shit and therefore so am i. but this album slowly became my baby and I've been listening to it for the last 2 weeks while I've been doing homework and its a good sad bop. these are just my opinions, but i think it would be cool to see what other people think (esp because im fairly new to this fandom). also this post is really long. sorry about that.

so. we all know jaskier is a bard. he traipses around writing songs about whatever fling he's having or about his witcher. netflix canon makes it pretty clear that geralt is one of jaskiers muses (and probably one of his more reliable ones given what we know about jaskiers dating history). jaskier is also very, very dramatic (as I'm sure everyone knows cause he's the damn comic relief that show desperately needs). in particular though the scene at the beginning of 1x05 where geralt is djinn hunting and jaskier stumbles upon him, drunk, singing off key, and rambles about how "the countess de stael, my muse and beauty of this world, has left me. again. rather coldly and unexpectedly, i might add. i fear i shall die a broken hearted man” and jaskier is clearly half muttering some sad attempt at a breakup song he's trying to write at the beginning of the episode so the question is, wouldn't he do the same thing post mountain scream down with geralt?

the answer is of course, yes he would because jaskier is nothing if not a dramatic little shit. and i am proposing that he writes not only one but an entire album (or set if this is canon era, but if this is canon i think he would keep a great many of these songs to himself, only playing a few select ones with the hopes that someday geralt will hear one and realize how badly he fucked up) of break songs and lamentations about geralt, because say all you want about what their relationship is, but one does not simply go traipsing around the entire continent with someone for 20 years and not grow close to them in some way shape or form (and the show makes it clear that geralt is at least one of jaskiers close friends so). now what is on this breakup album? well I'm glad you asked.

i peg jaskiers music (modern or canon honestly) for this album as being a combination of taylor swift’s folklore/evermore albums and james arthur and ill explain why.

taylor swifts folklore/evermore albums have this almost ethereal, floaty, reminiscent, indie vibes. there are many metaphors, recurring themes and its overall kinda dramatic at points which i feel is exactly what jaskier would be doing right now (it also just kinda gives me canon era vibes, idk). but james arthurs music is much more emotionally intense which i think is definitely in character for jaskier at this point because he strikes me as someone who copes with things through his music. both artists do the sings through story telling in an almost monologue manner which goes along with that kinda bardic music and all that. i also think that jaskier would want geralt to know that these songs are about him because hes dramatic like that (kinda like how taylor swift writes her stuff). anyway here's what i think would be on his breakup album:

heres a link to the playlist

1. the lakes - taylor swift 2. from me to you i hate everybody - james arthur 3. maybe - james arthur 4. sad eyes - james arthur 5. hoax - taylor swift 6. naked - james arthur 7. right where you left me - taylor swift 8. all too well - taylor swift 9. impossible - james arthur 10. exile - taylor swift 11. illicit affairs -taylor swift 12. safe inside - james arthur 13. quite miss home -james arthur 14. my tears ricochet -taylor swift 15. phoenix - james arthur 16. this is me trying - taylor swift 17. happiness - taylor swift 18. death by a thousand cuts - taylor swift 19. empty space - james arthur 20. coney island - taylor swift 21. new years day - taylor swift 22. the 1 -taylow swift

so theres 22 songs which im sure jaskier would do on purpose cause hes a dramatic little shit ( “one song for every year i wasted on you” or something of that sort). jaskier being a dramatic little shit is going to be a recurring theme. some of them work better for modern era than canon era but as a whole this can be interpreted as either romantic or platonic. anyway lets unpack.

1. the lakes by taylor swift (more canon era interpretation)

this song is the bonus and final track off of folklore. the song is actually about how she wants to go live in seclusion with her boyfriend out of the public eye but that is not what it means in this interpretation. i think that this song is about how jaskier feels as though his career as a bard is tainted now because he spent so many years singing geralts praises and there is no way he will be able to escape that part of his life because undoubtedly hes going to get requests for toss a coin and others he wrote about geralt and people will probably know him as “the witchers bard”. so this song is him talking about how he wants to run away and live out his life in seclusion because geralt took from him one of the only happinesses in his life.

Take me to the lakes, where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm settin' off, but not without my muse

the line “i dont belong and my beloved neither do you” references the fact that jaskier feels like an outcast now that he’s spent years traveling around with a witcher, notoriously outcasts from society, so he feels that he doesnt belong anymore either.

I want auroras and sad prose I want to watch wisteria grow Right over my bare feet 'Cause I haven't moved in years And I want you right here

the second stanza references his idealization of living out his life in solitude, with nature, where no one can judge him (and geralt cant yell at him).

jasper would have started this album with that song because it states his intentions: he feels as though he’s done with singing. it could also refer to him leaving the public eye (in modern era) to write this album.

2. from me to you i hate everybody by james arthur (more canon era interpretation)

songs 2-4 on jaskiers album are ones that he wrote at various points while he and geralt were still together/best friends/etc. these three songs establish what the relationship was like before everything went downhill, but they are kind of melancholy, like looking back on a past love (which is what jaskier is doing). this one jaskier wrote about when they met. geralt would have heard him play it before and he would have known that this song was about him (he probably also secretly liked it and jaskier putting it on his album would have been like a slap in the face because it wasn't one that he had shared with other people, thinking it to be too personal). if this album had been released in modern era, jaskier would have released this song as a single to get geralts attention. he would have definitely wanted geralt to know that this album was about him.

I used to come here on my own and drink So I didn't have to think or hear the whispering I stand with people telling lies again In suits and ties again and I just need a friend

they meet in the tavern and its clear that jaskier is Not having a good time and really just needs a friend, hence why he decides to go talk to geralt.

You walked into the room and cut the atmosphere like a knife, alright Sobering mind 'cause up to now, I've just been wasting my time, ooh yeah

the “wasting my time” part is of particular interest because it clearly articulates that jaskier feels as though adventuring around with geralt was the best part of his life and before that he'd just been a bard with debatable songs. the song as a whole makes it sound like geralt was jaskiers lifeline.

3. maybe by james arthur (modern or canon era works)

this song, while geralt would know immediately it was about him, was not one jaskier ever shared with geralt. it would have been written a few years after he and geralt had met initially. the reason that jaskier never shared it was because it talks about destiny and geralt made it Very Clear that he does not want to fuck with destiny.

I don't know what's going on Where you came from and why you took so long All I know is that I feel it Like it's the realest thing, I mean it Something changed when I saw you Oh, my eyes can't lie You said, "They're so damn blue And I love how you're so forward Is it too soon to say I'm falling?"

this would have been what young jaskier felt over the course of a few years after traveling around (or befriending if this is modern). There was probably a slip up somewhere, or jaskier just thought that he got really good at interpreting geralts grunts and the line about the eyes is what he hoped/imagined/thought geralt was saying to him in return.

So maybe Maybe we were always meant to meet Like this was somehow destiny Like you already know Your heart will never be broken by me So is it crazy For you to tell your friends to go on home? So we can be here all alone Fall in love tonight And spend the rest of our lives as one

jaskier probably thinks that destiny is some wildly romantic thing hence why he compares them meeting to destiny. the line about heart break would have also hit especially hard after the mountain scene. also i think its pretty clear that jaskier wants to spend as much of his life traipsing around with geralt in the show (modern era wouldn't have been any different), hence wanting to spend the rest of his life with geralt.

Oh, is it too crazy For you to tell your brothers about me? They told me they'll protect you But I'll look them in the eye Tell them you and I will be as one

this is the part that sells it for me. i think that geralt lambert and eskel would all be very close (admittedly i havent read the books but i kinda get that vibe from the fandom so). this part about geralt telling his bothers about jaskier and then jaskier probably meeting them would have been an Important Moment.

4. sad eyes by james arthur (modern or canon works)

aright so im not sure if geralt has heard this one before. i can see it going both ways. its a possibility that jaskier wrote it at some point and then would kinda sing it softly when hes patching geralt up after a particularly rough hunt so its one of those where like geralts not quite sure what the song is but then he hears it on this album (cause say this was modern era and jaskier actually did release this album geralt would totally buy it after a few weeks and then realize how badly he'd actually fucked up) and is like shit thats what he was singing all along?? but anyway this one is essentially about how jaskier thinks geralt puts too much pressure on himself and all that stuff

You wear the burden World on your shoulders, babe So let me hold the weight I know you're hurting Deep as the coldest pain But this is the order sayin'

essentially jaskier can see through geralts bs and hes calling him out on it and wants him to just take care of himself for once (see: the scene in 1x05 when geralt says he cant sleep)

5. hoax by taylor swift (canon or modern works)

so this song begins the plethora of break up songs that jaskier wrote about geralt. this one would have been written some time after the incident, after jaskier has some time to reflect on the whole thing. i know that taylor wrote this song about enduring a toxic relationship, which kind of works if you think about the way that geralts treated jaskier and how jaskier interpreted it (but im not implying that their relationship was toxic or abusive or anything)

My best laid plan Your sleight of hand My barren land I am ash from your fire

jaskiers plan was to reinvent geralts image and geralt did not think that it was worth it. jaskier is just sorta his side kick (who gets him into trouble, as geralt points out) and geralt kicks him aside like he doesnt mean anything to him (like ash from a fire

Stood on the cliffside Screaming "Give me a reason" Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do

this is a little more literal with the screaming on the cliffside. jaskier wanted a reason to stay and geralt didnt want him to. jaskier knows that witchers dont feel emotions (or at least not like humans do) so hes been tricking himself into believing that geralt actually liked having him around, knowing that it was probably going to blow up in his face at some point. but he doesnt quite regret it, and doesnt want to be sad over anyone else.

6. naked by james arthur (modern or canon works)

this kind of goes along with hoax, jaskier probably wrote them around the same time. he’s admitting in this song that he would be willing to try to work it out with geralt, but geralt needs to change first (needs to actually communicate and let him in and all that stuff).

'Cause here I am, I'm givin' all I can But all you ever do is mess it up Yeah, I'm right here, I'm tryin' to make it clear That getting half of you just ain't enough

hes quoting geralts words back at him here ( “all you ever do is mess it up” is pretty similar to the line about shoveling shit), saying that all hes ever tried to do is be good and kind to geralt, but geralt hasn't really done the same in return and while jaskier may have dragged him into some things, geralt also needs to take responsibility for what hes done as well.

7. right where you left me (modern or canon works)

this starts the Real Sad Boy Hours songs. this would refer to how he felt pretty much right after, not knowing what to do because geralt had been so much a part of his life for so long:

Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say, "What a sad sight" I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on, I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared

this is kind of the processing of the event. and also the moment on the album where the audience would realize that this relationship that he's been telling about until now definitely ended. this song isn't super super emotional, its more a jumble of thoughts cause he didnt know what to feel after the breakup happened. although he didnt write it right after the break up, it was written much after as a looking back.

8. all too well by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

(the link to this one is from a live performance because i like the emotion in this one better) so this song is not off of folklore (its off of red) but its such a powerful, painful breakup song that i had to include it in the lineup because it seems like something that jaskier would have written very very soon after the incident. the memories especially that she touches on in the song (driving upstate, dancing in the fridge light, looking at the photo album, etc) are all very powerful and real and i can see jaskier doing the same thing. again, if this were modern era i think that he might release this one as a single. theres so much to unpack in this song, this ones gonna be a little longer oops.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

this clearly references the mountain scene. they were a pretty good duo until geralt blamed him for all his problems. and jaskier was effectively stuck on the top of a very dangerous mountain that he would have had to navigate down by himself.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

jaskier spent half of his life following geralt around, its likely that he doesnt know what to do with himself or his life now that he doesnt have geralt to follow around on adventures. he doesnt know what to do anymore (see the first song).

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me You can't get rid of it, 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

this is more of a hope that jaskier has. he hopes that geralts held onto something of his that he left behind. maybe he left a shirt in one of roaches saddle bags (canon) or a notebook in their apartment (modern) that geralt just cant seem to get rid of. he would like to think that he had an impact on geralts life and that it wasn't just all for nothing. in the beginning, he wants geralt to be just as hurt as he is.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

this is a dig at geralt. he'd never had someone to follow him around on adventures before, much less a human. as far as we know it seems like jaskiers the first human that has even given him the time of day. this is jaskiers way of throwing it back in geralts face

9. impossible by james arthur (canon or modern works)

this would have also been written very soon after the incident. it is more jaskier being mad at himself for not seeing the signs than him being mad at geralt. it is almost like his admittance of the event and like hes finally accepting what happened.

I remember years ago Someone told me I should take Caution when it comes to love, I did And you were strong and I was not My illusion, my mistake I was careless, I forgot, I did

jaskier is someone who clearly falls in love (or at least screws around with people) easily so its likely that someone would have given him some advice along these lines once. but when he met geralt its likely that this caution went to the wind.

When all is done, there is nothing to say And if you're done with embarrassing me On your own you can go ahead, tell them

Tell them all I know now Shout it from the rooftops Write it on the skyline All we had is gone now Tell them I was happy And my heart is broken All my scars are open Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

this hints at the first song on the album. jaskier has no stomach for singing for audiences asking to hear about the adventures of geralt of rivia. this is his way of telling geralt that, almost as his punishment, he should have to deal with the people who ask why hes not traveling with his bard anymore, because jaskier has no intention of doing so. this is pretty brutal because (as we know) geralt doesnt really enjoy talking about feelings, or talking at all in general.

10. exile by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

this is a fictitious conversation that jaskier wrote as occurring between him and geralt. it can be looked at either way but i think it makes more sense if bon iver is jaskier and taylor is geralt.

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defendin' now? You were my town Now I'm in exile seein' you out I think I've seen this film before

this first chorus is from jaskiers perspective. note the use of “homeland,” as home becomes a theme on jaskiers album. in geralts version of the chorus the line instead is “youre not my problem anymore” which is probably what jaskier took the whole mountain thing to mean.

All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) All this time I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

(the () in this are geralt) this is jaskiers lamentations about how he didnt notice geralts abject discomfort in their relationship and also his regrets in not being able to remedy the situation.

11. illicit affairs by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

so this song is clearly and obviously about an affair. however, i have seen interpretations of the song where people view it as being in a relationship that is so intense and well hidden that in a sense it is almost like an affair, like in the aftermath you’re not even sure if it was real or you deemed it because there isnt really a trace of this other person anymore, and that is the way i think jaskier would have written this song.

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

the dont call me kid, dont call me baby part would reference jaskiers humanity, he has a normal human lifespan at least in canon (very much unlike geralt) so geralt might brush him off as being young and stupid. jaskier would have made this album to show geralt that hes not being young and stupid, that this did screw him up, and hes suffering cause of it. kind of like a reality check or a slap in the face.

Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself A million little times

the secret language would of course refer to geralt himself. hes a hard man to understand (especially cause half his vocabulary is grunts) and hes also a witcher. so jasper had to learn to understand him and now he has no use for that anymore. and the ending line about ruining myself. that would be jaskiers admittance that he would do it again, he'd do it all again, which comes back up in later songs.

12. safe inside by james arthur (canon era interpretation)

this is one that jaskier would have written maybe a week or so after the incident. the song itself deals with distance and coping with not being in someones life anymore, and i think that that is something that jaskier would struggle to cope with because hes not sure he wants geralt to be alone. this song is more for jaskier than for geralt.

Everyone has to find their own way And I'm sure things will work out okay I wish that was the truth All we know is the sun will rise Thank your lucky stars that you're alive It's a beautiful life

obviously geralt can take care of himself, but its kinda clear that he doesnt much like his life as a witcher (the part where he talks about them getting slow and killed). so this is kind of jaskiers way of almost reminding geralt that his life on the path is still beautiful and important now that he back by himself.

Oh, will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you the whole night Don't repeat my mistakes, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside If you're home I just hope that you're sober Is it time to let go now you're older? Don't leave me this way, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside

this is more jaskier worrying about geralt being by himself. he hopes that hes okay in the aftermath of this this and that hes taking care of himself still. because of course jaskier would write a whole breakup album but still write one song about how he hopes the person is doing well.

13. quite miss home by james arthur (modern era interpretation)

this song. oh my god. its so amazing. if you dont listen to any of these, at least listen to this one (actually im pretty sure no ones read to this point so if you have thanks). this song is kind of more along the same vein as the previous one, how jaskier misses geralt but its more for him than geralt. he would have probably written it at like 3am in a fit of tears and weakness, and debated long and hard about whether or not to put it on the album, but done it anyway because what does he have to lose? theres a lot to unpack here tho so this is going to be a longer one. (sorry)

I'm in the kitchen while you smoke outside You're careful not to let the smoke inside I always tell you it's poison But I know it helps you take the edge off the day We get a drink before it's closing time The one on high street with the blinking sign All these memories feel poignant I won't be there to see the snow melt away

this is a very very clear picture of an event that seems to have happened a great many times, so much so that it seems like second nature. its like a little glimpse into what their life was before this incident. its intimate, but it still is melancholy.

Whoa I'm in another city I got nobody with me And it just really hit me

this is where jaskier is now, it provides some opposition. its like a culture shock almost, like hes so used to this intimate lifestyle with another person that its jarring to be by himself.

That I quite miss home And I miss you telling me To leave my shoes at the door 'Cause you just swept the floor And the dirt drives you crazy Yeah, I quite miss home 'Cause it feels like poetry When the rain falls down on the window While you're in my arms And we're watching the TV Yeah, I quite miss home

the key here is what jaskier is referring to as “home.” it's not the place, its geralt himself. all these memories center around him, not an establishment. (calling geralt “home” comes back in later songs.) again, this mosh of memories is like theres so many of them that its almost overwhelming but its stemming from jaskiers need to feel something other than lonely and hes craving this reality that hes lost.

14. my tears ricochet by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

this is a song that really emphasizes jaskiers dramatic little shit tendencies. this is something that he wrote, trying to predict what geralts reaction would be if he found out that jaskier died. this is really just jaskier fantasizing that geralt didnt actually mean any of what he said and does still care about him. theres many lines in here that are jabs at geralt (if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? and Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me?), but i think this is the most important one:

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want Just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones And I still talk to you When I'm screaming at the sky And when you can't sleep at night You hear my stolen lullabies

this is again, jaskier referring to geralt as home. as seen in the last song, he clearly wants to go there, but he cant. this could also refer to where he grew up, which he cant go to either because his parents still view him as a disappointment (as seen in finally). jaskier saying he still talks to geralt is completely in character, he probably still curses him and the whole thing. but the part about geralt not being able to sleep at night and hearing his stolen lullabies is really hard hitting. jaskier likes to think that geralt wouldn't be able to sleep without his banter or his lute playing or something of that nature. over all its a very powerful song.

15. phoenix by james arthur (modern or canon works)

this is a fictitious apology that jaskier wrote from geralts pov, kind of what he wished that geralt would say, but knows that he won't.

Let me, let me begin Let me begin, with an I.O.U Who I owe everything to Lately, lately my friend Lately, you think I'm ignoring you But I've been trying to pull through All of the pain, I know you're looking down, down on me I could have been someone I hurt everyone Pushed away everyone who got near

in this “geralt” outlines what he did wrong, and that he didnt mea what he said at all. again, this is more for jaskiers benefit because he knows that even if geralt were to apologize to him, it wouldn't be to this extent.

16. this is me trying by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is jaskier trying to articulate the fact that hes trying to pick himself back up after everything, his way of showing his “healing process” and that he can do it, he doesnt need geralt (as the song shows, its not going very well)

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel On the one screen in my town And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say) I just wanted you to know That this is me trying

its showing that jaskier is having trouble enjoying things that he once did (like parties) because hes still so distraught over what happened with geralt, but at the same time he also wants to show geralt that he doesnt need him. it has a very i dont care kind of attitude, but jaskier at the same time is having a hard time showing geralt that hes doing okay, hence the “maybe i dont quite know what to say” which is out of character for the very talkative bard

17. happiness by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is more him convincing himself that things will be okay. he's clearly trying at this point to move on, but its proving difficult because geralt was his happiness for so long:

There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness

he also repeats the line “havent me the new me yet” a few times, which i think is again him trying to convince himself that its going to get better and he will move on from it. but this line is the one that i think hurts the most:

No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too

this implies that 1. he still thinks geralts a good man (not a monster) and 2. that he knows he hurt him to and doesn't know how to fix either of them. this is also kind of him giving up on how to fix it, but him recognizing they were both at fault is important for the arc of the story.

18. death by a thousand cuts by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is another song that is not off of folklore (its from lover), but i wanted to include it because it think it has a little bit of anger to it (especially in this live acoustic version that i linked) which i think that jaskier would feel a few weeks post incident in a fit of rage, like why am i still feeling this way? why did you think that this was okay?? and its right after happiness, which shows that his healing really isn't linear. there's many lines in this song that pertain to geralt and jaskier and i could talk about the whole thing but im not going to

But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

this i think is very jaskier. its so raw and like, i know this is over, why am i still writing about it? why am i making an album about this? why should this still matter to me? its very angry and again, like many of the songs, like a slap.

My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united, we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

this part, especially if you listen to her sing it, (which i would HIGHLY RECOMMEND BTW) is very passive aggressive and the the last line is like quite sarcastic and downplays it, like, yes you put me through all of this, but i guess its *just* a thousand cuts. this really shows that in many ways geralt was a part of jaskiers life, and his sudden removal from it would have stung in many ways, and thats not something that you can get over quickly.

19. empty space by james arthur (modern or canon era works)

this song starts the beginning of jaskier getting over geralt. these last 4 songs would have been written much after the incident, after hes had time to think, but there's still this nagging in the back of his head thats like, well what if im being stupid and he is the one and im supposed to go back?

I don't see you You're not in every window I look through And I don't miss you You're not in every single thing I do I don't think we're meant to be And you are not the missing piece I won't hear it Whenever anybody says your name And I won't feel it Even when I'm burstin' into flames I don't regret the day I left I don't believe that I was blessed I'm probably lyin' to myself again

this is more what jaskier wants to be, not what he actually is. he thinks that hes over geralt, but hes not (the chorus gets into it more but im not going to talk about it here, but it essentially says “only you can fill this empty space”) clearly jaskier is further along in his healing process, but hes still having second thoughts. he wants to be over him, but he knows hes lying to himself, very deep down.

20. coney island by taylor swift (more modern era interpretation)

this is the true moving on song. it’s still laced with memories and speculation, but it puts clear distance between the two of them, much more so than empty space does because it lacks the longing. it just shows things for what they are.

And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island Wondering where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go Sorry for not making you my centerfold

its apologetic, but nothing more than that. it dwells more on what could have been rather than what he wants it to still be.

The question pounds my head What's a lifetime of achievement If I pushed you to the edge? But you were too polite to leave me And do you miss the rogue Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?

this is interesting because it addresses their immortality and how they've been together for years and also the way in which they left things (paradise). but it also implies that things were on the downfall. and the last two lines about forgiveness is interesting because it then calls geralt “too wise to trust me and too old to care” meaning its more a wish of jaskiers rather than something he knows geralt will do.

Were you waiting at our old spot In the tree line By the gold clock Did I leave you hanging every single day? Were you standing in the hallway With a big cake, happy birthday Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey? A universe away And when I got into the accident The sight that flashed before me was your face But when I walked up to the podium, I think that I forgot to say your name

these are all very specific, very intimate moments that would clearly mean something to geralt. and it further implies that jaskier is uncertain if he actually made geralt feel appreciated when they were together. but again, its more what could have been rather than what jaskier wanted it to be, which is a nice segway into the last two songs.

21. new years day by taylor swift (modern era interpretation)

this is another one not from folklore, this song is the closing track on reputation, but i like the nostalgia of it so i decided to include it (and it also has good parallels to the last song). initially jaskier intended for this to be the last song on the album, but decided to add another one last minute (and we will get into why). this song is more jaskiers muted longing to still be with geralt, albeit in the far future.

There's glitter on the floor after the party Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor You and me from the night before but Don't read the last page But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

this interpretation is very much like the actual songs interpretation: the desire to stay with someone through the unexciting parts of life, like cleaning up after a party on new years day. additionally, wanting to start something new with someone (being there with them past the midnight kiss and actually starting the first day of the year with them). additionally though, there is the line of “dont read the last page” which refers to the last song on the album, which we will get to.

Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you And I will hold on to you Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

this is more jaskiers reality. hes torn between holding onto these memories and hopes and actually facing reality. he wants to hold on to geralt, but he also kinda wants to move on. and the last line about the laugh, thats more jaskiers own hope, he hopes that he will come across geralt again and things will work themselves out.

22. the 1 by taylor swift (modern era interpretation)

the decision to make this song the last one on the album was a very last minute decision, and it was written significantly after the rest of the songs. the reason for this was without this last song, the album ends on a note of hope “Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” but this last song is more of a reality check and acknowledgment that what's done is done and that it will never be again.

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit Been saying "Yes" instead of "No" I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

this refers to the fact that its been some time since the whole thing and jaskiers kind of changed a little bit. he claims hes doing good, and maybe is going to try out a new career (since the first song references wanting to put music down for awhile). seeing geralt at the bus stop is a reference to cardigan where he says “chasing shadows in the grocery line” where hes not actively looking for geralt anymore and it doesnt upset him that he didnt see him.

I guess you never know, never know And if you wanted me, you really should've showed And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow And it's alright now

this is jaskier saying that hes almost glad that it happened because it gave him a new perspective and it was a learning experience. he also says that its alright, which is the second time that hes said hes okay, which probably means he isnt completely, but hes much closer than he was on the rest of the album because hes not still looking for geralt at every turn

I have this dream you're doing cool shit Having adventures on your own You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home We never painted by the numbers, baby But we were making it count You know the greatest loves of all time are over now I guess you never know, never know And it's another day, waking up alone

this is jaskier acknowledging the fact that geralt has probably long since moved on with his life, either with other romantic people or with his life entirely (the first time he does this on the album). he says that while their love or friendship was unconventional it still was definitely something (implying that it may have been one of the greatest loves of his life). and the waking up alone part references quite miss home and being by himself, but it isnt sad, its just a fact at this point.

But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

this is the part where we see that jaskier has grown. hes recognized that his wanting to be with geralt was never anything more than a fleeting wish or a moment that couldn't last. but he knows that it had potential and it could have worked but it didnt and thats okay. in the last chorus the pennies line is “rosé flowing with your chosen family” which implies that he and geralt were close enough to know each others family (chosen or real), meaning that it meant something. and he wouldn't have minded a long term relationship with geralt, but its not what happened.

in new years day jaskier says “dont read the last page” this song is that last page. part of him still doesnt want geralt to know that hes put aside the hope of it working because he wants to still keep himself open for geralt, but knows that its not healthy and ultimately he needs to move on. hes essentially giving geralt the choice: remember jaskier as wanting to get back with him (since the last line of the album would have been “please dont ever become a stranger who's laugh i could recognize anywhere” or let him have the knowledge that jaskier is done with him (since the official last line of the album is “but it would have been fun if you would've been the one”)

anyway thats jaskiers breakup album. i put way too much effort into this. and if you actually read through the whole thing, thank you and please let me know what you think!! if you use this for fics or have your own interpretations please please tag me, id love to see!!

#the witcher #geralt of rivia #geralt #jaskier #julian alfred pankratz #geraskier #wow this took so long #literally so long #id recommend listening to the songs tho theyre all kinda vibey #there's like a million songs i could have used but i liked these ones cause i think they have a very nostalgic vibe #also dont get me wrong jaskier would also eventually release some sones like uhh #truth hurts by lizzo #like very fuck you breakup songs #but this is him being sad first #anyway im literally only posting this cause witcher anon said they wanted to read it #i hope you like it my dude

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whitehotharlots · 4 years

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Andrea Long Chu is the sad embodiment of the contemporary left

Andrea Long Chu’s Females was published about a year ago. It was heavily hyped but landed with mostly not-so-great reviews, and while I was going to try and pitch my own review I figured there was no need. Going through my notes from that period, however, I see how much Chu’s work—and its pre-release hype—presaged the sad state of the post-Bernie, post-hope, COVID-era left. I figured they’d be worth expanding upon here, even if I’m not getting paid to do so.

Chu isn’t even 30 years old, and Females is her debut book, and yet critics were already providing her with the sort of charitable soft-handedness typically reserved for literary masters or failed female political candidates. This is striking due to the purported intensity of the book: a love letter to would-be assassin Valerie Solanas, the thesis of which is that all humans are female, and that such is true because female-ness is a sort of terminal disease stemming not from biology but from one’s inevitable subjugation in larger social contexts. Everyone is a woman because everyone suffers. Big brain shit.

But, of course, not everyone is a female. Of course. Females are females only some of the time. But, also, everyone is a female. Femaleness is just a title, see. Which means it can be selectively applied whenever and however the author chooses to apply it. The concept of “female” lies outside the realm of verifiability. Suggesting to subject it to any form of logic or other means of adjudication means you’re missing the point. Femaleness simply exists, but only sometimes, and those sometimes just so happen to be identifiable only to someone possessed with as a large a brain as Ms. Chu. We are past the need for coherence, let alone truth or honesty. And if you don’t agree that’s a sign that you are broken—fragile, illiterate, hateful, humorless.

Chu’s writing—most famously, her breakthrough essay “On Liking Women”—establishes her prose style: long, schizophrenic paragraphs crammed with unsustainable metaphors meant to prove various fuzzy theses simultaneously. Her prose seems kinda sorta provocative but only when read on a sentence-by-sentence level, with the reader disregarding any usual expectations of cohesion or connection.

This emancipation from typical writerly expectations allows Chu to wallow proudly in self-contradiction and meaninglessness. As she notes herself, explicitly, meaning isn’t the point. Meaning doesn’t even exist. It’s just, like, a feeling:

I mean, I don’t like pissing people off per se. Yes, there is a pleasure to that sometimes, sure. I think that my biggest takeaway from graduate school is that people don’t say things or believe things—they say them because it makes them feel a particular way or believing them makes them feel a particular way. I’ve become hyper aware of that, and the sense in which I’m pissing people off is more about bringing that to consciousness for the reader. The reason you’re reacting against this is not because it contradicts what you think is true, it’s because it prevents you from having the feeling that the thing you think is the truth lets you feel.

And so she can get away with saying that of course she doesn’t actually believe that everyone is a female, the same as her idol Valerie Solanas didn’t actually want to kill all men. The writers, Chu and Valerie, are just sketching out a dumb idea as a fun little larf, to see how far they can push a manifestly absurd thought. If they just so happen to shoot a gay man at point blank range and/or make broader left movements so repulsive that decent people get driven away, so be it. And if any snowflakes complain about their tactics, well that’s just proof of how right they are. Provocation is justification—the ends and the means. The fact that this makes for disastrous and harmful politics is beside the point. All that matters is that Chu gets to say what she wants to say.

This blunt rhetorical move—which is difficult to describe without sounding like I’m exaggerating or making stuff up, since it’s so insane—papers over Chu’s revanchist and violent beliefs. Her work is soaked with approving portrayals of Solanas’ eliminationist rhetoric—of course, Chu doesn’t’ actually mean it, even though she does. Men are evil, even as they don’t really fully exist since everyone is a woman, ergo eliminating men improves the world. Chu goes so far as to suggest that being a trans woman makes her a bigger feminist than Solanas or any actual woman could ever be, because the act of her transitioning led to the world containing fewer men. Again: big brain shit.

I’ll leave it to a woman to comment on the imperiousness of a trans woman insisting that she is bestest and realest kind of woman, that biological women are somehow flawed imposters. I will stress, however, that such a claim comes as a means of justifying a politically disastrous assertion that more or less fully justifies the most reactionary gender critical arguments, which regard all trans women as simply mentally ill men (this line of reasoning is so incredibly stupid that even a dullard like Rod Drehar can rebut it with ease). Trans activists have spent years establishing an understanding of transsexualism as a matter of inherent identity—whether or not you agree with that assertion, you have to admit that it has political propriety and has gone a long way in normalizing transness. Chu rejects this out of hand, embracing instead the revanchist belief that transness is attributable to taking sexual joy in finding oneself embarrassed and/or feminized—an understanding of womanhood that is simultaneously essentialist and tokenizing. When asked about the materially negative potential in expressing such a belief, Chu reacts with a usual word salad of smug self-contradiction:

EN: You say in the book that sissy porn was formative of your coming to consciousness as a trans woman. If you hadn’t found sissy porn, do you think it’s possible that you might have just continued to suffer in the not-knowing?

ALC: That’s a really good question. It’s plausible to me that I never would have figured it out, that it would have taken longer.

EN: How does that make you feel? Is that idea scary?

ALC: It isn’t really. Maybe it should be a little bit more, but it isn’t really. One of the things about desire is that you can not want something for the first 30 years of your life and wake up one day and suddenly want it—want it as if you might as well have always wanted it. That’s the tricky thing about how desire works. When you want something, there’s a way in which you engage in a kind of revisionism, the inability to believe that you could have ever wanted anything else.

EN: People often talk about the ubiquity of online porn as a bad thing—I’ve heard from lots of girlfriends that men getting educated about sex by watching porn leads to bad sex—but there seems to me a way in which this ubiquity is helping people to understand themselves, their sexuality and their gender identity.

ALC: While I don’t have the research to back this up, I would certainly anecdotally say that sissy porn has done something in terms of modern trans identity, culture, and awareness. Of course, it’s in the long line of sexual practices like crossdressing in which cross-gender identification becomes a key factor. It’s not that all of the sudden, in 2013, there was this thing and now there are trans people. However, it is undoubted that the Internet has done something in terms of either the sudden existence of more trans people or the sudden revelation that there are more trans people than anyone knew there were. Whether it’s creation or revelation, I think everyone would agree that the internet has had an enormous impact there.

One of the things I find so fascinating about sissy porn is that it’s not just that I can hear about these trans people who live 20 states away from me and that their experiences sound like mine. There is a component of it that’s just sheer mass communication and its transformative effect, but another part of it is that the internet itself can exert a feminizing force. That is the implicit claim of sissy porn, the idea that sissy porn made me trans is also the idea that Tumblr made me trans. So, the question there is whether or not the erotic experience that became possible with the Internet actually could exert an historically unique feminizing force. I like, at least as a speculative claim, to think about how the Internet itself is feminizing.

Politics, like, don’t matter. So, like, okay, nothing I say matters? So it’s okay if I say dumb and harmful shit because, like, they’re just words, man.

Chu can’t fully embrace this sort of gradeschool nihilism, though, because if communication was truly as meaningless as she claims then any old critic could come along and tell her to shut the fuck up. Even as she claims to eschew all previously existing means of adjudicating morality and coherence, she nonetheless relies on the cheapest means of making sure she maintains a platform: validation via accreditation. This is all simple victimhood hierarchy. Anyone who does not defer all of their own perceptions to someone higher up the hierarchy is inherently incorrect, their trepidations serving to validate the beliefs of the oppressed:

I like to joke that, as someone who is always right, the last thing I want is to be agreed with. [Laughs] I think the true narcissist probably wants to be hated in order to know that she’s superior. I absolutely do court disagreement in that sense. But what I like even better are arguments that bring about a shift in terms along an axis that wasn’t previously evident. So it’s not just that other people are wrong; it’s that their wrongness exists within a system of evaluation which itself is irrelevant.

Chu has summoned the most cynical possible interpretation of Walter Ong’s suggestion that “Writing is an act of violence disguised as an act of charity.” Of course, any effective piece of communication requires some degree of persuasion, convincing a reader, listener, viewer, or user to subjugate their perceptions to those of the communicator. Chu creates—not just leans on or benefits from, but actively posits and demands fealty to—the suggestion that her voice is the only one deserving of attention by virtue of it being her own. That’s it. That’s what all her blathering and bluster amount to. Political outcomes do not matter. Honesty does not matter. What matters is her, because she is her.

This is the inevitable result of a discourse that prizes a communicator’s embodied identity markers more than anything those communicators are attempting to communicate, and in which a statement is rendered moral or true based only upon the presence or absence of certain identity markers. Lived experience trumps all else. A large, non-passing trans woman is therefore more correct than pretty much anyone else, no matter how harmful or absurd her statements may be. She is also better than them. And smarter. And gooder.

Designating lived experience and subjective feelings of safety as the only acceptable forms of adjudication has caused the left to prize individualism to a degree that would have made Ronald Reagan blush. And this may explain the lukewarm reception of Chu’s book.

While they heaped praise upon her before the books’ release, critics backed off once they realized that Females is an embarrassingly apt reflection of intersectional leftism—a muddling, incoherent mess, utterly disconnected from any attempt toward persuasion or consensus, the product of a movement that has come to regard neurosis as insight. The deranged mewlings of a grotesque halfwit are only digestable a few pages at a time. Any more than that, and we begin to see within them far too much of the things that define our awful movement and our terrifying moment.

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rqs902 · 4 years

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IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS

ITS MY BOY ENYU!!!! ON THE FRONT PAGE???? okay also a big deal for zhaohao and li hao too!!!

ok now into part 2 of the ep

interesting that they focused on junhao for everybody. can understand he probably has the most different and struggle experience so probably more interesting for dramas sake lol im surprised they dont spend more time on shengen, considering his popularity.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA JUNHAO FREAKING OUT over the fact that they only learned the dance for 40 mins. LOL thats the level of tyger + kou cong + shengen, i can imagine the struggle of the yang guang nan hai group in comparison AHAHA i just imagine him running down the hall freaking out like HOW DID THEY LEARN THE DANCE IN JUST ONE CLASS WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE

lollll “theyre all dachang boys” “theyre all zhang yixing’s students” HAHAHAH you know even though he is slightly struggling compared to the rest, he aint bad and theyre all taking it light hearted with laughter so seems like a good learning environment! and he’s confident he’ll get it LOL thats good! i think thats what makes him so amusing

HAHAHA i love how lin mo just keeps giggling at junhao like he genuinely just finds him so amusing LOL yay for making new friends

awww bc junhao’s always been a leader i feel like for him to finally feel like hes being taken care of is so nice. i have absolute confidence that this group will treat him kindly. AW HE CALLED HIM MOMO

im still disappointed they have YET to show zhan yu’s funny/strange personality and this wouldve been a great opportunity bc hes surrounded by friends he’s comfortable with!! like his friendship with kou cong! or akey and lin mo! but sigh...

THEY PUT ZHAN YU IN THE FRONT FOR THE SEXUAL LINE HAHAHHA PERFECT BUT I SEE LIN MO BEING ONE OF THE ONLY ONES NOT SHOWING HIS ABS HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

wow the lyrics are so fitting for lin mo to scream LOL but also ay his vocals?! aw im glad they put in a little rap for shengen and akey! honestly was kinda hoping for more bc they havent had a proper stage together before and i feel like itd be awesome but also junhao and zhan yu vocalization at the end was on point!!

lol all the kids being like zhang pd’s words are so detailed and professional... sigh theyve been missing out until now

im glad they really pointed out how each member of this team did well! they really all did a great job with each of their parts, and they each got a little part to shine, and when put together, it was a complete performance. im proud of them and happy for them!

aw.... i feel like we’ve been waiting so long to hear lin mo get complimented.... i feel like it’s been since qcyn namanana that we’ve been waiting for him to redeem himself and climb back up to the peak. ugh its been nearly a year and a half. im just so terrified of whats gonna happen next bc im way too skeptical at this point to expect this high to continue, esp with what happened after namanana last time......... but for now, im happy. relieved hes finally getting the recognition he deserves and im happy that hes happy. lol i was also half scared we were gonna get spirit of the knight-ed again with his pink hair (nightmare flashbacks to lin mo and changxi’s deletion from that perf) i dont think ill ever get over that :( i feel like as a lin mo stan, ive been trained to not keep my hopes up and to prepare for the worst bc hes the type of person who just always gets the short end of the stick, it feels like.

aw the part when they go back to the waiting room and jin fan is waiting for them with an encouraging smile and the whole exchange of "帥的真的帥的" "哇~可以吧" "我沒想到" "那必須的" our leader did them proud :’)

ugh the part where luo jie calls them and tells them he can’t come back........ heart breaking. i can see why lin ran and xikan would be really affected. lin ran has been luo jie’s go-to since he left and knowing how their usual friendship involves making fun of one another and jokingly complaining about each other, it hits hard when lin ran says he cried his eyes out. it hurts that they didnt get to share the stage again before he left. xikan may not have shared the stage with luo jie during ip, but hes known him since then and has been with him through both rounds here. it interesting bc i feel like the namanana perf was very light hearted on qcyn but i cant see that happening here, esp with their outfits?

aw shiwei and chaowen taking charge to raise their spirits :’)

lin ran’s voice fits so well with this song wow! i really like his lines! also lol i didnt know xikan would have abs but okay and tbh im always hesitant about dances with props bc it always is so easy to look messy..... like every slight difference in angle in the way you hold your arms is immediately magnified

and like sxl’s fan is obviously broken and having performed fan dances myself i know that that’s like the most annoying thing to happen on stage, and can be really difficult to deal with, even tho it happens ALL THE TIME with those types of fans ugh :(

i mean its super kind of them to leave luo jie’s space empty for him, but its kinda weird to have parts of the audio missing sadly :( and also chaowen’s voice did something weird in the middle there, like its sounds weirdly weak

wait didnt yixing tell them to close the fan? but they didnt?

xikan’s facial expressions are perfecttt, good for him! wish they gave more screen time to shiwei during shiwei’s lines lol... but also i cant help but hear lin mo’s voice during that part LOL ugh speaking of which i miss that team dynamic namanana team a on qcyn HAHAHAH hwx being a brat and fjj running around wild and lin mo giving up on them all just laughing like idiots for hours on end while bo yuan just judges them from a corner LOL i love the beginning of the wenxuan and lin mo friendship good times :’)

HAHAH ENYU AGAIN WITH THE REALEST COMMENTS - i agree AHHAHAH i love these kids too but there was something off about this stage

im surprised but also not surprised by what the judges are saying

o didnt realize sxl was supposed to be center but i guess that explains the big puffy thing on his shoulder lol.......... agree with cx tho, even without his broken fan, i think the fans made them look worse bc it just looked messy

well idk if we’re getting all the stages today but at least jin fan’s is also getting aired! TYGER HUG FOR JIN FAN YESS

jin fan teaching them dance? yes thank you for showing us he is a good dancer. oof jin fan’s just too nice :( hes trying to avoid conflict too much that it caused conflict smh......... lol oscar trying to talk to su er hes having such struggle i feel that bro LOL hes doing really well though, tbh being relatively young, hes really trying his best and is being reasonable.

LOL HE CALLED HIM JIN FAN GE i forgot jin fan is considered old lol..... jin fan really taking the higher road here and im glad they sat together and talked it out a bit

THE JIN FAN VOICE YESSSS hahahhaha kou cong holding the tyger sign!!

oo is that some of his bel canto-style singing coming through LOL

AY NICE for hong weihao and oscar to put in some rap

some of those high notes were a bit questionable at the end but okay jin fan is really claiming that vocal + dance teacher role i see.... interesting

but agree with yixing that he doesnt need to force himself to do high notes bc his voice is so nice regardless!! yay for oscar getting recognition! im still waiting for jin fan to do a cool dance performance sigh

wasnt expecting an enyu feature BUT ILL TAKE IT

oof huang enyu saying hes really trying to put himself out there by going for leader and the realest comment that he hasnt considered getting to debut he just wants to pass this round oof and he feels like his opportunities may be cut short bc hes getting old oof

enyu and chenxu crying watching the movie

AW THEIR HAHA VIDEOS ARE THE CUTEST THING I LOVE THESE KIDSSS so sad that so many of them are at risk of elimination :( im glad these vocals made their own friend group! I hope itll be a memory they carry forward. they do all have shared experiences as vocals on this show.

this reaction to junrong’s voice

same tho :’) but actually all of their voices are so so nice like actually these 5 are all people whose voices ive really listened for on this show, but wow renyu’s voice in particular like really ugh just sounds so pure

also enyu looks really nice in this performance but thats a side note okay moving on

i mean literally these reactions

and li hao crying while singing and so many kids in the waiting room crying while watching OOF this perf has got me emotional

HAHAHHAHA THEIR INTROS HAHAHHA

UGH ENYU his plea just.... the way he yelled it bc it mustve taken courage and it mustve been a frustration on his mind for a while now and bc maybe he wouldve broken down if he hadnt yelled it out but im really crying now.... and its so out of character for him that you know he really really is feeling desperate and feels the need to speak out

lol wait gjm posted on weibo about him? is that why hes getting more attention lol..........

i really hope the vocals win :(

no tygers in the next ep preview? hmmMMMMMmm okay

well also interesting that they put the other 4 perfs with the elims...... seems sketch but at least most of my kids got to go this week ahhhhhh i feel bad for the other groups already. esp the ones with the kids who arent as popular...

#rants

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periilune · 5 years

Note

Answer all 200

damn okay you asked for it:

(this was asked a long time ago and its just being posted now bc its 200 fuckin questions f u kars jk love you)

1. What is your middle name?

Elizabeth

2. Do you have any nicknames?

Liz, Laur, Lau, Squid, Koala, Rhyne, Babe

3. Do you have any allergies?

Not to my knowledge

4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?

Too long,, like I could sit on it

5. Apple or PC?

6. Favorite flavor?

In general probably some kinda cheese but for sweet stuff is cookie dough

7. Have you ever been on a blind date?

Bold of you to assume I’ve even been on a date (no I haven’t)

8. Are you friends with any of your exes?

2 of them actually!

9. What kind of car do you drive?

I can’t even drive,, but I have a Toyota Avalon waiting for me when I can

10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?

It really depends, I’m very correct when texting adults, decent when texting acquaintances, absolute disaster with good friends

11. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

Probs the UK or Italy, the UK bc I have several friends there and its very nice, and Italy for good food and good views

12. Creamy or chunky peanut butter?

Creamy all the way

13. Favorite food to pig out on?

Pizza

14. DC or Marvel?

Marvel!

15. Disney or Nickelodeon?

God idk,, probably Nickelodeon

16. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer?

Yes, one from Kiawah Island (very nice place) and a couple random ones

17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it?

The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan, considering that was like my 3rd time reading it yeah I do

18. Do you read any magazines?

Nah

19. Coffee or tea?

Not a fan of either, I guess I’d pick coffee

20. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?

Red Velvet Frappucino

21. How many things can do with your weaker hand?

Oh You Know ;) in all honestly not much, I can catch because I used to play softball

22. Last show you binge watched?

Currently binge watching My Hero Academia!

23. Dogs or cats?

Cats

24. Favorite Disney princess?

Mulan or Moana I think

25. Do you like fast food?

Generally yeah

26. Favorite thing to cook for yourself?

Pasta and some type of garlic or cheesy or toasted bread

27. Favorite song to sing in the shower?

Currently Morning in America by John Bellion

28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?

I don’t think so

29. iPhone/iPad or Android?

Android

30. Any styles of music you do not like?

Most country tbh, excluding John Denver n Carrie Underwood they’re both great

31. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it?

Not quite, but pretty close. We were dating so I’d say I liked it

32. Have you ever gotten a ticket while driving?

I can’t drive so no!

33. Favorite emoji?

💖 or 🍒 I think

34. Showers or baths?

Showers for convenience, but the occasional bath is nice to relax

35. Is there anything you regret buying?

Some clothes I have I don’t like, my fake airpods that don’t work

36. Are you fluent in more than one language?

Not yet, but I’m learning Spanish!

37. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over again and enjoy just as much every time?

Black Panther, The Last Unicorn, any of The Lord of the Rings trilogy

38. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?

Around 155-160 pounds

39. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many and where?

Not yet

40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?

Yep.

41. Favorite school subject?

I used to love English but not so much anymore, right now in in Psychology and its really cool tbh

42. Favorite non-chocolate candy?

Fuckin uh,, airheads are pretty good

43. Name one celebrity you dislike.

Johnny Depp is a shitty abuser.

44. If you could have one superpower, which one would you most like to have?

Telekinesis I think

45. From 1-10, rate your singing ability.

46. From 1-10, rate your dancing ability.

47. From 1-10, rate your cooking ability.

48. From 1-10, rate your driving ability.

49. Are you religious?

I’m really not sure, I was raised religious but I’m questioning a lot atm

50. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?

Yep, I like Cherry Coke

51. Have you ever locked your keys in your car?

No, but I’ve been with someone who has

52. Spring or autumn?

Autumn

53. Do you play any sports?

Not now, but I’ve played soccer, softball, and basketball in the past

54. Can you play any musical instruments?

Nope

55. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

Introverted

56. How easily do you cry?

My dude,, so easily

57. Last musical artist you saw live?

My Lord and Savior Avi Kaplan

58. Favorite YouTube channel?

Not 2 be That person but I genuinely like Markiplier tbh

59. Star Wars or Star Trek?

Star Wars

60. How long have you known your best friend?

Well 1 of them funnily enough our moms knew each other when he was a baby and I was unborn, but we really met in 6th grade. My other best friend I met about 3 years ago :)

61. Have you ever voted for a reality show?

I think so

62. Last CD you bought? uhhhhh maybe a pentatonix cd dunno which one

63. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship?

Nope I’m the one who gets dumped

64. Have you ever been broken up with? See above (3 times)

65. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show? Nah

66. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?

A year and 3 months currently, and yes

67. Have you seen any Broadway plays or musicals?

Nope

68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?

Yes! I’ve been in The Wizard of Oz (twice!), Little Shop of Horrors, Seussical the Musical, and the Little Mermaid

69. How flexible are you?

Not very

70. Have you ever sexted? Yes…

71. Do you own any clothes from garage sales or thrift stores?

Yep

72. Real or fake Christmas trees?

We’ve had a fake one my whole life, but I’d like to have a real one some day

73. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2-3

74. How well can you write in cursive?

Not great, but I can get the job done

75. What is your political affiliation?

Not officially affiliated, but rather left

76. Do you like any boy bands?

The Backstreet Boys duh

77. Have you ever broken any bones?

Just a couple small ones in my toe

78. Have you ever gotten any stitches?

Nah

79. Do you have any piercings in places other than your ears?

Not yet

80. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it? One of my favorite pairs of shorts is pretty old

81.Do you like wearing hats?

Depends on the hat, I have a handful of baseball caps I like

82. Have you ever dyed your hair?

At one point I had the tips dyed purple, but now I regularly dye it to make it slightly lighter and redder

83. From 1-10, how competitive are you?

Like 8 probably, I’m not very athletic but I’m competitive about other things

84. How long have you been at your current job?

Since November 2017

85. Have you ever studied abroad?

Nope

86. Phrase you say the most?

“Oof”

87. Have you ever quit a job?

Nah

88. Have you ever gotten fired from a job?

Nah

89. Have you ever won a trophy? If so, what for?

Yes! For cheerleading competitions, 3rd place in making a video for a club, in a soccer tournament, and probably some others idk

90. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout?

I was a girl scout but that was a while ago

91. Last thing that made you laugh?

Uhh last night some dumb meme my boyfriend showed me

92. Do you eat meat?

Yes

93. Are you more of a morning or a night person?

Night person, but I’m also old so it’s hard to stay up late

94. Worst habit?

Chewing fingernails, isolating myself from people when I’m sad

95. Deepest fear?

Uhhh that everyone who says they care about me is actually lying and talking about me behind my back

96. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah pretty much

97. If you could take home any animal from the zoo, what animal would you take?

An otter! I love them

98. Do you consider rapping singing?

I wouldn’t say it’s singing bc its different, but it’s certainly an art form and it has every place in the music industry

99. Favorite costume you wore for Halloween? How old were you?

When i was a ninja that was sick, i was probably 12-13

100. Favorite store to shop at?

For clothes? Maybe Plato’s Closet (nice secondhand place) but I also do a lot of online shopping

101. Have you ever given anyone CPR?

102. Favorite Pokémon?

Cresselia is dope but also Eevee

103. Do you own any homemade clothing?

Probably

104. Do you drink alcohol at all? If so, what is your drink of choice?

I’ve drunk once, vodka mixed with Hawaiian punch and it was p good

105. Have you ever skinny dipped?

No i’m fat

106. Favorite type of cookie?

Warm chocolate chunk

107. Favorite flavor of ice cream?

Oreo or chocolate chip cookie dough. The best thing i’ve ever had was a red velvet oreo milkshake tho

108. Biggest pet peeve?

When people interrupt or ignore me

109. Are you still friends with anyone from high school?

I mean I just graduated so yes

110. Favorite literary character?

Oohhhh, maybe Sam from LoTR? He was the realest friend ever

111. Are your birth parents still together?

Yeah

112. Do you wear or have your ever worn glasses?

Nope, 20/20 babeyyyy

113. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang out with?

Like 6, one of those being my mom lol

114. Have you ever been the victim of a prank?

Not that I can remember

115. Do you belong to a fraternity or a sorority?

116. Have you ever taken a nude selfie?

perhaps..

117. Are you adopted?

118. Favorite fandom?

Ugh fandoms r gross, maybe the rwby fandom?

119. Oldest memory?

Trying to strangle myself at pre-school aged 4 lmaoooo

120. Have you ever snorted when you laughed?

A couple times

121. Can you drive stick?

Can’t drive at all!

122. Favorite Disney song?

How Far I’ll Go, or maybe Go The Distance

123. Random boy’s name.

Leo

124. Random girls’ name.

Natalie

125. How often do you eat out at a nice restaurant?

Once a month? Not often, I’ve done it twice in 3 days recently tho bc it was my birthday

126. How many people are in your nuclear family?

3, me and my parents

127. What accent do you consider the most attractive?

Gosh, not to be basic but probably British, although I don’t really know many others

128. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?

INFP i think? Maybe INFJ

129. What is your astrological sign?

Leo! (capricorn moon and cancer rising)

130. Biggest regret?

Trying to make someone care again who had no intention of doing so

131. What type of shoes do you wear the most?

My checkered vans, I swear I wore them every day of senior year

132. Do you like any soap operas?

133. Do you listen to talk radio?

Not often

134. What sports team(s) do you root for?

SF Giants, Carolina Panthers, Charlotte Hornets, Duke, Kentucky

135. Describe your sense of humor.

Ridiculously stupid, inside jokes

136. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender?

Yeah, my ex-girlfriend lmao

137. Favorite video game?

Overwatch

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised.

When i got a mf perfect score on my ACT

139. Do you believe in serendipity?

I had to look that up but I guess so

140. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was done?

I don’t think so, one time the movie malfunctioned and cut off like an hour in and we had to leave

141. Have you ever felt you were born in the wrong period of history?

Nah, everything has always sucked, but now is somewhat less sucky than before bc we have the internet

142. Is sex before marriage wrong?

143. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

Yes omg, fuckin Girls Like You, fuck you Adam Levine

144. Can you handle spicy food?

Only slightly spicy

145. Have you ever called a non-lover a term such as darling, honey, babe, or dear?

I call my friend Ryker babe all the time, and call most of my friends “love”

146. Do you like MTV?

Nah not really

147. Where on your body are you the most ticklish?

Probably ribs area

148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

The Princess Bride is so quotable, so maybe that idk, I quote memes more than anything

149. Have you ever lived with a roommate you didn’t get along with?

Can I say my parents? I’ve never lived not in my house, but I’m about to go to college and I hope I like my roommate

150. Where do you think is the best place to meet a new lover?

Either school or through mutual friends?

151. Have you ever successfully been on a diet?

I mean I’ve lost weight but it wasn’t a diet, just not eating lol

152. Favorite thing to do outside?

Have a photoshoot, jk I love looking at flowers, also swimming is good

153. Where did you go on your last vacation?

Kiawah Island, for grad week

154. Do you say “y'all” at all?

Yes, I live in the south and started using it ironically but now I can’t stop

155. Have you ever lived on a farm?

156. Do you believe in evolution?

There’s scientific evidence for it, so yes

157. What TV channel do you watch the most?

Honestly HGTV those houses are awesome

158. Favorite Beatles song?

Hmmmm, Maybe A Day In The Life or Eleanor Rigby, I Am The Walrus is always good too ngl

159. Have you ever been on TV?

On like the local channels for school awards and such

160. Have you ever been to Disney World or Disneyland?

I went to Disneyland last summer!

161. Do you like horror movies?

Not really, I’m a pussy

162. Do you like to go fishing?

163. Have you ever been hunting?

164. Do you take medication for anything?

Yes, for ye olde depression

165. Name one item from your bucket list.

Get a novel published

166. From 1-10, how much do you like children?

3 maybe, they’re kinda annoying

167. Have you ever thought about your wedding?

Yes, but my ideas have changed over time

168. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?

No, but I’d like to

169. Favorite flower?

Hmmm Sunflowers? or Snapdragons, or the pink magnolias

170. Do you collect anything?

Enamel pins, and rwby blind box figurines (it’s not an addiction I swear)

171. Who was the last person you told a lie to?

My mom probably

172. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?

Nope

173. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true?

Not that I know of

174. What was your favorite toy to play with when you were a child?

Hmmmm I had this little Narnia figurine set that I loved, also a bunch of littlest pet shop toys

175. How good are you at math?

Pretty good, I took AP Calculus in high school and got an A, doesn’t mean I liked it

176. Have you ever learned anything from a how-to YouTube video?

Not that I can think of right now

177. Have you ever participated in a science fair?

Yes, it was required in 6th grade

178. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender?

Womanhood is difficult and I often wish I did not have to bear it, but I’ve made peace with it

179. Have you ever participated in a public protest?

No, I’m scared

180. Do you have a pool at your house?

181. Have you ever hosted a wild party?

No lol, the wildest was probably my birthday party when we all got high and then had a 1 am McDonalds run because munchies

182. Do you like karaoke?

Not really

183. Have you ever written a love letter?

Kind of yes, I’m rather sappy

184. Have you ever ran a marathon?

God no, I’ve done a lot of 5Ks though

185. How often do you get mad at yourself?

So much, I suck

186. Any guilty pleasures?

Probably shitty old Warrior Cats AMVs, those are great when you’re bored and need to remember your roots

187. Fruits or vegetables?

Vegetables solely because potatoes fuckin slap

188. Do you live in a house or an apartment?

In a house, but I’m about to move into a dorm

189. The countryside or the suburbs?

Suburbs, I’ve lived in them my whole life, also listen to Subdivisions by Rush it’s great

190. Worst job you’ve ever had?

I’ve only had 1 job so I guess working at Chick-fil-A

191. Do you hang out with any of your co-workers?

Yes, one of them was my friend from school as well so I hang out with her regularly

192. Were you ever voted homecoming/prom king or queen?

Nope, but my good friends were prom king and queen!

193. Were you voted a “best” or “most likely to” in high school?

No, but I was “Most Likely To Be President - Girl” in elementary school so take that

194. Have you ever gotten detention?

No I’m a good kid

195. Have you ever babysat?

Yes, we watched disney movies and played dress-up

196. Have you ever taken a road trip just for the fun of it?

Nah, but I’d like to

197. How many drinks get you tipsy?

Idk, I was a little funny after 2 vodka spiked punches so

198. Were you a part of any academic clubs in high school or college?

Certainly yes, Technology Student Association, Beta club, Book club

199. Have you ever given a public speech, aside from your schooling?

I did the sermon one Sunday at church, but I’m not a big fan of public speaking

200. How long have you been on tumblr?

5 years in november! (God thats awful)

@officieel i did it bastard

#asks #officieel #if you've ever wanted to know anything about me here it is

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thelunar-halo · 3 years

Text

This morning about 2 until 4.30 am, i had a conversation with Vennie. She slept over at my house, with Yessi too but Yessi was sleeping.

We talked about love like girls always do at the first. She was so in doubt with her love story. She loves a man for long like 5 years but they don’t have any status for it. Its her first love. The first time she knew whats love and he’s the first man but now he’s far gone. Vennie is also the first woman i know in my life that believes her intuition hard. She believes in connections. And she believes he’s the one she’s been waiting for to come. The arrival, the moments, some things about this guy she found out she just already knew before he said it. She felt like she has known him forever. Their meeting was like reunited. One side, she has faith on it, thats why she keeps on sticking only for him no one else but him. But the other side she felt unfair. The non existance of the status and contact made she thought its only one sided feeling, its only her falling in love with him and he’s not, she thought she was just for him having fun with. She couldn’t control herself, her feeling her bad thoughts. The broken heart brought her to breakdown years. Once she thought love hurt her, love also broke her life. She has no desire right now about her life. It’s interesting. She has that faith, but she’s broken of it. She said deep inside her heart, she want to keep waiting for him to come because of this connection. But sometimes she kinda realize “Ah it’s just my imagination to have him falling in love with me." She knew it was her need of possession that broke her down. She lost the feeling of pureness and giving with no intention.

About one sided love; I’ve ever been in what i thought one sided love. I thought it was only me that loved him but he didn’t. The idea of one sided love in relationship exist real lasted for long in my head. Until one day i stop believing it. There’s no one sided love in relationship and no one ever gonna stop loving someone he used to love. Why? It was the interest made you one, the habit of togetherness, the feeling of needing, the intense connection. The want of giving the best for each other and make it the best for each other. I used to call it love. And the love is never gone but it blend in with another emotions and because we feel it everyday, we feel just normal. There is no sparkling anymore because it become normal feeling just like happy and sad that we’ve been known for long. The sparkling is only for ‘new’ feeling, new person. We think we stop loving but we’re not. The connection never gone. The connection never come from one person, it happens because both feel the same. But the portion never the same accurately. Some people will be more the other one a bit less. And the feeling will be different for each person you meet. So if your heart said you had a connection with someone, trust it because it's real. But then am i a narcistic to think like that?

We then pull one perspective of love and the possesion; the love is surely pure but we position it, we intreprete it wrong. Love better should be what you give to others without the expectation to get it the same way. Love should be what supports you, give the clear vision of yourself and the world you want it to be, it should be what makes you bring out the best of you. Since the soul of the universe is love. It’s everywhere. Just take it and spread it.

If you do have the expectation of get it the same way as you give to other, you’re not wrong either actually. As long as this love doesn’t make you manipulate yourself and others. In the process of love, you must have a great self control. Because sometimes it can be driven by obsession and the need to fill yourself up. That’s why sometimes you make tricks, you play games to get it. Sometimes you chase it, you think about it hard, you cry over yourself to sleep everynight and in another stage you count your efforts and label yourself is the one’s hurting then stop. While in our recently thought; the need to possess is real. Chase the love is positive but in other side, it won’t make you forget the essence of loving. You should be happier, greater, warmer when you feel love. And you believe in God’s time and oneness with universe. Not the opposite of it. Not forcing it.

We all have been there. We all have been pure and wrong. But that’s not wrong either. This life is supposed to be the journey of finding out every secret and finding out the deeper side of what we’ve thought we’ve already understood. They say the path of the journey is spiral; we keep coming back to the point we were before to see deeper truth and deeper meaning. It means we will always learn to love all of our life. So do with everything. Its dynamic, our perspective could change anytime.

From this point, we started to questioning again; is actually the love real? Or what if actually love is not real thing, turn out its the unity of every emotions and the characters of human being? I mean like; we have happy, sad, angry, excited etc and we need to feel it and it united with the needs of belonging to complete ourself, the need of socialize with one another, the need to prove ourself, the need of place to throwing away the emotions out. It’s the need to our ego. Wait what, till this point i started to feel this mind getting wild and i started to confused and doubting. I was surprised it came out from my mind from my mouth. I started to think another side of what i’ve been believing for long. And now i got a new task to find it out. What’s the meaning of love for real? Now i’m ameen-ing what i’ve believed of life; to find out everything. And this leaded to the conversation of “What this life is for..”

Nobody could give the rightest answer that everyone in this world could agree in seconds. Some people said life is about waiting for death. Some: life is about doing the best you could to others. Some: life is about practicing yourself to the realest life beside God. Some: life is a trial. Some: life is about only yourself and you. Some: just live and follow the rhythm until we find out. Some desperate: life is to suffer. Life is not what i want. And many more definitions. And we all are right. Life is what you believe. Life is not fix defined. You define it by yourself. I believe, Vennie believed life is to find out. I believe, life is not once. Life can be hundreds time but in different universe. For me life is a spiritual journey. Everything in life is vibration and energy. We have pieces of stars inside our body; we have naturally chemical in our body that also exist in the space and world. We all are pieces, and this energy, this chemical things and this vibration has one big source. The biggest greatest source. I define it as God. And life for me is to be connected to this super source, to God. But to know where to God is, we have no clue. We have to find out. We meditations, yoga, exercise, learning new things, improve hobbies, balance the body and the mind, we do everything to highten our vibration to connect to all vibration in everything in this Earth, to find out and connect with the universe inside my body. Every thing that related to it to find God. I’m an hopeless romantic person that believe in magic, fairy tales and dreams. In other side, this belief leads me to the invincible things by eyes that can be felt only by heart. I believe dreams and magic are real in somewhere out there far away from this world. This thought always keeps me alive. When i believe in other world, another powers, it also make me the details on this Earth. Which i couldn’t put into words well. But the point; i see feelings of other creatures, i see plants differently, i see no difference between every creatures, i believe in no coincidences, i believe in no time exists, i notice everything differently. But this is not final vision, it’s still a task for me to dive deeper. And there was Vennie sitting in front of me and agreed. In that time our minds getting wilder but felt content and needed many more. In seconds we become hopeful and excited. In the process of finding God, we also finding ourself. And it’s amazing. Life is incredible experience for us. Till this point, material things doesn’t matter that much. We have everything inside this body and this world.

Now what about death? What is death?

I started to think the essence of death differently. After we found out what life is, we started to live the life by this belief. When you believe life is journey, you keep on walking and finding out every secret and the universe supporting you. You keep looking until one time you say to yourself : i’ve done. I’ve found out. I’m satisfied and now i’m ready to find another journey. Then you ask God to take you and it happen. Its not philosophy, its physic; when you match the energy with the reality you want, it happens. For those who decide life is only to follow the rhythm, they put the energy in to it and it happen exactly like the want, they found it, the meaning. Then their time is finished. Then they leave the world. So i think now we leave the world after we have decided the meaning of living itself. It makes sense when we see some wise men that leave the world without any fear of pain like they’ve already predicted when their time finish is. Fuuuuh it blew our mind again. Once again; its our theory. The more we talk, the more definitions and perspectives come out.

Remember when Bg Fadli said “My mom told me, faith is not what you’re looking for when you’re looking for something. Faith should be your guidelines. It should be there first before you step.” It gave another perspective; While you’re looking for the meaning of life and death or love, or everything, the first time you must have faith. One guideline. So whenever you lost, you know what to hold on to. I’ll learn it again, okay.

We stopped this topic and went to the topic; Okay but this is our world, the world inside our head. And everyone is not in the same page on us. We can’t ignore the existence of another world in another heads. How can we survive in society while we are on our journey? The answer easily pop up in my mind; build the castle of you inside your mind. Where you’re the queen, you rule, you trick, you manage. Build a figure what you want to show everyone you are. From this, build your character, because this is what makes them treat you later. It’s okay to fake it at the first until it become your habit and yourself. Have a great self control. It’s all our self defense. We still never know what might happen next and sometimes yourself can be your biggest enemy too and it’d be great if we can control ourself first. Castle is for people out there to define your home but in your own home you’re free you wanna be who. Back to the realest you. I never demand people to be fake, but fake can be good as long as you don’t manipulate for benefits or hurting people and that's okay. But behind everything, being kind and pure is not the choice, it’s the most important thing to do. Don’t ever lose it.

Value. Is what we have to hold on to. Value is what we see of ourself. Has no need to prove to anyone. No need to impress anyone else with it. This vision of value would help us to choose what we deserve from people and what we do for people.

Based on Dr Carl Sagan quote; our body contain the star stuff. What inside the body is whats on the cosmos. To find the essence of cosmos is within ourself. Then now we know we are incredible creature right? God said human being is the perfect creature ever and we relate it with brain and knowing what's wrong or right. But animals have them too, plants too. The more modern way of thinking we believe even the chair, the table also have energy and they are living. Awesome right? As now we know we are incredible creature and life is wonderful why we have to focus only on belonging, material thing, person, bussiness? I mean they are important but what's most important is within ourselves we have everything. Just dive in and find out. I always love physic, its just wow. It can explain everything with dynamic thinking.

And Adzan started to sound, we know it was time to stop talking and get rest. But the last thoughts pop up in my mind; Are we real? Is everything we said real? How’s if it only in our imagination? Like there's nothing real include us? Or am i freak? Do i only have anxiety? Or i have another mental illness to belive it all? Or everyone of us have mental illness? Or actually the ones that believe in physic and psychology are the sick people? Am i crazy without i realize it? Looks like everything’s normal but it’s not normal? So what’s another definition of this life? And My God, i think i have another tasks to do. To find these out. Venny only sat there and smile “No Runi, we have to stick in this mindset then we find out.....”

It’s the easiest come out conversation ever and meaningful. For years we’ve been talking but i never came out to her with my wild thinking. And i never knew she could be that dark too like me. It’s only some of the points, actually we talked much more detail than this. Til i looked at the mirror and felt my self was not that simple myself anymore and Vennie felt different.

It was 5.30 am we finally tried to sleep. And i woke up at 8.30 to go work. I never felt this strong and have enough power to walk the day than ever and it’s been so long i’ve ever been in deep curiosity. All i want to today is just to open that big book, dive in internet and just focus one day long to read and read. I feel so powerful even get lack of sleep.

At the final, It’s all only discussion, not guidelines if anyone else need to learn. You don’t have to believe. You can make your own theories, make your definitions. We are free human being, we have brain to think, we are free to develope the thought that’ve been there.

I’m so happy to have Vennie exists in this world and be one of her closest people. It’s always interesting talking with her. When i’m in my problem, she’s there completing my missing sentences. When she says something, i find myself easily to agree. She get my trust, she get my approvement, she always get what’s on my mind without asking. The telepathy between us is quite wonderful. Many words of Vennie i keep it in my mind; she the first one ever said to me “we are one with the universe.” That’s exactly what made me think she’s perfect as the partner to discuss. Beside, she’s a great listener, a good communicator with good attitude, she’s a learner, she’s free thinker and great companion for party. In my free time we always visit each other, having wine time. Or sometimes just beer time in front of Circle K and talk.. With her it’s always quality time. I have her and my life become more completed.

I’m waiting to another discussion with Vennie.

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