#and i try and see other people and i try and distract myseld and i try and like anyone but him and it kinda works! horray! im having a nice | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tumblunni · 5 years

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Does anyone in Wales wanna meet up and say hi?

I dunno if any of my followers live near me! I know most of my besties live in america but do any of you live anywhere in the UK?

I'm totally broke right now so i cant get to england/ireland/scotland, but my disability bus pass lets me travel for free anywhere within Wales. Its been a HUGE help towards my mental health, there were about two years where i never went outside my one local street at all and that sort of isolation just amplifies mental illness.

So umm yeah ive recently become brave enough to visit places i dont know and meet new people. It still makes me anxious as heck but i can actually accomplish it! I feel proud and i wanna continue getting better! seriously all this fresh air has done wonders for me and i need to find more ways to pass the time outdoors even when im broke cos i know if i let myseld self-isolate again til my next benefits payment then im just gonna fall into the same anxiety spiral again.

So umm yeah if any of you guys live in wales or are gonna be in wales this month, would you like to hang out? :D

Or also if anyone just knows any cool places in wales i could go to that are free. Or if anyone could help me make up some ways to amp myself up for going on walks even when i dont have something to do? Like.. If i dont have a "mission" of some sort then i cant distract myself from my anxiety. Its really dumb. I havent yet progressed to the point that im actually able to enjoy socializing or enjoy walking around like.. On its own,for its own merits. But at least now im managing to enjoy doing stuff in busy public places, enpugh so that it can outweigh the panic. Someday that panic will be truly defeated and i can go back to just enjoying walks!! Man i still remember how i really enjoyed Just Walking Around when i was stuck with my dad, i'd be able to just walk the same laps arpund the local shops and park and the scenery itself would inherantly calm me. But then as i continued to grow up under his abusive parenting i started being afraid of other people, feeling like theyd all be thinking the same things he said to me. That sort of isolating tactic where your abuser will be all "you cant survive alone oh im the best thing youll ever have, everyone else will be even worse". To make sure you're too scared to seek help! Its fucked up! And i hate that it actually got worse for the first few years after i left him,cos of the pressures of suddenly having to live alone and be independant when you'd had all independance burned out of you. And then id feel like if i wasnt getting better that meant that he was right, yknow? Anyway thats why im SO HAPPY that i've been making progress!!

So umm lol you can help me continue my Being A Mentally Healthy Person Practise by giving me Missions!

Just..any excuse to go outside. Anything i can do to occupy my mind whenever i start getting The Panics. "Hey bunni i challenge you to go to a place you've never been which begins with the letter M!" "Hey bunni try and find the funniest restaurant names in town!" "Hey bunni ride this random bus number you havent tried before and then ride it back home again!" "Hey bunni keep an eye on the ground and see if you can find three lost pennies before you get home!" "Hey bunni draw my art request but do it while sitting outside somewhere to get over your fear of doing stuff outside somewhere!" "Hey bunni try and pay attention to your surroundings while on your walk and then design a fakemon based on 3 interesting things you saw!"

I dunno lol...

Uhhh.. Probably the best kind of stuff for missions would be stuff that encourages me to go to new places, or to try and come out of my shell a bit more in the places i know. Like dont just be all hyper focused on not freaking out, actually look around a bit more. But its hard to be observant when my attention keeps getting dragged back to panic, so dumb stuff like "count how many red cars"would help trick my stupid misbehaving brain into accidentally doing something healthy for once! Its like i cant be left unsupervised?? Whenever i dont have a Goal or Reason or Distraction for a thing, my default setting for that thing is always Panic And Run. *shrug* Also just im a dumb person who gets easily entertained by goofy mission time. Making stuff into a game has always been my coping strategy, ive been making lots of progress just by keeping a notepad and giving myself experience points for every kilometre i walked per day. And also this is why taking photos of tiny gengar in cute places is truly a healing act!!!!!

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somethingimnotembarassedbylater · 4 years

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ugh i’m just in the mood right now. i just don’t know like what am i even doing cause how am i lonely like that’s so fucjing lame that’s such a lame problem to have that’s so trash that’s absolutely terrible i hate it so much what the hell im just not into the concept at all i don’t wanna face it cayse when you think about it what friends do i really have lmao??????????? this is my fault for sure like i can’t even blame anyone else for fhis i’ve been purposefully not putting in effort and putting it off as a oh im taking time for myseld so it’s self care,,, thats a lie self care would be doing things id actually feel good at the end about. i’m just alone huh like when i think about it’s not bad i’m not mad at it i don’t hate it cause i have the things that bring me joy and i have the things i don’t thats life for everyone but then being seen as lonely rhats fucked up i hate that so much like someone’s gonna pity me,, ME??? i have a perfect life haha why would anyone think about me and not be jealous why would they think of me and feel bad for me why would they think oh poor girl let me try harder as some charity like this is my absolute worst nightmare and the fact that i’m triggered so easily too especially by her but i don’t know what it is about her like is it that she’s extremely aggressive when talking to me or is it that she reminds me of who i really am i can’t hide behind a screen in front of her she knows i got no friends and i don’t think she’s exactly subtle about bringing it up again and again like i get it a joke is a joke but i am sensitive i’ll admit i get my feelings hurt so quickly and there goes my entire day you know like i haven’t done anything and i don’t know if i will and i don’t feel fulfilled at all and i’m lacking im not spiritual i’m not good at anything i’m literally just here i’m not even contributing i’m legit just here and i can’t lie about that this isn’t enough ofcourse it isn’t cause is anyone even happier seeing me anyone even think of me in a fond way am i even someone’s go to cayse i don’t think so no ones my fucjing go to anymore i hate it so much i’m just a lonely loser who sits in her room and eats and takes and hoards and is awkward and has nothing to show for herself no social skills no attractive attributes nothing about me is someone i’d willingly talk to cause fr there’s absolutely nothing of substance i ever have to say ,,, the last time i had a real conversation God i can’t even remember cayse what the fuck who am i even honest to? who’s gonna sit there and listen to me? is fhis why people want a boyfriend is rhis why girlfriends are important? as if anyone would ever try to even have a conversation with me cause who the fuck am i even what do i have to say? all i do is distract distract distract like from what? what even is inside me? nothing right? i’m not a real person i have no personality i’m just a parroted version of other people i’ve seen i legit have no respect no attributes about me that anyone would ever want to have so then i jisy change my appearance and bet everything on that so that i can be interesting there’s absolutely nothing of substance in me i hate it i hate it here it hate it i don’t hate me there is no me i jisy fuckijg hate it i don’t know how to be a person i feel like i’m just fundamentally missing a part of a person that lets them have a spine and make decisions or do things that they like or express any kind of emotion cause havent i just been fake as hell to everyone and fuck they all think i’m an attention strived baby who can be quelled with some affirmations right? like no one will ever ask about me right? it’s not like i’m asking either am i ,, so it is my fault right? i look and am pathetic to anyone who knows me and they all look down on me i fucking hate it i imagine it’ll be better if i meet someone who understands but clearly it’s been 19 years no one fucking does

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futanaritalizorah · 7 years

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Yep. Way to be edgy too and say we all are angels who just forgot to fly Yeah lucifer was an angel. Shit. Bitch more lile you broke other angels wings and tore em off and claimed them as yours. Youre gonna float but you wont soar as high as others. Im just fucking speechless at this point. Relationships dont run on memes and edgelord comments you guys can relate to. You both will be each others undoing at this rate. You wanna know what ive been doing for the past 6 months? You ran away from your rl friends and went to swtor trying to find replacement friends. Yeah, replacements. I still remember your comments about aris or whoever reminding you of eric and aomeone else as jose. Im js. But you cant make othwr people replacementa. They are each unique. I wanted to make sure you had at least one real friend (me) but nope ive gotten fucked over wvery fucking sincere attempt ive taken. Fucking take a walk in my shoes where i had to choose you over me every fucking time your choice wouldnt benefit me much or at all. It was actually working against my odds if anything. Nope bitch dont twll me youre an angel kell. Your choicws were all for personal gain. Fun fact she has 25 mill. She didnt need your 3 mill. Yes i have photos cause she fucking bragged Ahe also bragged about the schematics she needs on when the bitch doesnt wven craft She doesnt craft. She fucking even wrote it in fucking ops chat "i just need so lmlei cant have it" She has like 15 schematics in her inventory that cant be used cause she doesnt craft. So its as if she needed on things she doesnt want or need but ahe lets it take up wmpty spacw in her life just so she feels like she has some worth. Bitch, i just used psychology. Fucking idiot. Cody, metaphorically, you are one of those schmeatics. You fucking are another object. Congrats. You yourself put your ass in that position to be used. Dont you fucking blame me or others. You are in charge. The time you fucking took charge, you fucking banned and kicked me. Gee gee Just gee gee Tired of looking aftwr your ass I was never required to but i...i cared enough to I was stupid to care enough to I didnt want you fqlling fast and hard and i was stupid cause i got caught in that fall. You have real frienda vut youre keeping too much trasg around to see. You are not obligated to ducking keep friends happy. Your real frienda are just happy you exist. God. Even yoyr rl friends saw what kell wrote on your post and wanted to jump on her. You...ugh! I know you. I know you hate making your friends happy 24/7. I know you hate its a daily fucking job. Because you cant even make yourseld happy so why are you gonna bother. Nah. No. Actually. You make it a thing to try making othwrs happy but yoy cant *truly* do that unless you even know what happiness is. Unless you can find happiness here, right now, in the present...you wont find it elsewhere. I know youre battling inner demons but you have real frienda that are simply hqppt be ause you are thwir friends but you choose to go to fake ass friends who need to be paid to be youe friends. Yes cody, you are too kind. But youre a fucking ass to the friends who kept it real with you. Its on me i stayed but its on you for being an asshole. Yes im saying it. You were an ass to me cody. You call me passive agressive? Fuck no. You going behind my back and shit talking is passive agressive. Idgaf if you didnt mean it.... cody you said it...its the principle of it all I keep saying ypure misguidex but fine whatevwr. I keep saying youre depressed but fuck no Grow up and have accountability because i am not the cause of your own inner demons. You blame me for wvery shir that happens in your life then,you should blame me for yhe good things too. I helped you get where you are. God damn. I fucking kept you company pn drives and i fucking helped talk you up to lwave your job Kell thinks she has shit over me. Yeah no. I fucking helped you take leaps from where you were. Shes helping you have no friends and be fake as fuck. Cody. Your real friends are waitinf for you. I see why they stepped back when you started running. They told me to watch myseld xause id get ducking caught. I see it now. You say i made you...ugh who cares abymore. Long story short all your friends, including me, are stwpping back. You are always worthy od my time if you straighten up and stop blaming me for everything like a child. You know that fucking brrak up month was fucking more hectic and it was hextic on your part. You were teaching the pawn shop people, you were packing, you were driving a lot, you were having to feal with your mom cause she talked about your depression I font fucking know. I just know it was hectic and i wasnt deluding myself. There were a lot of changes and i wasnt the xause of that fucking atress. You put the blame on me. Lets all be fu king realistic. I tried calming you and fucking telling you to get rest you blah. I will never regret staying aimply because my acts each came from a place of love. But now...i gotta step back like your friends. Fyi, i didnt make you stop talking to your friends. You didnt talk to them for 5 years. I caught up with each one more than you have. It takes effort to talk to people. I wasnt hete for 5 years cody. Dont blame me for uour lack of friends like kell does. You dont have friends cause you chose trash over your rral friends. We will genuinelt keep up with what you are doing...her? She will want to know gossip. Kell is different: she has no friends cause shes a hoe in rl too. Please i didnt fucking cause that. If she caused that shit in rl then its plausible she did it in game too. Shit. She sucked klebis dry, he sucked kldbis dry, and you have less than klebis or wick does so idk wtd she wants feom you other than your money. Money is money. Idk. I AINT fucking staying to waych tho Pft kell chased me onto other team speaks you idiot. Your ts isnt being used even by kell. Kell you lost more friends for sure by getting me kicked for your stupid shit. You stupid idiot. God. But yeah she xhased me onto otther ts but we were genuonely afk and even if we werent i wouldnt fucking talking to her. Fucking bitch. I gave you my number fucking uae it hoe. God. Shittiest girl ive wvwr met Grow up damn it. Take your sweet damn time but if im not around then who will ypu blame huh? I made your life easier....so yoy wouldnt have accountability Even aftwe all this bs guess what, i still succeeded I left you a successful guild and prog team. But you threw it away. Fyi they didnt mind a sorc being on the team Even then i left but got a replacemwnt. Dethus doesnt fuck around with operatives cause he likes clearing content. Ik he wont fuck around. I also considered his personality. Aris and gold liked him. Good for me. Dethus and onako know each other. They all fucking click cody. Yes. It was a good trwm. No fucking bullshit Gos damn it cody i left you a family Dont fucking go to them until you straighten youraeld up but ypu do have people yo turn to. Avoid fucking muffins. Fucking pastry fucking makes me wanna die. Ask avoniel. Shit. He was trying to gauge if i was the problem or muffins. Its fucking muffins. Jealous piece of shit. Im too busy fucking focusing on you to give wick any fucking thought. Fucking hoe got me punished for her own problems. Fucking shit i dont even wanna go through the wntire story yet. God. Fucking immature bish tho. They were on a break at the time and shes keeping tabs on him and wick was raiding with me cause he asked me to help distract him. Of course i will. With fucking raids. Idiot. We werent flirting. St all. I made him kill shit is all. Wick blames himself but its muffins who told vexus. Fucking idiot. Avon didnt even know. He fucking said he didnt believe it...then fucking wick confirmed and hes like yep muffins is the one creating shit and im here trryibg to just raid. Fuckinf shit. All those stwps i took to take muffins feelings into consideration and she does one thing and was careless and fucked so fucking bad. Fucked wverything even. Fuck. God damn i wont be around for you to blame anymore so straighten up. Then you can talk to me but even your mom says you cant fucking ask gor space and pull me back I never told you to raid with me I saw you wanted to hang There will be other raids vut you join mine The one i advertised for Dont say i dragged you anywhere. You wanted to participate. Im glad you raided. But im sad you keep pulling lie out of lie out of your ass to act as if you arent you. Bitch i saw yoy get me killed at dp or df. I saw you fucking not taunt. It chased my ass and killed me. Hope you had fun and got it out of your system. Yoy worked harder to make sure i couldnt tell but i dont see why. Cody...i want you to change if you wanna change. I never wanted you to change. I want yoy to be yourself. Fuck. It was a pleasure cause damn i can tell mechanics now and see how you play. Watching you through skype helped me learn ngl. I rexognized raids. I aint stupid. I told kell to,kick droids that explode onto the raid team. I can fuck around too. Shit. Have fun with this shit show you keep putting yourself in. Cody you put yourself in fake....sureoundings...sigh. i know mass effect is coming out and im like that is a blessing cause you and i will disappear to fucking play on our own. God knows i need fucking alone time. But you? God i hope you still feel the same way about tali'zorah. I hope what you said about hwr and me was real and still relevant.

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