#and I think I'm still hurting from it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sschmendrick · 28 days

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I kinda miss hanging out with old people. All my friends used to be old people.

But the older I grow, and the more I'm expected to behave well like a normal adult, the harder I find it to keep those links. I'm lost between trying to stick to a script I don't know the words of to have a proper normal and interesting relationship for them, and allowing myself to screw up a little, be boring, be interested in stuff they aren't, having opinions they don't agree with (for silly stuff like music, though yk me), not be cool. Cause the latter stresses me out. Cause I see no reason for people to want to be friends with me if not that.

#also defining your relationship to old people who already have a well established family is hard when growing up #cause they were just my friends at first #and they helped me find a safe space #and they were like a chosen family #and then their adopted daughter hated me cause they had a friend that was her age and it messed up with me #now i feel so stressed out about it. i feel so stressed that i am taking space i shouldn't. that i am making their other friends and #family that have been there for far longer uncomfortable with just my presence #and i know i was just a depressed teen and very sensitive to this shit and people keep saying that it reveals more about the other person #than you (as it's not the first time i was left to deal with people's opinion of me FOR THEM)#but it just felt like i wasn't allowed to express my discomfort and i just had to swallow the way their reaction to their emotions impacted #me and handle it on my own #and I think I'm still hurting from it #cause I got no support #i'm just asked to sit there and take it and act as if it meant nothing #...ngl saying it writing it stating it feels good because i've held onto that for years and years and I couldn't say it #i wasn't allowed to #even my psychiatrist (when I had one) told me it was nothing and to ignore it #I just wish people could say that yes it's not okay. that i'm allowed to feel how i feel. i wish people would recognize and understand #what i mean when i say that.#cause what is it worth when i'm the only one saying it to me and the only one agreeing that it's true #i hate that i need people to agree and make their agreement vocal to help heal that inner child that was always told to push it down #cause what else ?#sometimes I wish I could see young Leska cause I know I'd be among the only ones to give em a hug #I just want to take them in my arms and tell them that it'll get better. That we're not out yet we still need to fight but we will #eventually #hopefully

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 10 months

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I'm sorry I let down my guard.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #xue yang #xiao xingchen #God DAMN this scene was brutal. Season 2 episode 2 is almost nothing but misery and anguish #Helena by Nickle Creek does not quite fit the comic's vibe but it is absolutely a Xue Yang song so I linked it.#The change from “Helena don't walk away...(gentle)” to “HELENA. DON'T WALK AWAY (threat)” is fantastic.#And “Don't waste your pretty sympathy - I'll always be just fine”. Xue Yang core.#Okay now for the real meat. Disclaimer first: *I really like XY.* I think he's a great character. I think his actions consistently-#come from a place of deep trauma. While his reactions and actions put him in a villainous role he is still human about his hurt #and what I'm about to say is NOT intended to be a statement of causality or villianize a group of misunderstood people.#So with that said...Man oh man does Xue Yang have a lot of BPD traits. More that just 'character who is chronically manipulative'.#The impulsivity and emotional reactions and seeking stability makes him feel like he needs that control. What other choice is there?#The part that really gets me is how he *wants* to be safe and happy. But his past experiences tell him how thats impossible #He's the kind of person who goes 'if you don't like me then you better hate me for something substantial". All (pos) or All (neg)#''Love me entirely or Hate me. But don't you dare leave me or forget about me.''#Not at all comfortable saying 'BPD coded'. Im not a psychiatrist. Just that he has TRAITS. Feel free to disagree or add your thoughts.#ppl with bpd also are not a monolith and everyone has very different experiences. Xue yang is very complex. People more so.

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millipedegf · 2 years

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⚢ <3

#mine #art #🥩#these dogs are gay and there's nothing you can do about it #more progress for an etching project. trying to figure out how i want to represent my experiences as a nb dyke estranged from/hurt by/#and still hopefully trying to connect w/ my cultural heritage. anyway. i don't think the ideation ever gets easier but i think i'm closer

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simplepotatofarmer · 3 months

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the worst thing that came from the misuse of 'parasocial' is people think it's weird to tell people you don't know that you love them.

i do love my mutuals on social media sites and i do love the streamers i watch and i do love all the people, all around me, that i don't know. they're people! and i don't know them but i know that and that's enough for me to love them all the same.

#loyal talks about stuff and things #loyalisms #i refuse to let the whole thing stop me from loving people #some of the people i love or loved might turn out to be cruel or mean and it hurts but man.#i don't regret it.#sorry i'm sick and thinking about how much i love all my friends in my puter #and all the people who will never know i exist and who i don't know but still make me smile :)

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ducktracy · 5 months

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proper reupload in the high quality this fantastic segment so deserves; eagle pig and duck bias notwithstanding, this will forever be my favorite variant of the fabled switcheroo (and a reminder that Daffy was first at his own game!) the committal on behalf of both characters--especially the sincerity of Daffy's feigned sincerity--really sets it apart

#that delivery of “don't you believe i'm a fish?” sounds so hurt and it's perfect #likewise i think there are few one-liners/toppers that make me laugh as much as 'i told ya i was a pig'#and that all knowing glance at the audience from Daffy doesn't feel obnoxiously smarmy or self aware #there's a friendly nonchalance to it. a very clear amusement and not in a way that undermines anything this segment is setting out to achie #again. my favorite buzzword: that sincerity! a sincere investment and amusement in watching Porky obliviously and endearingly make an ass #out of himself #and of course the cross dissolve and setup of the composition implying a story/sequence of events taking place within that time...#this short isn't my favorite P+D short--i still LOVE IT A TON but there are so many i revere--but i think it's one of the most definitive #if someone was looking to get a good understanding on their character dynamic this would be one of my immediate recommendations #i haven't had the bandwidth to spread my pig and duck gospel but please #watch Porky and Daffy cartoons #tangential but i've always loved the sound effect Treg Brown uses for Porky dropping the gun #good exaggeration/whimsy while also connoting Porky's stubbornness and that this stupid petty argument is enough for him to lose sight of #his motives and discard his murder weapon. all because of this joyously stupid argument. so i like the self awareness there with how obtuse #the sound effects are #because anyone who is not Porky Pig would have just shot him point blank #and that is everything i love about their dynamic and how Daffy's intoxicating charisma and ability to get people invested even affects the #very characters on screen #gee d'you think i ought to have said more about this scene #lt #duck soup to nuts #freleng #vid

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buckevantommy · 8 days

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ohhhh they made a blunder with the timeline: tommy tells gerrard he transferred out of the 118 5 years ago, but then later bobby references buck's arrival at the 118 being 7 years ago. hmmmm

#i mean we're in season 7 so it makes sense for buck to have been there 7 years. and he took tommy's place so #tommy probably actually transferred a little over 7 years ago.#they could've forgone the mention of years altogether - had bobby say 'all those years ago' to buck or have tommy tell #gerrard he transferred 'a few years ago' or something if they didn't want to mention '7 years' twice in the ep. but it also #reminds me of tommy's cake from that bobby begins ep: it said 'the 217's loss is our gain' which is obviously backwards #bc what we were seeing was tommy leaving followed by buck's arrival. anyway now i'm thinking about this messy timeline laid before me #where tommy was still at the 118 for 2 years while buck was there so he got to witness fuckboy 1.0 and abby and was there when buck #got hurt in the bombing. he also would've been around for eddie's first year so imagine early seasons doubly jealous buck #but yeh then there's the cake: it makes no damn sense! compels me though.. makes it look like tommy went away then came back?#911 7x09 #.txt #tommy kinard #evan buckley

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imminent-danger-came · 15 days

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"Because at the end of the day...helping my friends is more important than anything else in the world!" + "You're far too nice for your own good" + "I'd do anything for my friends, but at the cost of the world?" + Sandy and MK training in s5 = I'm worried for him

#besties if MK hurts Sandy next season in any substantial way. I'll fucking win #i'm so ready #Sandy ilu #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk rant #lmk Sandy #Rn the contrast of like #''You said it Mo! The world may be full of darkness #but to let the light shine...all we have to do is stand! Together!''#and like ''I am a monster! That's what the world wants me to be- so that's what I'm gonna give 'em!''#it's getting to me #DO YOU STILL THINK THAT THE UNIVERSE WANTS ANYTHING FROM ANY OF US?#THAT'S WHAT THE WORLD WANTS ME TO BE #*cries*#show me the monster

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x22817 · 20 days

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I have to get this out and don't know a better place

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go for a walk in any neighborhood anymore. I don't know if I handled this situation well. I do know I did better than I would have in the past, at the very least. In hindsight, I wasn't paying enough attention.

Hekate and I were out for a later evening walk than usual. It was past sunset but not super dark. We were walking the big path that runs through the whole neighborhood. There were maybe ten kids out playing in their unfenced backyard. I looked. I didn't see a dog. I looked again as we were about to pass the house and saw a dog with a parent on the back porch. I should have turned around. I assumed (made an ass out of u and me) that the dog was on a leash or under control in some way.

I was wrong.

I looked down at Hek and kept walking. I'm not paying any more attention to any of this. Hekate is in a loose leash heel on my left side. This dog came so fast that I just saw a blur out of the corner of my right eye. He full body slams into Hek and almost causes me to fall over when almost hitting me, too. He is going so fast that he over shoots us and has to turn around. By that time, I'm screaming at the dog AT AT AT (I've learned that's what works best for me) because he's starting to dart at Bean again. I pull her behind me and put myself between her and this dog, who still doesn't give a shit that I am trying to keep him away. The dog starts barking and trying to get to Hek through me. He was so close I felt his breath through my leggings. He body slams my leg again, barking at Hek.

I snapped. I started swinging the end of my leash at him. My first good hit worked. He yelped and backed off a few feet. Still barking, but at least he was backing away. The father who was sitting on the porch has come out to the path now. He's pissed off, yelling at me, "he's not doing anything. He's not doing anything!" I turn to him and say, "your dog came after me and my dog. I don't know how he is going to react. I have been attacked by too many dogs." He grabs his dog and replies with, "you don't have to hit him." By this time, Hek and I are already walking away. I turn around to say, "I wouldn't have to if you kept your dog on a leash, under control, away from me and my dog."

I really wanted to say, "I could mace him if you prefer that. You and your dog are the reason I carry mace with me at all times" but I was too stunned to do any of that and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there

#how do you handle off leash dogs?#I dont feel safe anywhere anymore #you think I WANT to hit a dog???#I feel fuckin horrible #but what am I supposed to do?!?#my poor child #I really hope she isnt hurt from being body slammed so hard #I'm still a little overwhelmed #I feel horrible but not at the same time

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maxphilippa · 21 days

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uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result

#inanimate insanity #inanimate insanity invitational #ii #ii 2 #ii 3 #inanimate insanity cabby #. that's it #i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself #of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore #i am too broken to even be a good friend #hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately #i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now #i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten #i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore #i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing #i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn #cw vent #cw sui mention #i guess #mhm. i think i need a therapist

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spielzeugkaiser · 2 years

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[MASTERPOST]

I did it, ahhh. This took me longer than I anticipated! But they deserve a break before things go down the drain again.

Prompts under the cut:

I had a wonderful ask about 'Jaskier fiercely trying to comfort Geralt right back.' and I wanted to include that bit. Jaskier really tries.

'How do other people see Geralt in this AU' really interesting thought! It highly depends, I think he is seen in a somewhat positive light by some of the staff, but not by all.

ROACH

Jaskier singing 'Toss a Coin' - with others near it would probably not the best thing for their cover, but if they are on their own... I don't think Jaskier feels like it, but back to the first point - he tries to make things a bit lighter.

also for everyone who asked for a break for those two - you are right!!

What also needs to be said: Geralt is the only person who can playfully display even some minor acts that could be interpreted as aggression (like shoving Jaskier on the last panel) - everyone else and this would be waaaaay different. I don't think either of them realised that yet. Last note: Thank you all for your lovely prompts!! It feels like a guilty pleasure sometimes but AHh, this is really my favourite AU to draw for.

#undercover at lettenhove #geraskier #jaskier #geralt of rivia #roach the horse #abuse tw #at this point they are both mentally at a very dark place but they still try to care for each other #I think that's why Jaskier knows he won't be able to talk Geralt out of doing a job for hubby even if they suspect it will end shitty #and Geralt functions on protection mode and caregiving alone #also a thing that keeps popping up: Jaskier does dissociate from time to time; mixed with him playing a role 24/7 it starts to erode #his sense of self and identity #but he KNOWS who he is #he just gets scared sometimes #and Geralt knows this #honestly so angsty but this is still my favourite AU I'm sorry #if hurt/comfort has 1000 fans I'm one of them - if h/c has 10 fans I am one of them - if h/c has ONE FAN I'M-

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commsroom · 10 months

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eiffel's problem is that he sees every injustice as an interpersonal issue. he doesn't understand how his flippancy or apparent leniency towards hilbert might look to hera; in his mind, it doesn't contradict his support for her. to eiffel, it seems obvious - he is also one of hilbert's victims, hera is his friend, of course he's completely on her side - but he fails to fully grasp how the stakes are different for her.

ep 19: "you need to stop treating this like a joke, officer eiffel." / "hey, i'm the person for whom the joke tolls." / "i get you're scared he put something inside you. but i hope you haven't forgotten emergency code alpha victor. he put that in me." and ep 51: "they're just jokes! they don't really mean anything." / "see, eiffel, you get to have that. they can be 'just jokes' for you because you're... well, you. but we don't get that."

the issue in shut up and listen is eiffel's repeated, if unintentional, microaggressions, but it's also his general use of dark humor as a coping mechanism - jokes he feels justified in making because of how the subjects of those jokes have impacted him. eiffel sincerely believes in treating people equally, but his idea of 'equal treatment' can be idealistic and naive. he has an awareness of interpersonal harm, but he's lived most of his life without ever being confronted with the reality of structural harm - being pre-judged and othered and having his life devalued on the basis of outside categorization.

but the thing about that is that it has happened to him, too. eiffel is an addict, and a convict, and marked as from a lower socioeconomic class than minkowski or lovelace, and those things are the reasons goddard futuristics was able to buy him as prison labor and - without his consent - consider him expendable for medical experimentation. none of that is a coincidence, but he doesn't see the systems at work, only his own actions and regrets. which he then equivocates to the worst actions of people who don't share his sense of morality or guilt.

eiffel's ability to recognize and bring out the humanity in the people around him is one of his best qualities, but... on the basis of his identity, he's been able to live a life where he conceptualizes himself as the default person, and that's been reinforced by the pop culture he loves so much. that's a massive blind spot. he assumes everyone navigates the world in a similar way, and so, on some level, he sees everyone around him as an extension of or a reflection of himself. if evil is always personal, then it can always be reasoned with.

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #like. his answer for 'what is your worst quality?'#is a very tongue in cheek job interview answer: 'i empathize too much with others.' but from a certain angle...#i just think it's interesting. he has such believable faults and biases and assumptions about the world.#and the other thing is. eiffel's values are the show's values!! in some way he is also correct!!#but it's the line between diplomacy and centrism.#and the understanding that inaction is still an action that can hurt people. and that there's often not a right answer.#eiffel values the right things as far as the show is concerned #and as far as i'm concerned #but he lacks necessary perspective to really enact those values. decentering himself enough to really listen #while still keeping that personal focus.#i love that line where he says he's going to 'keep debugging his code' because it's so deferential like #'sorry for talking about you like this' and also 'i'm trying to see myself through your eyes.' means a lot to me.#and of course. the dear listeners literally reflecting eiffel while viewing him as the representative of humanity. there's something there #especially with the way eiffel externalizes both his good and bad qualities and projects them onto others #really good show. really good character writing. you know.

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madamescarlette · 1 year

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don't you love when you're like, okay now I'm going to leave this sorrow in the old year so I don't turn into a crotchety bitter person over it, and then you walk on feeling all refreshed and bright no longer carrying it on your shoulders, but then the sorrow wanders after you like a child who was lost in the supermarket weeping its eyes out and it says to you where did you GO I was lost! I was lost and I missed you!!! and you can only sigh and take it by its hand and say to it very well. here's your seat. I'm sorry I left you behind, I promise it was with the best of intentions, but I want to do my best by you, so let's sit together and try to figure out what you're saying to me.

#thinking out loud #i'm truly like. ok i'm mostly fine i'm a little bit going through it because it's harshest month of winter and it's always weird this month #but i just think it's so funny that i have to be like OH you don't suddenly stop....hurting over something because you decided to!#if you were missing someone who was important to you two months ago by golly you probably still will two months from then!!#weird how that be! anyway #it's funny to me because it's like the opposite of object impermanence #i used to think i was all heart no head and that there's a part of me that went hard in the opposite direction to counteract that #but i am still as much as heart as i ever was except now i have my logical side going yip yip girl we gotta go!!! let's go!!!#and the heart is like holding up a shakey hand going oh lads you go on without me...i just need to catch my breath for like....15 years #anyway anyway. the narrative is indeed kind but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting sometimes #but! we can do the best that we can and take our troubles by their hands and learn what we can from them and it will all be okay in the end #(i hope this post isn't too complainy or miserable. i may take it down later but i feel the need to say it somewhere.)#regardless of that. happy Friday my friends I love you all dearly bless you for being near me <3 <3

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bluevelvetea · 1 year

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...kinda crazy how they forgot to put this after the end credits...

(open for better quality)