#and not having any really fucks with my mental health sometimes

[monstersinthecosmos]

Hi, completely agree with what you said here but it makes me very sad to think about it. As someone who imprinted on Armand at 12, Marius/Armand was my first ship in VC but I find it hard to ship them post Venice era, even though Blood Communion seems to suggest some positive developments in their relationship (Marius standing behind Armand during his argument with Benedict supporting Armand being his own person iirc?). Idk I want them to work their shit out but it’s still hard to imagine them putting their differences aside sans an apocalyptic scenario like in QotD.

And sometimes idk if Marius loves Armand enough to work on it. I know that the corner of tumblr that loves Marius (And I certainly understand the appeal of a complicated and polarizing character like him. Kudos to Anne for creating Marius!) likes to push the idea that the turning of Benji and Sybelle was mostly out of love (and to a varying extent depending on the person’s pov, due to Marius’ mental health issues) but how much was that love and how much was it ‘my pet needs to have pets so that he stays alive for ME’. Not saying these 2 motivations are mutually exclusive but I’m genuinely curious about your views.

I’m rambling but guess what I’m trying to say is, how much do you think Marius’ love for Armand is unselfish, whether in Venice, at the end of TVA or after Blood Communion?

Asdghjakl yeah I have really similar feelings about them as a ship! Like the Venice era is my favorite time period in the VC but modern/present-day Marius/Armand doesn’t really hit the same way for me because it’s just such a motherfuckin mess lol.

What I do want to say, though, is that we’re kind of dancing around a topic here that involves the inhumanity and inherent monstrosity of Marius, and while I tend to think “THEY’RE VAMPIRES” is a lazy approach to analysis, there’s a deeper version of it that’s relevant here.

What I mean is that Marius can love Armand truthfully, sincerely, unselfishly and STILL cause harm, and still love him imperfectly, and still cause problems. I think when we really wanna start dissecting Marius/Armand as a ship, and the Venice era as a whole, and whatever trauma it left on Armand vs Marius’s motivations/intentions/character morals, it’s important to remember that Marius was not human. 

I think a lot about like, when we say that Armand is a “pet”, or that Denis, Daniel, Benji, and Sybelle are Armand’s pets, there’s sort of a connotation or shorthand to TLDR that it’s their cute little human. But I think about like, for example!, my fucking cats! Like, when I think about ACTUAL pets IRL, um, I would fuckin die for my cats? They’re my lil babies? I love them so fully and with my entire fucking soul but they’re dumb little animals that live in my house and I take care of them and I don’t think they have a single thought in their fucking skulls. 

So when you think about like, a 1500 year old immortal night creature adopting a little human, he can love Armand with his ENTIRE being, and I believe he really really did, and it’s still “aww the cute lil human that I feed”. And Marius is unique amongst the vampires for how hard he tries to stay connected to the human world, and it’s still never enough, he’s still never quite there, so I have always believed he had the right intentions even if he fumbled it or did things that could cause harm. It’s not like, he’s a ~MONSTER~ in a scary way, but literally, he’s so removed from humanity that he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. 

(Don’t let me get into a side essay here but it reminds me so much of like, imperfect boomer parenting, like looking at different generations’ parenting styles and realizing how much harm they caused, but most people aren’t intending to harm their children and just don’t know any better. Every generation will likely experience a form of this as we learn and grow and try to be better, but I find this really interesting for Marius specifically because of the age of the author!)

He was fifteen hundred years old when he met Armand. I think in a lot of ways he acted with good intentions that wound up causing a lot of harm. But it does a disservice to the story and to him as a character to only look at the outcome, without considering the universe he’s operating in. 

And idk like, where is the line between selfish and selfless love? Like, Marius is clearly a fucking mess at the beginning of TVA and didn’t take the news of Armand’s suicide very well. Is it selfish to do something drastic because he’s worried that Armand is still suicidal? Where does one end and the other begin? Especially with immortals like, is your own death a gift? Is it an act of kindness to save someone’s life instead of allowing them to check out? Idk idk! Grief is fucking messy, it can be both, but I don’t think it’s fair to characterize it as purely for himself. He even immediately fucks off to Norway in shame afterwards. I think I prefer to think he just wanted Armand to be happy and safe. By the end of the book they're still struggling to communicate with each other about religion, and in some ways I think Marius doesn't think Armand truly wanted to die, vs seeing a religious fit for what it is. So I'm not sure he sees Armand's suicide attempt as sincere, either, and maybe doesn't feel the need to respect his wish for death.  

I think a lot about the conversation Marius has with Armand after he turns Benji & Sybelle and realizes how bad he fucked up. 

"You loved them selflessly," he whispered. "For all their strange faults, and wild evil, they were not compromised for you. You loved them perhaps more respectfully than I... than I ever loved you." He seemed so amazed. I could only nod. I wasn't so sure he was right. My need for them had never been tested, but I didn't want to tell him so.

Even at 500 years old, Marius still doesn’t entirely understand Armand as a complete person. He doesn’t completely understand Armand’s needs, or the person he wants to be, or what his human companions were to him. I think it even starts when Armand is still alive, how Marius treats him like a silly little pet, like, Armand’s piety is a cute little quirk that Marius humors without ever truly respecting. It doesn’t occur to him that Benji & Sybelle aren’t just pets. And I think Marius being stuck in his trauma means he’s just perpetually trying to believe in himself and control everything around him, while Armand stuck in trauma means he’s constantly trying on different roles and figuring out who he is. 

(But FUCK ME, christ, “I wasn't so sure he was right. My need for them had never been tested, but I didn't want to tell him so.” this really fucks me up so bad, we have to keep talking about this another time because like, these two can NOT communicate with each other! They are useless with the barrier between them maybe they need to drink from each other more often and iron this out.)

Someone can do their best, and mean well, and still cause harm. Humans do this, too. I’m sure we’ve all been there. And Marius is a great example of vampires being stuck in the trauma of their turning—it doesn’t matter how wise he tries to be, he always comes back to the same trauma, over and over. Even the way he treats Armand in Venice is a direct result of Marius trying to fix his own trauma. And like, would therapy even work on a vampire, or are their brains stuck forever where they were? How much of their “changing” is just learning behavior, and learning to mask?

Because I think Marius 100% could do that for Armand. He loves Armand. Armand is his child. He was the first fledgling Marius ever made of his own will, after 1500 years! But I think canon left us off in a place where neither of them are quite there yet. Marius is in decent shape at the end of the series, I think—it feels like he’s made some huge strides in accepting himself and his nature, so I think there’s some potential! Armand also has to learn how to use his fuckin words a little bit better, which he’s never been good at, but I think the way he goes off on Lestat after keeping that inside for 200 years is a really great sign! 

I go back and forth about “does therapy even work on vampires” all the time, like, do they have neuroplasticity, are they capable of change, have we uncovered something in the PL Trilogy that could be a key to them functioning better and learning to change. I don’t really have an answer because canon doesn’t, it’s just a fun thing to think about, but it’s the best way that I can reconcile Marius’s intentions vs his actions, and how he somehow continues to make the same mistakes and never learns! 

Basically, I think it’s not helpful to ask if Marius loves him enough. He does! But loving someone doesn’t mean we magically know how to behave, and the qualities in Marius that cause him to behave selfishly are so deeply tied to his trauma, his control issues, his use of ego as a defense mechanism. And even in real life we can have boundaries and hold people accountable when they hurt us, even if it’s because of mental illness. We can have empathy and still have boundaries, and we can be hurt and still know when something wasn't personal. That feels kinda IRL and serious to frame vampire meta but like, Marius can love people and still fuck up, because he can’t help it, and I don’t think it’s a fair reading of the text to insist he’s a diabolical abuser because it just doesn’t really match his characterization otherwise. 

I hope he gets better! 

#trauma hole theory #marius de romanus #marius/armand #armand #the vampire armand #tva quotes #vc quotes #vampire chronicles #deep ass thoughts about vampires

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

#Mira rants #mira maunders #txt: personal #personal post #cw: dysphoria #cw: depression #cw: medical #sad brain hours #random mumblings #i'll be okay #i just had to get this off my chest

[damelucyjo]

Why are adult friendships so hard?

I've been invited to a baby shower for one of my 'best friends' next weekend... but I'm really undecided if I want to go??

A little background for my reasoning: Our little trio consisting of myself, A & C have all been friends since we were 11 (we're 33 now). You have your typical growing up, transitioning into adults, having jobs and families and whatnot that now take up our time. I'm the only one who still lives in our hometown, and unfortunately we don't get to meet up very often. We still try to arrange something every so often, but it doesn't always pan out for one reason or another. They also moved practically round the corner from one another in the town they now live in. I'm also the only one who currently doesn't have a job and the only one without kids, so...

Now, I feel like our friendship has really shifted. I had a mental breakdown and neither of them really know what happened, or maybe even that it happened. Probably equal parts because I didn't tell them how bad I was, but they knew I was struggling, and neither of them asked how I was. During a dark period for me, my parents took me on holiday to get me away, but it was during this holiday that C got married... so I unfortunately missed her wedding. She seemed okay about it, but I don't truly know if she was?

Then, during covid times, obviously people weren't seeing others face-to-face, but we still sporadically messaged one another. When everything was lifted, we'd planned to meet for a meal at Christmas. A few days before, A messaged to say that they weren't sure if her son had covid so just in case she'd have to cancel, which was fair enough. During this conversation was when C announced that she was currently 30 weeks pregnant and she was going to surprise me at our meal. A already knew, but she decided she couldn't tell me before? Okay.

Now, A is pregnant again and I found out because her husband put an announcement on social media. She never told me herself, I had to read it online. I messaged her saying 'congratulations' and I got a 'thanks' in reply. Don't actually think I've spoken to her since. Either of them, for that matter.

It's A's baby shower I've been invited to through a WhatsApp group. In this group I can see everyone else invited and obviously the only people I know are A, C & A's mum. My insane general and social anxiety is a huge reason for me not wanting to go, but it does also feel like my invite was out of pity? Or she felt like she couldn't not invite me?? I don't know.

I really feel like the 'afterthought' friend for them now. Which I hate as I feel like I've lost two friends I was very close with, who subsequently were the only two friends I actually have/had outside my family. My life has become extremely isolated due to a few different factors, so I do want to force myself to be more social, but maybe this isn't worth it? I really don't know.

I also know our communication has dropped significantly because I made the conscious decision to stop being the first one to reach out. It's amazing how little we talk now.

#Friendships are hard #and not having any really fucks with my mental health sometimes

[adelle-ein]

remarkably not okay overall really but at least there's my little video game guys

#my brother. who is an asshole. just got dxed with fibro #none of us were even aware he had any pain other than a repetitive strain injury and like. idk. i'm skeptical #but obvs that would make me a monster #and our mom probably has it so it's not that surprising #but also he has always been doubtful and treated me like shit and fakes shit etc etc #and just generally is as previously mentioned an asshole who loves invalidating others' mental and physical health issues #anyway yes. doing bad #scared of how he'll treat me going forward #now that he can I Have Fibro Worse Than You/I Have An Excuse To Bully You #(also tired of going through fucking hell to get dxed and then my siblings just. say they're kinda achey and get the dx immediately. lmao) #anyway yes remarkably petty but sometimes first children really are the first pancakes of the batch #txt #lacevent #(and obvs current events but. i don't owe anyone shit on my thoughts on that. that's for therapy. xox)

[mewlingkittenz]

on days like these when my thoughts are all over the place and i'm just restless, i'm really trying hard to be a productive human of society

but man, we all know i just need to be melted and taken apart. please please make my thoughts stop, i do much better focusing on you and the pleasure and the pain, and whatever it is we can do that'll please you ❣

#i really really think i need to fuck myself silly sometime today #woulda done my mental health hella good yesterday already #i need thissss #but also my brain's like: #“we've got a bunch of stuff to get done and fuckin's just for pleasure so you can't do that until you've been good and gotten things done” #then i'll be tryna get things done but be distracted the whole time #and at the end of the day feel neither accomplished enough to think i'm allowed to feel good #nor have enough energy to actually fuck myself or take care of any possible mental breakdowns i may have afterwards #sooooooo solution: we just find someone who'll use me for their pleasure #then theres no silly thoughts about whether i'm allowed to feel like this or whether i have the time #i'll just have to be a good girl and take it either way ❣

[milo-is-rambling]

I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like. #what? am I missing something here? #my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know. #honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

[asyipyip]

girl its so embarrassing but i love jonmartin so fucking much i havent cared this much about a ship since like. high school

#NOTHING COMPETES #guys its really bad that i got a new hyperfixation while in a bit of a rough period mental health wise #because MAMA MIA!!! THATS A GOOD ESCAPISM!! #i think i might. i think i might still be manic? its a little hard to tell. it can sometimes last more than just a day for me #sorry im bipolar posting abit #sometimes ur just having a fucking moment #its weird right because like. knowing im manic doesnt stop the manic. like i didnt know but now i do but i cant stop it! i would like to ! #but at least i have my escapism lmao #kara stop blogging #ANYWAYS back to jonmartin #yeah theyre literally so romance. for the past several years i havent really been reading romance fics/interacting with any ship fanworks #like art or whatever #not intensely anyway #not out of a dislike? just a general disinterest. not sure why! just havent been in the mood? i guess? #but holyyyyyyyyyy fuck jonmartin is like. you are a 13 year old girl who just discovered shipping on tumblr for the first time again #I KNOW ITS A HORROR PODCAST BUT #LIKE COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN #the characters are just so! FUCKING! GOOD #i also ADORED daisy and basira's dynamic #wough. okay ill shut up now #tma #also these fucking tags are like legit proof that the tags on my personal posts are just full on incomprehensible diary at this point. bye

[manofmanymons]

.

#mom said it's my turn on the tags vent #so like #sometimes i trick myself into thinking #i cant have any mento iwness #i do well in school #bc despite me jokingly referring to whatever tf is goin on with me as the Mental Illness #im not like #diagnosed with literally anything #not even like anxiety despite the constant sense of dread that never leaves me and the Frequent Panic Attacks #like officially on paper i am 'normal' #but i digress #i really gotta stop using how im doing in school as an indication of mental health #cuz ive come to accept that im just a person who happens to be Good At School #baby sam living through The Horrors? still did good in school #fuckinnn 9 years old having cps and the police showin up at my house askin me a bunch of weird questions #still did good in school #height of my 'actually i fucking hate all of you' phase where i was constantly in the office for getting in fights #STILL did really good in school #completely gave up on life and legitimately believed i would never be happy again bc the only person who unconditionally loved me— #and was always there for me fuckin died #still got all a's in nearly all ap classes #deeply traumatized from almost dying during the pandemic to the point where i couldn't go outside without hyperventilating instantly? #would ya believe it i still did good in school #so i should #really stop going #nothing can be that wrong with me if im getting through school #bc even during times where shit was objectively severely wrong with me #it had 0 impact on how i did in school #lowkey don't even know where to start unpacking whatevers goin on up there tho #where would i be if my parents had listened to my doctor when i was younger who said they should take me to a psychiatrist i wonder lmfao

[prismatoxic]

hanamusa artist: (puts screenshots of the wiki pages for jessie and delia under several comics to prove their ages are 25 and 29)

me: surely this isn't necessary. it's in your FAQ, and people can't really be--

me: (looks at the comments of one such post)

me: (look at the comments of yet another one)

me: i think i give the internet too much credit sometimes

#the amount of people freaking the fuck out about delia having ash when she was 19 is doing permanent damage to my psyche #i don't know how to tell you this. but women have children young A LOT #sometimes because they want to and sometimes when they don't #acting like it's some moral evil isn't fucking helping anybody #like anti/fancop/etc mindsets are bad enough but this is such a weird thing to be nitpicky over when it happens irl ALL THE TIME #my mom was 33 when she had me but serzh's mom WAS 18 or 19 iirc #and i went to an independent study high school bc of my mental health and let me tell you #all the pregnant teens who can't/won't get abortions that you think aren't an issue #ARE IN THOSE SCHOOLS. #i made friends with one she was very nice. felt bad about what she was going through but it wasn't my business #like has the internet really poisoned people's brains so much that they just up and forgot pregnancy is a thing that can happen at any time #and a lot of women can't abort/don't want to abort/are convinced not to abort/think they can handle a baby at 19 #maybe this isn't surprising. i don't know. i really didn't think this was an issue people had. #they're not even making disparaging comments about ash's deadbeat dad who would. you know. be the one who knocked her up at 19. #like it reeks of a moral judgement on DELIA? ARE YOU HIGH? #remind me to not read post comments #tox.txt

[welcometogrouchland]

I am gripping you by the shoulders and begging you to listen when I tell you teens want to be outside so bad. We want to be outside so fucking bad you have no idea

#ramblings of a lunatic #WE DON'T LIKE STAYING INDOORS ON SCREENS ALL DAY EVERYDAY ITS NOT FUN IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD #yes there are exceptions and yes we like to do it more than previous generations but by god if it doesn't take a toll on your mental health #AND WE KNOW THIS BTW. WE'RE COMPLETELY FUCKING AWARE OF THIS FACY #*fact #but it's like. there's such a lack of options sometimes #like for example- i live in a pretty small town. walkable but not without some effort #there's no shopping centre (mall for americans) and maybe 3 parks (one of which is up a hill on the far side of town) #there are community centers but they're underfunded and don't cater to teens- especially not as casual hangout spaces #so like. unless you corall all your friends into one persons house (me and my friends generally go out in a group of 8-10 ppl- #-so while going to one persons house is doable it's not the most convenient and again this a small town. lots of the houses are small too) #or are willing to hangout at a park (a place where there's generally going to be young children and their parents- #-which isn't a deal-breaker by any means but can make kids feel like intrusions or even be perceived as sketchy) #(this is generally what me and my friends have to come to terms with everytime we hangout since we usually do it in the park) #then like. where the hell do you go?? yknow?????? #also plenty of my friends live in rural areas where it's a 20 or 30 minute drive into town and only one of us has his license #all this to say #I'd really love to see some statistics on what the hangout habits of kids from different living areas is like #because i have a feeling that kids who grow up in big relatively walkable cities with public transit and nice hangout spots #are getting out of the house a lot more often than a bunch of lower and middle class teens scattered across rural country spaces- #-and a town with little to no space for them to just exist without doing some kind of activity to justify their presence #this isn't even touching on helicopter parenting that prevents kids from being independent #anyway yeah i wish i was not on my phone so much i enjoy life better when I'm not on it but. god does not love me so <3

[gohard-or-gohomo]

.

#i genuinely think if i get institutionalised over the summer no one would notice until september #and even then im moving to a new school so they might not notice #no one talks to me outside of when they see me in person #its like i dont exist #and i know they care about me but sometimes it really feels like im a second thought #im no ones best friend. im no ones top priority #and that sounds so selfish so i cant say it to them #it would be cruel to put that on someone #but i cant stop thinking that if i died or disappeared everyone would be upset for a few weeks at most and then forget #and so i cant talk to my friends about it #and i cant talk to my parents about it because theyre. my parents. as far as they know the worst my mental health has ever been #was when i was stressed about my exams #and i dont even have a therapist any more! and when i did i didnt bring any of this up!!! #at this point it literally feels like the only way anyone would take this seriously is if i try to kill myself #its just the fucking worst. christ

[imwritesometimes]

the mental trials and tribulations are once again acting up you know how it is

#like idk man I hate this shit. I hate that everything can be pretty standard normal nothing WORSE has happened #but my brain is still like oh look a depressive epsiode! what if I wandered closer? for a better look? #and it takes literally everything I got NOT to go there #and I'm SO TIRED #but because this is all happening like.... internally no one knows no one understands WHY I'm fuckin exhausted ALL THE TIME #like it takes everything I got in me to stay alive and idk how to explain that to anyone. I don't even actually WANT to explain it #I just wish ppl would understand I'm tired and I really DO actually have mental health issues that I've worked on my whole life #the only reason I'm here today is cause I put in thr goddamn work. but it's still work. and it makes me TIRED #and I'm gonna have to do that for the REST of my life. I can't trust my own brain sometimes like that's exhausting. #sometimes it's dumb shit like EVERYONE ON EARTH HATES YOU! like that's impossible! everyone on earth doesn't know me #and sometimes it's worse and awful and there is no point to this I'm just TIRED and I'm tired of #feeling guilty abt being tired because this is all mental so I'm not actually deserving of any slack #which is just more fucked up familial mental illness isn't real bullshit #and they fact that I recognize that is from the WORK and the WORK has kept me alive but also I'm TIRED #but I don't feel like I've earned the right to be tired. which makes me more tired and depressed. #I'm TIRED fuck #erin explains it all

[prettyblondguys]

Am I allowed to be negative on here about stuff for a minute? Pretty please?

I don't really think that things are gonna change for the better/ get better for me at this point tbh

#Like. I know things constantly change and nothing stays the same but I don't really think it'll get much better y'know. #Lik #I get paid 8.50 an hour to fucking wipe 3D glasses off and retrieve golf balls and get covered in gross mystery liquid bc im in charge of - #-- trash and I have to argue with grown ass men about a claw machine not working. #I don't really think that's gonna change and I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to move out of this house or live on my own or anything - #-- like that or start dating or be the type of normal I want. Just a lot of decisions leading up to me being stuck here forever and yeah. #Shit sucks #Tbc I'm NOT fishing for It gets betters or stuff like that. If I could turn comments off for this post I would lol I really appreciate any #-- concern and stuff but I am Okay #I'm still doing everything I'm still going through the motions even tho the motions suck ass. It's just that I'm constantly -- #-- positive and that gets really really hard sometimes lol. Like. My mental health doesn't do well if I'm not forcing myself to be -- #-- disgustingly positive so I am. A lot. But it's HARD and sometimes I just wanna admit that no actually it DOESN'T feel like everything -- #-- is gonna be okay and that I actually do kinda not like my life lol #I'm good I'm fine I'm just bitching and moaning #I . Wrote this last night bc I couldn't sleep but sent it to the drafts of hell lol. Today's gonna be so fun /sarcasm #Besties I'm fine please please please seriously I'm good #Just pretend Tumblr has a Turn comments off feature lmao #Y'all can seriously ignore this #Will probably delete later but what's the point of Tumblr if not to embarrass yourself by oversharing lol

[fridaynight--saturdaymorning]

Fuck EVERYONE who ever taught me to hate myself. I was never like this before and I never deserved to feel this way about myself. The hardest part of this is the fact that I know it’s just been instilled in me! I could have been different. Fuck, I was different! I was happy to just exist as myself. I didn’t care what other people thought. Now I’m just like you. Fuck you for taking that away from me

#Yeah sorry folks I do hate myself for being queer sometimes I wouldn’t have it any other way but i also wish I didn’t have to sacrifice #Fucking everything I’ve ever loved #Either sacrifice myself (the only person it seems has ever really loved me) #Or sacrifice everyone I live for. What a fucking choice. A choice I knew I had to make from the age of 11 because of the way ive been treat #I’ve had a good life and I will continue to. I’m fucking privileged and I notice that. But I wish I didn’t have to live like this sometimes #I’ve never been a girl. I’ve always liked them. Why are those things that make me weak. Why do they make me wrong. What is all of this even #Fucking for. How much do I have to suffer before anyone even cares whether I live or just pretend to. #I used to fantasise about trying to kill my self. Not actually dying but waking up in the hospital. My mum saying that it’s okay. That she #can accept me being a boy and that she’s just glad I’m alive. Why the fuck should anyone ever feel like that. It’s so fucked. #Instead I’m just told that my mental health is a burden. That everyone walks on eggshells around me. That everyone hopes Ive grown out of i #That everyone loves my deadname. That everyone would be disappointed if I wore a suit. That people would talk. I can’t FUCKING TAKE IT. #I’ll be okay though. Don’t worry about me. I’ll repress it a bit more. It’ll go a bit further down. I’ll practise my little self care ritua #And eat good and try and tell myself that maybe it’s not all bad. #And I’ll tell myself that I’m being dramatic when I cry myself to sleep #Genuinely tho don’t worry about me this will probably all be forgotten by the morning it’s just sad boy hours

[johannestevans]

i've been listening to a lot more fat liberationist stuff recently and like...

so obvs i already had some backing in a lot of the basic theory, stuff like institutional anti-fatness in medicine, fashion, travel, etc, but like

so as a really thin guy who's always found it impossible to gain weight, its been unbelievably emotionally and mentally liberating to hear people talking really casually about the disability that's associated with thinness

so like being really thin, you lack additional joint and bone support - if you fall, you have less padding and less STRUCTURE to protect your bones from breaks and fractures, right?

obvs theres plenty of fat people that do have issues with bones and joints, im not saying thsres not, its just that normally i feel like im the lone person saying "being this thin is bad for me and is part of various health problems i also have"

and idk its just like. my whole life i was such a sickly child lmao

like i couldnt stand for long periods except "long period" would often be like. any period. i didnt understand how my peers were just standing for so long and just weathering that, bc to me it wasnt possible at all - i breathed badly, my joints were fucked etc

and looking back and realising as i get more disabled like the extent to which i was similarly disabled in my youth, and how i lacked the language to verbalise or sometimes even recognise my own pain and struggle

but also like

the treatment of me as so evil and lazy because i wasn't exercising, or because like. a PE teacher would pick me out as an example because i was so thin, and then be furious that i wasn't remotely physically fit, and that i was disabled

i remember multiple times esp from cis female teachers just. frothing rage at my diet and the things i ate, or when i wrinkled my nose at talk about diets, bc i was so thin so i had to be doing The Right Things, and if i was that thin and doing bad things i had to be punished

and its bc a lot of these ppl thought of fatness and being fat as a punishment, a target for abuse that people deserved, and bc i was a young disabled trans guy like. i deserved punishment for my laziness and nonconformity, and it became a lot about my weight

like expressing that i wanted to gain weight, that i was cold all the time, that i had no energy etc, that eating was hard but that i enjoyed food, all of that was met with such fuckin aggression and really sharp policing, esp from PE teachers and esp from women

and obvs all that is to do with the way that diet culture particularly targets women and those perceived as women, and the desire to engage in lateral violence to police others into complying with gender roles etc as they were upholding them

but idk like. fat liberationist politics is imo inherently tied up with disability liberation, because of the way that "health" is weaponised as a symbol of being good or deserving, and how fatness and disability are both used as targets and symbols of evil and punishment

MOST OF ALL for fat & disabled people

but for nondisabled fat people disability is often threatened as punishment - if you don't become less fat, you'll (deserve to) become disabled

and for disabled thin people, if you don't act less disabled, you'll (deserve to) become fat

and its not a punishment to be fat or disabled or sick. its just how some people are. its not BAD to be this way - and what makes things hard for us is not something inherent to the badness of our bodies, but instead the lack of kindness and accommodation anybody is willing to extend to them

#musings

[lichen-punk]

negative warning

god i used to be so normal and enjoy those Soft Posts abt friendship and platonic love and cute moments but now they just hurt so much i miss platonic intimacy i miss feeling like im part of a friend group i miss being wanted and doing things with people my age i miss feeling seen and known about and loved by my friends and the worst part is i could probably get that feeling back if i had a shred of agency in my life or the energy to affect my condition. or whatever lol its all good

#💔 #so many people have just sort of drifted out of my life over the past couple years #and the few that have stuck around ive sorta gotten less close with #and i’m working really hard at taking that as just something that happens sometimes and not a sign abt Me #like u kno the ol im just dull and unlovable gremlin that u have to fight with a broom #but even if it’s just something that happens it really makes a gal lonesome #im a social person and besides my theatre stuff and my boyfriend i simply #do not get social interactions on my own terms of any kind anymore #and it’s really fucking w my mental health