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nobody-knose--archive · 3 years

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i’ve been aching to commentate spirit phone’s commentary for ages. glad i finally got around to it, this was an ejoyable experience. liveblog below the cut

-i'm like half certain i've heard this commentary before. maybe not the whole way through & it was probably actual years ago

-nice hearing stuff like this. in-depth personal view of the album-making process. makes it seem like more of a real thing i could do myself someday

-neil cicierega real person momence

-i could probably go real in depth about neil cicierega/tally hall parallels specifically concerning like. the arc of their musical careers. but i won't, here

-wild how i legitimately don't care much about micheal jackson

-didnt we get a bunch of spirit phone stems from the needlejuice release/his patreon? we could probably hear the funny track he speaks of here in that

-i love hearing musical artists, especially neil cicierega, talking about the meanings of their songs. like, not only has this song been claimed to hell & back by the tumblr gays, but with later ones i just can't see where he gets these ideas from. also, claiming there's any one meaning or plot to a song just seems silly to me

-shoutout to neil reusing a midi from like, 1998, that he made at 12 years old, whose entire melody was reused for the main verses of everybody loves raymond. loved finding that out on my own 2 years ago. now it's common trivia in this fandom. not bad times

-it'd be neat if neil did individual trans tracks here like he did with view monstel, those things are half of why i consider it my favorite album

-it's a lot easier to ignore the creator's intended meaning behind a song when he can't even remember it. thanks neil

-seesaw effect

-and there's my joke all but 1 of my followers wont get. moving on

-what kinds of movie theater lobbies has neil been to where there are arcade machines. i mean im not one to talk but that does sound rather strange

-why do songs' titles even need to be taken from the lyrics. ive never seen that as any sort of requisite. it's like titling any form of prose you can just give it whatever name ya like

-"this part sounds pretty cool right"

-is neil's vocal range only mildly better than mine? with training i could change that

-oh i haven't processed any of the last 25 seconds hold on

-god. a shit ton of vocal modification in this song. it's like neil returned to his roots but with quality this time

-i, as an ace/aro, have never related more to an allohet guy in my life. what is the point of eyes!

-professional humming/whistling takes skill. it's different from the recreational or casual stuff. i'd know

-there's a name for the way sound (especially music) gets distorted when moving past you and i can't remember it but it's probably what neil's referring to here in the way he recorded the intro

(- update: it's the doppler effect no need to tell me cas already did)

-as someone who hasnt seen the rugrats or take me there by blackstreet i'll just say it sounded like a bouncy music box melody. nice to hear a song that messes with the typical scales though. lydian & diatonic.

-that's a rather specific thing to be glad about, but given what he talked about in his last full audio commentary about the jew harp i suppose i'm not surprised

-i know that tmbg song now. listened to it & saw the music video too. yep they're different alright

-where the hell does neil get all these instrumence from anyway

-huh. hadnt heard this part of the commentary before making my oc concerning this song but i like to hear neil's approval concerning part of my interpretation

-i love how ive heard a billion different tellings of this mellified man story from lem dem fans talking about this song and neil's is by far the wildest

-good god that does only make it worse neil

-i love making liveblogs of lemon demon albums. with the fullerenes or tally hall i cant name a specific dude to take out my woes on generally but with lemon demon i can just say neil all the time. i like being on a casual first name basis with this dude ive never interacted with once ever

-is sweet bod the one other than cabinet man with a demo in the bonus tracks? i forget

-holy shit the boston molasses disaster someone call up soapy if it doesnt already know, it'd love this

-two thousand nine. god i miss the fiddle solo. the ver with it is truly the best one

-he pronounces it jeff? i've always read it as gef with a hard g. that's what i get for knowing words that are never spoken aloud

-that's a fun meta interpretation of this ghost story that's over a century old. i like that

-i've noticed neil generally does the same synths across a whole album. it's especially more clear in the earlier ones, and does mean i occasionally mix up songs between clown circus & live from the haunted candle shop

-ah! ancient aliens! my least favorite track on this album. i cant even claim to have the least interest in a popular one i've just generally not liked this one much from the beginning. so im curious to see what neil's got to say, i think ive been in ~new commentary zone for a while now

-anyway. newest update on the loolin not realizing a song's funky time signature front: i think this one's in 6/4. or at least switches a lot between time signatures. granted i dont listen to it very often for the reasons stated above

-see the way neil describes it. eldritch horror upon being visited by the unknown at a time when humanity'd hadn't even yet had a chance to imagine such a thing occurring. should be right up my alley. but the sound itself & many of the lyrics simply turn me away.

-must i specify i don't dislike it? spirit phone is neil's best album it not being my favorite doesn't mean i think it's bad yadda yadda nobody should be surprised by this it's not like anyone in these fandoms reads my liveblogs <3

-granted i think this is. the first bit of spirit phone content i've made on my blog ever. so who knows things can change <3

-the transitions in spirit phone are much less view-monster transition tracks & more extended outros. view-monster's were a bit more intro than outro sure but they also seemed directed upon making a 2-way rather than 1-way bridge between tracks. or something like that

-.............soft fuzzy man is an incredible nickname for a cat. i'd steal that if i werent afraid of introducing my relatives to lemon demon

-jirls

-an underlying metaphor is good enough. the literal side of the lyrics are fun. nothing but agreement here neil my good man

-the transition into as your father i expressly forbid it from soft fuzzy man is the best one in this album

-buddy you ask if a musical idea has been used before odds are the answer is yes in this day & age the question is has it been used in the way you're using it. like sure this soul jazz record from the 60s that was sold out in kansas stores for a week used this bassline that youve found yourself copying. but seeing as youre using it in some angsty garage rock ballad type tune does anybody actually care

-doesn't everybody like to say things in an unhinged manner from time to time

-imagine having a guitar dad, i say, with my dad being a folk accordion/fiddle dad, which is infinitely worse in every way

-i think he was in an actual folk band at some point. idk the 90s were weird

-iron my life?

-m-more intimate? there are a lot of ways i'd describe this song but intimate isn't one of them. granted as your father is negatively intimate so from there i guess you've got nowhere to go but up

-...still glad to see his interpretation kinda supports my oc at least

-the way he says characters in songs shouldn't worry about death really strongly makes me think this is some sort of. thematic continuation of stuck from dinosaurchestra, even if there's no real death in there. interesting. would also mean that the dad from these past 2 songs is named carlos betty (no last name)

-i literally never assumed this was a flute solo. piccolo at best. it's pretty clearly a recorder

-my mom plays the recorder. i wonder if she can play recorder better than neil cicierega

-we can throw a party in honor of the crushing weight of responsibility! i simply won't be the one throwing it because i have enough on my plate already <3

-what the hell does "a sense of intent" mean

-i've never heard rush before however i disagree with neil's understanding of 6/4. 6/4 is meant to have emphasis (onbeat or another term i can't remember) on the 1st & 4th beat of every measure, which is greatly different from a measure of 4/4 then a measure of 2/4. it's why his 5/4 always sounds weird, because while it's recognizable in sequences of 10/4, it's more 2 measures of 4/4 with one of 2/4 tacked on the end. that's also how it's different from 3/4. i don't know much music theory but what i do understand i will fight to the death about

-"canonized" that's. a very interesting term to use when referring to a former president

-from now on i will interpret every love song directed at some unseen "you" to be inviting me to marry them for tax purposes. thanks neil for being an aromantic icon

-ah hell yes hell yes man-made object is my favorite goddam song on this album

-short & sweet & good damn vibes. neil's thoughts on it all are only making it better

-wild how he uses very few vocal effects for a song that he clearly is straining his vocal range for. go off neil

-the qualifier of man-made is a wonderful thing. oldest or biggest thing? oldest or biggest man-made thing? what a incredibly important specification. a world of possibilities lie between the two. oh i love it

-just gets me thinking yknow! what we consider weird/impressive in another species, in our own species- what kind of equivalent to that would there be from an outsider looking in? are there alien versions of the significances we place upon things, that we could never imagine? the limits of the human imagination mean we could never conceive of something else in the world that isn't, in some way great or small, just like us- and are we wrong for thinking that? such a juicy topic i wish there were a name for it because it's kinda hard to explain concisely

-spiral of ants. my second favorite song from this album, in fact. a good one to experience

-the vocals are just another instrument. they really truly are. i wasn't going into this commentary expecting to feel solidarity for neil cicierega in this chili's tonight on more than one occasion but here i am.

-like, his whole stance on interpreting songs is something i agree with almost entirely. you can take it at face value, you can dig to their very depths, you can listen to songs without caring what the lyrics mean whatsoever, and those are all fun. & yeah while any of these people can be annoying as one of the types who enjoys gliding on the surface more than anything i find those who dedicate themselves to figuring out the whole meaning of a song over anything else to be both slightly scary & slightly annoying <3 keep up the good work

-i want to make songs for my siblings the way neil makes songs for his sibling(s)

-spinch

-neil really shouldn't be allowed to be this funny like this whole album youre thinking golly! he's just a normal man this neil cicierega! and then he starts listing the cat hacks jokes & you remember he's had ridiculously consistent viral success with all his humorous endeavors and holy shit it's neil cicierega in action talking about his music. god bless you neil

-you're welcome, no problem, my pleasure. good eveternoon, radio audience!

#lemon demon #spirit phone #pretty sure this is my first bit of spirit phone content on my blog. hi greater lem dem fandom nice to see y'all. go listen to deporitaz #loolin liveblogs #i enjoyed this less for the content the commentary contained & more for the way i handled it. more pleasant than some times ive had #tis i #i havent listened to spirit phone in general in ages. i know why. so this was nice #to the world and back again

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princecharmingtobe · 4 years

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Rai tries to explain the furry fandom for non-furries for the 24963569356586th time because I have no life~

I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir posting this here, I just still often see people in the general internet being confused about or flat out wrong about what furries are and why we like the things we like. So here I go again, taking my frustrations out by making a long-winded tumblr post about it. But hey, if you’re confused by furries or know someone who is, maybe this will help idfk

Just be warned I am an ADHD motherfucker and there will be about 10x more words than necessary.

To start, What Are Furries?

Furries are simply self-identified fans of anthropomorphic animal characters.That is, a character that is an animal, but with many human characteristics. This can include speaking human language, human-like facial expressions, walking upright in a human-like way, wearing clothes, etc. Examples of anthropomorphic (or anthro for short) characters include Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Sonic the Hedgehog, Disney’s animated Robin Hood, Zootopia, and Beastars. All things in which the “animal” characters behave and express themselves like humans. Even movies like The Lion King and Balto have what would be considered “antho” characters, due to their capacity for human thought, speech, and facial expressions, though they would be in a subcategory often referred to as “feral” or sometimes “non-morphic” in which the character still moves and behaves largely like an animal.

So to reiterate, a furry is simply a self-proclaimed fan of anthro animal characters.

Why Anthro Animals?

I mean the obvious answer is, because it’s fun. It can be really fun and get one’s creative juices flowing trying to figure out how to blend human and animal characteristics. It’s an animal that moves and acts like a human. In what ways is it like a person, and what ways is it still an animal? Popular media like Zootopia and Beastars address that question as major plot points and worldbuilding elements. But it can also be fun to think about just when creating your own characters. And aside from just figuring out how to blend characteristics, the animal aspects of a character can offer more options of expression. Ears can perk up, droop, or fold back, tails can wag, lash, or tuck between legs, growling, hissing, etc. People often use expressions comparing human behavior and emotions to animals. You ever find yourself so happy or exited you think “If I was a dog my tail would be wagging!”

And aside from being an interesting concept to think about, sometimes it’s just aesthetically pleasing.

What is a “fursona”?

Fursona is short for “furry persona”. A BIG BIG part of the fandom is original characters. If you look at a furry art website you might see some art of Judy Hops, Legoshi, Sonic, etc. But mostly you’ll see original characters. They tend to be the main focus of the fandom. Because all the things mentioned above are fun to play with, and the fandom is big on creativity and self-expression. And what good is self-expression if you don’t use it to express... yourself? A fursona is an anthro animal representation of oneself. Basically “Me, but an [animal].” These can be an accurate representation of oneself (example: someone who is short and meek and skittish might make a mouse fursona) or a more idealized version of who you want to be (example: same short meek skittish person might instead make a lion fursona because they wish they could be more confident, strong, and outgoing). Some people even make multiple fursonas to represent different aspects of themselves (Think Thomas Sanders’ “Sanders Sides” but with fur). In the fandom, your fursona is also often how you represent yourself to others. In real life there are aspects of your appearance you can’t control, or that can be very hard to control. Your height, weight, bone structure, etc. But online as a furry, you can look like anything you want. This is also a very attractive concept to trans folk and queer people in general, which may explain why there’s such a high percentage of queer furries compared to the general population.

What is a Fursuit and Why do People Wear Them?

A fursuit is simply a costume made to look like a furry character. it is pretty much no different from cosplaying comic, anime, or video game characters, except that most of the time fursuits are of original characters instead of pre-existing ones. People wear them for fun and self-expression, just like any other costume. They differ from mascot suits in that they tend to be of higher quality, and more form-fitting and expressive. Fake furries are usually pretty easy to spot on TV because they usually end up in cheap Easter bunny costumes.

While “fursuiters” are often the “face” of the fandom to outsiders, most furries don’t actually own a fursuit. They are expensive, cumbersome, take work to maintain, and don’t always play nice with certain health conditions and phobias. I personally am apprehensive about getting one because I worry I’ll have difficulty breathing, and I easily overheat. Others simply don’t see the appeal of dressing up.

Do Furries Think They Are Animals?

Generally speaking: No. People often mix up furries with a subset of otherkin known as Therians. Otherkin are people who believe themselves to be in some way non-human, usually spiritually or mentally a non-human creature. Therians in particular believe themselves to be in some way a non-human animal. Furries are on the other hand, as I said, just fans of anthro characters. While there are likely furries who are also therians, most are not.

People who approach furry conventions to yell “You know you’re not really an animal!” at the fursuiters is about the equivalent of going to an anime convention and shouting “You know you’re not really Naruto!” at the cosplayers.

Is Being a Furry a Big Part of a Person’s Life?

It varies, just like any other fandom. Take anime for example. Some people just watch it and maybe talk to their friends about it and that’s it. Others might go online to view fanart and read fanfic, even go to conventions. And some people fill every aspect of their life that they can with it, filling their home with merch, getting tattoos, even building careers like being a youtuber around it. The same goes for furries. For some people it never goes beyond consuming media and art, while for others it plays a big part in their day to day life.

Is it a Sex Thing? (VERY ADULT AND SENSITIVE CONTENT BELOW THIS POINT)

I won’t beat around the bush here. There IS a sexual side to the fandom, just like any other fandom. Any anime, comic, video game, TV show, book, there is a sexual side to its fandom. Furries are no different. Just like it’s easy to find anime porn, it’s easy to find furry porn. People be making porn, idk what to tell you.

“Isn’t that zoophilia?”

Some people seem to feel that way about it, but no, not really. The thing that differentiates furry porn from watching two dogs hump at the park is that the characters are anthro. They think and express themselves like people, and fans relate to them as they would with human characters.

This

is in no way the same as this

“Do people have sex in fursuits?”

Generally, no, for various reasons. 1. They are expensive and take work to maintain and keep clean, and you don’t want to get various fluids on them. 2. They can be cumbersome and get really hot and stuffy, not ideal. 3. They just aren’t made for it. They don’t usually offer access to ones’ genitals, and thus having sex in them would be rather difficult.

There ARE some people who will get suits specially made for having sex in, with holes in all the necessary places, but you’re not likely to see those out in public. Generally if you see someone walking around in public in a fursuit, you can rest assured it’s probably not been used for sex.

“Ugh but that’s weird!”

I mean, people dress up and roleplay characters during sex all the time. Is dressing up as Krystal the Fox all that different from dressing up as Harley Quinn? And anyway, what does it matter to you what consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom? Maybe don’t think too hard about other peoples’ sex lives.

And despite the availability of furry porn, it is not all there is to the fandom, and not everyone participates in that part of it. Heck, there are a lot of minors in the fandom, I was a tween when I was introduced to it, and the only times I was exposed to porn was when haters would “raid” our forums and spam it at us while calling US perverts, all the while being told “Hey, there are kids here!” But no we’re totally the sex-crazed perverts here right?

“I’ve Heard About Furries Who Are Bad People”

Yeah, you probably have. It’s a big fandom and inevitably some of the people in it will do bad things. Again, it’s the same for every fandom. You take any percentage of the human population, you’re going to get a few bad ones. Actual zoophiles, pedophiles, rapists, abusers. If they exist in the general population they’re going to exist in the fandom. But generally when their actions are brought to light they are driven out of our spaces, as with most fandom spaces. No group is perfect and without its bad eggs, but most of us work to keep our spaces safe.

In the end, people looking at a group from the outside tend to only see the loudest, weirdest, most outrageous members, and assume that’s what the whole group is.

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keiynantrieshisbest-blog · 6 years

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My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone’s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

#transquestioning #personal

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violet--minds-blog · 7 years

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‘The Bold Type’ and Surface-Level Intersectionality

Piper Gibson | July 26, 2017

Long time, no write, I know. It’s hard, as a mentally ill person working and going to school and trying to stay politically aware in these trying times, to update this blog. But I’m back with another post, because I am annoyed.

I’ve caught up with The Bold Type, a new Freeform series which is about three friends who work at a women’s magazine and is currently airing its first season. As I’m writing this there’s four episodes, but each is packed with so much that rubs me the wrong way that I’ve been incessantly livetweeting on my (private) Twitter about it. I don’t even know where to start, so I suppose I’ll begin with a few things I like.

I like that it’s a women-driven show. I like that we get to see women in power and at the top of their game. I like that the side characters are kinda diverse. I like that it passes the Bechdel test in a major, major way. I like that they are at least trying to come from an intersectional feminist perspective. That’s actually why I’m really frustrated with this show, but I’ll talk about that more later.

Firstly. Jane, the kind-of main character (To me, she’s clearly the main protagonist, but it could be argued that her, Kat, and Sutton are all protagonists) is boring. I’m sorry. She just is the human embodiment of plain yogurt. I cannot bring myself to care about her budding career or mediocre hetero love life. I don’t care when she wins, and I don’t care when she loses. I guess to some, her story might be interesting, but I just... don’t... care. I feel basically the same about Sutton, but she’s a teense more likable because the glimpses of her backstory spark an interest in me. For Jane, I think the writers were going for a Gifted-Child-Who-Grew-Up-To-Need-To-Please-Authority-Figures vibe, which I can relate to, except I see basically nothing of myself in her. Maybe it’s the bland cishet girl thing, but she’s not doing it for me.

My main problem with this show is that they focus on Plain Jane (low-hanging fruit, I know, but I had to do it), who has the personality of a lightly-salted potato chip, way more than they focus on Kat, who is IMO the most interesting person on the show. For a series that’s at least kind of trying to be diverse, it’s frustrating to me that 2/3 of the main characters are white and cis and heterosexual, but anyway. They have two cis, heterosexual, white woman main characters and then a black woman main character who is questioning her sexuality. Who do you think a large portion of the viewership for a show that claims to be feminist is gonna gravitate towards? Not the pasty heteros, probably.

Kat is dynamic, and interesting, and good at her job, not to mention gorgeous as all hell. Yet they give her storylines like "Black Girl Who Grew Up Upper-Middle Class Has to Have Poverty Explained to Her by White Girl” and “Black Girl Living In Modern-Day America Somehow Doesn’t Understand Why A WOC Immigrant Might Not Want to Interact With Police” and “Black Girl Who Works at a Feminist Magazine Doesn’t Seem to Know About Bisexuality For Some Reason” and y’all. It’s honestly so tiring. I understand that Kat is the one with the majority of the interactions with Adena to set up the queer romance between them (which I love and appreciate) but this also means Kat is their point-girl to explain xenophobia and immigration issues to the audience.

I would like that they’re showing interracial ignorance issues, because people of color can be ignorant about and discriminatory towards other people of color, but I don’t think that’s what they set out to do. I think they wanted this to be a cool, hip, intersectional show, so they do a few kind of performative scenes where the Muslim lesbian woman on a work visa explains to another woman of color why she doesn’t take her hijab off or why she ran when the police showed up after a man assaulted her. At one point, Kat’s white boss actually explains to her that Adena ran from the cops because she could’ve gotten deported, which Kat hadn’t even considered somehow. What this actually does is tell the audience that Kat is ignorant on issues pertaining to women of color, and since Jane and Sutton literally never have race discussions beside one throw-away line about the Civil War from Jane, it feels like race is a topic secluded to only a few WOC characters. The women of color do all the literal and metaphorical emotional labor on this topic on the show, and the white women characters don’t have to deal with it. Which, I guess, is realistic to actual race relations between women, but I would like it to be acknowledged on-screen. For Kat to have to be the person with the brunt of the ignorance on xenophobia and queer issues while her white friends don’t have to deal with it is upsetting, to say the least. Because the show doesn’t address it, to me, it feels like them saying that white women are just so much better and more knowledgeable about these things than women of color, which is just... straight up wrong. I’d like at least one scene of Sutton and Jane not understanding something about race and Kat saying “Just Google it, I’m not gonna do the emotional labor for the both of you,” please, for the love of God.

This isn’t even all of my problems with the show. It revolves way too much around romance and sex for media that seems to say women’s lives don’t have to revolve around romance and sex, for one thing. Both Jane and Sutton’s love interests are white assholes. Sutton’s boyfriend works for the same company as her and as such, is in a position of power over her. At least the show acknowledges that if this were to get out, the high-up board member boyfriend would not be the one in trouble and probably fired. But he’s still touted as this super sweet guy who tries really hard, despite him talking down to Sutton about how young she is and how he “remembers feeling like” there was no time to accomplish things like he’s so much more worldly and intelligent than her. Ew. Dump him, sweetheart.

Jane’s love interest is the. Literal. Worst. His name is like, Tyler or Aaron or something douchey, and he’s my least favorite guy archetype. Tyler-Aaron works for the “rival” men’s magazine about sex and relationships, with stunning article titles like “How To Make Your Girlfriend Fuck Like a Porn Star.” I know. Obviously, White Feminist Jane hates him at first. But I am a smart person, so when I saw them get in a disagreement in which he condescendingly calls her article “cute” and she storms off, I said, “Oh no. They’re gonna fuck, aren’t they.” Because that’s what happens every time a man and a woman dislike each other in popular media. A woman thinks a man is sexist? Yeah, eventually she’s gonna see the error of her ways and they’re gonna have sex.

See, what bothers me about Tyler-Aaron is that they made him a Secret Male Feminist. He tells Jane, “You haven’t read my articles, have you?” after she calls them sexist, and everyone tells her that he’s a pretty good writer and not a bad guy. He told her there’s nothing he finds sexier than a woman speaking her mind, and he wrote one good article about how women feeling like they need to fake orgasms is the fault of men, so he really schooled her, huh? Jane stands there with her mouth agape as Secret Male Feminist struts away smirking, and then within a day or so she’s kissing him. Yawn. Puke. Etc, etc.

This storyline doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because he already was a dick. He already condescended her writing, said she was sexy when she called him out for legitimate reasons, and wrote shitty sexist articles. Him writing one good article or being nice to her now doesn’t change that. And making him teach her something about feminism or prove her ideas wrong is akin to gaslighting. Women are already told every single day that we’re imagining all this discrimination and violence, that sexism is basically over and we need to shut up, that Congress passed X thing or a movie had Y plot so we “won,” and it’s time to move on. We’re told this despite seeing and experiencing this violence on every level, starting with interpersonal and going up to governmental and global. Tyler-Aaron apparently being an okay guy instead of the sexist douche Jane once thought he was (and I still know he is) is basically the show saying, “Hey, crazy feminist, not all men are bad, and some can be feminist, so calm down, okay? Your gut-reaction of a man being sexist and condescending is a fake reaction and you’re just making things up and jumping to conclusions.” It’s gross. And I expect better.

That’s why I dislike the show. It’s clearly trying, at least a tiny little bit, to be feminist and intersectional. It could be a really great, diverse, ground-breaking show. Instead, it is still so limited, racist, and surface-level white feminist-y. Most of what it tries to do, it fails. And, okay, I recognize that it’s important that a show like this, with a large majority of female characters, even exists. But they’re doing a disservice to characters like Kat, a lot of characters are boring and one-dimensional, and they haven’t even mentioned issues like trans or disability rights. It’s just not great writing, folks. Personally, when a show claims to be feminist, I expect it to follow through.

#piper gibson #blog #text #essay #article #media

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corneliussteinbeck · 7 years

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GGS Spotlight: Janae Marie Kroc

Name: Janae Marie Kroc (Kroczaleski) Age: 44 Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? It’s about empowering women to pursue their passions (even if goes against what society may deem appropriate for women) and deconstructing the absurd ideas that somehow strength (both physically and psychologically) and muscle are things that are contradictory to femininity and should be reserved for only men.

You describe yourself as “nonbinary” and “genderfluid.” Can you explain what this means to you, for folks who may be new to those terms? Non-binary means that I exist outside the rigid binary boundaries of the male and female genders. While I do identify as a woman and exist legally as one, my gender identity just isn’t that simple. Figuring this out was extremely frustrating and took many years in large part because I never assumed there were any other options, and I had to pick either male or female and be defined by society’s definitions of those labels.

Genderfluid means there is a degree of fluidity to my gender and that it changes. For me my gender presentation and expression may change based just on how I feel that day or by whom I interact with and the situation. This was also something that took me a long time to understand. It was very frustrating for me, and I couldn’t figure out why I just couldn’t feel comfortable all the time by picking a single gender and adhering to society’s idea of how that gender should act to be accepted by others.

How long have you been strength training, and how did you get started? Strength training was just something I was immediately drawn to as a young child. I remember seeing someone big and strong when I was very young and just being blown away. I immediately thought “Wow, that’s how I want to be!”

At nine years old I made my first set of homemade weights out of milk jugs filled with sand loaded onto a bent bar I found in the woods and constructed my first bench by laying a long 2”x12” board over two cinder blocks. Every year for Christmas I would beg my parents for a weight set. In fourth grade I received dumbbells and trained religiously with them for a year. The following Christmas I received my first real bench, with barbells and dumbbells. I have been training consistently ever since.

You intentionally lost a lot of muscle after you came out as trans, and then just as intentionally put some back on. Can you tell us about your thought process as you experienced this, as it relates to our expectations of femininity and muscles on women? Initially, I fell prey to the same societal pressures that many women do concerning body image and what is socially acceptable. I just assumed that if I was going to be a woman I had to live up to this unrealistic ideal of what media and society says a woman should be. I initially planned to lose more than half my bodyweight and had planned to go from 272 pounds of muscle at 5’9” all the way down to 135 pounds.

Initially I dropped weight like crazy, losing 40 pounds in the first month and 72 pounds in the first several months getting all the way down to 200 pounds, a weight I had not seen in almost 20 years. At this point I found myself getting very frustrated and confused. On one hand, I liked that I was blending in much easier in public and being able to wear new outfits that I felt I never could have pulled off before felt amazing, but at the same time I was really missing the heavy training. I hated losing so much strength, and the prolonged dieting was making me miserable. I was obsessing over food more than I ever had, even when I was competing in bodybuilding. The entire situation was making me very unhappy.

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I put the weight loss on hold for about the next six months and then after much soul searching just decided to do whatever made me happy without worrying about what anyone else might think about it or what it meant concerning my gender identity. One thing that helped me tremendously was getting to know many of the women in the strength training world much better. As I became closer with them, I realized so many of them struggled with the same issues I did, namely wanting to get bigger and stronger but feeling pressured that this somehow was contradictory to our femininity. Realizing I wasn’t alone in this struggle was huge for me and helped validate my feelings.

I resumed training hard and heavy, increased my calories and just focused on what felt right to me. Over a period of six months my weight climbed all the way back up to 254 pounds, and I was beginning to get a bit “fluffy.” I switched gears and focused on leaning up without losing muscle mass. I brought my weight back down to around 230 pounds, and I feel pretty good there. It fluctuates some, and I’ve been as light as 217 and as heavy as 237, but in that general neighborhood is where I seem to feel best.

I try to let how I feel and can perform in the gym or on my mountain bike dictate my weight more so than how my body looks.

I find that if I make how my body looks my top priority I will always find some way I could look better and this results in excessive dieting and unhappiness.

What does your typical workout look like? In the gym I still follow a program that is centered around the three basic powerlifting movements, but with additional days for the remainder of my body and increased overall training volume. A typical chest day for me would start with bench pressing, often for something likes five sets of five reps, followed by inclines for sets of ten, maybe a little dumbbell work, and then often pushups or dips with body weight until failure. Leg day would start with heavy squats, followed by Bulgarian split squats or lunges, sometimes front squats, with a couple hamstring movements and calves.

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I mostly stick to basic compound movements with lower rep ranges (1-5) and then higher (10-20 reps) for my assistance movements. I program my training in cyclic four-week waves with increasing intensity for three weeks followed by a fourth week with increased rep ranges and volume but decreased load intensity. Each successive monthly wave is heavier than the preceding month for a 16-week period. After I complete those 16 weeks, I will reassess and start a new training cycle. This keeps me both growing and getting stronger while preventing overtraining and psychological burnout.

Favorite Lift: Depends on the day but squats, bench presses, and deadlifts are still hard to beat — especially when you’re making progress. Few things feel better than hitting a PR in any of those.

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Most memorable PR: Pulling a 40-pound deadlift PR to move from fourth to first at the WPO Arnold Classic qualifier in 2005. The lift was the single hardest deadlift I have ever pulled and likely took a full ten seconds for me to grind to completion. I actually felt my right acromioclavicular joint separate half way through the lift but kept pulling for all I was worth.

My PR going into the meet was 716 pounds, and after my second attempt I told my handler I was good for 733 maybe 738, if I absolutely needed it. My training partners did the math and came back and told me that I needed 755 for the win. I told them to put it on the bar and I would make it happen. I knew my lockout was strong and that if I could just get the bar to my knees I could complete it, and that was all I focused on as I tried to rip the bar from the floor.

When I locked the bar out the place went nuts! My training partner ran out on stage and lifted me in the air. It was a surreal moment like something out of a movie exactly how you always dream about winning a big meet, but what really makes this something I will never forget is that my handlers actually miscalculated how much weight I needed to win, and I still ended up getting second. Everyone was afraid to tell me at first, but when I found out I wasn’t mad at all. I knew I never would have pulled that weight if I hadn’t believed it was for the win, and we all had a good laugh about it.

How has estrogen therapy affected your lifting? The difference estrogen makes in regard to gaining muscle and losing body fat is undeniably huge. It was almost two years ago when I stopped testosterone and started estrogen and my strength immediately plummeted. Every week I was losing ridiculous amounts of strength, sometimes 20 to 40 pounds in a single week. I would load the bar with the same weight I had used the week before only to find out there was no way I was going to be able to complete the desired number of reps, it was crazy. Fortunately after a couple of months the strength loss leveled off, but the effect was dramatic.

Estrogen therapy also had the same type of effect in regard to gaining body fat. I was eating like I was prepping for a bodybuilding show and still having an incredibly difficult time staying lean. We had titrated my estrogen dose up quite high (8mg per day) to hopefully achieve more breast growth but at that level the increased body fat was too much for me so we backed it down to 4mg per day, which still puts my blood levels in a normal female range and allows me maintain a reasonable level of body fat without feeling like I am starving every day.

I think the most interesting thing to note that is prior to stopping testosterone and starting estrogen I was among the strongest men in the world for my body weight. After almost two years on estrogen and without testosterone my strength levels now are very similar to the strongest women in the world at my body weight.

Top 5 songs on your training playlist: For training I still prefer the fast, heavy stuff that really gets me in the right place mentally especially when a big squat or dead is scheduled. Bands like Korn, Marilyn Manson, Ministry, Rammstein, old-school Metallica, and Disturbed often populate my training mixes, but I have a wide range in music taste including EDM, dubstep, alternative, classic rock, punk, and even the cheesy pop and hip hop stuff too. I also find songs with a theme about fighting against the established norm to be motivational.

Some of the stuff you’ll find on my current training play list includes:

Take Me Down by Genevieve

Bad Reputation by Joan Jett

Gucci Coochie by Die Antwoord

Fear by Disturbed (my favorite pre-deadlift psyche up song)

Clown by Korn

The Reflecting God by Marilyn Manson

Top 3 things you must have at the gym or in your gym bag: Powerlifting belt, knee wraps, chalk.

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? All depends on the training day and what my goals are at the time. I have been fortunate to have a lot of amazing training partners over the years who are still some of my best friends to this day. The camaraderie that is built by sharing experiences under a heavily loaded bar lasts a lifetime and as a competitive powerlifter no one reaches the top alone. However, some of my most intense and focused training sessions occurred when I trained alone and would just go deep inside my own mind, facing and overcoming my own doubts and fears.

Most embarrassing gym moment: OMG, I can’t believe I’m going to share this in a public interview but I will, because I know I’m not alone. I had “an accident” as I strained with everything I had during my third attempt deadlift at a meet. I left the platform and headed straight to the restroom hoping no one else noticed! To be honest, over the years, that has happened numerous times in the gym under heavy squats and deadlifts and while embarrassing, that’s what can happen when you push your body to its limits.

Most memorable compliment you’ve received lately: Recently, it would be the numerous compliments I have received from other women about my body and how they admire what I’m doing. It feels really good to know that they support me, because my biggest fear when I came out was the ladies of the strength training world would feel I didn’t belong and would see me as an imposter. The reality has been that I have been welcomed with open arms, and the support I have received has been overwhelming. I have made so many new and amazing sisters in strength training that alone has been worth all of the sacrifices I have made.

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I try to make it a point that whenever I think something positive about another woman I share it with her. Just yesterday I told a woman for whom I have a lot of respect in the strength training world how much she amazes me and how I admire her. She is a multi-sport athlete and her incredible strength, amazing physique, and especially her awesome attitude epitomizes what a Girl Gone Strong is.

Favorite meal: For an everyday normal meal, as boring as it sounds, I eat a lot of plain old chicken or steak and rice seasoned with garlic and various spices. My boys actually beg me to make this all the time. Cheat meal would have to be pizza and ice cream.

Favorite way to treat yourself: A relaxing but also adventure-filled vacation to somewhere tropical accompanied by a close friend or partner. I am way overdue for one of these.

Favorite quote: “In order to achieve what others cannot, I must be willing to sacrifice what they will not.”

Favorite book: He, She, and It by Marge Piercy. This is a great sci-fi novel that also examines gender roles and stereotypes.

What inspires and motivates you? To be better than I was yesterday, to help others who for one reason or another have always felt like they didn’t belong, and more than anything, to lead by example for my three amazing sons.

What do you do? I am licensed pharmacist by trade, but I am also involved in activism including writing and speaking about gender and sexuality. I am currently working on an autobiography and in the final stages of completing a documentary about my life, titled Transformer, which will air in the fall.

I definitely keep busy, but my hobbies include muscle cars (I own a ’67 Camaro that I have dubbed the “Krocmaro” that has its own Instagram page), mountain biking (planning a trip to Whistler in British Colombia this summer), and makeup (I love YouTube tutorials and the transformative power makeup can have).

I love hiking and biking with my three sons and this summer we are planning a trip to Yellowstone for the first time, which we are all very excited about! I love the outdoors and especially water. I have always felt drawn to water, and whether it’s a river, lake, or ocean it doesn’t matter to me. I am also an adrenaline junkie (hence my love for fast cars) and have been skydiving, rappelling, and plan to start racing two of my cars this year.

Describe a typical day in your life: Due to recent unexpected developments, I am currently attempting to leave the 9-to-5 world and pursue activism full time, so my days have changed a lot and also vary greatly from day to day depending on whether or not I’m traveling.

A typical day while at home usually looks something like this:

7 a.m. — Morning cardio. Typical activities include sprints at the track, running stairs, or biking.

8 a.m. — Breakfast, most often oatmeal with a piece of fruit, almond milk, and protein powder.

8:30–11:30 a.m. — Check and respond to important emails, work on articles, interviews, or other writing projects. I also still write training programs and diets for clients.

12 p.m. — Lunch. I typically have a shake around 10am or so and lunch around noon. Lunch most often consists of standard bodybuilder fare like chicken and rice, lean red meat and a salad, or sometimes fish for a different protein and sweet potatoes for a different carb source.

12:30–3:30 p.m. — If I don’t have a local speaking engagement or meeting to attend, then I am most often again working on some form of writing or work on my computer.

4 p.m. — Gym training session. Right now I train with weights in the gym five to six days per week, and I try to get in two to three rides on my mountain bike per week if both the weather and my travel schedule permit it. I am lucky enough to have a full training facility in my basement so I can train at any time day or night. Depending on the day’s schedule I sometimes train first thing in the morning or even late at night, but in the afternoon prior to dinner is more common during the week while in the morning prior to breakfast is more common on the weekends.

6 p.m. — Dinner. I always consume a large intra-training shake consisting of cyclic dextrin and hydrolyzed casein but still eat my largest meal immediately after training. This is most often lean red meat with a complex carb source like rice or potatoes.

7 p.m.-Midnight — I am a morning person and prefer to do my work early with the hope of relaxing a bit in the evening, but my evenings are still often filled with Skype conferences and working on projects I wasn’t able to complete during the day. Still, I try to finish every day by having a last meal usually watching Netflix while snuggling with my kitten, Dawkins, on the couch. It’s a perfect way to unwind before going to bed.

Your next training goal: Now I am just focused on being a better all-around athlete. I am in my mid-forties and I have begrudgingly accepted that my days of my absolute best athletic performance are behind me. This has not been easy to accept, and I will always be a competitor at heart but now I want to maintain as much strength as I can, be in good enough cardiovascular shape to do all of things I want to (hiking, mountain biking etc.), and maintain good overall health.

For what are you most grateful?

Without a doubt I am most grateful for my three amazing sons. The bond of unconditional love that we share is something I never could have imagined, and their support throughout everything has been absolutely amazing.

Of what life accomplishment do you feel most proud? While setting the all-time world record in powerlifting was the number one goal of mine for many years, and hugely satisfying, I have to say I am much more proud of being open and honest about whom I am in the face of immense pressure to do the opposite. Every time I receive an email or message from someone stating that my being honest about who I am has helped them, I am reminded how important visibility is for the transgender/gender non-conforming communities (and anyone who feels different in their own way), and how you can save someone’s life without ever having met them. I have said since I first made the decision to be honest about everything, that if my being out can help prevent just one suicide or stop one parent from rejecting their child, then any sacrifice I have to make is more than worth it.

Which three words best describe you? Honest, complex, determined.

What’s a risk you’ve taken recently, and how did it turn out? The biggest risks I’ve taken recently have been undergoing both Voice Feminization Surgery and Facial Feminization Surgery. I have been researching both of these procedures for many, many years and greatly desiring the results. For me, it is just about taking steps to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Every time I have heard my extremely deep voice or seen pics of my face, the masculine qualities of both have always made me cringe.

Even though there was no doubt I wanted to have these procedures performed and had done all of my homework ahead of time, there are still no guarantees that things will turn out like you hope. As with any surgery there is always a chance of complications, that the results will be less than desirable, or that you could be putting your own health in jeopardy. I was talking about my voice and face, two things that affect my life greatly on a daily basis, especially as I try to transition into a career of speaking and activism.

They are also extremely expensive and not covered by insurance at all. I had to spend tens of thousands of dollars, and I felt guilty doing so. I couldn’t help but think how that money could have been toward my son’s future college tuition or other seemingly more vital endeavors. The recovery process for both was daunting as well. I wasn’t able to speak for eight weeks after voice surgery, and anyone who knows me will tell you that was a fate almost worse than death for me!

For my facial feminization surgery, the bone in my forehead and jaw required extensive reconstruction and work was also required on my nose, cheeks and eyebrows. Recovery is very painful with significant swelling, bruising, and it will be weeks before I can eat a normal diet of solid foods. Still, I knew deep down there really wasn’t a choice, and these were things I absolutely needed to do to have any kind of peace internally.

I had the voice surgery performed in January in South Korea, and while it can take up to a year to experience the full increase in pitch the change already has been significant although I am still hoping for an additional increase. I just underwent my facial surgery in Los Angeles on April 25th, and I’m still extremely swollen and bruised. I lost twenty pounds due to the limited diet and difficulty while trying to eat. As the swelling is beginning to go down, I am starting to get an idea of how I am going to look and so far it appears to be very good. I honestly can’t wait to see exactly what I’m going to look like a couple months from now.

How has lifting weights changed your life? As an adolescent I was a good athlete and very confident, but when junior high hit, things took a huge downward spiral for me. I got shunned by the same group of friends I had grown up with, I was struggling in silence with the growing confusion surrounding my gender identity, and when everyone else had big growth spurts, I did not. All of these things combined to strip away my self-confidence. Because of my complex gender identity and not liking the face I saw in the mirror, I accepted the fact that I was ugly and that no one would ever be interested in dating me. I never had a serious relationship in high school or while in the Marines, and because I felt so uncomfortable trying to play the male role I never went to a prom, Christmas dance, or any social events like that.

Fortunately, through strength training and competitive powerlifting I slowly built my confidence back. First I learned to believe in my ability to achieve any goal I set on the platform, and then I learned how to apply that same confidence to the rest of my life. I often say with absolute sincerity that my success in powerlifting prepared me perfectly for coming out as transgender in the public eye. My belief in myself by that point was unshakeable, and I was already used to being scrutinized and degraded on Internet forums. I was well prepared for the backlash from the strength community that followed my coming out.

Without a doubt the confidence I gained from strength training that has impacted every area of my life in a positive manner.

There are quite a few resources and an active online presence for trans men and transmasculine folks who strength train. Have you found any such community for trans women? Unfortunately I have not, and I have been contacted by numerous trans women who strength train wanting to talk to someone who can relate. Just like we often see with women from other communities, many trans women attack other trans girls who weight train and question their femininity, it’s sad and unnecessary.

How would you address the concerns some women have about bulking up or appearing “unfeminine?” First of all, bulking up and adding significant muscle mass takes years and years of extreme dedication and hard work, especially for women. It doesn’t happen overnight, so that shouldn’t even be a concern for anyone who doesn’t have those goals. But more importantly, who has the right to say what is “unfeminine” and how do we even define what that means? The definition is completely arbitrary, changes over time, and varies greatly from one culture to another. For example what it means to be feminine and is acceptable for a woman in the United States is drastically different now than it was in the 1950s. Even today, in a progressive country like Iceland, what is considered feminine and acceptable is radically different than in a country like Saudi Arabia where women have very little rights relative to other cultures.

I am big believer in only the woman herself getting to define what femininity means to her. I have witnessed just as much strength, determination, and mental toughness in my female friends as in any of my male friends. The idea that all men should be strong and all women kept weak is harmful to everyone. Not every male is strong and women aren’t weak. No one should ever be pressured by society or anyone else to be anything other than what they are, and by trying to define and enforce rigid gender roles (especially outdated patriarchal based ones) anyone who doesn’t naturally fall within those definitions is harmed by being forced to live a life that is not entirely their own. So let each and every woman define her own femininity and may she be free to be all of whoever she feels herself to be.

What do you want to say to other women who might be nervous or hesitant about strength training? First of all I’d like to say that I am all for anyone pursuing anything that makes them happy as long as it doesn’t harm someone else. If weight training is something you think you might enjoy then absolutely, one hundred percent go for it! Many women find strength training empowering and love how it changes their body and their health.

Also, never let someone else discourage you from ever pursuing anything that makes you happy. I know there are still a lot of men and women out there who discourage women from lifting weights by pushing outdated ideas about how strength and muscularity are only for men. Sometimes men find strong women intimidating or threatening, and other women may not understand, but those are their problems, not yours. Strength training is not contradictory to femininity, and the strength training world is filled with amazing women of all shapes and sizes. If you’re a woman and you’re even the tiniest bit interested in giving strength training a try, by all means please do! You may find it to be a life-changing experience that impacts not just your body but your mind as well, and benefits you in all areas of your life. I know so many women who have had that experience, myself included.

If you’d like to connect with Janae online, you can find her on: Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

The post GGS Spotlight: Janae Marie Kroc appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.

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