#anyway . both text and tag rant over . goodnight

[shorthaltsjester]

i do not want to dig a hole but i am too much of a laura bailey pc enjoyer to not make this post so:

selfishness ≠ a lack of kindness 

selfishness is a theme that has come up with all of laura's main campaign pcs. that doesn't mean that her characters are always making selfish choices or that they don't care about the rest of the people they're with or that they're not good. it's just that, for the most part, the first thing they're thinking of when they take action or make choices is themselves. 

in jester and vex both it is more typical and obvious selfishness. vex's developed because she needed it to keep herself and vax alive and as safe as possible and it grew into a behaviour that she had to actively work to avoid. it's evident in her greed, her theft of the broom, her reaction to her own death which relied heavily on i'm okay/i survived to which keyleth reminded her that she wasn't the only one who had to witness and reckon with her death. in jester's case, she grew up in an environment that literally trained her to make every decision based on two things - her mother's opinion and her own. so, when she's out in the world without marion for the first time, her choices are those that will benefit her and her actions are those that consider her own thoughts and not really many others' (aside from the traveler's). 

it isn't a criticism of either vex or jester to say that they are characters who act selfishly. in fact, i'd argue that to claim otherwise does a great disservice to exactly how immense both of their character arcs are. because the nuance of both jester and vex is that they are selfish, and they also hold extreme room for self-sacrifice and empathy. vex is much more brash than jester is, and jester is much more trusting than vex, but both of them are characters who begin with selfish impulses who grow with them. neither ever truly shed those impulses, but they use them in new ways, typically transforming them into impulses towards things that are in the best interest of the party. 

you may have noticed the lack of imogen in this post about laura bailey pcs and that's because of two reasons. one, we are an unknown amount of time into her story, i can't analyse her development the same way i can vex and jester's. two, imogen's selfishness isn't the blatant quasi-self-aware selfishness that we see in things like jester complaining about her lack of money to caleb or vex stealing a broom. instead, imogen's is very internal, like a lot of laura's character work with imogen. it is a bit similar to jester’s in the sense that it comes from a lack of awareness moreso than vex’s practiced behaviour, but imogen’s is a lot more tied to inherent beliefs she has about the world and the people in it.

as a consequence of her powers, imogen sees people's thoughts as their entirety, she holds it above their actions to be the truth of who they are - to act against what they think or to say something that doesn’t cohere with what they’ve thought is akin to lying, so for her to act empathetically is to act in tandem with what someone else’s thoughts are, not how they act, which is typically not all that wanted. the same as vex’s greed and jester’s naivety, this is a trait that makes narrative sense and it’s one i find quite compelling, especially when read in the vein of someone struggling through trauma that has made them assume that the world is against them. imogen’s cynicism is coherent cynicism, i can’t say that in a similar situation i wouldn’t have the same predisposition towards the world.

the part that is particularly self-interested comes in if you look at how imogen has actually been treated in the campaign (quite well) in comparison to the cynicism that she’s developed from her past (something that speaks to a world out to get her). certainly, a bunch of shitty things have happened to imogen in the time we’ve known her, but the same can be said for everyone in bell’s hells and pretty much everyone in exandria at this point in time. but, in a fight to save the aforementioned world, imogen’s focus was getting her mother back on her side. which, while very consistent with her character and a choice that i enjoy, is a very selfish one. the fun thing (to me, obviously) about imogen is that she has, more than most, an insight into the opinions of others and she also tends to seek others’ opinions out and genuinely engages with them and supports their choices. but she still very much acts towards what she thinks is best. it’s one reason i enjoy looking at the dynamic between her and orym as one between foils, as orym tends to be stalwart in his beliefs and doesn’t care too much for other’s opinions if he’s already sure of his own, but his actions tend to favour collaboration and protecting others.

as i mentioned earlier, imogen is a harder case to look at because she is still in the process of her story. however, the circlet is clearly influencing how she interacts with the world and in the wake of the solstice, the hostile reaction towards ruidusborn people has started to become more and more apparent and i’m interested to see what route that ends up leading imogen down and how it will influence her relationship with the rest of bell’s hells. (for better, i think, based on recent conversations, but if it's for worse i will be just as seated and excited).

all of this is just to say, please stop assuming that claiming a character has a trait you think is a bad one is criticism or a hate post. in light of the fact that i know that people who don’t believe this will continue to not believe this, i’ll encourage anyone confused about the ability of a character to be good and kind and selfish all at once to look to what the text itself says, specifically scanlan’s words to pelor when asked what vex means to him:

“Her name is Vex, and she is greedy and mean sometimes, and she can steal a lot. She’s a little bit not the greatest person, but her flaws highlight everything that is right about her, which is she does all these things to protect her friends and her family. She would give her life for any of us and for anyone who was truly in need. And she’s not perfect but she’s the most perfect of all of us.”

would you look at that... an ability to be a multitude of things, some in conflict with one another. i know that's hard for fandoms to believe, especially about female characters with agency, but i promise its true!

#deeply unfair of laura to make three characters with some type of people skills and morality shaped by their loneliness #and what. i’m just supposed act like i’m normal about that? #this is me blog and i have slightly more time than usual to write nothing essays about fictional characters that haunt me #but dear god . lookin at cr characters and denying their flaws is like looking at a house and only seeing it’s doors . #if ppl demand perfection of fictional characters im genuinely curious in what media they’ve ever found that . #a single imogen post of mine broke containment and it skyrocketed my annoying phil student levels so. alas #but . if you agree that imogen had an incredibly isolating life . i will emphasize that isolation causes traits and behaviours #that aren’t just Quirky or fun or hot anger or whatever #imogen contains so much i love her so much i am bursting at the seams about it #but for some ppl. she is ur ‘girlfailure’ until someone suggests a way she might be girl failing by being selfinterested #what is the truth. do u want her to be an actual girlfailure it do u just want her to suit a . frankly tired. trope about lesbians #anyway . both text and tag rant over . goodnight #cr meta #imogen temult #vex’ahlia #vex’ahlia de rolo #jester lavorre #critical role #my posts

[m0onbean]

friends to lovers!au mark lee

gif credit

i was inspired bc my sister recently confessed to her best friend and the way she did it was hella cute soo....

when you first entered high school you didn't know anybody since you just moved in town

nd it was rlly hard trying to adapt since you were a new kid + u were socially awkward 

on ur first day of school u sat down in ur seat in English nervous as hell bc there are so many... unfamiliar faces.... hELP

and next to u is your seat partner who is this guy who has brown hair and is wearing a pink sweater nd ur like .... ok u can do this u can make conversation with him

but then the teacher interrupts and ur like WeLP THERE GOES MY SOCIAL LIFE AND MY CHANCES OF MAKING FRIENDS :)))))))))))))))

ur teacher basically just talks about the syllabus and other boring stuff nd honestly his voice is so monotone that u just feel like napping

nd u notice that the guy next to you is also trying hella hard not to sleep and you smile to yourself at how his head cutely falls down as he's dozing off but then he immediately wakes up nd pretends like nothing happened

your teacher just keeps on talking and at one point he's like "i hope nobody's fallen asleep yet! :D" jokingly 

and under your breath you're like "... we're literally all about to pass out" 

you expect nobody to notice but then u hear the boy next to you let out a small laugh nd u look over and ohmygod he looks so cute whenever his face scrunches up from smiling!!

when the bell rings you're about to get up and the boy suddenly approaches u and is like "hi... i'm mark... i'm from canada" 

nd you just laugh and go "hi mark from canada i'm (y/n) from ___" nd then he gets rlly embarrassed bC WHY DID HE SAY THAT

but its ok bc u thought it was cute

nd from then on he introduces you to his friend group which is just filled with a bunch of crackheads honestly

u join their squad and for the next highschool years you basically become best friends with all of them

but mark... he becomes your #1 bff immediately

you're both awkward & dorky so when u two are laughing to eachother about some dog meme on Instagram haechan and jisung judge you two so hard 

you two like to go on adventures together in town like maybe riding bicycles to a park OR going into costume shops just to have fun trying on wigs 

during English the teacher probably hates you two bc instead of focusing on how to write an analytical essay u and mark are listening to music while playing endless rounds of tic tac toe

anyways the whole school year passes nd now u two are sophomores 

a lot of people gossip about u two and speculate when u two are gonna start dating but ????? you don't see mark that way and ur 2971301% sure he doesn't see you that way either

in fact u two like to make a lot of dating jokes and pretend to be a youthful, happy couple so y'all can get free things from cashiers who can't resist your adorableness

yet sometimes.... u wonder what it would be like to actually date him but u convince urself that a) mark doesn't like you THAT way and b) being best friends is just as good

jeno is your #2 best friend because he's actually the most normal one in your squad + he's actually rlly compassionate and reasonable like DAMN husband material

nd u tell jeno that u always wonder what it would be like... to have mark has ur boyfriend and he'd be like Well not much would change right? 

whenever ur away from mark u two are either facetiming or texting

whether it's just sending eachother funny memes or tagging eachother in videos of cute animals ... u never go a day without interacting

one day he suddenly doesn't reply to any of your texts or calls and you're ??? ok mayb he's just busy bc he does play basketball a lot with the boys

but then..... u start getting worried so u ask ur groupchat where he's been

you: has anyone seen mark? he's not responding to any of my messages

dream groupchat~

bitch #1 (renjun): why ???? r u worried about him ;)

bitch #2 (haechan): OOooOoOo bc u care about ur Boyfriend?!!

bitch #3 (jisung): omg i'm blushing u 2 are so cute uwu

you: omg shut up i hate you three

jeno<3: i heard he's at the hospital

nana<3: yea he injured his foot

dolphin: yah not to be a snitch BUT he told us not to tell you

you: wait what?!

you rush to the nearest hospital on ur bicycle and when you find mark just chilling on a hospital bed with a cast on his foot u almost pass out

nd he's rlly surprised at first but when he sees tears stream down ur face he immediately feels like the worst guy on Earth

he has to hug you nd tell you 194820 times that he's OK and that he's sorry for not telling u abt the injury

when u find out that some guy ran over his foot with a skateboard u immediately find the guy at school and almost kick him but the whole squad holds u back

at school chenle privately tells u that mark didn't want to tell u abt the injury bc he didn't want you to worry about him but ??? that's BS!! 

chenle tries to imply that mark cares about u in a Special way but u completely miss it

in fact, the rest of the dream squad always talks about u two behind your backs and are like "when tf r they gonna realize their feelings"

even tho haechan wants to just leave you guys in a room to talk about it the rational ones (aka Jeno & RenJun) are like "no just let them figure out on their own"

junior year starts!! and u feel...... different

everyone around you starts to date and you wish you could too

some ppl have asked u out before but u kindly rejected them all.... but why?? why don't u have feelings for them?? they're cute and probably ur ideal type yet u still don't want them

nd whenever all ur frieds are in relationships u feel left out 

Jaemin tells u that u don't need to date to "fit in" but you don't understand why u're not attracted to anyone

so imagine how ... lost ... you feel when mark starts dating someone

he's mentioned this girl a couple of times before and how she's pretty nd u would always agree and encourage him to make a move

but it's all too sudden and unexpected when he texts you about it

chat with mark-

morkypoo: (y/n) i'm dating her

you: who? that girl you mentioned a few times?

morkypoo: yea

morkypoo: you're not mad right?

you: no! i'm happy for you! why would i be mad

morkypoo: idk 

and you WERE happy for him!! but u kinda just relied on him to stay single forever with you so y'all can make fun of the other dream boys when they date 

besides that.... you sort of feel.... jealous?!

so ur on a phone call with jeno panicking and ranting abt how you're so confused!!!

and jeno just calmly listens and is like "okay let's see here... why would you be jealous?"

nd u would be like "because i want him to be my best friend and i don't want him to ditch me for someone else i guess!!!"

"any other reason??"

and you would think hard about it and suddenly

oh shit

you like mark.

in your panic you hang up on jeno and throw your phone somewhere 

and your heart.... aches. 

like there's this sharp pain around it and wow. This sucks.

the tall boy from Canada whose face scrunches up whenever he laughs, the boy who you share blankets with during movies, the boy who you have as your lockscreen is actually ... your first love...

so in order to forget your pain you try to deny it 

its normal for friends to sometimes feel attraction right??? it's okay for you to think about kissing your friend right???

without even realizing it, you start distancing yourself from mark in an attempt to figure out your feelings

mark is confused about why you stopped tagging him in Canada memes and why you always go to sleep earlier nd can't call him anymore

during school you two still talk a lot ofc but whenever mark's gf comes around to kiss or hug him you immediately turn around and leave 

the dream squad watches this happen for a month before they finally decide to deal with this shit themselves

haechan: ok squad our lovely couple is falling apart we need to save them

renjun: haechan we aren't going to lock them in a room!!

jeno: well (y/n) is sad about mark dating someone else

jisung: that idiot... why'd he have to date that girl

jaemin: idk bc we all know he doesn't really like her

chenle: ur right she's annoying af

haechan: i watched them talk before... the conversation was STALE

and as the boys try to figure out a plan, you lay on your bed contemplating everything with your heart feeling stuffy

junior year ends and summer starts 

but now, you're certain of your feelings

mark offers you to get ice cream at night and you agree

when you both arrive at the ice cream store you realize how much you loved just spending time with mark

and how you would die if your friendship fell apart bc of your stupid feelings

after you two are done, you say your goodnights and you enter your car with a clouded mind

and you sit in your car, not even budging, just thinking

before u know it, you grab your phone and you dial mark's number

he answers after the first ring and is like "(y/n) what's up?"

"i know this is really embarrassing and i'm probably going to regret saying this but... i think i like you. no. i like you, mark."

the line goes silent and you can tell he's shocked

after seconds you hear him go, ".... oh okay." nd you scramble to hang up the call, thinking you messed everything up

he sounded really surprised and you start beating yourself up over it

when you drive home, you get a text response from mark that says

morkypoo: i think i like you too

morkypoo: no, i like you. 

after your confession it seems like things are back to normal except now you cuddle closer to him and hold hands with him a LOT

your favorite thing is to surprise him with pecks to his cheeks bc it gets him so freaking embarrasing and flustered!! and now he's scrambling for words bc u literally made him forget what he was about to say

u two decide not to tell the dream squad abt your relationship until a few days

but ofc the plan goes wrong bc suddenly as u two are watching Netflix while sharing popcorn mark gets a call from haechan

nd mark is ? and answers it 

AND haechan is like "hey mark let's meet at the library tomorrow at 2:00pm"

mark, suspiciously: u never go to the library...

haechan: uHHHHH i want to read books ok bye see you there!!!

then he just hangs up and mark is is hella confused and you're just staring at him with the same ? expression

not even a second later your phone starts ringing and guess who it is. yup, haechan.

haechan: let's meet at the library tomorrow at 2:10 pm! oh yeah and don't tell mark!! ok bye!

after discussing it with mark, you 2 come to the agreement to just play along with whatever game haechan was pulling

and once you arrive at the library you're immediately pushed into a study room by haechan and he's like"TALK OUT YOUR FEELIINGS" then locks the door

hmm and guess who else is in that room? mark.

u 2 look at eachother then start laughing bC HAECHAN WAS TRYING TO set you guys together but y'all were one step ahead

to surprise haechan (who was trying to pretend like he wasn't spying on you two from the door's window), you kiss mark on the cheek 

the door bursts open and haechan is like ???WTF that fast???wow i'm good at this-

you: no we were already together

haechan:

haechan, pulling out his phone: i'm telling the squad that you two are fake friends for not telling us this earlier

#haha i'm actually kinda proud of this #nct dream #nct #kpop #mark lee #mark scenarios #mark imagines #mark headcanons #mark fanfiction #mark fanfictions #mark fanfic #mark fanfics #mark fluff #mark angst

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, so today was fine. Got to sleep till 11:10, so that was nice. Got ready and went to school for LARC, which was fairly boring but we were talking about elements of an appellate brief that we'll need for our next assignment so that was important. I need to really knock this one out of the park if I want that A because I wasn't thrilled with my last assignment's grade. It was above the class average but like, I don't want slightly above average, I want that damn A, I've worked too hard not to get it dammit. Ugh. After though I had my mid-semester meeting with my field placement faculty mentor/last year's LARC prof. It's basically always low key and we just chat about the cases and such and she gets it because she used to work in the office so it's nice to be able to tell these stories and not have someone be completely horrified in response, and I don't mean that to sound callous at all, I know they're terribly awful stories, but they're also what I'm dealing with on a regular basis and if just kind of becomes a part of your life. I don't take any of these horrors for granted or downplay them at all in my mind, but at some point you just want to be able to talk about what you've been working on wth someone and have a normal conversation and not just be reminded of how horrors everyone else is at your chosen profession. Well that became an unexpected mini-rant, lol. But it was a good meeting. After that went down to the gym. I was still kind of sore from kickboxing yesterday so I didn't want to overdo it, and my knees are varying shades of purple currently haha in an array of different bruises from it, but it was a good class. So I just did my normal arm and leg workouts for a while and then did the hip ones before heading out, probably spent about an hour there. Took a bus to another bus, then walked the last bit home. It was super lovely out this morning, like 70, which is amazing consider it was like 32 24 hours prior, but by the time I had gotten home it was getting chilly again and my short sleeved t-shirt wasn't terribly helpful. So I got home and decided I would start cooking, I wanted to make a big meal for the next week for left overs and such since I won't get a chance to do so this weekend since I'll be at HVFF the whole time. So I did that for a while, then watched some tv. Went to watch Powerless but instead got trial and error again, idk what's going on with my dvr or the tv schedule but somethings wrong. It's still funny though and I enjoyed the episode. Went to designated survivor then, which was a solid episode moving forward after the events of the end of last episode. I'm very intrigued to see where they're going with all of this. It was sad to see Kirkman sending his family away, especially when his daughter is basically the cutest little girl ever, but it's clearly because he loves them and I can understand that. Then I took a break for a bit because I had seen a recipe earlier I wanted to try for brownie batter cookies and I felt like I was in a baking mood. While doing that I got a text from the current justice of PAD saying I won both vice justice and service chair for the elections (service chair was running unopposed, but vice justice wasn't) and he wanted to know which one I wanted. At first I was a bit hesitant just because I feel like the auction is gonna be really difficult without a social chair or a service chair since they're the ones who head that up generally, but we can probably handle it anyway so I went with vice justice. I was telling myself this whole time I didn't care about the results of the election and I wouldn't be upset either way, but I have to say it did feel a little good to know I did beat the other girl for the position (and I mean she's still on the board so it's not like she's out in the cold or anything). So that was good. After I finished the cookies I listened to the rest of the legends of tomorrow podcast episode I had been listening to, then went back to the tv. Somewhere around here I got into a rather irritated/anxious/just generally pissed off state for no discernible reason, but I'm pretty sure it was because I had run out of my psych meds for about two days again so that was probably messing with my head, but thankfully they came in the mail today so I can get those back on track, along with starting Xanax again which will hopefully help with my more constantly present anxiety. It's just annoying to be sitting there feeling anxious and I sing there's no rational reason for it but not being able to stop it anyway. Ugh. But after I finished the podcast I felt like rewatching the legends episode so I did that, no real new comments there since I think I was pretty thorough the first time around. Then I turned on blindspot which was still interesting. Reid is an idiot, but otherwise I'm enjoying the characters. And yeah, that was my day. Tomorrow obviously is HVFF so I'm excited/slightly nervous about that but hopefully it'll go well, I'll try to update you guys periodically if anything interesting happens. I'm gonna tag this HVFF Chicago so if anyone else going comes across this feel free to shoot me a message and maybe we can meet up and hang out! Alright that's all for now, signing off. Goodnight my fantastic friends. Happy weekend.

#daily journal #March 2017 #HVFF #HVFF Chicago