#like as someone who had struggled with my mental health for 26 years… i dont care if i go to their concert | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

finallyfreetobemee · 8 months

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So I've recently escaped from a very controlling and abusive relationship. I kicked him out almost 2 months ago. We have a 6 month old son. At the beginning of our 2 and a half year relationship I purchased a miniature pinscher Chihuahua puppy, Mylo, who soon became my ESA as I struggle with some mental health and PTSD from past abusive relationships. Its been my whole life since 14 years old, every relationship had some sort of abuse, control, jealousy. Well this one was REALLY BAD. By far, top of the list, #1 the most TOXIC, CONTROLLING, all around WORST relationship, even now at 39 years old. I have a 14 year old daughter with someone else, and our 6 month old son. Since I've kicked him out, he has not once called to see how the baby is doing. Up until 4-5 days ago, I was still allowing him to come to my home, take Mylo (my dog) for a walk or a few hours , but all for a price. He now denies the baby, wants a paternity test (by all means, go right ahead. Please do) Not once did I ever cheat on this man. I couldn't go downstairs and outside for a cigarette by myself because he thought I was messing around with the neighbour boy. I DONT EVEN KNOW THE KIDS NAME!! but I couldn't go out for a cigarette let alone find the time to go make a baby with someone else. (Mind you, I have since switched to a vape and quit smoking cigarettes lol) Anyhow, I have 26 voicemails of screaming yelling and threats for visitation for the DOG, not the baby, the DOG. Family and Children's Services has been contacted and he is not allowed access to the baby unsupervised or in my home. So, I was still allowing him to come by and take the dog, but I was still being physically, verbally, mentally abused, up until 4 days ago when he grabbed my cell phone and left my building with it, came back yelling at my bathroom window a few minutes later and threw it at me at the window. I went downstairs and outside to try and find my phone and he seen me in the parking lot and he came after me pushing me around, scrapping my arms and legs up, wrestling me to try and find my phone first which I DID find on the roof where I had to climb out my bathroom window and retrieve. But my whole reason for this brief but kinda thorough explanation is because I've never had a blog but I LOVE to write. So I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write about or even what really I'm supposed to do with a blog. So Ive decided to maybe start with some things (poems, short journal entries) that I have previously written and I thought I would give a quick briefing on the situation and what exactly I'm writing and talking about so then if someone does end up reading my blog (which mind you I don't have to high expectations of cuz like I said I'm not even really sure if I'm doing this right or if anyone is even interested in anything I have to say) anyways, which is okay if there's not, I just enjoy writing and it's my stress outlet and just being able to write is satisfying enough for me) then they know what I'm talking about. But anyways. If anyone IS reading this right now, thanks for taking the time to listen to a very VERY small piece of my very VERY long journey of relationship experience. Really, thank you.

Brooke

#abusiveness #abusiveboyfriend #finally free #taking back control #Spotify

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mental-health-advice · 1 year

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Submission about whether to leave a friendship or not

I've been struggling with this for awhile. Im 26& my best friend is 27. We been friends since we were 11&12. My best friend has never been open&honest. She's always hiding things or lying. I'm very open to her. I don't feel a need to lie or make up things.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. We never did family vacations/trips. We couldn't afford a lot of things. I had hand me downs from my brother&cousins..... My best friend always had name brand/expensive clothes. She had her own computer/TV. She always went away every year to France or Canada for a month. She always had lots of money when we'd go out. Shed honestly joke about me being broke/poor. But expect me to pay for things so she didnt use her money. Messed up I know...

As we got older we changed. I couldn't afford to go away for college. She went away to 2 top notch schools. I used to get jealous because I knew I could never afford that. I hated how she expected people to look up to her since she went away. I went through a lot of traumatic experiences that changed me. I also became an addict at 16 (I'm recovered).

Fast forward: She never worked/used her degrees. But now at age 27 her parents want her to work. She now has no time for me/our friendship. Back in July 2021 I went through a life changing situation&ever since then she rubs it in that she would have done things different if she was in my shoes. She's becoming someone I don't know. She judges me for everything. It's hard. She doesn't drive but gets mad that I won't meet up (3hr round trip). Sometimes all she brings up is the past. The wrongs I've done or the trauma i went thru. She sometimes acts like she's perfect and like a queen.

Before you say to talk things thru... I have many times. I explain that I'm hurt or that something feels wrong or distant. She always blames things on me or doesn't take responsibility for her actions. Makes up excuses for everything possible. Says she'll work on communication but after a week it's back to normal. I'm at a point where I dont know if I should just walk away. I look at the pros and cons. I explained things to my mom who thinks I should just leave. Especially for how she treats me. But I give people a million chances. She always was my childhood friend that I wanted to grow up with thru life. What's your advice or thoughts? I'm open to whatever.

Tag if possible friends or best friends.

Hey there,

This sounds like it is a really difficult situation to be in. On one hand you don’t want to walk away from this friendship with your friend as you want to be life long friends and give people heaps of chances to change their ways, but then on the other hand you feel like it may be best to just walk away from her. It sounds as though you are feeling pretty stuck in what to do but I give you credit for trying to talk to your friend already and for even writing a pro’s con’s list about all of this!

In my honest opinion (and no this is not telling you what to do as only you can decide this and what is best for you to do) I would feel like it would be best to leave the friendship. I suggest this because it sounds as though the friendship has become quite toxic for you and consequently isn’t the best for your overall mental health. But if you were to leave the friendship, how would this make you feel? Would you feel bad or guilty? What would you feel is best for you to do personally though if you were to take all feelings out of the equation?

This, I know is a really difficult decision to make and I know that no matter what anyone says or suggests, you have to do what is best for you and your mental health. This is why you can’t let others decide what to do for you as it is you who will have to live with the decision you make and not them if that makes sense?

I really hope this has helped somewhat or at the very least given you some things to think about when making this very difficult decision. Please also do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #friend #best friend #leaving friendship #staying in friendship #feeling stuck

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letsdiscoverkitty · 3 years

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Home/Family Update - May 2021

I will take this right back to when I was discharged from the Priory in December. From there I moved back home with my parents; it was a bit of a difficult transition as I didn't have any home leave in the lead up to being discharged due to COVID and my consultant wanting me to make the most of my time on the ward. Add to that my EDP going completely awol, meaning that our whole 4 week pre-discharge meetings and relapse prevention plan went out the window. So yes it was a bit of a rocky start, and that is without you factoring in COVID lockdown/Christmas.

Being discharged from an IP setting is never easy no matter who you are; changes in environment and routine can throw you off track without you even realising it and I did find myself struggling with this. I also had the difficult navigation of adapting to coming home in terms of my dad and his recovery. For those who might not know, last March my dad fell down the stairs in the middle of the night the day that my parents arrived home after a month in NZ. He suffered 3 brain bleeds (a subdural, an extradural and a subarachnoid), multiple facial fractures and a break in his spine. That night was one of, if not THE, worst of my life. We were told that it was very likely that he would not survive and that if he did he would be in a vegetated state or not able to take care of himself...we were told to prepare for the worst. By some MIRACLE he defied all the odds and at the age of 74 after spending 11 or so days on the ICU, a further 2 weeks on a trauma ward and then another 3 months in a neuro rehab, he was discharged home and is now, a year on from the accident, completely independent, no sign of further brain bleeds and is actually much fitter than he has been for, well, 50 years! Honestly, we never expected anything like this sort of recovery and from an outside perspective he is doing perfectly. However, there are things that will never be the same again and I don't think it is until you are with someone 24/7 that you are able to tell. He has changed quite a bit as a person; in some ways this is a good thing but in other ways it is not so. He cannot deal with changes in environment or routine; even things like having the bread on the side instead of in the bread bin completely throws him off and he doesn't even register that the bread is there. He gets very easily agitated, can be extremely rude and a little aggressive. Now some of this was already there (a lot of it was) but it has become more acutely obvious since the head injury. I have SO much respect and love for my mum - I really dont know how she has held herself up over the past 2 years, as well as helping dad when he was initially transitioning home (I was still in hospital but it sounded like he needed a lot of help for the first few months - which I only saw an inch of when they were able to visit me in hospital (he used to wander off and didn't know where he was etc. which is thankfully no longer and issue!)).

This is hard for me to say but I will admit that I have struggled more than I thought I would with being around him; in short I pretty much went through the whole mourning process whilst I was in hospital as the last time i saw him on the trauma ward before they stopped all visits and before I was admitted, he didn't know who I was...He thought he lived in another country and was telling me all sorts of stories that were fabricated, before telling me that he needed to go and pick up the mercedes and drive to sainsburys to get the Gin and petrol (we don't have a mercedes and he doesn't even like gin!) Anyway, I digress. So yes, I basically mourned for someone who was still alive physically but mentally had changed as at the time I didn't know whether he would be in a vegetated state or make a good recovery. Thankfully we are on the good side and he is doing so incredibly well but the bottom line is that he is different and living with him, at the age of 26, is HARD. We have good days and bad days (as any young adult who lives with their parents does) and there are many many days that I wish I wasn't living at home but I do my best to hold myself together during those times, especially for my mum because she, I tell you, is absolutely incredible. How she has put up with him for so long I honestly do not know!

Talking of mum, I would say that since the whole accident with dad, we have become a LOT closer. We really had to lean on each other over that month; we were driving down to Brighton every single day to see dad on the ICU and on the Trauma ward until we were stopped from visiting - it was mentally and physically exhausting for the both of us, especially as we were still barely processing the trauma and struggling with flashbacks in the night. We were the first ones on the scene of the accident (if it weren't for mum's medical training, dad would not be alive today). Of course we still have our moments but I feel like our relationship almost "levelled up and matured over the past year. We have bonded over being in nature and walking (because what else can you do when the country is in lockdown!?! but also because we have always been an "outdoors" family (well my mum, Andi and me have))- we also talk about dad and the accident quite a bit too, which has helped me beyond belief (and her too). We give each other space, and yes there are days when we dont get on but who doesn't have days when they dont?

On balance I would say that home is "okay". It is manageable. No the environment is not perfect and I do find it affects my mental health quite a bit and holds me back in some ways (I cannot wait to be able to move out one day) but I am incredibly grateful to have parents that are willing to and can afford to take me under their roof and help me out during this time.

Gosh, this has already ended up so much longer than I thought it would, I am sorry! In short: home life is okay. We are here and that is the most important thing. We saw Andi a two-ish weeks ago as we were in Cornwall for our usual time-share (we were so lucky that Boris allowed self catering two weeks before our usual time share week) - I think it was good for them to get out of their flat as I don't think they had left the small area where they live since last September when we went down to Cornwall (I was given leave for a week as it was sold to my consultant to help my dad's recovery, which is definitely did but yes we did pull the right strings to get that one!)

Anyway, I shall leave this update here and start the mammoth task of the next one. I am sorry that this is taking me so long, it's quite hard to write and think back and reflect (although actually quite helpful for me to do) so I do find that I have to come back to it a few times. Please stick with me x

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I forgot to add that dad had an assessment before we went away to Cornwall to see whether he can have his driving license back and (as mum and I predicted) he failed. To say that he did not take it well would be putting it lightly!!! I am actually ashamed of the way that he behaved and the things that he said/the reasons he fabricated as to why he had failed (let's just say he got sexist and rude - which I have ZERO time for and was appalled by him - I am so glad I was not with him/mum after the assessment as I would have blown my fuse at hime). He could not even entertain the idea that he had failed. He blamed everything/anything else that he could - even saying that it was the system and one of the first things he said to me was "I understand now, I've worked it out, it's the system, they aren't allowed to pass many people first time so that's it", which I just *speechless*. Mum and I have talked about it a lot and we don't think that he has ever "failed" at anything in his life. He also believes that he is 10000%. fixed and has no issues or problems and doesn't need any support or guidance. He refuses to listen to mum and I when we try to tell him about how unwell he was, he refuses to believe it and won't take it. One thing that mum and I are very glad of is that all of this driving stuff is OUTSIDE of the family. He can't put it on us. It is coming from an external place and we can support him if he lets us but that is his decision as to whether he lets us or not. He has never been a good patient; and he also won't take any advice (in anything) from mum or let her be right about something either, which is just sad, really sad. This is not a new thing, it has always been this way. And the more I reflect on our family/have reflected over the past year with dad in hospital, the more I see that I don't like. The way dad has behaved and treated mum, how he was always missing in my childhood, how alcohol always came above family, how old fashioned and unwilling to learn he is, how distant and uninterested he was, how he never says please or thank you, never asks how anyone is and refuses to talk about mental health (yep, despite so much going on in our family with mental illnesses, he refuses to talk about it and won't even ask "how are you?" or offer support etc)...I don't mean to be so negative about him, I really don't. I love him, he is my dad, but there is a lot of healing that needs to be done, and it is going to take time.

#personal #update

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zurilux · 4 years

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Vent session 4/26/20

A couple things. First, the not so serious.

I’ve been living with my parents for a little over a year now since the second year of my boyfriend’s ST program basically makes it impossible to work while doing the program. We decided to move our in with our parents to save money (especially since there’s no way I could support us and our two dogs on my own.) My parents are fine. They’re not perfect but they’re fine. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older though just how different I am from a lot of my family. My parents are definitely products of their time. They dont believe in therapy. I go to therapy. I’ve gone to therapy since I was a freshman in college (When I could go without them paying for it/knowing about it) I’ve recently started Trauma counseling, trying EMDR to process past traumas and maybe stop some of my more toxic/ bad habits and the cycle of abuse. (my current relationship isn’t abusive but I’m scared that I may make it toxic because thats really all i’ve known or if it fails I’ll go back to the cycle)

I myself have had quite a few traumatic events happen in my life. In the last few years I’ve become pretty open about my mental health, hoping that it might help others (so no one will feel the way I felt, like I was alone etc) I think a lot of my family would benefit from therapy, as now that I am so open, sometimes my family will share their stories. My parents, like I said don’t believe in therapy, and now they also believe they are too old to be fixed. Especially my mom. Which, for me, is really saddening. My mom, when overwhelmed, will hit herself in the head. Which can make it hard to talk to her about anything serious because she also takes a lot of things super personally (and I cant blame her for that. I’m sensitive AF) and it sucks that she feels she, or her inner peace, is worth it at this point. I’ve found a lot of my family just doesn’t really seem to want to better themselves and would rather just say “This is how I am, take it or leave it”

It’s exhausting to be around people who are in that sort of mindset when you’re working very hard to be better. Trying to be happy, get my anxiety/depression/PTSD under control, process traumas....

Also. some of my traumas happened in the house, or when I was teen living here. SO, sometimes just being in this house is a struggle. Being back in this room where my ex-wife tried to kick me out and pushed me to a breaking point. Being in this room where I found out my ex-wife kissed someone else while they were deployed and decided they didnt want to be with me anymore. Being in this house where I broke down shattered, screaming and crying for the world to stop spinning, and my ex-wife yelled at me, belittled me, harassed me so much over the phone I had to get my parents involved so she wouldnt speak to me again. In this house where I had to hide so much of myself, had to pretend so many things didnt happen....Its really hard being here. especially in this time of super stress, being in Quarantine and a Pandemic due to COVID-19.

and to add on top of that, my mother has started trying to inch me out. My grandma is supposed to move in when I move out. I guess my grandma is hounding her, so in turn, she’s hounding me. Even after I have explained that COVID has messed with my boyfriends program, and my planned summer vacation. Originally he was supposed to be done in June, and we had a FL trip planned in Sept, so we’d move out after our FL trip, to save money, and hopefully not stress the dogs out. (moving to a new place and then all of a sudden your parents are gone for 8 days might be a little much for our pups). Depending on when he started, and how much money I saved, and if my coworker would be moving in with us we could possibly move in August, gives the dogs a month to adjust to their new surroundings before we would move. BUT, now....he may have to do a summer term, to make up for the lack of ST time in ORs at different hospitals, which means he wouldn’t start working in June, he may, depending on how they do their summer term, not be done with his program till July or August...and obviously he needs to work, for at least a month or two before we could move. also, we don’t know if we’ll be able to travel to FL in September, THere isnt really a point in going if Disneyworld and Universal aren’t open/fully functioning. soooo....a lot is up in the air. The added stress of my mom constantly asking when I’ll be moving out is not helping my stress level at all. It’s irking me more than I thought. I didn’t want to admit quite how much it bothers me. oi.

Secondly,

probably a month ago now...or a couple weeks I’m not sure (time is hard right now ya’ll) our dogs started fighting. Very suddenly. We’ve had Carbon since September 2018. Frank (Jake’s dog) and Carbon have never fought till this point. I’m not sure what changed because they both have lived with me (Frank and one of Jake’s parents’ dog dont get along, so he had to live with me) the entire time I’ve lived at my parents house...It seemed like we were making progress, we were able to have them out in the same room without any trouble for a few days recently. (previously we had been crating one, and switching them out about every 4 hours if we were both home) They do fine on walks together. they seemed to be doing okay, but then another fight happened a day or two ago...Jake’s suggestion is to remain living separate. I’ll move in with my co-worker, he’ll either move out on his own or with a roommate with Frank.

to backtrack, Carbon is a almost 2 year old pit/lab mix. He was a rescue, I got him when he was 5 months old. He’s fairly mellow for his age, but he is 2, he’s young and playful. Frank is a 6/7 year old potato dog (he’s short, a little long and has a round/barrelesque body, supposedly a chihuahua, pug, staffy mix. He isn’t fat either, its solid mass. He’s older and grumpy. so maybe he just snapped at Carbon’s youthful shenanigans. They both are very much daddy’s boys. they may have fought over his attention (now that they see him more, he has been basically quarantining at my house ) it’s kind of impossible to know.

I don’t like the idea of living apart. I’m needy. Plus, for a majority of our relationship we have lived together already. Jake is not only my boyfriend but also my bestfriend. I’m very physically affectionate, and Jake kind of sucks at texting...Also, I’m worried that our schedules wont line up. I work M-Thurs 6:30 am to 5pm. his ST schedule could have him working 12 hour days, he could have to work on my days off. having him spend the night once a week is not enough for me, if I can help it, most of this year that’s all I’ve been getting and its been awful (Quarantine has changed that but, thats special circumstances) We already were only supposed to live apart while he was finishing his program, and now we may need to live apart another year...or more...for the rest of Frank’s life, unless Carbon passes suddenly I guess...thats a long time. I get that he doesnt want to crate them “forever” if we lived together. and if we wanted to go on a trip, we’d need specific people to help us, to be sure no fights ensued or whatever, if someone gets bit...it’s over. I understand that...it might not be fair to “crate and rotate” them for however long we need to and neither of us is giving up their dog....I thought maybe if we could get a big enough space maybe it wouldnt be so bad. we could kind of section them off away from each other...(this past year its been me and the 2 dogs in like maaaaaybe 500sq ft) but finding that might be difficult in our price range...especially since we’ll be renting and probably moving to Portland (which is expensive) it’s causing a lot of stress for me...my anxiety is causing me to overthink. Like. is this somehow a sign that we shouldnt be together? He and I got together before i was even officially divorced (granted he was supposed to just be a confidence boost, not actually a legit relationship..but we fucked up and fell in love) and he has broken up with twice over our three years...the second time really wasnt necessary because he was trying to take care of me, to not cause me to be miserable during his second year of school when he knew I wouldnt be able to see him much and that I am needy, but we ended up doing what I had suggested...which is what we are doing now..being together but living apart. sigh. I don’t know. It’s a lot going on right now. I’m not a fan....everything is super stressful as is...and now all this too...oi oi oi. sigh. it’ll work out somehow...right?

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depressionbelikeamanda · 4 years

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Just felt i should start writing cause nobody would understand the way i do. So a letter to my future self.

It’s funny how depression is seeing like something that's just in your mind, no one treats depression like a broken arm, or an injury but ‘’try to think good things’’.

Nice to meet you, my name is Amanda, I’m 22 years old, a brazilian girl currently living in Ireland, working as a caregiver, doing IT, trying to survive my mental condition everyday, trying really hard by the way…

I’m not writing so people can see this, but because i need a place to express myself and not being judge. Maybe not even this, but a place that i can just write everything I’m feeling.

I don’t think most of people can understand what it is to have depression, anxiety or some mental problem, maybe because they are too busy with their lifes, maybe they just dont give a shit, maybe they way they were raised was so though they just don’t want to accept that people can have mental problems, or maybe smth else that i cant think right now. But yeah, everybody has their own reasons to not believe this is a real thing, but what can we do right? Even though there are many people struggling with depression, others mental problems, and studies that proves it’s real and we are not making this up, people still think it’s nothing, it’s just something that we can just turn to happy thoughts, right? If you can’t see the problem it means there is NO problem.

Anyway, I started writing this because I’m literally in the middle of a mental breakdown but (not saying the company i work for) the person who’s in the emergency line of my company doesn’t give a shit for mental health.

Is it fair that I called 2 hours before my shift starts that I was in the middle of a depression crisis?

Is it fair that she needs to find someone to cover me in this short period of time?

But I dont think it’s fair with myself as well that i have to work while I’m crying, feeling I’m gonna faint, vomit, that I’m feeling so weak my stomach is hurting, that I can’t barely breathe (No, it’s not corona cause i did the test and it was negative), that I have to cycle to EACH client even though I’m feeling all these things and I can literally fall from the bike, that I wasn’t taking my depression/anxiety medicines cause I didnt have enough money to pay for my medicines cause i dont even have money to pay my own rent (at least my friend gave me some so i dont have to freak out for some time). Yeah, I’m not working that much since when the pandemic started, used to work 43/45 hours per week and now I’m working just 23. I have my rent, bils, food, medicines, student loan… but as the emergency woman said ‘’you can’t stay without your medicines, it’s not that expensive, around 10 euros.’’, but i paid 36 and yeah, it’s not a lot of money, but for a student who has to pay everything by my own, it’s not working as much as I used to, don’t have money to pay my rent, food, imagine medicines… so, it’s just 36 euros, i’d love if someone could pay my medicines, i’d love if I could get strangers medicines, but I dont even have money to pay my medicines, imagine to pay the doctor AGAIN, and then start paying more for a medicine that right now I dont even have money to pay the ‘’normal’’ one. (Idk if it makes sense in English, cause not my first language, anyway). And I’m here in my client’s house waiting her to finish her conversation with her daughter so i can start working, my shift starts at 17:00 and it’s already 17:26, and i have to make her tea, smth to eat, wash the dishes when she finishes, but yeah, at least i dont have to talk with her cause im feeling so sick, my face is so huge right now cause i couldnt stop crying, I took 3 medicines to get better to finish this day but idk if is helping or making worse cause i wanna vomit so bad that idk whats happening.

Anyway, i finished my client and called my friend so he could help me to sort this out before i go to my next client at 20:00, he was teaching me how to breath so i can calm down, it worked a bit not even thought i was feeling tralking with someone who really knows and the best thing is that shes a psychologist, so I called her, i was crying like hell, explained everything that happened and she said that (not exactly in these words) i need to get help from a psychiatrist cause I’m always gonna have smth going on if i don’t get help, and as she said ‘’Headache, sore throat, depression crisis, that all these things that i have/feel is connected to my mental health…’’. I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed after she said this cause I know that ny mental health is because of my emotions 99% of times, but it’s dont think my sore throat was caused because im feeling sad. Two weeks ago when i felt my throat hurting I was pretty ok, I haven’t stoped with the medication at that time cause i still had it, and I was pretty ok actually, I just reported to the office cause when i got the virus for the first time the first symptoms i had was sore throat, and i dont have this often, like, in over 2 years i just had 3 times, the first time was tonsillitis, the second was because i got the virus, the third was two weeks ago and i still dont know what it was, cause i felt a bit strange so i reported because i thought it might be the virus, cause it was exactly what i felt before, so i did the covid test and it was negative so i know it wasnt the virus, but i didnto go to any doctor because as I said in the beginning of the text i dont have money to pay my rent, my medicines, I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO SEE WHY MY THROAT IS HURTING, so i still dont know what it was, but i got throat medicines from my friend and then got better, so maybe smth like tonsillitis but not that strong cause tonsillitis feels worse than what i felt, anyway, coming back to 2 weeks ago, i just reported because I was afraid that it could be the virus and my clients were in dangerous, but now that i know how she feels about myself (even though it can be true) I won’t report any other symptom (she works in my company office), not cause im trying to get attention, cause no one is reading this, but myself, but cause i feel that the company doesnt take me serious. Anyway, I just wont report anything anymore, I just hope i don’t get anything that i can spread to my clients cause i do love them, and i care for them more than for myself, cause i dont give a shit if i die because of the virus, or anything, but if if my clients get this because of me id never forgive myself. Anyway, it’s just sad that a friend and a psychologist thinks that cause my emotions i have sore throat and headache and i’m not able to work because of THESE. Normally I’m not able to work for good reasons, I’m always honest with my company, I could totally pretend i felt from my bike so I couldnt work, I could give a really good excuse to not work, but instead i said the truth, cause i couldnt get my medicines cause I’m not working that much so i dont have money to pay anything and i was having an abstinence crisis and I was shaking, feeling vomiting, dizzying… anyway… Unfortunately people can’t understand whats happening with others cause they are not others, and even if we try hard we could never understand, unless we’re going through the same. The only thing we can do is support who we love, even if it doesnt make any sense for us, because for them it does.

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parachuteinfantry · 4 years

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i would say all but if you don’t want to that’s understandable. 10-20 maybe?

!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU i love u i’ll do all of them i don’t give a fUCk

1: What inspires you?currently very inspired by my brilliant friends!!

2: Favorite book?the dream thieves by maggie steifvater

3: Favorite fictional character?OOHHH boy right now it’s probably charborg’s gtarp character ken tucky

4: What’s your favorite part of the day?taking a shower which is probably weird but i would shower like 5 times a day if it weren’t absurd

5: What’s your favorite fictional ship? (Canon or otherwise)currently again probably ken tucky and his (potential) love jerry the breaker

6: List 3 positive traits you havepositive, supportive, uhhh punctual

7: List 3 negative traits you havepretentious, stubborn, oblivious

8: How does someone become important to you?usually it will start if they can make me laugh but everyone is important to me when i get to know them

9: Do you trust people easily, or do people have to earn your trust?i am WAAAYYY too trusting and it has definitely gotten me in trouble a lot and Yet

10: Do you give people second chances?almost always

11: How do you decide when it’s time to cut someone out of your life for good?i’ve been better at this recently- when i notice that they’re doing more harm to my mental health than good which is a lame answer but u kno

12: What can you spend forever talking about?music probably honestly

13: What are your favorite lyrics currently?“will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care”

14: What are your thoughts on romance?cursed

15: Are you open about how you feel or do you tend to keep your emotions to yourself?WAAAYY too open

16: What is something you really want?i really want to move somewhere warm, so so desperately. especially since my ticket out of the cold ass place i live just got cancelled yesterday

17: If you could make a wish, what would you wish for if you knew it would come true?happiness.

18: What do you do when you have a crush on someone?never good things tbh

19: How do you handle heartbreak? Is it something that’s easy for you to get over, or something you struggle with?i’ve been through some pretty wild heartbreak in the past couple years and it’s gotten easier with time

20: Have you ever had a dream that made you wonder if it was actually a memory?CONSTANTLY. i had a VERY vivid dream last night that feels so much more like a memory and yet i know it wasn’t real

21: How does someone become friends with you?oh god i don’t even know i’m kind of a pain in the ass to become friends with. best bet would be including me in a group of people probably

22: Do you tend to have strong emotions?depends on the day whoops

23: What do you want your future to be like?warm and happy

24: Have you ever met someone you never thought you’d become close to?uhhhhhh probably? i know someone who i met once & i have a feeling i’ll be close to but i never would have thought that before i met him, if that makes sense

25: How do you stop yourself from going back to toxic people?usually i’ll just block them on everything, i guarantee if i block someone it’s more for me than against you

26: Do you have someone in your life that you don’t know how you feel about?OHHH YEAH, a couple people

27: What helps you realize that you have a crush on someone?the last few were people that i realized i had feelings for when it was revealed that they had feelings for me so the short answer is i dont know

28: Do you ever make impulsive decisions?constantly

29: Do you think zodiac signs can influence someone’s personality to an extent?the scientist in me wants to say no but i am constantly attacked by my chart so

30: What makes you happy?when people i love are happy, thunderstorms, warm sunny days, good music

31: What does ‘self care’ look like for you?old school achievement hunter minecraft videos

32: If you could go back in time and re-live your life up to this point, knowing everything that you know now, would you make different decisions?i don’t think i would

33: Do you have someone you know you can always rely on?does my mom count if not then no

34: What do you look for in friendships?i love to laugh together, i love when we can be creative together

35: What would a perfect date look like for you?it’s been SO long since i’ve been on a date oh goodness. last “date” i really enjoyed, he made me dinner and then we went to disney

36: Favorite book quote(s)?“i didn’t leave you that car for it to sit there while you blow dick III” or something to that effect

37: Have you ever been surprised by someone staying in your life?no but mostly because there’s really no one in my life that was there two years ago other than my family

38: If you could move, would you? Where would you move to?ORLAAAANDOOOOO i miss it so very dearly

39: Have you ever wished you could disappear?most days

40: What makes you feel confident?cosplay/when people ask me to sing/my denim jacket

41: How do you show you care?i am such a gift-giver. i will write for you or sing for you or make gifs or send you something in ac. it’s horrible

42: How far are you willing to go to find the truth?not very far

43: Which of the seven deadly sins do you feel represents you the most?sloth. i’m sleepy

44: Do you consider yourself talented?in certain areas, definitely

45: Do you consider yourself creative?like once a month

46: In a group setting, do you prefer to take charge or do you prefer to let someone else make the decisions?i’m half and half. depends on the group usually

47: What are you passionate about?SO much. music, video games, laughter, sunshine, showers, baking, creating

48: Have you ever started to try learning about a subject only to realize it’s not something you enjoy?YEAH i studied geology for a year before i realized i would have to be out in the snow and i Hate snow

49: Do you feel like you’re a good person?sometimes

50: What scares you the most?bees

#this was FUN thank u i love u #i gasped so hard when i saw i had a message and gasped even HARDER when i read it #I Love Oversharing #Anonymous

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rsaied · 3 years

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٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:27 PM hi

🥀 — Today at 8:27 PM what?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:28 PM why did sherry and chris ask me what my feelings about you were

🥀 — Today at 8:31 PM maybe because you told me last year you never want to speak to me again and now you're speaking to me again but i keep getting hostile vibes and you keep unfollowing me and it doesn't seem like a joke when you do it for days on end.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:31 PM well now you un followed me [8:31 PM] i think [8:32 PM] any way. its a bit. you said some thing dumb and i un followed [8:32 PM] the longer it lasts the funnier

🥀 — Today at 8:33 PM i don't remember unfollowing you. [8:33 PM] it's not that funny. [8:33 PM] i guess i did..?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:34 PM i guess so [8:34 PM] either way. you could say that its not very funny in stead of joking back and not telling me its not funny to you [8:34 PM] i am not a mind reader and you make your self hard to read any way

🥀 — Today at 8:50 PM alright. i just don't want to come across as too sensitive.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:50 PM it wouldnt kill you to show a little human emotion

🥀 — Today at 8:51 PM uh huh. i did that and you broke up with me. [8:51 PM] did it again and you said you never wanted to speak to me again.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:51 PM actually i broke up with you be cause we werent compatible [8:52 PM] and i said i dont want to speak to you again be cause you tricked me for weeks. justified or not [8:53 PM] you tricked every one, but its kind of shitty when we just broke up and we kept up conver sation like we were total strangers and not . us

🥀 — Today at 8:53 PM you broke up with me because i changed and you didn't. i got over my jealousy and you just went deeper into your jealousy and paranoia until you couldn't bear to be with me knowing that i had considered having feelings for someone else. you told me that yourself.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:54 PM thats the long way of saying we werent compatible any more [8:54 PM] also im the one who showed human emotion there

🥀 — Today at 8:54 PM so you admit i changed? [8:55 PM] remember when you said you were going to work on your mental health? what happened to that?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:56 PM sure. you changed yes [8:56 PM] ive worked on it plenty [8:56 PM] im still tired. but im not suicidal and im not jealous and im not [8:56 PM] well i might still be paranoid. but thats p t s d

🥀 — Today at 8:57 PM great.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:57 PM why

🥀 — Today at 8:58 PM you have no respect for me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:58 PM i never said that

🥀 — Today at 8:58 PM you don't have to. [8:59 PM] your impossible standards and the way you ignore parts of me that i've made clear to you say it for you.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:01 PM what im possible standards [9:01 PM] and what parts have i ignored lol

🥀 — Today at 9:02 PM i don't show enough emotion for you, for example. except for when i've showed you more than enough emotion, but that was too much and you conveniently don't mention it when you're acting like i'm an apathetic bitch. [9:04 PM] you ignore everything i've done for you and the commitments i made to you and everything i put up with for those last few days when you act like i'm some villainous mastermind who's just hurting you for fun. [9:04 PM] i haven't changed, according to you, except for all the ways i've very demonstrably changed. [9:06 PM] i guess i just haven't become exactly the person you want me to be. [9:06 PM] who do you want me to be, leon?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:07 PM does it matter?

🥀 — Today at 9:07 PM sure, tell me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:07 PM no

🥀 — Today at 9:08 PM so there is an idea. [9:08 PM] a little unfair to constantly test me against your ideal when you won't even tell me what it is, don't you think?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:12 PM you dont have to live up to my expectations [9:12 PM] even if i told you (i wont) you wouldnt want to [9:12 PM] so i dont see the use in this conversation in the first place [9:13 PM] not every one is going to live up to what i want and thats fine. why is this an issue [9:13 PM] is this be cause i told your new friend what i think? did he tell you i did? he asked. it was not un prompted [9:14 PM] if my opinion or what ever was wrong then thats fine. you can explain i am biased like i said i was and prove me wrong

🥀 — Today at 9:15 PM my who? [9:15 PM] you started this conversation.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:15 PM are you not friends [9:16 PM] & i dont know what the use in the conversation about what i want you to be is. dont play stupid

🥀 — Today at 9:16 PM that's kind of just where my rant went and then you ignored everything else i said. [9:19 PM] it was actually a rhetorical question. and it's kind of fucked up that you have an answer.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:19 PM i was "acting like youre an apathetic bitch" by saying it wont kill you to show emotion [9:19 PM] i dont really have one lol

🥀 — Today at 9:20 PM that and yesterday when you got pissed at me for not acting triggered.(edited)

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:20 PM i dont ignore what youve done for me. but i also dont ignore when you trick or manipulate me either. and one of those is kind of im portant [9:20 PM] not saying you have to act triggered but asking for pictures is a bit much [9:20 PM] also not pissed. just un comfortable

🥀 — Today at 9:21 PM i think both of those are actually important. [9:21 PM] i haven't manipulated you since 1998.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:22 PM yes of course my apologies. i will include "gave me a raise and threw me a birth day party" with "forced me to hide the tragedy in raccoon city" on the same bullet point about adam

🥀 — Today at 9:23 PM i saved your fucking life. countless times. i'm not talking about going to the aquarium with you. [9:25 PM] not only did i save your life but i almost got myself killed doing so. countless times. i risked my life and my objective and the trust of my very murderous employers to save you. that's more than a birthday party. [9:25 PM] i opened up to you. i showed you myself more vulnerably than i had ever shown anyone. you know that's the scariest thing i could possibly do. [9:26 PM] but you pretend you don't know. that's the problem. after all the struggle of showing you who i am you act like it never happened.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:29 PM what, you dont regret any of that ? [9:29 PM] im doing what you wouldve wanted. pre sumably [9:30 PM] its not like i dont know any of that happened. its that the delilah shit made me not trust you

🥀 — Today at 9:30 PM i regret opening up because you're hurting me like this now. [9:31 PM] you aren't fucking acting like it happened. [9:31 PM] it's not about trust. [9:31 PM] gave you a raise and threw you a birthday party? seriously? [9:32 PM] your example makes it sound like those five weeks overshadowed fifteen years of dedication. [9:32 PM] i have apologized again and again. i know it was wrong and you know i know that too. [9:34 PM] my apology doesn't make it right. i'm just saying that the lesson has been learned and i'm not trying to act like i didn't do anything wrong.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:36 PM okay [9:36 PM] so why does it surprise you that i dont trust you. you under stand how peoplw have breaking points

🥀 — Today at 9:37 PM i just said it's not about trust. [9:37 PM] this is what i'm saying. you don't listen to me. you don't respect me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:38 PM i do listen. christ

🥀 — Today at 9:38 PM do you just pretend not to hear, then?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:38 PM what is it about then. fifteen years ?

🥀 — Today at 9:38 PM it's about respect.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:39 PM i can respect you and still think the giddiness about being a pathological liar is uncomfortable

🥀 — Today at 9:39 PM you can't respect me, ada, and say i haven't changed. [9:40 PM] you can't respect me, having seen me struggle and heard me express to you how difficult the lies are, and say i'm giddy about being a pathological liar. [9:41 PM] and i'm not pathological.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:42 PM then why do you do it

🥀 — Today at 9:43 PM we've had this conversation before.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:43 PM why do you still do it

🥀 — Today at 9:44 PM because i still have the same history i had then. [9:44 PM] i lie less, not that you'd know.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:44 PM less [9:45 PM] sorry for doubting you

🥀 — Today at 9:46 PM yeah because i'm not instantly better. [9:46 PM] thanks. you really make me feel good about the work i'm doing.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:47 PM does it matter what i think.

🥀 — Today at 9:48 PM if we're going to be friends, yes, it matters if you respect me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:48 PM i do respect you

🥀 — Today at 9:48 PM literally everything you've said in this conversation indicates otherwise. [9:50 PM] what does respect mean to you?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:50 PM well. i dont know [9:50 PM] i guess i dont

🥀 — Today at 9:50 PM thanks.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:51 PM is that sarcasm

🥀 — Today at 9:52 PM i think it's acceptance. that's what i wanted to know for sure. now i know for sure.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:52 PM i dont know how to re fute half the shit youve said which means you must be right [9:52 PM] and if toure right that means i dont. so

🥀 — Today at 9:54 PM okay.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:54 PM okay [9:55 PM] im sorry.

🥀 — Today at 9:56 PM uh huh. "sorry i don't respect you". great. [10:01 PM] if you actually want to make amends or figure out how to respect me, you have loved ones who are also my loved ones and they can help you or get you in contact with me. but i'm going to block you because otherwise i'll just keep doing anything for you. [10:01 PM] [ada has blocked leon!]

0 notes

freaksneedfriendstoo · 6 years

Photo

My name is Julie and I have a very real and moving Testimony I would like to share with you. Please share this with anyone struggling with mental health, abuse or addiction so that they can know Gods power.

I was born in Toronto in 1983 and taken by CAS at 3 months old. The details surrounding this are sketchy for me but basically my mother got arrested and she got my aunt to watch me who then gave me to a lady she met on the street. I had a very bad cough and the lady took me to the hospital who called CAS because apparently I had bruises. I spent 10 months in foster care and was then adopted. I had psycological problems from the start and would destroy and rip everything apart. I think its because I never had normal bonding or was traumatised. I spent my youth very bullied and I would usually just walk around by myself all recess watching the other kids play. I liked to be alone and at 11 I was taken to a psychiatrist because I became so reclusive and stopped wanting to even eat. I would just listen to my micheal jackson tapes over and over on my walkman with my face buried in the couch.

I started cutting myself at 14 and smoking weed and cigarettes. I got sent to a psychiatric ward the summer after grade 9 and would never live with my adoptive parents again. I got passed through such facilities as Youthdale, Whitby psyc, Thistletown in Etobicoke and Crossroads run by Kinark. In the hospitals I was frequently left alone in restraints tying me to a bed and given so many drugs my personality was gone. My adoptive parents didnt even know me anymore when they visited.

At Whitby I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by a team of psychiatrists. I frequently would run away from the group home crossroads and once in a fit of rage I climbed the fire escape and threw myself off the roof. An ambulance arrived and put me on a board. I had hairline fractured my lower back.

Shortly after this I ran away from there for good and met up with a 25 year old man named Andrew. I was 16 at the time He was homeless and I stuck to him like glue as he showed me how to live on the street. He had a terrible temper and would beat me especially when he was drunk. I spent 11 months with him living on the street in abandonded houses, under a bridge and for a short time in an apartment in Bradford they we got through a worker. The police would get called to the apartment because people would hear me screaming from him hitting me. I was abusing cocaine and would use anything I could to get high.

After we left there we stayed on the street again and one night around 2am Andrew was drunk and he was literally beating me to death. He was sitting on me and just going at it. He put his hand in my mouth and tried to break my jaw. When I looked in his eyes it was like he didnt even know me anymore. The thought came into my mind to yell at him and desperate I started yelling at him to get away from me. To my astonishment he actually walked away from me yelling at me. I got up and ran pausing for moment to gaze a my reflection in a store window. My face was all swollen and bruised. I ran behind a mall and found a man making deliveries who called mall security who called the police.

I got placed in a group home in Newmarket called Heritage Lodge. I met a 26 year old drug dealer named Doug and started dating him. He got me into using needles shooting cocaine and oxycitin. I would abuse any pills to get high such as Gravol. He would also hit me and I got kicked in the head by him 2 times in a row with shoes on so hard I blacked out for a moment. He got arrested for this and then I went back to him about 6 months later. I had no feelings of self worth or real love.

When I was 18, I took an overdose of pills and went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal. They put me in a small room to wait and see someone. The room had a framed picture on the wall and sadly I broke the glass in the frame and I slit my wrists so badly up and down my forearm that my arm is disfigured by scars for the rest of my life. 4 thick, ropey scars.

At 19 I got pregnant by Doug and went with the baby to a womans shelter when the baby was around 3 months old. We went to Rosalie Hall in Scarborough and Sandgate womans shelter. I recieved emergency housing and was given a one bedroom apartment in a co-op. So now it was just me and my baby. My adoptive parents lent me a small black and white tv and a sleeping bag and I would camp out on the floor snuggling my baby until I got furniture.

After about a year I felt this urgency to find out the truth in life. I went to a used book store called Random Books to see what I could find. I found a book called There’s A New World Coming. The title sparked my interest so I bought it. I took it home and read it right through. It was all about Bible prophecy. At the end of the book was a prayer to recieve Jesus as your Saviour. I recognized that I was a terrible sinner and jumped at the chance to have a Saviour. I prayed for Jesus to be my Saviour and to forgive my sins. I confessed my faith in Him.

Then I tell you the truth I felt God’s indescribable, powerful love washing over me like gentle ocean waves. I spent like a week crying and praying. Confessing my sins. You see having borderline disorder the only thing I had ever felt was desperation. Desperation to be loved but I had no idea what love was nor could I express it. I had felt rage, I had felt pain like there was a giant hole in my chest.

In that moment God filled that hole with His love and peace. He gave me His Holy Spirit and great faith. He forgave me for all my wretched sins because of His great mercy. I have never been the same.

I began distributing Bible tracts and going to church. I got baptised on June 12 2005 and my baptism certificate sits by my bed. Instead of self destruction and self hatred I can by the power of the Holy Spirit feel love and compassion for others. I will help anyone and am moved to express love for others in whatever way I can.

God has filled me with His great compassion for the homeless as I know what it is like to sit panhandling. This new creation He has made in me prepares packages with Bible tracts and gift cards and treats and now I go seek out the broken and the lost on the streets of Toronto every two months.

This Christmas the Holy Spirit moved me to prepare gifts for the homeless and I set out Christmas morning with a hockey bag filled with wrapped packages of pot of gold chocolates, gift cards, handmade cards filled with Scriptures about hope and belonging. ‘No Greater Love Then Jesus’ is what the covers read. God uses me to bring His love to them. God’s love and compassion are the most beautiful things I have ever felt and He fills my heart in an indescribable way. This is just one example of what God has done in my life.

So when people dont believe in God I can tell them without a doubt that God is real. He has done a miracle in me. Everything in the Bible is true. God is good. He is pure in everyway. He is light and He sent His Son Jesus to destroy the works of the devil. The devil devours kids like I was but the Lord rescues them. He saves them.

My name is Julie and I am a living testimony that God is mighty to save and with His Spirit, He can transform even the most broken, hopeless person. Its all about having faith in Jesus and surrendering to His Spirit. Chris Tomlin music has helped me greatly with this as it is so soothing to my soul.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentless, faithfulness and self control. I really rely on God’s Holy Spirit as apart from Him I cant feel love, peace, compassion or joy. It’s not things I can or have produced on my own. The works of the flesh (me without Jesus) were all destructive and led to death. Here is my poem called broken that I wrote 12 years ago during the first week I was saved. It poured from me like water.

BROKEN I look at my wrists, I see the scars I search my soul, I know my shame I’ve been led by the blind and beaten down by sin I should have died, but You wouldn’t let them win I see Your hands, the holes in Your palms I know your glory has overcome all pain I turn to You Lord, in my broken suffering A love unimaginable, how can this be In all my wretchedness, You reached out to save me A soul so pure, my hero, Your truth The word of God that whispered to my heart and set me free As I tripped over trials, in this deathly darkness I looked for the way Your light opened my soul and my eyes lit up with hope You showed me a path that I can now take Thanks to Your selfless sacrifice This girl will never fade away I toddle like a baby, into Your strong hands I am Yours, You have made me new again Paralized with tears, my repentance shakes my being Then You kiss my tears away and I am no longer unclean Thank you Father, my cross I’ll bear 'Till the day I go home, when You shout from the sky All Your children will run to You with a happy cry And there I’ll be, tucked safely under Your wing As we fly away, this life will have seemed like a dream I will never forget how You gave Yourself for me I love you Lord Jesus

#testimony #Jesus

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medamoiselle-blog · 6 years

Text

2017 in Review

I read mdA’s year in review and wanted to use her template to reflect on my year, too.

1 - What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Hung out with a group of friends and slept over without worrying about all the studying I’d have to do that weekend, went to a classmate’s/friend’s wedding, signed up to take Step 1 (omgomgomg), went through a messy break up, traveled to Europe by myself, rode on a train for the first time! (which actually took 6 hours instead of 4 because something was wrong with the train and they had to fix it halfway through the journey), killed a spider, read Lolita, went on a vacation for Spring Break, completed a project and wrote a research manuscript from start to finish, went to the Weeknd’s concert! 2 - Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I dont remember if I made any resolutions last year...I usually don’t. But, for this year, I am going to continue doing what I have learned to do these past few months:

1) focus on myself more (my health, my fitness, my happiness)

2) get rid of toxic people and distractions in my life

3) study for and do well on boards

4) No more social media until after boards

3 - Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4 - Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5 - What countries did you visit?

Some European countries, Mexico, Japan.

6 - What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

Better, more supportive friends. I used to hang out with a group of gunners (they literally wouldnt share resources because they ‘dont want other people to do well on boards’ and didnt understand why that was upsetting to me). I distanced myself and I’ve been happier. 7 - What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 14th, went on a spontaneous quick trip to Japan mid semester and learned most of renal phys on the 15hr plane rides to and from Tokyo. Stayed at the Disney resort and had a magical time.

8 - What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Taking care of my mental health, getting to know myself better, submitting my manuscript for publication. This year was full of ups and downs and many firsts, so I’ve learned a lot and have gained experiences that I value very much. That’s an accomplishment to me.

9 - What was your biggest failure?

I stopped running a few months ago, but I plan on getting back into it before this semester starts! 10 - Did you suffer illness or injury?

Thankfully, nothing serious. 11 - What was the best thing you bought?

I bought myself a ring and I absolutely love it! I love the way it looks on my finger and like wearing it.

As for practical things, I bough an iPad Pro and now that’s all I use to take notes, study, etc. I don’t use paper anymore and it’s really nice to have all my material in one place. 12 - Whose behavior merited celebration?

All of the women and men who shared their stories using #MeToo. My parents for putting up with me and taking care of me when I visit, physically and mentally tired. The one student in our class who shared his struggles with suicide and depression in an effort to help others. 13 - Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

a lot of politicians...people trying to take away net neutrality, Trump and his tweets, the ex who told me [after we’d talked about doing residencies in the same hospital and how many children we wanted, etc.] that he wouldnt be introducing me to his parents or be able to marry me because I wasn't Egyptian and his mom wouldnt approve [Boy, bye], the mom who tried to exploit money using a bullying video.

14 - Where did most of your money go?

BOARDS. Who knew it was so expensive to schedule board exams...*le sigh* Also, a lot of money spent on resources...*le cry*

15 - What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I woke up to the first snow of the season and I could not contain myself! 16 - What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

The Weeknd-Staryboy 17 - Compared to this time last year, are you: I. Happier or sadder?

A little bit of both...sadder and more stressed in some ways, but happier and more content in other ways. Overall, I’m in a good place.

II. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner.

III. Richer or poorer?

Poorer.

18 - What do you wish you’d done more of?

More dancing.

19 - What do you wish you’d done less of?

Social media. 20 - How will you be spending/spent christmas?

Hung out, made and ate xmas dinner, and enjoyed great company <3

21 - Did you fall in love in 2017?

No, i thought I did at some point tho. 22 - How many one-night stands?

23 - What was your favorite tv program?

The Blacklist.

24 - Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yeah. 25 - What was the best book you read?

Both Nejma and Salt by Nayyirah Waheed were great reads. 26 - What was your greatest musical discovery?

Dua Lipa. 27 - What did you want and get?

A ring, cute Timberland boots, an iPad Pro w an apple pen, an A in neuro (neuro is our most difficult system, it’s a 6 credit hr course with a lab, and I was scared to take it. But, i ended up really liking it!) 28 - What was your favorite film of this year?

I haven't been to the movies in years. I prefer Netflix/Amazon prime and watching from the comfort of my bed/couch.

29 - What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Turned 23. I studied for an exam, but got to celebrate with my family 2 weeks later. Lots of good food and cake! 30 - What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I had the wisdom I have today at the beginning of this year (2017) haha

If people were kinder to each other.

31 - How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

scrubs 90% of the time. business casual or professional 5% of the time. Leggings, sweaters, sundresses, boots/heels, long dresses, etc. 5% of the time. 32 - What kept you sane?

family, Netflix shows, shopping, traveling. 33 - Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pietro Boselli *heart eyes*

34 - What political/social issue stirred you the most?

Healthcare equality, DACA/immigration issues, net neutrality

^ Im going to keep MdA’s answer because yes!! 35 - Who did you miss?

My maternal grandmother who's been dead for 6-7 years now, but I still think of her some times. Also, my best friend who’s moved to another state for grad school. 36 - Who was the best new person you met?

I became closer to someone in my class this past year and I love hanging out with her. She is always so cheerful and optimistic. I love that about her.

37 - Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

Trust your intuition and don’t settle.

#year in review #2017 #need to reflect #heres to 2018

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jonnythrottle · 5 years

Text

My life before therapy

I have alot to say not all of it good or flattering but I want to log my thoughts for the time being I'm unsure of how or if this will help but maybe it will someday Let's start by saying that I hate my life I hate that I used to lie to everyone around me that I learned to fake emotion so that even when i was beyond broken I could still fill the role of a functioning human or at least that's what I thought for a long time I drank so much over the years I've abused drugs I've lied about sobriety my past I've lied directly to girlfriends my parents so on and so forth I didnt wanna be who I was I wanted to forget all my childhood trauma because I knew on some level if I faced ot head on I'd end up killing myself hell even when I was pretending to be ok I tried several times to end my life I would scratch at my flesh till it bleed sliced it open and then I would turn right back to my bottle for comfort or snort coke till I eventually passed put or blacked out so hard several days would escape from me I've been an abuser verbally physically I'm sure you can Toss emotionally and sexually in there as well despite me not remembering or maybe not wanting to remember those actions I held onto hate and aggression for as long as I can remember I can't tell you a single time in between my early teenage years and my mid 20s that I ever felt happy if I wasn't drunk or drugged out of my mind none of this is to excuse myself of the atrocities I've committed more so it's so that I can face them at my own pace and maybe one day be able to move forward I once remember telling a friend when I was 15 that the reason I secluded myself and pushed people away was because it was like there was another voice constantly whispering about not only how awful I was but how I couldn't trust anyone else i mean why would i even my father was willing to hit me because I didnt know how to behave myself correctly why would I trust anyone when I watched my father cheat on my mother while not only she was able to witness what had happened but I was able to as well why would I know how to properly care for someone else when I wasn't ever shown how I mot only didnt realize that was deep seeded issues within myself bit I alsondidmt know how dangerous of a game I was playing by self medicating after all mental health was never something discussed within my house hold I can't tell you how many times I was told to sick things up and deal with it when I did not have those tools available to me i can't tell you how many times my mother told me that therapists did not work or that I was over reacting or that my parents did not have time for what was going through my head so I stopped complaining I stopped sharing my emotions I barely cared for other people I had a fucked up view on relationships for years my social skills were non existent I didnt know how to behave or talk to anyone and that solitude fucked with me but I didnt know what to say to anyone when all they thought was that I was creepy or weird and everything else I was told not that they were wrong in some cases but I didnt care fuck them they dknt know what I have to deal with I'll keep acting the way I am because thats the only way I know how to behave .. Was I ever wrong i can't take back the things ice done or said most I'd the people I've hurt understandably dint ever want to hear from me again I just want to get better I'm sober truely sober for once in my life and I have the coin to prove it this means more to me then graduating college ever did .. speaking of college I never wanted to go mom said it was my only option I had to pick up debt I never wanted because I was told to do so I want an official diagnosis but I'm so scared of that and I dont know why maybe because if someone tells me what's wrong I'll actually know how to fix it for once and maybe I dont want to maybe I'm still trying to hold onto my insanity maybe I still dont want to face my trauma despite telling myself that I want to What if I never get better despite being sober for a few months I am constantly struggling with who I actually am I dint know I didmtt think I'd still be alive hell more often then i would like to admit i still fantasize about ending. My own life because maybe I won't hurt anymore or maybe just maybe my death will bring more happiness then my life ever did Why did all my hate for myself have to be turned on others I regret so much I'll be 26 this year and albeit sober I'm lost and scared and alone more so now then ever I dknt know if it's good or not I can tell you things I like or dislike I canbstary telking when I'm having a bad reaction to people places and things Why don't you just end it instead of struggling to get better is a constant thought of mine

#Self medicating #depression #ptsd #regrets #I hate whom I used to be

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myname-is-eli-blog · 5 years

Text

Who i am.

I have a list of common questions and things i’m going to answer as a way for you guys to get to know me better. Some are just little things like color and movies but down at the bottom are some mental things i struggle with to further solidify my perception of everyday life. If you have other questions for me that arent on this list, feel free to ask them.

1. What is your name?

Eli (i dont have a middle name) Avila

2. How old are you?

3. When is your birthday?

May 2nd

4. What is your favorite color?

Yellow

5. Favorite movie?

The Hate U Give or Avengers: Endgame

6. Favorite show/tv series?

Grey’s Anatomy, The 100, and Euphoria

7. Favorite type of music?

No idea, Pop, R&B, and some Rap, also i like any type of sad music

8. Favorite Album?

Camila Cabello by Camila Cabello or Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey

9. Favorite song?

Out Of Love by Alessia Cara

10. Favorite singer?

Camila, Kehlani, or Jessie Reyes

11. Favorite author?

Fuck bro idk

12. Favorite book?

The Book Thief

13. How do you pass time?

I paint, draw, watch tv, or hang out with my buddies

14. How do you slow down time?

Think, focus, read (this speeds up time but in my mind its slower and i love that)

15. How is your love life?

My Partner of a year broke up with me about 2 months ago and then asked a girl out a month later and that didnt work so yesterday they asked out a boy to go to Culvers.... in front of me.... knowing i was also going to Culvers... I dont really care who they date but its more the blatant disrespect and seemingly the need to hurt me thhat kinda took me aback. However, i’m actually talking to a couple people, but i’m not dating currently, i dont want to date someone thinking i like them, only for them to turn into a rebound, thats not fair to them.

16. What Grade am i in?

This year i will be a Junior in Highschool

17. What am i doing after highschool?

2 years in community college, four years in a university, then law school.

18. After college?

Hopefully ill work my way up to becoming an attorney.

19. Where do i see myself 10-20 years from now?

Hopefully im an attorney or almost there, hopefully i have kids.

20. Any regrets?

Dating my partner, and my ex girlfriend. i shouldnt date.

21. Biggest fear?

Losing control

22. Favorite Season?

Autumn

23. Favorite weather?

Rain and storms

24. Zodiac sign?

Taurus

25. Are you a morning or a night person?

Neither, during the summer i sleep early and wake up late. But i get more grumpy late at night than i do early in the morning.

26. What is your biggest insecurity?

My voice.

27. How many siblings do you have?

28. How many kids do you want?

I dont know, but i do want some

29. How many partners have you had?

30. What makes you angry?

Mixed signals, and people using me to get better then leaving when they realize im not fully better.

Mental Health Questions (it get more personal down here)

31. What mental health problems do you have?

I am diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, and PTSD

32. How does it affect your daily life?

I have anxiety attacks quite often sometimes, i wake up sad occasionally, and i have long stages of mania and depressive episodes that tend to leave me either very depressed or very unpredictable. my ptsd is just kinda random, i have nightmares and sensory flashbacks. But i learn to cope with all of this.

33. Do you know where they come from?

Yeah, first three are genetic. PTSD comes from My ex Vicky, (not my most recent, the one before that), and a night i messed up by wandering around my town alone at 4am (story for a different time)

34. Any triggers?

Yeah but i struggle to identify a lot of them

35. Do you talk to someone about them?

yes i have a therapist named Melissa, shes lovely

36. Do you take any medication?

No my mom doesnt like what it does to me..

37. How has trauma affect your daily life?

I have random triggers, i zone out a lot, i have panic attacks, other things. i struggle to focus, and i stuggle to fall and stay asleep.

38. How are you today (or in general)?

As of lately, i am fairly okay. Things with Dylan (lets say thats my ex, real name filtered for privacy) have got me confused. I see them every week, and i dont mind seeing them, but sometimes it leaves me hella hurt afterwards and i dont know why. i guess im not over them like i thought. Also, i dated them before i realized and accepted that i was trans, im new to this... but they told me they were gonna break up with me eventually anyways because they aren’t attracted to guys... but now they are talking to another transboy...???

39. How would you recommend other people get help for their mental health needs?

Gosh okay, talk to people, i know it can be scary but communication is key. you need people on your side to get passed all of this. you can do it on your own too, but its so much easier when you have a support system. an actual support system, not just one person, multiple people. Talk, express, question, get and give advice. Stay strong, and im always here to talk if you need it.

40. Are you open to people coming to you for any help that might be needed?

yessss please come to me if you wanna rant or talk, i’ll give you the best i can with what ive experienced or ill just listen if you need to rant but im completely open to it if you need someone to talk to.

-Eli: 9:34pm 6/26/19

#trans #transboy #questions #dysphoric #transgender #genderqueer

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bongivedetjuon · 7 years

Text

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by @chilledcitizen. :^)

the last … 

1. drink: Coffee.

2. phone call: Idfk probably my mom.

3. text message: A text from my classmate Anni.

4. song you listened to: Kygo’s Firestone.

5. time you cried: Properly? Like actually managed to cry real tears? About 5 or so months ago..

6. dated someone twice: Never done that?

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah the last time was like 2 days ago.

8. been cheated on: The last time I got cheated on was by my boyfriend when I was 14.

9. lost someone special: When I lost my grandpa.

10. been depressed: Apparently I’ve been depressed for all my life so..

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: I threw up because I was hungover last New Year’s Eve, but thrown up because I was drunk? When I was 15.

favorite colors

12. Mauve

13. Dusty rose

14. “asjadsasodjsda black is not a colourrrr ;___;”

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yes

16. fallen out of love: Yes

17. laughed until you cried: No.

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes

19. met someone who changed you: Yes, two people. One broke me, the other one picked up the pieces and made me into something way better.

20. found out who your friends are: Yes.

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: Yeah.

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of them.

23. do you have any pets: Two cats :)

24. do you want to change your name: Yeah, but I probably won’t.

25. what did you do for your last birthday: My uncle paid for a cabinet in a Viking-themed restaurant and we went there with some of my relatives.

26. what time did you wake up: 09:20

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Doing my skincare routine.

28. name something you can’t wait for: Not having to worry about money.

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: 1,5 weeks ago.

31. what are you listening to right now: Sia’s Cheap Thrills.

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: No.

33. something that is getting on your nerves: The fact that I’ve lost loads of weight and I still can’t eat without throwing up.

34. most visited website: Probably Tumblr.

35. hair colour: Dusty worn out red.

36. long or short hair: Mine’s short, but I want it to be longer.

37. do you have a crush on someone: No. Only love towards my boyfriend. Being in a poly relationship and all, I’ve had the chance to make multiple relationship mistakes in the past few weeks regarding people who aren’t my boyfriend and I’ve had enough of crushes for the time being.

38. what do you like about yourself: My tattoos and my charisma. My taste in clothing (if only I fucking had the money to wear that shit too.) I like a lot of things about myself. Now however, struggling and in the middle of an identity crisis, I don’t feel well enough to feel that good about myself.

39. piercings: Labret, gauges, a couple of extra earrings, septum and nose ring. Will get more.

40. blood type: AB-

41. nickname: Don’t.

42. relationship status: In a polyamorous relationship.

43. zodiac: Taurus.

44. pronouns: He/him. Considering a change of pronouns.

45. favourite tv show: I dont watch too many shows, but maybe Mr. Robot.

46. tattoos: Got a few self made ones, will get more.

47. right or left handed: Ambidextrous, but I mirror my movements with my left hand so I write with my right hand only to avoid writing like DaVinci.

48. surgery: Had a few when I was a kid, now waiting for some other surgeries.

49. so called “flaws”: Oh gods. The ones I’ve been called or the ones I’ve noticed by myself? I’ve been described as abrasive, socially clumsy, unobservant, bitchy, obsessive, strict.. w/e. I think my biggest flaw is that underneath all this I’m very insecure and because of mental health issues, both very aware and unaware of my assets.

50. sports: I walk very often and do kickboxing as a hobby.

51. vacation: No money for that right now. Would appreciate luxury shopping trips to large cities so rich ppl with extra money to give hmu I will cook for you if you pay for my shit.

more general

53. eating: Would love to, if I fucking could.

54. drinking: Still coffee.

55. i’m about to: Procrastinate doing my work, as always.

56. waiting for: The time in my life where I don’t have to worry about money. That’s what Cas wrote in. I’m not erasing that. Bc SAMEEE. Also tomorrow’s flea market shopping spree.

57. want: To have money, to buy stuff, to have longer hair, to have a better body.

58. get married: Fucking hell yes, eventually, after I’ve built a solid relationship with the one I want to marry,,

59. career: I’m gonna graduate as a 3D artist/animator. So I’ll probably work as either that or a concept artist. Wouldn’t mind training as a tattoo artist/piercer tho. My dream career still is an astronomer but I can’t count for shit.

60. hugs or kisses: I want both but only if I consent to it so don’t fucking surprise me with eitheirjdgfngf. Alright right now I don’t want either. I’m feeling bad about physical closeness but I have two cats in my lap.

61. lips or eyes: Eyes. Or both.

62. shorter or taller: Holy shit. I used to prefer shorter people but rn I like taller or same height as I am.

63. older or younger: Idc preferably older tho.

64. nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach.

65. hook up or relationship: Why not both? I don’t do one night stands but I don’t need another srs relationship right now.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: ??

67. kissed a stranger: Yes.

68. drank hard liquor: Some, and I have some regrets.

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: I’ve lost.. everything. At some point. I lose loads of stuff.

70. turned someone down: Not as soon as I should’ve.

71. sex on the first date: Never done that.

72. broken someone’s heart: Yes.

73. had your heart broken: Yes.

74. been arrested: Nah.

75. cried when someone died: No.

76. fallen for a friend: No.

do you believe in …

77. yourself: Casually no, but sometimes I get this massive boost of confidence..

78. miracles: Not in the godly way.

79. love at first sight: No. Love comes with time and trust or with luck, within a few weeks if you get to know each other very quickly.. but a strong crush can develop quickly.

80. santa claus: No.

81. kiss on the first date: ?????

82. angels: Nah.

other

83. current best friend’s name: Tiia.

84. eye colour: Green. Just. Very. Green.

85. favourite movie: Kiki’s Delivery Service, Spirited Away.

I’m tagging @girl-of-summer, @kintsugifox, @lava-power

fuk ur rules I’m not tagging more than 3

#me #ask #lol not rly an ask but soiasfjd

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

Note

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! ��😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

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findingaliceinadarkplace · 7 years

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Because I am a very bored insomniac/

1 - Who was the last person you texted? My big sister.

2 - When is your birthday? In the summer (not giving a date to remain anonymous).

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? Would be nice to be with all of my siblings (both biological and unoficially adopted), my partner, my bestie and her partner.

4 - What sports do you play? I really don’t to be honest, I do like to swim though.

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? My besties partner (its alphabetical and hes an A).

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? Currently really into Galway girl or Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? My partner, bestie or big sister, I think any of them could be grounded and level headed enough to get us off the island.

8 - What do you feel right now? Rising panic about deadlines, super tired, looking forward to visiting the zoo on monday.

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? Cadburys.

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? A few, but only one serious.

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? A friend was on it and I wanted to see what all of the hype was about, that was about 6 years ago now and I am still at it.

12 - Who is your favorite blogger? Really awful but I dont know anyone as such, I like all of the blogs that I follow but I dont pay much attention to usernames.

13 - Where do you want to be right now? Near the sea.

14 - What do you want to be in the future? I want to be a counsellor,

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? Earlier today, I had a low blood suagr and was attempting and failing to open a tin of tuna, I was crying at my failure (things which arent really tings become things when you are low).

16 - Are you happy? Not overly, I have moments of happy, but I arent at my best right now.

17 - Who do you miss? All of my siblings, bioligcal and adopted.

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? Yes and no, I have a dark past which I am still trying to get over, and given the chance i would love to make myself more confident, more able to love life and not be such a pain in the ass, but my life and all of its shit has brought me to the people i know and love today and i cant escape that fact, and i love the people who i do love all the more vigorously because I had such a shitty start, so in some ways it has been a blessing as well as a curse.

19 - What was the best thing you were given? My big sisters trust.

20 - Who was the last person who called you? My besties partner.

21 - What is your favorite dish? Fajitas.

22 - Who is your bestfriend? I wont name her, but she is a beauty and she is wonderful and i love her to bits.

23 - What is your biggest regret? Not speaking up about my abuse sooner than I did, and leaving my younger siblings/.

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? Never.

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? Partner, bestie, big sister.

26 - Name someone pretty. My bestie.

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? My partner.

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? Absolutley anything, I like most things.

29 - Are you over your past? Not even fucking close, I wish i was though/

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? A dickhead who I was forced into group work with, I really need to delete his number because I’d be happy never to see the bastard again in my life.

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? Already dating and I am happy with him, he pisses me off and gets on my nerves, but also wont take too much of my shit and can keep me in check when its needed, hes a good balance.

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? Yes, I am up here writing answers to this thing because I am having trouble sleeping.

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? My big sister.

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? Jeans.

35 - How’s your heart? Hurting, broken at times and clogged up with junk food, but also kind when it wants to be.

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? I did a very long time ago, his name was Josh.

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? Yeah, I kind of like my partner.

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? Fucking hit us up once in a while, we all miss having you around (seriously, I am on good terms with him).

39 - Do you have any phobias? dark, spiders, heights, snakes, men, car horns, small spaces, being trapped, the list is pretty extensive.

40 - Did you try to change for a person? Yes, for my parents, and everytime they werent bothered and I felt like shit so i have stopped trying now.

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? I wrote my bestie a full notebook full of quptes which are inspiring and hopefully make her feel stronger and then gave it to her a couple of christmasses ago, it made her cry.

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? Nope, I am happy with my current one/

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? Neither, I am feeling pretty neurtal.

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. Partner, bestie, siblings (bio and adopted).

45 - Describe your dream date. A carpet picnic with all my favourite foods and fizzy pop, followed by the making of a den and watching disney films while being chilled, lots of laughing.

46 - Describe your dream wedding. Unusual, i want things which are slightly more non-traditiona. I want a tea length dress, but i also want a pair of white converse because i hate heels or anyything too girly. There have to be lights everywhere, I want to feel as though there are stars surrounding me even when i am inside. for the first dance i want it to finish with a kind of flashmob. if anybody is bored at all i will be unhappy, i want lots of laughter and people being together. The colour scheme is pink and blue, to match my engagement ring and our favourite colours.

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? None, we dont celebrate it.

48 - Have you ever been kissed? Lots.

49 - How long is your longest relationship? 5 years and counting.

50 - Do you regret your past? Some of it, not all.

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? I have done on multiple occasions, but if it helps them it isnt stupid.

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? lots of times.

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? A few people, i’d like to say i dont but i would be lying.

54 - Are you a crybaby? At certain things, at other thing i am the most hard faced bitch in the world.

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? My partner and bestie do at times, i think they lie though.

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? Once when i was younger, onlly because he was gay though and apparently i was the only person in the world who couldnt see it/.

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? Yeah, I said a few choice words to someone who was a horrible, nasty piece of work. I shpouldnt have done it, but i dont regret it to this day.

58 - Do you like getting hurt? No, but from the amount i do you’d think I do.

59 - Does anyone hate you? Probably, i tried to take my abuser to court so at the very least I imagine he and his family hate me.

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? Never slapped anyone.

61 - What hair color do you prefer? I love bright colours, give me a pink or a blue anyday, I did it once before but i arent brave enough to do it again and it is a pain in the ass if you want to change colour again.

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? My reaction to trauma/

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? yes.

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? yes.

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? I’m at uni, and i did up until about a month ago but theyre no longer in my life so its fine now.

66 - Can you live without internet? Yes but it would be a struggle I imagine.

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? We found love, Rhianna/

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? Sometimes and around some people. not so much around certain others.

69 - Are you a crybaby? Sometimes.

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? Most of my life/.

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? Not overly.

72 - Do you study hard? When panic overtakes me.

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? yes, my mental health and almost sanity to protect my siblings.

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? yes.

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? yes.

76 - Did you have an accident last year? Yes, every flaming day of the year probably, i am accident prone,

77 - What kind of person are you? Id like to think i am caring and compassionate, I am very quick witted, sarcastic and stubborn as a mule. Easily anxious, but I will do anything if i love someone enough, it takes me a long time to trust though and i am wary of poeple which might make me seem standoffish at times.

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? i had a really bad intrusive thought once about stabbing my abusive stepmother, but i am in control of myself so i put down the knife (it was a butter knife and wouldnt have done any harm anyway) and went into a other room and went back to finish my food later. I dont think i could deal with bbeing a murderer.

79 - Have you ever been jealous? Not really.

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? Be there for them always, let ythem know you wont leave them and supportthem even when they are being difficult and when thir demons dont play well with yur own/

81 - What are you thinking right now? How much id love to sleep.

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? Another member from that infernal group whose number I also need to delete to have them truly removed from my life.

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? oh yeah, the vast majority of my childhood.

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? yes, so many times.

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? of course, but only to my bestie and that doesnt count, shes a sounding board as i am to her.

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? of course, I have lived over 20 years you’re bound to argue with someone in that time.

87 - Do you have trust issues? Massive ones.

88 - Are you broken-hearted? Somedays/

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? My partner.

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? Jury’s out. I have been told it is but I arent sure, and I arent sure I am really qualified to make that opinion yet.

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? Nom i wasnt abused as a child because it 3wwas meant to be, my life isnt a fucking superhero movie, i was abused because a sick fuck abused me, there is no higher power or bigger picture to it, it was just shit.

92 - Who do you want to marry?My partner.

93 - Do you believe in destiny? Not really.

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? I dont do soulmate, but I have already found the person i want to spend the rest of my life with/

95 - How do you look right now? Like utter shite.

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? yes

97 - Have you found your true love? i hope so

98 - What should you be doing right now? sleeping or studying

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.nope/

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? all the fucking time.

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mylifediaryposts · 7 years

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I know its been a while!

Hello Everyone,

As the title says its been a while! I know I said I would update the good times and not just the bad but i guess when I am in a good place I just don’t feel the need to dive back into the dark side of my life.

Ive been trying to get round to writing a happy entry into my blog for a week or so but life gets in the way, with everything within the last 24 hours I am in a sombre mood so decided to get my mind out for you all.

I will get to me and how I am but I have to address the last 24 hours for me. As you all know the world lost a great musician last night with the tragic suicide of Chester Bennington. Horrible for anyone to feel that there only way to be a peace is to not be here. All my thoughts are with his family and friends through this difficult time. In the same breath and away from the limelight and fame I came across online a 26 year girl who committed suicide. 26 years old not even a quarter way through life. Again my thoughts go out. It shows that rich,poor,male,female,no gender anyone can be affected by mental health and theres still not a ‘CURE” for it. Theres a real isolation to this disease that everyone deals with in different ways. Drink, drugs, sex, stealing, self harm to excess are all cries for help that I think sometimes we are all blind to notice in out nearest and dearest.

Im going to close this section up as I don’t want to dwell on the negatives, but if what i’ve said makes you think or a friend no matter how close or not they are to you, just give them a text/call and just see how they are doing. Sometimes that can be the saving message that stops someone tipping over the edge.

Onto the part I know youre all here for ;)

Its July 21st 2017 and Im in the best position ive been in for months. I feel as if I am starting to know the person I am again and starting to be more positive and comforatble just being Joe.

Its not been easy and I know ive seen a lot of you around here and there and ive always been a different emotion. To those that endured me at the food festival all I can say is thank you! It also made something click into my brain that the only person that was going to set my path straight was me and thats what I am doing.

I have never been great at talking wether it be with family, partners or even therapists. Im just not great at being vocal. I have found the internet has been a major help to me being able to do my own research and try out different things to see if they work for me and help me to manage whats going on! So if your like me and dont like talking just scour through the internet. Ive just started on an 8 week CBT course which is what everyone had praised as a helping mechanism so heres to hoping!

I cant stress this bit enough “YOU HAVE TO TRY”. Its all well and good reading and being like thats good! but if you dont put it into practice everyday and work on it work on yourself then you may aswell not bother at all. The hard work ends with you.

Ive also set myself goals with places I want to visit next year which is giving me something to strive for and sets my mind into saving to make the goals happen. Also another things ive found is pick back up a hobby you used to enjoy. I feel the last 12 months ive found little to no enjoyment in anything. Everything was just a constant level. I recently got back on a skateboard and as much as I sucked it made me so happy to be out and doing something I enjoy. SO get out do something dont be me and hide away in the dark. It does no good trust me on that one.

Dont get me wrong theres still points in the week where I feel down thats part and parcel of life but ive learnt tools to help them never get back to where I was. I am adamant to never return to that place. I know thats also not my decision fully but I am doing everything I can.

Just remember if you are struggling theres people around to listen- I will always be there for anyone.

Be happy, look after your own mental health firstly and remember we only have go at this game!

Thank you to everyone whos messaged me or spoken to me out about these blogs it means a lot to know so many read it and it touched so many people at so many levels!

Right Im off! Weekend is here and its a busy one! If you see my I will gladly have a beer! ;)

#suicide #mental health #mental illness #speakup #depression #fight depression #mind

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